Thanks for the fish

J bought some krill oil capsules, which are like fish oil capsules, but better. I guess krill are some type of antarctic shrimp…high in Omega 3, dha, etc, etc. I take fish oil sometimes and it makes me dream like crazy. Well, krill oil seems to have the same effect. This is by far the weirdest dream I have had in a long time.

Me, my mom, my dad, and this girl from work, A (not sure how she ended up in my dream, though now that I think about it, she’s been in several dreams I’ve had…weird, let’s analyze that later) and maybe my sisters had gone on a trip of some sort and came back (perhaps from a train trip) and we went to find our car in a city-like place to go home. It wasn’t a super busy city, but just a street where there were some business buildings, parking meters, etc. We walk up to the car and notice that all of our purses are sitting on the roof of the car. Duh! How idiotic! WE left our purses on top of the car all day. (eyes rolling). Then I pull out my wallet and everything is there and I say to my dad “See, this is the great thing about living in Maine. Nobody even stole anything!” My dad walks into a building. Just then, a truck or armored car like vehicle pulls up and a scraggly middled-aged white lady winds down the window and says to me (I’m on the curb side of the car, so she has to say this over the car) “I don’t want to have to shoot you so give me the diamonds. Then I rememeber that there is a bag of uncut diamonds like in a ziplock type bag on top of the car too…a hole big honking bag of them. My first reaction is fuck it, I’m not going to die for diamonds, so I pick the bag up and am about the toss it to her and then I look at my mom and say “Is dad going to kill me if I do this?” and she shrugs as if to say “yes” without actually saying yes. I hold on to the bag, stalling, and I want my dad to come out to tell me what to do. Then I start thinking about it and decide I don’t want him to come out becuase I don’t want him to get shot. Meanwhile, I keep stalling and she waits patiently.

Then, a cop of some sort is standing beside me, but she doesnt’ see him. He has a giant metal arm that he is maneuvering over the armored vehicle, cutting a hole in the top of it. I keep stalling, hoping she odesn’t notice. At this point, I don’t think I can give up the diamonds. I’m sort of frozen. He keeps cutting and then lowers a claw like thing into the vehicle and it wraps around her hand where she’s holding the gun. Then it wraps around her neck and starts strangling her. I’m saved.

Weird, huh? The funny thing was that I felt like I hadn’t even gotten to sleep. I went to bed at 10 and then looked at the clock at 12 and thought, jeez, I’m never going to get to sleep. And then I realized that I had had that dream. Or else I had the dream later and just revised history. Who knows. Anyway, just took today’s dose of krill oil so I can’t wait to see what dreams I have tonight! Assuming I sleep, which is still a problem.

Tonight was jogging night. We’re doing 90 seconds jogging, 2 minutes walking. I’m in rough shape. We do this for 20 minutes and I’m a wheezing mess by the end (actually from the beginning). I know if I stopped smoking I could do better, but I’m not willing to give that up. Besides I only smoke about 5 a day. 8 at the most. That’s not very much, but definitely enough to feel it in my lungs.

Twas a beautiful day. Blue skies, hot, not too humid. Threat of the daily thundershower but none materialized. Our veggie garden is kicking ass. WE have corn!! I’ve never grown corn before so this is super exciting… purple silky fibers are starting to appear. Wow. And the tomatoes have lots of green tomatoes on the vines, and Oh!!! the squash!! I love squash like a baby loves her mama and there are oodles and oodles of squash on the vines. It took forever to flower, but when it did, it flowered like crazy. By the way, squash flowers are very very pretty. As are eggplant flowers. We have a fence, but I’m scared the deer will jump over it. The squash vines (actually everything in teh garden) have gotten HUGE this year. I think it’s all the cow manure we put on. Some of teh squash vines have escaped the fence and I’m afriad the deer will get a taste for it and then be motivated to jump inside. Oh well… I guess worrying about it won’t do any good.

At one point today I had this bad feeling. The feeling you get when you have a weird encounter with someone and feel guilty, or awkward, or ashamed, or bad about yourself. So I went to review the situation in my head so I could make snese of it, and I couldn’t even figure out what the situation was. In other words, I felt bad for no reason. How stupid! And yet knowing nothing happened didn’t help. I could not talk myself into feeling better. It was strange. So then I thought maybe it was something I ate. ? I don’t know.. maybe I’m just kooky.

Having a martini and enjoying the night. There’s really no point worrying about decisions you may never have to make. Tomorrow may come and I will have to make decisions I didn’t see coming, and other options will never materialize, nulling those decisions entirely. I guess I’ll see what life has to offer me (while doing what I can to make sure I get what I want as best I can.)

I am totally swamped at work. Have juicy meaty projects that I’m totally overwhelmed with, but I have decided that I want to win an award. J says that’s a bad goal because I have no control over it. But screw it. I wanna award! So that is my goal.

Still loving A Wild Sheep Chase. Read it! He is wonderful! Next on my list is “When god was a woman” by Merlin Stone. : ) Yes… feeling a touch manic.

Maybe the answer is keeping as busy as possible. Therefore, I am suddenly manic.

1) I’m totally into my job and am going to kick ass on all my projects and become totally indispensable. I even brought home some scintillating reading about health literacy.

2) The adult education fall schedule is out and there are a ton of classes I want to sign up for. I think the ones I actually will sign up for our Beginning French - I’ve been looking for a French class for a while. I can’t speak a word of it currently and mispronounce everything evenly remotely french. I live close to Quebec (well, 5 hours away) so I could actually use it. And I’ve always loved learning languages. They also have a Beginning Watercolor course and I’d like to take that too. And finally, ballroom and latin dancing! whoo hoo! Of course, if I do sign up for all fo these, that would mean I have something to do just about every night of the week. Hmm… maybe that’s not a bad thing.

3) I’m on a mission to reduce the size of my ass. I measured myself last night and as embarrassing as this is to admit, it was 43 inches! Holy mother of god. I will get it down to a semi-reasonable 40. (in my own defense, I do have wide hips).

4) I’m on a mission to feel mentally fit, energetic, and positive. I will make this happen! Was very tired and listless today but tried anyway. Now I’m on the search for teh right diet, supplements, and exercise to make me feel good. Tonight I tried CoQ10 and krill oil. And some vitamins. And after eating 1 fruit all day, I gorged on fruits and vegetables for dinner. Now I’m up to 4 for the day. I may do some meditating shortly.

5) Reading, education, being the smartest person alive.

These are my modest goals. Now I’m going to do some online Dreamweaver training, do some writing, memorize 3 pages of Cider House Rules, keep reading “A Wild Sheep Chase (love it!!) and go to bed.

approximate mentality of a cranky two year old this morning, and managed to carry the mood all day. : ) I think I now know why cranky 2 year olds are cranky though and I’m sure this will come as no surprise to anyone who’s been anywhere near one. They’re tired! My sleeping patterns are effed up. I know it’s only July but I swear this seasonal depression thing is affecting me already. I’m depressed and panicky and can’t sleep for crap. But now that I have figured out what is causing it (and have decided that it’s not just because my life is totally off track and directionless like I was starting to think), now I’m determined to do something about it.

Yes, it’s time for the yearly quest to manage my mental state! We’re on week 2 of our running program. This week we jog for 90 seconds, walk for 2 minutes, and then alternate that for 20 minutes. It was hard and I was a pathetic, sweaty, wheezing mess, but I did it! I was already feeling fatigued from lack of sleep, but now I feel quite good. Of all the anti-stress, anti-depressant techniques I’ve tried (and I’ve tried many of them) I really think exercise is the most effective. I get sort of a high from it. Plus it makes me feel better about myself, so that’s a bonus too. Now I’m using up my fresh local potatoes and making home fries with chicken sausage and drinking an o’douls.

The people in my writing group are a bunch of slackers. No one will find anywhere for us to meet so I tired, but failed. Now B - the guy who everyone loves but who makes himself scarce (and thus more valuable to the group) by only showing up once a month or so, has decided not to come tomorrow. Now everyone wants to cancel! grrr. So annoying. But I’ve been writing anyway. I don’t really have a plot, but why not start unfinished book #3! Hey, it’s better than giving up. I think if I just get all my thoughts down, it could possibly morph into something (magically).

The rain held off all day. Yay! It’s been a humid few weeks, which is unusual for around here. We went shopping in Freeport - tourist central. I got 2 new outfits from Anne Klein. Then we went to Dick’s and I bought new running shoes, an exercise outfit, and a sweatshirt. I’m ready to become a fit, toned, buff runner!

asphixiation watching “the notebook” and sobbing so damn hard. Holy god. I was coughing and wheezing and moaning, it wasnt’ pretty. Then J tried to intervene and see if I was ok, and I’m one of those people that really don’t like to get interupted during movies (I get very into them) and told him to “get the hell off me!” Now my face is puffy and I’m still on the verge of a breakdown. Whaaaa!

Anyway….breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out… Ok, so the sun was out today! We thought about going kayaking but I looked around the garden and decided it was a little too early in the season to officially give up on it yet. So I systematically started at one end of the house and worked my way over, weeding and tidying up as best I could. I took the window boxes down and ripped out the pathetic dead flowers that have been hanging over them for 3 weeks. I guess tomorrow I should go buy some late season annuals, though it doesn’t really seem worth the trouble.

Then I finished the cheesey self help book I was reading, did 5 minutes of meditating, worked on memorizing the first 2 pages of Cider House Rules, and made dinner. Feeling discontent but trying to talk myself into being happy. The Notebook didn’t help. But damn Ryan Gosling is one hot mutha. (tiger growl… don’t know how you would spell that. : ) )

about how many people around you that you never suspected are either in therapy or on antidepressants/antianxiety meds? I always think I’m the most effed up person in the crowd. most depressed, most anxious. Well I’m starting to think that it’s because I’m the only one not on meds! Anyway, the only reason I thought of that was because I had a few glasses of red wine last night and then took a tylenol pm just to be sure I’d sleep and man did I sleep like a rock. Now I come from a family that very much frowns on medicine. My mother and sisters will sit there in pain rather than take an advil or tylenol. I’m sort of the misfit of the family in that regard. Now I want to go to the doctor and get a) sleeping pills b) prozac c) xanax and d) amphetamines.

Well, I’m tired. time for beddy bye.

an arc. The rain is incessant, and it’s not just regular rain. This is pouring, torrential, tropical, tornadic rain that hasn’t stopped for about a week. After half a bottle of red wine, I passed out at 9 and then woke up 2 am in a slight panic attack. Then laid there and listened to the rain, and the thunder, and watched the lightening. Finally went down and pooped around online, then more laying in bed till the sun came up, at which time I went to sleep. Why can I never fall back asleep till the sun comes up? I’m deliriously tired now and intelligently finishing off the red wine so I can relive the whole experience tonight! Yeah… some evolutionary genes I just did not get.

We had a mini-department outing this afternoon and went to see Mamma Mia! I’d actually seen the show years ago when I lived in DC and it was cute, though I actually think I like the movie better. It was really good. There’s some slight tension on the department. I hate to say it, but I’ve sort of been ganging up on a coworker with another coworker. I don’t approve of my own behavior. But I have to admit that for once it’s nice to be on the giving end rather than the receiving end of a big ol’ snubfest. But I know how karma works so I need to cut it out. Plus, it’s just mean.

Man, oh man… what can I say. Maybe I’m just tired but I’m starting to think that I need a major change in my life. I love my life. I’m happier than ever, but I just have nowhere left to grow. Am I supposed to be doing this and only this for the rest of my life? That thought scares the shit out of me. I just dont’ think I can do it. I think I may need to go out and buy a fire engine red mini cooper. I’m too young and childless to be driving around in a station wagon. Why yes, I AM having a mid-life crisis.

so I got an email today from this company, a nonprofit education organization, and apparently they want me to apply for their “Director of National Marketing” position. My old boss in VA gave them my name and I am very flattered, but frankly, I’m not comfortable with that level of responsibility. This is not one of those instances where I really want something but feel unworthy or insecure… It’s just not what I’m interested in. But then the question is.. .how do I respond to this without sounding like an unambitous clod? How many other peopel would kill for this opportunity? Should I rise to this occasion and go for it? But honestly, pretending to be all intelligent and caring about the future of the children and stuff (not that I don’t) is really too much for me. I only have enough ernestness to get me through the day… I don’t have enough to share. sigh.. am I totally pathetic and directionless? Tell me the truth.

oh how I’ve missed you! I’m in a pms-y, depressed, wanton mood tonight and am therefore burying my sorrows in red wine. However, I would like to say something worthwhile here since I feel like I don’t do that very often. Unfortunately I don’t know what that would be. So in leui of that, I will complain about my coworker, A.

A is a very nice guy, who is much younger than me and perhaps I’m at a point in my life where I’ve lost touch with the younger generation. He drives me absolutely insane. We both work for the same boss whose definition of “management” is indeed very loose. In other words, we’re on our own. So there is a project that no one is in charge of (like many other projects in our department), and A somehow became the defacto leader. I know I should cut him some slack since he’s only 26, but come ON. So he calls a meeting today, books the meeting room wrong so we’re all wandering around aimlessly (there was also free ice cream involved so that distracted everyone even more), we finally get in a room and he has no agenda. So we sit there and stare at each other (4 of us). Finally I take over teh meeting (for the 2nd time in a week with him) just so something gets done. Instead of actually talking about work that we have control over, he likes to think of how we can do something better than other departments and how we can “guide” those other departments into doing what we want. Dude… not gonna happen. I have nearly screamed at him a dozen times in the last 2 weeks: JUST DO IT! Do your damn job. Not mine (has been a problem in the past), not anyone else’s. Just yours. And stop asking qusetions you meddling youngster! ARGGHHH.

Other than that, there are way too many cute guys in my workplace that make me wish I was young, good looking, and single. (biting my fist). SIGH! Why do I have to be old and married? WHY ME???

Ok, pity party is over. What now? hmm… I really think I have a gene that predisposes me to want men more than your average bear. Do you think that’s possible? I think this a subject worthy of exploring. Perhaps with a tight bodied Italian. Anyhoo… time for piano practice! And writing! And red wine drinking (3/4 of a bottle to go!) My sinuses hurt already.

So I’ve been reading some self help books lately and they have me convinced that I can do whatever I put my mind to! The problem is.. what do I want? I don’t know. As a woman, I have the never ending quest for beauty and perfection, but that one is getting a little old. Sure, I can always strive to be healthier and happier and have better hair and better clothes. But what do I really want to accomplish? When you’re in school, your goal is to graduate, get a good job. Then you keep trying for better jobs and better salaries. And then you reach your 30s… I have the job I want. I’m most likely not going to get paid better if I go to a different company (if I could even find a similar job at a different company). I’ve traveled fairly extensively… would like to travel more, but there isn’t really anywhere I’m dying to go. Even Africa is sort of losing its appeal. I’ve done some daring things, gotten over some fears. I’m by no means perfect, but it seems that I just don’t have any huge things I want to accomplish.

And then it occurred to me… oh yeah.. I was going to write a book! I think I’ve written this same exact post about a dozen times. How could I have this life long goal that I keep forgetting about. Did I smoke too much pot as a youth? Is the memory going already? And then I really start to overanalyze things and think, if I did write a book, then I’d have absolutely nothing to strive for. Then it would all be pointless. Should I just start picking goals randomly. Shouldn’t I be more ambitious and want to be president or something? But anyway. Ok, repetitious pep talk coming up.

I am going to write a book, starting tonight. I have an idea, which I won’t share, because all writers know that to share it is to lose it. I think I’ve chosen something that fits my personality, is something I think about a lot, and can be really funny. I won’t worry about whether it will sell or any of that stuff. I am just going to write it. Every day until it is done.

So, yes, I do believe that anyone can do pretty much what they set their mind to. The trick is to just keep doing it every day. That’s why I did yoga last night, and I’m running tonight, even though I have a stomach ache and my lungs are burning already.

Anyway, speaking of traveling, I also decided that I need to plan a vacation. For me, planning it is just as much fun as actually doing it (some times even more so). And the further ahead you plan it, the more time you can spend looking forward to it! Anticipation is just one of my favorite things. I don’t want to spend a ton of money, and I don’t want to go far, far away, but I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before. I think I’ll plan it for January/February because it’s never too early to plan a winter vacation. My first thought was Bermuda, but I think maybe it’s not super warm there in winter. Plus it’s very expensive. But it sounds impressive. My second thought was Grand Cayman. I have heard nothing but good things about this island. I think it’s expensive too, but frankly, I’m willing to splurge on a really great hotel, but not willing to spend a lot on airfare. After all, flying is a total nightmare so why do I want to splurge on that? I need to talk to J and see what he thinks. I’ve also always wanted to go to Jamaica, though maybe I’ve outgrown that and just haven’t realized it yet

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080720/ts_alt_afp/usreligion makes me happy. : ) It’s about 3 catholic female priests who are about to be ordained. Of course, they will be excommunicated by the vatican, but they don’t seem too worried about that. That’s what I like to see! Sistahs taking things into their own hands. I find it almost funny (almost) the shit that people get away wtih when it comes to treating women like second class citizens. I will say this once: the end is near for that crap.

Well… I just realized that I’ve had a lovely day. Me and J started a running program like we do every 3 or 4 years. Yesterday I declared “I’m going to become a runner!” And since he’s so easily influenced, and also because I know he longs to be a runner too, he downloaded a program that helps you get ready for 5ks, etc. So today we started with 60 seconds of running, 90 seconds of walking for 20 minutes. The last 3 runs were a bit tough for me, especially with my current tar filled lungs, but I made it! It’s humid as all get out tonight too so I was basically drenched in sweat when I got back. Now I’m showered and clean and smell fantastic, and I love my hair.

I finished a book called The Wisdom of Solitude, which is about a woman who goes on a solitary retreat in the new england woods for 100 days in the winter. Yeah, I could do that. I think I will do that! Someday. Now I’m reading a book called “Feel the fear and do it anyway” which is sort of my new philosophy. The title sounded so cool but it’s possible it’s just antoher cheesey self help book from the 80s. We’ll see. I’m going to read some good fiction soon - maybe A Wild Sheep Chase. I like to alternate between ficiton and non-fiction so as to keep balanced and such.

I made a crockpot chicken recipe but in the end I threw it in a pot and ended up making chicken and dumplings out of it instead. I was afraid it was going to be too bland, so I figured dumplings make everything better, and it was good. I also made summer berry cobbler though I had to cook it about 3 times longer than required to get the doughy part to cook through. My oven seems to take longer than recipes call for. IN fact, I think I’m in some sort of time warp down here in the woods. All of my flowers take a week longer to bloom than ones on top of the hill. I’m in a wormhole.

It’s been raining constantly here. Torrential downpours mostly. The squash in garden didn’t seem to get pollinated. Very weird. But everything else looks good. The japanese beetles continue to decimate my hollyhocks and roses.