Thanks for the fish

Wine: Savignon Blanc - not my favorite, but I felt like something different

Work: Makes me want to cry. It pisses me off so much that I can’t even think about what I have to do to make it better.

Wisdom: Ok… so my parents let me borrow this trailer that you hitch to the back of the car and haul stuff around in. It’s perfect for mulch and I’ve used it twice all summer just for that. The second time I shoveled the mulch out a little at a time, when I had time (which isn’t very often) and when the weather was nice (even less often). Finally, they said they were coming to pick the trailer up. Despite 95 degree temps and 95 percent humidity, I toiled away all day (ok, for an hour or so) on Sunday, trying to unload it. Meanwhile, J says to me “I hope I can find the key to the trailer hitch.” I’m like “what key? There’s a key?” If there was a key, I would know where it was. He starts looking, can’t find it. I’m getting pissed. Usually, I’m VERY understanding about boneheaded moves because we all make them. But I think because my parents were involved, I didn’t want us to look like big stupid asses. Anyway, he can’t find it anywhere.

Long paragraph, needed to break it… So they’re driving 2.5 hours down here to pick up the trailer and I don’t want them to go home empty handed (though they probably wouldn’t be that upset because they’re extremely easy going in their old age), so we’re looking online for places that sell trailer hitches, thinking we’ll just buy them a new one since one is permanently locked onto my Subaru. We plan on driving up to Augusta, getting the hitch, taking them to dinner, etc. etc. Big convoluted plan. And the whole time, somehow I know that my parents are going to be so goddamn prepared that it’s all going to be unnecessary. Will they have an extra key?

No, but they came with another trailer hitch attached to their pickup. All I could say was “I can only hope that by the time I’m as old as you are, I’ll be as goddamn smart.” I mean, come on people. A round of applause for the ‘rents please.

J is being anal and weirdly compulsive about our upcoming cruise. We have very detailed packing lists and pre-travel checklists. Usually I’m in charge of travel, but luckily he’s handling this. I think he took ownership of it from the beginning - just planned it all. That’s my guy. Oh! And he sent me a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers just because I’m stressed out at work. And GET THIS. He got me pink ones because I said the other day how I was in a pink phase. Can you believe that shit? A man. Listening. To his wife. WHOA! I was floored. And very happy.

And I brought work home and as usually happens, as soon as I’m home that’s the absolute last thing I want to do. Nobody else is worried about it. I hate it, but I love the company I work for. What to do? can’t just quit a good job cuz I’m pissed off all the time, right? sigh… Am I done with that novel yet?

If I had enough energy, I would bitch about my work day, but I’m not sure I do. Blah. Can I retire yet? Maybe I should go polish off that novel. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket. Maybe I should marry a richer man. Maybe I should find a job that doesn’t drive me absolutely insane. Part of it is my boss, who is a useless tool. I know that’s mean, so let me try again… who is lacking in management skills and possibly personal interaction skills, and certainly maturity skills and definitely political correctness skills. Part of it is the federal government who loves to make my job difficult. Part of it is the fact that I’m pissed because half the shit I do isn’t in my job description. And I HATE to be the person who says “that’s not in my job description” but come ON. I’m a copywriter. That’s pretty cut and dry. I’m supposed to write copy. End of story.

But I work for a good company that pays me well, gives me good benefits, that cares about the world, and wants to do a good job, where a lot of nice people work, and cute boys occasionally roam the halls. Don’t make me a leave a company like that. And yet, it’s affecting my health (or else my health just sucks on its own, without encouragement), and I’m acting like a schizophrenic because once a week I decide to be nice to my coworkers and positive about the situation. I know we’re all in the same boat, but the fact that my boss is just an immature ass just gets on my damn nerves. I’d like to think he’d just get his ass fired with all the stupid shit that comes out of his mouth, but I don’t know… I try to be compassionate.

I didnt’ run tonight because it’s hot, I think I’m getting an “air-conditioning cold” as J calls it, and I haven’t slept well in 3 nights — all three of those things having to do with the first one (it’s hot). I insisted on putting in the a/c because it’s been in the 90s (or at least high 80s), humid, and with bad air quality. I still haven’t slept much, but at least I could breathe. Oh! And as if I didn’t have enough to complain about, I wore a hot new outfit today and nobody even complemented it. (eyes rolling) AnNOYing! wtf? 6 more work days till my cruise. Actually 4.5 because Friday we have a company outing and next Friday, I’m working a half day. And if I don’t get all my stuff done before I leave they can effing figure it out themselves because I’m fairly certain I can’t pick up a cellular signal in the middle of the damn pacific ocean. And thank god for that!

Oh… Happy thursday! Life’s actually really great and I feel really blessed by the way, and I’m not just saying that.

till vacation! Ok, let’s get the complaining out of the way. Work is a total nightmare - one step forward, two steps back. Even on the rare occasion I can cross somethign off my list, somehow it gets unchecked and put back on it. Such is the bliss of working on government contracts! You try and try to get ahead of the game, and something is always wrong. Oh well! Today, as we were driving in, I made a point of countering my “he’s a f*cking idiot” grumblings about certain people I work with with a conscious effort at compassion. After all, people are just trying to get by, right? They might be in a rough place. Maybe their daughter is not sleeping and is keeping them up and now they’re taking her to therapy. Their 4 year old daughter. Therapy. Compassion.

And now to the good part. I’m going on an Alaska cruise at the end of next week ohmigod! I’m actually super excited. I was never sure about cruises… I like the idea of lots of activities, but I don’t like the idea of lots of people. But I do tend to like cheesey, touristy kind of things, especially things that I would never do at home… you know, like rock climbing and social dancing. I don’t think my cruise has rock climbing, but I DO intend to get on the dance floor, which is something I would NEVER do at home (slightly insane fear of looking like an ass in front of people I know or might see again).

The weather on the cruise looks like it’s going to be really shitty, and I don’t really care. I’ve already survived a summer of shitty weather at home, so at least I’m prepared. (After 3 months of rain, summer finally showed up, in the form of 90 degree weather, smog, and humidity. But eff it. )

Started tracking what I eat and the exercise I do on livestrong.com. It’s kind of cool. It adds up all your totals for you. For example,

oh nevermind…posting error. Just ignore that crap down there. that’s what happens when you have a beer for dinner because you’re out of calories. Now I need a snack cuz I’m so irritated. argh.

Why is it that the first thing I want to write about is a laundry list of everything that went wrong today? I swear, I’m not naturally like this. Other negative people made me this way. How? Because when you get to work, or see someone you haven’t talked to, they want  a story. But stories are not allowed to be positive, because then you will be bragging. And I’ve been brought up not to brag. So if you want to say something, you have to say something negative or neutral. And what’s the point of talking about neutral topics?

But I won’t complain, because after I decided not to go there, they all evaporated from my mind. I’m sure if I put my mind to it, I could think of every last one, but why waste the already limited brainpower? And so we are, in fact, left with neutral subjects. Or since this is “anonymous” I suppose I’m allowed to brag too. So let’s see.

Eunice Shriver. I honestly didn’t know much about her till I just read the synopsis on yahoo news. But hey, what a lady. Thank god for rich gals who actually do something useful with their time. Beats Paris Hilton.

And health care reform. Some people really don’t want any reform. Really? Okay…. cuz it’s working so well? I hate my doctor. Nuff said. Though today i felt the semblance of intestinal fortitude returning (i hope!)

Running: I’m up to 30 minutes of straight jogging. In the rain last night. God I’m hard core. If I quit smoking and boozing it up, I bet I’d do even better. But alas, not losing weight.

I can’t stop shopping. Just spent $300 at anntaylorloft.com while at work. I have a problem. It’s like I can’t say no. This is actually new for me in the shopping arena. In other areas I realize I have no will power. But usually when it comes to spending money, I’m pretty tight. It’s basically an obsession with looking cute all the time. Mid life crisis I guess.

I’m not going to talk about work. I’ve tried to detach a bit. Let’s face it. If all goes to shit, it’s not me that’s going to get fired, so why am I all stressed about it? From now on, I’m going to let people do their own jobs and let them fail too. It’s called tough love. Wouldn’t i be a great mother?

And I feel like I need one more subject to broach but can’t really think of one. So over and out.

You know what I love about this blog? I can just let it all hang out here. Not like I’m the kind of person who doesn’t just let it all hang out anyway…but still. At least here I’m not judged for it.

Subhead: Tummy troubles

Yeah, I’ve had me some tummy troubles. In my mind, this is the first time in my life I’ve EVER suffered from tummy woes (ha! you say, knowing my genetics) and THIS time I’m just 100% certain I have Crohn’s disease (fitting, eh? since I’m a crone) or ovarian cancer or some other morbid disease. I’ve been so worried that of course I develop more and more symptoms, mostly numb legs and arms. F*ck!

So the latest symptom is constipation. This is very unusual for me. I’m a happy BM kinda gal. I go. A lot. And I like it. I even like to talk about it. But since my friend D is gone and J is prolly getting a little tired of hearing about my bathroom habits, I’ll TRY to keep it to this blog. I hate being constipated. I’m convinced my other new sympton - lower back pain - is related as is the ever-increasing abdominal pain. Sooo… since my doctor is a piece o’ crap bitch who didn’t help AT ALL, I did what any smart woman would do and went to …where did I go? ohmigod, alzheimers kicking in…………..Shaws! (grocery store) and bought me some Yogi “Get Regular” tea, which I took first thing this morning despite the caution on the box to take before bed.

So this morning, at 5 am, when I got up with J to work our abs and our upper bodies on our balance balls (despite me telling him that it’s absolutely RIDICULOUS to work 2 body parts on the SAME day) I drank my tea…wishing…hoping… dreaming of a satisfying bowel movement.

10 am. poo.

11 am. more poo.

3 pm…. liquid poo. At work. Peeing out of my butt.

BUT, I have to say, it’s better than being blocked up. My stomach is a disaster.

Also today: I switched doctors. I called my doctor today to “discuss” lab results of me being “mildly anemic.” She told me that that woudl explain my fatigue (which I never professed to actually have “fatigue” - it was more horrible abdominal pain and constipation. Then she tells me that she is sneding a rx of iron pills to my pharmacy, and fyi they may cause constipation. Hello? yoo hoo! (confused look). Ok… whatever lady. We’re done. J goes to Dr. T, who happens to work for the health care company that I work for (at the administrative offices), so I booked an appt. with him for mid September. I’m so sick of this shit. Every time I have a problem, it’s undiagnosable.

Ok, ENOUGH complaining about medical issues. I promise I’ll stop.

The weather has actually been nice. That’s big news. I’m not eating any gluten today on the off chance I have celiac disease. Interesting experiment and not that hard. Just eat lots of vegetables (which are probably the real source of my stomach agony, given the fact that I only have problems in the summer, but yes, I wasn’t going to talk about that).

I haven’t talked to sister #2 in quite some time. I feel a little regretful about this, but I also don’t want to be treated like shit, so I still dont’ call. And neither does she. I suppose I could email.

I’ve been having some strange urges to procreate. A little afraid of being alone in old age. Ok, that’s my only motivation. But I’m sure I’d be happy as a mother if I could just make the decision to do it. I’m 35 now though… too late? I can vividly see either path in my mind…happy being childless… happy with child (as long as it’s a girl). But afraid to bring a child into the world as it is now (or as I imagine it in the near future). These decision are too hard! Don’t you think we weren’t really supposed to develop such big brains? Why not be clueless about what causes pregnancy, etc etc.? Rational thought is what killed the world. Which reminds me of an awesome book I read once called Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood… one of those books I didn’t totally love as I was reading it, but totally stuck with me since. Recommended.

Eating my new potatoes (harvested early from my CSA because of late blight) and swiss chard and wondering where my husband was till I remembered he had a running training thingy tonight. He’s addicted/obsessed with running. I see I have to participate jsut to remain in his life. But today was full of cigarettes and red wine. And now I’m thinking I’ll eat all the vegetables and leave none for him. I’m hungry.

Is this working yet? Yes, I guess so. It appears all of my posts (not that there were that many of them) from the last month never posted and now finally just disappeared altogether. Oh well. To give you the quick update:

I complained a lot about tummy issues

I finally went to the doctor

She was mean and didn’t help me but now tells me I have mild anemia, which I think is a bunch of crap

I jogged for 2.2 miles tonight and didn’t feel like dying

Work is crazy but not altogether bad.

I had sex last night. whoo hoo!

I love my new car