Thanks for the fish

just kicks my ass. I’m about to talk about female-related complaints. Fair warning! In junior high and the first year or two of high school, being a woman sucked. There was blood and odor and self consciousness…and many embarrassing accidents. Then I became a savvy woman and those stupid things never happened anymore. I had light, easy 3 day periods. Sure, I had moodiness and bloating, but my actually periods were a piece of cake. Things post-age 30 have changed. There’s blood. Lots of it. And it flows freely, often onto floors and toilets as I innocently reach for the toilet paper. Recently it even got on my pants. A lot of it. At work. Today tops it all though. Not only am I flowing so heavily that I have to make hourly trips to the bathroom, but I managed to overflow a bloody toilet. At work. Onto the floor. What did I do? I ran like FloJo.

It’s just so awful. I’m 34. I’m way too old for this kind of teenage humiliation. I’m beyond this. And yet, maybe this is normal. I’ve had conversations with a work friend who is my own age, and she, like me is 34 and childless and she is having horrible periods. Cramping and heavy flowing, etc. etc. I think it’s nature’s revenge for us not having children. I used to think women who called is sick when they had their periods were really reaching for an excuse. Now, I get it. I felt like crap all day long, then I bailed on the gym and my writing group, even though writing and health are my top 2 priorities. duh. I don’t give a crap. I got home, I put on flannel and lots of it. I put my frizzy, dry, hideous hair up, I washed my face, I brushed my teeth, I changed my underwear. Then I made margaritas and black bean and rice tacos and now I’m happy as a clam. The key to life is knowing how to handle situations and man have I done that tonight.

So, I really am feeling like a hideous troll, and it’s not just the time of the month. I like to call this time of year “the winter uglies.” I’ve got them big time. My hair is an absolute disaster. Part of it is that I haven’t gotten a good haircut in the 4 years I’ve lived in Maine. Part is that my highlights are growing out. And part of it is the 0% humidity that has turned every orifice and follicle in my body into a crackly, gross, pit. I’m not the only one this is affecting either. It’s everyone. Even people who normally look really good look like crap. I cant’ even wear my contacts anymore. So I’m a frizzy haired, post Xmas fat, crackly skinned, glasses wearing troll. But I refuse to feel bad about this. I’m making serious progress on the positive self talk. Despite being a troll, I still think I’m fabulous. Because there is more to life than looks, especially post-30. And frankly, I wasn’t all that hot pre-30 so it’s no big deal to me. Which leads me back to my beautiful, moody, sister. She is 4 years older than me (38) and has always been thin and the pretty one, and she is having a really hard time with aging. Ok, I am too. I think your 30s is kind of hard. You really start to see the difference. I’ve been making a real effort to focus on the positives of aging… the knowledge, etc. etc. But let’s face it, women are kind of screwed. A lot is expected of us. But I just have to ignore that, be confident, no matter how big my ass is, and focus on the fabulous.

Yes, I DO realize this is a giant ramble-fest. I also realize that I still love margaritas. I also realize that I want a strawberry shortcake righnow! So with that, my dear reader, I leave you to your thoughts.