Just hired..
a cleaning lady. Yay! Not that it’s going to affect me too much, since I don’t really clean anyway. But it will be nice to have a clean house. And certain people can stop nagging. J said something about hiding my you-know-what… like I care that the cleaning lady knows I do that. puleaze.
Anyhoo… I get all introspective and stuff during the day as I’m locked in dark dank cube land and I get all these crazy ideas… then I come out into the sun (err..clouds..) and cheer up. Then I have a few cosmos and cheer up even more. Right now, I’m at about 49% on the cheer-o-meter.
But back earlier when I was at about 15%, this is what I was thinking. I can’t guarantee that any of it will make any sense.
Have you ever seen the movie Memento? It’s about a guy who has no short term memory and can’t make new memories. But he can remember what happened up to a certain point, which is when his wife was murdered. So he tattoos himself with clues about who killed her and every day has to sort through the clues again sometimes not understanding his clues from the day before. Then at the end, he figures it out, but realizing that then he’ll have nothing to live for (since his quest is complete), he writes a false clue to himself. The next day he wakes up, forgets he’s solved it and the quest continues.
Sometimes I think I do that too. I create things that aren’t there…things that could go away if I’d let them (and should!!) but then I miss them and I feel an emptiness. So I nurse them and bring them back and then they make me miserable! But what’s the alternative? Peace and contentment? Blech!! At least it’s something real I’m feeling when I’m miserable. Of course it sucks at the time, but there’s a certain relish in it. I guess when you feel that bad you have to believe that if you got what you wanted, that you’re miserable that you don’t have, then it would have to be the opposite of misery, which is bliss. See the logic?
I’m actually not miserable at this particular moment. But I’m considering making myself so. It will take some effort though, so now I’m in the watchful waiting phase to see if something just naturally occurs to bring it on. Wouldn’t want to overdo it. Or I guess I could just do something productive like write a fucking novel!
Speaking of which… some notes about the archetypal journey.. http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/ Guess I should pick up this book by joseph cambell.. I was way into him in college.
And was researching stuff for work (really!) and came across some jazz quotes.
“Sustained intensity equals ecstasy.” Wynton Marsalis
I think I know what he’s talking about… I think he’s talking about flow. I’ve gotten this when I meditate, when for a split second, you’re there, and it is ecstasy, and then you have the thought “this is ecstasy” and then poof, it’s gone. I’ve also gotten this playing the piano. When I was practicing arpeggios just going as fast as I could and then I’d hit a few perfect runs… it was beyond thought, it was just happening. I guess you could get that feeling playing ping pong too. Or video games.
“Writing is like jazz. It can be learned, but it can’t be taught.”
Paul Desmond
“I believe in things that are developed through hard work. I always like people who have developed long and hard, especially through introspection and a lot of dedication. I think what they arrive at is usually a much deeper and more beautiful thing than the person who seems to have that ability and fluidity from the beginning. I say this because it’s a good message to give to young talents who feel as I used to.”
Bill Evans
I’m sleepy. Here’s a random picture from my collection (I won’t even look when choosing it).
What’s that? Oh, that’s a big field by my house. Pretty sky.
