Thanks for the fish

what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I am truly the queen of following her nose. Or other parts of her body.

Soo… scandal! I had lunch (again) with a handsome older guy who I just happened to have been insanely in love with at a certain time in my life. Why am I doing this? Let’s see…. I’m bored and need a little excitement in my life and sometimes I feel so damn numb that I wonder if I really am still living? Or, I just need a friend or someone to talk to, especially since he is also a writer and does actually give me some good writerly tips. Or, I’m secretly not happy with my life and just feel like ruining it all. Or, I’m looking for material for my book. Or, I’m really still in love with him even though he’s practically old enough to be my father.

Hmm. That didnt’ help clear it up for me. So, my tendency is to ignore the whole thing for a while. Chances are he will never email me again anyway and then I can go over the whole grieving process of realizing he doesn’t give 2 shits about me once again. Fun! Oh stupid stupid stupid girl!

I guess I haven’t written much lately. Yikes, I haven’t had my glass of wine tonight so maybe I have nothing to say? Could it be true? Nah…

Having a slight self-esteem crisis because a new girl started at work and everyone likes her better than me. People look at her when they talk, they go to her cube, not mine, even the cute boys no longer look at me. It’s horrible! Except the fact that I really, really like her. So I guess it’s ok. I have PMS too so perhaps it all seems a little more magnified. But it’s good because I realize once again that I can’t base how I feel based on how people react to me.  I’m working through that.

What else? Made a beef stew in the crockpot tonight and waiting for J to get home. I’m hoping he will want a glass of wine so I can open a new bottle. I know, you’re asking, why would that stop me? Well, I’m trying to be good…went shopping for 2 weeks and could only afford 2 bottles of wine. Of course the first was gone after the weekend, so last night I was sober. All night. Whoa! It wasn’t so bad. I thought about doing it again tonight but then J seemed to hint that he might need a glass. I guess I can’t stop him! If that’s what he really wants to do… I admit, I’ll be crushed if he changes his mind, which he probably will. But I will persevere. I’ll eat a whole sleeve of ritz crackers instead!

Well, I guess that’s it. There are other things I could write about but they would make me feel too guilty, and who needs that when you have PMS? Not me! Adios.

So before I can even think about my 1,000 words tonight, I need a therapy session. Everyone ok with that? Good.

So… my marriage has been a little eh..rocky? lately. And most of it has been because of my immature/inassertive retardedness. I don’t know what’s come over me. I let J run my life…NO. I let him plan our activities. And then I get bitter and resentful about it. Do I ever say, “no, dear, I’d rather sleep in, smoke cigarettes and be a sloth?” like I want to. No. So, really, it’s all my own fault.

He was out of town last week and it was actually really nice. Not becaue I don’t love him, but because I was actually on my own schedule. Then he gets back and all of a sudden I’m back on the J plan. Today was kind of a shitty day at work. NOthing bad really happened. I was just tired and in a mood. WWe had carpooled and were “supposed” to go to the gym, but it was pouring rain, hurricane-like outside and well, I just wanted to go home. So did I say this? Well, sort of. But J said, “NO we’re going to the gym” and I know he wanted to go and was trying to be a positive influence, so I just got really grumpy and pouted. We didn’t go to the gym. Why can’t I just have a mature conversation instead of acting like a child? And then I felt horrible about it, guilty and bad about myself.

So I started thinking about this. When did this dynamic start? We used to just do our own thing and we were both happy about that. Carpooling is part of it, and that started when gas prices were really high last year (or 2008?). But more importantly, I think it was when J started running. We both used to try to be good and go the gym. But now he’s absolutely obsessed with exercising. He wants to exercise for 2 hours every day. I’d be more than happy to get my 30 minutes in and call it a day. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t want to do it. But I know I should. But its hard to go with him because I know it’s going to be a long, drawn out affair.

Plus, I think he got a lot of confidence when he started running. He found something he is good at. Maybe not fast, but he likes it, gets enjoyment out of, and can do it for insane amounts of time. Great. Ok, I admit it, it makes me feel inferior and unworthy. I know this, and I still encourage him. I’m glad he’s found something he’s passionate about. I won’t let my own insecurity about being a sloth stop him. But it does make me feel bad about myself. And then I smoke and feel like an even bigger loser. I know this is my issue and not his fault.

So what’s to be done. Stop carpooling, stop going ot the gym together, start speaking my mind (again), and stop feeling guilty for being myself. So I’m a smoky slothy loser. You knew that when you married me! Leave me alone.

And another thing, I need to find something I feel good about. Something I”m good at. I know I’ve mentioned it before. Ok, I can kick his ass (and many others) at Jeopardy. And Trivial Pursuit. That’s something, right? I’m writing a book and I’m persevering. I wish I could get it done and sell it and just say, “there! I did something!”

Ugh. I’m on the verge of tears lately and it’s just stupid. I’m a neurotic mess. Oh well… enough of that. Time to get to work on “the book”. It’s windy and rainy and awful here right now, but I”m home and I didn’t have to work out, so that’s good. Though I suppose it would’ve made me feel better. But at any rate, I’m glad to get that all off my chest, so thank you.

Day 2? 3? of solitude in the house and I’m really getting into the groove now. Last night was awesome. Came home, did my belly dancing exercise DVD, had a few drinks, did some reading, slept like a rock. tonight I had yoga, came home, snarfed up dinner (I don’t seem to enjoy eating as much alone), having a drink, next maybe I’ll clean up a bit, call the hubby, do my writing… yeah, so basically I’m doing nothing differently than usual, but for some reason, I’m enjoying it. I’ve had time to just commune with myself. I even stopped listening to the radio in my car and have just been enoying the silence. It feels like I haven’t done that in a long time. And it’s nice.

Oh boy… boy and boys. I’m in one of my boy crazy phases. Cute boys everywhere! Tall boys, handsome boys, old boys, young boys (well not THAT young), smart boys and dashing boys and boys that wear interesting sweaters. so many boys, so little self control. Kidding! I’m actually holding up fine.

I only wrote 677 words last night. I was even kind of on a roll, but then it just dried up. I decided not to force it. After all, 677 is better than nothing. I don’t want to make it so painful that I dread doing it. I’ll try again tonight. I haven’t been doing my morning pages, but haven’t really had to since I spend the hour driving in to wrok just talking to myself and thinking and working things out. So that seems to serve the purpose.

Boy, this blogging is really narcissistic isnt’ it? I’m sorry. Me, me, me. waha ha haaha whaa. Ok… guess I’ll go do something. I should shovel snow, but it’s dark and cold and I dont’ really feel like it. I’ve got one more night of freedom. I’ll do everything then. : )

Don’t I always talk about how I love being alone? So, why then, when J left this afternoon for a week away did I whine like a kitten being taken away from its mother? and why now, do I feel completely out of whack? Why does it feel so foreign to be alone? Maybe it’s just that it hasn’t happened in a while, which probably means that it was due.

I read somewhere (I have no idea where) how it is a “natural” human feeling and that there are tribes in Africa (don’t quote me on this) who believe that when you are alone, witches will get into your soul and take it over. You go crazy when you’re alone, in other words. So nobody ever is alone. I’m starting to understand that a bit.

But… I think there are sociological reasons behind that probably - one, it’s not safe to be alone in certain conditions and 2) if people start thinkking indivualistically and not as part of a group, that in a way threatens the group. So maybe that’s why it was discouraged.

But I do feel cut off…and it’s only been 2 hours! And I have the cats. and surely I’ve been alone for 2 hours recently…I think it’s just that I know he won’t be home for a week. It seems so quiet. and I don’t know what to do with myself. What should I do? I did my writing already. I suppose I should make dinner, but it seems sort of silly and I feel fat… My lord, it’s going to be a long night!

I’m actually happy to be going to work tomorrow. I suppose in a few days I’ll be used to it and maybe even enjoying it. But for now, it’s dark and I’m in teh middle of the woods with two scaredy cats to protect me.

I suppose it is peaceful though. and I can smoke cigarettes on the stoop. Maybe I’ll go watch a chick flick on DVD. Or look at porn. The possibilities are endless.

Well, in some ways it was. I have specific goals that I try to accomplish most days. Write 1000 words, do my morning pages, do some reading, exercise (on specific days. Let me tell you about my day:

Got up at 5 am, groaned and moaned for about 15 minutes, then did my morning pages. Yay! J decreed it “gym day” which also means carpooling. IN my morning pages I wrote about how resentful I was getting having to get up when he wanted to, etc. We left the house and about 3 miles out, I realized I forgot my boots and we had to turn around and come back. I did the same thing (but with my bra) last week, so he starts on this rampage about how I’m such a retard, etc. (Ok,, he didn’t really use that word, but that’s how I interpreted it) and I was like, you know what, I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of effing carpooling, and I’m sick of getting up when you want, and eating my breakfast when you tell me, and I’m sick of feeling like I”M in junior high and you’re my mom driving me to school and I forgot my homework. That’s what I said. And you know what? It felt good. Because I told the truth and just got it off my back and THAT is how morning pages are useful. It’s harder to let things fester because you make them real on the page. Which, I know, it’s silly that I can’t just tell my husband the truth and say “Look, dude, I want to sleep in. And I don’t feel like working out today.” But the fact of the matter is that 1) I really do hate to say no, especially when people want to do things with and 2) I know that he is a positive influence on me and that when I do things with him they will help me accomplish my goals. But still. I feel like I have no … control?… over my own life.

But as I keep saying…it’s winter and I really don’t feel right anyway.

But I digress… so we went to the gym and as I’ve mentioned here before, I’ve really gotten puffy. The back fat is really starting to get to me and I’m just tired of feeling gross. So I’m motivated now. I had a fantastic workout and even did some crunches and weights and stuff. So that was the 2nd thing that went right today (after the morning pages and the assertive behavior with my spouse). I guess that’s 3 actually.

Then there was this long space in between called “work,” which sucked just by the nature of the beast, if you know what I mean.

THEN, we went to the library, which was also J’s idea, and also something I didn’t really feel like doing, but knew it would be good because I always write much better, or at least faster, because I’m not distracted by the internet Cranked my 1,000 words out in less than an hour and even though my plot is a total mess, I keep moving forward. I can fix it later.

And now it’s 7:30 and I’ve had about 1600 reasonable calories and one large glass of wine and I have time to sit in the captain’s chair with my electric throw blanket and type away on this blog and then do a bit of reading.

So even though m eyes hurt all day and it was cold and I felt kind of icky and work is a complete waste of time and me and my husband aren’t exactly lovey dovey… it was still sort of a banner day.

This has become the place I hang out when I dont’ get around to doing my “morning pages” in teh morning. Gotta to get it all somewhere. This interface is really annoying. Half of the sentence I can’t see and it’s hard to have faith in what I”m writing when I can’t see it being written. But I’m sure it’s good for the brain somehow though I suspect I may be typing some words wrong. Ack! Don’t like it.

It’s been a long week. I went to the mall at lunch today because I wanted to buy some new sweaters that I felt good in. I’m still feeling puffy and back0gatty and even though I’m exercising and (I think) eating slightly better, I seem to be coninuing to gain weight. So I thought some bright colored sweaters might help. I spent $100 which is not in the plan. Oh well. Anyway, as I was driving back to work, I had my Bob Dylan’s greatest hits in and was just enjoyinmg the words and the music and for the first time in so long I just felt like I was present with myself and not under the influence of someone else. And it felt good. It was just all me. Why don’t I feel that more often?

Anyway, J is going to be out of town all week next week and even thought that freaks me out from a “being alone in the middle of the woods at night” standpoint, I’m also sort of looking forward to it, even though I know I’ll just drink alone, ignore the cats, search for old boyfriends on the internet, and get absolutly nothing of value accomplished.

Laughed my ass off at work today with my new BFF. we talk about boys all day and lust after various age-inappropriate boys/men (either 50+ or 30_). We’re middle horny middle-aged women. And that’s that. At least I’m not a lone horny middle-aged childless woman at work lusting after age-inappropriate boys/men.

And I guess it’s time for my 1000 words. My plot’s getting kinda crazy. I need practice with crazy plots. Still (at 14000+ words) feeling pretty darn good about the whole project. That’s an insanely good sign.

Addicted to chocolate bread soaked in chocolate liquer, smothered in strawberries and whipped cream. Yum.

I suppose I’m trying to avoid writing…though technically i am writing here, so whatever. My mind is a mess. I don’t even know what I think about anything. I hate when that happens. Though perhaps the hot buttered rum isn’t helping. You know what the problem is? The problem is I have too many powerful personalities in my life right now and I am so easily persuadable that I don’t know which one should be overwhelming me right now! Winter is probably not helping either.

And so… I need to stay focused on myself and what’s important to me. I just can’t help it, though, when someone I like is really interested in something, or really good at something, or just has an appealing part of their personality, and I just want to be just like them. But I’m not.

We went cross country skiing in New Hampshire this weekend and it was “fun.” It was fun once I finished, but as I did it, I can’t say I entirely enjoyed it. I spent the whole time, in this absolutely beautiful snow-covered setting, trying to keep up with everyone else. I’m slow. I’m slow at everything. And I like it that way. I like to savor things. And it was really beyond my physical abilities. We went 10K (6.2) miles, half of it up hill. It was hard, though I do feel it’s useful to do hard/uncomfortable things sometimes. The thing is, I also feel the need to do something I’m good at sometimes, to make me feel good about myself, and sometimes I wonder if there IS anything I’m good at. Is there?

So I guess the theme of this post is that I’m a wee bit insecure lately, which I find incredibly annoying as every year goes past I think will be the very last year that I suffer from this junior high emotion. I know we are all insecure sometimes. But I still hate it. Why do I care if people like me, or think I’m interesting, or want to be with me? I’ve always prided myself on being independent and free thinking and not giving a rats ass. But of course I do. OH well. I’m human. So be it.

I’m having lunch the week after next with a man I used to be completely in love with. Bad idea? I guess I’m trying to recreate “the healing process” I went through with an ex-boyfriend of mine. Revisiting the past in order to get over it. I think I’m over him, but he is an interesting guy and there aren’t that many of them around, so why shut people out of your life just because they shattered your heart with a hammer and then stepped all over it? Right?

Is it spring yet? Ok, I’m getting back to my 1000 words for the day. I missed 3 days this week already. Time to get back on track. Single minded focus. I don’t care about anything else.

Someti
es I wonder if I do stupid thing just so I have something interesting to write about. Or else because I’m bored. Or else because I just can’t control myself!

Sigh.. but it’s so fun. And I do need something to break up the winter blahs. I don’t feel that the winter has been harsh or bad or anything, but my body/mind (me) is just not feeling right. I woke up with a sore shoulder this morning and could barely lift my arm up, and I’m moody and sensitive and I don’t even have PMS. I think the new girl at work is rubbing off on me, and I don’t like the film it’s leaving on my skin. I love her, I do. But it’s like having an overly dramatic me that talks to me all the time at work and rubs all her oversensitivity off on me. It’s too much. and she tells me all the time how much she likes me. that makes me very uncomfortable and distrustful. Yes, I know I have issues. And please don’t touch me, whatever you do.

I’m a complete mystery to myself. Does anyone else ever feel that way. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing or feeling or why. I’m an unpredictable mess.

And I’ve been drinking too much wine and smoking too many cigarettes and it’s really not contributing to my goal of being “in the best shape of my life.” Though I did go to the gym and do a half assed walk/run on the treadmill. And I’ve tried not to eat pie eveyr night.

We’re running short on groceries and are not supposed to go back until a week from tomorrow. I’m doing a 2 week shop lately to save money and reduce impulse purchases. But we’ve got nothing here but wine (not so bad really) and cheese.

Going out of town for the weekend to see family and do some cross country skiing. Should be fun, but I’m sick of getting my hopes about things (see the mood I’m in? It’s just stupid). ooh, negative. Guess that’s it’s for me. I didn’t get my morning pages in today so I guess I have to whine somewhere. Only 4 more months of winter. : ) Happy happy.

focus. I have learned one thing in life. If you want something, you can usually get it, but usually only if you have single minded focus. A one track mind. You focus on that one thing constantly and voila! Like magic (painful time consuming magic) you get what you want. I’ve made this work for me with: men, minis, jobs. Now I’m going to make it work for my real dream: to get my effing novel written and published.

I’m writing 1000 words a day. I’ve done that before, but this time it’s different. I’m not doing it as an exercise, or as practice, or to prove to myself that I have the discipline. This is the real deal. I’m not saying that what I’m writing is a work of art or anything. Or that draft 2 won’t need to be completely rewritten. But I like the plot. I like the characters. I like my subject matter. and I’m just goddamned determined to follow this through to the bitter end. I don’t care if I have no life at all this year. If I just come home and write my 1000 words or rewrite my 1000 words, or whatever I have to do that day, that’s fine because I have no other goals to accomplish. I did want to get in shape too, but fuck that. Once I’m a rich and famous author, I’ll hire a personal trainer who can get me in shape.

So that’s where I’m at on January 4. I’m absolutely exhausted today. Monday after the 2nd 4 day weekend in a row. Going back to work was rough. but why talk about work? I’m reading all kinds of things. Things about bees (did I mention I was getting a hive?), and Salmon Rushdie, and writing. This is the great thing about winter. No distractions with the garden. Though I am suddenly obsesssed with house projects, like getting a pellet stove and finishing the basement. And painting and decorating. I guess you could say I’m in a nesting phase. J is cooking beets and potatoes and the smell is making me ill. It’s 7:30 and I’m trying to stay awake though I think I will probably be in bed within the hour. I could always go “read” in bed (which means lay in bed with a book on my chest and fall asleep.

Oh well.. why fight it? I went to the gym this morning and wrote my 1000 words. What else do I have to prove to the world?