Thanks for the fish

mind. Not that they are weird. It’s just weird that they are on my mind.

Twice I walked out of the office today with the exact same thought coming out of my mouth…”Wow, that was  total synchronicity!” I”m back on my synchronicity kick. I’ve been reading my “power of coincidence” book again and just like the last time I read it, now I’m seeing synchronicity everywhere. Plus, we watched a movie last night called “The air I breathe” or something like that with brendan frasier and forrest whitaker and that was all about synchronicity. Plus, I’m making that a theme in the book I’m still attempting to write.

Anyway, I have to start writing this stuff down. I already forgot what the first one was about, but this is the second one. I get my teeth cleaned in South Portland by a very nice dental hygienist named Sonya. She is from Bosnia (I think…or Croatia… I hate to admit but I really don’t know the difference). She’s very sweet and I can tell she is a little sad. She had a life over there and she moved here and now she’s a dental hygienist. I’m sure she’s making ok money, especially for Maine, but god… how hard would it be to move from your home country and settle in Maine? I mean, I love it here, but it would be sort of like moving from Kansas and going to Siberia (I guess)…and she has a husband and a baby and she talked her parents into coming over. I forget the whole story because it was told to me months and months ago, but the gist is that they are well-educated people who had good jobs in Bosnia(Croatia?) and they don’t speak english. They moved here and the only job they could get, while they study english, is as cleaning people. Somehow we realized that they work in the very office I work in. Which is very odd because it’s not like I work in a high rise. My company owns the whole building, so it’s pretty coincidental.

So at first I thought she was wrong…she was just saying “Yeah that must be the place they work” because it’s on that street - a major street in Portland. Then I started to notice the cleaning crew. Yes, there was an older couple who looked foreign (how do I know? I dunno). Well, months pass… I notice this all in passing. Then I start thinking about them. I see them more often. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about them. Well, that’s the end of the story. There’s nothing else, but it’s like I want to help them. Or be kind to them. I saw the wife last night and she smiled at me and I just want to… I don’t know! I feel for them.

So that was a stupid story. I was really mad at a coworker on Monday. By Tuesday afternoon I was trying to be civil. By this morning, I was being quite nice, if reserved. then I found out his father’s cancer is back and will probably die. I was glad I wasn’t still being a bitch to him.

My posts make no sense anymore. I am sorry! Well it’s 8:15 and I have piano tomorrow and it’s been ugly lately. I’ll put in a solid half hour and then I’m sketching out my scenes for my novel. Here’s my one sentence synopsis. Don’t steal it:

A greeting card writer accidentally burns down her house and decides to turn platitudes on the page to passion in her life.

What do you think?

in Maine and spring in Maine:

Winter - have shitty day at work, come home, get drunk, go to bed.

Spring - have shitty day at work, have glass of wine, do million things that need to be done that you actually enjoy, go for walk, go to bed forgetting why day at work was so shitty.

It’s 6:39 pm. I’ve had a giant delicious salad, a few glasses of wine, and a filet of haddock for dinner. The sun will not go down for 1 more hour so I have 20 minutes to get the window screens out of the shed and bring them inside, water my raised bed, window boxes, and seedlings in the basement, get my tennies on and go for a half hour walk. Then, put the screens in, write the “working outline” for Act 1 of my novel, and do some writing. I should practice piano for my June recital but I already accept the fact that that will not happen.

Things are popping in the garden. I have daffodils everywhere. Weeds are coming up…lots of things are coming up! I’ve nixed my patio and the herb garden for this year (my two big projects). I want to finish edging all my beds with inlaid bricks. I want to rip out my whipped on rhodos and my dying holly. I want my front beds to start looking good. So  yet again, I abandon the patio and decide to go for the “maintenance” route one more year. I know eventually my garden will look fabulous and take care of itself. It’s just not quite there yet.. But damn it makes me happy anyway.

Work fucking blows and that’s all I’ll say about that.

17 minutes left to finish my glass of wine and do items listed above. Chug, chug, chug!

I’ve noticed lately I’ve resorted to unintelligible sounds like “bluh” or even “blugchtierblu” in leui of saying something I can’t articulate and would probably regret anyway. Is this the beginning of the end? When I start acting like a crazy old person? ha ha.

Yeah, so in my head I have categorized today as “a shitty day” of the discouraging and deflating variety. And yet I can’t get myself to really admit to why it was a shitty day because that would make me realize that I actually care about some things that I wish I didn’t. Like work and ego and boys and looks and jealousy and pride. So I won’t! la la la.

Went for a 2 mile job outside; the weather is absolutely beautiful! LOVE spring. la la la! Seriously…this time of year it’s so much easier to come home, take a walk through the garden, and say “fuck it all, I have daffodils!” The jog and the martini helped too. And now I have a homemade pizza in the oven, with my homemade cheese (will you forgive me if I give msyelf a pep talk here, I kinda need it)… because I rock! I’m good at something goddamn it and I don’t care about anything else…whaaa sniifffle sniffe. K.. got that out of my system.

Tomorrow we have guests over for dinner and then Sunday we’re going kayaking!!! Yay!!!! Fuck responsibilities and what I should be doing. I’m having fun this weekend. And I might even go fuckign shopping. Fuck yeah!

I am a horrible friend. I really am. I never know what to say when people are upset. I laugh at everything even if someone is crying and sometimes I want to tell them to stop whining already. Meanwhile, I have some very good friends who I’m sure would act totally differently toward me if the shoe was on the other foot.

Sooo… I have a friend at work, who is very loyal to me, and I am very loyal to her, but she’s kind of the type of person who always has to have something to be upset over. It’s obvious right now that she is in an unhappy funk, and I don’t know if it’s work that’s causing her unhappy funk, or if she’s just blaming work for it. Work is ok. Work is work. It’s not that good, it’s not that bad. She was in tears today and all I could do was tell her that her panties were all in a bundle for no good reason. I think perhaps I could’ve given better advice. Sigh…

But not to jump on the discontent bandwagon but I have to admit I’m pretty discontent myself. No, I’m just fucking bored. I’m bored at work and I don’t want to do my job. OH, hubbie is home and upset. Must console and make up for my lack of being a good frined. Instead I will attempt to be a good wife. ewwww that doesn’t sound fun. : ( sounds awful.

When I wrote yesterday that I planned to get up at 5 am to do some writing, I know what you were thinking. “HA HA HA HA HA yeah right!” And if you know me at all, that would be within the bounds of perfectly reasonable thinking. But you know what, I did it. I got up at 5 am, I laid there for 10 minutes trying to remember a yummy dream, and then I opened my laptop and stared at a blank screen for 30 minutes. So ha!

No, I wrote down a few things… man, it’s not easy coming up with a good plot. But this is my new plan of attack: Get up at 5 am everyday and stare at a blank screen until I come up with a plot. Now there’s motivation and there’s MOTIVATION (I likey me sleepy), so I think this could work. I gotta say though, I’m feelin’ it right now. I could go to bed right now.

But… it felt really good to get my day off to a good start. I also wrote my morning pages, which is this journaling thing recommended by Julia Cameron. I think it’s worthwhile and yet I hardly ever do it I also think not drinking is worthwhile, and yet here I sit with my glass of Writer’s Block Syrah. I also went for a 30 minute walk at lunchtime. That seems like an unrelated wine-altered thought, but it’s not. My point is that you CAN get stuff done even when you work a 9 hour day and commute for 2 hours. It’s not ideal, for sure, but you can do it.

And to make myself sound even more perfect than I already do, I stopped at HD on the way home and picked up 20 bricks, 2 bags of sand, and a trenching shovel. I’ll give you a moment to guess what I’m going to do with these materials (just because I like guessing games and maybe you do too)…….. ready? Survey says: Edging garden/lawn border with inlaid bricks. I’m so kicking ass on the garden schedule this year. I mean, c’mon, it’s only April. In Maine, that’s like still winter, so I’m way ahead of schedule. Wait, I need to go look at my raised bed out the window, hold on…. Awwww….heart melting! thing of beauty! I’m in love with food!

So J’s out jogging and my plan was to actually use those materials and actually do something, but now I’ve had half a (big) glass of wine and I’m hungry and hitting the wall. But I have the stuff, and that’s the first step. Maybe I’ll think about my plot some more (aka stare at a blank screen) and take it easy tonight. After all, it’s fucking Monday and unlike my husband I am NOT Superman.

already be Monday? It’s just not possible. Saturday we ran errands all day… post office (return stuff I didn’t like, mail birthday present for sister), grocery store, farmer’s market (honey and eggs), borders (birthday present for dad), gym (jogged for 2 miles!, lifted weights), shower, home (put away groceries), drive to parents house 2.5 hours away, visit, have dinner, drive home, road blocked off for accident, get lost, finally get home.

Today I slept in and then went out and put together the raised bed I bought from yardiac.com. It was simple enough to put together but you need to pound these fat wooden stakes into the ground. Ordinarily that wouldn’t be too hard except that section of the yard is full of rocks which are always right where you want to dig. Big rocks too. So after a lot of pounding and digging and pickaxing I finally got it put together. It’s slightly crooked but I dont’ really give a f**k. Then we put our 2 year old compost pile in it which is mostly composted, but has a few twigs left. Then we went to HD and bought more dirt, plus pansies and spinach and lettuce. I got everything planted and I’m extremely happy with it. I just stared at it for a while. I’ve wanted raised beds since I moved in here. It’s a thing of beauty. Fresh greens right outside the door.

I just realized that I’m absolutely pooped. I made potato and parsnip latkes and had a beer. Then I went for a walk, came back in and had 2 more latkes. They are basically glorified hash browns that you have for dinner instead of breakfast. Yummy. But greasy. I’ve tried to work on my book today but I still can’t figure out the plot. You would’ve thought that whole “first draft” thing would’ve found a plot in there somewhere, but no. It’s frustrating but I recognize that it’s all part of the process. The 30 minutes I spent agonizing about it today I’m sure will pay off. Next I need a shower and you know how brilliant ideas always come to you in the shower. Wish me luck. Then I’m getting to bed early because I’m deluding myself with the idea that I will get up at 5 tomorrow and agonize about my book for an hour before work. 

Somehow when J is home, I manage to make a half assed effort of being a semi-productive member of the household. Yes (see last night’s post), that often involves laying in bed and “working on my book.” The sad fact is that when he isn’t home, it’s even worse. I feel like I need to take advantage of the freedom and do…. what? I don’t know… drink too much booze, eat too much sugar, and cruise for cute boys online?? Yeah… I’ve had my one martini and frankly don’t desire another. There’s nothing too decadent in the house and I’m not really hungry. I wouldn’t know how to find a cute boy online and what to do with one if I did. And so I sit here in my bathrobe, making microwave popcorn, seemingly immobilized.

I should wrap up the order from Anthropologie.com that I was so looking forward to and ending up being so much cooler online.

I should wrap up the very expensive skirt they sent me accidentally that I will now give to my sister for her birthday since she thinks I’m cheap ($88 skirt… mine for a $5 necklace that they apparently got it confused with lucky me)

I should check on my herb seedlings and see if they have germinated

I should work on my book

I should do some resistance training

I should do some reading

I should try to figure out why I have no money this month

I should get the popcorn from the microwave..I will… hold on.

I should update my other blog because my mother reads it and says she is sorely disappointed when I don’t update it

I should send in my flexible spending account claim form

I should look in my gumbo shop cookbook and try to figure out how to make red beans and rice

I should make a grocery list for saturday

I should try to find something exciting to put on my should list! Hot diggity damn I’m boring.

Had quite a fun day at work. I shined like a doorknob rubbed down with snot, as they say. I was also at a low point on the scale this morning. And my hair actually looks good on a regular basis. AND the daffodils are blooming. I suppose life is good. I must resist the urge to go off in 10 different directions and remain focused. Nevermind the “shoulds” this is what I will do:

Update my other blog.
Pack up my sis’ present
Pack up my order
Go up and do some goddamn writing goddamnit.
After I eat this popcorn that tastes like styrofoam.

and your dream will come true. What did you want to be when you grew up? I had no big plans. I can’t say I always wanted to be a writer, becuase I didn’t. I wasn’t even much of a reader until college. And the only reason I picked English as my major was because I seemed to have an aptitude for it (and I absolutely hated economics). I can’t say I really wanted to be anything. But there was one thing I never wanted to be and that was a GIRL. Don’t get me wrong, I was never a tomboy (though I wished I was), I just didn’t want to be a girl. I didn’t want to wear dresses. I was ashamed of the silly things girls did. I still am. And now look at me. I’m laying in bed, with my laptop as my husband is on his hands and knees scrubbing the tub. I have accomplished my life’s true goal. I am a man. With boobs. I think I will stick my hands down my pants and play with my imaginary balls just for fun.

Everyone is sick here. I’ve been feeling run down, except when I went to New Orleans this weekend, I felt fine. now I’m back and am feeling fatigued and headachy again. I haven’t been drinking much because I’m on a bit of a health kick. No drinks for 2 nights and then just a weak martini tonight. I’ve given up red meat and have picked up the afternoon Peanut Butter Cup. I suppose all my health juggling is a wash… one good habit picked up, one bad habit picked up. One bad habit dropped, one good habit dropped.

Last night I jogged and enjoyed it. I think I went about 1.5 miles. Tonight I went to yoga and enjoyed it. My weight has neither gone up nor down, but with all the salads I’ve been eating, I suppose I’ll be on the road to svelteville soon. I just have the desire to be healthy lately. It must be a spring thing.

I’m sleepy but I plan to work on my book for a few minutes. I’m not getting very far and am trying not to get discouraged.

I’m getting a lot less forgiving in my old age. I think I’m going through an angry period. I’ve decided to blow off 2 more people. one of them is my oldest sister. the other is a man who blew me off 2 years ago and hasn’t contacted me since. I’m sure he never will. Yet psychologically I have now cut the cord. Emotional baggage is too heavy to lug around and I’ve got better things to do.

I’m almost 35. I’m not scared by that, worried about it, feel nostalgic about it, or am ashamed of it. In fact, I think it’s pretty spectacular.

People exhaust me and so does my ego. And that I suppose is enough random stuff for tonight. Good night!

fritz…never a good sign. I think I’ll have to buy a new one. frankly, I’m impressed it’s lasted as long as it has. It’s a thing of beauty. I dont’ expect this post to end successfuly because none have lately. I wrote an absolutely hilarious and brilliant post last night and as soon as I was done, the window closed and poof! it was gone. Then I lost all internet connectivity. Luckily I’m married to a fabulous IT genius who was able to fix it.

I’ve been a bit ill and now I’m going out of town for 4 whole nights. sob! Tomorrow we’re going to a 9/11 conspiracy talk in Portsmouth, then spending the night in Portland and then J’s driving me to to the airport at 5 am to go to New Orleans. I’m looking forward to it, but when push comes to shove, shit, I’d rather stay home. But I do love to travel, even if I have to force myself out of my comfortzone. IT’s a good thing.

Had a good time tonihgt at the in-laws. They’re crazy but always entertaining. I just erased this entire post and then was able to undo. I’m starting to hate this fucking computer. On that note, i have to pack.

I have a writing room of my own! I bought my Pacific Blue Dell inspiron yesterday at best buy for $500 and now it’s all set up with wireless (why is thi underlining? it keeps doing weird things!) annoying. But back to being happy… I’m set up at a sunny window overlooking the pond and the ducks are flying back and forth. Windows vista and the laptop keyboard are taking a little getting used to. Windows keep disappearing. I thought I just lost this one, but I guess I just opened up a new tab. Anyway, I did 30 minutes of editing. I think I need a new chair though because my back is killing me.

I also have my itunes on here and a wireless connection (why is it in italics now?) annoying!! grrr… anyway! I bought a 4X4 cedar raised bed from yardiac.com and I continue to have fantasies about growing tons of food.

David Sedaris was an absolute riot! He basically justread new material that he’s working on. Some were very funny. We also had dinner at a nice restaurant and realized that were both allergic to eating out. It makes me sick every time, which is a shame since eating is the thing I enjoy most in life. Oh well… heading ot New Orleans on Friday for a weekend with my sis so there should be lots of tummy aches in my future. : ) Anyway, other than annoying things my new computer is doing and an uncomfortable chiar, life is good!!!!!!!!!!!