Thanks for the fish

but won’t complain because as pathetic as it is, I was happy to stay home, even if I was sniffling and coughing and blowing my nose. I don’t feel that bad…but I SOUND bad enough to call in sick. : ) Dig it.

Some trivial, annoying things have been happening lately that have gotten me a bit overwhelmed. Most of them involving car problems, lost keys, speeding tickets…you know, things that cost a bunch of money and are a big pain in the ass.  ok, ok..things that cost a BIT of money and are a BIT of a pain in the ass. But I hae a low tolerance for life. It’s too much! I’ve had 2 new car keys made from the delership that “should” work but don’t. What do I do now? Drive the effing mini cooper all winter while my all wheel drive with snow tires sits in the driveway? ARGH! I guess a locksmith is my next step. Annoying!

The most annoying thing about it all is that I watched “the secret” which tells me I can have anything I want if I just feel warm and fuzzy all the time. Guess what? not working (obviously) of course maybe I’m causing it not to work by saying it’s not working. It’s one of those tricky things like faith. Anyway, I’m putting all my positive energy into writing this novel so maybe I just don’t have enough positive vibrations left over for car shit. Fine!

I downloaded a free opensource novel writing software called Storybook. It’s nice. I like it. I’m already feeling better organized. It doesn’t help that I change my plot and my characters every time I write (which is basically every day), but I do believe that I am slowly but surely “getting there. My goal is to have this thing in the bag by my birthday (memorial day). Deadlines are teh only way I’ll get this done. And that is a totally reasonable timeframe. i wish I had more time to work on it, but I’ll make it work.

What else… 2 weeks till Xmas. Each year it becomes mroe and more irrelevant. I used to feel bad about that. This year, I’ve accepted it. I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t have kids. I don’t even hang out with anyone with kids. Let’s face it, Christmas isn’t that fun if you don’t fall into any of those categories. Don’t get me wrong, I got a tree and decorated it. I didn’t even get mad when J didn’t help me. It was more a chore than anything, but I didn’t miss the feeling of nostalgia. In fact I’m quite glad to be rid of it. Yeah, I’m getting old. does this sound negative? Uh oh…. I hope the universe isn’t listening… might be more car problems in my future. Ok focus happy happy happy grateful tottally grateful!j which I actually am.

Anyway, I threw J a little party for his birthday. It was fine. Hmm… I guess I’m kind of depressed and didn’t really realize it till I started writing this. Not to be alarmed though. Everyone in Maine is depressed at this juncture of winter. we’re nearing the shortest day of the year and from there, we’re on the upswing. I feel pretty positive for being depressed though.

I swear I haven’t even started drinking yet today… ?  God help me!

from Joseph Campbell…

Perfection is inhuman. Human beings are not perfect. What evokes our love – and I mean love, not lust – is the imperfection of the human being. So, when the imperfection of the real person peaks through, say “this is a challenge to my compassion.” Then make a try, and something might begin to get going.

I was reading someone’s blog today who I used to know and just felt pure love. Some people you learn more about and fall in love with them. Other people, you learn more and like them less. Maybe some people just know what to show and what not to. Though often, it’s vulnerability that both turns me on and turns me off. Funny thing.

Had fresh crab cakes tonight from a new local seafood store we tried. Holy yum. And now it’s only 6:42 pm and I’ve already eaten dinner and had my first martini and have no excuse to do anything other than write. So off I go. I had a ton of dreams last night that I woke up convinced my unconscious was coming up with great stuff for my novel! That’s what I like to see… an unconscious that knows how to work for me while I’m sleeping.

One of my most favorite movies is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - partly because I think the writing is absolutely brilliant, partly because I love Kate Winslet, but mostly because the couple in the movie reminds me (and J) impossibly of us. I don’t think anyone else would ever recognize that but that just goes to show how nobody knows anything about anyone else’s relationship.

ANYWAY, in that movie, Kate Winslet calls the library, the “libary,” which I have a habit of doing too. Now, I know there’s an ‘r’ in there, and sometimes I say it, but for some reason, it just doesn’t seem right. And so…

we’ve been spending a lot of time at a local-ish libary near us. We live in a town of 3,000 people and well, the libary, really isn’t up to snuff. I’ve been in there. It’s cute. It’s sweet. So we explored the libary in the next town South. Nice. But not that nice. And so we kept traveling South, closer and closer to civilization (the direction we normally go in). And so, we find ourselves in a lovely college town of about 30,000 people, a town we go to dinner in fairly often, a town I wouldn’t really mind living in, if I could bear to part with my house and 100% privacy.

So this libary…it’s gorgeous. GORGEOUS. Half of it is from 1908 or something like that. The rest is newer, but it’s just gorgeous and there are tons of places to sit and the books are amazing. J goes and looks at books about his career and finding his life’s purpose. I read my writing books and do a little writing. Something about getting out of the house…away from the dishes and the vacuum and the wine and the food (as much as I love those last two) and the cats and the clutter… I can work better. And because J hunkers down for hours at a time…I’m forced to work. It’s nice.

And for a few random thoughts….

It’s snowing outside.

My best friend in Maine got her house completely ransacked

I asked the universe for a good parking spot at Target and the universe delived within seconds.

J put “the secret” dvd on hold at the libary

I haven’t been running. or jogging. or exercising at all.

I got my hair done today, which took 3 hours and $160. And is not really all that dramatic. (but it looks nice)

I’m about to finish the frozen pumpkin pie I got for a thanksgiving gift at work

I still have a crush on older consultant overly testosterony guy at work. A big one.

I don’t think it feels like Christmas.

I have a lot of baking to do.

I got a free roll of sausage at the grocery store last night and it made me inordinantly happy.

I canceled piano lessons.

I’m getting annoyed at myself for making a list of random thoughts.

Ok then… guess I should find something else to do. G’night.

for a blog post. Not sure if I have much to say, but I didn’t have time to do my “morning pages” this morning so I’ll just go all free form on ya!

(mind just went blank)

Oh! So we went for a labyrinth walk tonight. Those are always so worthwhile, and no that wasn’t sarcasm believe it or not. This one is at a “new” church..new for us anyway. It’s a big labyrinth, which is nice because it takes me a while to loosen up. I’m a little uptight and self conscious. But there were candles and music and not too many people there (2 or 3). I asked the question “What do I have to do to realize my dream of writing a book?” I always try to ask a question but I’m not really the patient type so my internal monologue sounds something like this..

(walking rather too briskly) ok universe what do i have to do to realize my dream of writing a book? huh/ huh? come on! do you hear me? oh shit here’s someone else get the fuck outta my lady ok what do i have to do to finish my book oh there’s J what’s he thinking about oh jeez here’s someone else are they staring at me becaues i’m not wearing socks and htey think it’s totally unsanitary, if they say anything to me i’m gonna be like “look fuck you man I’m just here asking questions…” oh yeah so universe what do i have to do? really come on

But then I start to relax a little and my shoulders relax and my pace slows down juuusstt a little bit and for a second someone else is walking right next to me and then off they go in another direction and I realize that we’re all in this thing together - we’re all on our own, yet in it together. And people get out of my way, and they get in my way, and they enter my life, and they leave my life, and what I’m left with is me walking forward, sometimes not knowing where the eff I’m going and other times with a clear view andI know what I have to do and I just have to keep moving forward. So there you have it.

So J and I are both in a bit of an intensely focused period right now. He caused it by his new career focus and if I hate anything it’s being left behind. He’s not going to get all fufilled and shit without me! NO sir! or as we say in Maine, no sah! And so I’m reading writing books and they inspire me and I write a little more even though I don’t know what I’m doing or how I’ll ever make it work and I alternately have total faith in myself and none at all, and then I read a writing book and realize that that is totally completely normal. Right now I’m reading Bird by Bird by Anne Lamonte (have I mentioned this already) and it’s effing brilliant and I love it and I lover her. And I’m reading a formulaic plot book, which is equally brilliant and totally contradictory and even though it goes against what I want to beleive in, it still seems wicked useful.

I made beef stew in the crockpot and the aroma is killing me but I have to wait for the dumplings to finish up….I think the timer says 8 minutes but I can’t quite see from here. (salivating)

And I have a huge “crush” on a man at work…the kind of crush that is completely phsyical and if I was locked in the same room as hiim for 10 minutes I’d attack him like a rabid dog and then have absolutely nothing to say to him afterward because there’s nothing cerebral about it. And that’s how I know I’m completely in touch with my cave woman self. But of course, our brains and consciouses and egos etc. have gotten bigger since cave woman days, so of course I won’t act on it. But damn, man. holy sexy older man. grrrrr!

Ok, I guess that is enough. Ciao! I love being able to talk here.

Sorry…this is apparently my whining forum. Ok, so I’m a total bitch, a horrible wife, an awful employee, a pathetic friend, but mostly my back just really really effing hurts. I don’t know if it was at the race on Sunday (did I mention I ran a 5K? In 35 pathetic minutes…I know, negative, just let me go with it tonight please) or something since then (probably my bitter resentful mind wearing off on my body) but I did something horrendous to my left lower back and it’s gotten worse every day since oh… Monday? And now it’s making me absolutely miserable. Now let’s take that equation and add….

a dash of bitterness because my husband gets to go back to school and mooch off me for 18 months which really deep down inside I AM OK WITH… my bitter self has not told my nonbitter self that yet though. Need to get over it, deary.

and ok a sprinkle of PMS

and a drizzle of winter blues/discontentment/work dissatisfaction/self hatred

And so I sit with a glass half full (half empty?) of my cheap vodka and gatorade as I slave away in the goddamn kitchen with my bad fucking back while my husband works out the gym for 2 fucking hours.

And then he comes home and I yell at him and make him go out to get me wine! BAH!

Sigh… plus I haven’t sex in months.

BAH BAH! BAck to the kitchen.

but my husband’s pissed off mood does not. Well back to the kitchen to play with my beets and escape the wrath of J, Angry White Man.

ebay.

So I’m on a frugal kick. I’ve been reselling stuff I buy at discount stores like TJ Maxx, etc. on ebay and seeing if I can make a profit. I’m not making too much but it has made me realize how hard it is to make a buck and also that once you buy something, it’s value goes down substantially. So now before I buy something I think “what will that be worth in 6 months?” Hint: Not a whole helluva lot.

However, that did not stop me from going to Target yesterday. Ihad the day off for Veterans’ Day and I have actually had some successful auctions on Ebay. I bought these little robotic hamsters on ebay for twice their retail price hoping they would become “the hot toy” of Xmas 2009. Well, it looks like I am quite the genius actually. I’ve sold half of what I bought and have already recouped my cost. So I shoudl double my money…which would amount to about a $120 profit. Which is exactly what I spent at Target.

Now I make a point of NOT going into Target because I can’t seem to get out of there for less than $75. Now, you know me… it’s not like I have a burning desire to buy cheap crap from China to clutter up my cottage with (did you love the alliteration? I did!). But for some reason, yesterday everything just looked so goddamn CUTE. Maybe I haven’t been shopping for awhile. Maybe I’ve been too tight and so just needed to spend money. But I got in there and even though I knew I was out of control, I couldn’t help it. I bought:

2 pairs of yoga/running pants, which even though they didn’t TOTALLY hide my ginormous ass, definitely helped. (on sale btw)

2 pairs of brown pantyhose (because even though I wear them all the time, I keep hearing about how it’s the greatest fashion sin ON EARTH to wear nude pantyhose. Ok fine I’ll get brown)

A flannel night shirt in a size too small, which I blame on J because he says he hates my beloved gray sweatpants that I lounge around hte house in. Yeah, that was a total impulse buy.

Some Curl Life hair cream because the b&b stuff I bought in Florida is just not working for me. I wanted to use it up but I’m tired of my hair looking like crap. And I’m in a phase where I really want to “work the curl” instead of drying it straight because it’s getting way too long for that. Besides I bought this Ouidad shampoo and conditioner that’s supposed to be great for curly hair and my hair cream seems to be nulling out the effects. Case in point, my hair looked nice (and curly) today.

A jog bra. In a medium. No bouncing noticeable at all. Love it!

Oh…shipping boxes in various sizes and shipping brown paper.

What else?…..oh a hair brush because the one I had had all the little balls missing so the pointy things were stabbing me in the scalp. Not very comfortable.

I also looked for some stuff to make homemade cookbooks with for Xmas presents. Like a little notebook or something, but couldn’t find anything. Goddamn it in today’s world you should be able to find anything your mind thinks up. Right?? So now I have to be all creative and shit and that just gets my goat. Oh well!

Time for apple/cranberry bread.

puffy. When I look in the mirror lately, I see this puffy, cartoon-like me staring back. I’ve reached the 160 mark (ok, I’ve gone over the 160 mark, but only at night!) and all of a sudden I’m like some characiture-like fat me. I’m just bouncy and puffy all over. Even my boobs are like these giant puffy appendages. It’s very odd. Even odder is the fact that i’m not freaking out about it. i do intend to do something about it, but no point getting all upset.

The funny thing is that I must be in better shape (by some measure anyway) then ever because I just ran 3.5 miles and feel a-ok. In fact I feel pretty terrific. I’m going for 4 miles next. I’ve also been going to a weight training class (don’t tell me that my weight gain must be muscle…see note about puffiness above). So it’s clear that the problem area is what is going into my mouth. Mostly pie. But I do so love the fall because of the food.. the soups and stews and crockpot meals. the pie, the pie, the pie and the pie. and the hot chocolate and the red wine. My goal is to be in the low 150s (read: 154) soon. very soon. How’s that for a measurable goal?

So on Friday night I got shitfaced with coworkers. And then my husband came. THen…this the good part… we went DANCING. This is pretty big, folks, you know why? because I have never NEVER never “gone out dancing” in my life. Well, ok, that’s not true. I just thought of one time, ok 2 times, in my early 20s but that mostly involved hanging out by the bar and basically refusing to dance, and then finally, awkwardly sort of dancing. But this time I was so far gone that I was dancing. Like hoochie mama dancing. It was awesome. And it was such a dive. I loved it. I can’t remember most of the night, though I do remember giving pubic hair trimming advice to one of my coworkers. Nice! Can’t wait to see her on Monday.

So yeah, I never learn, but what the hell. It was fun. And I refuse to feel guilty about it. : ) (I mean that. really).

We’ve already had our first snow here, which was a little awkward because my all wheel drive subaru is on the fritz. I need to take it in and get it looked at, also get my snow tires put on and an oil change. So I took the mini out in the snow and she has shitty tires on her anyway. But it was fine. The best part? Heated seats baby. oohhhhh yeahhhh. So today was gorgeous and warm. J was out playing soccer in p-town so I had the place to myself. For some odd reason, that made me productive. I went outside and pulled all the random bags of soil and sand into the building. Dug my snow tires out of the building, dig some totally pointless raking and brought the pots full of dead and dying herbs and pansies into the screened in porch. And swept the stairs. We are such half-assed homeowners. we really don’t deserve anything better than a trailer, because we suck. But now it looks 20% presentable. I have been feeling a little bad about it lately. Also thinking about the value of hte house re: upkeep and landscaping, NOT that I plan on selling it anytime soon.

Speaking of mortgages, we are in our mid 30s, but unfortunatley we’re really ready for retirement. J is just sick of work, and frankly, so am I. We’ve been doing the math and we’re in a good place financially… we refinanced the house for 15 year,s but are paying extra so we’re on track for 10-11 years. If we sacrifice everything for the next 6 years, we could probably pay it off. But… well, I like my vacations, and I like hording a little money here and there. And just between you and me, I’m afraid that I’ll throw all of my extra money at the house and then we’ll pay it off and then he’ll leave me for a younger woman and I’ll be stuck with loads of furniture, a house I can’t unload, and a dark and bitter heart. But enough about my secret fears.

I have discovered the secret. Buy cheap red wine, then not only do I save money but MAYBE I’ll drink less of it since it tastes like ass. HA HA HA. Maybe not. Hell I ran 3 miles I can do what I want.

And now on to my novel. Which I am trying to be positive aobut. Watch this: “It’s going fine.” (that’s my attempt at positivity.) Ok, that’s all. I’m bouncing away now on my rolls of blubber. bounce! bounce! bounce! Quick, get out of the way.

P.S. My husband now weighs 5 pounds more than me. And he is 6′2. Grrr!

anything tonight but then I read a blog and realized that for some odd reason it just perked me up to read about someone else’s life who I don’t know at all… so what the hell! ha! Maybe this is why the internet is a good thing.

So I’ll start by patting myself on the back, because that is just oodles of fun (and hell nobody else does it and I’d hate to feel left out). I actually should pat J on the back because he is the one who gets my ass in gear. We got up at 5ish… didn’t shower, drove to P-town (where I work), ran around a 5K loop…it’s actually really pretty…it’s by a round body of water (don’t really know what it is, but it’s somehow linked to the ocean, eventually), and surrounded by a boulevard of nice homes, mostly, on the other side. So you run around and look at wildlife and then you get bored and look at cars cruising the strip (though not nearly as seedy as that sounds). Anyway, the POINT is that I ran 3.1 miles this morning BEFORE WORK. Then I went to work all sweaty, with a red (maybe purple) face (I get wicked funny colored when I exert myself…to the point of people staring), showered, then went off to a meeting. I felt pretty good about myself, but pretty tired phsyically.

Next random subject: Gay Marriage. Maine had a referendum vote to repeal the gay marriage law that was enacted (some time). New England is pretty liberal as I’m sure you know, and I always think of Maine as pretty liberal or at least independent or at least “do what you want to do, just don’t bother me” and I like that. I lived many years in Virginia where I was constantly frustrated by the fact that the majority of people in teh state didn’t agree with me. I didn’t expect that to happen once I moved to Maine. Now we DO have Republican Senators but they are also the only SANE Republican Sentaors and I love them both. Senators Collins and Snowe, you rock! The only republicans I will probably ever vote for…Anyway… I’m pretty socially liberal and certainly think that gay couples have the right to health insurance, property.. ..whatver basic human rights that married couples have. And well, long story short, the vote went toward repealing the law and I, along with most people I know, are rather disappointed and maybe a little embarassed about it.

What else? Work has turned into this ridiculous place that for some reason I continue to choose to go.. oh yeah, for that thing called a ‘paycheck’ and that other thing called ‘health insurance.’ But at least at this point I realize the ridiculousness of it and just laugh about it. And if they fire me, all the better. FU925. Wouldn’t that be a great licence plate?

So it’s 7 pm and feels like midnight cuz the sun goes down at 5 now. I’ve drunken all the wine I bought last night and a neat little wine shop I found and so now all that is left is to work on my novel and get excited about the possibilities of really, like for real, saying FU to 9 to 5. And G-Night!

enjoying the things around me: fire, wine, comfy chair, laptop, but at the same time I’m annoyed, grumpy, and tired.

Tired because my exercise addict husband made me get up at 4;30 this morning to drive to Portland in time for a 6:15 Body Blast class. (That’s a 60 minute long torturous assault on every muscle group in the body if you were wondering). Now I’m satisfied that I did it but sore and tired.

Grumpy because I have PMS and have all week. Isn’t it funny how people I normally like irritate the living shit out of me when I have PMS. There is a guy at work, D. He’s the brother of a good friend of mine (who coincidentally also irritates the shit out of me when I have PMS). He’s nice and funny and I used to think cute. Before I knew him so well, he seemed like a perfect prospect if I ever happened to get divorced. Now, not so much. He’s so negative and gloomy and Eeoyore-like. I had to give him a lecture today about thinking positive. He thinks his worldview of “expect the worse, then be pleasantly surprised” is effective. I don’t. I mean, I try not to get my hopes up unreasonably high, but COME ON. If you never expect anything more than mediocrity than what’s the fucking point?????

Also pissed off at my piano teacher, who is raising her rates beginning Jan. 1 to $80 a month. You may think that doesn’t sound like much, but it’s what you get for your money. 30 minutes (usually less because she’s running late) a week, most of it telling me about God, her sex life, the time her husband almost left her, her weight problem, her crazy family, or other things. Have I actually learned anything productiec in hte last year? Um, no. And then she acts irritated because I can’t play worth shit. (or maybe I’m just being overly sensitive in a PMS type fashion)

My cats are also annoying me. One is not eating, which really irritates me because then I have to worry about him, and I HATE IT when people/animals make me worry about them. It makes me want to live alone and have no friends or family so I can just worry about my own self and nothing else. I totally understand being a recluse. I can’t deal with it. The other cat is being a greedy, needy pig, and I know he’s a lovely cat that just happens to have emotional problems but I’m a bitch right now and can’t handle that either. Right now, I won’t let him anywhere near me, so he is sitting on the couch, next to my chair, just so he can be near me.

I’ve become obsessed with making money. Not in the tradional  9 to 5 sense but in every other sense. I’m trying to find ways of squeezing blood out of stones, turnips, whatever so one day I can avoid going to work. Meanwhile, I’m trying to bilk my current ocmpany by working as much overtime as possible since they pay me time and a half for it and it’s damn good money. It’s all completely irrational and contradictory, which pretty much describes my personality sometimes.

And J is miserable too so we talk about what suckers we are working for the man, which just makes it worse, because if at least one of us believed in this bullshit capitalist system, then maybe it would rub off on the other one. But now we just hate ourselves for not having the balls to quit our jobs and do what we really want to do. So I horde money and try to pay off my mid-life-crisis-minicooper, which I still love in this completely irrational way.

And my sister, who had been unemployed for several months, and I worry about (so I’m mad at her too), finally got a job. And I’m happy and so is she, even though it’s at a company that she continually quits from (though not the last time). But she has a mortgage and the pay is good so she has learned the lesson at the age of 36 that yes, if you are the little people of America, you have to be a slave to the man if you want to pay your mortgage.

And is I type this out, I think, if i could write my novel as quickly and passionately, and with no thought whatsoever as I do this blog, and I could actually make it interesting and grammatically correct too, that would kick ass.

And so I will continue on wiht my new novel, which I do believe in, but I keep writing and rewriting Chapter 1, losing more faith in it eahc time I rewrite it. And now the red wine is kicking in, my muscles hurt, and my eyelids are getting heavy as the hum of the propane fireplace blurs in the background and the heat hits my feet and …. boy it’s only 6:45 so I guess I better rewrite Chapter 1 one more time.