Thanks for the fish

I forgot to write about the Governor and his Argentinian mistress. I rather enjoyed their emails! I read all of them. Boy do I enjoy a love story. If he wasn’t such a goddamn hypocrite I’d tell everyone to leave the poor guy alone! It’s funny how people just can’t learn that simple life lesson - don’t judge other people harshly because one day you’ll probably do something just like they do. But people are apparently incapable of understanding anything unless they have gone through it themselves. Makes you respect old people a little more doesn’t it?

That’s better than ugh! right? It hasn’t been a bad weekend. In fact, it’s been a good weekend.

First, J became my personal running trainer and I did my first day of training. Then we had our first latin dancing lesson where we were taught by a stunning Russian woman how to do the merengue and the salsa. We ate out a lot and I gained a few pounds. We went strawberry picking and got 19 quarts for $31. I did a little research and a little writing on my book. I got tons of books at a book sale, including a book of Chopin songs that I’m loving playing on the piano. I saw my parents and had a nice dinner with them. I’ve done some weight training and some reading. So why am I blah? Because it’s been raining for a fucking month. That’s not true. Yesterday wasn’t rainy, it was hot and humid. Blah!

Not looking forward to work this week. My boss is creeping me out and my friend D is no longer working there. But I should find out about my raise and early rumors are telling me that it will be a decent raise. I’m trying to be a bit healthier so I bought beer instead of wine at the grocery store. It’s working. I just don’t have the desire to pound beer after beer on an evening. I had one.

I’m pretty close to making a decision on a mini. I may do it yet. I may not. I know I can’t keep driving my subaru every day though or I’ll be filling it up twice a week at $35 a pop. That’s too much. Though I suppose if you factor in $18,900 for a mini, that might not be a logical cost savings. If that’s true, don’t tell me cuz I really do want the mini. I’m feeling lame lately and want a cool car to up my cool factor. I deserve it right? Why the sudden need to impress random people, I don’t know.

Yeah… feeling blah for sure. Time to curl up in bed with a book.

I can’t title yet another post “Oy vey” or “Ugh,” so just know that I wanted to.

Work sucks. I’ll just get that out of the way. It’s a cluster. But I’m still trying to put it in perspective and just take the good things and not get upset by the bad. But even when I think I’m doing this, my body tells me otherwise. I’m in pain. Sheer agonizing stress related pain. I have stomach issues, and now headaches, and even a sore throat. Perhaps it’s swine flu + stress. I don’t know. I vowed I would go drink-less for one night, but then I rationalized just one drink and now my tummy hurts even more.

Why can’t I handle stress at all? But it’s not just me. It seems to be everywhere, which is why I think it might be weather related. I blame the weather for everything, but mostly for people’s moods. The rain is ridiculous. It really is. Enough already. I’m sick of it and so is everyone else. Since my friend D is leaving, now my boss has befriended me. We were friends before, but he is clearly the type of person that needs a favorite. I like him and all, but I’m doing this just to be nice. He needs someone to talk to. Not really a great boss/employee relationship, but I’m flexible. He complained about his marriage for about an hour to me today. At least I feel comfortable knowing that he’s not hitting on me. He’s just whining.

On an upnote, I’m making sauteed beet greens and lentil rice pilaf. I hope it turns out. My stomach is killing me. I feel like I drank battery acid for breakfast 2 weeks ago and it’s still sitting there. whaa whaa whaa. Why is that I absolutely HATE it when people complain about their health, but then I feel perfectly justified doing it myself? God I’m burnt out.

Have been absolutely amazed at the detail of my dreams. I remember a whole conversation I had with my boss in my dream. Which did not happen in reality. I was recounting his life story to him, which went something like this. “You quit your job, you quit anohter job, then yet another job, and another job. Then you met your wife, then you quit your job, and then another job, then you had kids, then you quit another job.” ? I suppose it was because he told me yesterday that he had had around 20 jobs in his life. Isn’t it funny how your brain digests information? It’s pretty crazy.

Well, I could blame everything on stress or maybe I’m really depressed that my best friend is leaving my work. I don’t know. Or maybe I got sick and then got stressed out about being sick, and then blamed being sick on being stressed out. I don’t know.

Must find a way to get out of this emotional funk! But first, here’s one fact that you may not know about me: I am physically unable to hold an alcoholic drink and not spill it. Ever. Haven’t spilled my cosmo yet tonight, but dont’ worry, I will.

Another thing that you probably do know about me if you read this with any regularity. I am incredibly stressed out. People think I deal with stress very well. That’s because most of the time I just don’t care enough to get stressed out. And then I hit the threshold and you see that I’m having a breakdown. I had lunch with my boss today and he asked if I was looking for a new job. I was brutally honest and said that no I wasn’t because I’ll never find a job that pays as well as the one I have now. Then he asked if I wanted to redefine my role and I told him I didn’t really care. Then he told me he wanted to give me a promotion (all talk by the way) and I said whatever. Talk is cheap and I really don’t care. Do I look like I’m on the fast track to anythign here? No. Where am I going with this? No idea.

My only friend is leaving me and I’m stuck with 2 airheads who I can’t really stand. I like to think that I’m just there to do my job, but people have a huge effect on my day at work. My boss is cool, but other than that I have nobody to… Ok, I’m getting on my own nerves. Shut up Whiney! Ok.

Soo…. what else? It’s still raining here (whining). Do I have anything non-whiny to say? hmmm…. No, I guess I don’t. So with that, I’ll scrounge up some vegetables for dinner, clean my desk, play piano just for the fun of it (cuz I have no lessons), try not to think about work, and work on the endless project that is my book. J says he’s going to become my personal trainer and take me for a run, but alas the rain has stopped us. And so it’s martini time.

ant carrying another ant on it’s back. Was it injured? Do they do that? It was so touching that I couldn’t kill it. Ok, I can hardly ever kill ants or anything else for that matter. There was one on the bathroom sink yesterday and he was cleaning himself and I was so touched by that that, well you know… Occasionally they will get so bad in the kitchen that I will kill them… hey, now he’s taking his frined back the other way. What they hell is he doing? It’s kind of upsetting. This is the perfect example of my emotional state lately. I’m going to cry over an ant.

Sigh…. well the weekend has been good. It’s rainy as always (do I live in Seatlle? Are you sure?) but I got my berry bushes mulched and bought some soil for my new raised beds, though I didn’t get them assembled. It’s the summer solstice and summer hasn’t really even started yet in Maine. It’s cold. Or cool anyway and I feel like I’ve gotten nothing done in the garden. The veggie garden looks like crap. No corn growing at all. But it’s allowed me plenty of time to drink red wine and “work on my book.” I started draft 573 today, but I do sort of like my beginning. Of course I like all my beginnings.

J ran in a race today and I went to cheer him on. I’d make myself out to be a martyr but he’s done so many things for me throughout our relationship that I sort of owe him until the end of time. He improved his time by 2 minutes in about a month and then proceeded to beat himself up for not doing good enough. sigh… then we got crepes at a creperie in P-land. Yum.

Finished Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux and loved it. I accidentally typed “loved him.” That too. Guess that continues my theme of falling for older men. Though I guess I fall for younger ones too. Now I’m reading “the caliph’s house” another book about Africa…Morocco specifically.

Wow, there are a lot of ants in here. I wish someone would do something about that. Yawn. Well, I guess I’ll bring my laptop to bed and see if I can crank out chapter 2 in the never ending saga of L trying to write a novel.

in the rather clinical sense of the word. It’s summer. I should be happy. But this rain… and work… and I’m smoking and drinking excessively and not exercising and handling stress in all the wrong ways. J was violently ill last night and it was the most horrible thing to listen to. That after I made a really heartless and unproductive comment to him right before bed. And the car and the bird and this rain and work and my stomach problems and pms and a bad period. whaa. But it’s Friday and I’m making turnip and kale soup (?) and we’re going to a movie and J is feeling better and it doesn’t appear to be the swine flu. I’m just worn down.

Ask and you shall receive? Some shitty things have happened lately and I’m starting to wonder if I made them happen. First, our 2nd robin was found laying dead on the ground this morning, her unhatched eggs (thank god) still in the nest. Fucking cat I suppose. Did my insistence that nature was cruel cause this? After all, I knew it would happen. Nature sucks.

Then, yesterday me and J were doing our normal car swapping antics. I left my car at work in Portland, he picked me, we went to go pick up his Hyundai at the shop. So after he picks up his car, I’m driving his 95 honda civic back to the house. This was the car he had when he met me like 12 years ago. I complain incessantly about this car. It squeaks, it squeels, one of the windows doesn’t work, it rattles, the a/c doesn’t work very well. But it’s his baby, so whatever. It’s like our back up car. He drives it in bad weather, he drives it to keep the mileage low on his Hyundai (our fancy-dress car). That’s the back story.

The real story is that I have been asking the Universe to deliver me a night fire red mini with black bonnet stripes. I also told the Universe that I didn’t want anyone to die over it. In other words, dont’ kill my husband and give me teh insurance money so I can buy a mini. Cuz I’m nice like that. So I’m driving along in the Civic and I hear this noise, kind of like something fell out of it. Then I notcie the battery light on and (thank god) for once my cell phone is actually charged and with me - at the same time! So I call him “um, hon, is the little battery light supposed to be on?” J- “you’ll be ok till you get home.” Me- “Um, ok.” 5 minutes later, the car died and (thank god) I just managed to get it out of the road..not in a great location, but not a horrible location. I call J and he’s right behind me. It was actually quite a lovely spot across from teh cemetary on one side (the very cemetary where I always tell J I would like to be buried) and the bay on the other side. A very nice old guy comes out to chat with us as we’re camped out on his rock wall. Triple A comes.

Today, we get the grim news that the car is toast. Engine died. Not salvagable at least not for any less money than what the car is worth. Hmm…looks like we need a new backup car, one that gets good mileage. We work about 90-100 miles away from work roundtrip. I have a 25 mile a gallon gas sucking subaru (great for the snow though), and his Hyundai gets a respectable 32-33. The honda kicked ass… over 40 mpg. And we’re cheap and hate giving money to the man (whoever that damn man is). Sooo…. is it just me or is a Mini Cooper um, like, pretty gas friendly? Hmm? Honey? Yes? I swear to god I can talk him into this! WHOOT!

The robin tragedy I can not spin into somethign positive. It sucks. It fucking sucks. And I hate myself that I’m fucking depressed over a fucking robin who built a fucking nest five feet from the fucking ground right next to fucking stairs where a fucking black & white obnoxious fucking cat could kill it just to fucking kill (AND NOT EVEN FUCKING EAT IT). Fucker.

And with that, work sucks, my garden looks fucking fantastic. My irises are fucking gorgeous and we’re supposed to get more fucking rain and I don’t fucking care because it means I won’t have to water the fucking vegetable garden.

Sorry…that’s a lot of fucking. Time for dinner. Turnips anyone?

if nothing else. There was a time when summer meant slimming down. No more meat and potatoes… fresh strawberries, lettuce, cukes, tomatoes. Well that’s still what it means, sans the slimming down. But fuck it. I don’t care anymore. We’re galloping through nature’s abundance and I refuse to think about calories.

Our CSA has delivered us broccoli raab. I’m going to make  brocolli rabe and cannelini beans on garlic toasts . It’s also delivered us mesclun mix, lettuce mix, radishes, green onions (though they call them scallions). Also, spinach, which we already ate. I admit it’s a challenge to eat all this food, but it’s a challenge I’m up for!

Unfortunately, we also have lettuce in the garden getting very big and tall. I eat wraps, I eat salads, I stuff as much lettuce into my body as I can, and still, there is more leftover. But abundance is a good thing, which I will not complain about.

It’s raining here and I’m glad. The garden needs it. The corn has sprouted sporadically. I need to go and throw more seeds at it. Tomatoes are flowering. Squash is looking good. J’s dad planted onions and potatoes…more than they’ll need so I’m sure I’ll get some extras. : ) I just freaking LOVE summertime in Maine. It’s manic manic  manic overabundanceness! My flowers are exploding. The weeds are exploding even more. I have big mulching plans. I have big writing plans, I have big reading plans, I have big basement-finishing plans. But mostly I have big dinner plans:

Parmesan baked haddock
The above mentioned broccoli rabe recipe
rosemary bread
wine
salad!

We went kayaking yesterday with J’s friend R. It was fun. Beautiful, perfect day! R talks a lot. A LOT. But he’s pretty easy to get along with. Self-aware, self-effacing, flakily just himself. Me and J… we’re pretty quiet. I can jabber on a bit when I have a drink or two in me (like now), but mostly we like to float along in silence. But it was nice. We went out to “our island.” I got a bit of a sunburn. It was a much needed respite after my shitty week of being sick and stressed and overwhelmed at work. Today it rained. So even though I planned on getting my 2 new raised beds up, I had to sit around and read, agonize about my book, and drink red wine. We went out shopping, to get father’s day presents and b-day presents for my friend D. People were universally irritating me. I have pms and am in a mood and I hate, hate, hate people. Women over 20 wearing pigtails and camo pants, kids, kids, kids, parents, parents, parents, adults, adults, adults. No matter what they were doing, they were getting on my nerves. I’m juding people based on class (whether richer than me or poorer than me) and finding every excuse imaginable to not like people.

Then I got home and relaxed. J bought lots of books at borders and I realized I am blessed to be married to a wonderful, curious, intelligent man who thinks talking on a cell phone during a kayak trip is in bad taste!

Oh! So I had my piano recital Total disaster! I completely forgot a song I have worked on for over a year! I started it 3 times, then finally got up and said “Can I grab my music?” in front of 200+ people. Granted the other performers were for the most part 8 years old. Still, I felt like the mother hen and that I should at least set a good example. But afterwards an older man, who I assume was a father came up to me and said “Thank you for being here. It’s good for the children to see an adult doing this.” I was the only adult in the recital and it made me think, yes. It’s good for the kids to see that you can do something and not be perfect at it. We’re all not great at performances. Life is a continuous learning. So yes, my failure is there gain! But it was still slightly depressing! Oh well!

Mrs. Robin is nesting on her eggs. I saw a bald eagle at my house! Flying by my window. Then yesterday kayaking TONS of bald eagle sightings. sigh…

Enough random thoughts… time to tend to my homemade yogurt, my haddock, and my broccoli raab.

Just as we were getting used to coming and going from the front door again, I noticed that there was a penthouse suite added to the existing, now empty robin’s nest. Yes, the kids grew up and left mama and daddy with empty nest syndrome. So I guess they decided to try again. I made a point to be around in the garden and to linger by the front door, watering my new fuschia plant, trying to discourage a robin retirement community on my front stoop. To no avail. Today, there is a little blue egg in the nest. sigh… : ) Ok, I’m kind of pleased actually. More grandrobins! See? Who said I didn’t have a maternal instinct?

Boy am I grumpy. Acid reflux, PMS, lack of sleep but mostly just irritating people. I think I may have to take a day off tomorrow just as a mental health day. I hate to burn a day of vacation, but it’s for everyone’s good. But I’m at home now, with my chocolate chips and my Heiney, making a (hopefully) fabulous meal of Indian chicken and vegetables. The chicken’s been in the freezer for 6 months so hopefully it won’t be freezer burned. I’m telling you…without work my life would be 100% perfect. Seriously.

Trying to decide on vacation. I want to go to Spain/Morocco and J is still sort of set on  Greece. I’m actually ok with that too. Could also do Germany/Switzerland or Prague/Budapest. Would love to do Turkey as well but the tour company we’ve decided on doesn’t have one of the appropriate length. I’ve been socking away money so we should be able to do this thing next spring. I have an uncomfortable amount of savings right now and I am torn between spending recklessly or opening a Roth IRA. I suppose I”ll do the IRA since I’m BORING. : ) But maybe I’ll go buy some sexy panties too, who knows?

It rained today, thank god. It’s been wicked dry and I’m sick of going out and watering the plants! My corn hasn’t come up yet…too cold and too dry I think. Last year the conditions must’ve been perfect. We got tons of corn, no problem, no hassle, no work. Not sure if that’s normal or not. Probably not. I’m up to my ears in lettuce, but it’s all good. Summer is just so damn great. I love it. : )

out loud.

Ok, so this whole getting older stuff. It’s pretty cool, and I’m honestly looking forward to 40. But I’ve noticed this thing in the mirror lately. This neck thing. Like a hole where two sides of skin don’t seem to meet. Um…really? At 35? I mean, I expected the whole neck sagging thing at a certain point. Just not so soon. I have to admit that it bothers me a bit. I’ve been massaging my neck to no avail. The whole wrinkle thing I’m not concerned about for 2 reasons. 1) I’ve always had horrible skin so it’s not like I’m looking back fondly on my peaches ‘n cream complexion. I’m red, ruddy, and shiny. When I’m not shiny, I’m dry. And there are wrinkles. 2) There IS always botox, lasers, etc. that are proven to work. I like to think I won’t use any of them because of course I’m aging gracefully. But it’s nice to know they are there in case I ever find myself divorced, broke, and looking for a sugar daddy (which I don’t anticipate either or any of those three actually happening).

My friend A - who recently had a baby (she’s 7 months old now) sent me an e-card for my birthday. That was perfectly acceptable for me, but in the e-card she apologized for not sending a “real card” and played the “I’m a mother card.” Ok, I know that’s valid, but being the heartless, childless bitch that I am, I kind of didn’t like her using the excuse. She has an unemployed husband and a mother who takes care of the baby (granted while she is at work). On a conscious level, of course I wasn’t mad or even irritated. But I never responded to the e-card and today I get a present in the mail - 4 little perfumes that smell absolutely heavenly. And I need perfume! And a card with another apology. It was really sweet and I’m still not mad at all. But I guess part of me just hates it when people give excuses.

I’m still a little irritated about the cellulite cream. Not really. Just a teeny teeny bit. I mean, my sister gave me very nice earrings for my b-day. Why ruin it with a passive aggressive regift? Why? Why? Why?

I don’t have children and I know I have absolutely no right to judge. But I can’t help it. I read this article on CNN about a woman who hadn’t had sex with her husband (regularly anyway) for 2 years because their kid is sleepign in their bed. Once they tried with teh kid in bed. Really? (puzzled look). How about a bed for the kid? Is it just me? I suppose there are some things in the world I will never understand. Like how you can’t say no to a 2 year old.

I’m getting fat. All I eat is lettuce and I’m gaining weight. Dont’ ask me why. I can really feel it.. .I feel bigger and plumper. And I’d like to do something about, but I don’t really feel like it. All I have to do is count calories and stop at a certain number. But I seem willing to do anything but that. So I HAVE started a new weight training program. i bought a book called “lean, Long, and Strong,” at Borders. It has some good weight training/stretching routines and all you need is a balance ball and some dumbells. I’ve also been walking quite a bit. I’ve given up on running just because I don’t want to maintain it. I think there is much good to be had in becoming “a great walker” though.

My acid reflux continues to a very painful degree. I started prilosec on Friday and still no luck. I had some white wine last night and I think that was the trigger. So now I’m back to Heineken for the night.

Piano recital on Friday and still woefully unprepared but I am looking forward to a summer free of piano. And now I need to go write, since that is the reason I’ve quit all these things.

ha! Without even realizing it, all those things are really things I won’t admit out loud. But it’s good to get them out somewhere. : )