Thanks for the fish

enjoying the things around me: fire, wine, comfy chair, laptop, but at the same time I’m annoyed, grumpy, and tired.

Tired because my exercise addict husband made me get up at 4;30 this morning to drive to Portland in time for a 6:15 Body Blast class. (That’s a 60 minute long torturous assault on every muscle group in the body if you were wondering). Now I’m satisfied that I did it but sore and tired.

Grumpy because I have PMS and have all week. Isn’t it funny how people I normally like irritate the living shit out of me when I have PMS. There is a guy at work, D. He’s the brother of a good friend of mine (who coincidentally also irritates the shit out of me when I have PMS). He’s nice and funny and I used to think cute. Before I knew him so well, he seemed like a perfect prospect if I ever happened to get divorced. Now, not so much. He’s so negative and gloomy and Eeoyore-like. I had to give him a lecture today about thinking positive. He thinks his worldview of “expect the worse, then be pleasantly surprised” is effective. I don’t. I mean, I try not to get my hopes up unreasonably high, but COME ON. If you never expect anything more than mediocrity than what’s the fucking point?????

Also pissed off at my piano teacher, who is raising her rates beginning Jan. 1 to $80 a month. You may think that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s what you get for your money. 30 minutes (usually less because she’s running late) a week, most of it telling me about God, her sex life, the time her husband almost left her, her weight problem, her crazy family, or other things. Have I actually learned anything productiec in hte last year? Um, no. And then she acts irritated because I can’t play worth shit. (or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive in a PMS type fashion)

My cats are also annoying me. One is not eating, which really irritates me because then I have to worry about him, and I HATE IT when people/animals make me worry about them. It makes me want to live alone and have no friends or family so I can just worry about my own self and nothing else. I totally understand being a recluse. I can’t deal with it. The other cat is being a greedy, needy pig, and I know he’s a lovely cat that just happens to have emotional problems but I’m a bitch right now and can’t handle that either. Right now, I won’t let him anywhere near me, so he is sitting on the couch, next to my chair, just so he can be near me.

I’ve become obsessed with making money. Not in the tradional  9 to 5 sense but in every other sense. I’m trying to find ways of squeezing blood out of stones, turnips, whatever so one day I can avoid going to work. Meanwhile, I’m trying to bilk my current ocmpany by working as much overtime as possible since they pay me time and a half for it and it’s damn good money. It’s all completely irrational and contradictory, which pretty much describes my personality sometimes.

And J is miserable too so we talk about what suckers we are working for the man, which just makes it worse, because if at least one of us believed in this bullshit capitalist system, then maybe it would rub off on the other one. But now we just hate ourselves for not having the balls to quit our jobs and do what we really want to do. So I horde money and try to pay off my mid-life-crisis-minicooper, which I still love in this completely irrational way.

And my sister, who had been unemployed for several months, and I worry about (so I’m mad at her too), finally got a job. And I’m happy and so is she, even though it’s at a company that she continually quits from (though not the last time). But she has a mortgage and the pay is good so she has learned the lesson at the age of 36 that yes, if you are the little people of America, you have to be a slave to the man if you want to pay your mortgage.

And is I type this out, I think, if i could write my novel as quickly and passionately, and with no thought whatsoever as I do this blog, and I could actually make it interesting and grammatically correct too, that would kick ass.

And so I will continue on wiht my new novel, which I do believe in, but I keep writing and rewriting Chapter 1, losing more faith in it eahc time I rewrite it. And now the red wine is kicking in, my muscles hurt, and my eyelids are getting heavy as the hum of the propane fireplace blurs in the background and the heat hits my feet and …. boy it’s only 6:45 so I guess I better rewrite Chapter 1 one more time.

It’s been cold, but today is sunny and warmish. But still, I’m feeling so into fall.

- All I want to eat is meat, cheese, and bread. Those little pizza/sub shops that I normally shun look and smell sooooo good. Pizza, meatball subs, steak and cheese… even a hot veggie sub. Yum! Heaven! Fuck high class, I want blue collar food.

- I want to play the piano, I want to write, I want to read and lay in bed! Yes! It was a beautiful sunny day and I have yard work to do, so I went out and raked and cut back some perennials, but the garden’s a disaster…the whole year was a disaster… and I can’t fix it now. I just want the frost to come and kill it all, then next spring I’ll start all over. Whatever. Each year is different. But I’m sort of done with the garden for now.

- wine, hot chocolate, kahlua, no more cocktails for me. Those are for the summer.

- soup, root vegetables, rice, and pasta. warmth.

My whole life I never lived by the seasons. Please. I was raised on frozen food, supermarkets, intercontinentally delivered food. Most of my youth was spent on an Air Force Base in Japan, which means I ate food that was made in teh US, frozen, and shipped to Japan (on a ship). Since I moved to Maine, I live more and more by the seasons, but this fall in particular I feel a total change in my bodily wants and needs. I wouldn’t touch a blueberry with a ten foot pole. I feel like I would barf if I ate a piece of lettuce. I want carbs man! And so I’m gaining weight and frankly don’t really feel bad about it. I know I should, so it nags at me, but my body is telling me to beef up for lean times.

Anyway, I’m working on my book and loving it. Me and J both are going through this phase, which we probably do every fall, where we realize there is more to life than 9 to 5 and just wnat to say fuck it and quit and do the things we love. I can imagine being retired. Right now, I’m fantasizing about when we pay off the house (which hopefully will be 8 years from now) and taking a year off to write. Of course, I’d like to be a world-famous author well before then, but sigh…

We went to see “Capitalism: A Love Story” last night and I left livid and practically in tears. It’s just such bullshit. The richest 1 % own as much as the rest of us 99%. How much money do you need? Honestly. For these banks to make loans to people and then take their houses away, just so they can make an even bigger profit. It’s just disgusting. It’s disgusting. How much money do you need?

Sigh… I admit, I’m about to be over capitalism. I’m about to be over it.

My real dream is this, because I”m like that guy, Horatio Alger. I’m just a good hearted citizen. I want to open a successful company. And I want to pay workers good wages. I want them to get the profits. I want us all to succeed. I’m not the only one like this. C’mon people. CAnt’ we do better than this corporate bullshit? Do we all need to have 600 billion dollars?

Sorry… I get upset about these things. I feel completely blessed for what I have, but I’m just pissed off that some people horde sooooo much more than any human would ever need if they lived to be 600 million years old while other people have absolutely nothing. OK, done. J wants to look for flip flops. Should be super easy as we go into winter in Maine… ! : )

in charge, we might allow (or even require) women with PMS to just stay the fuck home rather than subjecting ourselves and other people to hormone induced pissiness. Yes, I’m talking about me. I have PMS. I also have 1) a lingering flu-like illness that leaves me dead tired and makes me want to lay in bed constantly 2) really sore gigantic water filled boobs 3) a sick cat who had a very unfun vet appointment (along with me) this morning and will have to be back at the vet tomorrow for anasthesia and an oral exam to see if the reason he’s grumpy and not eating is because of oral cancer, an absess, or maybe an infected scratch from the other cat 4) really irritating coworkers who piss the fuck out of me, 5) and a controlling personality that makes other aspects of my job really fucking annoying.

So those are the bad things. The good things are 1) a bottle of Ravenswood Zinfandel 2) Vermont cheddar cheese 3) pasta and ragu (don’t call ME a snob) and 4) italian bread with oodles of olive oil. Oh, and most importantly of all, a husband who came home, went out for a run before the sun came down, looked at me pouring wine and cutting cheese and didn’t say a word about my fat, lazy ass and the fact that I”m not even thinking about going out for a run with him. God bless him.

That’s all for now. The wine might bring on more insights shortly. I’ll keep you posted.

and I’ve been in bed most of the day. J’s been sick with a cold, as have various people at work. Late last night, after dinner with friends (which was very fun) I got home and just felt blah. Actually more like blah with an exclamation mark. I took my temperature, and as usual, it was 96.7. Can that sustain life? I’m I really that cold-blooded? Oh well… so I cranked my electric mattress pad up to high, layered on teh blankets and shivered for several hours, then had weird dreams and the usual panicked dreams about Medicare and insurance that is part of my life right now.

Then the morning came, and I stayed in bed. Then the afternoon came, and I stayed in bed. At one point, I got up, came downstairs to J manically cleaning the kitchen with music blasting (ok, not really blsting, maybe just playing) from the computer, one of the cats laying in the corner acting sick, and a warped wooden pie board. Way too much for me to handle. I ran, didn’t walk, back to the bedroom, shut the door, turned the mattress pad back on, and went back to sleep.

J went to play soccer, despite being sick. He just loves it. I’m happy for him. Me, I’m here making autumn vegetable soup, worrying about the cat, and seriously contemplating going back to bed again. Poor kitty. : (

relative, at least on the career front. My rather discouraging day started with normal work BS. Then escalated into rarer, but still not uncommon work BS. Yet another member of the senior leadership has “resigned.” This time a VP in my department. A very, very nice guy by the way. The company is officially now run by consultants in other states, who show in the office every other week or so and fire people by conference call. IT’s total BS.

Luckily, I thought, I have a job interview today. Eff this shit. I’m outta here! So I leave early, pissed off by more than one thing…the others perhaps slightly petty… go home and prepare at the last minute for said interview. Of course I’ve gotten zero sleep this week, partly because I think about work constantly, partly because J’s pager keeps going off in the middle of the night… and just because I always sleep crappily.

Anyway, so I get there and realize that well, I guess the company I work for isnt’ so bad. I so don’t want that job. I don’t care how much it pays, though frankly, I don’t think it pays much. I suppose I needed this to put it all in perspective.

Things I love about my crappy job/company:

-The people I work with…soo awesome

-My salary. It ain’t much, but it’s still more than I really need

-The little bennies that make the company special - free pies at Thanksgiving. Nerdy giving campaigns, chili cookoffs

-My boss. He can be a tool, but I like him

-A company with an ambitious mission, even if they’re going about it all the wrong way right now

-$500 spot bonus I just got since someone recognized that I’ve been working my ass off and am kind of miserable

-4 weeks of vaca once I”m there 4 years (a mere 1 year and 4 months away!)

-As much as I hate consultants, at least I might learn something from them.

-My title

So maybe I’ll stop complaining for a day or two. And now I’m going to drink my hot chockie and kahlua and crash probably before dinner time. Sooo tired!

I’m a youngest child so I always thought that I was much too selfish to be a martyr. I hate martyrs! Nobody cares that they work so hard. They just do it to make themselves feel superior and to make the rest of us feel like slacker. Not playing that game! Or am I?

I got to work before 8 am this morning. Then at 5:45 I cancelled my piano lesson, even though I COULD have shown someone how to do what I had to do…but no, I didn’t. I stayed until 6:30, until the job was done. And did I feel superior? Um, Hell Yeah! God I’m a hard worker.

Funny, huh? WEll, I have a job interview tomorrow. Not really prepared and secrely don’t really want the job already. I’m digging the fact that I’m needed and comfortable and the stress kind of gets me excited sometimes. I suppose this is all normal in some world, right? I’m a little disappointed in myself nonetheless though, since I always thought I was superior by being the anti-martyr. The person who had a life outside of work. Oh well.

I’m tired and need to get up extra early…why? BECAUSE I’M A MARTYR!  Duh.

Do you feel like a slacker yet?

a Monday. And I’m grumpy for no reasonable reason. Funny how you can still call it a “reason” even if it’s not reasonable. Funny thing the English language. Ok, I have “reasons.” I had another crazy day at work. Some sucky things are happening and even though I shouldn’t really be involved, and I’m certainly not responsible (not me!), still it affects me and maybe my mood a bit. Also, and I think this is a fall thing, I’m starting to feel things that have been under control for a good part of the summer. You know, like discontentment, envy, lust,  stupid shit like that.

So I sit here with my hot drink - half hot cocoa, half kahlua and my eyes are closing because I’m so damn tired. Or maybe I just don’t want to deal with “life” tonight…dishes and litter boxes and the crap I usually ignore anyway. Oh negativity, where have you been all my life? You’re such a good companion. I suppose dwelling on it won’t help.

It’s getting cold here. Under 40 for 2 nights in a row. Had to dig my callas up and now they’re sitting in the basement, waiting for me to pack them in peat. But I have no good box. Last year the cats ate them and barfed everywhere. Trying to avoid that, so I have them on top of hte tool cabinet. I moved my peony to the front of my weed bed, and moved the tansy to the back. It’s huge. I think it was actually taller than me. But pretty and it smelled so good when I cut it. Also planted a new mum since the rest of them died last year. And finished the brick edging around the rose garden. It’s amazing how much I can get done when I focus. I did all that yesterday, plus went to work for a few hours, went for a 3 mile jog, made chili, made oatmeal creme pies, and oodles of other things. Tonight… can’t really compare.

Well, I really feel like daydreaming right now so I think I’ll grab a book, pretend to read, and go lay on the couch and imagine a life different than this one where my husband isn’t sick and grumpy and doesn’t find fault with everything I do and work doesn’t suck ass. And a good night to ya!

is not a bad thing. I almost bought some wine at the store but I stopped myself because a) I would probably drink the whole bottle (again) and 2) I’m really trying to “tighten my belt” and we already had beer in the fridge..so why spend $1 on wine? A rare case of showing restraint. Very proud of myself.

It’s been a good week. Why? Let me count the ways:

1) I complained to my boss on Monday and he actually talked to some higher ups who promptly thanked me for my hard work and told me they were committed to making things better.

2) Whilst I was miserable at work last week, I applied for a job at a local hospital. They called me for an interview, which is now scheduled for next Friday. I dont’ expect the pay to be great, even though it’s a manager position which woudl technically be a promotion. But it would be closer to home. I’m doubtful I would take it if they offered it to me, but it’s worth a look. At any rate, I am happy that they called me for an interview. The job market is crap here so frankly, I’m flattered.

3) Wednesday’s Latin Dance class had become something I dreaded. I just feel dumb, and white, and lame, and uncoordinated. But last night, I said fuck it, I’m going to have fun. And despite doing “body rolls” and looking like a puritan having an epileptic seizure, I laughed my ass off and had a good time.

4) I’m entering the fun time of year at work. It’s United Way time so we do a lot of “fun raisers” which I love to participate in cuz I’m just a fun loving gal (despite being an uptight prude). PLus, I’m finally (after 2.5 years) getting comfortable there so I can be myself and relax. It takes me a while. Which is also why I probably won’t really be leaving.

5) Oh! I thought of a kick-ass idea for a novel. An apocalyptic comedy. Maybe it’s done before, but I’ll do it better. Has it been done before? I can enver tell if the movies playing in my head are real movies I’ve seen or I just really have a great imagination.

Well, dinner is ready. Arrivaderci!

blah. Big time. I dont’ know if it’s the shorter days, the rain, the impending cold weather, anemia, or the fact that I drank an entire bottle of red wine last night, but I’m just not feeling it today. Simple tasks like ironing clothes are overwhelming me and I basically want to curl up in a fetal position and close my eyes. I should go for a jog because I know no matter how bad it is, I’ll feel better for having done it. But I can barely get enough energy to go to the kitchen and stir my apple butter.

I want to look at what I’ve posed in the fall before… I feel like it’s all cyclical. I get a little manic, a little depressed, a little wistful… bah. One part of me wants to conquer the world and the other part wants to nap permananetly. Deep breath…

Well, I DID find what looks like a good vegetarian chili recipe for the chili cookoff at work. It’s from Emeril and the comments were very positive. That was one thing on my list. Next, I need to pack up some stuff that I’m about to sell on ebay. I think I miscalculated on teh postage so I’m actually going to be in the hole instead of profit on one of them. That’s annoying, but the fact is that I’m getting one more thing out of the house, so that’s good. I’m trying to feng shui this place as much as possible. I’m sick of clutter.

Actually, that’s a good thing to do on a rainy afternoon, home alone, feeeling icky. Clean out the coat closet! Ok, off I go. Send some positive vibes my way.

Conversation tonight with J.

Me: I’m used to bullshit at work. I know every job has it’s bullshit, but this is bullshit squared.

J: hmm, mmm.

Conversation at work today.

younger stressed out gay coworker: So and so is going to be mad that I haven’t finished their project yet.

wise old me: Well, they’re just going to have to understand that we’re only so many people and we can only do so much work. I mean, it’s not like we’re just sitting around with our thumbs up our asses.

coworker (wisfully): That would be more fun.

Me: mmm… I’m not sure about that.

Other coworker: (cracking up)

Hating work, but everyone around me is too, so I guess that helps a little. Talked 2 coworkers into grabbing a quick drink after work sans boss. It was nice because I’ve been yelling at one of them a lot, so it allowed me to assuage my guilt about being mean to my coworkers because of my own stress level.

I’m either going to “work from home” tomorrow and force people (my boss) to pick up their own marbles tomorrow or I’m going to go in (maturely) and ask to talk to my boss about “my roles and responsibilities” and explain that the job I’m doing now is not in any way, shape, or form, the job I applied for. Of course, in my mind, this requires an ultimatum (LOVE ultimatums) but you have to be prepared to call someone’s bluff in these situations. Could I quit my job tomorrow? If I sold my mini (weep!), Yes, I suppose I could. J is a little freaked out, and I am financially conservative and don’t really want to quit my job, and I suppose it would be silly. But I hate it.

blah blah blah… ramble….. ramble on. Sorry.  This is silly. Suck it up girlfriend and do crap work for a decent wage. It’s what we all do, right? Right. (end of whining)