Thanks for the fish

morethanksmorefish.blogspot.com

Thanks!

Fish!

More!

yay!

I’ll continue my ramblings at morethanksmorefish.blogger.com. Enough of blog.com!

So long, in fact, that I forgot my password! Also forgot how crappy blog.com is! Took me a good 5 minutes to log on.

sigh… anyway, you know I only blog on here when I’m discontent, and the changing of the seasons is always a good reason for discontentment. I love, love, love fall…BUT:

It depresses me. Like literally. Depress as in slow down…slllooowww down. My mind isn’t all here at this time of year. I lose all talent in social interactons (and I have few to begin with). I start having awkward interactions at Borders and Goodwill. I stop talking at work. I go into my shell. And I like my shell a lot.

I want to go to bed at 7 pm. IN fact, tonight, I looked at the clock at 6:38 and wished to god it was 9 so I could go to bed. And so, here I am, wasting time and wating for it to be a reasonable bedtime. I should do something productive, but I just want to hibernate.

Am I depressed, like mentally? No, not really. My life is oddly great. At least my weekend life. My work life, I”m a little bit discontent with. Ok, a lot discontent with. Here’s teh deal. I get to do a lot of (I think) really cool things. I’ve written FOUR TV commercials, which I think is wicked cool. And my crazy, great friend at work had a big part in the production/direction of them, and I think they turned out great. Yes, it’s narcissistic, but when you can see your work on TV (on TV!) or even in the mail or newspaper, I think it’s kinda cool. I love it, but at the same time I’m frustrated as hell about my job. So here are my options:

1) suck it up. My boss is an idiot/tool. But I like the people I work with. I get 4 weeks of vaca a year. I (theoretically) can work a 4 day work week (still equalling 40 hours) and have Fridays off (I’m going to actually try that this week.) And I do shit that I think is cool.
2) Move to a different dept. at the same company, keep my 4 weeks vaca, and hopefully my salary, do something I love a little less, for people I respect a little more…
or
3) Quit, write my novel, starve but be professionally fulfilled, or
4) Some combination of 1 or 2 + 3 and eventually still become a rich and famous writer.

Yeah, so work kinda sucks. And I’ve been so tired and listless that I’ve done little work on my book. I’m trying to really figure out how it works out before I write it. It’s getting good… really good. Really FUCKING good. But… I don’t know.

And then… I’m running. I’m getting motivated to swim. I feel like life is really awesome and great and I feel like my husband is exactly who I should be with. And I want more time to garden and write and read…

So, all in all, it’s pretty damn good. And there’s the update. Hope life is good for you as well! ANd good night. I’m turning on jeopardy and hopefully seeing one of my commercials!

dread writing tonight? I’m down to writing about once a week now.. on Fridays…for about 20 minutes. Yes, I’ve been busy. But it’s not a good enough excuse. So why am I resisting this tonight?

- because I don’t think I”m good enough. I’m convinced I’m just writing a bunch of crap that will really never be finished.

oh. I thought there would be more reasons. I guess there is only one. Bummer. I was hoping to at least do a top 10 list and kill an hour, at which point I would be too tired to actually write.

My cat just barfed and my husband is going ballistic…as if the cat did it JUST to piss him off. He has the pager and it’s going off and he’s yelling JESUS FUCKING CHRIST at the top of his lungs. Lordy. Now I’ve volunteered to clean up the cat barf and now all of a sudden I DO want to write and I want everyone else to shut the eff up and get out of my life (meaning hubby).

sigh.. and to work I go. No judgement. No self hatred. Just writing what I’m feeling inside. Here I go…

Well it has been a while. Why haven’t I been writing?

- it’s been a busy, busy summer. Busy at work, busy at home, lots of travel
- I think I’m suffering a lack of angst about my personal life…wtf?

could I be…. happy? content? Is it possible? Now that I’ve said this out loud (in type) will I now sabotage myself and make msyelf unhappy again? that and other big questions, next week on “as the blog drones on.”

So… I’m sick. I have a horrendous cough that has actually convinced me to stop smoking. given the fact that I had an extremely stressful day at work today and did NOT smoke, I’d say I’m doing pretty damn good. At first I thought I had COPD. Then Acid Reflux. Now I realize that I just caught a stupid bug from a coworker. I used to get sick all the time, but in the last few years, not so much. So getting an actual fever (99.5!!!) and being uncomfortably hacking has pretty much set me over the edge. The funny is (and the thing I must remember) is that I have absolutely NO sympathy for sick people. I see them as weak and pathetic and gross. But now I’m one of them and I expect everyone else to have sympahty for me. Do they? Shockingly, no.

I haven’t had a drink in DAYS. I am tonight but it tastes weird. Have I lost the taste for it? Will it come back? (I’m guessing yes..)

I signed up for the running portion of a triathlon. Like a relay-type thing. It’s just a 5k. “Just” does not mean I can easily do it. IT just means that you shouldn’t be impressed. I think the peer pressure of being on a team will motivate me. Despite that fact, I haven’t exercised since Sunday and I just ate a fried cheese sandwich. And will hit the Ben & Jerry’s soon. New favorite: Oatmeal cookie something something.

Work is busy as hell, stressful as hell, but …dare I say it… “good.”

Home life… dare I say it… “good.”

What’s wrong with me that I feel boring and useless as a blog writer now that everything is….”good.” ? Personal problem, I know! Hey! I have a problem! I NOT worthless. Cool.

And what else? Going to the beach for a weekend with my judgemental sister who likes to pick on fat people (and then insinuate that yours truly is in that category). But I don’t really care, because I’ll be at the beach and for some reason I am dying to go swimming in the ocean, despite the fact that that’s not something I normally do. I think it might be the triathlete company I’ve been keeping.

Made dilly beans last night. Have lived up to my self-given reputation as a pioneer woman this summer. Didn’t grow anything, but I’ve preserved lots of goods for the winter. Strawberries in the freezer. Strawberry jam. Pickles. Corn. Dilly beans. Next, applesauce and then I’m done!

And that’s a wrap! Good summer to everyone if anyone is left out there in teh blogosphere.

Gosh, it’s good to be missed! : ) Ok, now what do I have to say…

Well, it’s been a busy summer. A very social summer. I was doing some visualizing early in the spring and I was visualizing friends and stuff. So I only have myself to blame. It’s interesting to be back in friend land. I mean, I’ve always had some friends, but now I’m actually hanging out with them and getting into friend love triangles and stuff. hmm. (shrugging my shoulders)

I’ve managed to once again burn bridges at work. I try to suck it up and take it but sometimes I get all worked up and then my red headed personality comes out (funny how it transfers through the Miss Clairol box) and I explode. I told him I felt like a tool and monkey and an idiot. And I never get to do anything fun. whaa! Woe is me. Then I pouted all day. Lordy lordy. Oh well. He’s on vacation this week so at least I don’t have to face hiim. Then I have a job interview on Friday so hopefully I can put my notice in soon and just get it over with.

It’s an interesting situation. That will take too long to get into all the psychological entanglements here. The fact is that part of me really doesn’t want to leave that job. And part of me does. Though I suspect I will regret it if I do. But sometimes you just have to do things anyway. I guess what I’m afraid of is that it’s taking over too much of my life and brain space and I just sort of need a break. Though part of me is starting to realize that I need to stop running away from everything that becomes important to me.

On the other hand, after all that complaining about my marriage and angst about all that stuff, my marriage is actually totally amazing right now. I mean, we’re not having sex or anything, but I’m confident we’ll work up to that. J has been incredibly sweet and nice, even when I’m a moody, drunk bitch. Though I think this all started when I started being nice to him. Weird, huh! Surely I can make money on this concept because I’m sure nobody has ever thought of it. Be nice to your husband and he’ll be nice back! Nobody steal it or I will sue you.

It’s so hot and humid here, I feel like I live in Rangoon and not Maine. It’s raining right now. And jungly. My garden’s a mess. It started stressing me out but then I decided not to let it. This week I start working 4 day work weeks – 10 hours each day. Gotta get up early, but I’ll get every Friday off. Nice huh? My plan is to write for half the day and then do something around the house, like organize closets and stuff – stuff we never have time to do on the weekends. Of course, I do have time, I just decide to read books and play the piano and waste too much time on the internet. But on Fridays, it will be magically different, I know it will!

I’m trying to lose weight before I go to the beach with my weight-obsessed sister who does not believe that anyone over 135 pounds should be seen in public, and definitely should not be wearing a bathing suit. I’m trying to get to 150 by then, which is totally unrealistic, especially when I have hot dogs and cake like I did tonight. But I’ve been working out ( a little) and eating a lot of vegetables. And smoking again. And I ordered an adorable new bathing suit for Athleta.

Well, I guess that’s all the news from a month of not writing! Thought there would be more…. Oh well!

for a post. I’ve gotten in the bad habit of facebook. What a great idea! Post your stupid thoughts to the world! Well, who thought of that? Appeal to everyone’s narcissistic tendencies. Brilliant.

Anyhoo, I think it’s time I got back to embracing anonymity. I quit smoking on Friday. It’s been a bear, a bitch, and a nightmare. Nice phrase, huh? I like it! I actually had a cigarette tonight. Sigh… but it was only because I knew I had a pack in my car (a pack that I did actually think I threw away. Thought I threw away). I bought nicotine gum today since it’s been going so badly, and it nearly made me puke. I didn’t read the directions. I’m a fucking mess. Oh my god.

What else? Well, I turned 36. My goal was to not put up with any shit anymore. Of course I’m still putting up with quite a bit, but I think you have to or else they call you names, like antisocial or sociopathic or something. But I’ve really tried to limit it though. I’m working on being nicer to strangers and ruder to the assholes I know. I think it’s working. On the other hand, in my pscyho nicotine-withdrawn mood, I’ve been very whiny and maybe a little needy. Not attractive.

In other areas, I’m making major progress. I’m so not in love with someone anymore. Whew! Dodged another bullet there. Lord my shizophrenia scares me sometimes.

Doo de doo… wow, this is even embarrassing me anonymously! Oh well! I suppose I need to do something productive other than drink rum and eat cookies. I need to make lunches for teh rest of the week! And finish my Ayn Rand book, which I am loving.

Adios!

continues at work. J says I should fight back, and I tell him that now that I’ve decided to leave at the end of the year, that I want to leave on good terms… not burn any bridges. You never know who may help you out in the future. But god it’s exhausting.

So I ask myself, is it that I’m jealous of this woman? And I think… if she was a friend that I really cared about and I thought really cared about me.. no, I wouldn’t be jealous. I’d be happy for all her fame and glory (as much fame and glory as you can get from a nonproft health care company(, I really would. But this woman takes and takes and takes, and nothing is ever enough for her. She won’t be happy until she knows that I”m jealous. And if I’m not jealous, then damnit, she’ll try harder to make me jealous. And I try to be compassionate, becuase I realize how truly fucked up she is. She’s 42 and makes a huge deal about her birthday (aren’t we over this yet… btw, my birthday is on Sunday, what are you getting me? OH have I mentioend that my birthday is on Sunday? I like blue. Have I mentioend that?)

I mean, this is the type of behavior I expect out of a 13 year old. I cringe at my 13 year old self when I think of similar things I’ve done. It’s embarrassing and absurd, but mostly scary. Because this woman has gotten everyone to eat out of her hand. And I’m afraid if I say ANYTHING to her (because she takes anything the wrong way) that I”ll be branded and tortured. Psychology games are scary. Because I don’t know how to deal with them. And to some extent I’ve said, You know… I’m grateful that I get this chance to practice my patience and my ego letting go.. and lemme tell you… that’s gotten a LOT of exercise. But I”m about to effing snap. I can’t put up with this bullshit forever. And what do I care anyway? I should be learning how to deal with conflict better and to be more comfortable with people not likin me… because that’s life too. God I fucking hate her.

Sigh… but sometimes I like her. : ( But how can you liek someone that (i think) purposely makes me feel like shit everyday. J says I”m like an abused wife who says “But he’s really sweet sometimes” and boy does that make me feel like a sucker. So what do I do?

I can’t play this game much longer. Sigh.. anyway, back to the novel. Thanks for listening (reading).

to write that novel! So, I don’t know if I mentioned this yet or not (I have a tendency to drunken blog), but I am getting ready to do this writing shit for real. FOR REAL. So… I’m going to write 2 hours a night, every night. That’s not easy. Especially when I come home from work feeling raw, pissed off, and irritated. And annoyed, and betrayed, and belittled, and ignored. So, this is my segue to my happy place.

Join in with me. oohhmmmm ahhhh ohmmmm ahhhh. deep breath! Swig of margarita. deep breath. swig of margarita.

I can make this happen. I will make this happen. I know what I want and I’m going to get it. I may not be the next Ayn Rand, but I am a competent writer and I can write a book. Have you read any books lately? Any of them any good? I can tell you, I’ve started a lot of shitty books lately. I can do just as good, trust me.

Ok, self pep talk over. And to writing I go. Thank you for your time.

Alright. Uncle. I’m done complaining about my marriage. now, I’m going to complain about my job.

For the state I live in (the pathetic state of Maine) I make decent money. For the record, I make $50K for being a copywriter at a health care company. I get good bennies. I get 4 weeks of combined vaca/sick leave. I get a lot of major holidays off. My coworkers are fairly cool, if not extremeley fucked up. I drive about 45 minutes/40 miles to work. And I’m bored off my FUCKING ass about 7.75 hours of the day.

Sooooo… there are also other problems. As usual, the boss is completely! clueless. The respect isn’t really there. There’s betrayal on a daily basis. The usual corporate C-R-A-P. so what do I do? I say… well, I get paid pretty good for teh state I live in. I get pretty good bennies. I have the CAR of my dreams… it’s all… OK… right?

W-R-O-N-G! I’m miserable. Life is fucking short. Does it behoove the brain of a 35 year old WOMAN to be bored off her ASS for 8 hours a day? Um. no.

Soooo… I have some savings. I also have a husband who plans on QUITTING his job and becoming a much lower paid NURSE than his current IT guy salary. And you know what? FUCK it. I have 18,000 in savings. Am I going to buy a condo in Portland? NO. Am I going to finish the basement? NO. Am I going to buy a TANZANITE ring? NO. You know what I’m going to fucking do? I’m going to FUCKIGN quit my EFFINBG job and I’m going to write a FUCKING novel. That’ swhat I’m giong to do.

But first…. because I’m a responsible little dooby. I’m going to pay off the car of my dreams. I’m going to SAVE a little more money. And then I’m going to accept the fact that I may NOT be the most talented writer in the history of the world, but SURELY less talented than I have made a living by the writing of the word. And so… I commit and dedicate myself to the task of writing TWO hours a day on my novel (factoring in breaks for blogginmg of course) and by december of 2010, I will say FUCK YOU to corporate bullshit and will start living my own fucking ADVENTURE.

And that’s the way it’s going to be.