Thanks for the fish

It seems winter is made for making lists and getting organized. I’m back in OCD mode. I have a Palm that I carry around in a pretty little red leather case that comes with a little pad of paper and I scribble lists on it, usually when I’m at work. Things like “things to buy,” “Good things,” “Things I like about J (for when I get mad at him and need a reminder)”, “things I’m proud of (for when I’m feeling like a loser)”, “things I need to work on” etc. etc. Today I typed them all up and synched up my palm so now I have all those very very very important things electronically. I also balanced my checkbook, which I never do. And other things like that.

 I sort of feel like I’m entering a new bitchy phase of my life. I’ve always been pretty bitchy, but it goes in different ways. I’m one of those people who find it really hard to say “no” in certain situations. Especially with my family. I want everyone to be happy and never to feel left out or anything like that. So I agree to do things I don’t want to do and even though 3 different family members have different plans at the same time, I agree to them all and let the chips fall where they may. But this fall, I realized that my family needs serious help with their communications, so I decided to take charge. This Christmas, I decided that I’m just going to tell the truth –with as much kindness as possible, and to remain as independent as possible. The problem when you give in to people is that then you get bitter and grumpy and then nobody has a good time anyway.

 So my parents have been in the area for a few days, but every day they’re not sure where they’ll be. And in the past I would have waited home in case they called, and then gotten mad when they didn’t show up and scream to J “do they think my life revolves around them??” This time, they called and told them they were welcome to come stay with us tonight but we may have plans and if we’re not here I’ll leave a key under the mat. Voila. It sounds simple, yet it’s taken me so long to figure this out. Honesty. Ha! Who woulda thunkit.

 I also feel like I’m in this constant power struggle with J. And I can’t figure out if he’s always been so damn bossy and I just never noticed, or it’s a new thing. So I find myself doing these sort of passive aggressive things. But again, all it takes is a mature outlook to correct the situation. I’ve just let myself be too passive in the past. I’m starting to learn to just do things the way I want to, even if he “recommends” I do it differently. It’s funny because I’ve gone my whole life thinking that I’m the type of person who doesn’t conform and who does things the way I want to. Yet now I’m realizing that I’m not really like that at all. But I will be! It’s much more fun and causes a lot less anger. And Christ… everybody else is out for themselves..why would their opinion be more important than mine? We’re all equals, right? And it’s my goddamn life. I used to yell at J “don’t’ tell me what to do!” which could’ve just had a big ol “whaaa” tacked onto it, which I’m sure wasn’t helping my case any. Now I just calmly look at him with a pitying look and then do what I was planning to do in the first place. Power can’t be taken, it can only be given. I don’t think men can really help it though. That’s the way they’re raised. To believe that they are the best and that they are the first priority. One more generation and we can breed that right out of them, I’m convinced.

 Got my first seed catalog today. Burpee! I also got my xm radio set up online. I’ve done all this work to get my home office set up and still no damn job offer. Oh well. Tonight is dinner with my parents (if they actually show up) and then we’re off to friends to watch football and drink beer. J I took the Christmas tree down and was looking at the ornaments and I thought about all the memories from the ornaments. For a split second I thought I could commit to J for the rest of my life. I mean, at a certain point you have so much shared history that it just seems damn sad to even think about letting it go. But then my cynical mind kicked in and I thought I’d finally really psychologically commit and then 10 years later I’ll be old and haggard and he’ll be 43, which is the age that men get to when they are absolutely irresitible to younger women. Then he’ll leave me for some skanky 33 year old. : ) I’m calling that one right now! I always think preparation will help, but it doesn’t so I really shouldn’t bother. It hurts just as much, so no point getting upset about what will happen 10-12 years from now. I’m going to give him a dirty look right now. You bastard! He’s laughing at me. He thinks I’m talking about Sean Penn  (his hero).

 

holidays still. I guess it still is. It’s going to be one hard thing to get used to going to work 5 days a week again, but not until the week after next, and hopefully I’ll have a new job by then. No news on the job front, but I still have high hopes. Or hopes anyway. Ambiguous hopes, but they’ve solidified into expectations, so now I’m vested. PLus the roads have been so horrendous with this crappy weather that I’m really damn tired of driving 80 miles a day fearing for my life the whole way.

Got home and J had unhooked my monitor so couldnt’ poop around my computer all night like I usually do, so I popped in  a dvd - Something’s  Gotta Give. I just love that movie. There are so many great things about it that I could just watch it over and over again. I’ve probably already written all this before and fairly recently at that. But I love that Diane Keaton’s character is a writer. And I love the fact that Keanu’s character falls in love with her and says “I’ve never had this reaction to a woman before. And when something happens to you that’s never happened before, you have to at least find out what it is.” And I love that her character and Jack Nicholoson’s character say the same thing too. They’ve all protected themselves from getting hurt their whole lives but they finally open up and get hurt. And then she tells her daughter that it’s all worth it in the end. I know it’s cheesy for me to be rambling on and on about a love story, but to me, that one is real. Except maybe the happy ending. Not to be negative. I also love how she is so honest about her feelings even though she comes off like a psycho. I wish I was that brave and not always thinking about that everytime I express an emotion men think I’m crazy (which is true - not that I’m crazy but that’s what men think). And I love that she just doesn’t care, and then she writes about it and she gets through it and moves on. And even though she never really gets over him, she still moves on. And I think it’s true. It hurts like f-ing hell, but it’s worth through, because if nothing else it’s good material for your writing. : )

J’s watching The Cosmos - a dvd set I got him for xmas. It’s hosted by Carl Sagan, who I hear died quite a while ago. I had heard his name before but never really knew who he was. He’s totally adorable. So excited about the universe, and it’s from the 70s so he’s wearing these cute little pant suits. Now J’s giving me facts about the solar system. Venus is the same size as the earth. Jupiter is so big you could fit 100 earths in it. Nerds are so adorable! I had an eye appointment and my eye doctor is another adorable nerd. He’s a fresh faced farm boy from Indiana and we always have great conversations. I told him about Quebecois sugar pie and he told me that in Indiana they have sugar cream pie, which I’ve never heard of but sounds tasty.
 
I got a $25 borders gift card so I bought Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I put this on my list because it was recommended by someone - but I had my reservations. I’ve never read anything by him before and for some reason I thought it was going to be some hideous, dense, complicated crap like Thomas Pynchon or something. But it’s not! It’s awesome. It’s funny and quirky and smart and wonderful. I absolutely love it! I also bought Man without a country, which I started reading at the store and love that too. What a great discvoery.

Well, tomororw is Saturday. I’m excited to sleep in. Yes, excited. I’m still tired from the road trip. My parents are here and may stay tomorrow night but we’re gonig over to F&A’s house to watch the Skins game. F is a cowboys fan and the redskins will get into the playoffs if they win. : ) Conflict! Just add booze and I see a fun night ahead of me. We haven’t seen them in a while, and if I”m going to be working from home I need to start nurturing some local frienships. Besides I want to ask A if she wants to start a writing group with me. Yes, this has the makings of many propositions I make when I’m drunk which never materialize. Like our plans to go the quebec winter carnival. (which may have happened if J had got off his ass and mailed his damn passport application). oh well. ; ) whatever. Havent’ written in weeks. Thinking about buying a new laptop. Maybe a pretty red one. ooh lookit the purdy colors!! gimme!