Thanks for the fish

for a very non-casseroley kind of day. It’s 80 degrees so I thought what better way to heat up the house even more than to make a hot casserole that requires every single burner and a 450 degree oven! Actually, today is Farmer’s Market day at work and I feel obliged to buy everything he has so I can revel in the bounty of summer. So I bought carrots, potatoes, beet greans, kale, beans, and peas. All for $6.50! I had to ask him twice and then I just shrugged and wrote the check. It’s unbelievable how cheap you can get awesome fresh produce.

My first thought was that the potatoes and kale would go perfect with the frozen local kielbasa I still had in my freezer, so I googled it and found a recipe for potato, kale, and kielbasa casserole. Um, yum. The proportions were all wrong and I didn’t have onions, and I threw in beet greans (which turned the mashed potatoes red), so I guess I can’t blame the recipe. I mean, it’s not bad, but it’s not knocking my socks off either. And it’s really hot. And I’m already sweating. And I spent half an hour cleaning the kitchen after I made it.

I got a tub of margarita mix for my birthday. You pour a bottle of tequila in and then put it in the freezer. I wish it was ready but I don’t think it is.  What else? Seems like I had a ton of things to write about…now I’m drawing a blank. Oh, did I mention that J bought 4 tons of pellets? We don’t have a pellet stove yet, but I think he made the right decision. I figure we can always sell off the pellets if we have to. Meanwhile, we are still searching for a pellet stove that is in stock and comes with a smart person who can tell us where to put it. The whole state has gone pellet stove crazy. To the point where people are sending out mass emails to my entire company (400 people) asking for info on them. I don’t know if they are the very best solution or not, but I figure that they can at least be produced domestically, so that’s got to be a good thing, right? Need more casserole…

Welll, I don’t have the heart to walk around the garden, especially the rose garden, so I’m avoiding it. So it’s all drying up in the heat and dying. I guess I always get to the point where I just give up on the garden. its’ sad, but I just don’t have a lot of endurance for these things. From my window, it looks good though. Last night I dumped more japanese beatle stuf on my roses. Bastards. The wild chicory is blooming along the sides of the road…soooo pretty.

My dad is going to help me with my bathroom. Since the day I ripped the medicine cabinet and lights off the wall, nothing else has been done. I did buy the paint, but I realized that oh yeah, I didn’t know what the eff I was doing. So he’s going to cut me some type of board to hang the little lights on and help me patch up the drywall. Then I just need to prime and paint (that much I can do). It’s nice having my parents living close. : )

Work, or rather people at work, are driving me batty, but my self esteem has recovered, partly because of smoking. I know it’s killing me, but for some reason it does seem to boost my confidence so I really don’t care what people think of me. Well.. ramble ramble ramble… guess I’ll find something to occupy my time..

does self esteem not be an issue? I don’t get it… I’m 34 and feel like I’m junior high half the time. All around me are confident, socially adept people who seem totally comfortable in their own skin. And then there’s me.

Ok, funny story. As I’m still recovering from a weekend with people much younger and much more fun, I have this experience this morning. Everyone in the company has to sign up for this HR bullshit where we learn our “brand promise” and how to make our customers the happiest people in the world. Ok, I’m a writer. I sit in my cube and type on my keyboard, and then I email what I write to someone else. That’s the extent of my contact with “the customer.” Nonetheless, I must attend one of these workshops. I go. There are assigned seats. They purposely put you next to people you don’t know. One of them is some bitch from HR. the other is some random guy. Every other table has 5 or 6 people..w.e have 3. That is… drumroll please…until our effing COO walks in and plonks down at my table. Great. I’m awkward around absolutely everyone. But people in power really really really make me nervous. Actually he’s not just at my talbe, but actually right next to me. Great.

Also, let me say that it was 8:30 on a Monday morning after one of the most tiring weekends of my life. But I know what kind of guy he is (powerful and knows it, cocky, arrogant and will make you pay for it if you don’t kiss his ass…sure you know the type) so I suck it up and actually smile at him. He smiles back and sits down. Then there’s some fluffy HR crap. Then we get to an ice breaker. And it involves role playing! Yay! My favorite. We have to introduce each other adn pretend we have a certain personality trait that’s written on our name tag. Goody. Mine says “energetic and enthusiastic” which by the way is the exact opposite of my actual personaltiy. I gave it my best shot. Then we had to guess what everyone was supposed to be. HR bitch looks confused and gueses that I was trying to be “shy and withdrawn” at which point I say “NO you fucking bitch, that’s my REAL personality” ha ha. Just kidding. I didn’t say the “no you fucking bitch” part. Then we get to hear how energetic and enthusiastic people make people feel warm and fuzzy and how we should all (me especially I’m sure) bury those parts of our personalities (like shyness and withdrawness) so as not to make our customers feel bad. Great start to my morning. To recap: I’m a horrible person with a shitty personality and I should just suddenly learn to get a new personality or perhaps find a job where I don’t have to pain people  by actually interacting with them.

Then I have to look at pictures of my ugly self from the horrendous rafting trip, which though I enjoyed it a fair amoutn at the time, I have now created into a horrible experience in my mind. And I absolutely totally hate my hair. I’m a hideous creature. Oh, and I have so much work to do at work I feel like slitting my wrists. Wait, there was something else I was going to whine about but J started talking and I forgot it. Damn!

But thank god for small miracles - I had my writing group tonight. I still feel like the odd person out in that group (it’s inevitable) but i still love it and they always have lots of nice things to say about my writing, even if it isn’t very good. But they do always mention how I write about teh same young professional disgruntled girl. This time she had a horrible phobia of clowns.

Anyhoo…it’s possible I have pms. It’s also possible I am at a weird age in life somewhere between being young and being not so young. My new goal is to start hanging out with people my age or older than me, because it’s doing me no good to go younger. No more younger friends. No more younger crushes (especially of the 18 year old grocery store cashier variety). From now on, I will only lust after male coworkers who are over 40. Then I’ll feel young and sexy because after all, its’ all relative. Our VP of IT is pretty cute, ironically enough.

Yeah, so I bought 3 hair style magazines and I’m determined to chop this hideous crap off my head and get something easier, neater, and more professional and stop pretending that I am in a renaissance painting by Botticelli. Because I’m not.

Books: I got “French Women don’t get fat” and a vegetarian cookbook from bookmooch. Trying to finish Everyman so I can stop having existential nightmares (had one druing the rafting/camping trip and woke up screaming in the middle of the night). Well… so I’m going through a negative phase. Could it be because the days are getting shorter? Or is July too soon to start getting SAD? I think I need therapy.