Thanks for the fish

Going to see Willie tonight! I see a prime excuse to wear my cowboy boots! whoo hoo! They don’t get a lot of use to be honest. Listening to a little Willie to get in the mood. He’s so good. : ) I don’t think most people have a clue. He’s got some great songs. 

Went for my run/walk tonight so I just squeaked by with my 2 days this week. It was raining but as I was driving home I saw Blondie out there and thought “if she can do it, I can do it! Go Blondie!” I’ve eaten horribly the last few days. We went to a greasy spoon (actually the blue spoon) for a team lunch and I got a BLT that looked and tasted like it was deep fried in butter. Yum!! But not the healthiest thing. I’ve got to start doing better. Work is still awkward, but life goes on.

I’ve made some real progress on my book. I’ve got my characters, some possible settings, and a sort of general theme. Now all I need is a plot! It will be some sort of a journey/adventure/mission/mystery type thing, but I need to find a reason why the people are on the mission and what they’re looking for, etc. Oh, that’s called a quest! ha ha. Going to work on a mind map this weekend and see what I come up with. Then when I come up with something decent, i’m going to look through all my “how to write a novel” books and see if I should finetune it in any particular direction. 2008 will be the year! yeah yeah… I know… 2007 was supposed to be the year. But, it’s kind of like quitting smoking… you keep trying and eventually you succeed.

Football season starts Thursday! Go skins! I haven’t followed the preseason at all, but I’m doing fantasy football so I need to start paying attention. It’s a good distraction so I don’t notice that summer’s over. Though I love the fall anyway. It’s crisp and cool and full of possibilities (must be from memories of a new school year). … .. la dee da… to all the girls I’ve loved before…. la dee da… Love this song! Willie’s like me… always falling in love. If you look, you’ll notice he has a new wife about every decade. I don’t do that. But then I’m only 33. And I think I got it right the first time. : ) But I still fall in love daily.

Well my father in law wants us to come down for a drink… the Willie concert was his birthday present (my idea!) so we’re heading off soon. Looking forward to 3 days off of book planning, gardening, reading, and sleeping in. And NO HOUSE GUESTS!  

You know how they talk about 3 martini lunches, back in the 50s or 60s or whenever that was. Man, oh man was I born in the wrong decade, and of the wrong sex. That would so make the afternoon go by faster!! This afternoon was just painful. And I feel like my muscles are atrophying because of sitting all damn day long. I’d go out and run (I actually want to!) but it’s already dark, so I’ll just do my weight training.

Work is going pretty well. I’ve been obsessing about these ads I wrote, but it turns out they were well received. I think I’m making some good impressions with people that matter. Which sort of takes the edge off the fact that a certain perverted phone rep hates my ass.  But it still bothers me. As much as I hate to admit it. I find myself justifying myself in my head all day long, and it’s really exhausting. Ok, 3 martinis. Would that be overkill? nah… 

I’ve actually been sleeping very well, and dreaming a lot. I had a dream about an owl last night. A giant owl and I thought he was going to attack me. Then I dropped my Palm in the dirt and got it back the next morning. And I was in period costume. I looked awfully cute in it too. ; )

Ok, why do I care if a Senator is gay and doing something in a bathroom? Don’t care.  

Yeah, I should’ve known it was going to be a shitty ass day when I woke from yet another dream about Borders Bookstore and lots of blood. This time the blood was in my room and I had apparently just narced someone out, which is actually quite appropriate, though I didn’t put 2 and 2 together till now. There was also bridges and water.. a fairly common theme in my dreams, though I was actually navigating them quite well. Then J made some comment, which I don’t even remember, that I took offense too, which is kind of weird. Oversensitve and insecure since 6:45 this morning. That’s me.

So, work. First, my boss has said nothign about these ads I did. Then I heard him on teh phone saying sommething about “rereading and tweaking” something. I wish he would just tell me to redo them. Tell me they suck and I’ll try again! But I thought they were pretty good. : ( That’s the sad thing. So I made some commetn to my coworker about how my boss always rewrote everything. Then, yesterday I narced someone out for saying inappropriate comments. I don’t know why I did it. I finally found a place where I get along with people and then I have to go make trouble. But the guy was driving me freaking nuts. I don’t want to hear about your sex life, dude. Actually I don’t want to hear voice at all, and that’s all I do hear. All day. Every day. So he gave me the look of death in the hallway today, and I think before he kind of liked me. I don’t really care, but I have a fear of karma. All I want is for him to shut the f up. But here comes my guilt complex.  And I’m convinced my boss hates me. I’m pretty sure it’s pms, given the fact that I am, this very minute, shoveling garlic mashed potatoes down my throat and washing them down with several cosmos. I can’t take conflict. 

Well, that’s about all I have. Now I need to sober up and go for a run, though I swear it’s already getting dark. I’m depressed. I’m stressed. I feel like I will never feel right again. IS that dramatic enough? I need valium and a week off. Everyday thigns are totally overwhelming me. Sigh.. ok, I can deal. relax…

Oh, I got “Walmart: the high price of low cost” from netflix this week. Very good. Very eye opening. I very seldomly shop at walmart because I feel unsafe and I don’t need anymore cheap-crap-from-china-that-kills, but I had no idea they were so misogynistic and racist. Not to mention many other atrocities. Watch it! And do not shop at Walmart. Honestly, they’re as bad as Dick Cheney, if not worse…? (did I just say that?) 

Bob dylan is coming back to the civic center, this time with Elvis costello (who I saw one time in DC when I had a big gash in my toe…painful! He was with Burt Bacharach and he rocked). But I guess I’ll pass… : ( He is a living legend and I love him. I’ve been through his home town of Hibbing, Minnesota. Oh, J’s home. Time to pretend to be sober. <poker face>  

tonight. I was driving back from Augusta at dusk with a clear blue sky and a big full moon and my Ryan Adams blasting on the radio… pretty sweet. : ) Speaking of which, Ryan Adams is comign to Portland and I wasn’t going to go because J didn’t seem too thrilled about it. We’ve had a pretty busy summer and I think he’s tired of going to see all my favorite musicians, so I let it go. Then today I was sitting at work thinking about how I almost went up to the top of the world trade center in July 2001 and the line was kind of long and I didn’t feel like waiting… There’s just no excuse to put things off that you really want to do, so I bought tickets. His new album is really great. 

Went out to eat and was determined to stick to my diet. Then I saw the crab cakes with garlic mashed potatoes… and the homemade whole wheat breat… then I naively asked what the soup of the day was… potato leek? umm, my favorite, yeah bring that too. hmm pomegranite cosmo, that sounds good. Blueberry lemon cake… yum. capuccino? Yeah, what the hell. I feel like I’m going to explode. And I have my weigh in on wednesday. i suppose I could just starve myself tomorrow. That always ends well. Oh well… it was a nice dinner… a nice night. No regrets. Though i do sort of regret not getting the dark gingerbread cake… hmmmmmm…

My dad seems to be recovering. They’re looking at more houses and I hope they find something.

Did I already talk about my plans for San Francisco? If I already did, then you’re probably already used to me repeating myself a million times… So I booked an Alcatraz tour, and we’re going to a ghost tour. We did one of those in Bath, England, on our honeymoon and it was a highlight of the trip (and the rest of the trip was pretty damn good too!). It’s fun to get out into a city at night and hear about the history and folklore and get a little scared too. Then we’re meeting J’s cousin for dinner one night. Other than that, not much planned.  

Here’s my current ryan adams favorite…”I taught myself how to grow old” 

Poor little rose, beaten by the rain
In the wind in the gale, thunder and the hail
Sometimes I feel like I’m going insane
Without the numbness or the pain so intense to feel
Especially now it added up through the years
And I, I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
Now I’m crooked on the outside, and the inside’s broke

Most of the time I got nothing to say
When I do it’s nothing and nobody’s there to listen anyway
I know I’m probably better off this way
I just listen to the voices on the TV ’til I’m tired
My eyes grow heavy and I fade away

‘Cause I, I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
‘Til I was crooked on the outside
I taught myself how to grow
Without any love and there was poison in the rain
I taught myself how to grow
‘Til I was crooked on the outside, inside’s caved
Crooked on the outside, inside’s caved
Crooked on the outside, inside’s caved
I taught myself how to grow old

Well, my dad seems to be ok. He had a “viral infection” whatever that means. A bug, I guess. My poor parents. They sold their house in Minnesota and now they’re renting it back from the guy who bought it. They’ve been looking for a place in New England for years and just can’t seem to find what they’re looking for. Sometimes it seems like they don’t really want to find anything.. but now without a house, what are they going to do? Now my dad is sick and they’ll probably go home having made no progress again. It can be a little frustrating. Oh well.

So I won’t worry about that anymore. I’m trying to decide what book to read next. I’m having a hard time stopping myself from buying new ones, though I really shouldn’t. I think I’ll take a break from all the brainy, psychology stuff and read some fluff. So I started “The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy” last night. Of course, that is what “thanks for the fish” is from. : ) Any time I need a quote, I use one from that… so don’t tell anyone that I’ve never actually read the book. Shhh… I tried to start “Hero with 1000 faces” but that just looked way too academic for my current mood. I’ll get back into brainy soon enough. I really want to buy “You Suck” by Christopher Moore… he is so great. So funny and irreverent. Then I came across this guy Carl Hiaasen, who writes these trashy books about Florida. : ) Or books about trashy Florida? And my family members keep giving me books by this Murikami guy… looks like I’m in for a busy winter.

Well, lunch hour is over. I turned in my freelance articles and my ads that were supposed to be brilliant, but really weren’t. We’ll see how that goes. Too much pressure. The gall of people to expect a writer to actually write. I’m much better at brooding and acting like a prima dona. That should really be enough.

Oh, one more thing. I took my fish oil last night for dreaming (it really works!). I keep dreaming about my old boss (ex boss actually, he wasn’t very old). I don’t know why. I also dreamed about English cousins and dead bodies. And Borders book store. And snowy roads but me driving pretty well on them (didn’t even panic!)

just last night I was saying how I hardly ever worried about anyone/anything anymore. My parents stayed here last night and took off again around 10:30 this morning. My dad was complaining that he wasn’t feeling that great, which, not to be rude, isn’t that unusual. I mean he’s close to 70 years old and is in pretty good health, but he often just doesn’t feel great….doesn’t sleep very well… stuff like that. So tonight when the phone rang, I had a feeling it was about him. Apparently he’s in the hospital but doing ok. The thing that sucks is that they’re away from home so I feel bad for my mom too. I didn’t answer the phone so just got a message, but called back and left a message that said they’re welcome to come back here. They’re probably about an hour or two away. I’d rather them come here then go to some crappy motel, but they’re pretty stubborn, so I’m sure that’s what they’ll do. I guess he had a fever.  I’ll try them one more time at 9:30 and then go to bed.

I don’t know why I go to bed so early. I guess I just get bored. Then I lay in bed for hours and don’t sleep. Part of it is that J goes to bed and then I feel kind of obliged. I need to think of something to do to occupy myself at night. God knows I have plenty of books to read. I’m about done with “the power of coincidence.” I sort of skimmed/skipped most of the ending because it was getting a little weird. Love, love, love, blah blah blah.  : ) I had a very disturbing dream about my dad last night. But not about him being sick.

Anyway, worrying never helped anything so I’m going to “give the universe an unconditional YES!” as my book would say. Barf. It seems like a lot of really crappy stuff has been happening lately. At work, one coworker’s cat died, another’s father’s cancer returned, then my dad…IT seems things go in cycles… everything’s great for awhile then it all falls apart. Oh well, this is really negative. I think it’s time for bed. Good night. 

Well, J’s been gone for what.. 2 days.. and our little black cat has already switched sides. Here he sits on my lap, a previously foreign and undesirable land, licking himself to contentment. Oh well… guess I should enjoy while I can since J will be home soon. I always thought it was my other cat that the black cat was afriad of offending, but now I know it’s J. Silly cat. Oh, there he goes.

It’s hot here… 90 degrees. : (~ I can’t deal with it. I was doing some cooking, trying to use some of our garden vegetables up but had to take a break and come into the lovely cool air conditioned office. My parents called at 10:30 this morning (I was still in bed… ahhhh) and said they want to come back tonight and sleep here. So I had to cancel the concert anyway. Then I called D, who was supposed to save me a seat there and there were none to be had. Plus, given the weather, I woudl’ve been a big sweaty mess. So it’s probably all for the best. Went to the store and got a bottle of Kendall Jackson Chardonnay for my parents, since they like that, but I’ve already broken into it. Somethign about cooking just makes me feel like I’d have a better time if I had a glass of wine in my hands. Besides, afternoon drinking just seems like such a nice summer weekend thing to do.. .like vacation. Though Chardonnay is not my favorite.

What else? Blog.com seems to have finally fixed the stats. Well, my bachelorette weekend didn’t turn out too great. I did get to sleep in though, and I did have a grilled cheese sandwich for breakfast this morning. : ) Other than that, I’ve been lazy and unproductive and have spent way too much time googling people. The internet can be such a time waster. Oh shit… I still have all that work to do. Ugh… Well, I’ll print everything out so I can say I’ve started it. Then I’ll go make some salsa.  

Sounds like a fun post, huh? I suppose nobody wants to hear more about bird mites. <sniffle sniffle>. They’re back and they’re bad. I have more bites than ever from these filthy mean things. This time I can’t see them as well, but I did find one. On my person. At work. Don’t tell anyone. And I’m purely exhausted since I couldn’t sleep last night, and frankly don’t feel like I’ve had a decent night’s sleep in months. So it all seems worse.

So, I vacuumed the bedroom, took off all the sheets (again) and all the laundry that gets piled up on my rocking chair, turned on the a/c and kicked the cats out. Hopefully with clean sheets and a clean body, I will be able to sleep tonight. If not, there will be vodka involved. And possibly some Tylenol pm’s. Nyquil if absolutely necessary. I am going to sleep. And I am not waking up until the sun is high in the sky tomorrow.  Then I sprayed the porch down with insect killer that’s supposed to work on mites. I hate using that stuff and I feel bad for all the innocent insects that were just minding their business and living their lives. I’m sorry. I truly am.

Work has totally burnt me out. I’ve had this really cool, creative project that I really have a chance to shine on. I’ve been working on it for 2 days and i’m just not happy with it. Not only that, but I”m just not done with it either. And it’s due on Monday. And I think my boss expects a lot. Fuck. If I spent more time actually doing it than fantasizing about how great it was going to be, then maybe I”d be in a better situation. That’s the thing that sucks about things.. you actually have to do them eventually. So I’ll be working this weekend. And I still haven’t even started my freelance stuff that was given to me over a week ago. So that needs to get done too.

D at work invited me to a concert tomorrow night, along with some other people. I didn’t really want to go, but well, you know what they say.. you have to be a friend to have a friend, and all friendships are are shared experiences. It was nice of her to invite me, so I will go. It’s not that I don’t think it will be fun. I’m just pooped. Utterly pooped. Poop poop ee dooped, as betty boop might say. Next is a thorough vacuuming of the office. And I need to get out and run or at least walk to get my 2 days in. I only had one diet coke today. That shit is poison. It’s like crack. I will not let it control me any more. I made this microwave indian dish for “dinner” and it’s freaking burning my mouth it’s so spicey. whaaa. I’m not very happy tonight. 

But… interesting tidbit.. Did you know that studies show that you get more optimistic as you get older? “When shown a series of unpleasant (car accidnets) and cheerful (a pretty sunset) images, people over age 55 paid equal attention to both, while adults under 25 focused more intently on the gloomier shots. As the years go on, you make it through life’s hardships, you gain the freedom to relax, expect good things, and fret less about bad ones.” hmmm. ok. : ) I’ll take it!  Ugh, I need a nap. I must not be old enough yet. It’s not working. 

I always look forward to J going out of town. Not because I don’t like him, just because I need some alone time sometimes. Tonight I got home and within about 5 minutes I’m like… doo dee doo.. ho hum… la dee da… <whistle whistle>. Now what did I want to do all alone again?.. remind me… I guess there’s not really much I can’t do with him here. I feel like I should watch porn or something. I don’t have any of those channels though.. note to self.. order cinemax before next trip. : ) So instead, I’m drinking martinis by myself. Despite the fact that I’m on day 2 of my diet. I should try to burn it off but <gasp!> it’s getting dark outside already… noooooooooo….noooooooo… nooooooo.. here comes winter. soon it will be dark at 4 and I’ll be taking naps on the couch every night before bed.

Anyway… doo de doo… I took some Omego 3 last night. And sure enough I had a dream (they say that helps). actually I’ve been having some good dreams. Not that that much happens in them, but they’re very realistic and they’re the sort of ones that give you that tingle of anticipation in your stomach. I keep forgetting them right after I wake up. I wrote one down this morning… let me read it because I forgot… “Running through neighborhood in my pajamas on Bradley Circle [where I grew up as a teenager] past teenage boys, didn’t care. Felt good, got a rhythm. My sister S was with me, we passed a boat sitting in a square. A big wooden thing, apparently German. There was a social event on board.” oh yeah, this is coming back. What the f it meant, I have no idea! I do remember running though, and it felt so great! hmm… I love dreams.

Here’s one from a few nights ago. “MH [illegible writing]  band, guitar, lyrics posted on a website but he didn’t write them.” That’s a guy I used to work with. He did play guitar. Then, “happy people I used to work with. Dan.” Dan was my boss, who I had some issues with. I don’t remember that one. Must take better notes. Then I had one where I was trying to sneak into the YWCA to take a shower but I didn’t have a memebership card and they caught me. Then they tried to sign me up, and I was late for work and still hadn’t had a shower. 

Well… ok, I’m bored. Must be time to go play the Dr. Zhivago theme on the piano. Somewhere my love! loo dee do do dee do. Could do my freelance work. : (~ nah. hmm. Ok, I’ll go. I’m going, I’m going…  

a big mama. Yep, I hit that big bad number on the scale this morning. You know…the one that makes you go aaaahhhhhhhhhh…ck. Oh well… I won’t go on and on about it, even though I want to. It was the impetus I needed, so here I go. Back on points and exercising. I went for 2 walks today, 1 for 45 minutes and 1 for 30. Niether of them too vigorous. Tomorrow, back to running. I’m just too damn tired today.

I could be imagining things, but I think the bird mites are back. I couldnt’ sleep at all last night because I was itching. I did venture out to the porch the other day for the first time…could they really still be hanging out there? Or am I just going insane? Hard to tell…

My parents have come and gone. They’re pretty painless house guests. But I’ve sort of gotten to the point where I really just don’t want people in my house. I think I’m becoming a recluse, one day at a time. First I hate house guests, next I’ll be ordering groceries for delivery online. But, my new philosophy in life is that everything painful is good for you. The more uncomfortable it makes me, the more I’m going to do it! It’s like a game. Oh, and of course I love my parents. 

I got this cool catalog in the mail yesterday called Title nine. It’s workout gear, but cute stuff. I feel very athletic lately, which is a new feeling for me. I used to workout with my sister when I lived in Virginia, but I was never very into it. With the kayaking though, I feel like I could totally get into it. Now I have to cross train all winter. : ) I figure it will cost me about $2000 to outfitted with a sea kayak and most of the gear I need. I’m diggin’ it! Hopefully I won’t die. 

Have been neglecting piano (will be another painful lesson tomorrow) and my book/research/reading stuff. I feel like I”m about to reach that exhaustion point.  Shit, is it only 8? I may have to go to bed. I was going to bitch about this guy at work, but I really don’t have the energy. Suffice it to say he’s really annoying and his gross sexually explicit conversations with his wife on teh phone are totally uncalled for. I’m not a prude, I just don’t need to know about his sex life. grrrr… ooh! My boss is sending me to a copywriting seminar. Hopefully that’s not a sign that he thinks I’m a shitty copywriter. I’d rather take it that he cares about my professional development. I think it’s in Boston. That should be fun.

I thought I had something exciting to write about.. but maybe that was just a daydream… hard to tell in my current state. Yeah… daydream… it was a good one. I need to write this stuff down. Oh, J is going out of town for a few days. Sounds like a good excuse to sleep till noon on Saturday. : ) sweet, sweet slumber. How I miss you. Please visit me tonight. Or I will die. I have to change the catbox.