Thanks for the fish

with no traveling, no family spats (at least none that involved me), just my lovely family, good food, and good times. I believe this is the first Christmas I’ve spent in Maine. Usually I go down to DC to visit my sisters, but this year, one sister came up, one sister stayed down (with her husband and kids), and it worked out magnicently. We played darts (I won), scrabble (dad won)… I guess that was it. My parents gave me $500, which seems silly since I’m 35 years old, but what the hell? I won’t turn it down. I’ve already spent $300 on storage for the mini, so she won’t have to get all cold and wet (and possibly hit with snow plow) this winter.

I’ve gained 2 pounds on top of an already hefty weight. I do plan on cutting back soon, but there’s no point trying before New Year’s, right? Speaking of new years, I had a few options.. a potluck with my old boss and some managers from my work (good networking), a hotel party, but in the end we invited J’s sister and her boyfriend (2 of my favorite people) over for a “ski lodge party.” I’m going to make beef stew and hot toddies and semi-decorate the place like a lodge. : ) I love themes!

I’m also excited about my goals for 2010. Perhaps I say this every year, but I mean it this time: This year is going to be “the best year ever!” I have 2 goals:

Finish my book and become a published author

Get in the best physical and mental shape of my life

Small, easy ones, huh? : ) I’m not going to do 10 pointless goals this year that I really have no interest in accomplishing and that only distract me from my real goals. Every day i’m going to do something that supports my two big goals. Today we went to the library (our usual Sunday routine) and I wrote 1000 words, did some research, checked out some books. I’m also starting a new Winter Reading Challenge with my sister. First up: the satanic verses. It’s 8 pm, so maybe I’ll pack it up, go upstairs and get my gym clothes ready for the morning, pick out a nice outfit for work, and then curl up in bed with my Salmon Rushdie. I can think of worse things to do on a Sunday night.

It rained here today, torrentially with hurricane-like winds. Melted nearly all the snow. I dropped my sis off at the bus station this morning (she’s taking the bus to the train to the metro to the bus to get home! Talk about using your public transportation resources). I enjoyed her visit and was sorry to see her go. ON the other hand, entertaining stresses me out. Though honestly, I didn’t do anything special and it worked out just fine. : ) I have to say, my family is pretty cool. I lucked out in that department (no matter what else I have said here in the past).

Have a great week and happy new year! It’s going to be a great one. Anything is possible if you focus on it. I totally believe that to be true.

…but first, I want to let you know that in deference to my one reader and my beloved googlebot, I am going to make an effort to write more coherent posts instead of using this space as a place to mindlessly rant about my hormonal urges. though I’m not entirely sure how to approach that.. so I can’t really guarantee anything. Sorry.

So it’s a rather depressing time of year, but in between scowls and grunts, I kind of secretly like it. It’s effing cold. With a capital F (or is it E?..hmm.) And there’s iced over snow on the ground, but it already looks gross. And we’re nearing the shortest day of the year. I have a perma-scowl, which is partly due to PMS, partly to the lack of sunlight/abundance of cold, plus the overindulgence in sugar and alcohol and fat that comes from holiday-induced free food at the office. And on top of that, no matter how much lotion I slather on my body, I’m flaky and itchy, and that’s just the worst. When nature just attacks your body, it blows.

My company Xmas party is tonight I’m blowing it off. We did a cost benefit analysis:

Pros: Free food and entertainment

Cons: $8 worth of gas to get to P-town, plus the cash bar, which would probably amount to at least $20, plus the possibility of making an ass out of myself in front of my colleagues, and the possibility of just being kinda bored. Yeah, not worth it. Instead we stayed home and I made shirmp fried rice and carmalized brussels sprouts, drank red wine and now I’m eating chocolate covered caramel corn. The weight situation (as in MY weight) is scary. I’m almost sick of food.

I finished Carl Hiaasen’s “Basket Case” tonight. I’m trying to limit my reading to writing books, research books, and books that are somewhat like the book I’m trying to write. We went to the library and I did some plot organizing. I think (I hope) I’m making progress. It’s hard though. But I”m trying to be positive and really focus on the end result. I need to stay focused.

Feeling the itch to move to the city… any city. Brunswick would probably do. That’s where we go to the library. It’s a small college town with rather interesting people. This morning we went to the farmer’s market at an old mill. Hippie city, man. Sometimes, as much as I totally embrace this “back to the earth” shit, these people scare me a little. There’s violin (fiddle?) playing and spontaneous dancing and I’m like “whoa!” I’m too uptight for this. I guess I’m just too self conscious and always have the fear of an outsider looking in and thinking we’re all freaks (which is usually my role, but if there was another outsider, then they wouldn’t realize that I was the outsider…it’s complicated).

Yesterday was rough at work. Everyone seems to be overly sensitive. I think it might be the addition of a new member of our team. I love her, but change is always hard.

Anyway, we have a movie to watch but J says it’s a surpise, which probably means it’s the usual wrist slitting wwii drama. We saw “up” last night and that was trippy. Someone was on LSD when they wrote that shit. But I have to say that it was rather touching and I balled during it.

That’s all. What do you think? Was that more cohesive than usual?

One day I’m going to ruin my whole wonderful life by doing something utterly stupid. It’s inevitable. My inner cavewoman is stronger than I am. No, I haven’t evolved much.

Also, everything is going wrong. I lose everything, get speeding tickets, late fees, overdraft fees, I miss my dentist appointment (totally forgot even though they called to remind me, got a nastygram from them (albeit a pretty nice one), forgot my piano books, haven’t sent out xmas cards…I think there is just too much shit going on at this time of year that there’s not enough room in my brain for it all. I’ve decided that I hate xmas and I totally empathize with the grinch. In fact, I’m totally channeling the grinch (as if you didn’t notice).

But… new girl started at work who may be the coolest goddamn person I’ve ever met. NOt only that but she hangs out with the coolest people I have ever heard of. I don’t think of myself as easily impressed, but these people impress me. And intimdate the hell out of me. However, the good part about that is that it motivated me to rise to the occasion (or else I will shrink like a wallflower). Thus, I’m continuing to work on “the book” and will get it done goddamnit.

Making bourbon brownies for company potluck tomorrow. Do you think it will hurt my reputation by always bringing food laced with alcohol? Oh well! The days are short and everyone is going crazy, me included. You’re welcome to watch the downward spiral of another Maine winter. You may be asking “why do you do this?” Well, it makes it more interesting. Everyone knows that you would never read a novel where people are happy and well adjusted all the time. Holy boring.

Sigh… I kill me. I really do.

on my novel.

You: Really? it looks to me like you’re writing in your mindless blog.

Me: Yes, that’s technically true, but i’m only taking a brief break to let you know what inspires me to write my novel. Because deep down inside… you really really care.

I was watching “no reservations” last night on the travel channel. I only 5 channels, and oddly enough, one of them is the travel channel. Some people I used to work with used to be enamored with Anthony Bourdain, and I was like “who’s that?” Then I saw the show and I thought.. oh he’s just one of those overconfident middle aged guys who likes to think they are better than everyone else because they’re from New York (Ok, so I have issues). And then… well, I sort of fell in love with him. As I have a habit of doing with overconfident middle aged married men.

Last night, there was an episode on where he went to Sardinia, with his Italian wife, who was just so great I wanted to be her best friend. ?? Fell in love with her too. Anyway, so I start this fantasy in my head and I’m on an airplane with Anthony Bourdain and he says to me “Oh, you’re so and so. I read your book XXX and I’m a big fan.” Me: Blushing. “Oh I’m a big fan of you too, though maybe not as adventurous in the food department as you. Donkey? Really? ha ha ha! (flipping my hair, which now that I’m a rich and famous author is blonde and radiant and perfectly straight and smooth instead of the fuzzy mouse brown shit that it currently is)….

Then I think about what would happen now if I met Mr. Bourdain. Him, gallantly: “What do you do?”

Me, humiliated: “I’m a copywriter at a health care company”

Him, looking confused

Me: “You know.. I write junk mail…?”

UGH! Yes, I’m 100% motivated by appearing cool and intelligent in front of pseudo celebrities that I will in all liklihood NEVER meet on a plane. I don’t even travel that much.

But hey.. whatever gets the job done right? And so, back to the novel.

but won’t complain because as pathetic as it is, I was happy to stay home, even if I was sniffling and coughing and blowing my nose. I don’t feel that bad…but I SOUND bad enough to call in sick. : ) Dig it.

Some trivial, annoying things have been happening lately that have gotten me a bit overwhelmed. Most of them involving car problems, lost keys, speeding tickets…you know, things that cost a bunch of money and are a big pain in the ass.  ok, ok..things that cost a BIT of money and are a BIT of a pain in the ass. But I hae a low tolerance for life. It’s too much! I’ve had 2 new car keys made from the delership that “should” work but don’t. What do I do now? Drive the effing mini cooper all winter while my all wheel drive with snow tires sits in the driveway? ARGH! I guess a locksmith is my next step. Annoying!

The most annoying thing about it all is that I watched “the secret” which tells me I can have anything I want if I just feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Guess what? not working (obviously) of course maybe I’m causing it not to work by saying it’s not working. It’s one of those tricky things like faith. Anyway, I’m putting all my positive energy into writing this novel so maybe I just don’t have enough positive vibrations left over for car shit. Fine!

I downloaded a free opensource novel writing software called Storybook. It’s nice. I like it. I’m already feeling better organized. It doesn’t help that I change my plot and my characters every time I write (which is basically every day), but I do believe that I am slowly but surely “getting there. My goal is to have this thing in the bag by my birthday (memorial day). Deadlines are teh only way I’ll get this done. And that is a totally reasonable timeframe. i wish I had more time to work on it, but I’ll make it work.

What else… 2 weeks till Xmas. Each year it becomes mroe and more irrelevant. I used to feel bad about that. This year, I’ve accepted it. I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t have kids. I don’t even hang out with anyone with kids. Let’s face it, Christmas isn’t that fun if you don’t fall into any of those categories. Don’t get me wrong, I got a tree and decorated it. I didn’t even get mad when J didn’t help me. It was more a chore than anything, but I didn’t miss the feeling of nostalgia. In fact I’m quite glad to be rid of it. Yeah, I’m getting old. does this sound negative? Uh oh…. I hope the universe isn’t listening… might be more car problems in my future. Ok focus happy happy happy grateful tottally grateful!j which I actually am.

Anyway, I threw J a little party for his birthday. It was fine. Hmm… I guess I’m kind of depressed and didn’t really realize it till I started writing this. Not to be alarmed though. Everyone in Maine is depressed at this juncture of winter. we’re nearing the shortest day of the year and from there, we’re on the upswing. I feel pretty positive for being depressed though.

I swear I haven’t even started drinking yet today… ?  God help me!

from Joseph Campbell…

Perfection is inhuman. Human beings are not perfect. What evokes our love – and I mean love, not lust – is the imperfection of the human being. So, when the imperfection of the real person peaks through, say “this is a challenge to my compassion.” Then make a try, and something might begin to get going.

I was reading someone’s blog today who I used to know and just felt pure love. Some people you learn more about and fall in love with them. Other people, you learn more and like them less. Maybe some people just know what to show and what not to. Though often, it’s vulnerability that both turns me on and turns me off. Funny thing.

Had fresh crab cakes tonight from a new local seafood store we tried. Holy yum. And now it’s only 6:42 pm and I’ve already eaten dinner and had my first martini and have no excuse to do anything other than write. So off I go. I had a ton of dreams last night that I woke up convinced my unconscious was coming up with great stuff for my novel! That’s what I like to see… an unconscious that knows how to work for me while I’m sleeping.

One of my most favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - partly because I think the writing is absolutely brilliant, partly because I love Kate Winslet, but mostly because the couple in the movie reminds me (and J) impossibly of us. I don’t think anyone else would ever recognize that but that just goes to show how nobody knows anything about anyone else’s relationship.

ANYWAY, in that movie, Kate Winslet calls the library, the “libary,” which I have a habit of doing too. Now, I know there’s an ‘r’ in there, and sometimes I say it, but for some reason, it just doesn’t seem right. And so…

we’ve been spending a lot of time at a local-ish libary near us. We live in a town of 3,000 people and well, the libary, really isn’t up to snuff. I’ve been in there. It’s cute. It’s sweet. So we explored the libary in the next town South. Nice. But not that nice. And so we kept traveling South, closer and closer to civilization (the direction we normally go in). And so, we find ourselves in a lovely college town of about 30,000 people, a town we go to dinner in fairly often, a town I wouldn’t really mind living in, if I could bear to part with my house and 100% privacy.

So this libary…it’s gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Half of it is from 1908 or something like that. The rest is newer, but it’s just gorgeous and there are tons of places to sit and the books are amazing. J goes and looks at books about his career and finding his life’s purpose. I read my writing books and do a little writing. Something about getting out of the house…away from the dishes and the vacuum and the wine and the food (as much as I love those last two) and the cats and the clutter… I can work better. And because J hunkers down for hours at a time…I’m forced to work. It’s nice.

And for a few random thoughts….

It’s snowing outside.

My best friend in Maine got her house completely ransacked

I asked the universe for a good parking spot at Target and the universe delived within seconds.

J put “the secret” dvd on hold at the libary

I haven’t been running. or jogging. or exercising at all.

I got my hair done today, which took 3 hours and $160. And is not really all that dramatic. (but it looks nice)

I’m about to finish the frozen pumpkin pie I got for a thanksgiving gift at work

I still have a crush on older consultant overly testosterony guy at work. A big one.

I don’t think it feels like Christmas.

I have a lot of baking to do.

I got a free roll of sausage at the grocery store last night and it made me inordinantly happy.

I canceled piano lessons.

I’m getting annoyed at myself for making a list of random thoughts.

Ok then… guess I should find something else to do. G’night.

for a blog post. Not sure if I have much to say, but I didn’t have time to do my “morning pages” this morning so I’ll just go all free form on ya!

(mind just went blank)

Oh! So we went for a labyrinth walk tonight. Those are always so worthwhile, and no that wasn’t sarcasm believe it or not. This one is at a “new” church..new for us anyway. It’s a big labyrinth, which is nice because it takes me a while to loosen up. I’m a little uptight and self conscious. But there were candles and music and not too many people there (2 or 3). I asked the question “What do I have to do to realize my dream of writing a book?” I always try to ask a question but I’m not really the patient type so my internal monologue sounds something like this..

(walking rather too briskly) ok universe what do i have to do to realize my dream of writing a book? huh/ huh? come on! do you hear me? oh shit here’s someone else get the fuck outta my lady ok what do i have to do to finish my book oh there’s J what’s he thinking about oh jeez here’s someone else are they staring at me becaues i’m not wearing socks and htey think it’s totally unsanitary, if they say anything to me i’m gonna be like “look fuck you man I’m just here asking questions…” oh yeah so universe what do i have to do? really come on

But then I start to relax a little and my shoulders relax and my pace slows down juuusstt a little bit and for a second someone else is walking right next to me and then off they go in another direction and I realize that we’re all in this thing together - we’re all on our own, yet in it together. And people get out of my way, and they get in my way, and they enter my life, and they leave my life, and what I’m left with is me walking forward, sometimes not knowing where the eff I’m going and other times with a clear view andI know what I have to do and I just have to keep moving forward. So there you have it.

So J and I are both in a bit of an intensely focused period right now. He caused it by his new career focus and if I hate anything it’s being left behind. He’s not going to get all fufilled and shit without me! NO sir! or as we say in Maine, no sah! And so I’m reading writing books and they inspire me and I write a little more even though I don’t know what I’m doing or how I’ll ever make it work and I alternately have total faith in myself and none at all, and then I read a writing book and realize that that is totally completely normal. Right now I’m reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamonte (have I mentioned this already) and it’s effing brilliant and I love it and I lover her. And I’m reading a formulaic plot book, which is equally brilliant and totally contradictory and even though it goes against what I want to beleive in, it still seems wicked useful.

I made beef stew in the crockpot and the aroma is killing me but I have to wait for the dumplings to finish up….I think the timer says 8 minutes but I can’t quite see from here. (salivating)

And I have a huge “crush” on a man at work…the kind of crush that is completely phsyical and if I was locked in the same room as hiim for 10 minutes I’d attack him like a rabid dog and then have absolutely nothing to say to him afterward because there’s nothing cerebral about it. And that’s how I know I’m completely in touch with my cave woman self. But of course, our brains and consciouses and egos etc. have gotten bigger since cave woman days, so of course I won’t act on it. But damn, man. holy sexy older man. grrrrr!

Ok, I guess that is enough. Ciao! I love being able to talk here.