Thanks for the fish

tonight is what blogs were invented for. narcissitic, self absorbed, pathetic rambling. UGH! My birhtday is tomorrow but I can’t say for sure that’s why i’m feeling like this. God I wished I would be over this crap by the time I was fucking 34. ugh. I hate myself, I hate everyone else, and I don’t even have pms. I’m a drunk. I’m fat. I’m old. I’m pathetic. I have no self esteem. I want to die. Ok, not really. It’s not that bad. Feeling very very hormonal.

menopause? Little early…

Had sort of a crappy day at work. It wasn’t so bad, but I got that feeling a few times…you know that high blood pressure feeling where you want to rip somebody’s head off? Ever get that? But I took a deep breath, resorted to short sentences and turning my head, and then just blocked people out. I don’t even have pms, which leads me to believe that people are just irritating. But what can you do? I’m in a bit of a spot because I’ve told people over and over again how NOT to irritate me but they don’t seem to be paying attention, so that’s it. I just can’t let it bother me. Part of what bothers me is that I think maybe I’m not that good at my job. I know I’m good at parts of it, but I’m not great at everything (who is, right?) so that bothers me too. But all I can do is to do the best I can do and let the rest roll off my back.

But I’m not at work anymore so fuck that. I wanted to talk about girlfriends I love love love. I mentioned my friend J last night. I haven’t seen her or even talked to her since Xmas. She has 2 young kids so is obviously pretty busy. I kept thinking about her lately but never called. Then I went down to VA a few weeks ago and didn’t see her just because I didn’t have time. But she called last night and we always have a good time talking. I feel like I have aquaintainces but no real friends, but when I talk to her I do legitimately feel like she is a friend. We laugh a lot and tell the truth and just kind of enjoy our conversations. We talk about football and kids and husbands and times gone by when we were young and all the people we used to know. I also tried to talk her into coming to visit me. Her husband travels all the time so I think it would be nice for her. I haven’t told J yet because I’m not sure he’d be too thrilled to have 2 young kids stay with us…

Then my sister-in-law J is also in town and she’s really funny. She can get on my nerves but when she decides to be nice, I liker her a lot. Her and her boyfriend came over last night and we talked a lot, so I got lots of talking in (for me). Tonight I’m supposed to go up and get my birthday present from her since she’s staying at my mother in law’s house. There is some family drama going on. Her brother (and J’s) got divorced and nobody really knows the story (I assume his wife found a better gig) but now my mother in law, who was always hard on the wife, is her best friend. And my 17 year old niece is dating a 19 year old navy guy and going off to college in OK (where he is based) and everyone seems ok with that. I mean, I was young once and all and we’ll do what we want to do… but I just feel like my dad would’ve given me a much harder time. But then i think maybe it’s just one of those things where people (me) are threatened by a new person coming into the group (the boyfriend) but that’s silly because I never even hang out with the family.

In that vein though, some people are very territorial. I guess I am too. Is it female thing? My friend D is like that. She doesn’t want to give up control, or information.. she’s reluctantly accepted me and A into the group but there’s another girl (who I admit can be a bit annoying) who she just wont’ allow in. I feel bad because god knows I’ve been that girl. But I have a bad bad habit in my life of acting just like other annoying girls when I have friends, and then cursing them when I’m the one on the outs. It’s a conundrum. But I was pissed off at everyone today so I can’t say I was part of any group dynamic at all. Sometimes I’m ok with that.

Well, I’ve pigged out on crackers full of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oil and tons of calories. WE were going to go to the gym but I left my workout clothes at work. I remembered as soon as I walked out, but since I left without saying goodbye to anyone (rather rudely) I didn’t want to go back. Then I didn’t even go for a walk when I got home. Oh well.

I’ve been fantasizing about my garden at night instead of about cute boys, so you know summer has finally reached Maine. I still notice the cute boys and they seem cuter than ever, but I can’t be bothered with that. Not when there is weeding and mulching and planting to plan.

I finally remembered my dream from teh other night. i went to a movie theater - I think with my coworker A. It was in Maryland at a place called White Flint Mall, which is a real place, but not really the place in my dreams. We walk in and it turns otu that they have to bus us to antoher theater. I sort of lose interest in being with A and just get on the bus by myself wondering where we are going. It seems a little effed up. Then I realize they are just taking us across the parking lot to another part of the mall, which is newer with tons of restaurants and every imaginable thing. Then I’m in my old car - my old green hyundai accent that I called “the green bullet” loved that car. Then since I’m in my car, I don’t want to go to the movie anymore. Then (graphic details coming up - fair warning!) I got really horny and decide to masterbate in my car. tee hee.

On that note, I’m off to get my birthday present, stomach cramps and all.

Yes, for the short attention span sufferers like me, there is that ever elusive flow… when you lose track of time doing something that engrosses you. I have plenty of interests and I don’t think of myself as a passive participant in life, but flow eludes me most of the time. Even when I’m doing something I really enjoy, I look at my watch and say “good! I’ve been doing this for an hour (or half an hour) time to stop and relax! Mission accomplished! I just don’t like doing anything for too long. Day long excursions freak me out. Folding laundry all at one time freaks me out. Basically, I hate to commit. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t like to feel obligated and I don’t like to commit too much time to anything.

(long time lapse..talking to my friend J who I haven’t talked with forever!) Anyhooo… so I have found some flow lately, mostly with kayaking. 35 minutes felt like 5 on Sunday when we were out there. Something about paddling and focusing on each stroke…i suppose it’s something like meditation. Gardening does that for me sometimes too, but I have to force it a little more. I do a little and want to give up (because it’s hard work!) but I tell myself, just a little longer, and then eventually I really do lose track of time. anyway, it’s a good thing. I hope to cultivate more flow in my life.

Ok, next subject…themes for my novel. What do you think? We watched Cider House Rules last night and I was dissecting the story. The recurring theme in that movie was “sometimes you have to break the rules… when the rules dont’ make sense or don’t apply to you.” that’s an interesting theme.. i like it. So, rather than just thinking of random themes, I’ve been trying to think of what’s really important to me, because I do get passionate about some things. Maybe something about integrity vs. greed. Or earning what you have… or only appreciating things you feel like you really deserve. Then tehre’s synchronicity… how life gives you what you need. Living in the present - appreciating what you have. One in the hand is worth 2 in teh bush????? I don’t know! This novel wirting is too much work.

Oh! I had a vivid dream last night…crap, what was it. Crap, I don’t remember.

Had a synchronicitous moment re: Warren Beatty….weird.

Well, I guess that’s all for tonight, unless I remember my dream.

but too much sun. Went on our 2nd kayaking voyage today… it was gorgeous, perfect day, like it often seems to be lately (!) so we decided to go out with the boats. Tried to find a new place in town to put in, but couldn’t find the right spots…drove around for an hour and then finally just put in at the same public landing that we did last time, right in the center of town, where all the boats (big boats) put in. I’d rather have somewhere more discreet, but it worked. Went down the cathance river, out to merrymeeting bay and ended up at little brick island, just a rock in the middle of the bay. So we stopped and stretched our legs. I laid on a rock in the sun (my most favorite thing in the world to do… actually it could be a lumber pile in the sun, a bag of mulch in the sun, a pile of dirt in the sun… you get my drift). It was awesome..gorgeous and peaceful and zenlike and flowing. Time went by and I didn’t notice. J was way ahead of me. he likes to see how fast he can go while I like to stop and smell the roses, or the sea kelp or whatever. SAw my eagle! I like to believe I have an eagle who follows me everywhere, but yes, I really know it’s not the same eagle, but god it was gorgeous. It was up there with an osprey and they were just flying around, spreading their wings, I guess looking for lunch. damn, man.

Got back, grumpy and tired, and did some weeding. Yelled at J, he stalked off and mowed the lawn. I laid down and he came in to say he was going up to shovel manure. I felt guilty and went up to help, tired as shit. We made up, shoveled shit together and then he threw up a few times and decided that he had overdone it. I’m not worse for wear except some sore shoulders, a sore back and a sunburned wrist. Now I’m having a much deserved cocktail and eating a frozen pizza.

Next up is piano practicing… getting a little worried about the recital. Tomorrow is more weeding and mulching and some novel writing! God I wish I had a summer vacation.

my head hurts from way too much exertion. I’ve almost memorized the whole Jessica’s theme song. It’s a tough one and I’m about 3 measures away. I still have to look at the music sometimes to peak, but I’m very very close. It feels good becuase it’s been a real challenge and I’m almost there! I’m not even going to worry about the Enya song for now because that’s easy by comparison and if I have to I could even drop that one. But I don’t think I’ll have to. I’ve got a long weekend and another 2 weeks after that so I think I’m golden.

My sister helped me come up with a great idea for a book. It needs a little fleshing out but it has the potential to be really funny. And hey, if I’m only spending a month on it, I can take the risk. No pressure, right? The plan is to start June 1 and obviously be done by June 30 with the first draft. I see it as something sort of Carl Hiaasen-ish. Funny, irreverent, a bit kitchy, but with a little bit of a message (yet to be determined).

Had a cocktail tonight but J had a Woodchuck cider and it’s Friday night, so I thought it would be ok. Need to get back into the swing of things eventually anyway. Wedding reception tomorrow and I’ll have to drink something. My new rule is 2 drinks when I go out, 1 at home but not every night. It hasn’t been too hard cutting back so far and I’m kicking ass on the no smoking. Don’t even miss it.

I have been very very tired though. But I picked J up from work and we went to the gym and did the elliptical machine. I felt no worse afterward, maybe even a little better. I’ve been eating a lot though. I’m very hungry and quite a bit bored. Very unmotivated. I literally did absolutely no work at work today. None. How I could be there for 8 hours and no do anything is pretty amazing, yet true.

I’m wearing my contacts again. My optomotrist says I’m all healed up but have to stay on the Patanol indefinitely, which seems weird. I’m happy to not look like ugly betty anymore, but my eyes are still bothering me a bit, though I suppose seasonal allergies could be playing a role too. Everything looks really pretty but I feel like it’s all happening so fast and I’ve been so busy that I’ve barely been able to enjoy the spring. It’s been raining off and on for the last few days,w hich is good becasue we need some rain. Hopefully tomorrow will be nice so I can start pulling up some major clover.

Well, I guess that’s all. I feel pretty positive right now. Self esteem is slowly returning. feel good about my book and my piano recital and I’m really looking forward to a long weekend. I hope with some rest, etc. I can go back to work on Tuesday refreshed and ready to get some stuff accomplished and crossed off my list, while being brilliant too.

My parents got me a $50 gift card from Target for my birthday. My oldest sister got me a $50 banana republic gift card that I’ve already spent about $35 or so on. I think I might buy some exercise equipment at Target. I bought these Reebok adjustable dumbells that go up to 12.5 pounds. For my back exercises I think I need a bit heavier though, so I think I’ll see if they have heavier ones. J is pushing for that too so he can use them also. : ) I would buy some exercise dvds but our room is just not set up right to exercise so that always deters me. I have to move too many chairs and stuff and it seems like too much trouble most of the time. But this week I went for a 1 mile walk at lunch, so I got 3 days in and hope to keep improving. I can’t say I feel any better yet, but I think eventually my lungs will recover, my liver will rejoice, and my muscles will do something else that starts with r and has 2 or 3 syllables… re… re… i dunno.

So the only present I await is from my sister S. And maybe the people at work will get me something…who knows. Birthdays are fun, but I seem to never have any presents left for my actual birthday. Soon the birthday season will be over.. just one more - Father’s day and I can relax again until October (mom’s birthday).

with no drinking, 6 days without smoking. Tonight I’m just plain bored and I realize that I need to find something to fill the time when I’m not drunk. Mostly I’ve been doing that by sleeping and eating, but I realize that’s probably not a good long term solution. I don’t feel like doing anything productive though. So, the things I should do that I don’t feel like doing:

Go out in the rain and yank up some clover
Get some exercise
Practice piano
Write something brilliant
Read a book
Clean something
Find something to wear to wedding reception on saturday
Find something to wear to work tomorrow

Yeah, still none of that sounds very appealing. I guess I will go do the last 2 items and then find a book to read and hopefully by then it will be 9 and I can go to bed. J is singing the praises of Lindsay Lohan right now. : ) He’s so funny.

icky, but that’s not what I will write about. Saturday was my little town’s plant sale to raise funds for their little library (everything I guess is little in this town). I love this plant sale because it’s the kind where people dig stuff out of their garden to donate, so you get perennials they’ve divided and other random things like weeds and wildflowers, which are my personal favorite. It opened at 9 and we got there at 9:05 and had to park a ways up the street. The place was absolutely mobbed. It’s in this big building which I guess is the town hall and they have tables set on all sides, plus long ones in the middle. There was sort of a line, a slow moving line that sometimes never moved, but not enough room to get around people. I went a little nuts, in more ways than one. What did I buy? hmm..

(that paragraph was getting long). I bought a purple coneflower. I tried one of those the first year I lived here and it died the first winter, but they always make me think of my mom and the garden she had at our house in Virginia…hostas and purple coneflowers. I bought a peony - also something I tried my first year and didn’t winter over. I bought some trilliums (another thing my mom loves). 2 lilacs, which we haven’t planted yet. I try not to buy things in 2s but that’s all I had money left for. I bought a golden spurge or something - sounds weedy, huh? An oriental poppy! (tried those before too). A pulmonary (lungwort?) which I’ve wanted for a while for my shade garden. A michelmas daisy, just because I love daisies so..though I guess it is technically an aster, and I think I have them growing wild in my driveway. Some johnny jump ups (haven’t planted yet) which I love love love love. Sooooo sweet. They are the definition of sweet. They make me happy. I hope I don’t kill them.

I’m probably forgetting something. But it was fun, anyway. Oh, and my writing class last night… I just can’t say enough about that group. It was so what I needed. My self esteem is still not great, but that helped a lot. Just to have people listen to what I write and say nice things… it’s a good thing. And they are all so talented. I’m pretty shy in the group, but I’m starting to warm up to them. I wrote a story about a skunk and a train that I’ll have to post on my other blog. I have to smile just thinking about it (the group). We’re meeting every 2 weeks now.

Work sucks because all my friends are at conferences or off somewhere and I’ve had no one to talk to so the day goes by super slowly. I also read that nicotine withdrawal actually causes a warp in your time perception so time goes by more slowly (really!) I know you don’t believe me.

I have a freelance project to write copy for a brochure for a cleaning company. Riveting. : ) I can’t seem to focus on anything though (I’m also blaming withdrawal for this). I worked on my Man from Snowy River song for a long time tonight and have the first 2 pages memorized. 1 more to go. I was looking at the sheet that my teacher gave me and apparently I’m supposed to have my songs “completely polished and memorized 2 lesson before the recital”. That would be in 2 days and I’m nowhere close, but I think since I’m a big girl I can convince her not to cut me from the program. I hope. : (

My sister, her husband and their little boy - my little nephew - are coming for July 4th. That gives me some motivation to get my clover ridden “garden” in shape before then. We also need to start thinking about the veggie garden. My father in law had a bigger spot tilled up and we’ll be shoveling loads of horse manure on it this weekend. Good stuff! OUr garden sucks when we put no poop on it. I’d love to get some poop for my flowers too, but it’s hard on the ol’ back to shovel that shit, so I guess I’ll stick to bags of mulch for now. My soil seems ok… it’s pretty sandy but stuff seems to grow well enough (especially the clover).

Well, this is a long post. I have a haircut on Saturday just to get it cleaned up. I haven’t been since Feb 3 so that’s a long time. It’s looking a little scraggly and very long. I can’t decide what to do about a new car. I’m spending about $400 a month in gas and I just don’t have the funds… I’ve been carpooling quite a bit with J and I could drive his ‘95 civic, but it’s so damn loud and slow. I want a prius but nobody has them in stock. At this point I think the technology will only improve, inventory will only go up and prices will only go down…. so I guess that means I wait another year, buy some earplugs and suck it up with the civic and carpooling.

Ok, one more thing. My cat freaked out again last night. It was a full moon. We sprayed phermones everywhere and locked the good cat in our bedroom. Come morning he seemed ok. Poor guy… is prozac the answer my dearie? He’s sitting on top of my desk right now. : )

If it was a good idea to give up drinking and smoking at the same time. I was sitting at my desk today and I realized I could feel my pulse in my neck tick tocking away and it seemed a bit fast. Now I’m a pretty mellow person and I usually have a very low pulse, low blood pressure, etc. So I took my pulse and it was 80, which seems really high for me. Then I noticed that I felt a bit light headed. Then add to that the fact that I’ve had major intestinal issues for the last two days, and wait, I’m getting a headache! And a sore throat. And my muscles hurt (ok, that’s from kayaking). So I guess any of these could be caused by diet coke, or else they could be withdrawal symptoms of either nicotine or alcohol. I don’t care though, I’m persevering.
Oh, I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I got a standing work station installed at work. I work in a cubicle and before I just had the standard set up, but at my company they offer standing stations where you can stand as well as sit. It’s pretty cool. The desk is really high and there is a stool so you can sit too. I think it’s actually more comfortable for sitting than my other one because I’m tall and it was hard to fit my legs under the desk otherwise. The problem is that I don’t really stand very often. I clocked it today and it was about 30 minutes for the whole day. But it’s nice to have the option. And if I hadn’t been so lightheaded, I would’ve tried it for longer. My goal is to get to at least 10 minutes of standing every hour. Really, they recommend you stand half the time. I find I can be pretty productive when I stand.
I actually got invited to a white water rafting trip by one of the coworkers I really made an ass in front of last week. I’m shocked anyone is still talking to me, much less asking me to do stuff. But that’s cool. I hope to be able to redeem myself. First, I need to get my self esteem out of the gutter. I just walk the hallways in shame and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I don’t think that’s helping anything.
Off to my writing group. Maybe they can help me write my “book in a month”!

in our kayaks. Let me tell you, kayaking is not for the faint of heart. I’m bushed! First, those things are heavy and you have to load them onto the car, take them down, get all your gear ready, then go out. It was really fun, but it got really windy and wavy and I was a little scared. Then I got really tired and grumpy. J is out cleaning everything off now, bless his heart.

Well, Thursday night I had a company dinner..whole company…about 400 people, so I thought it would be a fantastic idea to get shitfaced in front of everyone and act really obnoxious. : ( So I’ve been dwelling on that since and blushing about 5 times a day in shame. sigh… well, I obviously regret it and wish it hadn’t happened, but what can I do now? Nothing. Hold my head high, lay low, and hopefully people will forget. If not, I guess I could find a new job, but I can’t keep finding new jobs because I get drunk and embarrass myself. Will this be the time I learn my lesson? Perhaps. Damn damn dman dman damn. My self esteem is suffering and I’ve realized that I’m ungrateful and a total brat.

So, having figured these things out, what shall I do? I don’t know. But I bought a book at Borders yesterday called “Write a book in a month” or something like that. Yes, I said I would stop buying these dumb writing books, but this one looked pretty good and I need some motivation. Hey, if I have to quit my job (or get fired for that matter), that could be a great opportunity to write my book. So I will work on that tonight, but first a shower, than I need to work on my recital songs since the recital is 2 weeks away and I don’t even have the damn songs memorized yet. I think I have my writing group tomorrow too…

f*cked by the man. Which is why I am shopping for a hybrid car. I think it’s appropriate that I live in New England because I’m really feeling the “live free or die” mentality. I know that’s New Hampshire, but close enough. I feel way too dependent on oil and gas. First of all, I don’t like that we rely on countries that we obviously hate and obviously hate us (not on an individual level, but you know). Second, I don’t like the fact that I”m making rich assholes richer by buying gas. I know who benefits (it’s a conspiracy!!)

Soo… right now I’m driving 80 miles per day to work, in a Subaru Forester that gets probabaly 25 miles per gallon. In addition to that, we live in a cold ass place where heat is a must for survival. We rely 100% on oil for heat. Ok, we have a propane fireplace too. Stupid!! We live on 14 acres of wooded wildnerness and we have absolutely no wood heat alternative. doh! The problem is that I know nothing about any of this crap. Nothing. I saw some stuff online that is called a “wood furnace add-on” for an oil furnace. $5000 and I hope it will work with our system. That would mean we could chop wood and burn wood as our primary fuel and the oil would come on when we weren’t home so the pipes won’t freeze essentially. I need to go talk to someone because I don’t know if this is even an option.

So, Africa is probably out. I just don’t feel like I can spend $10K on a vacation. Besides, after all this flying, the thought of a 20 hour plane ride is about enough to make me slit my wrists. I just hate being dependent on things where greedy bastards can raise the prices and I have to pay it. Groceries, gas, oil… I’m going broke, man!

The farmer’s market started up last week. So far, he only has parsnips… : ( I could go for some rhubarb, spinach, lettuce… but parsnips? I dunno.

Still 200 calories under my limit and 3 glasses of wine. It’s all good. Busy as hell at work. Have a presentation on Thursday and can’t figure out how to make it scary and brilliant like I want it. Haven’t practiced piano at all, grumpy at work, parents in town tomorrow… J watching conspiracy theory documentaries from teh bbc. Tired as hell. g’night.