Thanks for the fish

phase. I’m just about discontent in every phase of my life to spur me toward action! My plan:

March is writing month!I will write for 1 hour every day as soon as I get home from work. Red wine is allowed, even encouraged. I did it tonight and made it very far. I also ended up in a wicked traffic jam, which was synchronicitous because it allowed me to ponder some great plot ideas!

Well, my post has lost its steam. Vacation was nice and I’m not sad to be home. It’s not too cold.. in the 40s. I despise work, and that is why I’m motivated to write my book.I must do it. And I will. I’m getting a little drunk, and I have a really bad cold, and I’m looking forward to sleeping in (in my own bed) and getting shit accomplished tomorrow. G’night.

my massage. We’re in San Antonio and having a pretty good time. I have to admit my marriage has been on the rocks a bit. I’ve been thinking about divorce a lot. Like seriously. I’ve been thinking about my freedom and the fact that me and J aren’t even nice to each other. Even wtih the occasional sex, it’s still pretty sad. I spent some time with my friend A and her husband yesterday, and J. And throughout the day, I just kept imagining having to say to A soon that I was divorced. And my state of mind turned from “I wish I could get rid of him” to “holy crap, he’s going to get rid of me” and that knd of changes everything.

It’s certainly happened before. And then there goes the self esteem. So I thought it was time for a talk, which consisted of 20 seconds of “what’s wrong, do you want a divorce?” and then he started being a bit nicer. We have double beds so we’re sleeping separetly so that in itself is a bit weird (but also in a way, nice). Today was better and we pooped around, got spa treatments, laid by the pool. It’s a little chilly here, but obviously a LOT warmer and snow free. I hear in Maine we got a snow storm. Shocker. Well, I have to go back for my massage now on full stomach and a few glasses of red wine. I’m lookng forward to it. G’night.

be on vacation! We are leaving early tomorrow (6 am or so) to drive to Boston, to fly to St. Louis, to connect and land in San Antonio, Texas. To give you the full background, I lived in San Antonio when I was a wee tot. Born in Alaska, we moved to San Antonio, I *think* when I was but a few months old, and then lived there till I was about 5. But that is probably wrong, because it doesn’t make sense that I would have lived anywhere for that long when I was growing up.

Anyway, obviously I remember nothing about it. My first memories are of California… a wildfire burning in the distance…bugs bunny cartoons… an Alice in Wonderland towel that I used for naptime at Washington Elementary School in Santa Barbara, California. The toilet overflowing at same kindergarten. Was I the one that made it overflow? I dunno. But I know I sure as hell never fell asleep at naptime, and that made me damn nervous. (I’m such a rule follower..I thought I was breaking the rule by not falling asleep!)

I went back to San Antonio in 1998, soon after I started dating J. He was consulting in Dallas and instead of flying back to DC, his company allowed him to fly someone (even new girlfriends who may have no future) out to him, instead of him flying home). We had been dating, oh, a few months? We met in December and I think this was March or so. Two days before I was set to fly out, he got pulled off the project and was sent home. What did I do? I went to effing Texas anyway! My friend A (I have a lot of “friend As) lived in Austin, so she picked me up at the airport, we went to Waco to see some friends of hers, stayed the night. At the time she was dating a bisexual guy named I have no idea what. I didn’t like him all that much. I was afraid he would leave my friend for a guy and it just seemed like if you went both ways, you’re bound to go back to the gay side. I don’t know why I think that. But first, we stayed at a hotel outside of Dallas, in Irving or somewhere. $33 a night and I was 23 and thought it was the best freaking hotel for $33 a night I’d ever stayed in. It was called “the atrium” and indeed it was. All rooms looked out onto a club… not so quiet. But it was “a suite” and I was still pretty psyched. The boyfriend thought I was overly impressed, as I suppose I was.

Then we went to Austin. I remember we went to a Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Austin Museum of Art. We had gelato too (before I tasted the real thing in Italy). Then San Antonio. Her parents had just bought a place there. No, they were about to. I was actually staying at her parents place and her mother, who is an Argentina born ethnic Italian (I think) made the best effing gnocchi this girl has ever had. Holy yum. I love her mother. Her fater is ethnically Japanese (and I met her in Japan, ironically), but born in Argentina, raised in American, and through the Air Force ended up in Japan. Anyway, she showed me around San Antonio, we tried to find the house I lived in as a kid (I took a picture…), then we saw the Alamo, the Riverwalk, and the Mexican Marketplace.

I always have a great time with A She is intelligent, unselfconscious, and she just says what she’s feeling. It’s that latin influence and damn I wish I had it. I went to Lollapalooza (I just remembered this) in West Virginia with her. I drove my 1966 Corvair from northern virginia to Morgantown? WV and my car died as soon as we got there. We got someone? to push it into a parking spot and went and enjoyed the show. I remember jumping up and down to the Beastie Boys (and trust me,, I’m not the jump up and down type). I don’t know who else played, but I ran into a guy I worked with named Eddie Perez and it was just bizarre because we were in another state with thousands of strangers. I have a hard time recognizeing people out of context.

So, yes, we’ve gone down memory lane here. And now back to reality. Tomorrow we’re going on vacation, meeting up with A and her non-bi-sexual husband on Sunday and hopefully enjoying fabulous Mexican food and margaritas, etc. etc. So why did we choose Texas? We have a rule: wherever we go on vacation, one of us cannot have been there before. I’ve been there, J hasn’t. Personally, I wanted to go to Cancun, but I felt like I monopolized our vacation plans (ironic considering last night’s post about how he’s totally bossy), so I let him decide. And I’m ok with it.Because also in last night’s post, you see that I cannot make a fucking decision to save my life.

So I picked a new wine up at Hannaford tonight. I lvoe the Bogle Petite Syrah, so I’m trying the Bogle Old Vine Zinfandel (love zinfandel). It’s good, but I like the petite syrah better. Anyway, bon voyage.

I have other things I could write about… horrible public speaking incidents, fights with coworkers who I really love but get on my nerves, etc. etc. But I won’t . : ) Maybe I will blog from the road. I am really really really really looking forward to this. Hope it delivers (no pressure). 

delusions. We all have them. I have a coworker, A, who is rather socially awkward, but tries very hard. She tries to be professional, do all the right things like nod vigorously when someone talks, never reveals anything personal about herself for fear it will be used against her, will never admit to a fault, etc. I’m not judging because I clearly lack social skills and I’m ok with that. But she is under this delusion that she is an extrovert. I don’t know why this bothers me. I think it’s because she is clearly an introvert and yet feels so ashamed of that, that she will not admit it, even to herself. Being an introvert myself, I guess I’m offended by that.

But it got me thinking about these delusions we all have about ourselves. Sometimes we have delusions that we are not as good as we think we are..we see ourselves as fat and ugly when at the worst, we’re average. Those aren’t good. But then are the ones when we think we’re much better (or just different) than we think we are. Maybe we really were like that one day. Or maybe we just want to be that way. For me, I have this delusion that I am assertive and independent and that I don’t care what people think of me. I blaze my own path and fuck the world. I’ll do it my way. I’ve realized lately how ridiculously untrue this is. I’m a timid follower. There are a lot of people in the world who will gladly tell me what to do, and I just as gladly let them. It saves me the trouble of making a decision, and saves me the conflict of sticking up for myself. Yes I encourage it just the same.

Some examples. I’m 34 years old and have been driving since I was 17. I learned to drive in a place that was much busier, crazier, faster than where I live now. I know how to drive. So, on the rare occasion that I end up driving us to work (we carpool) why does he feel the need to talk me through it? “Are your lights on?” Then he reaches over and turns on my defrost, level 4. “What are you doing?” I ask. “You were fogging up,” he says. Who is driving the effing car? But he does that to everyone. We pass a car on the highway “That guy needs to turn his lights on. It’s the law.” What is he going to make a citizen’s arrest? My friend D at work is like that too. Always right, and if people don’t agree with her, theyr’e just plain stupid.

The other night I had an interesting twist on my existential nightmares. I recently decided to be an atheist and I think this was my subconscious mind’s way of working through it. I was sort of awake, or in a state that is not awake or asleep, and I was “dreaming” that god existed, and I was very upset/scared by this. I don’t want someone watching me, judging me, making decisions for me. It scared the crap out of me. It’s like I would think a thought and there woudl be god, knocking on my window, saying “i’m here!” (i think it was a branch or something knocking on the window). At any rate, I was scared shitless and turned the light on. It was about midnight and J says “What are you doing” Me: “I had a nightmare.” J: “I’m right here. Turn the light off.” Me: whimper whimper “ok” light off, scared shitless. J: snore.

Meanwhile, every night I go to bed wicked early because I’m obviously depressed and just want to go to sleep. I turn the light off, start drifting off. Up comes J. Loudly. Turns the light on. Reads for an hour as I try to sleep. First, I would never do that. It’s rude. But that’s the way it is. But for him to complain when I have a nightmare and turn the light on. It pisses me off. I’m a bitter wife. I’ve expressed this to him.

Anyway, my point is that I’m tired of being pushed around. I’m also tired of being a coward about my own life. I’m so afraid of conflict that I just coast along, miserable. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.

At any rate, I’m going on vacation on Saturday. With J. So it would be better if we got along. I have some good ideas for my novel. I’m going to flesh them out right now as a form of escapism. And maybe I’ll work everything out in fiction form and then maybe it will inspire me to make some damn changes in my own life.

Or maybe it’s just the winter blahs. Or maybe I’ll say that every damn year for 20 years until I’ve been miserable for half my effing life. Who knows.

…so are scenes, images, characters.

The remnants of a Valentine’s day gift basket… a woman enjoying a chocolate cream pie. Not just the taste, but the striations of the beige graham cracker crust, the chocolate cream, and the mauve mousse.

The virtues of a near tasteless dinner.

3rd year medical residents at a job fair. Where should I work? Where will I live? How will I repay my loans?

In-laws buying a metallic blue sporty convertible. Better than a motorcyle.

A potholed road in late winter.

Realizing you’ve matured because you can take showers in public restrooms without getting grossed out about cooties.

A girl who runs away from home and becomes a semi-famous musician. Her father is a preacher.

Drinking margaritas from martini glasses. How fun is that?

Yes, they’re everywhere. And from now on I’m going to write them down. We refinanced our house today and we will officially be mortgage free in 15 years 1 month and 6 days. Sounds like retirement to me. Noo…. it sounds like a full time writing career. In the meantime, I will prove my passion by writing despite having to endure the pain of getting up at 6 am and slogging through 8-9 hours of work that bores me to tears. I know… I’m so different than most people, huh? Most people love their jobs. : )

At any rate, I’m making a commitment to think of ideas every day and to write every day. So off I go to do just that.

random day.

1. What is the point of twitter? Why would people want to know what I’m doing constantly. Update: I’m farting! Wait, now I’m burping. Thinking about going to the bathroom… information overload.

2. I have a facebook account for whatever reason (because I have to try every new online stupid thing except twitter in order to feel like a member of society). All of a sudden everyone wants to be my facebook friend. I think it finally hit the “tipping point.” This was confirmed by the fact that my luddite sister is now on.

3. I’m inordinately depressed by the fact that a manufactured holiday has made me feel completely unfulfilled in my marriage. At this point, I’m trying to decide between having an affair or getting a divorce.An affair would be easier…

4. Weight watchers has pretty much gone out the window. Sad because it was finally working. I just like food too much. It’s not that I’m an emotional eater. I just freaking like food.

5. I have a freelance project that will earn me about $1,000. Even though it’s boring as hell, I’m really happy about it. Stockpiling money makes me happy. It’s a second substitute for stockpiling food, but probably just as good as long as the economy doesn’t collapse.

6. I have a big crush on a really tall contractor guy who dismantles/mantles cubicles at my office. I’m thinking he may play into #3. He gave me “the look” yesterday and in my standards, that’s pretty much all I’m asking for. I hope there are a lot more cubicles going up somewhere.

7. I watched The Secret Life of Bees last night and balled all the way through it. Something about those chick flicks just get to me. I think Sue Monk Kidd rocks the house.

8. I’m planning on devoting Monday exclusively to writing.

9. J bought me red wine even though I said I didn’t want any. Of course I was lying. Are we making progress?

Well I canceled ladies night because only 3 people were going to show up. I was a little annoyed because the people who said they would show up didn’t, but that’s ok. Honestly, I’m not really in the mood for people anyway. I guess it’s just winter blues, but I feel bad. In the morning, no matter how much sleep I get I have this intense tiredness behind my eyes. Like this raw tired that doesn’t go away, and it’s exhausting just experiencing it. Then I feel kind of weepy all the time. and irritable! It’s annoying.

Yeah… Well, I’m 8 points over for the day and I have a weigh in tomorrow. I think I might lose a pound or so. I’m not as motivated as i was, but I’m still doing better than usual. If I can quit smoking and diet at this time of year.. plus keeping up with my exercise routine, it’s all good. I wrote a poem this morning. I want to eat more ice cream. I should just go to bed…

the confident, self-assured, accomplished, insightful person I aspire to be. Honestly, I thought by the time I approached 35, I’d be doing much better in that regard than I am. Actually, honestly I thought I’d be dead by now… so maybe that anticipation caused me not to plan very well.

But I continue to try. I have to think that self-awareness is the first step, though I could be ass backwards wrong about that too. I’ve come to terms fairly recently that I have an absolutely insane fear of rejection. I mean, I know everyone has this fear pretty much. But I somehow hid that from myself for a long time. I just acted like I didn’t care and never took too many personal risks with people. I liked whoever liked me. Well, I guess we all do that. But here’s the thing. I’m hosting ladies night for the girls I work with. We rotate it around to different houses, and every now and then I’ll show up. I offered up my house to be polite, thinking no one would really want to drive this far. Enough people accepted that I had to go through with it, and now I’m terrified no one will show up and it will be totally lame. Is that an irrational fear or what? Like I’m seriously anxious about it. I even bought some frozen h’ors d’euvres. And toll house cookies. I don’t entertain very often.

Oh well.. I suppose I will just proceed on the assumption that someone (anyone) will show up and will vow to have unawkward interactions with whoever that may be. At least I’m trying right? This is the year for “personal interactions” so the least I can do is try.

Next… I think I will write more poetry. That may solve my problem with plot. Instead…heartbreak heartbreak heartbreak. I’m so stuck on that theme in my stories…which is odd given I’m a happily married woman.I’m like Danielle Steele. Stuck on a theme…except she does that happy ending crap. Lame! That always just seems so finite and well, rather boring. It’s fine for life, but for a book? yuk.What’s she trying to do, make us all feel inadequate? Not that I’m a big…um… follower of hers. But good writing is good writing, and if that many people are reading them, then I can’t knock it.

And finally, I’m tired of dieting, I’m tired of not smoking, and I’m tried of working. Maybe I’ll write poems about these things. As soon as I practice piano. I’ve been memorizing the theme from Cider House Rules for my June recital (never too early, right?) and now I just need to find something to play for my March recital. I’m getting a little tired/annoyed/frustrated with my teacher. She’s continually 15 minutes late for a half hour lesson, and not only is that rude to me, but it’s rude to the poor chidlren and parents after me. I mean, it’s a weeknight, at dinner time, after school… why can’t she just stick to a schedule so people can plan around it. I think it’s passive aggressive and just utterly rude and it really gets my blood boiling. It’s completely disrespectful and eventually she’s going to piss me off enough that I’m going to give up one thing I truly love. Because I just don’t have the discipline to play without getting a lesson every week! And I’m also sick of being her therapist. Yes, you need to lose weight. So do I. That’s why I’m doing weight watchers and starving myself to death! sigh…

Wow, not sure where that came from. I did my weight lifting and my 12 minute cardio intervals at the gym tonight. Now I’m trying to come up with a brilliant theme involving trees for our employee appreciation dinner in May. So far…nothing. We couldn’t grow without you? blah! We leaf you! ha ha ha.. oy veh. Never leaf me! Don’t you ever leaf! What you dont’ beleaf me?

good. After blowing off my writing group pretty regularly for most of the fall and winter, I’ve redevoted myself to it, and I’m so glad! They are just so nice and supportive, it’s just insane. I mean, it’s not a group of my best friends or anything. Most of them are older women (and one older man) and usually I feel a bit like the odd person out. But then we start reading our stuff and writing, and I just really appreciate everything they say to me. They encourage me in subtle ways.There is really only one “serious” writer in the group, who actually revises stuff and submits it (gasp!). Sometimes I feel like she is pretentious, but I don’t think that’s it. She’s just further along then the rest of us. Besides, don’t they say to hang out with people who are a little better than you? It inspires you to catch up to them. : ) A little motivation never hurt. Tonight I went home and started revising a story I started on Sunday. Holy crap…I’m actually writing! I suppose I think of it as starting a “book,” but I’m trying to work on it a story at a time, and then weave stuff together if that works out. Or leave it as a story. We’ll see.

I’m tired. The weekend was uneventful, quick, but nice enough I suppose. My father in law gave us some smelts, which are fish if you don’t know. They’re little… bigger than sardines, but not by too much. Maybe 5 or 6 inches long. The town I live in has someone who runs a smelt house business. I call them smelt shacks, but I guess that’s not politically correct. They are these little tin houses that they put out when the river freezes. People rent them out (by the day or hour I guess…) light fires, drink beers, cut a hole in the ice and fish. This is all secondhand because I have never done this, though I really want to. I don’t give a shit about eating smelt, it’s just the experience I wanted. But given free food, I thought I’d at least try it. I dipped them in tempura batter and deep fried them. Then I ate them bone and all. J picked the meat off, but I thought that was wimpy. Some people even eat the heads (so I read online). Anyway, I’m on WW so I couldln’t eat much and I already had to make salmon before it went bad. And I got rid of the rest of my old potatoes by making baked fries. So it was too much food and now we have too many fishy leftovers. Anyway, the smelt was okay. Not bad, not something I’m dying to try again. But I’d still like to go smelt fishing.

hmm… I’m sleepy. God forbid I make it to 9 pm.

my weight loss mojo, but trying to stay motivated. I’ve been doing everything right… counting points (aka starving), exercising, weight lifting, even yoga… and I’ve lost hardly any weight. It could be that I’m just getting older and it’s harder the older you are, it could be that I’ve had pms/my period, it could be that I’m actually building muscle (though theoretically that would in turn burn more calories). I’m the kind of person that gets motivated by immediate results and gets discouraged when I work hard with no results. But I’m trying…

We went out to dinner on Friday night, mostly because I was depressed about not being able to get away this weekend. I was really looking forward to going to New Hampshire. Usually I look forward to stuff until it happens then I just want to stay home. This time, I really wanted to go. I’m in a funk and I want to get out of it! So instead we had a nice dinner where I ate way too much, while still eating way less than I normally would have. I’ve cut back on my exercising a bit just because I’m damn tired of it! I need to find a happy medium here, where I’m doing something sustainable yet which will eventually help me lose a pound or two.

So that’s that. J is out scraping ice off the roof and I’m afraid he’s going to kill himself. It’s warm today… in teh 40s, which truly is like a heat wave. The snow is melting and I can see my withered up pansies in my window boxes for the first time in months. Winter’s still definitely here, but it’s a middle aged man right now. He’s on his way out! I always forget how rough winter really is. It’s really unfathomable until you’re in it. Sort of like summer (but in the opposite way). I’m hankering for gardenign like you wouldn’t believe. It’s literally like a craving.

I have a ton of laundry to fold and iron. I only do it on the weekends so I’m always a weekend behind (at least). I hate doing it. I feel like I’ve been shopping too much, but I still seem to have lots of money. It’s weird. I spent $50 on wine yesterday and $127 at the grocery store. I budget for a $100 a week, but I’m not sure it’s ever actually happened. It just seems like 2 people should be able to live on much less than that. But we splurge on salmon and shrimp and then there’s teh cat food or vitamins…every week there’s one thing that puts me over.

My sister asked if I wanted to go to New Orleans in April and I think I will. If I can get a cheap ticket. We just refinanced the house for 15 years but think we can really do it in 10. That way, (assuming we remain married and in this house) we’ll be one step closer to financial indepence by the time we’re 45! Not too shabby. I’ve been fantasizing about a writer’s life…sleeping in, working for a few hours a day, etc. etc. I dread work.

My mom sent me the usual Russel Stover chocolates for valentines day. : ) She’s so sweet. I’ve had 2 already today (3 points).Well, my plan is to finish the book I’m reading (After Dark by Haruki Murakami), do my ironing, go for a walk, make salmon for dinner, and try not to think about going to work tomorrow.