Thanks for the fish

So I’m love with both Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. I’ve been watching, via Netflix, The Power of Myth. You know how there is always that question that gets asked…who would you have dinner with if you could have dinner with anyone? And I’m always at a loss here. there are people I admire. There are people I lust after. But I’m an awkward person and I really don’t want to actually meet most of my “heros.” Not that I really have heros. I admire the dalai lama. I admire Hillary Clinton But I don’t really have any “heroes.” But watching this series (from 1983 or something) I realize that damn! would I like to have a really good conversation with someone… a conversation about myth and psychology and Jung and the collective unconscous and the meaning (or non meaning) of effing life! Joseph Campbell is the person I’d like to have that conversation with. Or Bill Moyers. He is so damn cute! I mean I get totally lost in their conversation so I give him credit for even keeping up.

So, back at the beginning of this blog, I was want to ramble on about all this mumbo jumbo and I’ve stopped recently to talk about health problems and the fact that I hate work, etc. etc. But this stuff is what gets me excited! I just fall in love with anyone who can help me access this part of my brain. It’s the eternal mystery. Once, I had a (part of a) night with a man, who was just a man, but I thought for a moment that he could teach me something about the mystery. I guess that’s what I’ve always been looking for. But I guess the point is that you have to find the mystery for yourself. But damn, that felt good for a night.

I’ve been doing weird things lately. Weird anonymous things that will have no bearing on my life, but ulitmately show that I am bored and am in need of some excitement in my life. Is this a cyclical thing? Or am I just forever discontent? I appreciate J more and more as time goes on. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thanking god (or whoever, whatever) that I wasn’t stupid enough to let him go. And yet, I still have some rogue part of me that wants to throw it all away for a little bit of something else. But I know that whatever I’ll get from someone else won’t be what I’m lookign for. What can I say? I have high standards. I want it all… I want to fulfill my lust, discover the eternal mystery, have some excitement, yet retain all the comforts and joys of my life as it is. It’s quite a conundrum.

Anyway, I’m going to reread a book I have called “the power of coincedence” or something like that. I’m also trying to read “suite francaise” but am not getting very far. I’m also trying to finish up a short story to submit for my first ever writing contest entry but I rewrite it every week in a slightly different way. There are just too many possibilities. The thing with telling a story out loud is that you can change it every time (and I do!). But writing it down… you have to pick an end. I’m brilliant with beginnings…oh the possibilities! But the endings are death. You pick one and that’s it. It’s hard. I’ve written 6 different versions and none have ended. But…even if it sucks, I’m paying my $12 and will submit this sucker. I am also going to go back to my writing group, who I have ditched.

Ramble ramble ramble. I took the day off exercising and decided to have 2 cocktails, which is all crazy for me lately! That’s a good sign. I’m shitfaced off of TWO cocktails. And I love Ritz crackers, which I got free at Hannaford with a web coupon this week. And I hate work. Amen. That’s all I needed to say.