Thanks for the fish

but my husband’s pissed off mood does not. Well back to the kitchen to play with my beets and escape the wrath of J, Angry White Man.

ebay.

So I’m on a frugal kick. I’ve been reselling stuff I buy at discount stores like TJ Maxx, etc. on ebay and seeing if I can make a profit. I’m not making too much but it has made me realize how hard it is to make a buck and also that once you buy something, it’s value goes down substantially. So now before I buy something I think “what will that be worth in 6 months?” Hint: Not a whole helluva lot.

However, that did not stop me from going to Target yesterday. Ihad the day off for Veterans’ Day and I have actually had some successful auctions on Ebay. I bought these little robotic hamsters on ebay for twice their retail price hoping they would become “the hot toy” of Xmas 2009. Well, it looks like I am quite the genius actually. I’ve sold half of what I bought and have already recouped my cost. So I shoudl double my money…which would amount to about a $120 profit. Which is exactly what I spent at Target.

Now I make a point of NOT going into Target because I can’t seem to get out of there for less than $75. Now, you know me… it’s not like I have a burning desire to buy cheap crap from China to clutter up my cottage with (did you love the alliteration? I did!). But for some reason, yesterday everything just looked so goddamn CUTE. Maybe I haven’t been shopping for awhile. Maybe I’ve been too tight and so just needed to spend money. But I got in there and even though I knew I was out of control, I couldn’t help it. I bought:

2 pairs of yoga/running pants, which even though they didn’t TOTALLY hide my ginormous ass, definitely helped. (on sale btw)

2 pairs of brown pantyhose (because even though I wear them all the time, I keep hearing about how it’s the greatest fashion sin ON EARTH to wear nude pantyhose. Ok fine I’ll get brown)

A flannel night shirt in a size too small, which I blame on J because he says he hates my beloved gray sweatpants that I lounge around hte house in. Yeah, that was a total impulse buy.

Some Curl Life hair cream because the b&b stuff I bought in Florida is just not working for me. I wanted to use it up but I’m tired of my hair looking like crap. And I’m in a phase where I really want to “work the curl” instead of drying it straight because it’s getting way too long for that. Besides I bought this Ouidad shampoo and conditioner that’s supposed to be great for curly hair and my hair cream seems to be nulling out the effects. Case in point, my hair looked nice (and curly) today.

A jog bra. In a medium. No bouncing noticeable at all. Love it!

Oh…shipping boxes in various sizes and shipping brown paper.

What else?…..oh a hair brush because the one I had had all the little balls missing so the pointy things were stabbing me in the scalp. Not very comfortable.

I also looked for some stuff to make homemade cookbooks with for Xmas presents. Like a little notebook or something, but couldn’t find anything. Goddamn it in today’s world you should be able to find anything your mind thinks up. Right?? So now I have to be all creative and shit and that just gets my goat. Oh well!

Time for apple/cranberry bread.

puffy. When I look in the mirror lately, I see this puffy, cartoon-like me staring back. I’ve reached the 160 mark (ok, I’ve gone over the 160 mark, but only at night!) and all of a sudden I’m like some characiture-like fat me. I’m just bouncy and puffy all over. Even my boobs are like these giant puffy appendages. It’s very odd. Even odder is the fact that i’m not freaking out about it. i do intend to do something about it, but no point getting all upset.

The funny thing is that I must be in better shape (by some measure anyway) then ever because I just ran 3.5 miles and feel a-ok. In fact I feel pretty terrific. I’m going for 4 miles next. I’ve also been going to a weight training class (don’t tell me that my weight gain must be muscle…see note about puffiness above). So it’s clear that the problem area is what is going into my mouth. Mostly pie. But I do so love the fall because of the food.. the soups and stews and crockpot meals. the pie, the pie, the pie and the pie. and the hot chocolate and the red wine. My goal is to be in the low 150s (read: 154) soon. very soon. How’s that for a measurable goal?

So on Friday night I got shitfaced with coworkers. And then my husband came. THen…this the good part… we went DANCING. This is pretty big, folks, you know why? because I have never NEVER never “gone out dancing” in my life. Well, ok, that’s not true. I just thought of one time, ok 2 times, in my early 20s but that mostly involved hanging out by the bar and basically refusing to dance, and then finally, awkwardly sort of dancing. But this time I was so far gone that I was dancing. Like hoochie mama dancing. It was awesome. And it was such a dive. I loved it. I can’t remember most of the night, though I do remember giving pubic hair trimming advice to one of my coworkers. Nice! Can’t wait to see her on Monday.

So yeah, I never learn, but what the hell. It was fun. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. : ) (I mean that. really).

We’ve already had our first snow here, which was a little awkward because my all wheel drive subaru is on the fritz. I need to take it in and get it looked at, also get my snow tires put on and an oil change. So I took the mini out in the snow and she has shitty tires on her anyway. But it was fine. The best part? Heated seats baby. oohhhhh yeahhhh. So today was gorgeous and warm. J was out playing soccer in p-town so I had the place to myself. For some odd reason, that made me productive. I went outside and pulled all the random bags of soil and sand into the building. Dug my snow tires out of the building, dig some totally pointless raking and brought the pots full of dead and dying herbs and pansies into the screened in porch. And swept the stairs. We are such half-assed homeowners. we really don’t deserve anything better than a trailer, because we suck. But now it looks 20% presentable. I have been feeling a little bad about it lately. Also thinking about the value of hte house re: upkeep and landscaping, NOT that I plan on selling it anytime soon.

Speaking of mortgages, we are in our mid 30s, but unfortunatley we’re really ready for retirement. J is just sick of work, and frankly, so am I. We’ve been doing the math and we’re in a good place financially… we refinanced the house for 15 year,s but are paying extra so we’re on track for 10-11 years. If we sacrifice everything for the next 6 years, we could probably pay it off. But… well, I like my vacations, and I like hording a little money here and there. And just between you and me, I’m afraid that I’ll throw all of my extra money at the house and then we’ll pay it off and then he’ll leave me for a younger woman and I’ll be stuck with loads of furniture, a house I can’t unload, and a dark and bitter heart. But enough about my secret fears.

I have discovered the secret. Buy cheap red wine, then not only do I save money but MAYBE I’ll drink less of it since it tastes like ass. HA HA HA. Maybe not. Hell I ran 3 miles I can do what I want.

And now on to my novel. Which I am trying to be positive aobut. Watch this: “It’s going fine.” (that’s my attempt at positivity.) Ok, that’s all. I’m bouncing away now on my rolls of blubber. bounce! bounce! bounce! Quick, get out of the way.

P.S. My husband now weighs 5 pounds more than me. And he is 6′2. Grrr!

anything tonight but then I read a blog and realized that for some odd reason it just perked me up to read about someone else’s life who I don’t know at all… so what the hell! ha! Maybe this is why the internet is a good thing.

So I’ll start by patting myself on the back, because that is just oodles of fun (and hell nobody else does it and I’d hate to feel left out). I actually should pat J on the back because he is the one who gets my ass in gear. We got up at 5ish… didn’t shower, drove to P-town (where I work), ran around a 5K loop…it’s actually really pretty…it’s by a round body of water (don’t really know what it is, but it’s somehow linked to the ocean, eventually), and surrounded by a boulevard of nice homes, mostly, on the other side. So you run around and look at wildlife and then you get bored and look at cars cruising the strip (though not nearly as seedy as that sounds). Anyway, the POINT is that I ran 3.1 miles this morning BEFORE WORK. Then I went to work all sweaty, with a red (maybe purple) face (I get wicked funny colored when I exert myself…to the point of people staring), showered, then went off to a meeting. I felt pretty good about myself, but pretty tired phsyically.

Next random subject: Gay Marriage. Maine had a referendum vote to repeal the gay marriage law that was enacted (some time). New England is pretty liberal as I’m sure you know, and I always think of Maine as pretty liberal or at least independent or at least “do what you want to do, just don’t bother me” and I like that. I lived many years in Virginia where I was constantly frustrated by the fact that the majority of people in teh state didn’t agree with me. I didn’t expect that to happen once I moved to Maine. Now we DO have Republican Senators but they are also the only SANE Republican Sentaors and I love them both. Senators Collins and Snowe, you rock! The only republicans I will probably ever vote for…Anyway… I’m pretty socially liberal and certainly think that gay couples have the right to health insurance, property.. ..whatver basic human rights that married couples have. And well, long story short, the vote went toward repealing the law and I, along with most people I know, are rather disappointed and maybe a little embarassed about it.

What else? Work has turned into this ridiculous place that for some reason I continue to choose to go.. oh yeah, for that thing called a ‘paycheck’ and that other thing called ‘health insurance.’ But at least at this point I realize the ridiculousness of it and just laugh about it. And if they fire me, all the better. FU925. Wouldn’t that be a great licence plate?

So it’s 7 pm and feels like midnight cuz the sun goes down at 5 now. I’ve drunken all the wine I bought last night and a neat little wine shop I found and so now all that is left is to work on my novel and get excited about the possibilities of really, like for real, saying FU to 9 to 5. And G-Night!

enjoying the things around me: fire, wine, comfy chair, laptop, but at the same time I’m annoyed, grumpy, and tired.

Tired because my exercise addict husband made me get up at 4;30 this morning to drive to Portland in time for a 6:15 Body Blast class. (That’s a 60 minute long torturous assault on every muscle group in the body if you were wondering). Now I’m satisfied that I did it but sore and tired.

Grumpy because I have PMS and have all week. Isn’t it funny how people I normally like irritate the living shit out of me when I have PMS. There is a guy at work, D. He’s the brother of a good friend of mine (who coincidentally also irritates the shit out of me when I have PMS). He’s nice and funny and I used to think cute. Before I knew him so well, he seemed like a perfect prospect if I ever happened to get divorced. Now, not so much. He’s so negative and gloomy and Eeoyore-like. I had to give him a lecture today about thinking positive. He thinks his worldview of “expect the worse, then be pleasantly surprised” is effective. I don’t. I mean, I try not to get my hopes up unreasonably high, but COME ON. If you never expect anything more than mediocrity than what’s the fucking point?????

Also pissed off at my piano teacher, who is raising her rates beginning Jan. 1 to $80 a month. You may think that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s what you get for your money. 30 minutes (usually less because she’s running late) a week, most of it telling me about God, her sex life, the time her husband almost left her, her weight problem, her crazy family, or other things. Have I actually learned anything productiec in hte last year? Um, no. And then she acts irritated because I can’t play worth shit. (or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive in a PMS type fashion)

My cats are also annoying me. One is not eating, which really irritates me because then I have to worry about him, and I HATE IT when people/animals make me worry about them. It makes me want to live alone and have no friends or family so I can just worry about my own self and nothing else. I totally understand being a recluse. I can’t deal with it. The other cat is being a greedy, needy pig, and I know he’s a lovely cat that just happens to have emotional problems but I’m a bitch right now and can’t handle that either. Right now, I won’t let him anywhere near me, so he is sitting on the couch, next to my chair, just so he can be near me.

I’ve become obsessed with making money. Not in the tradional  9 to 5 sense but in every other sense. I’m trying to find ways of squeezing blood out of stones, turnips, whatever so one day I can avoid going to work. Meanwhile, I’m trying to bilk my current ocmpany by working as much overtime as possible since they pay me time and a half for it and it’s damn good money. It’s all completely irrational and contradictory, which pretty much describes my personality sometimes.

And J is miserable too so we talk about what suckers we are working for the man, which just makes it worse, because if at least one of us believed in this bullshit capitalist system, then maybe it would rub off on the other one. But now we just hate ourselves for not having the balls to quit our jobs and do what we really want to do. So I horde money and try to pay off my mid-life-crisis-minicooper, which I still love in this completely irrational way.

And my sister, who had been unemployed for several months, and I worry about (so I’m mad at her too), finally got a job. And I’m happy and so is she, even though it’s at a company that she continually quits from (though not the last time). But she has a mortgage and the pay is good so she has learned the lesson at the age of 36 that yes, if you are the little people of America, you have to be a slave to the man if you want to pay your mortgage.

And is I type this out, I think, if i could write my novel as quickly and passionately, and with no thought whatsoever as I do this blog, and I could actually make it interesting and grammatically correct too, that would kick ass.

And so I will continue on wiht my new novel, which I do believe in, but I keep writing and rewriting Chapter 1, losing more faith in it eahc time I rewrite it. And now the red wine is kicking in, my muscles hurt, and my eyelids are getting heavy as the hum of the propane fireplace blurs in the background and the heat hits my feet and …. boy it’s only 6:45 so I guess I better rewrite Chapter 1 one more time.

It’s been cold, but today is sunny and warmish. But still, I’m feeling so into fall.

- All I want to eat is meat, cheese, and bread. Those little pizza/sub shops that I normally shun look and smell sooooo good. Pizza, meatball subs, steak and cheese… even a hot veggie sub. Yum! Heaven! Fuck high class, I want blue collar food.

- I want to play the piano, I want to write, I want to read and lay in bed! Yes! It was a beautiful sunny day and I have yard work to do, so I went out and raked and cut back some perennials, but the garden’s a disaster…the whole year was a disaster… and I can’t fix it now. I just want the frost to come and kill it all, then next spring I’ll start all over. Whatever. Each year is different. But I’m sort of done with the garden for now.

- wine, hot chocolate, kahlua, no more cocktails for me. Those are for the summer.

- soup, root vegetables, rice, and pasta. warmth.

My whole life I never lived by the seasons. Please. I was raised on frozen food, supermarkets, intercontinentally delivered food. Most of my youth was spent on an Air Force Base in Japan, which means I ate food that was made in teh US, frozen, and shipped to Japan (on a ship). Since I moved to Maine, I live more and more by the seasons, but this fall in particular I feel a total change in my bodily wants and needs. I wouldn’t touch a blueberry with a ten foot pole. I feel like I would barf if I ate a piece of lettuce. I want carbs man! And so I’m gaining weight and frankly don’t really feel bad about it. I know I should, so it nags at me, but my body is telling me to beef up for lean times.

Anyway, I’m working on my book and loving it. Me and J both are going through this phase, which we probably do every fall, where we realize there is more to life than 9 to 5 and just wnat to say fuck it and quit and do the things we love. I can imagine being retired. Right now, I’m fantasizing about when we pay off the house (which hopefully will be 8 years from now) and taking a year off to write. Of course, I’d like to be a world-famous author well before then, but sigh…

We went to see “Capitalism: A Love Story” last night and I left livid and practically in tears. It’s just such bullshit. The richest 1 % own as much as the rest of us 99%. How much money do you need? Honestly. For these banks to make loans to people and then take their houses away, just so they can make an even bigger profit. It’s just disgusting. It’s disgusting. How much money do you need?

Sigh… I admit, I’m about to be over capitalism. I’m about to be over it.

My real dream is this, because I”m like that guy, Horatio Alger. I’m just a good hearted citizen. I want to open a successful company. And I want to pay workers good wages. I want them to get the profits. I want us all to succeed. I’m not the only one like this. C’mon people. CAnt’ we do better than this corporate bullshit? Do we all need to have 600 billion dollars?

Sorry… I get upset about these things. I feel completely blessed for what I have, but I’m just pissed off that some people horde sooooo much more than any human would ever need if they lived to be 600 million years old while other people have absolutely nothing. OK, done. J wants to look for flip flops. Should be super easy as we go into winter in Maine… ! : )

in charge, we might allow (or even require) women with PMS to just stay the fuck home rather than subjecting ourselves and other people to hormone induced pissiness. Yes, I’m talking about me. I have PMS. I also have 1) a lingering flu-like illness that leaves me dead tired and makes me want to lay in bed constantly 2) really sore gigantic water filled boobs 3) a sick cat who had a very unfun vet appointment (along with me) this morning and will have to be back at the vet tomorrow for anasthesia and an oral exam to see if the reason he’s grumpy and not eating is because of oral cancer, an absess, or maybe an infected scratch from the other cat 4) really irritating coworkers who piss the fuck out of me, 5) and a controlling personality that makes other aspects of my job really fucking annoying.

So those are the bad things. The good things are 1) a bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel 2) Vermont cheddar cheese 3) pasta and ragu (don’t call ME a snob) and 4) italian bread with oodles of olive oil. Oh, and most importantly of all, a husband who came home, went out for a run before the sun came down, looked at me pouring wine and cutting cheese and didn’t say a word about my fat, lazy ass and the fact that I”m not even thinking about going out for a run with him. God bless him.

That’s all for now. The wine might bring on more insights shortly. I’ll keep you posted.

and I’ve been in bed most of the day. J’s been sick with a cold, as have various people at work. Late last night, after dinner with friends (which was very fun) I got home and just felt blah. Actually more like blah with an exclamation mark. I took my temperature, and as usual, it was 96.7. Can that sustain life? I’m I really that cold-blooded? Oh well… so I cranked my electric mattress pad up to high, layered on teh blankets and shivered for several hours, then had weird dreams and the usual panicked dreams about Medicare and insurance that is part of my life right now.

Then the morning came, and I stayed in bed. Then the afternoon came, and I stayed in bed. At one point, I got up, came downstairs to J manically cleaning the kitchen with music blasting (ok, not really blsting, maybe just playing) from the computer, one of the cats laying in the corner acting sick, and a warped wooden pie board. Way too much for me to handle. I ran, didn’t walk, back to the bedroom, shut the door, turned the mattress pad back on, and went back to sleep.

J went to play soccer, despite being sick. He just loves it. I’m happy for him. Me, I’m here making autumn vegetable soup, worrying about the cat, and seriously contemplating going back to bed again. Poor kitty. : (

relative, at least on the career front. My rather discouraging day started with normal work BS. Then escalated into rarer, but still not uncommon work BS. Yet another member of the senior leadership has “resigned.” This time a VP in my department. A very, very nice guy by the way. The company is officially now run by consultants in other states, who show in the office every other week or so and fire people by conference call. IT’s total BS.

Luckily, I thought, I have a job interview today. Eff this shit. I’m outta here! So I leave early, pissed off by more than one thing…the others perhaps slightly petty… go home and prepare at the last minute for said interview. Of course I’ve gotten zero sleep this week, partly because I think about work constantly, partly because J’s pager keeps going off in the middle of the night… and just because I always sleep crappily.

Anyway, so I get there and realize that well, I guess the company I work for isnt’ so bad. I so don’t want that job. I don’t care how much it pays, though frankly, I don’t think it pays much. I suppose I needed this to put it all in perspective.

Things I love about my crappy job/company:

-The people I work with…soo awesome

-My salary. It ain’t much, but it’s still more than I really need

-The little bennies that make the company special - free pies at Thanksgiving. Nerdy giving campaigns, chili cookoffs

-My boss. He can be a tool, but I like him

-A company with an ambitious mission, even if they’re going about it all the wrong way right now

-$500 spot bonus I just got since someone recognized that I’ve been working my ass off and am kind of miserable

-4 weeks of vaca once I”m there 4 years (a mere 1 year and 4 months away!)

-As much as I hate consultants, at least I might learn something from them.

-My title

So maybe I’ll stop complaining for a day or two. And now I’m going to drink my hot chockie and kahlua and crash probably before dinner time. Sooo tired!

I’m a youngest child so I always thought that I was much too selfish to be a martyr. I hate martyrs! Nobody cares that they work so hard. They just do it to make themselves feel superior and to make the rest of us feel like slacker. Not playing that game! Or am I?

I got to work before 8 am this morning. Then at 5:45 I cancelled my piano lesson, even though I COULD have shown someone how to do what I had to do…but no, I didn’t. I stayed until 6:30, until the job was done. And did I feel superior? Um, Hell Yeah! God I’m a hard worker.

Funny, huh? WEll, I have a job interview tomorrow. Not really prepared and secrely don’t really want the job already. I’m digging the fact that I’m needed and comfortable and the stress kind of gets me excited sometimes. I suppose this is all normal in some world, right? I’m a little disappointed in myself nonetheless though, since I always thought I was superior by being the anti-martyr. The person who had a life outside of work. Oh well.

I’m tired and need to get up extra early…why? BECAUSE I’M A MARTYR!  Duh.

Do you feel like a slacker yet?