Thanks for the fish

I’m getting to know my characters all over again. Just writing for an hour a day, I went kind of stream of consciousness, sort of following a plot and making up my characters as I went along (often forgetting key things about them from day to day). Now, I’m trying to make sense of it all. I have index cards files for each character and I’m going through my draft discovering all kinds of crazy things about them like:

Kate never repeats men or places.
Joe never really wanted to live in the country.
Meryl will do everything in the house if you let her.
Doug says he’s allergic to cats, but he really isn’t.

This shit is fun. I’ve always liked editing. You take a pile of crap and mold it into something better. Good stuff! I did half an hour so far but feel like since J isn’t home I should try to do something around the house, you know… like clean. I haven’t done shit lately. He says he likes to clean and I’m all for believing him, but still, I feel slightly guilty. And slightly useless. He’s become a total running nut and he’s meeting his running club tonight, training for a 10k. He’s like superman. I don’t know what he’s doing with me. God, man… you change a lot in your 30s. Are we growing apart? But really… when we first met, we were even more different than we are now. Then we sort of assimiliated a bit.. and now we’re going off in different directions again. I don’t know if it’s bad or not. I just get mad because he’s so healthy and it makes me feel like a slob. HOw dare he make me feel bad? The a-hole. : ) But really, I think it’s great that he’s doing this. He always used to say as we went out for a walk “I wish I could run!” and I would say “You can! Just start slow.” And he would say “No, my body isn’t made for it.” But he did it. And he loves it.

And I’m doing my writing. This is part of our unspoken agreement. We won’t get in the way of each other’s dreams. That’s the way I want it. I don’t know if it was my mother or some other conduit that forced into my psyche “don’t let a man ruin your life!” It’s really a different generation speaking…I guess. But then I do know women who do too much. They take care of the child rearing, the finances, have a job. I just never wanted that… I just wanted to be equal. And I walk the walk. I don’t vaccuum, I don’t do laundry. I go to happy hour when I want. But then I feel guilty…or not just guilty.. like we’re doing it all wrong. Like we don’t love each other because we keep separate bank accounts.

OH boy… why do I insist on moaning about my marital problems/nonproblems here? I suppose I need a girlfriend to talk to, except I’m just not the type of person to talk about these things since really NOTHING IS WRONG. Clearly.

I got some new wrinkle cream for drugstore.com. Olay Pro-X…supposed to be as good as a prescription retinoid. It’s that time of year when the snow is melting, the threat of coats comign off is threatening and I realize, holy shit! I look like crap! : )

J just called. He’s 20 minutes from home so I better start cleaning! I CAN redeem myself in one night!

Left work at 4:15 because my boss wasn’t there and I got there at 7:30. My friend D isn’t at work so I was left with two rather annoying, unintelligent coworkers. I know I should be compassionate, but hell, sometimes stupid people piss me off. Or just get on my nerves.

It’s times like this that I realize that most people are good hearted people becuase they don’t want to hear me talk about how the rest of the world are idiots. I’ll assume my dear readers are just as good hearted so I won’t go into my normal diatribe about how two of my coworkers are the dumbest people I have ever wroked with. Lucky you!

So I got home and tackled day 1 of editing my novel! It was fun. Way funner than I thought. I like it! The possibilities are just limitless. I’ve got my characters and a general plot, but now I can think about making them richer and deeper. It’s a little sad, but I’m actually starting to like the fictional world I’ve created way more than the actual life I’m living. And I’m starting to like my heroine more than me. Do you think this is a problem? I say no, because all I’m doing is writing down the fictional better world that has been in my head all along. Which is perhaps one reason why I’ve never been particularly pleased with the real world. But shit, if it’s my “bliss” who can judge me. So maybe I was just meant to be a fiction writer. If I accept that the real world will never live up, then where’s the harm?

I made some lentil soup for lunch tomorrow. For dinner I had 2 martinis, a bag of popcorn, and a carton of yogurt with walnuts. I have my weigh in tomorrow and dont’ have particularly high hopes. Oh well.. and I have been smoking, and even drinking diet coke. So what habit am I working on now, you ask? Um…um… there must be one I’m tackling. I haven’t smoked pot in 10 years. Does that count? A habit conquered is a habit conquered.

I talked to my sister today and realized that I don’t talk to her much anymore. She was mad because me and my parents were speculating about how much money she and her husband made and my dad was stupid enough to tell her that. He also got the figures slightly wrong. I guess being over 70 will do that to you. They make more money than god so I don’t know why she has such a complex. But apparently she still wants to be known as “the poor one” despite the fact that they paid nearly a million dollars for their house (ok, more like $650K or so). hmm…. whatever.

My other sister worries me. She seems rather unstable. So strange for my family…

And me, I’m unhappy and discontent as usual and am waiting for life to do something drastic to me because I don’t have the guts to do it myself.