Thanks for the fish

a Monday. And I’m grumpy for no reasonable reason. Funny how you can still call it a “reason” even if it’s not reasonable. Funny thing the English language. Ok, I have “reasons.” I had another crazy day at work. Some sucky things are happening and even though I shouldn’t really be involved, and I’m certainly not responsible (not me!), still it affects me and maybe my mood a bit. Also, and I think this is a fall thing, I’m starting to feel things that have been under control for a good part of the summer. You know, like discontentment, envy, lust,  stupid shit like that.

So I sit here with my hot drink - half hot cocoa, half kahlua and my eyes are closing because I’m so damn tired. Or maybe I just don’t want to deal with “life” tonight…dishes and litter boxes and the crap I usually ignore anyway. Oh negativity, where have you been all my life? You’re such a good companion. I suppose dwelling on it won’t help.

It’s getting cold here. Under 40 for 2 nights in a row. Had to dig my callas up and now they’re sitting in the basement, waiting for me to pack them in peat. But I have no good box. Last year the cats ate them and barfed everywhere. Trying to avoid that, so I have them on top of hte tool cabinet. I moved my peony to the front of my weed bed, and moved the tansy to the back. It’s huge. I think it was actually taller than me. But pretty and it smelled so good when I cut it. Also planted a new mum since the rest of them died last year. And finished the brick edging around the rose garden. It’s amazing how much I can get done when I focus. I did all that yesterday, plus went to work for a few hours, went for a 3 mile jog, made chili, made oatmeal creme pies, and oodles of other things. Tonight… can’t really compare.

Well, I really feel like daydreaming right now so I think I’ll grab a book, pretend to read, and go lay on the couch and imagine a life different than this one where my husband isn’t sick and grumpy and doesn’t find fault with everything I do and work doesn’t suck ass. And a good night to ya!

is not a bad thing. I almost bought some wine at the store but I stopped myself because a) I would probably drink the whole bottle (again) and 2) I’m really trying to “tighten my belt” and we already had beer in the fridge..so why spend $1 on wine? A rare case of showing restraint. Very proud of myself.

It’s been a good week. Why? Let me count the ways:

1) I complained to my boss on Monday and he actually talked to some higher ups who promptly thanked me for my hard work and told me they were committed to making things better.

2) Whilst I was miserable at work last week, I applied for a job at a local hospital. They called me for an interview, which is now scheduled for next Friday. I dont’ expect the pay to be great, even though it’s a manager position which woudl technically be a promotion. But it would be closer to home. I’m doubtful I would take it if they offered it to me, but it’s worth a look. At any rate, I am happy that they called me for an interview. The job market is crap here so frankly, I’m flattered.

3) Wednesday’s Latin Dance class had become something I dreaded. I just feel dumb, and white, and lame, and uncoordinated. But last night, I said fuck it, I’m going to have fun. And despite doing “body rolls” and looking like a puritan having an epileptic seizure, I laughed my ass off and had a good time.

4) I’m entering the fun time of year at work. It’s United Way time so we do a lot of “fun raisers” which I love to participate in cuz I’m just a fun loving gal (despite being an uptight prude). PLus, I’m finally (after 2.5 years) getting comfortable there so I can be myself and relax. It takes me a while. Which is also why I probably won’t really be leaving.

5) Oh! I thought of a kick-ass idea for a novel. An apocalyptic comedy. Maybe it’s done before, but I’ll do it better. Has it been done before? I can enver tell if the movies playing in my head are real movies I’ve seen or I just really have a great imagination.

Well, dinner is ready. Arrivaderci!

blah. Big time. I dont’ know if it’s the shorter days, the rain, the impending cold weather, anemia, or the fact that I drank an entire bottle of red wine last night, but I’m just not feeling it today. Simple tasks like ironing clothes are overwhelming me and I basically want to curl up in a fetal position and close my eyes. I should go for a jog because I know no matter how bad it is, I’ll feel better for having done it. But I can barely get enough energy to go to the kitchen and stir my apple butter.

I want to look at what I’ve posed in the fall before… I feel like it’s all cyclical. I get a little manic, a little depressed, a little wistful… bah. One part of me wants to conquer the world and the other part wants to nap permananetly. Deep breath…

Well, I DID find what looks like a good vegetarian chili recipe for the chili cookoff at work. It’s from Emeril and the comments were very positive. That was one thing on my list. Next, I need to pack up some stuff that I’m about to sell on ebay. I think I miscalculated on teh postage so I’m actually going to be in the hole instead of profit on one of them. That’s annoying, but the fact is that I’m getting one more thing out of the house, so that’s good. I’m trying to feng shui this place as much as possible. I’m sick of clutter.

Actually, that’s a good thing to do on a rainy afternoon, home alone, feeeling icky. Clean out the coat closet! Ok, off I go. Send some positive vibes my way.

Conversation tonight with J.

Me: I’m used to bullshit at work. I know every job has it’s bullshit, but this is bullshit squared.

J: hmm, mmm.

Conversation at work today.

younger stressed out gay coworker: So and so is going to be mad that I haven’t finished their project yet.

wise old me: Well, they’re just going to have to understand that we’re only so many people and we can only do so much work. I mean, it’s not like we’re just sitting around with our thumbs up our asses.

coworker (wisfully): That would be more fun.

Me: mmm… I’m not sure about that.

Other coworker: (cracking up)

Hating work, but everyone around me is too, so I guess that helps a little. Talked 2 coworkers into grabbing a quick drink after work sans boss. It was nice because I’ve been yelling at one of them a lot, so it allowed me to assuage my guilt about being mean to my coworkers because of my own stress level.

I’m either going to “work from home” tomorrow and force people (my boss) to pick up their own marbles tomorrow or I’m going to go in (maturely) and ask to talk to my boss about “my roles and responsibilities” and explain that the job I’m doing now is not in any way, shape, or form, the job I applied for. Of course, in my mind, this requires an ultimatum (LOVE ultimatums) but you have to be prepared to call someone’s bluff in these situations. Could I quit my job tomorrow? If I sold my mini (weep!), Yes, I suppose I could. J is a little freaked out, and I am financially conservative and don’t really want to quit my job, and I suppose it would be silly. But I hate it.

blah blah blah… ramble….. ramble on. Sorry.  This is silly. Suck it up girlfriend and do crap work for a decent wage. It’s what we all do, right? Right. (end of whining)

Today marks day 2 of the 1st 5 day work week in a long time. First there was my vacation to Alaska. I took the Friday before off, was gone for a week, and then there was labor day. The next week I took Friday off and the following Monday and Tuesday for Miami. So that makes it…. drumroll please… 5 weeks of not going to work every day. And now…sniffle sniffle… ok one more sniffle… it’s over. BAH! GAH! WAH! I am so OVER work.

Crappy day…hate job. It was literally miserable and painful. But then a church nearby was doing a Labyrinth Walk. Let me tell you, that’s the only thing that’s going to get me in a church these day. I dig it. We do it every now and then and I enjoy it every time. Basically, you just walk around on this diagram on the floor of a winding path. It loops in, then you get to the center, then you loop out. It’s like walking meditation.

Tonight, I asked Mary what she’s trying to tell me. I’ve realized lately that Mary (as in the Virgin Mary) has been speaking to me. Of course she is just a later version of Venus/Athena… whoever. The goddess. For one, I’ve been listening to Patty Griffin’s Mary from (what’s the name of that album…the live one… I don’t know.). Then I bought a book at the airport “Traveling with Pommegranites” by Sue Monk Kidd and her daughter…lovely lovely book. I always love books I get at the airport. Why? And she’s a a little obsessed with Mary. And then I think of the art I like.. .Now I’m not all artsy fartsy, but I took a lot of art history classes in college and became a fan of medieval and renaissance art. And if you’ve seen any of that, you know it’s pretty much all religious. And if you know me, I’m not. so my soul is hankering for religion? or the goddess? what?

On the labyrinth I started thinking about prayer. I wasn’t raised religious. My mom was raised Catholic (well, her mom was Catholic anyway…half Irish) and she’s always said she’s more “spiritual” than religious. My father was raised in Lutheran country (Minnesota) but was not raised religious. But when I was around 10, I started praying..something like “Dear God. Please protect my family because I love them very much. And protect me too.” That evolved over the years, eventually adding people and pets “up in heaven.” By the time I was 34, the list was rather long and frankly rather depressing. I DO want to remember the people and pets I loved and lost, but maybe remembering them every night was too much. At a certain point, I decided I was an atheist (recently). This had something to do wtih J reading a bunch of books and deciding he was an atheist. It seemed very bold to say “eff you” to all that. All the fairy tales and delusions. And I kind of got a kick out of saying “I’m an atheist” and watching people’s reactions.

But… maybe there’s more to the story. I like the idea of the divine. I believe in fate and synchronicity and purpose. I believe in signs. I believe I’m here for a reason. I even sort of know what that reason is. And so I’m looking to Mary, Venus, Athena, WHOEVER for courage and faith and perseverence and bravery and patience and whatever else it takes to make a difference in this world and be who I am meant to be.

So there’s that… and now I’m cooking a butternut squash to make some soup with and (ok I admit it) drinking a few cosmos cuz a shitty day is a shitty day, no matter how many epiphanies I have.

30 minute jog (!?!)

An omelette on an english muffin

A cosmo (of course)

Yes, it was a Monday. A Monday of a 5-day work week, which I have had blessedly few of lately. I can’t remember the last time I worked 5 full days. Not a prospect I’m looking forward to. On top of that, I got my period this morning. And I already know it’s not going to be one of those lovely light ones where I hardly even notice I have it… this one’s a beast.

(time lapse… J’s cousin just came down so we could talk to him about FINALLY finishing the basement…he’s the one that built our house)…and now I’ve lost my blogging mojo. OH well. I was just going to complain anyway! But I went for a jog and feel a little bit better and may just have one itty bitty more cosmo just to be sure I feel better. Adios! OH! Remind me to blog about Mary/Venus…I think she is trying to tell me something. I just don’t know what yet.

and I’m in full on food preservation mode. I think it’s safe to say that my life, and my happiness, revolves completely around food. Today, after going to the post office (my one non-food related task…sending a book out to a bookmooch.com recipient), I stopped by the farmer’s market to see if they had any butternut squash. Usually, by this time of year, I’m harvesting my own squash, lining them up in the foyer and admiring them. But we got zip from our garden (and then gave up probably a little too early), so I’m ok with buying things locally. I got 2 squashes and 2 half pints of rasperries. And on the way, I saw the “blueberries/rasperries” sign on the road which had popped up for a week in August and then disappeared (apparently everyone is having a crappy gardening year)… (new paragraph…getting long)…

So I got home and we went to the grocery store for our weekly shop, and then back out to find the berries. The picking wasn’t easy but we got 5 pints of blueberries and one quart of already picked raspberries. I love gathering food but blueberries and raspberries suck. They’re so damn small and it takes forever to fill up a box. It exhausted me, but hey, it was a beautiful fall day, so I’m not complaining.

Then off to the apple orchard to pick our apples. They were covered in pesticide this year (Yuk), but we got 2 big bags (45 pounds total) of mostly macs. I’ve already used 8 pounds of them on 6 pints of applesauce that I made with my new Victorio food strainer. Froze 4 of the blueberries and the quart of raspberries. Pretty pleased with myself but feeling pretty tired.

Also ran for 3 miles today! Very slowly but my endurance is definitely improving. Now J is waiting for me to finish so we can watch a documentary about the financial crisis. : ) We’re such nerds but I do count myself lucky for finding myself a nerd that I can be my own nerdy self with. Anyway, good, busy day today. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain so I plan on sorting through my recipe cabinet and doing other indoor things. The weekends almost (almost!) make the work weeks worthwhile.

Ok, so most of my life I’ve had a bit of a hate/hate relationship with doctors (and insurance companies, too.) I grew up in the military system and we’ve all heard about military doctors (all true). Then I spent my 20s switching jobs, changing insurance companies and hopping from one crappy doctor to another. At some point I found an awesome gyn., an awesome dermatologist, and a good foot doctor. Never did find a great primary care doctor.

When i moved here, I started going to a random doctor. She was ok. A little rough around the edges, but I thought she knew her stuff. Then she utterly pissed me off last month with her horrible bedside manner and apparent lack of any listening skills whatsoever. Not to mention social skills.

So… I work for a health care company and we do in fact have primary care offices. I talked J into going there and he really liked his doctor. He said that his doctor sat down with him and actually jsut talked to him and listened to him. WHOAA! Craziness! So finally I switched over to the same doctor and went in for my “new patient appointment” today. Loving it! As much as I hate my company right now because all of the craziness on my end of things, I love my new doctor.

The only bad part was that I had to wait on hour, and I personally think that’s totally disrespectufl. I hate waiting. On the other hand, when he did come in, he took his time with me (probably why he was running late) and I asked all the stupid little questions that I normally feel too stupid or intimidated to actually ask doctors, such as “umm… well, like you know, sometimes when I exercise my right ear starts feeling funny and I can hear my heartbeat in my ear.” And “um… well, this is kinda dumb but I’ve been um, you know, consipated for 3 months.” Stuff like that.

I’m not saying he had immediate answers to all of these things, but he listened to me, he offered suggestions, he told me to come back if it got worse, he was NICE. Shocking, I know. I left feeling like I had someone I could actually feel good about going to when I dont’ feel well. That’s new for me. Good feeling. Oh, and it wasn’t just the doctor. It was the woman who checked me in, the nurse who took my vitals, everyone! I love my company sometimes.

Well that’s all. I have another topic but I’m going to save it for tomorrow… Memories of good things that you have long forgotten about: Shopping for books at the college bookstore and how exciting that was at the beginning of the semester. Haven’t thought about that in ages. I guess the fact that it’s fall made me think of that.

to run. Or do anything else. Here I sit after a long and exhausting day at work, like a blob. I know I should run. I imagine myself as I want myself to be… not smoking, not drinking, but running for stress relief. Look at me. Look at those strong, fit, tanned (why not? this IS a fantasy) legs, striding along confidently and deliberately… And the reality. 2 cheese sticks. Bread and olive oil. Walnuts. Probably a cocktail soon. Copious cigarettes. Why can’t I be as cool as I am in my fantasies? Why?

And to put more pressure on my nights, the days are getting shorter, so if I DO want to go for a run, I only have 10 minutes to make a decision or I’ll be out running in the dark. And J is not here to motivate me because he is running in Portland with his running group. I’m such a loser compared to him. Not to mention the fact that I gained at least 3 pounds on vacation. But (insert whiney tone) I don’t WANNA run. I don’t wanna do anything, so I’ll sit here all night feeling bad about myself. So I should just go do it. Fuck… I think I just talked myself into it. Alright, I’ll be back in half an hour (whhaa!).

being home..

1. My itty kitties. Even coming home to fur all over the house and the stink of kitty litter is ok since they are such good boys. They’re still a little mad that we’ve been gone for 8 days though.

2. A full size shower. After a 7 day cruise and the shower the size of an airplane seat (don’t get me started about those), I’ll never complain about my “little” bathtub again. At least I can turn around in there and reach up to wash my hair. I feel so clean!

3. My bed. ahhhh… I’m in it right now.

4. Maine! J keeps waxing eloquent about the west coast and I’m getting mad at him. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

5. A full on connection to the internet, without paying by the minute. I admit, I love the internet. I’ve been on for the last hour, ever since I got home. But give me credit. I only checked it once on the cruise and I regretted it. But now I’m home so it’s ok.

6. Walnuts. Hello Princess Cruises… you can’t afford walnuts? Omega-3 withdrawal people!

7. Water i’m not afraid to drink from the tap. Though granted, it actually tasted better on the ship. I don’t know if it’s because we havne’t been home but the iron tastes/smells wicked iron-y. Not like ironic, just irony. Maybe it’s always like that and I had just gotten used to it.

And things I loved about our fantabulous vacation to Alaska…

1. Oh my god, the scenery. It’s like maine on steroids. Everything is bigger and more remote and wilder and more beautiful and scarier…both good and bad are magnified by 10. Incredible glaciers, incredible mountains. Small, small, small cities and towns. Did you know Juneau has no roads going into or out of it?! Crazy!

2. Fresh salmon. Oh my god. There were salmon everywhere! Like living, breathing salmon rushing through the rivers. Crazy!

3. Crab! Oh my god. Dungenness crab. King crab. Um, yum!

4. Bald eagles! Ok, so I see those at home, but man were they everywhere. Crazy!

5. Cruising…not so bad. J got seasick once and then put on his patch that he got from his doctor. I was ok, though a little queasy here and there. Oh! The weather! We were expecting rain (stupid weather people) but it was gorgeous! Ok, I’m rambling. The food was pretty good on board and we didn’t have to worry about our itinerary. It was a nice balance of seeing stuff, relaxing, and just totally ESCAPING. In other words, it was 100% what I needed.

What else? Thinking about my book, and about writing, and about people who take risks and do what they love and escape from the ordinary. Thinking about aging and being female and mortality. And people and love. And plots and themes. But mostly just happy to be home and happy to have had a wonderful time and glad that I have 2 days off to recover before work on Tuesday. Which by the way, I’ve also decided that it’s silly to stress about work. See, this is what vacations are for. Aren’t they totally necessary? Yes, they are! Good night. It’s 1:20 am eastern time and hell, I’m not tired a bit!