Thanks for the fish

Ok, sorry about that. I’m all by myself down in the woods and it’s so dark and I start hearing things. Tee hee. I kicked the cats out and locked the bedroom door last night… ah memories of being a bachelorette. The worst part is that I was as scared of ghosts than intruders. Funny how my mind can freak out when I’m alone. I’ve read something about that before. But things kept moving by themselves. I have a bobblehead dog on my desk and he suddenly started nodding vigorously. Then I was in the bathroom and the TP on the dispenser started blowing. I know.. koo koo!
Anyhoo, so my writing group last night was so awesome. I loved it. We had two writing exercises and then we all read them out loud and commented on them. It was a little stressful and I was embarrassed because I thought mine sucked, but the whole point is to get rid of that fear, so I sucked it up and read mine. I’m also a horrible reader and my voice starts cracking and stuff, but I think it worked in my favor because then everyone pitied me and was super nice. It’s also good to have some good role models so I can learn from them. I think I did pretty good on descriptions and feelings, but not so hot on plot – my recurring problem. I should just be one of those post modern writers and to hell with the damn plot! Ha. There were two older women (probably 50s/60s – I’m horrible with ages), one woman in her 80s who was just so sweet and wonderful, one woman probably in her 40s who is a musician and some sort of minister (I’m guessing some sort of gay/lesbian type thing – whatever I mean by that), she wasn’t really a writer but came because she wants to be a better writer – the rest were sort of aspiring writers like me (but further along I would guess in their development). Who else? A man in his 50s? 60s? Seemed like a real nice, quiet sort of guy. And a guy probably in his 40s/50s, who I already have a crush on. He’s a banjo player too. Uh oh.
It was pretty interesting because sharing my writing is a totally personal thing for me. I can do it fine at work and now can even sort of take criticism (sort of being the key phrase), but I’ve never shared any fiction with anyone before because I think it’s sort of a silly thing to do. But it was very cool. The leader was very laid back and quiet and kind of just let the group do its own thing. I really wanted to back out of it but I’m so glad I went. God, I’m getting so gutsy lately! Next I’ll be out there learning to swim and stuff. Yippee!

and waiting for the hubby to call. Doesn’t he know that 9:22 is waaaayyyy past my bedtime? zzzzzz…bonk! Well, I had my writing class tonight and loved it loved it loved it! The people were sooooo lovely and wonderful and it was just the greatest thing. Ok, I’m scared shitless in my own house. I keep hearing things. : ( I hate it when J leaves town. If I don’t post again, know that I’ve been killed by an intruder. Must go hide in the bedroom! bye!

monday. I feel ill. Went to the gym and felt like I was having a heart attack. : (~ But I went. Did 20 minutes on the elliptical machine and some weights on my legs. Maybe it didn’t help that I had a martini before I went and hardly any food. And the food I did had was spicy indian food. Yeah… these things always seem like a good idea at the time.

Oh well. My first ww weigh in is tomorrow. Wish me luck! I think I’ve lost at least a solid 2 or 3 pounds. I’ve been slacking off a bit but still feel hungry all the time, so that must be a good sign.

J’s going to Florida for the rest of the week for a conference. I’ll probably be lonely and won’t be able to sleep, but what can you do? I  have my writing class tomorrow and I’m going to the gym Wednesday, then piano Thursday, so I guess I’ll keep myself busy. The key is not to get hammered every night and eat all the leftover fudge. : )

Got The Maltese Falcon book in the mail from bookmooch today. I’m really happy with my decision to not buy any books this year. I’ll be glad to get through all the books I have. I’ll also be glad when I finish my novel, though that may not be for several years. I’d like to work on other projects, like finishing the quilt I started before I moved from VA 3 years ago. Or ripping the ugly lighting fixture out of the downstairs bathroom, or finally painting the stairwell to the basement (it’s currently still bare dry wall).

I looked up at the sky tonight… it’s one of those crisp clear nights and I saw a question mark! I guess it was actually the big dipper. : ) But boy did it look like a question mark. How many lessons do you think there are in life? And how many times do you have to learn each one? I’d like to write a song about each one…then I could really call them done. It seems like you need something final like that..you know.. .as proof. It just seems so dumb to do each one over. But I forget what they all are. It’s like I have epiphanies and then poof! what was I thinking? Dreaming like a crazy person lately. Not all bad.. .bud weird and vivid. I don’t know where I come up with this stuff. Well, off to bed I go. I’m bushed.

and simplifying mood. God, even this blog is a mess!! Acckk! Look at all these tags. Maybe I just start over and try to stay a little more organized. There should be no more than 10 tags, like:

Books and writing
Music
Friends and Family
Gardening
Fun
Spirituality/psychology, etc.
Food and drink
Goals

But I have too much to do so can’t create a new blog today. I was also thinking I could do one about the restaurants we’ve been trying. We’ve been going out every Friday night and trying a new place each time. Some people actually make money on blogs, you know. I could use some money. But I have too much going on.

1st - to meet my goal of being more thoughtful to family and friends, I have a shitload of people to send cards to. My sister just bought a condo. 2 of my firends just had babies. My nephew’s birthday is coming up, as is one of my friends. Then my other sister sounds like she’s about to have a nervous breakdown (mother of my 1-year old nephew) and my parents just bought a house (though they won’t be moving up here till June). Jeez people… couldn’t spread it out or something? So I’m going to make some chocolate fudge and some pistachio brittle and send it out with the cards. Aint’ that sweet? : )

I started keeping track of some daily goals on this site called Joe’s Goals. It’s a really simple tool, but I like it because it’s.. you know.. simple. My goals are:
Write 600 words a day
Exercise
Weight lifting
No drinking

You can glance at a whole week and see where you’re at. My goal is to get a good chain going with the no drinking and the 600 words a day. Then exercise and weights, to have at least 2 checks at a time. Unfortunately, I don’t have a single check since last wednesday. : ( But today, I will at least write. Ok, off to the store to get some sugar. Maybe you’ll see a new revamped blog here soon.

what is going on? Ok, first of all, I must vent about the government. I try not to listen to the news, because it just pisses me off and there’s nothing I can do about it… but J made me:

1) This whole rebate thing. Ok, I’m not dumb. I’ll take money if it’s thrown at me, but is this really the best way to mindlessly prop up the economy? Don’t you think it would make more sense to encourage some progress on the alternative energy front so I could buy cost-effective fuel to get to work and then have money left over to buy stuff? Or, you know, maybe we could have, like, done that 20 years ago. hmm? stu-pid. Christ, in Maine people will (hopefully, please god) be paying their oil bills, not running off to macy’s for a new pair of sexy stilletto heels (as tempting as that may be). Do you smell what the rock is cooking?

Though… I have to say, I do intend to save my $600 for my kayak, so theoretically I guess that will be propping up the economy. But whatever. I still think it’s a bunch of bs. But with all the crap the gov’t spends money on, I guess a sexy blue kayak with my name on it is among the better things I can think of.

I drove into work with J this morning… trying to save on gas.. and he was listening to NPR, which is a good idea, but so much less tempting than cds sung by suicidal crazy women, and they had a thing about the presidential campaign. Now I’ve been in a wierd mood/place lately… dreaming a lot and feeling kind of good, but weird, but essentially fairly well-adjusted. And I just pictured Hilary becoming president.. and I know she’s not perfect.. but I was darn near tears just thinking about it. weep sob - satan - the offer is still on the table.

Is it just me or is there a lot of violent crime against women and children in the news lately? It’s just horrible. And then the Heath Ledger thing. I just saw Brokeback Mountain on Sunday via netflix so I’m taking it kind of hard.

What else? Oh, here’s a nice story. I grew up in a pretty isolated nuclear unit - my parents, my sisters, various cats. We didn’t know our extended family too much, but I had one aunt and uncle who always at least sent us birthday cards. Well, my uncle died last year, and my aunt sends me emails. She’s doing really well and I’m really proud of her. I mean, I guess she’d sort of fall apart. But she’s a trooper man. She’s going to the gym! And shit. Anyway, my uncle wrote lyrics to some songs and I told her that I wrote a song (toot toot!) and she asked me to write some music to his lyrics and I just thought that was the specialist thing I’ve ever heard. See, my family just isn’t like that. I never was exposed to this warm and fuzzy stuff. So, in my 30s, it’s kind of neat and novel. I’m diggin’ it. In fact, my project this year is to send cards and cookies maybe and just be all around thoughtful. I think it will throw more than a few people for a loop. ; )

J’s doing Tae Bo in his boxers. Ohhhh yeah… Go J, go j, go! It looks a little like he’s pummeling someone… “push your butt in-to the floor.. thumbs are up! work it!” Yeah, I’m taking the night off. I have a gym buddy now so I’ve gone twice this week. I’m also drinking wine, as you may have noticed, and using my weight watchers flex points to get, as they say up here, hamma’d. I am sober sometimes, by the way, I just don’t feel the compulsive need to share that with other people.

Well, work is going well. Had a heart to heart with my boss today. He admitted he needs to “let go” of things. I agreed. : ) And then I said “gimme gimme gimme!” power power MINE! ha ha. Just kidding.

 

Down in the winter doldrums. I’m just tired of winter. It’s boring! I want to be outside gardening and kayaking or just sitting on the porch reading a book. I’m tired of being cold and I’m tired of seeing snow. And it’s only January 21. I refuse to look for the light at the end of the tunnel until May 1, which leaves…. 14 or so weeks. Well, I guess that’s not that bad. Next year, remind me to plan for a vacation somewhere warm right about this time.

 

Well, I still need to catch up on my reading and get a good chunk of writing under my belt before the weather changes, so I just need to take advantage of it. It’s just that I get holed up in the house and get restless and moody and then don’t feel like doing anything at all.

 

Writing this book has been an interesting experiment though. I still have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going with it, but that’s ok. When I write things at work, I put anything at all on paper – just get my ideas out. Then I shift stuff around willy nilly and rewrite it until it sounds good. I rarely make an outline at all. So, it makes sense that I would use the same style on a longer fiction piece. Of course it seems more overwhelming that way, but this is my first effort so I really have no choice but to grope along until it works. The way I see it happening is just writing the plot down as I think of it. Too much comes to me as I’m writing that an outline just doesn’t work. Then at some point, either at the end, or sooner, I’ll print it out and decide what needs to be added (a lot), what needs to be taken out, and what needs to get better. It’s a big project, and sometimes I wonder why I bother, but it’s something I want to do, so I guess that’s reason enough, huh?

 

I updated my work portfolio and realized I’ve done some really cool things in the last year. I’m glad I’m staying here as it gives me more time under my belt doing what I’m doing, which I may not do forever. Work can be frustrating as hell sometimes, but essentially it’s a good job. Without female hormones coursing through my body, I bet it wouldn’t be bad at all. : )

 

Feeling sort of weird and morbid, which is how I remember feeling 2 years ago at this time of year. Weepy for no reason and restless and just thinking morbid thoughts. Having tons of dreams and apparently making a lot of noises in my sleep. I have been taking some supplements lately so I wonder if that’s part of the problem. Found some 5-htp in my cupboard which is supposed to make you happy but I thought I’d lay off of that and see if it helped. I’m also taking rhodiola (supposed to be good for lots of things) and coq10 (ditto) and vitamin d. Guess I’ll rotate them around until the nightmares stop. Last night I was in Alcatraz and my dog was about to die from being scared of another dog. And I was screaming and screaming but I couldn’t scream loud enough to make anyone hear me. Also had a dream that I was on a seedy street in Las Vegas , and one where I was acting in a sitcom and really liked it.

 

Ordered the book for my writing course. I’m excited about it but a little wary. I hope I like the people. I would love to find a group of people I like who I could write with and share my stuff with. It’s so hard to share personal things that I write. I wrote a song and my piano teacher wants to hear the words, which I will let her, but it’s going to be embarrassing as hell as it’s about my first boyfriend. I’ve worked on the chords a bit and I really like it. It’s probably a bit juvenile and simple but I don’t care. I wrote it from the heart. I used to be totally amazed at how anyone could write a song and now I’ve gone and done it. : ) It’s a good feeling.

 

Busy as hell at work. Have 5 articles to write today in 3.5 hours. Guess I better get to work.

started weight watchers on tuesday and I’ve already lost 4 pounds. I also feel like I”m about to pass out. : ) But that’s ok. Went to happy hour last night with a girl I don’t talk to much and my friend A from work. It was fun. We went to a wine bar and I had 2 glasses of shiraz and some crab cakes. My parents were in town the last 2 nights and put an offer on a house a little north of here. Now they’re headed back to the midwest to await the decision.

I’ve read some good things lately about productivity. J signed up for a news reader called newsgator so I copied him and then copied all of his feeds too. Most of them are about buddhism. He’s on a kick and he is soooo pleasant now. I love him dearly but he has a tendency to be really negative and to dwell on things people did in the past (usually stupid things). I dwell on stupid things I do but if someone else effs up, I let it go immediately. There’s no point in dwelling on it. Anyhoo… 2 tips I learned lately.

1) the martini method. This is from the guy who wrote clockwork orange. He’d hammer out 1000 words per day and then reward himself with a dry martini and spend the rest of the day doing what he wanted.

2) the jerry seinfeld method. Have a calendar on your wall that shows the whole year. Work on your thing (whatever that may be) each day and mark it off with a red x. Every day add your x so it forms a chain, and the theory is that you wont’ want to ever break the chain so you just keep taking baby steps toward your goal each day. My goal is 600 words per day but I’m averaging about once a week (usually on sunday) instead of once a day. So I’m considering buying a giant wall calendar and give it a try. It takes about half an hour to write 600 words. I can do it.

I read a thing the other day about these cars that run on compressed air. They’re coming out soon and cost about teh same as a “mid priced car” - which for me is a whole helluva lot of money. I’m all over the Hyundais. BUt seriously, I want one and they’re really cute too. They get about 100 miles per gallon. Of course there are no gallons, there are cans of compressed air. I’m tired of spending more time at the gas station then I do with my loved ones.

before I’m off to make some chocolate chip cookies. If I’m starting weight watchers on tuesday, then I guess I better enjoy this stuff while I can. I’m actually making them for my friend A at work who bought me and our other coworker starbucks gift cards and I didn’t get him anything. I dont’ really like giving things to people at work, because then it creates an expectation and everyone already has too many people to buy for. My boss also bought me a bunch of stuff, but I feel weird about making him cookies. I made J go up and borrow eggs from his mother so now he expects a pay back too. : )

Had a nice weekend despite fire-breathing pms. Went to the gym friday night and then to a greek place in portland that had live music and a live belly dancer! fun! I’m not sure J was crazy about it, but I liked it and it made me feel adventurous. Now I have to decide where we’re going next Friday. Yesterday we went to see I am Legend, which was pretty good. Still have Brokeback Mountain from netflix but haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. I also made my January purchase - a new pair of running shoes: $35 at TJ Maxx. We went for a long walk today, taking advantage of the sunny and fairly warm day - tomorrow’s supposed to be another snow storm. I guess I broke the shoes in by the size of the blisters on my feet.

Today have just been watching football and walkign around with my fluffy red blanket wrapped around me. Taking it easy. Wrote 600 words in my book for the first time in 5 days. But it’s coming along and I’m delving a bit into research now, which is kind of cool. Learning about Turkey and their customs (and where it is on the f-ing map). : ) Looked at a book at borders last night called “a short history of myth” which had an interesting insight. I’ve vowed not to buy any more books this year, so I just read an entire chapter in the store. Next time maybe I’ll move on to chapter 2. The interesting point was this: the first major deity was a goddess, one that eventually evolved into the greek goddess of the hunt, artemis. It seems sort of coutnerintutive that a culture that relied on men exclusively to provide food (since women were not hunters) would create a female goddess to worship. But when you think about how fragile society and survival were back then - procreation was, obviously totally critical. So the men were essentially going out and risking their lives simply because women’s lives were too important to risk as they were the ones who gave birth.

J turned me on to a great new singer today - Kate Nash. Very cheeky and a great beat. She has a song called “dickhead.” J knew I’d like it because he thinks I like any music with lots of expletives sung by women. Which is essentially true, but just by coincidence. I’m working on my song tonight. I have the words and the notes and the timing - now the hard part is making it fit into measures. It’s neat actually writing it all down though. I totally recommend it! And if I can do it, anyone can. : ) Great therapy. And just good clean fun.

is today. And it was a good day. Though I do have pms, which makes “letting things go” a touch harder. But I still tired.

Had piano for the first time in a month and played my song for my teacher. : ) She gave me some pointers and this week I’m supposed to work on it more. She mentioned a song she wrote so I asked her to bring that in next week too, so we could compare. hmm.. having wine tonight - went grocery shopping and bought the individual bottles of big house red wine and it tastes kinda funny. Maybe in 2 days I’ve lost my taste for the stuff. I swear, Thursdays, after work and piano and grocery shopping, I feel like I’ve been through a war. I just feel like I look and feel so much more haggard than the normal person should. I dunno. Went to the gym last night for the first time in weeks and did the stair climber for 23 minutes till I felt like I was going to puke. I thought that was a good sign that I’d worked hard enough! It was busy too. Lots of new years resolutioners.

I feel like sometimes I’m just rushing around, through my day, for no reason at all. It’s hard for me to just slow it down sometimes. breathe in, breathe out. awww…my typing just got a lot slower, but you can’t tell that. Maddeningly slow…I..t-h-i-n-k I w-i-l-l g-o m-a-d I’m t-y-p-i-n-g s-o s-l-o-w.

what else? I got my first book through swaptree - a very very nice illustrated, norton critical edition (love those) of Adventure of Huckleberry Finn. An American classic I’ve never read. Cool. I’d like to get To Kill a Mockingbird since I just saw Capote and realized that Harper Lee is a woman. Who knew!? I looked her up on Wikipedia and apparently that was her only novel. She’s still kickin’ but just never wrote another book. Intriguing. I haven’t worked on my book in 2 days. Tonight I’m resolved to least write 250 words. That’s pretty much a printed page in a book, so I hear.

My goals for January. Buy just 1 thing that’s not consumeable - so food and gas and drinks don’t count. I’m on a budget anyway, but I thought it would be fun to see how little I could buy in a month. I do need a pair of sneakers - does that count as 2 or 1? They only sell them as pairs, so I guess that’s just one. I haven’t bought a new pair in years, and they do go bad, like cheap beer.

My other goals were to *Not drink alone, which I happen to be breaking at this very moment. and * no more than 2 diet cokes per day (had 3 today and it is affecting my sleep) and * no plastic. hmm… Have I used any plastic today? I tried to buy stuff at the store that wasn’t packaged in plastic. Oh shit… the lettuce was. damn! Well, they’re goals, not the 10 commandments.

on Tuesday. It’s sooo darrrkkkk out there. Only in Maine, can “dark” be made into a 3 syllable word. Accent on the first. I had the worst nightmare last night and then couldn’t get back to sleep. I was dreaming that there was this guy and he killed his girlfriend accidentally while they were having sex. And he explained it to me in my dream and I was like “Oh, ok.” And my reaction was what bothered me the most about it. Then I lay awake the rest of the night as I do about once a night freaking out about my health and my life and relive a million semi-forgotten moments in my head and regret every single one of them. So that sucked, and I plan on going to bed very early tonight. Like as soon as I finish writing this, even though I should finish up some work since I’m swamped at work all fo a sudden.

J is watching this quantum physics stuff again on his computer and I can’t help but listen it, but it blows my mind. It’s really fascinating, but I just can’t fathom it. String theory, quantum foam, wormholes…

Oh, now that I think about it, I bet I know where that nightmare came from. I’ve been following the story in the news about the hiker who was killed in Georgia. Obviously this stuff bothers me as it should bother everyone. I get so mad because when I was young and single all I wanted to do was travel the world, or go into the city, or go for a goddamn hike, but I didn’t because I was afraid. God forbid a woman go somewhere alone. And this girl, she had her dog with her, she was savvy, and fit, and apparently even knew martial arts, and some 61 guy kills her. She probably never even saw what was coming.

And then there’s Hilary. I’m sure I’ve said before that I’d sell my soul to the devil to see a woman president. I really would. Satan, are you listening? We’ve come a long way, but it’s depressing to think that in my lifetime, it’s still not going be how I want it to be (with women reigning supreme over men and forcing them into servitude). Oh well, it is what it is. But please don’t let Huckabee win. Or I am officially moving to England.

And I get better and better at lettings things go. This is a huge breakthrough for me and I know I’ve been yammering about it for days now. But I’ve realized that I can’t talk myself into letting go, I just have to: recognize, refrain, relax, and resolve. Basically like counting to 10. : )

And I’m trying once again to give up or at least cut back on alcohol. It seems like I’m constantly regretting things I say or do when I’ve had too much to drink. Last night I got home feeling great, then had 2 drinks and ended up feeling like crap. But it’s such a hard habit to break. Again, I came home feeling great, but then I settle in and start to feel a bit agitated. But so far so good.

And that is all.

Like a light in a dark Australia.