Thanks for the fish

I’m starting to wonder if staying home for vacation was a good idea. I’m so tired right now, I might must want to go back to work on Monday. Probably not… but maybe.

Ok, first of all, to all the yuppies/city dwellers out there who think they are being all local and stuff by going to the farmer’s market, I just want to say…YOU’RE PATHETIC! Do you know how local I got today? Well, let me tell you. It all started at the local farmer’s market, which was sort of pathetic too, but we got some swiss chard (new food - cross it off the list!), beet greens (ditto!), cilantro (I felt sorry for the girl, didnt’ really need any), and then some kielbasa from a local butcher. It wasn’t the actual butcher, just some kid (rather cute kid), but he told us where the actual butcher was and we were looking for some fresh chicken, so J says “wanna go find this place?” Now I’ve been with J long enough to know that when he’s in an adventurous mood, I better take advantage of it, so off we go (me driving). So, of course he obviously hadn’t listened to the kid’s directions at all (why are men so bad with directions?), but luckily I have a sonographic memory and never forget anything (not really) so we’re driving, driving, diriving. We pass the road, turn around, get on teh right road, it’s a dirt road. Pass a “Posted” sign. Pass a “No trespassing sign.” Pass a “Beware of dog” sign. J says to turn around. So I start turning around, then I change my mind because I know the kid said “go all the way to the end of the road.” So the road forks off, I go the direction where there is no dog to be wary of and voila, there is a little itty bitty sign that says ” so and so’s meats.” It’s a house. That’s when i say “it’s all you dear” and wait in the car as he goes searching around for the appropriate door to knock on (on a side note… I hate that! Why can’t houses just have one door? I always go to the wrong one and then they act like I’m an idiot for not psychically knowing what door they want me to use).

Anyway, so to recap, I bought meat at someone’s house today. I am soooo ready for the apocolypse. Grocery store shut down? No problem! Then we went to pick our own strawberries. 15 quarts for $24. So fun day boy am I STUFFED!

Overcast and threatening rain all day, kind of cold so I didn’t feel like gardening. J was working on his alien sculpture..er rock garden. I’m definitely going to hell.

I did a lot of cleaning. Cleaned the kitchen 4 times. Cooked in between. Laundry. Tried to get rid of the cat piss smell in the basement pre sister visit. Cooked, cooked, cooked. Got the guest bedroom ready. Tomorrow we may go to Boston. The weather’s supposed to be crappy again. Hope it doesn’t rain all week. Oh! Last night we went to a used book sale. Got a ton of books… A Carl Jung one about symbols, one called myth in literature (or something), a few kurt vonneguts, several mario vargas llosas (oddly enough) - I went through a big latin american writers phase once…he’s a good one. a margaret atwood one - love her. and one about labyrinths. J got about 20 books about religion. I wanted to tell the guy checking us out that we werent’ religious freaks, but then I thought that maybe he really was a religious freak and didnt’ want to offend him. Usually I think it’s best to just keep my mouth shut and let people think what they will.

Have had sort of a change of mindset lately. It’s hard to explain and it may not last anyway, so maybe I shouldnt’ even bother. But it has to do with value. I’ve been thinking about my own value to people, which led me to think of other people’s value to me. It’s an interesting way to think about things because when you do, you sort of realize that there’s no point being around people who dont’ add any value to your life. It’s a simple math equation. I dont’ know what that equation is since I suck at math, but I’m sure someone could tell you what it is. I also think that maybe quitting drinking was a good thing, because sometimes you have to suffer in order to know you have to make some changes. For example, in my early 20s I was a big stoner. A really big stoner. A 175 pound stoner, but that wasn’t really what I was referring to (hey all those munchies make you fat. It’s true!). So not only did I lose weight when I quit (I didnt’ really quit by choice, by the way), but soon thereafter I also finally got out of the dead-end job that I hated with the bile of satan for 2 years. Sometimes I wonder if I would still be at that job if I was still doing my daily bong hit. I don’t know… I’m just saying.

Well, my sister is kicking my ass at the reading challenge, so it’s time I grabbed my book and put this one in the bag.

I used to own a movie (back when there were “videotapes” called Bodies, Rest, and Motion. It was one of those independent films where not much happens, but for some reason I liked the movie. It’s about a couple who moves to Arizona and then once they get there, they break up and the guy starts dating someone else, who he now lives with. The guy and his girfriend are still friends iwth the ex. So that’s just the background, nothing has actually happened yet. Ok.. now the boyfriend decides he wants to move to Butte, Montana. Girlfriend doesn’t really want to go, but she’s a nice, peaceable girl so she will follow him. They get all packed up, hire a painter, quit their jobs…at the last minute boyfriend tells her that he’s going alone. And he leaves. She’s stunned. The painter shows up and they start chatting, get high, and have sex. He goes on about love. She gets up in the morning and leaves, not waking the painter. The painter decides he will find her.

I don’t know why I was thinking about this movie today. In a big way, I relate to the girlfriend character, though I’m not sure in what way. The ending is very vague because you don’t know if he’ll find her. And I’m not sure I want him too. I like that she left. She was the type of person who had always just let life take her wherever…not really making too many decisions on her own. Then, she’s forced into a situation where she has to make a decision, but at the last minute she’s given an out. She could stay with the painter. But at that point, I suppose she had already resolved to just go it on her own - even though they had a connection. And I think… how many times have I, have any of us, made a committment to ourselves, out of choice, and then we’re given another option and then take that. The movie Garden State was a bit like that too, except they did end up together. I guess I’m just not a “love is the answer” kind of girl.

So that’s what kind of mood I’m in. I went to my piano lesson expecting the worst. Whenever I practice my ass off and expect praise, she shoots me down. But instead, I talked to her about how I was concerened I was plateuing and felt like I was slow and not getting anywhere and she gave me a rather inspired talk. She also apparently wanted to talk about sex, because there was an analogy about orgasms in there (which unfortunately I couldn’t entirely relate to, but I got her drift). So I feel better about that, and we decided to work on some Czerny exercises in addition to the 2 songs. She also told me to relax and enjoy myself and things will settle down and all of a sudden I’ll start improving again.

Thought about drinking tonight but I would say it was more of just a thought than an actual desire. ARen’t habits a bitch? It’s been over 2 weeks. Then I started thinking (apparenlty I’m really in a thinking mood today) or maybe I read this somewhere that the number of times you think something makes it harder to forget it. Which of course makes total sense. That’s why you study things, and memorize them. But say, every night for 3 years or so I’ve at least considered having a drink at night, even if I haven’t actually done it. Then, given the type of person who gets a little carried away thinking about people of the opposite sex, I think about men I’ve been “interested in.” A few years ago, I was so into this guy… even after I hadn’t seen him or heard from him in a year, I still thought about him every single day. It was hard. But it was just a habit. But considereing I probably thought about him every waking hour for 2 years, that’s a lot of synapses to dig up, you know. I also once heard that it takes twice as long to get over someone than the amount of time you were involved with them. Hopefully that’s not true because if J ever dumps me, that means it will take me 20 years to get over him - at which point I will be 54. So I guess the lesson here is, be careful what you think about, because you might just get stuck there! A very buddhist observation if I dare say so.

Well, my new goal is to make msyelf a little mroe valuable. Ther’es no point pouting and being mad at the world for not giving me what I want. At work, I’ve been trying to be more pleasant. I mean, none of us want to be there, but I might as well make the most of it. Besides, if I look for a new job, I need to network, I need people for references. I’m infamous for burning bridges… must stop doing that. But I try to think during the day “How is this place better for me being here?” Of course, there’s not always a good answer. I asked that of myself in the grocery store too… no answer. Oh well. I was wearing a miniskirt so maybe I made some old guys day… who knows!

Ok, enough expostulating for today. I’m not sure if that’s a word, and don’t really care. : ) There’s ants everywhere. Oh, one more thing. My sister and I created a 10 book summer reading challenge with a blog and everything. So now I need to pick my next 9 books!

with my husband. Marriages just can’t sustain things like that. At least mine apparently can’t. We both worked from home today to save a bit on gas… the theory being that since we usually carpool, with only one of us working from home, we werent’ really saving anything. Makes sense.. So it all started out lovely, and actually it was all lovely until about an hour ago, when we had our daily spat. Do all couples fight this much? There is a lady at work who fights with her husband constantly and they legitimitely just can’t seem to stand each other. I want to yell over the cubicle wall “get a divorce, lady! You’ll be happier!” We don’t have horrible fights, but I do feel like lately we fight a lot. Oh well… the nice thing about life is that it has a way of working itself out. Either it will get better, or it will get worse. Not much point dwelling on it.

Anyway, it was a gorgeous day and I got some work done and then did some online training about dreamweaver. At work, I feel like I’m set up to fail. I’m in charge of the website but given no direction and no tools to get it done. But I do have dreamweaver now (after a year of asking for iti) but still no graphics editing software so I have to rely on teh graphic designers to send me files (since I can’t even access them). Of course they resent this since I’m sure they feel like they should be doing the web stuff. Yeah… work is just not thrilling me lately. Medicare season is coming up, which means lots of lots of red tape…forms, rules, crap that I don’t understand but have to deal with now. I’m the medicare queen. yay. Yeah…not thrilled.

But I got up at 7:50, rolled out of bed and was in the office by 8 (albeit not clean and with no bra on)… took a nap in the afternoon… played piano on one of my breaks… and was done and at the ice cream stand by 4:05 (i did put on a bra for that). Then we decided to do some gardening. I mulched the weed garden and then J wanted me to help him with his rock garden. That meant him standing there with his stupid rake and making me do all the manual labor. I was very pleasant about it for a while, but eventually I just snapped. Temper temper.

My reason for wanting a drink tonight. Well, earlier I wanted one to celebrate not having one for so long. Then of course after the fight I wanted one to relax. But I persevere… how many days left? Only 10!

Our week off is shaping up (yes soon I can spend a whole 7 days alone with my husband… no taking bets on a divorce! ) We’re going up to Bremen - been there before but can’t quite remember where it is.. my sister in law’s boyfriend’s mother (’s second cousin.. no just kidding) has a camp up there and they live in New Hampshire so they’ll be staying ther ea few days. They have kayaks so we’re going to go up there for a day trip on the boats. PLanning on a day trip to Boston as well. I want to see a show…wanted to see Wicked, but that’s not playing in Boston anymore. But I’m sure I can find something. Then there’s a million house and garden things to prepare for my sister’s visit. Yes, the need to impress is burning in me! I won’t even deny it. I want them to be jealous and admit that I’m living the good life even though they’re filthy rich and think they have it all! ha! I’m better! I’m happier! And I have a prettier garden! (remind me not to fight with husband while they’re here….that could blow the whole illusion).

The rock garden is very prominent. And right outside my window. IT takes the focal point away from my lovely boulder bed. I hate it!!!

to be fat. For once, I was hell bent on getting to the gym and working up a good sweat. Normally I’ll look for pretty much any excuse not to go to the gym. J didn’t want to go, which would have been a great out normally, but I persisted. So we pull up and there’s a sign on the door saying the power was out due to thunderstorms. doh. But we did go for a walk/jog when we got home. The jog was more to get home before the thunderstorm, but hey, whatever works. I’m trying to tackle exercise as my next step to absolute human virtuousness and perfection (I’m tellin’ ya, I’m gonna run out of things soon, I’m so close!). On my 101 list, I have “work out 3 times a week for a month” so that’s the goal I’m working on, though I’d ideally like to be more active every single day.

Today, though, my main reason for wanting a vigorous workout was to burn off caffeine. I’m pretty wired. On a usual day I have as many 20 oz. diet cokes from the vending machine as I can afford on that particular day (using only $1 bills and coins) and now I’ve added an afternoon trip to dunkin donuts with my friend D for an iced coffe. I have to say, I feel pretty fabulous, so I’m starting to think that coffee is the answer. aaahhh-ahhh. I can’t blink though. bing!

Need to look up some wildflowers…hold on… hmm, maybe a twinflower? Something pretty and pink is flowering on the driveway…and something yellow that looks aster-ish…let’s see… maybe golden ragwort? My black eyed susan is blooming and the yarrow. Last weekend I rearranged the shade garden, dug everything up and replanted it all. Hopefully they’ll all adjust, the poor little darlings. Next is the bed directly beneath my office window. Overgrown lillies and irises, mountain laurels growing hte wrong way, holly that won’t behave. They’re all getting a good pruning (my rhodos too) and a lot of the stuff is going to find a new home. My callas are up too! They’re gorgeous and would make a superfantastic watercolor painting… I may venture out from cat paintings yet! (sorry boys). I know it seems so cliche to paint pictures of flowers, but gosh, who can resist?

Anyway… I’m working from home tomorrow.. and could not be happier about it. Sleeping in, don’t have to worry about taming my unruly hair, don’t have to worry about attempting (and not accomplishing) to find something that looks decent on me. I’m convinced I just have a weird body. I think I need to start dressing like Katherine Hepburn. If I could find the right style for my body, I’d just stick with it forever. But what I’m wearing now just isnt’ working.

J’s still on his religion kick. Do you want to know anything about Jesus? If so, just ask because I am officially an expert. Purely by osmosis. Of course, I don’t think most christians would agree with my answers, since we’re mostly listening to things based on history and archeology, not theology. It’s sort of surprising how many contradictory things there are in the bible. And the fact that that doesnt’ seem to bother anyone. I mean, I dont’ care one way or another about it and wouldnt’ try to argue with anyone’s faith, but from a purely practical point of view, I find it interesting that the religion has survived, thrived even, for this long based on a pretty flimsy story. I should probably shut up now, right? Yeah, ok.

Onto a safer topic…politics…ha ha! Just kidding. How about sports? I’ve decided to become a red sox fan since I got a free red sox T-shirt (that I’m wearing right now). And I can’t wait till football season. That’s all I got on sports.

Oh, I’ve also decided to become a bookworm (to compete with J…everything’s a competition) and read 10 books this summer. so I’ve got to finish the one I’m reading and move on. Speaking of competitions, we have our department summer outing coming up. They haven’t decided what to do yet, but they mentioned an archery class and a skeet shooting class, both of which I am very very keen on. I did skeet shooting one summer when I was 18 in Minnesota. It was at a picnic or something and all the boys/men went one way and all the girls/women stayed to tend the food. Me and my sisters looked at each other and said “fuck that” and followed the boys. The boys were going skeet shooting. I’d never fired a gun before so that was fun. In the time since, I’ve become very anti-gun, but lately I’ve become a little mroe gun friendly. (did I already write about this… maybe I did). Anyway, long story short, I want a gun so I can protect myself but J is opposed. Soo… skeet shooting would be a good way to get acclimated again. Though archery would be awfully fun too. The other option was bowling. : (

I think I may have thought slightly less about having a drink tonight…? maybe.

Driving home, I noticed that wonderful thing… that glorious sign of summer…that harbinger of all things sweet and juicy was out… the “Strawberries U-Pick” sign!! Painted in red on a white background in stenciled letters and an arrow pointing toward the river. Yay! Seems a little early and I was hoping they woudl be picking while my sister is here, but whatever. We’ll probably get out there this Saturday adn sometime next week because I WON’T BE WORKING… bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha. Anyhoo, I also picked the first lettuce from the garden tonight to have on a delicious black bean burger wrap with avocado and cheese. yum.

Well, I’m halfway through my no-drinking month. I’m doing ok. I would like to say that today was a turning point, but I still thought a glass of red wine would be really nice for this yucky rainy day. It’s really amazing how every day I can find a different reason to want a drink. But I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s certainly a test of will, and saying “no” to myself is very hard for me. I would’ve thought that I would’ve lost weight though, and also I thought I would feel oodles better. But tonight I did some weight lifting and some stretching and maybe that helped with stress a bit. I couldnt’ honestly tell you what I’m so stressed about or why I feel so tense and irritable all the time, but I’m starting to think it’s just my personality. : )

Went for a brief walk at lunch time and it was 99.9 % humidity, so I had what basically amounts to an afro when I got back to the office. But I read in prevention magazine that 17 minutes of walking a day is enough to significantly reduce your risk of heart disease. So at teh very least, you’d think I could do 17 minutes a day, right? I think the key with me is to just get in the habit of doing somethign and then I can pump it up later.

Last night I took my aggression out in the kitchen and cooked like mad. I made homemade crab cakes, pasta and bean salad, and oatmeal cookies. Crab cakes are gone, cookies are gone… lots and lots o’ salad left. Guess I’ll be bringing that to lunch for the next month.

Oh! I also went to lumosity.com last night to see if quitting drinking has made me any smarter… the short answer is “no.” doh! why am I torturing myself again?

Stella d’oro daylillies are bloomign and my roses are going crazy, but it’s rainy and I’m never home so I feel like I’m neglecting them. I shoudl get out and prune the roses but every year I have to look up how to do it and I haven’t done that yet. hmm… I think I’ll make myself a hot chocolate and then curl up with “the botany of desire.” I still think that is the absolutey best title a book could ever have. I’ve been carpooling with J and he listens to books on tape. Today we listened to one called “the jesus dynasty.” It’s kind of interesting. I’m not sure why J is all of a sudden fascinated by religion. He has his nose in a book constantly. I guess it’s better than having his nose somewhere else, so I guess I’ll shut up now.

on a Sunday afternoon. umm umm. Aged Cheddar, made in Maine. But I’ve been working hard so I deserve it. I feel like I’m finally hitting my summer stride…. being outside constantly, getting sun burned, covered in dirt all day, loving every minute of it. ahhh summer.

Yesterday was our kayaking course. I thought it was about advanced strokes but it was mostly about navigation. I learned some things (like, oh, how to use a compass). And got some damn good exercise paddling across casco bay. The instructors were good. One reminded us of our friend F. The other was cute and very earnest. Normally I dont’ like really like that quality, but he was making it work for him. They have a rule that when you hear thunder you have to head back or hunker down. We heard thunder around 2;30 or so and headed back. Didn’t get to do advanced rescue techniques (aka flipping your boat over and having someone rescue you) darn!! was SO looking forward to that. : ) And we learned some thigns about towing. I was the only woman in the class. The water was rough in some spots and the waves were pretty big. I didn’t feel too bad about it though since the instructors were there. If it was just me & J, I would have been crying.

Then we went to Disgusta to the art store, book store and to see Indiana Jones. I bought some water colors and paper and some acyrilics too. I painted a pciture of my cat in watercolors. Voila!

Sideways, as usual. The movie was pretty good…action packed, entertaining, didn’t require too much thinking.

Today, cleaning, gardening, put some newspapers down in the aisles of the veggie garden. Everything looks good, though maybe a bit behind schedule. I hope our corn pilot project works out! yum! Bought some mulch and some marble chips. J wants to build a rock garden in teh front yard. Then i wanted to take over. Then he got mad. So now he’s out there doing it. Im a bit of a control freak in the garden, so I have to admit it’s killing me. But he’s cute when he’s get inspired, so I’ll let him do it. Maybe it will look good. : )

Well, looks like another thunder storm on the way. It’s dark and I have clothes on the line, so I guess I’ll grab those, make some crab cakes, have a mocktail, keep practicing cider house rules, do some reading, and enjoy the last few fleeting moments of the weekend. Oh, one more thing. I had 6 diet cokes on Friday so didn’t get any sleep, so I wrote a poem. Still needs a little work, but I’ve had this image in my mind for a year now adn have wanted to find a way to get it out, so here goes:

Of course I always think of you!
In the shower, I wonder
if I”ll run into you in some random place.
On the road, I slyly watch
for bold swatches of color
and familiar numbers
even when I know it’s the wrong make and model.
Out on the water, stroke, stroke, stroke,
silence.

My mind should be a blank canvas
but you paint yourself there
Never a portrait, but always in action
Dark hair and tulip smile
head always held high.

What are you doing?
Making a child smile
Making lasagna in your mother’s kitchen
Giving someone a hug (a real hug)
Taking a drag on a cigarette and looking me in the eye
as I watch the orange circle of embers
burn like desire in the night.

I catch my breath.
I won’t talk about you anymore.
Of course, I always think of you.

Yes, tonight I discovered the wonders of non-alcoholic beer! Perhaps at one time in my life I scoffed at such things and wondered what the f-ing point was, but that’s what getting older and wiser is all about I suppose. We went to a local Mexican restaurant/Irish bar (I know!) and I got tacos and an O’douls, and I have to say - it was lovely. aaah…. it was like having an old friend back. The comfort of a green glass bottle and a glass of amber beauty with a nice head on it. yum! Tasted just like bud or miller light, and with a 0.5% alcohol, I could pretend that I was getting a weeeeeeee bit of a buzz. Good stuff. Of course beer was never my drink of choice, so I’ve been thinking about looking for some non-alcoholic wine. I guess they would call that grape juice (unrefridgerated). : )

So what does that say about me… I need the illusion of having a drink in front of me more than the drink itself, which is true. At home, when I really feel like I need a drink, I just put ice cubes in my martini glass (the sound of home…clink clink clink in a cocktail glasss) and put some crangrape in their and just pretend there’s vodka in it. I mean, I like getting drunk too, but more than anything, it’s just a comfort to have something that I think will make me feel better. And it seems to work pretty well.

I’m feeling very squishy tonight. I’ve never been a hard body. In fact, every guy I’ve ever dated has always said (meaning it as a compliment I’m guessing), “you’re so soft!” I’m a soft body. I’m like the pillsbury dough body. Now I don’t need to be Linda Hamilton in the Terminator or antyhign, but I would seriously like to get rid of some back fat. It bothers me. So looking at my meals today, what could I have done differently. a) not had fried fish for lunch b) not had oodles of chips and salsa c) not ordered the beef tacos for dinner and d) not eaten half of J’s cheesecake filled tortilla. The problem is that I feel so virtuous with everything else that I feel like I should be able to eat whatever I want. Yeah.. so I don’t have a back fat reduction plan yet, but I have identified the desire. I think I’ll do a google search and see if I can find a workout.

Kayking course tomorrow and I don’t feel like going. It’s called “open water paddling skills” : ( Not a big fan of open water… I think that’s a natural human reaction. No?

Oh! Happy Summer Solstice! I’ve decided that my next list of 101 things will include “Run naked around the pine trees on the summer solstice” I’ll have to start a tentative list. I went out tonight looking for paints, but there is no good art store near me. It will require a trip to Portland or Augusta and I haven’t had time to get to one. So I went to Joanne’s, which is a fabric/craft store but all they had was kids paints. I briefly entertained the idea of buying one fo those rectangular trays of waterpaints, but I don’t think that’s quite gonna cut it to launch my art career.

My roses are all blooming. I’m just in love, lust, and infatuation iwth my garden at this point. I walk around with a goofy grin on my face talking to my flower “oh daisy! You’re lovely!” “how are you doing my darling rose” “hello you gorgeous thing!”. I’m not even joking. Koo koo! My climbing hydrangea is blooming for the first time. It didn’t bloom last year and this year it shot right up and has one bloom on it. I actually have 3 hydrangeas and out of the 3 of them I’ve had a total of 2 blooms in 3 years. Oh well… I’m a patient woman.

Call me a nerd, but I’ve wanted to do a labyrinth walk for years. I have no idea why.. it’s just one of those things (like the nautilus) that I see and I like and then I become semi-obsessed with. I have dreams of building my own labyrinth in my side yard out of rocks and flowers. But tonight, I actually walked one! There’s a church in Portland, probably 2-3 miles from where I work that has a labyrinth on a canvas and they open it up to the public once a month or so. Now, I’m not religious at all and I’ve probably stepped foot in a church a total of 10 times in my life (half of them at a daycare center when I was a nanny, once I went with a boyfriend on Christmas, a few times I went wtih friends when I was kid, and once to a wedding in a catholic church). Oh, and once I blew a tire on my car when I veered trying to avoid a squirrel and hit the curb… wanted to see if they had a phone but the door was locked - typical!

Anyhoo, so it’s slightly intimidating for me to walk into a church, but J came with me and I think he was even more intimidated so I felt pretty confidant. We walked in and it was dark so I was sort of blinded and we tripped in looking intimdated and out of place, and there were 2 ladies sitting at a table. They asked if we were there for the labyrinth walk and we said yes they sounded very excited, yet very surprised. We were the only ones there, and we had to take off our shoes. There was a live guitar player playing relaxing music and two taper candles lit on either side of the entrance to the labyrinth.

I assume everyone knows what a labyrinth is. It’s not a maze like some people think, there’s one way in and one way out, so you don’t get lost. the path leads to the center and then out again. LIke this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Labyrinth_1_%28from_Nordisk_familjebok%29.png (LOVE wikipedia!). Anyway, a lot of churches use them as a form of walking meditation or prayer. J was going to back out but since we were the only ones there, he did it too. Basically you just follow the path on the floor, back and forth until you get the center. You cna think of a question and sometimes people come up with answers. I asked a question but didnt’ really get an answer. It woudl be nicer to do it totally alone and take your time, sit in the center, etc. but I didn’t. I just slowly walked back out and by then there was an older lady walking it too… there’s not a lot of room to pass people so that was a little distracting. I wouldnt’ want to do it with tons of people because your concentration would constantly be broken. Anyway, I left feeling invigorated and happy, but I dont’ know fi that was because of the labyrinth itself, becuase of the nice ladies, or because I’d finally done something I’d wanted to do for a long time. Anyway… highly recommend it and I’ll do it again!

Then I had my piano lesson and stalled the whole time and just got my teacher talking (not hard) because I hadn’t practiced my song at all. She saw right through me but she was ok with that… we’re all adults after all. : ) Then I got my Cider House Rules music and she played that. So pretty!! So sad!! So good!! I’m going to love practicing that this week.

I’m psyched because tomorrow is Friday and I’ll be out of the office half the day on a field trip (with my whole dept. doh!) but it should make the day go by fast. And a free lunch, so that’s nice too. My whole mini-dept. was gone today unexpectedly so I had a quiet day, which was nice.. .no irritations, but then I got bored and missed them. : ) Never happy, this one. Then we have an “advanced kayaking strokes” class on Saturday… then one more week of work and I’m on VACATION!!! whooooooo hoooooo! There will be gardening, there will be weeding, there will be mulching, there will be copious amounts of dirt under my fingernails, and there will (unfortunatley) still be no cocktails. double doh! Who planned this 30 day stint for vacation time anyway? grr. We are also thinkign about taking a day trip to Boston and also doing a kayaking day trip. And then Thur-Sun my sister, bro in-law and nephew will be here. I can’t wait!

The bird mites I think are under control. J removed the nest from under the porch, we’ve been keeping the cats out fo the bedroom and office (sorry boys) and showering, vacuuming, and doing laundry constantly.

In my new spirit of adventure and trying new things… are you ready? Instead of the Oreo twisted frosty at Wendy’s, I got the cookie dough twisted frosty. : ) Not nearly as good, by the way. But hey, life is full of risks and rewards. Yikes, I’m prolific tonight. I can’t stop. A few more things.. working on web design at work (yes, I’m a copywriter but the designers write copy, so what the hell) so now I’m motivated to do a bunch of online training… dreamweaver, etc. so I can really make it good. That will take time, but it’s the only thing I really “own” at work so I’m going to make it cool.

One more thing. Borders Bookstore moved to town about a year ago, which of course I love. But about a 1/2 mile (if that) down the street is a local bookstore called Bookland, which is a really nice bookstore. Not a whole in the wall, but a bit store with a nice cafe and really nice selection… Well, you know how this works. I had my writing group there on Tuesday and realized I hadn’t been there forever. They seem to be taking an intersting approach to the cocmpetition. They’re buying a lot of used books and then putting them on the shelf next to the new ones and advertising it as an environmentally friendly/affordable option. Kudos for them for trying to make it work. I hope they succeed! And yes… I will start shopping there more and borders less, because they have way better food… and… weird thing. When I lived in Alexandria, Virginia many years ago in a lovely townhouse, I lived 2 doors down for the very owner of the Brunswick Bookland! How weird is that? Pretty dang weird.

And now I’ve lulled you to sleep and it’s time for me to take a shower, straighten my frizz ball hair and keep reading the Botany of Desire, which is still amazing.

and feelin’ it. I donated blood tonight. I never feel great afterward, but at least this time I was smart and did it in the evening, so I can just go to bed and then wake up feeling fabulous. But I got home and J was out working in the garden and it looked so deliciously fun so I joined in (separately). He had his headphones on listening to a Great Course on audio. That’s this company that started sending me stuff in the mail and it’s really cool. They have college courses talk by great professors on really interesting subjects. I’m the kind of nerd who loved college (liberal arts) so I ordered a Jazz course…history of Jazz, which I, er, still haven’t finished. But it’s really good! So J started looking through the catalog and he’s in this sort of religious phase…not as in being religious, but interested in religions. He’s been reading a lot of books about buddhism and now he’s really into the history of Christianity. I like this stuff too, being never brought up in any particular religion, I look at it from a pretty detached perspective, but like to learn about it. His parents think he’s becoming born again since he borrowed their bible. Neither one of our families is religious.

Annnyyhooo… so he was working on the side of the house in my shade garden. That’s a little neglected corner where stuff is really doing good. Have 3 huge hostas, a giant Jacob’s Ladder, some foxglove seeds I planted last spring (as in 2007) that finally came up, some Jack in the Pulpits I dug from the woods, trilliums from the b-ham plant sale, 2 hydrangeas (one oak leaf), a veronica, probably something else. Anyway, the weeds dont’ get too bad over there so I never go over there. (oh, some primroses too) but the plants are getting too big for the bed so J is expanding the bed outward a bit.  I decided to work in my weed garden, which is really my favorite. I planted the peony my mom brought - gorgeous, the lilac. Both lilacs are in that bed and I worry they’ll get too big, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Also planted a poppy my brough and something I don’t know what it is. I also planted a thyme and chives that I got from the grocery store to add to my potted herb garden-on-the-front-stoop. And watered my window boxes and fuschias. And did a little weeding.

Then I cut some of my absolutely stunningly gorgeous irises with the plan to bring them to my 3 coworkers (2 coworkers, 1 boss) as a truce for being a bitch to them lately (even if it was deserved). Life is too short to hold a grudge, right? It’s just effing work. And wouldn’t I like to be known as “the nice one” ? That would kind of of cool. I honestly dont’ think I could keep it up long enough to get a nickname, but at least one nice gesture would be a step up.

Oh! So at the Red Cross, they gave me free pizza for dinner! (speaking of nice). And a free Red Sox T-shirt. Not that I give 2 shits about the red sox, but hey whatever. I can learn. I don’t currently have a baseball team to speak of. How bout them Celtics huh? I won’t pretend to know anything at all about basketball, or pretend that I watched any of the games, but I heard they won something. Us New Englanders are going to get spoiled here.

Guess that’s all for tonight…

dealing with stress. I want a cocktail! No red wine! A goddamn cigarette!!!! ARGHH. I honestly can’t tell if my life has recently gotten really bad or if I just can’t deal with it without my vices. I’ve officially turned to food for comfort…having a smoothie right now. Today was really hard. BUT, the good news is that I now have PMS so I actually have an excuse to be a grumpy bitch.

And now i’ll try to use logic to make me happier. I have a job that pays better than anything else I’ll ever find in this godforsaken state. If I could learn to get along with my coworkers again (which could be a real challenge now that I know them for the bratty, self-centered egotistical twats that they are) and could just accept the fact that I”ll never get any respect or recognition, I’m sure I could learn to be happy there again. Are you convinced? Yeah, me neither, but what’s the option?

Had my writing group tonight and that went well. There is a new woman in it, which is normally something I’d freak out over (I just learned to trust the other 7 of them! Now a new person! Ugh!) but I think she is ok. I would like to do better at giving feedback. I don’t say much except to read what I write. I should be more encouraging. I’ll work on that. They are all very encouraging. Someone said tonight “you have a way of getting into the minds of these young women.” and I said ‘yeah it’s all the same young woman though… a bitter, callous young woman. ” a la me. But it’s sweet that they think it’s fiction.

I read the first chapter in Michael Pollan’s the Botany of Desire. Not only do I absolutely love love love that title, but it’s a really book! The book’s premise is that plants have coevolved with us and that the plants make us do things for them. So they evolve into things that taste sweet, or intoxicate us, or are beautiful, etc. and tap into our base human instincts in order for them to survive. The first chapter is about the apple. Really fascinating stuff… certainly stuff I never knew about apples and I’m a damn gardener. In fact, I planted 2 (pathetic) apple trees in my back yard. Like, for instance, all apples we eat are grafted. You cant’ grow them from seed becuase an apple seed will end up nothing like it’s parent. Apples originated in Kazakhstan and most of them are inedible. Some look like olives, some look like baseballs, some are red, some are dusty, etc. etc. etc. in a gazillion different combinations! And there’s a bunch of stuff about Johnny Appleseed (john chapman) who was actually a real person. A very eccentric real person. And most people only grew apples so they could make hard cider, though it wasn’t called hard because that’s all there was until refrigeration. Packed with info that book is!

The bird mites have me down. I’m not gonna lie. So time to take a shower (2 showers a day is the norm now) and vacuum the bed off and hope for the best. We have house guests coming in 2 weeks and I have a feeling that a bird mite infestation will not be looked upon favorably. Especially with a 17 month old baby.