Thanks for the fish

the nest. I’m floored. Tragedy did not strike. Every now and then there is a happy ending! Who knew? Now we can go out our front door again. I’ll miss seeing those lil’ buggers though. They were so cute. When we got home last night, J said there were 2 left in the nest out of the original 3. From what I had read online (very reliable), I thought one would leave the nest per day since they supposedly hatched one per day. But the 2 left were actually standing outside the nest, on the rim, so in retrospect, it should have been obvious that they were about the fly the coop. But alas, I missed the critical moment. Oh well! I hope they’re faring well in the world. I won’t talk about about the other tragedies of nature I’ve seen over the last few days. Spring is rough!

I’m sure this is a seasonal thing but I’ve been wanting things again. Badly. Mostly, I want a nightfire red mini with black bonnet stripes, a black hood, and the cold weather package plus a sunroof. For $18,900, I can have that. I was tempted for a few days, but you know I’m too cheap to go through with it. If I didn’t need my subaru for practical reasons, I would totally trade it in. But perhaps it’s excessive to have 2 cars just because I can (though J does). So I’ve wanted a mini for a while and there’s one other thing I’ve wanted for a long time. Ferrets. That’s not so much a financial constraint (though they do tend to have expensive medical bills), but more a talking J into it constraint, and a time constraint. Do I really want the committment? When push comes to shove, probably not right now. But I found 2 at the local animal shelter and I would like to save them. But it’s such an emotional committment. They get sick, they die. I about go to pieces when I see an injured crow on the side of the road. Just not sure I can deal with it right now. But I wish I had more chutzpah.

Then I looked through the J Crew catalog and wanted to buy all kinds of things. Then I thought…well if I’m not going to get the mini, then what am I saving all this money for? I’m kind of in limbo financially. I don’t have enough to do anythign really good with it, but I have more than enough to splurge on something like clothes. Soo… I’ve been gaining some weight lately. Abandoned weight watchers. But I started thinking that if I could lose 15 pounds, then wouldn’t a $1000 J Crew shopping spree be fun. Of course, I’m too cheap to actually do that, but maybe I can trick myself into thinking that I will in order for me to be inspired to stop eating like I’m in a blueberry pie eating contest. Honestly girl.Oink.

My birthday is tomorrow. My coworkers have been really nice. One bought me a bottle of lemon liquor. Another a bottle of wine. My boss took me to breakfast. J got me a certificate to a shotgun safety class! and a certificate to a spa/healing center place. They have latin dance classes so that’s what I’m signing us up for! I can’t wait. We also took half days today and he took me to lunch at a place I have wanted to try for a long time. It’s enough to make a girl feel warm and fuzzy. tomorrow is dinner with the folks.

Well… I guess I should work on my book since I haven’t done that for a few days. Gotta keep the momentum going. Happy Friday!

struck! Call it summer mania but I’m on an intellectual roll lately. My revamped book is flowing like lava and I’ve got ideas up the yazoo. Each night I sit at my laptop and look out over the pond, wine glass in hand, and write 600 or more effortless words in what will become The Next Great American Novel, or at least A Published Decently Written Novel that Promises to Be Mildly Entertaining. Good fun.

In addition, I’ve started a new blog. No, no, no, dont’ feel obligated to read it. It’s too much! No really! Well, since you are pathetically begging, I’ll think about it. I actually owe it to my sister for encouraging me. This was the idea for my next book, but we decided (collectively) that I should start it as a blog. That way I can get a following and make it easier to sell the compiled posts as a book. We’re geniuses, pretty much.

Being at work all day puts a bit of a damper on all my plans but I’m taking it as best I can and at least using it as a proving ground for new hair styles. Today I tried curly. Maybe a cold rainy day wasn’t the best choice for that. Slightly afrocious was the result, but it was worth a try. When I become a rich and famous author/blogger, I will need to have a good hair style, so now’s the time to experiment.

I’m cancelling all my extracurricular activities for the summer. No more yoga. Taking a break from piano. I need to concentrate on pursuits that will make me both happy and financially independent. Life is kind of fun when you decide to take the bull by the horns. As far as I’m concerned, the universe is here to serve me. And I mean that in the least ego-centric way possible.

Oh! I signed up for these notes from the Universe. It’s called tuts adventure club or something like that. The universe sends me these awesome emails Monday-Friday. Today’s said something like “As much as you want to be angry at someone, you can’t help but think how much you love them.” That was actually quite appropriate because despite my superpositivity lately, I’ve been a little miffed at a certain sister who bought me (no, I should say “got me” since I think it was a regfit) cellulite cream for my upcoming birthday. I’m not exactly pissed about it… but it does sort of make me think she’s a bitch. Overreacting?

But the universe is right. Of course I love her. Dearly.

And speaking of ego, I’ve really tried lately to let it go. It’s for the best. Last night, my coworker/friend and my boss/friend? were walking out together and they saw J’s car and him waiting for me, and I was walking toward them but they didn’t see me. I see my boss say something to my friend and then she saw me and did this very obvious “Oh here’s L!”…translation: shut up moron, she’s right there so stop talking about her. It took a minute for me to catch on, so that was good since I’m very bad at hiding my feelings. I don’t know what they were talking about, but just the thought that they were gossipping about me kind of brought me down. I suppose they could  be planning a giant surprise birthday party for me…. buuuuttt I think they were probably talking about J’s car. I hate to think they are that petty, and yet I sort of know that they are. But why get upset, right? This is sort of my mantra lately. Everyone else is so busy getting upset over all the trivial things that I do. And that everyone else does. It seems to me that the world needs someone who doesn’t. Enter me.

And with that, I’m off to pick fresh spinach out of the garden. J shoveled shit on the garden when I was out of town and even got the rust out of my trailer hitch. What a guy what a guy. And I’m gonna get upset over cellulite cream??? HA! (I’m really not upset.)

I’m 10 days away from turning 35 and I’m already kicking ass. This is the year I do it. This is MY year. I claim it right now.

My book is coming along swimmingly and I am an effing genius. Best seller list, here I come. This shit rocks. I’m not even making this up to make myself feel good. It’s really good. It’s awesome, I would read it, I would buy it, I don’t know what else to say. Loving it!!!

So there are 10 days left until I officially reach “the prime of my life” but I’m already living it. I had to stop writing just to make this post because I am so damn excited. This is my credo for life at and beyond 35. Are you ready?

* I will not get publicly drunk in front of my whole company. Please note last night I had the opportunity to do this, and I didn’t. Maturity! Self control! DIGNITY! I got it, baby.I soooo got it.

* I will NEVER AGAIN from this day forward apologize for who I am, what I am, what I said, what I did, what I believe, what I wrote, or how I look because you know what? I owe nothing to the world.

* I will not dread anything because every situation and every person and every minute is an opportunity to learn

* I will not blame anyone else for me not accomplishing what I want to accomplish, because it is ALL within my control

* I will appreciate my goddamn fucking awesome husband because he is the SHIT and I love him more than I will love anyone ever again. No matter what happens between us, he let me be who I am and he allowed my life to blossom into the current awesomeness that it is. He’s the greatest.

What else? Well, there’s more, but I have 10 more days to expostulate…??? I don’t thnk that’s a word. Anyway,back to my book.Isn’t getting older fucking awesome? it’s liberating, it’s freedom, it kicks ass. God I’m just getting better every goddman day and so is life.

I had a major breakthrough on my book. not only did I find a new setting (Spain), but I found a new narrator as well and she will give the book the much needed oomph it was looking for. Very exciting! Now I am dead set on going on this tour of spain and morocco http://www.goaheadtours.com/tours/SPM/following-the-alchemist-spain-to-morocco.aspx The only problem is that J now has his heart set on Greece. Now he’s doing his whole “I just won’t get my heart set on anything because you always change your mind” gig. And that’s pissing me off a little.

I’ve also had a bit too much red wine and am now feeling a little emotional. I won’t start a fight, I won’t start a fight. I better just go upstairs and do some reading. : )

My little inept robin has managed to incubate her eggs and they hatched today! I try to be discreet when I check on her because she gets mad, but I was able to crane my head enough to see 3 orange beaks awaiting lunch. Sooooo cute! They’re just little puff balls. I’m trying to give her the privacy she needs though. And for the record, I still expect the whole blasted affair to end in cataclysmic failure.

It’s been a nice, relaxing weekend. Yesterday I finished phase one of my brick edging project. I think it looks awesome. I’d post a picture but I’m too lazy to go out and take one. maybe I will tomorrow. Then we tried a new Italian place for dinner, which was very good and cheap too. Then we went to see Angels and Demons. I thought it was pretty entertaining. More exciting was a preview I saw for a movie called Julie & Julia or something like that. It’s about Julia Child and also about a woman who decides cook a Julia Child recipe every day for a year. I think I had heard of the book that this movie was based on. Anyway, it looks awesome. I haven’t been this excited about a movie since the last Harry Potter. : ) (new HP coming out in July too!)

Today, I slept in, then stayed in bed till I finished the Jane Austen biography I’ve been reading (Becoming Jane Austen). It was good… it was the right book for me to be reading right now as I am about to turn 35 and am still struggling with my stupid book. It’s nice to read a book about an author. Last night we also went to Borders and I bought a travel book called “Dark Star Safari” about a guy’s travels through Africa and “Mysteries of the Middle Ages.” I’m back in my random book buying phase, but I suppose I’ll just follow my interests and see where they take me.

My birthday is in just a few weeks and I am quite excited about turning 35. I’d like to throw myself a party, but that’s just too much trouble. Instead, I’ll just have to buy myself a really good present.

I went for a 2 mile jog yesterday. J wanted to jog with me so he could go slow and go further. But in the end, I was still too slow. I got a little pissed off at his superior act but it motivated me to jog the full 2 miles, so whatever. : ) What else? Well, I’m not thrilled about work lately and have been doing furious calculations to figure out how to ditch my job and not starve, but I just don’t think I’m that kind of person. You know…the risk taking kind. But god I wish I was! Oh well.. I’ll figure something out eventually. In the meantime, I have cheesy pasta and ice cream to bury my sorrows in.

days like this. It’s been rather rainy lately so the weekend weather was iffy. But the morning was sunny and pretty warm, so I got up early, made my steel cut oats (yum) and got outside by 9:30 or so. I’m working on a project to edge my garden from the lawn with inlaid bricks. I’m almost done with phase 1 and it looks pretty good. Obviously not professional, but why would I want it to look perfect anyway? That goes against everything I believe in. : ) Anyway, it was exhausting, and buggy, and hot, and then cold, and tiring but all in all, absolutely perfect. Then i did some weeding (the clover is already atrocious, as is the grass…probably all the rain), then I planted 3 new blue rug junipers in an effort to move things along in the anti-lawn campaign.

I had to finally break down and water the pansies in my window boxes. I’d been avoiding it since the mamma robin pitched camp. But the poor pansies were dying so I watered them and she flew away. Of course I panicked, despite the fact that I vowed to just ignore her and go on with my life. I just know it’s going to end in tragedy because nature always does, so I’m really trying hard not to get attached. She is so clearly an amateur. But she’s so lovely and she’s trying so hard. It would break my heart if I allowed that I had one. Damn stupid bird!

I keep trying to not spend money and so I spend more than ever. Went to Target and spent $79 on cat scratchers, mothers day cards, and a straightening iron (mine got fried in some freak electrical surge). I’ve had an afro for several days now. Maybe I should just try to embrace big hair.

Me and J keep talkign about the “end times” just becuase we are weird. He’s reading an apocolypic book and I insist on preparing us for the worst in pioneer woman style. Why are we so focused on this? Maybe because we’re watching season 2 of Jericho on Netflix. This series is so intelligently written and clearly by people who suspect the “official story” of 9/11. No wonder it was canceled. Dick Cheney obviously shut it down. But at any rate, if the end of the world comes, we’re screwed.

J is running in his first road race tomorrow but currently is having horrible stomach problems. I hope he feels better. I’m going to cheer him on because that’s just the kind of wife I am. Our 5th anniversary is coming up this year. I’m giving hints about rubies. I’m pretty happy. It’s summer-like. : ) Life is good and I’m doing everythign I love with all the people I love.

I didn’t get laid off. : ( Oh well. So much for conspiracy theories. But I think it was a valuable exercise anyway. I realized that I don’t care if I lose my job, which is rather liberating. I also realized I would be ok if I lost my job. I learned that I can live off a lot less than I previously thought. And somehow it’s even made me more productive by making me realize what I would rather be doing in the 11 hours I commute and am at work. So I might as well make time for them now.

Tonight I left work around 4:10. I’m hourly and I’ve put in 2 9.5 days in a row, so as long as it adds up to 40 hours (or more) at the end of the week I’m cool. So I took off, stopped at Home Depot and picked up 26 more bricks and 2 more bags of sand for inlaid brick project. Then stopped at the grocery store for necessities like wine and cucumbers and toilet paper. Then came home, did the dishes, emptied the compost pots, watered the lettuce, hung the laundry on the line, went for a walk, etc. etc. Then only thing left on my list is piano and writing. I think I’ll skip piano and do at least 30 minutes of writing. I’m finally on my way on the second draft.

So we have a robin that built her nest in a little tree right by our front door. The whole thing annoys me because I just know that nature never has a happy ending. Look little robin, is this really the best plan? Right by the front door? Really? Are you sure? The nest is hidden from the outside so she’s pretty camoflauged, and we’re doing all we can not to bother her, but she clearly knew that there were people walkign by there all the time. I guess she took us for suckers, which of course we are. We’re going in and out through the porch door or the back door now, but I got a package yesterday. I saw it by the front door and had to open the door to get it. She flew away, but went right back, so I dont’ really think it bothered her too much.

I did some research and this is the deal with robins. They lay eggs and when they have them all ready (could take days) they start incubating, which is the phase our lovely lady is in right now. That goes for 12-14 days. Then, hopefully they hatch and then they stay in the nest for 9-16 days. Then they leave the nest and the bird mites enter the house through the front door and drive me insane. That is the normal course of events, but obviously it will all end in tragedy because things like this always do. I am on a personal campaign to not care about anything or anyone anymore. It’s really easier that way, right? The world will keep spinning even without me moaning about everything all the time and trying to carry it all on my shoulders.

I’m thinking about quitting piano. And yoga. And weight watchers. I guess i’m past my Joining phase and am now in the unjoining phase (also known as becoming a reclue phase). So be it. I’ve got shit to do.

Dare I say what I’m actually thinking? Which is “don’t mind if I do.” This very weekend I said to J “I wish I’d get laid off so I could work on my book and do my gardening.” As if the universe answered my request, the last 2 days at work have had some strange omens, including my boss’s boss asking everyone in my little department to fill out sheets that detailed what our workflow was and what types of work did we do by percentages (for example, 80% crap work, 15% semi-crap work, and 5% non-crap work).

Honestly… I’d be fine if I got laid off. And yes, I do secretly hope for it. I’m getting sick of the people I work with. It’s summer in Maine and I’d rather not spend 11 hours of my waking time commuting and sitting in a cube farm. I have “emergency savings” and as silly as I’m sure it seems, I do really want to work on this novel. Do I think I’ll make a million dollars on it? No, I don’t. But I’d like to try anyway. I’m financially responsible, I’ve already figured out how much my bills cost each month (so I’m not a drain on my husband) and I have plenty of savings to carry me for at least 5 months, though in reality, much longer. So I just dare you to fire me! HA!

Besides… I’ve been unemployed before and even though it was a horrible, demoralizing experience, at least I’m not totally afraid of it now. Before, I was terrified at the prospect of not bringing in money. Now, I know we could handle it financially and I know I would eventually find a way to make money. People have been in worse situations and survived. Which brings me to my sister, who is in just that type of situation. She just quit her rather well paying job, for the second time, because it makes her totally miserable. Dumb? Perhaps. But I suppose life has a way of working itself out. And there’s always our parents to help out. : ) Happy Mother’s Day, Mom! (except I’m the only one who currently knows).

Well, time to get the cookies out of the oven. It’s cold and raining and I’m saying to hell with exercise! Bah!

cleaning crew tonight at 4:30 as I was leaving to go to my piano lesson. I saw both the husband and wife and they were both very stand-offish, as if to say “I don’t need/want your help!” fine! Don’t we all just want someone to save? Or someone to save us? Either way would be ok.

I made a cranberry and wild rice soup tonight. yum. I’m trying to get back on track with my weight loss. 2 weeks in a row I’ve gained weight, though not much. But my WW leader is very unforgiving. I want to lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks, which is totally doable, but perhaps not when you have 2 martinis and 2 bowls of soup for dinner.

I had an ok day at work, but was very agitated on the way home. It’s weird when nothing emotionally weird has happened and you’re upset. I attribute it to: a diet coke (which I have cut WAY back on), a bag of bugles, and 3 cigarettes (doh!). It’s such a slippery slope.

Well, I’ve still been setting my alarm clock for 5 am. J gets up and then yells up at 5:30 “Breakfast is ready!” and then I have to get out of bed because oatmeal gets wicked gross and clumpy if you let it sit. So I got up, ate my oatmeal, got back in bed and worked on my book for 20 minutes or so. I think I’ll do more now though I am buzzing and am not sure how productive I will be.