Thanks for the fish

I apologize ahead of time, but I just have to bitch and moan for about 5 minutes and then I’ll be cool.

My sister is getting on my goddamn nerves. Her and her husband are richer than God. By that, I mean they are twice as rich and me and J. She works at an association, does virtually nothing all day and gets paid upwards of $90K a year. I make less than half that, work a longer day, commute further, and maybe work a teensy bit harder (though I’m not saying I’m a slave, cuz I’m not). We all go down to DC because her mama’s boy husband can’t leave town (and his mommy and daddy) for Xmas and because they have a toddler. My dad tried to bail on Xmas but she begged him to come. Then, we get down there and all she does is look stressed out and moody. I realize she has a toddler. I realize she’s pregnnant. But if you don’t want peopel to stay with you, just say so! Before her and her husband had kids they were all about entertaining. Now, they seem reluctant to give up the role, and yet they obviously cant’ handle it. Look, I would’ve been more than happy to stay in Maine for Xmas, and I fully intend to do so next Xmas.

At any rate, what I’m getting at is this. I wouldn’t hang out with this girl if I was not related to her. She’s uptight. She’s boring, and she was even before she had kids. And the coup de grace…she has absolutely no sense of humor. I admit I’m hard on parents. I also admit that I feel a little left out of the game. ALL my friends have young children. I totally recognize that it changes your life, and I totally recognize that it SHOULD. It’s just time we all realized that we travel in different circles now and we have nothing in common.

That sounds harsh, so let me give you an example of why I’m possibly pissed. Look, I don’t make that much money but I make enough. In fact, I make exactly what an “average” American makes, and I’m cool with that. I have a lovely house, I have more than enough to eat (ask my bathroom scale), I could go on a kick-ass vacation (once…with saved money), I feel completely blessed. AND I can buy snow tires and a Diane von Furstenburg dress. Well… my rich sister caught wind that I bought a fancy dress (and only bought her $40 worth of yarn, a homemade ornament, and a lovely framed picture for Xmas) and made a crack about how she wished she could afford everything I could. Ok, let’s face the facts lady. You pay $30,000 in childcare every year. That’s slightly less than I make in a year. If you can afford to do and still stay ahead, guess what? Shut the eff up.

I don’t know why this pisses me off so much. I really don’t. I’m infuriated.

But anyway, we’re having a “party” tonight with a nacho bar (my idea!), a Guitar Hero tournament, and margaritas, so for now, I’m just swearing off my sister, and going to enjoy the night. I welcome your comments on whether I’m being a bitch or she’s just annoying. Devils’ advocates are more than welcome. Oh.. .she also checked the price of gifts that our cousins bought us ($90!!) and then returned her gift for something else. Who does that?

 

happened to you? You’re talking to someone, maybe someone you just met, or maybe someone you’ve known a long time and they say “I’ve always dreamed of… ” and then they get that misty look in their eyes, and you can’t help but be endeared to the fact that they have a dream. Kind of like me and writing my novel. But what about the other dreams we recurrently have. Like tonight I made homemade pizza and found myself having this recurring fantasy about owning a restaurant, or more likely, a diner or soup kitchen, and I found myself saying dreamily “I’ve always dreamed of having my own restaurant.” If I DID have it, let’s call it a cafe. In fact, let’s call it the Happy Hollow Cafe because that what I call my “estate” here, for no particular reason other than I am happy here. This is what I would serve at the Happy Hollow Cafe:

A daily squash soup in the fall, winter, and early spring. It would involve different varieties of squash, Wolfgang Puck vegetable broth, which I would buy en masse from Woflie himself. He’ll ship giant kegs of it to me specially. Of course it always has onions and garlic and dalmatian sage. But depending on the day, it could have barley or wild rice, kale, green peppers, swiss chard, mushrooms, and then to top it off bacon or sausage, and maybe a specialty cheese.

Once a week, homemade pizza, with alternating cheeses. Fresh mozzarella, buffalo mozzarella imported from Italy, goat cheese, brie?? And seasonal vegetables

My ultra famous (to me) chicken soup with dumplings

Fresh beer bread (my new addiction) daily and a variety of other breads on a daily basis. Maybe homemade bagels one day, challah bread the next… and sandwiches will be served only on the bread of the day.

Cheddar brats. Need I say more?

Seasonal desserts, such as strawberry shortcake, pumpkin cheesecake, and some exotic treats like treacle tart and Quebecois sugar pie.

And of course, my favorite beers and wines to wash it all down.

mentally, not so much. Have you ever been to this site realage.com? They are the guys who write those YOU books, like YOU: on a diet, etc. I subscribe to their newsletter and get healthy living tips  that are usually pretty useful and have a kind of funny, irreverant tone to them. Kudos to their copywriter! You can take a questionnaire and they tell you what your “real age” is. In other words, are you healthier than most people your age or are you aging yourself beyond your true age. So it’s 3 pm and I’m bored as crap at work. My friend D is out all week and she pretty much entertains me all day. Without her, I sit there and don’t talk to anyone and when someone comes by, they just get on my nerves. I become a hermit. I did work most of the day, but by 3, I was done. So I took the Real Age questionnaire. So it pops up that my real age is 32.4. I’m devastated. I read through all the stuff I’m doing wrong. I’m too fat (despite the fact that my BMI is, though on the high end, within healthy levels), I drink too much, smoke too much, don’t eat enough fruits and veggies, eat too much red meat (which I eat hardly any of), etc. etc. Then, to get really detailed, I take the “nutrition analysis.” Then after roughly an hour and a half of effing around with this, I realize that I am in fact 34 years old, so 32.4 is actually doing pretty damn good! doh.

Nonetheless, I am already crafting my healthy living plan for 2009. You’ve heard it all before… quit smoking for good, moderate my drinking habits (1 per day), more fruits and veggies, more exercise, etc. etc. In addition to following my bliss, writing my novel, forging awesome new friendships, and becoming practically perfect in every way! I’ll unveil my full plan soon.

Went to the gym tonight and did 30 minutes on the elliptical machine and then about 15 minutes of weigths and felt freaking fantastic. I think I’m positioned very well for achieving perfection next year. I’ve even thought of some cool ideas for my novel. Now I need to do some writing exercises because I have sworn to myslef that I will write every day and I’m not 100% sure rambling counts!

hmm hmm…boy is it good to be home, eating cheese curls for breakfast! Life is good.

We got back on Friday evening in good time. It was a quick trip, and was pretty nice, but I think in everyone’s mind it was sort of something to be gotten through rather than something to enjoy. So we all survived and I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be the last family Christmas for us. And that is ok. I love my family but all of us together at once isn’t necessarily the best idea. My sister has a 2 year old and another on the way, so she is busy and preoccupied and stressed out. And the rest of us are just kind of moody. But my English cousin and his girlfriend spent Christmas day with us and they were very interesting to talk to. And surprisingly the ride down and back with my parents was actually quite pleasant. Having said all that, I’m staying home next Christmas!

I’ve gained a little bit of weight. I really want to lose some, but obviously the taste of cheese curls won over teh possibility of being svelte by spring. I really need to get some self control. I did go to the gym yesterday though and in the new year, I really do plan to make some healthy changes. I haven’t had a cigarette in quite some time. I’m pretty serious about giving up diet coke. And I’m just going to stop buying crap like Ritz crackers and cheese curls that I will mindlessly eat entire boxes of in one sitting. I think I’ll start thinking of some new years resolutions too.

Back to work tomorrow. I feel like i”m in a pretty good place mentally. I guess time away does do you some good. It’s warm here today and I expect much of the snow to go away.My parents got me a bird feeder for Xmas and we filled it with premium seed (not the black oil sunflower like usual) and the birds are not diggin’ it. I suppose they are up at my in-laws getting the good stuff.

I’ve been reading a book called “The World Without Us,” that J got me for xmas. I’ve wanted it for a while but my new frugalilty has stopped me from buying it. It’s really interesting. It tells the story of what might happen if humans were to disappear tomorrow. how long would are houses last? What animals would trhive without us and which ones would go extict (rats, cockroaches, dogs). Interestingly, they said cats would probably survive. That made me smile.

Well…time for a shower and then I’m going to sit by the fire and read my book.

and I’ve finally gotten motivated enough to buy stamps. I planned my whole schedule around going to the post office since they are open a whole 2 hours on Saturday. Then, I braced myself for the long lines. Then I got there and realized I live in a one-horse town where I had to actually ring the bell for service. I was the only one in there. Another good reason I moved to the boondocks ( I do hate those xmas crowds).

Then I did something I haven’t done in many months. I went to Target and bought pretty much whatever my heart desired, though I did control myself and not buy a bunch of turtleneck sweaters that were super cute (and pretty cheap). But I bought a game called Partini. We’re going against both our personalities and our good sense and are having a New Years party with about 10 people. We’re not party people and we’re definitely not party throwing people, but I suppose you need to do these things sometimes just to remind yourself why you don’t. : ) So now we have a board game and our friend F is bringing over the video games. And no, you’re not mistaken, we’re all in our mid 30s. Isn’t life in America grand?

I bought the cats some toys, some boxes for these glittered pear ornaments I made (i know! I’m impressed too), these little ornaments that you can put photos in that I’m using as name tags on the pear gifts. I got more creative this year with the idea that I’d do more stuff home made and spend less, but I don’t really think I spent less. Oh well. Then I stocked up on cat food, cat litter,etc. to make sure the boys have enough for when we’re away next week.

Feeling a little ambivalent about Xmas. For some reason, it seems like it’s already past. Like I already did it. I keep seeing Xmas tree sellers out there and keep thinking to myself “why would anyone be buying a tree now that xmas is already past?). It’s been a long run-up, I guess. Maybe because we bought our tree early and frankly, I’m a little over it. I’m a scrooge and so is J. He said “I’m looking forward to those post xmas winter months where it’s cold and dreary and you have nothing to look forward to.” And I agreed with him. I’m grumpy too.

However… I have enjoyed doing some homemade gifts and I am looking forward to seeing my family. I guess I’m just tired and a little stressed out about the trip. We’re driving and my dad will be with us. He’s a little prone to depression and he’s also very tall, which means he’ll be uncomfortable. He can also get mean sometimes, so I try to keep him as happy as possible. I hope it goes ok.

Anyway… we got a big shed delivered yesterday and then it snowed several inches, so J is out there in the snow trying to get it situated. We have these 2 piles of lumber that we’ve been moving around for about 4 years. We somehow always move them to a spot that we soon realize is in the way. It’s getting old so I’ve decided to take charge of teh house instead and leave J on his own. The guilt is killing me but I’m working through it.

blah blah blobbedy blah. I need to fold laundry.

blech. Xmas gathering at the in-laws last night so I decided to get shitfaced. Suffering for it today. Everyone thought I was getting a cold because I was all plugged up and looking miserable. I let them believe that. For 2009, I must must must must stop this crap!!

Well Xmas is just around the corner. Despite the fact that I started in November, I still haven’t mailed all my cards because well, I don’t have any stamps.So I carry my few remaining cards to work with me, back hoem with me, to the store… and now they’re all crudded up wtih crud from my purse and will probably never be mailed at this point. But I promised myself I would write personal notes to 10 people this year and I did. I never said I had to mail them.

Work is getting weird. My new boss has a weird affect on me. He makes me act like a petulant child and I’m not digging it. I feel like my friend D and I are the daughters and we’re vying for daddy’s attention. Yeah, it’s weird. And I leave work every day feeling a sense of guilt and shame without knowing exactly why. I feel a tad bit like I’m being played. Then he strokes my ego a bit by calling things I write “delicious!” I just don’t see this working out long term. But it probably didnt’ help today that I felt like utter crap.

Ahh… well it’s 8:11 and I think I can safely go to bed now.

I went down to my in-laws house tonight for our xmas party…. my sister in-law J (who I LOVE). her boyfriend K (who I LOVE), J’s brother J, his daughter and son… ok, I’m drunk. I can’t even type straight. Maybe I will just drink some water and go to bed. I’ll write later. bye.

and I’m grumpy as effing hell. What I WANT to do here is list all the shitty things that have either happened, I’ve imagined, or felt all day, but since I keep track of my goals on Joe’s goals (joesgoals.com) and I have “gratitude” as one of my daily goals, instead I will do my utmost to think of 5 things that went right today. This may take a while though, so your patience is appreciated.

1. Ok….. um…. well when the hair dryers at the gym (all SEVEN of them) did NOT work and I had to leave with sopping wet hair, at least it was a warm night (54!) so I didn’t freeze my ass off.
2. I stocked up on a giant bottle of Smirnoff at the grocery store and enjoyed a cosmo tonight.
3. I got to leave work at 4:30 since I got there at 7:30 this morning.
4. The day went by fast.
5. I found a bunch of great books to read that I did not even know I had! Including: Mrs. Dalloway, Herzog, Cat’s Eye (Margaret Atwood), and an interesting looking one about labyrinths.
6. Well, shit, I’m on a roll now: I’ve gotten most of my high priortiy Xmas cards in the mail (though I do still need to get some stamps to mail a few of them) and I even wrote personal notes in all of them rather than my usual “Merry Christmas.”
7. I continue to work out 3 days a week even though I haven’t lost a single pound. I’m sure my heart and lungs appreciate it.
8. Most of the ice melted today from our giant ice storm and most importantly WE HAVE POWER AND INTERNET.
9. I feel like I should make it to 10 so 2 more. I’ll have some time off next week even though it may not be super relaxing.
10. J keeps buying books that I want to read too… saving me money on buying them myself, including “On Writing” by stephen king. (Now J wants to be a writer [eyes rolling])

Ok, that felt pretty good but I have to admit I’m still grumpy and in quite a pissed off/self pitying state. I really just want to embrace the feeling for a while. I may try to get out of it tomorrow. But not tonight. A little misery is sort of fun every now and then and I goddamn deserve it. I’m going to sit in my chair, by the fire, and pretend to read while I secretly daydream and probably fall asleep. Night night.

So Thursday morning it started sleeting. I carpooled with J, taking my subaru all tricked out with snow tires. My office is about 40 miles south of where we live, and he’s about 17 minutes even further south. That means I had to drop him off, then turn around and come back north on icy roads. Then I had a dentist appointment (no cavities, not much plaque but receding gums as always (have I already written about this?) so I had to drive back down south, then back to work, then back to pick up J and then home. It has been snowing/sleeting/freezing rain all day so the traffic was horrendous and it took us forever to get home. My piano lesson was canceled and I planned to work from home on Friday.

Friday morning, I’m afraid it’s not bad enough to work from home and consider going into the office anyway. J is watching the tv and can’t really figure out how bad the roads are. Our local school district hasn’t cancelled school. With my previous boss, he was fine with us working from hom. My new boss seemed a little skeptical, but grudgingly agreed, but I felt guilty. Then, before I had a shower, the power went off. Fine by me, that just meant I could stay home guilt free, take a vacation day, and sleep. That got old fast. No power, no heat, no water, no INTERNET, no phone (cuz it goes through the internet/cable), no shower, no taking a doo doo when I needed to. Well, ok, I got one flush and it was wasted on the smallest turd in history. Even my cell phone doesn’t really work from our house in the woods.

Around 1, I’m freaking out about all the food in our freezer. We’ve been on a sale spending spree. Every time anything is on sale I buy it. So we have about $200 worth of pork chops, chicken breasts, cheddar brats (yum), not to mention our harvest of corn, blueberries, etc. from the garden. We decide to drive all the way to Augusta to go to the gym. We have “black card” membership to Planet Fitness so we can go to any of their locations. The Brunswick one had power going on and off (we called from the mother in law’s house). Augusta had lost power but it was back on. So we drive up there, work out, have showers, come home and the power is on. Thank the lordess. We’re not even big consumers of electricity, but let’s face it, modern life was built around it. You can’t do shit (literally) without it. We have a well that is hooked to an electric water pump. Our furnace is electric. We have a propane fireplace but the fan is electric. For all my “I’m a pioneer!” boasting, we were woefully unprepared. No food that didn’t require cooking, no water, no way to heat the home. We were fucked.

Anyway, the power came back on but we were without cable and thus internet and phone until about an hour ago. I did a lot of reading. I finished my Anderson Cooper book and then read “Nickel and Dimed”. I guess I’m on a nonfiction kick. Most of all, I missed blogging. My sister and I have a reading blog and I haven’t been able to check it or update it, and that’s been killing me.

What else? Had our office Xmas party last night. It was a little boring, and I got a little jealous, but mostly I looked pretty fabulous, drank a lot of beer, but did not get embarrassingly drunk, J won a gift basket (I never win anything) and I talked to my new boss a little. Fairly uneventful. Not sure I’ll bother next year. Tried to get J on the dance floor. The only dance I remember from our lessons in the mambo, but he wouldn’t go for it. Oh well.

I’m not even dreading work tomorrow because I’m sick of sitting in the house doing nothing. It’s nice to be connected to the world again.

Ok, so you know about Postsecret right? Of course I love that because you can see people’s dirty secrets. Usually it’s just pretty sad, but it makes you feel more human because you know that people aren’t nearly as perfect as they pretend to be. Here’s a fairly innocent secret of mine, though I certainly wouldnt’ tell my husband, friends, or anyone else for that matter. I secretly read the personal ads…compulsively. Especially the missed connections. And more than that, I really want to BE someone’s missed connection. Even some fat balding guy at the gas station. I just want someone to notice me and post it somewhere. Isn’t that sick and insecure and pathetic? Yes, I know it is. But hey, it is what it is. I also try to justify it by telling myself I’m just getting material for my writing. : ) Love that excuse. Works for sooooo many things.

Well, I’m home alone because J is at his Xmas party. I’m drinking his Riesling (not bad by the way) and of course doing absolutely nothing productive, because this is waht I do when I’m home  alone. I had bread, cheese, walnuts and malted milk balls for dinner. I hate work. How many years till retirement?

But… I went to my writing group for the first time in many many months last night and of course I loved it loved it loved it and wondered why the HELL I haven’t been in so long. I finished a short (very short) story posted at write365.blog.com and they, as always, were soooo nice and encouraging. It’s just phenomenal. I don’t know if it’s because I have such an ego crushing job, but when someone says something nice it’s just the best thing in the world. J says that this is proof that I have a big ego. I don’t think so. He’s in IT so he has no clue what it’s like for people to criticize his work all day. What I do is totally subjective so any old person could tell me that what I do is total crap. But I suppose I am too sensitive.

I’m reading Anderson Cooper’s autobiography. Reading has been so hard lately. I think it’s part of winter doldrums. I just don’t have the damn attention span. But I’m loving this book. I love him. Is he gay? Tell me the truth? Because if he is, I’ll stop lusting after him right now. He is just so adorable.

Anyway… this is a pointless post. I think I will make some brownies.