Thanks for the fish

My friend A just signed up for an online course about writing a novel! Ack! I can’t let her beat me… Ok, time to refocus! No more thinking about sex all day…must think about my book! I just still don’t know what my damn plot is. Or my theme. Or my purpose. Maybe I should just write dirty stories for playboy and kill 2 birds with one stone? hmm… Or I could write a book about a girl who writes dirty stories for playboy. hmm… yeah… I’ve really gone off track. : (

Went to the gym and did the stair machine. I’m now a giant ball fo sweat. But I feel good. Did I mention last night how I’m going to start loving myself more (no, not that kind of loving myself). You know… accepting my faults and stuff. I spend a lot of time about thinking of everything wrong with me and everything I do that I shouldn’t do. Granted, I could use a bit of improvement but the first step is accepting myself as I am! This morning I woke up with that annoying voice in my head and it was saying something like “why did you have 3 cosmos last night? You are such.. a loser…whaa whaa whaa” and I told that damn voice to SHUT THE F UP! ha! Right now I’m drinking my cosmo with pride. And I had a candy bar today. And 3 cigarettes. And I enjoyed every second of all those things, and that’s the way it is right now. There will time for improvements but we all need some time to just freaking enjoy ourselves sometimes with NO GUILT.

Yeah… so I’m going to try that for awhile. Not too long though or I’ll become a big fat drunk that reeks of cigarette smoke. But I think I’ll try it for a week and then maybe work on some positive changes. Ok, maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to have some fun. : ) hee hee. Well, shit, I’m worth it.

Anyway, I finally finished Animal, Vegetable, Miracle. I will miss it though as I lay in bed in the mornings doing my light therapy and reading about turkey sex. Good book! It almost made me want to start a perfect little family so I could cook with them and teach them important life lessons blah balh. But instead I invited my sister to Maine for thanksgiving and she said yes! Yay! I was really dreading a thanksgiving with just me and j. We’re just not enough to make something fun, as sad as that is. My other sister and her husband have all these rituals and they get into stuff together… I get into cooking and then I call J, then he eats the food, we stare at the wall, and well.. hmm.. “I guess it’s time for bed.” Ok, I don’t really mean that totally. I think at certain times of the month he just irritates the living shit out of me. That would be now. : ( But we do like to compete at online mind training exercises, so that’s something (unfortunately he’s beating me..doh!)

Cosmo #2 coming up! And I’m PERFECT! Just as I am. I love me! Go me! Go me! Go me!

oh my god… I just got home and totally made up a recipe and it kicks ass. yum! I have to write this down before I forget

Garlic sauteed in olive oil
little carrots
celery
red pepper
(didn’t have any onions)
baked a butternut squash till tender (about 40 minutes)
scooped the cook squash in
added Wolfgang puck vegetable broth
chopped kale
a little sage and thyme, pepper
cooked a bit
Topped with sharp cheddar cheese
Holy yum
oh - and sliced sundried tomato chicken sausage
oh - and black eyed peas!

That’s a damn good and hearty soup! I can’t believe I made it up. I need to submit this to some contest. I looooveeee black eyed peas. After tomatoes, they come in as my #2 comfort food (that doesn’t sound right, does it?). I thought aobut putting potatoes in too, but I’m glad I didn’t because it’s already pretty starchy.. don’t think you’d want it any starchier.

Anyway… my young, gay coworker just put a comment on my myspace page (i know… i know.. I’m way too old for myspace) and told me I needed to spice up my profile. His exact quote was “pimp it out!” um. yeah. : ) Not likely. I will distinguish myself by actually having some class. Sort of like, you used to distinguish yourself by having a tattoo… in this day and age, you distinguish yourself by NOT having a tattoo.. that’s me. Ms. Class. With my “what would scooby do” bumper sticker on my beat up subaru. : ) I’ve become quite the local celebrity (in environmental circles anyway) because of that presentation that I almost died over. I even got an email from my local state representative today asking me to do a presentation for the town I live in. Not to be weird, but the people in this town are strange. And they will automatically hate me because I’m “from away.” That’s the term mainers use for “not from around these here parts.” But what the hell, I don’t care. I’ll do my dog and pony show for them if it’ll convince them to buy a CFL and unplug their tv when the’re not watching it. Yeah, I’ll take small town disdain for a part in saving the world. doo dee doo! Here I come to save the day! uh… I need a super hero name… hmm..uhh.. I’ll have to think about that one.

That ex-boyfriend has been emailing me. That’s what I was conflicted about last night. Not in the way you probably think though. I just have some unresolved issues that I need to work on. No feelings for him or anything though. That’s what life is I guess… an endless opportunity for self improvement. : ) Everyone is in my life for a reason. blah blah blah…here I go again! : ) The never ending babble… ugh, I’m stuffed. A visit to the in-laws is over. Mabye I can at least get a free cocktail out of them. Guess I better change out of my paint stained grey sweat pants.

 

tonight. Was dreaming about a pedophile in a movie theater when I woke up this mornign. : ( Went to the gym tonight and there was only one piece of equipment available and it was a stationary bike, which I don’t like. But I did it, and now I’m done.

I’m in that state of mind tonight where I’m so conflicted that I can’t really form a cohesive thought. Nothing major going on…just can’t figure out how I feel about certain things. I tried a new mental technqiue today gained from Dwight Schrute on the office. He said “Before I do something, I think to myself ‘would an idiot do this?’ and if the answer is ‘yes’ I don’t do it” … sounds simple, but not bad advice. I tried that today in 2 different ways. First, when faced with something I normally would be intimidated by, I thought “What would a confident person do?” and tried to act accordingly. I also did “What would a person with self control do?” with much less success? I found I answered the question correctly but then still acted how I wanted to. : ) Oh well.. practice makes perfect. It’s an interesting technique because it sort of takes you out of your usual emotional routine and tries to at least get you to think more objectively about your actions.

Well, I think I’ll go have a hot bath and try to sort out my thoughts. Today was the first really cold day! Holy shit… 7 more months of this till spring. Ouch.

for a sunday. There’s been a murder in my town! I feel like I’m in an episode of Murder She Wrote (remember that one?). A small sleepy New England town… autumn leaves fluttering to the ground…10 police cars, vans, “criminal investigation units”, etc. pulled up beside the river. I actually drove by yesterday and saw the van and wondered what was going on, then forgot to check. I found out at the outlets (they’re about 20 minutes from my house) from the cashier at Anne Klien (bought another great skirt and a pair of pants…but that’s another story) that a woman’s body was found in the river yesterday. They have yet to find out who she is, but she’s in her 20s or 30s. Very disturbing. I thought at first it might be a drowning. Every now and then that happens, but usually in the winter when people are walking on the ice.

Ok, that was really all the news I had. I’m making an apple crumble pie right now. I wonder why I’m gaining weight back. ?? But tomorrow, I’m going to get started on a regular gym schedule. J is super duper motivated so at least I have someone to help get me going. I’ll try for 2 days this week, and I’d also like to start going for walks at lunch time. I’m so sedentary during the day that by the end of the day I feel like my muscles are atrophying. The problem is that now I get more dressed up for work (trying to make a good impression and stuff) and I really don’t like the tennis shoes with skirt look - but who cares, right? Or I guess I could bring something to change in to.

Getting the screens taken out of the windows. It’s so nice to get them out… it seems like so much more light comes through without them. I haven’t gotten them all out yet though. The window boxes are blocking them in, so I have to go outside and take them down, which seems like a big pain. I’ve actually accomplished nothing this weekend.

I have a piano recital coming up on the 19th. Actually November is stacking up with quite a few things. I have a baby shower, a jazz concert (ellis marsalis)… ok, 3 things. : ) WHOA! I don’t really like any of the stuff I’ve been working on. I’m working my way through a Mozart book, which, as much as I like classical music, is boring me to tears. I think I may do a part from “the magic flute” since it’s a little more upbeat than the other stuff I’ve been playing (which is mostly church sounding music). As soon as I get done with that book, I want to do something more fun. Though Xmas season is upon us so I guess I coudl just work on some xmas songs, which I love.

J is on an interesting kick. He’s reading some physics stuff by what’s his name… uh, what’s his name? You know the smart guy with the wheelchair. I don’t want to discourage his learning but he keeps sending me into existential crises. Maybe he hasn’t noticed… Oh well.. cheer for the redskins for me! Miracles can happen.

I had fantasies of catching up on my reading and making cheese today. But instead I actually got a lot done. First, I mopped the basement down with vinegar (still trying to get rid of the cat pee smell). Then I cleaned the upstairs, got the guest room in shape (for no particular reason), went out with J to pay the oil bill (ouch), drop off some food at the humane society (I accidentally got dog food instead of cat food and had already opened it), looked at the kitties, stopped at the salvation army so J could drop off some suits, to the grocery store, and home. I think I’m getting J’s cold..whooping cough is also going around, so I thought chicken soup was in order. Usually I make great chicken soup and dumplings, but for some reason it was a little lacking tonight. Oh well.

Another thing we did during the conference I went to was timed writings. You just sit there and write for 5 or 15 minutes or whatever and write whatever comes to mind. I guess that’s basically what I do here. It’s supposed to help you get “unstuck.” (some would argue that I need the opposite..something to stick me together!) Anyway..that was just a random thought. But I learned some other good techniques too. The one that worked the best was called “play’ (really). We had to think about a hard work problem that we were having trouble solving and then we went through all of these different techniques. For the “play” technique, we were given a pile of materials and had to build something with them. It was fun… we made a flower arrangement out of paper, jelly, pipecleaners, and crayons. And at the end, we had a timed writing, and I got some really good ideas!

I did some of my mind training today. It’s neat because it measures your progress. I also read on yahoo tonight that there is a computer game called “smiles” or something like that that trains your mind to think more positively. You have to find the one smile out of a grid of 14 frowns. Their website was down though..probably too much yahoo traffic.

We have a movie for tonight… apocolypto. I feel like we’ve been watching too many shows and movies lately. I need to finish some books and work on my piano, write an article, etc. etc. etc. I’ve been thinking about money a lot lately. I even had a fantasy yesterday about being with a really rich man. That’s actually very unusual for me. Usually I just think about the cute ones. My ex-coworker told me that I could have my old job and work from home. I’ve probably talked about this before.. it pays a lot better and I’ve been on the fence for months. I know it’s not the right thing for me right now. But I”d get to travel more and for some reason that is appealing to me right now. I’d be bored as hell at that job though. Money money money money..why do you torment me like this? Isn’t it always true that when you get one area of your life worked out, you start to dwell on something else? : )

Oh! I finally bought those cloth grocery bags so I don’t have to use the plastic ones. I’ve been meaning to do that forever. They’re cool… they fold into a little square so they don’t take up much room when you’re not using them. And they’re really big. I’ve seen someone with them every time I go to the store lately. i feel like people have really turned a corner when it comes to envirnomental/health/organic stuff lately. It’s really becomign more mainstream and that’s very heartening to me. It’s sad around here though because people don’t have a lot of money and with the price of heating oil and gas (and people tend to drive long distances here because we’re in the middle of nowhere), I just don’t see how people are going to even make it - much less spend more on healthy, organic food. Then I see our idiotic president spending trillions in iraq and vetoing health care and things that will help us here at home. People are hurting worse than I’ve ever seen in my lifetime. Yeah, we’re a spoiled lot for sure, but some people are really struggling. Anyhoo… whatever.

Had a dream about an eagle last night. I pointed up at the sky and there were people with me and I said “Look! It’s an eagle” then I thought maybe it wasn’t an eagle… I looked more closely, but I can’t remember if in the end it was an eagle or not.

how much you don’t know? My god, man, look around! What the hell is yogurt? How is plastic made? What exactly is paint? and how do they get color in it? How do scissors work even though you never sharpen them? Where does all the trash go? Where do they make all those giant crates that come on boats from china (china probably - now there’s a business americans should get into… at least get a small piece of that pie).

There is just so much to know. I could start with work. I haven’t even perfected my own job. Then what about web design…cascading style sheets… management techniques.. ways to get along with coworkers… how to use my computer applications effectively…

And the world… ok, I won’t even start with that one. And so, overwhelmed by it all, I read the tabloids at the supermarket check out and wonder why Angelina is being such a bitch to Brad. So, this weekend I need a plan:

1. I’m going to read my new copywriting book
2. I need to find a good web design book - looks like my job is going in this direction. I did some of this at my last job, but I had someone I could go to for help if I just couldn’t figure it out. Now I have no one.
3. Continue on with lumosity.com (I typed it wrong last time - this won’t actually teach me anything, but will hopefully help me retain more of what I learn).

I learned an interesting thing at my conference. In Word, you can find out the readability (based on grade level) of stuff you write. For marketing, they say 5th grade is good… I checked my stuff today and it’s 10 -12th grade! I told my boss and he told me not to dumb down my copy. But now I reread it and think it’s really hard to understand. I suck! I’d like to get it down to at least 8th or 9th grade. As my instructor said.. it’s not because people are dumb, it’s because they’re busy. And good copy just seeps into you without you having to think about it.

Ok, that was my attempt at a semi-nonegotistical post. I know it was still about me, but I at least tried to avoid my emotional state for the day (which was pretty good.. doh! sorry). : )

Time to learn some stuff…

tonight. Dinner is fresh bread, Vermont cheddar, and California petite syrah… so french with a twist maybe. My non-local food protest (sans wine) has led to me to drastically simplify my meals.. which works for me! Quick, easy, and simple isn’t so bad.

I have had such a change in my outlook lately. I feel so damn confident lately! I hope it lasts… I had a great day. I semi-led an important meeting, talked to tons of people, and when I went to the grocery store, I didn’t even wonder if the clerks hated me. Well, ok, I still wondered, but I decided I didn’t give a flying rats ass. It’s weird. I guess it’s just all the stuff I’ve been doing lately. See, conquering your fears really does help. It’s amazing how many things your state of mind can change. I feel totally different about people now… I like people I didn’t like before (probably because I felt inferior to them or something) and I could care less about other people that I practically worshipped (probably because I saw in them something that I wanted in myself but didnt’ have). All speculation, but hey, what’s life without self diagnosis?

I was going to write a whole post about how I thought about sex all the time. But now I forgot all the funny parts. Basically all day I compose posts in my head. Some of them are damn funny too.. but then by the end of the day I’m all funnied out and can’t remember any of them and just end up rambling on about absolutely nothing. I have a new crush at work. I just can’t deny it anymore.. I can’t live my life without crushes. They’re innocent enough so I refuse to feel guilty about it. And it gives me a reason to go to work. …very important! I actually had a great day at work today. I told my boss I was remotivated and I got some new projects and I decided that I’m going to do the best at my job, even if people don’t want me to. I’m paid to write and rewrite and if people are offended by my rewrites.. I’m sorry.

I feel like my posts are sort of self centered. I should talk about something other than me. I will cogitate on that and be back with a non self centered post tomorrow!

to be home! I’m one happy girl. : ) Boston was fun.. and fruitful. But I’m a city girl at heart and frankly, I got tired of the noise and the smells and am enjoying being back at my computer in my lovely cottage in the woods with my cosmo in hands and the cats running around like lunatics (and hubby too). : )

I feel like I’ve been very adventuous. I figured out the bus to Boston (not hard, but you know how I get intimidated by everything). Then I got there and I knew I went the wrong way from the bus depot, but I didn’t want to set myself up as a target and drag my map out in the middle of the city, so I just winged it… it was a roundabout way to the hotel, but I got there eventually. And I actually love an excuse to walk around a city at night… it makes me feel so adventurous. So I got there all sweaty and gross and the hotel was really cute. Extremely charming. And extremely L-O-U-D. But first.. the charm. Sooooo cute. And cheap! This is the first non chain hotel I’ve stayed at in years. Hardwood floors, oriental rug, exposed brick walls, historical building, and a queen size sleigh bed (I’ve always wanted one of those!). It felt more like staying in someone’s cool (but small) apartment instead of a hotel. And the windows opened (novel!). Love that! I opened em up and stuck my head out and watched the city life below. Very cool… and great location. But.. as I said, it was goddamn loud. I literally slept about 10 minutes the first night. The second night I had a few beers to send me on my way to never never land (at 8:30) and woke up at 11 to the ever present sound of buses doing there little (big) psssttt… sound. I think there was a bus stop right outside the hotel. And the shower sucked….drizzle drizzle drizzle… I think it took a half hour to rinse the shampoo from my hair. But I still loved the hotel. Harborside Inn… Great location too. Just don’t pay extra for a “city view” as that means you have to listen to the buses all night.

Anyhoo… the conference was good too. About a 15 minute walk from my hotel. The thing with marketing, and especially copywriting, is that there is no science to it. And I’ve heard all this stuff before (well, okay not all of it), but it’s good to be reminded of stuff. And it inspires me. I get discouraged so easily at work, especially wehn I’m bored as shit and havent’ really written anything in weeks (months?). But I go to these things and I realize that I have to communicate better with my boss and my coworkers and make it work, and make our marketing successful because that’s my job! I may only be one small piece of it, but if I’m not vested in the outcome than I’m just one more chink in an armour that’s useless (hmm.. funny analogy…not sure where I came up with that one… :  0 ) So, starting tomorrow, I’m going to be on my game! Oh… get this… I actually networked! I went to dinner with a girl I met (and lunch). I joked around, it was really fun! I’ve totally underestimated the power (and fun) of being social and stuff. I’m a lone wolf by nature. I’m usually the one person in the group who doesn’t fit in, so hey, I’m making major progress. And besides, it’s nice to talk to people about their work environment and understand that people have the same challenges and stuff. Good stuff.

I’ve realized lately that the more I put myself out there, the better. Like the presentation I did… I don’t think I ever got into what it was about… it was basically about how the average citizen can make small changes around their home to save energy and do a small part in preventing global warming. I’m no expert, but I joined a state run program that gives you advice and I’ve had significant changes in my electric bill and I also switched to a power source that is renewable (a hydro electric dam). Now I want to see this program succeed because I invested time (and agony) into the presentation I did. So I offered to write a newspaper article for a local free newspaper and I’ve even volunteered to do some local presentations to people in my town. This is stuff I would have never dreamed of doing before, but it makes me feel good because I feel like I’m doing a small part to make a difference, and I’m pushing myself to do things that are uncomfortable - which I think is the only way you can grow. It’s so easy, especially in our culture - to just be comfortable all the time. And the smallest things make us uncomfortable because life is so damn easy! I know.. I’m rambling big time. I’m on my second cosmo and first sleeve of saltines.. What the hell am I talking about, I have no idea.

So to wrap up… I don’t know how people live in the city. It’s fun to visit, but I sure couldn’t live there. Too many people, too many smells, oh! One more thing. OK…I’ve gotten bamboozled by shysters in about every city in the country. I’ve had “homeless” guys tell me stories on 20th and K Sts. in DC and I’ve given them money to have the same assholes ask me for money 30 minutes later on 23rd and M, with a different story and not even remembering that I already gave them $5. But the WORST are the white guys who try to hit you up for $20 a pop. I don’t know that I’ve ever fallen for it, but I’ve had plenty of people try and they are all very indignant when you refuse. I had this happen in Toronto. Then in Fort Lauderdale a guy got belligerant with J because he didn’t fall for his stupid story. Usually it has something to do with a transportation issue and they’re fairly well dressed. What pisses me off is that these people are not homeless…they’re just fucking shysters who prey on people who are good hearted and feel bad for them. They position themselves as the opposite of homeless people… look I’m an everyday joe and this could happen to you.. wouldn’t you want someone to help you… Except this has happened to me too many times and I can peg them a mile away. So this guy comes up to me with his bullshit story as I’m sitting outside the bus depot (after walking 15 blocks, sweaty as hell and in no damn mood for being played a fool), and I just brush him off with “I don’t have any money” he goes on again “I have no cash” and he goes on this rant about how people in Boston suck and that’s why he lives on the Cape. And what I hate about it is that even though I know he’s a shyster, I still feel bad about myself.. it’s their psychological trick to make you cave. But he left. And I’m still pissed. Get a fucking job dude and stop bothering tourists with your inane stories.

Ok. : ) That’s all. Good night!

workout at the gym. I’ve been working in the garden practically all day. My body is aching, I have dirt crusted under my fingernails, cuts all over me… I love it! It is an absolutely perfect day…must be close to 70 and not a cloud in the sky. It’s the kind of day where if you’re feeling blue, you look around and think “what the f is wrong with me? It’s too pretty to be sad.”

I got about 30 more daffodils planted. Put some in the rose garden, a few in the wildflower garden. I decided not to move my butterfly bush. It’s in my rose garden and has taken over about half the space. So I was going to move it, but it looked so darn happy there, and who am I to take away someone else’s happiness? So I just moved my little pink rose over so it could get some sun, and then planted my 2 new roses. They’re both red. So I have 4 red roses and 1 pink. It’s hard to find anything other than red, unless you go into hybrid tea territory, but then I’d have to bury them every winter, and that’s too much work. Then I weeded and mulched, so one bed looks perfect. : ) Here’s a picture.

Sidways… hmm.. well that doesn’t give you a great idea, but trust me, it looks good.

Here’s my adorable new birdbath.

In my mess of a weed garden. Oh well..

And my front step with my asters and pansies (and indian corn on the door… nice touch, eh?)

Not a great picture either. hmm.

Anyway… I’m exhausted. Now I’m making squash stuffed with wild and basmatic rice and cheese. I made scones this morning. I’m going to weigh 200 pounds soon. Started “Hero with 1,000 faces” again this morning. I’m sort of on hiatis from my book right now. I need to percolate some more. I’m just not sure where to go, so I thought I’d do some more reading and see what happens. I’m also still reading “animal vegetable miracle” and “The Devil and Miss Prym” by Paulo Coelho.

Off to Boston tomorrow! Now I’m excited. It’s nice to be out in the world by yourself sometimes. It’s sort of liberating. I need to pack. Besides, I’m going to a copywriting conference so maybe I’ll learn some new stuff. : ) Yuk… I have dirt all over me, even under my clothes. I think it’s time for a shower. Oh! Since I’m on my new mind training kick, I dug out my Go board. Now I just need to figure out how to play and teach J.  I’m going to be so smart by the end of the winter!