Thanks for the fish

I haven’t been writing much lately, and there’s one simple reason. I’ve been really really grumpy. Like even grumpier than my normal grumpy. And not only do I annoy myself with my grumpiness, but I figured nobody wanted to hear about it. However, there is reason for hope:

1. Tomorrow is February. February is the generally the last month of bitter cold here, and the last month of really dark days. In fact, by February 15, the sun will still be up if I leave the office at 5. Already, there is light in the sky when I leave (though the sun has technically already set.). I’m thrilled to leave January behind (finally!) and will be even more thrilled when February is over.

2. I’ve been exercising like a madwoman. Not really because I want to, but because J makes me and it gives me more weight watcher points that I can consume in the form of red wine. As much as I hate going to the gym, I have to admit I feel a helluva lot better when I leave then I did when I walked in. I’ve even gotten a pretty regular schedule down so I’m lifting weights twice a week. I actually really dig lifting weights.

3. I don’t actually have a #3 planned, but let’s see what happens… ah! I’ve going on vacation this month…not once but twice! We are going to see my super favorite sister in law (and super favorite sister in law’s boyfriend) in New Hampshire next weekend. They’re really two of my favorite people. The plan is to go cross country skiing. Never done it before. I feel like maybe I would like it, but also maybe I would hate it. Who knows? Not too dangerous… but maybe too tedious? We’ll see. Not sure where I’ll get skis from, but hopefully someone has figured that out. Then at the end of the month.. Texas! I have $1,500 saved up for lovely Mexican food (weight watchers will also be on vacation that week..good planning!), margaritas, and something from the spa. Maybe a massage. hmmmm…. Some people don’t like massages. I’m not one of those people. I don’t care if I’m naked. I’m paying good money, make me moan! And I don’t care if it’s a woman or a man either (this coming from the girl who can’t change into her gym clothes in front of other people at the gym).

I have also a positive spin on this shitty ass economy. Well, for one, J did not lose his job in his company’s layoffs, though he is applying for a different job in his company anyway. Plus, I haven’t lost my job yet. Yay. But even better than those two things, the sales can not be beaten!! I got a bunch of stuff from jcrew.com. Huge sale and I wouldn’t normally pay the exhorbitant prices there. But I do like their stuff and most of it does last a long time. I have a green sweater from there that I’ve had for years and years. But I got a merino wool black cardigan and some camisoles. The only bad thing about their final sales is that you can’t return them. So it’s too risky to buy pants in my opinion. Then… yesterday at Macy’s I bought two really nice shirts. They’re made of viscose and I’m not 100% sure what that is but I am trying to buy all natural fibers lately and I’m pretty sure that’s not a natural fiber. However, they are very cute and one of them is… get this… purple! I don’t think I have ever owned anything purple, ever. I’m diggin’ it. The other one is green. I have a bad habit of buying two of the exact same thing in different colors. Oh well.

What else? I”m making rice and bean tacos for dinner. I bought a new kind of rice… brown basmati. I was really hungry and then realized the rice took 50 minutes to cook. That’s hard core, man. But I’ve enjoying my glass of Fisheye Cab Sav. I’ve learned to love cheap wine. The economy is shit. I can adapt.

I’m also looking for an indoor clothesline, but no luck so far. Not sure what to get… a drying rack, a retractable line, or just stretch a rope up somewhere.

worthwhile to blog about tonight? I do not know. Ok, so rambling it is.

Went to my eye doctor and he said it wasn’t as bad as last year. I need to put these patanol drops in my eyes twice a day and within a month I should (key word) be able to wear cotnacts again, at least a few times a week. I’ll take it at this point. My doctor’s really nice and sweet but every time I go there I wait an hour and that just drives me nuts. My only consolation was that I was not at work. Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up my meds and that took about 40 minutes.sigh…

I’m overwhelmed at work and moody. On top of the quitting smoking, this weight watchers thing makes me super grumpy. I can not be hungry gracefully, and hungry I am. Buuuttt… I already lost 2 pounds! In a day! If I could just keep up that pace, I’ be at my goal weight within weeks. sweet! But if I could get philosolphical about it all (what? me?), it’s an interesting experience being hungry all the time. It puts it all in perspective. I don’t have the energy to try to be someone I’m not. And I don’t really care. Even the cute boys don’t phase me when I’m starving. I say “oh look…cute boy.” and then I have to shut down to conserve energy. No more fantasies for me, unless they involve a boston creme pie and a giant vat of mashed potatoes. too bad I don’t have the food network anymore. I could totally go for that right now.

But really, I’ve realized how little food the human body really needs. In fact, I still have 4 points left, even after dinner and a cocktail. Plus, I plan to exercise. I think it will be good, though I feel like I’m neglecting my writing. As you cna see from this, I just haven’t been in the mood. So my plan is to read a lot and read some writing books too. You can always learn something new. I wrote one kind of good thing at work today. Otherwise I’m kind of stuck. Overwhelmed. It’s like my whole body and mind has just slowed down. I feel mono-like tired again today. Oh well… complain complain.

I’m off to play piano, do some jumping jacks, and finally finish up “a short history of myth,” which isn’t as good as I was expecting. But the good news is I can then start my next book, which I think will be a Kurt Vonnegut.

mono. I”m so tired! I sleep and sleep and sleep… ok, well not really, but I sleep. I have no motivation. I can barely make it to 8 pm before I start fantasizing about my bed. Literally, my bed and my electric bed warmer are the current loves of my life, crushes, infatuations, and fantasy material. Screw men. What are they good for? Yes, Negativo lives.

I started weight watchers today and even though I’m totally unmotivated to make a deadline at work, I am actually motivated to starve myself silly. Which I have successfully done for day #1! Yay! And managed to work a cocktail into my puny points structure. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that every day, but I thought celebration was in order for one day. I also went to yoga at work. That was good too. Just stretching…with my coworkers… but it was a nice way to end the day. It does feel good to stretch. And chant in Sanskrit. (eyes rolling). Ok, I’m way too self-conscious to chant, so I just listened to other people chanting. But it was good.No problem whatsoever with chanting. Can you tell?

Yeah, so I’m hungry. A little light headed. I’d blame that for my lack of things to write about, but as you can tell from my posts from teh last month, that I already had nothing. Stick wtih me though…you know I’ll get it over it. It’s totally cyclical.

I have an appointment with my eye doctor tomorrow so hopefully I’ll clear up my recurring eye problems so I can stop wearing glasses eventually. I have a bad feeling that I’m gong to be stuck with glasses permanently. Which makes me want to consider lasik. But I’m too much of a wimp. So I guess I will just have to live with it and start thinking of glasses as fashion accessories. hmm… yeah, well, that’s all I have energy for tonight. Hello you sexy bed! I’m ready!

I’m sorry. I quit smoking several weeks ago. It’s winter. I’m naturally negative. What am I supposed to do? Repress it? Certain people just irritate the crap out of me and that’s all I have to write about lately. That and my weight. And exercises, and the cocktails I drink every night. This is my life at this point in time and I feel the need to tell the world about it. But it’s not all bad. I’ve been writing a little bit more than usual. Julia Cameron in “The Artist’s Way” recommends “morning page” where you write 3 pages in the morning about whatever. I find this useful for whatever reason… mostly it’s like exercising in the morning… you get it out of the way and feel like you’ve rocked your own world before 7 am. At any rate, a few days ago in my morning pages I was writing about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my oldest sister. We’ve always had a pretty good relationship. We’re very different in many ways but she doesn’t realize it because she just thinks of me as her youngest sister who is supposed to agree with her on everything. And since I am naturally agreeable (ok my husband might disagree…but usually I can find at least a grain of something that I agree with something on…I”m naturally empathetic what can I say)… and then in other ways we have things in common (for example, our family’s tendency to get irritated with everyone and everything all the time.)

Anyway, I’ve been a little upset subconsciously about the fact that we never talk anymore and well, she’s been kind of a bitch. And usually, when people act like bitches, I stop talking to them. But she’s my sister, so in my morning pages I decided that I would make an effort, send her an email, ask what’s wrong. After all, she is several months pregnant, with a 2 year old, and clearly very cranky. So I did, and after a very slight bit of coaxing, her flood gates opened and I realized the true extent of her stress. She hasn’t slept in 2 years, her 2 year old is still sleeping with them, she’s afraid of having another kid when she feels like she can’t handle the one she has, her house is “falling apart.” Plus, the down side of being “rich” is that you just buy a house that fits your budget and then have a humongo mortgage. So I felt better that we were talkign again.

hmmm… this is really train of thought kind of writing.What else? Work is kind of interesting. I feel like my boss has joined the camp I’m in. Now it’s 3 against 2. He has said some really nice things about my writing. I’ve also noticed him checking out my boobs. Not sure if the two are related. But he seems like a nice guy and it’s always good to have the boss on your side. I think he’ll be good for me. He has a lot of good connections and it couldnt’ hurt for me to get “out there” a little more. But things are getting a little boring at work. And this economy totally sucks, which means I need to hang on and hope the layoffs don’t hit my company. J’s company is laying people off and they have a big meeting tomrrow. He’s not too concerned, but I am a little. OH well… time for dinner.

the grumpiest day of the year? According to J, he found some site somewhere where some British guy estimated today to be the most depressing day of 2009. Something about the weather, the fact that we’ve already failed on our New Year’s Resolutions and something else. Then some American lady said that was a bunch of BS since today is a holiday. HA HA HA HAHA. Apparently they didn’t get the memo at my workplace. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Maine is the “whitest state in the nation” but we do not get MLK day off. Or the most momentous inauguration day IN MY LIFETIME. But hey, that’s cool… that good old fashioned Yankee work ethic is at least keeping me employed. So no complaining.

Having said that, I was very grumpy today and so were a lot of people. We had tons of snow yesterday so all the men were grumpy and holding their backs saying “ohmygod I shoveled SO much snow.” Wimps! God men are wimps. Of course I don’t have to shovel snow, so what do I know. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s the most grumpiest time of the year. People really do grumpy and ugly around mid January and it will last for a little while. It’s just the way it is. It’s cold, it’s snowy, it’s dark. All you can really do is eat, which is why we are also all getting fat.

I’m starting Weight Watchers on Wednesday for the oompteenth time. I tried last year at this time and it at least stopped me from putting on more weight. I think I lost 5 pounds and then stopped going. I’d like to lose quite a bit… 20 pounds would be nice, but I’d take 15. Anything under 150 actually would be cool. Then, I feel like some of the muscles that I must be forming would show once they are not hidden by rolls upon rolls of fat. : ) I’m trying to decide whether to do the Core plan or the Flex plan. The Flex plan gives you a certain amount of points. I know this works because I’ve done it before, but it also entails being totally starving all the time. The Core plan only lets you eat fruits and vegetables…but some other things too, like fat free yogurt, eggs… That doesn’t sound so bad but I’m afriad it wont’ work if I’m not starving. Dilemmas dilemmas.

My sister and I are refocusing on our reading challenge. The new goal is to read 15 books by the end of May so I need to get started. THe night is young and even thought I’d like to have a second cosmo and a bowlful of walnuts, instead I will practice piano, floss my teeth and do some reading! I don’t know what that British guy was talking becasue I am ALL OVER my new year’s resolutions. I may not have lost any weight, but I’ve been exercising like a damn banshee and eventually this is going to pay off! Ra ra!

J just said that so I thought I would title my post that. Yeah, life ain’t bad. We just do whatever. This morning, I slept in and it was truly lovely. A few times this week I got up at 5 am to exercise with J. That just made sleeping in till 9 soooo much more fantastic. My body was all soft and warm and tingly… it was sweet.

Then I tootled around the house, cleaning the kitchen, making breakfast sandwiches and then grilled cheeses. Then we went to Borders. Actually J went to borders and I decided to check out Talbots and see if I could find any wide-legged trousers, which I’ve decided is the only figure flattering style for me. No. Not only that but nobody even asked me if I needed any help. Nobody even acknowledged me. Everyone else in there were old ladies with money. I guess my jeans and brown parka gave me away as someone without any money. At any rate, their sales were pathetic.. on clearnace they had pants for $59. In this economy? I don’t think so. Then, despite my better judgement, I went into Coldwater Creek (these and Fashion Bug are the only clothing stores in my vicinity). Same thing there. I could’ve tried some stuff on if anyone had offered their assistance, but they probably wouldn’t have looked good anyway. Just as well to not spend any money.

Then, onto the gym. J is officialy an exercise addict. I kinda like it too, but it DOES piss me off that I am still fat. But I suppose I’m healthier? I did 12 minute cardio intervals and then about 11 weight machines targeting both my upper and lower body. I love weight lifting. I really do. I hate cardio. Me and J are opposites. I get bored stiff jogging for any length of time. That’s why I like the intervals. Then, grocery shopping.

I guess I don’t have much to write about. I had some chardonnay and I’m buzzing. I’m happy and warm, and that’s saying something when it’s negative degrees outside. I think now I will either read somethign or watch “American Pscyho.”

No, not web stats, but my bodily stats. I had my biometric screening today. I had this fantasy of beating J on cholesterol, but no dice. He’s so insanely healthy it’s just sick. Ho! I didn’t even mean to do that. So here’s my stats (from what I can remember off the top of my head):

Total cholesterol: 168. This is exactly the same as last year, which sucks because I’ve been exercising and taking my Omega 3 and shit! Man, can you say disappointing?? Plus J’s is like 124 or something.

But… my HDL is very good at 70, so that means my ratio of good to total is very good.

Tryglicerides… less than 45,w hich is good.

They couldn’t compute my LDL for some reason… I assume that is fine.

BMI - 24… yikes. Still “healthy” but on the high end of healthy.

Waist circumference - 33.. Yikes. Does that sound high to you? In high school I wore a size 29 waist. I even felt skinny today and then I wrapped that tape measure around my waist, looked down, and I was like…this is just not good. But apparently under 35 is good, so at least I’m not at risk for a heart attack (until I try on new clothes and look in the mirror anyway)

Blood pressure was low as always, I think it was 105/53 or something like that.

Blood glucose - don’t know what this means but I think mine was 90, which is apparently good.

So… despite the fact that I abuse my body constantly, I appear to be in quite good health. I would like to get my cholesterol lower though, and I’d like to get more exercise in. We’ve been consistent about going to the gym, but now I think we need to take it up a notch. We went tonight and I did my 12 minute intervals from Prevention magazine (it says they are scientifically proven to being as effective/more effective than workouts that last twice as long…I’m so all over that). Then I did some lower body weights. I have still lost Zero Pounds, but I have faith in the intervals. Plus, I’m starting weight watchers on Thursday.

Well, if there’s one good thing about the bad economy, it’s all the good sales. I bought a bunch of stuff at J Crew.com that I need to go try on (thank god because I can never find anything to wear in the morning). I got 2 camis, a merino wool cardigan, a turtleneck, and a pair of tights for slightly over $100. So on that note, I think I’ll go find an outfit for tomorrow!

you know nature is at hand. There’s always this argument: nature vs. nurture. In my life, I’m a big proponent for nature. I absolutely know when something is genetically predetermined. The people I’m attracted to, the things I do… growing and preserving food, cooking, sex… and tonight HAMBURGERS. I’m kind of an “on the border” vegetarian. I don’t eat a lot of meat for a few reasons. 1) Most meat I just don’t like. I don’t like ham, I don’t like turkey, I’m kind of iffy about chicken, unless it’s fried or rotisserie (hate grilled chicken…yuk). I’m iffy on pork chops, though I do love a meaty kielbasa… basically I like ground beef. 2) I don’t really like to cook meat very much. Even though I’m not a germ-o-phobe, I just don’t dig the whole salmonella thing.. all the hand washing and separate cutting boards… it’s too much trouble. 3) I just like a lot of non-meat dishes. I like fruits, I like vegetables, i like beans and pasta and bread and cheese… there’s so many vegetarian options that I would prefer.

Having said that, tonight we made burgers. And holy crap, I thought I was going to have an orgasm. These were made with natural beef… no antibiotics or any of that crap. Then I added an egg and some breadcrumbs, a finely chopped onion and some oregano. Then J grilled them on our teeny little outdoor grill (in 10 degree temps). Then a little pepper jack cheese, a tomato and lettuce and oh holy yum. My reaction: I’m dancing in my seat, humming, I look basically like Stevie Wonder. YUM! That, my friend, is per genetic, DNA driven nature talking.

I’m still basking in the glow. It was truly better than sex (not that I’ve gotten enough of that lately to know…though really I am the only one to blame for that). Anyway, I’ve got my biometric screening tomorrow at work. Cholesterol, blood pressure, height, and weight. I think I’ll do stellar on height. 5′8″ and steady for about 15 years now… Weight’s gonna be a bit iffy. I expect to be at the high end of the “healthy” BMI. Cholesterol is usually good but I’d really like to beat J, which is nearly impossible since he is nearly perfect. He was something ridiculous like 125. That makes my insanely good 160 seem bad. My blood pressure is always scarily low, so genetics should pretermine me to KICK HIS ASS on that. Though his is good. Why couldn’t I have married some old fat guy. Then I would have every reason to feel superior. Damn my luck! Screwed again.

What else? I’ve been vaguely discontent but that’s natural for January. I’m in the process of making enemeis at work. My ego is out of control and unleashed. And I’ve been battled a low grade flu for about a week. Thank god for my flu shot or I’d be suffering like my coworker D who does not believe in flu shots. I’ve got one word for her. Sucker.

I guess that’s it. My thoughts always return to one place and so they’ve been doing that. That’s ok. I’m so mature and cool with everything at this ponit that nothing can phase me. I’m in control, I’m cool, and life is just fine. And now I’m going to watch a movie and sink into a sick-induced, winterized stupor that I’m perfectly at ease with. Oh! I bought some lip stuff called “Sexy Motherpucker” tonight. It’s supposed to make your lips look like Angelina Jolie’s. I put it on and I felt like my lips were going to explode. Must be working! Ok then… over and out.

I’ve never been much of a seafood person, but living in Maine has brought me around a little bit…especially now that I’m into “local” stuff. So it’s Maine shrimp season. These are little itty bitty shrimp, which I consider a good thing because, like salad, seafood is good in small doses. We bought another pound today, this time unpeeled, so I let J do that part. Then I used up the second half of my Mario’s Vodka Marinara and we cooked up some linguini and voila! Fabulous meal. Fresh bread from the store and cheap red wine too.

I’ve been very into cooking lately, but now that we’re back to 5 day work weeks, I just don’t have the energy anymore. I bought a frozen pizza this week and some frozen sweet potato fries. The guilt is killing me!

What else? I got my hair done. Spent over $200!!!! Holy crap. And this was at the “cheaper” place near where I live. But I have to admit, it was pretty complicated. First, I had “the malibu treatment” to get rid of the minerals in my hair caused by well water. Then a cut, then highlights and lowlights. Then lots of products. And of course a tip. I like how it looks though. It’s blonder, it’s shorter, it’s more layered. The proof was when I went to the gym this afternoon, showered using my cheap shampoo and conditioner and had no products to put in my hair and it still looks pretty good.

I think I have a bug. I feel better tonight than I have, but my stomach has been hurting. Not just like a litttle annoyance, but actually hurting hurting. LIke someone is sticking me with a dull poker constantly. Oh well… hopefully it will go away. And my red itchy eye problem is back despite the fact that I am wearing glasses everyday (which I completely hate). I need to go back to my eye doctor but I took about 8 months to pay my bill last year because I thought my insurance company might finally cough up the money. I talked to my HR lady and that bill might finally get paid, but I’m embarrassed to go into the office now. Honestly, I’m not sure there’s hope for me wearing contacts again anyway. I’d look into that laser surgery but it scares me. So instead, I’ll spend my flexible spending money and keep buying cute glasses. Sometimes you just have to work with what you have.

Well… I really was sort of looking forward to January. There’s something fresh and new about it. You can plan for teh whole year, etc. But it’s the 10th and I have to admit, I’m over this shit. It’s cold. Every day. And it’s going to get worse for the rest of the month and the month after that. And that’s depressing. I can almost handle the short days, especially now that they’re getting longer, but the cold is getting to me. It’s miserable and people are grumpy and getting on my nerves. My body is dry, every orifice of it. I wake up parched. I tried the humidifier one night, but that’s when I got sick, so no more of that. Yes, I’m the negativo zone. It’s hard not to be.

But… we’re working out regularly and I’ve tried to stay focused on 1) health 2) writing (this counts as my writing activity for the day by the way) and 3) personal relationships. This red wine is excellent for my health. All in all, I feel good about stuff. Practically every day I feel overwhelmingly grateful for everything I have.

I’ve been watching a ton of movies. We saw “Eagle Eye” last night. It was really on the verge of silly. But I didn’t hate it. Now we seem to be on a thriller kick. I think we have “American Psycho” for tonight. It’s kind of nice to just sit and watch a movie when it’s cold outside. I know I should read instead, but I just haven’t been in the mood. I do want to get some reading in tomorrow though and finally finish “The World Without Us.”

Well, I guess that’s all. Good night. 

So yesterday I felt ok all day, we watched a netflix (The Duchess… tad depressing), then all of a sudden I felt like shit. I got a flu shot, but it sure felt like the flu. I went to bed at 8;30, convinced I’d have to burn a day of vacation tomorrow. Then the cats knocked over a plant, and I had to get out of bed and clean it up (J pretended to be fast asleep). Then I got up this morning. I wont’ say I felt fabulous, because that just doesn’t happen, but I felt ok. And when you wake up expecting to feel like shooting yourself, that’s doing pretty good.

Got home tonight…suddenly feel like shit again. Am I allergic to home? Am I suddenly allergic to small amounts of alcohol? Because after about a sip of my cocktail, all of a sudden I’m hot, I’m bloated, I’m feeling off… Now I’m sitting here eating my new invention… a chicken, wild rice, cranberry soup concoction and feeling really pretty bad. Oh well… we’ll see what happens.

What I really wanted to write about was this. A few nights ago we were watching a different netflix called “The Human Stain.” Quite an interesting movie.. a little depressing, but not entirely, though the major characters do die at the end. It’s about a man who has a big secret. He gets fired from his prestigious job and then his wife of 20-30 years dies. He’s I guess about 50 or 60. Then he starts up an affair with a woman who is 34. I’m always fascinated by stories about women who are my age. I’m a narcissist, what can I say? She is played by Nicole Kidman (and I loved her hair in this movie). Anyway, it’s actually quite a sweet love story. But my favorite thing is this: The old guy (who is played by Anthony Hopkins) is confiding in his friend (Gary Sinise) and he is explaining her and he says she is “ignitable.” What a freaking fabulous word. What I wouldnt’ give to be called ignitable. Maybe there’s an “e” in there…I don’t know.

Ok, so I’ve been watching a lot of movies.. it’s January in Maine…not much else to do. We went to see “Yes man,” at the theater. It’s a comedy with Jim Carey and I liked it a lot. It’s about a guy who is essentially “saying no to life.” He goes to a seminar by one of those crackpots and he makes a pact to say “yes” to everything. Well I’m always yammering on about this crap, right? Say yes to the universe, etc. I don’t necessarily do it… But anyway, the movie sort of reinspired me to keep trying new things.  So I got invited to a “ladies night” by these people at work that I have sort of tried to be friends with. I just don’t like them that much, but I’ve decided to pretty much accept every invitation I get, because you never know where it may lead. My goal this year is to form more relationships, so there it is.

There is also a girl at work who I think might have a serious depression problem. It’s pretty obvious. I feel a little bit bad for her, but sometimes I notice I have a pretty un-compassionate viewpoint. Clearly she is not just trying to get sympathy. But I don’t know what to do or so. I don’t even work with her and have never talked to her except to say hi in the hallway. But she reminds me of one of my sisters and I have a bit of an inkling that she would be nice to get to know.

So there’s a bunch of unrelated topics. It’s 7:50 and I have nothing to do until bedtime except sweat and feel crappy. This is very negative. : (