Thanks for the fish

so emotionally unavailable? Why? I mean, it’s not like I want to sit around and talk about my emotions all the fucking time or anything, but god…they are such conflict avoiders. People just can’t communicate. I used to think it was me, but it’s not. I mean, it’s me too. But then I try to be honest and open and people hate it!! I think I have a book called “Emotional Intelligence” around here somewhere and I’m going to read it because I honestly don’t know if I’m the weird, if everyone else is maladjusted or what. Anyway. Whatever. I feel pretty good today. I wrote a song. For me, that’s probably the best way to go. I see why Patty and Lucinda became songwriters. Because no men would listen to them. My song is called “Shooting stars in a dark field.” I have the lyrics, but I dont’ have the melody and stuff. I’ll work on that tongiht. It’s Friday!! Getting my hair cut tomorrow…badly needed. It’s a big frizz ball. And taking the cats to the vet.

I ordered 2 dresses from nordstrom.com for my work holiday party.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2943519/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=3

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2952494/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=19

Love em! Buying dresses makes me happy. Jesus I’m tired.

back in the zone tonight! The drunken blogging zone. I haven’t had multiple martinis in ages (weeks?) and tonight just felt like a good night to get shit faced for no good reason. : ) yay!

My friend A is so awesome. I’m going to talk about her for awhile. I met her at my very first job out of college and I worked at this crappy telecommunications publishing company in washington DC. She started about 6 months after me and she was skinny and well dressed and polite so naturally I thought “jeez, what a bitch!” By the way, I’m famous for being way off mark on my first impressions. She become best friends with this Philipino girl M, and I was best friends with this girl M. (this initial thing gets hard sometimes.. ok, fine, my friend’s name was Michelle, who I still sort of keep in contact with). And I had a few other friends too who I was really close to. It was a fun place to work except the work SUCKED!

Anyway, we were on casual speaking terms despite huge idealogical differences (common theme with most of my friends). She was sort of brought up wealthy and priveledged. I’m a bit of a down home kinda gal. She hung a mirror on her cubicle wall and I thought that was way over the top. But my “good friends” ended up leaving and I ended up in this weird sexual harassmen thing and the company was a complete old boys club so of course they did nothing. And I had just gotten out of a bad relationship ….time lapse…was on the phone with my friend J…aww…feelin’ the love!… what was I talking about… I’m hammered.

Oh yeah, so we bonded in the last few months I was there, and she just always gave the best advice and said what I wanted to hear. she’s a great friend. she is the one I trust most about important matters like my career (though I can’t talk to her about my love life, because I’m too screwed up for her). Today, she told me that yes men get paid more than women and that’s because they negotiate! and women are like “oh sure ok, that’s fine. that’s not what I wanted but whatever.” So true… women have so much guilt and are sort of conditioned to make do with what they are given, which is a good trait, but not when it comes to salaries.

Why am I bringing up salaries, you ask? Because I had a rather heated discussion today with a company who may or may not want to hire me after I very firmly told them that they could kiss my ass if they didn’t give me what I wanted. I’m almost hoping they won’t give me what I want, because I also love my friend D at work. : ) Girlfriends…who woul’dve thought they’d be so fantastic. : )

Anyhoo… la la la la la… trashed off of 2 martinis… my head feels funny. I ordered a book from Amazon.com called “The Power of Now” . Yeah… I know…cheese city. But I need shit like this. I totally live in the past and the future and anytime but now (like fantasyland, my constant companion). I need to stop that shit and start embrassing the NOW.. yeah….

time of the year… Christmas is great… one present for you, two for me, one for you, three for me… I just get all into shopping and spend way more time in stores than usual, then I realize all the stuff I rilly rilly need! For instance, went to borders tonight and bought:

1 book for my nephew called “Titus Tidewater”. Very cute watercolor illustration. It’s about a lobster. : )
1 book for me, which I’ve wanted for a while called “Finding Flow” by Mihaly Csikszentmihlalyi (say that one time fast). I’ve heard of this guy… it’s basically about flow - like when you get caught up in stuff that interests you - non passive stuff, and how people who have a lot of flow in their lives are generally happier.
1 more book for me - brilliant marketing by borders - I had to buy a $20 book to get 40% off, so I somewhat randomly chose “The Moon: Myth and Image.” Oh hell… good research for…uh… something or other. tee hee. I’ve got a thing about the moon, so this looked pretty faskinatin’.

My new favorite winter drink: hot apple cider with rum! yum! it rhymes! ta dum!

Mental state: changes by the minute. Will I ever become sane? Is sanity a myth? An unattainable goal? Maybe. (I feel like Lorne Greene should be saying that, like at the end of a Battlestar Gallactica episode).

Career prospects: quite good.

Christmas shopping: hmm… half done?

Christmas plans: almost complete. Looking forward to seeing lots of old friends.

Vat else? People drive me nuts, but that goes without saying.

Oh well… I need to practice my mozart.

I picked up a copy of Psychology Today as an impulse buy at whole foods yesterday at lunch as I was getting my shepherds pie, corn, fried Indian vegetable fritters and more from the comfort food station. There were several stories that looked irresistible to me, including one about dreams. This is the new theory about what dreams are and ohmigod I’m totally buying into it.
Dreams are essentially dress rehearsals for life They found this out by not letting rats dream. They could sleep, just not dream and the rats the next day could barely function. The theory is that the rats do what they have to do while they’re dreaming so they’re ready for the next day. They also studied an Amazon tribe and found that the tribe dreamed about survival skills, such as killing prey or escaping from wild animals. This makes sense – I dream about running away from coyotes and owls (and I DO live in the woods where there are these animals), plus the dreams I have where I’m going for something bigger…maybe that’s a dress rehearsal for something more profound. So I lay in bed last night in that half asleep state and thought “ok, let’s train!” and I’d wake up after every dream and think “yeah, totally.” I dream about driving on icy roads – perhaps it’s NOT a sign that I’m afraid…just a sign that I need to practice it a little more while I’m sleeping. When you have a traumatic event – you dream about it over and over to prepare yourself for what to do if it happens again! Holy freaking epiphany.
You know what else I’ve realized? I really really need to go into therapy.

Day 2 without diet coke and I feel like crap. Maybe I’m just getting sick. I think people are starting to notice that I’m grumpy all the time. I’ve turned into a curmodgeon. : ( But as the wise old adage goes…just because I’m moody doesn’t mean that you’re not irritating. Hiss!

But just because I’m grumpy doesn’t mean I can’t have insightful moments to my day. I’ve long known I’m a conflict avoider and that my personal relationships have not flourished because I don’t like having emotional conversations. i’m a highly emotional person, but I really don’t like talking about my feelings. I prefer to bottle them up and then when I can’t take it anymore, I let them explode. Usually the explosion culminates in quitting a job, ending a relationship, or else, in the case of my marriage, my husband ignoring me and telling me to get a life (which works for us).

However, in the past, there have been people that have hurt me and I’ve always avoiding doing that whole thing where I act hurt and needy because I didn’t want to look like the pathetic, needy female (even though I was feeling like a pathetic, needy female). The problem with that is that I then bottle up my feelings and dwell on things for years, if not decades, which is not good for my emotional health. So, you know the story of the ex-boyfriend. I’ve been communicating with him lately, on and off, and I like him. He’s interesting. But the fact is that he really hurt me a long time ago and I never really told him that. I wanted to be strong so he’d never have the satisfaction of knowing that he broke my heart. So he contacts me out of the blue and I’m cool with that, joking around, la la la. Well, you know what. Fuck that. Some weird synchronicitous things have happened relating to him and I was up half the night thinking about what it meant. I’ve decided that he has come back into my life for one reason: to stop the bullshit and learn how to express my emotions. So I listened to the omens and I took the opportunity to say - kindly and maturly (sort of) that he really hurt me a long time ago and that I have forgiven him. Now, I know men, and I know this is going to go over like a ton of bricks, but I don’t care. Oh, mom’s on the phone.

Have had no diet coke or alcohol today… so needless to say I’m not feeling like myself. I did have 2 diet ice teas though. Boy am I tired. Had my recital tonight and it was fine. It’s cute to watch the kids. They all have their little personalities…some are super confident and others are shy, and some are just damn talented. Especially those ones that wear the coffee filters on their heads. I’m glad to be done with that song and start on something new.

The other day me and J were doing the tango in the dining room and I had asked J to dip me and he almost dropped me on my head. I’m a horrible dancer. I’m not sure about J but I suspect he isn’t too bad. Today my friend at work was talking about taking lessons for her wedding and asked if we wanted to do it with her. To my surprise, J said yes. That’s on my list of things to try, so what the hey. I would like to try some sexy latin dances. I have no rhythm but I sure can shake my hips, so I might as well make use of that skill. Fun! (I sort of forced that explanation mark.. I really don’t have enough energy to be using one, but “fun” without it seemed kind of lame).

What else? Saw the movie “Ray”last night. It was interesting but for some reason I find these biographies a bit disturbing. In the balance of light and dark, fiction seems to have more light. Fiction follows the curve… beginning starts good, then the middle gets a bit hairy, the beginning of the end is the bottom, then it all gets worked out. The real stories seem to be shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty good great shitty. And all the men cheap on the women and treat ‘em like crap. No wonder I read so much fiction. Gives me a reprise from reality. Actually in Hero with 1000 Faces Campbell talks about this and how its’ not naive to like fiction but the happy ending is a mythic expression of our better selves or some shit like that. : ) I’m intrigued by that idea, because I don’t like the idea of just denying reality… like sitting in front of the boob toob blocking out the pain of existence. What the hell am I rambling about?

Thanksgiving dinner is planned - chicken, whipped sweet potatoes, pumpkin lasagna (sister is vegetarian), cranberry upside down cake, something green, and whatever free pie I get at work tomorrow (if it lasts that long).

1 minute till bedtime! 5-4-3-2-…….1! Good night!

I’ve been sleeping all day. Fell asleep on the couch after lunch and kept falling out of and back into the same dream (which I can’t remember now). so sleepy. Spent most of yesterday driving to/from a baby shower. It was nice of them to invite me, but I can only make small talk with people I don’t know for so long and eventually came up with an excuse to leave before dinner. On the way there I almost hit a large animal that at first I thought was a deer, but now i”m starting to think it may have been a juvenile male moose. Not sure though…the sun was in my eyes. It’s lucky I saw it at all.

Feeling a bit under the weather and I have work to do today because I left work early on Friday. ONly 3 days of work this week though. Yay! Oh, so get this… I finally had “the talk” with J about why he didn’t want me to take that job. Here are teh top reasons 1) He’s afraid I’d nap all day 2) He’s afraid I’d drink all day 3) He’s afraid he’d be resentful that I was napping and drinking all day! I was like, “are you for real?” Oh my god. If I was really as bad as he thinks I am, I’d be shocked if a company really wanted me that bad! Lordy lordy. I’d be shocked I could hold down a job actually. Or even get through life. But whatever… : ) Men. One day they’ll stop underestimating me. Probably the day I start making more money than them.

I’ve written 4,205 words in my book! Writing pretty consistently though not technically every day. It’s fun. To keep me focused I’m reading Hero with 1000 Faces and I realize that my plot does generally follow the archetypal journey (who knew?). I’m a little concerned that the archetypal journey as Campbell lays it out is too male centered, but I’m not sure how to fix that. Obviously my hero is a woman, so I’ll have to figure it out. I was looking at a book about this last week at Borders and it recommended a few books - there is one called the Heroine’s journey or something like that. It also recommended one called “Women who run with the wolves” which by synchronicity I happen to have - picked it up for free outside the grocery store one day last spring. But rather than read read read before I write. I’m writing and reading and can go back and change things if necessary. First I’ll just get down the plot.

We went to Home Depot earlier and I almost puked from testosterone overload. Men get on my nerves with their leering. What gives them the right to look at women like they own us? Guess I woke up from my nappy poo a touch grumpy. Bastards! I mean it would be ok if they were handsome, but otherwise, keep those eyes on your shoelaces, boys!

Sorry, that was mean. I broke my reocrd at Word bubbles today. J was mad since he still hadn’t beaten my old record. Now he spends all day every day trying to beat me. It’s sad. We’re trying to save money on heating oil so I’m sitting here in my parka. I think I need to get my acorn slipper socks for my feet though. Then I guess I’ll work on my book now that I’m all warmed up and almost out of my hypnopompic state.

it’s 4:39 and pitch dark outside. sigh… It’s been raining and storming for 2 days and nights. And I don’t feel well. I had a flu shot on tuesday and now I feel like I’m getting the flu. hmm… for some odd reason I thought the flu shot was supposed to NOT give you the flu. I guess I’m confused.

I’ve been a total bitch all week. I just can’t control it. I’ve snapped at my coworkers. People I normally like are driving me up the freaking wall with their denseness. aRRRGGHH. My parents left this morning. It was getting a little ugly. I had a little too much to drink (my mom loves that!) and went on and on about how they weren’t serious about getting a house up here. They love it when J gives them a hard time, but god forbid I say anything. ACtually you’d think I didn’t even exist. ahh family. Next week is my sister. She’s fun though. We’ll have a good time. And I only have to work 3 days.

The thing that annoys me about my coworkers is that they are such rule followers. I like thinking of new ideas and trying to be logical about thinigs. I swear the only thing that comes out of their mouth is “I think what K (our boss) wanted was this… ” We have brains kids. And we’re allowed to use them! Yes! It’s true. Frustrating. Work is suddenly just the most frustrating thing in the world, and I can’t imagine that it suddenly became that way. I’ve just suddenly noticed. But then I found out the range for the other job, and the low point is not much higher than I’m making and I know they are going to low ball me. I fully intend to negotiate (as I have my doubts anyway so who cares if I don’t get it). The perfect bargainign position.

I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow… about 2 hours away from my house. : ( I like the girl, I do. But I’d really rather not do this. But I guess that’s what friends do… suffer for each other. Plus I doubt I’ll know anyone else there. Oh well…whatever.. suck it up!

Piano recital on monday and I’m not prepared and don’t really care. Did I really used to get stressed about these things?

Ok… I found out where my fear of life comes from. My mother. When I lived in DC and was learning how to drive, I developed this fear of the beltway, which is the highway that circles DC. It is kind of scary. People drive like idiots and way too fast, in whatever lane they want to (actually I didn’t even realize there were actual rules about lanes until I moved to Maine - seriously). But eventually I realized that my mother put that fear into me. She’s scared of everything. And yet she loves taking the greyhound bus by herself all over the country. Complicated woman. Very very very complicated! (read: “crazy”) .

OH well… I haven’t written in my book in 3 days so i better put some words in.

So I have officially applied for the work-from-home job I’ve been talking about forever. It was a tough decision, but it’s really the only rational thing to do. In the current economic climate and with the price of gas and the price of heating oil, it would be irresponsible of me to turn down a big pay raise for intangible reasons like social interaction. Ok, I still have some doubts. But my job is driving me nuts anyway. J didn’t want me to take it and we had a big fight over it (big for us anyway) so I’ve been a bit upset the last few days. I think having my parents here has put an even bigger strain on an already emotionally-charged situation. Plus I’ve had pms for 3 weeks.

 

Oh well. I guess we don’t always know if what we’re doing is the right thing. But I can’t let it stop me from trying things out and trying to make my life better. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll do something else. No big deal. I think basically I’m upset because I feel disloyal and guilty – to whom I’m not sure. Myself? J? My coworkers? My boss? And I feel like a bit of a quitter. But looking at it logically, my current job isn’t bringing me satisfaction (other than I like the people). More money is a good thing. More time is a good thing. How many times have I been through this? I feel like maybe I should listen to my heart, but my heart is being totally illogical, so I’m just going to ignore it and hope for the best. : )

 

Dreams
Woke up from this one screaming. Was in a church where I didn’t belong and sat down on a chair as a woman I work with began to do a demonstration about spirits in the church. The spirit (invisible) picked me up into the air, in my chair and threw me around the room. Then a black sheep was being sheared. There was also a part where I was in Virginia having lunch with myself.

 

Last night there was something about a pink bathing suit and waves and a room in a hotel where they gave out free beer to special guests like me. Someone asked if they should be jealous and I said “no, it’s just free beer and a place to sit.”

where the day went. I was even up early this morning. I had the day off, all to myself and poof, it’s getting dark. My parents arrived last night, went to look at the house today and claimed they liked it. I’m not getting involved. Now they’re coming back for the night and I get to listen to all the possible alarmist reasons they shouldn’t by the house. koo koo.

Anyhoo, I’ve spent most of the day staring into space and thinking about my future. What to do what to do. What are my goals? What am I doing? Where am I going? Is this a midlife crisis? Or did I just have too much time to think about things today? sigh… My friend H called earlier trying to talk me into taking this job with my old company (yes, the same job I’ve been moaning about for about 3 months now). I’m seriously thinking about taking it. I just can’t seem to make a definite decision. It would allow me to travel more, and I’m feeling the need to get away a bit. Just to be a bit more independent. And I have to admit, work is really driving me nuts lately, so if I’m not going to enjoy my job, I might as well get paid better. Plus, I feel like a complete peon at work. I don’t like that feeling. I need more control of my projects. I am a control freak, why fight it? Fuck… I don’t know. I’d have a lot more time to work on my book. And more vacation. Free trips around the country. Hotel and airline points. And I’d be a “manager” again. I have too much pride. It’s sick.

Well, I’ll see how work goes tomorrow. Yeah, I’ll base my entire future on whether my coworkers and boss are nice to me tomorrow. : ) Good plan!

I want to buy a rental property. Everybody tells me it’s a bad idea, but I just feel like I need some financial security all my own. Not my piddly retirement money. Not J’s money. Just something for me. Some secure income coming in. Someone told me that around here you can make 50K on an apartment building per year. That’s a lot of money. I could have it paid off within years and then just collect the rent. I know it’s a lot of hassle, but I don’t mind that kind of thing and I’m a pretty good judge of character. hmm… Of course I have no idea what I’m doing. Maybe they have a class or something I could take. hmm.

I guess basically, I just want a change. I feel like I’ve been coasting for a while and just need to switch things up a bit. I need a project or something. I feel kind of like a loser lately. Like I have nothing going on. I want to be impressive. sigh… ahh discontment, oh how i’ve missed you. I’m going to work on my book for a few minutes. I’m aiming for 600 words or so a day.