Getting focused
It’s been kind of a perfect storm of grumpiness, as I’ve told before. Quit smoking, hungry all the time, pms.. now my “female” problems have returned (I was pain free for about 3 weeks) and it just makes me want to cry. Work is weird and I’m irritable. The exercise I think has helped keep my mood ok, especially since I tend to get really bad at this time of year, but now even exercise is making me grumpy. The gym is crowded and I feel like all I ever do is 1) wait in line for a machine 2) work out 3) shower 4) come home, eat, sleep, and do it all over. And even more than that, I’m getting this insane resentment of J. I’m living his life. We carpool according to his timetable (he screams out as I’m half done with my hair and no clothes on “5 minutes!”), we go to the gym when he wants to (everynight)… etc etc.
I’ve always had these two conflicting things about me. An insane need for independence, and a gnawing need to not cause conflict. I talk a tough game about independence, but in reality, I’m so easy to influence it’s just stupid. And then I become bitter even though I have no one but myself to blame for playing someone else’s game. Then comes the lashing out phase. Me and J have been very mean to each other lately. We pretend it’s cool and funny that we’re not all lovey dovey like other couples but can just berate each other constantly. Why be nice when I can call him an asshole and he can call me a bitch and we can not even bother to get mad about it.
Anyway, dirty laundry aired, my point is that I just need to set my own priorities here. As much as it would be nice to work out every night (and never see any results), I have other priorities. I need to write, for one. Despite having a super shitty, anxious day (I smoked one cigarette… my friend D at work keeps my pack of smokes and when I say the magic word (aaaahyhhhhh!) she gives me one…only 2 so far in a MONTH), I had a surge of creative juices on the way home. But I’m also on the verge of tears. God being a woman is an interesting experience.
whaa whaa bitch moan.
I’m sure I’ve written this before, but I have sort of this thing about Venus. When I was 10 I decided I would name my daughter Aphrodite. Something about that name spoke to me. Whe I was in college I bought a print of Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus.” I had taken an art history class and fell in love with Boticelli. Then someone said I looked liked Venus in that painting (holy compliment of my life!) and since then it’s just all venus all the time. Well not really. But now I’m trying to get this novel started and I don’t know where else to start but with Venus. Im rambling. Sorry.
And now my lip starts to pucker and my eyes to start to squeeze shut and I think about all the things that have ever made me feel like crying. Like the men with promise, who I thought would answer to “the love of my body and soul.” And the thoughts that kept me up all night last night till my alarm rang at 6 am and it was still pitch black and I entertained thoughts of it still being about 1:30 in the morning. And all the crap.. and all the lives being lived that I am absolutely no part of it Isn’t it sad to realize you have no bearing on 99.99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 pieces of existence? Even though in your own existence they may be a 99. And oh shit it’s time for just one more glass of wine becuase it’s really all just too goddamn dreadful to even think about rationally.
