Thanks for the fish

mind. Not that they are weird. It’s just weird that they are on my mind.

Twice I walked out of the office today with the exact same thought coming out of my mouth…”Wow, that was  total synchronicity!” I”m back on my synchronicity kick. I’ve been reading my “power of coincidence” book again and just like the last time I read it, now I’m seeing synchronicity everywhere. Plus, we watched a movie last night called “The air I breathe” or something like that with brendan frasier and forrest whitaker and that was all about synchronicity. Plus, I’m making that a theme in the book I’m still attempting to write.

Anyway, I have to start writing this stuff down. I already forgot what the first one was about, but this is the second one. I get my teeth cleaned in South Portland by a very nice dental hygienist named Sonya. She is from Bosnia (I think…or Croatia… I hate to admit but I really don’t know the difference). She’s very sweet and I can tell she is a little sad. She had a life over there and she moved here and now she’s a dental hygienist. I’m sure she’s making ok money, especially for Maine, but god… how hard would it be to move from your home country and settle in Maine? I mean, I love it here, but it would be sort of like moving from Kansas and going to Siberia (I guess)…and she has a husband and a baby and she talked her parents into coming over. I forget the whole story because it was told to me months and months ago, but the gist is that they are well-educated people who had good jobs in Bosnia(Croatia?) and they don’t speak english. They moved here and the only job they could get, while they study english, is as cleaning people. Somehow we realized that they work in the very office I work in. Which is very odd because it’s not like I work in a high rise. My company owns the whole building, so it’s pretty coincidental.

So at first I thought she was wrong…she was just saying “Yeah that must be the place they work” because it’s on that street - a major street in Portland. Then I started to notice the cleaning crew. Yes, there was an older couple who looked foreign (how do I know? I dunno). Well, months pass… I notice this all in passing. Then I start thinking about them. I see them more often. Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about them. Well, that’s the end of the story. There’s nothing else, but it’s like I want to help them. Or be kind to them. I saw the wife last night and she smiled at me and I just want to… I don’t know! I feel for them.

So that was a stupid story. I was really mad at a coworker on Monday. By Tuesday afternoon I was trying to be civil. By this morning, I was being quite nice, if reserved. then I found out his father’s cancer is back and will probably die. I was glad I wasn’t still being a bitch to him.

My posts make no sense anymore. I am sorry! Well it’s 8:15 and I have piano tomorrow and it’s been ugly lately. I’ll put in a solid half hour and then I’m sketching out my scenes for my novel. Here’s my one sentence synopsis. Don’t steal it:

A greeting card writer accidentally burns down her house and decides to turn platitudes on the page to passion in her life.

What do you think?

*Important news bulletin*
Hillary wears pant suits! And sometimes they are yellow! Don’t you know that yellow pant suits can seriously impede the successful running of a country! Oh, and she’s a bitch too, with a shrill voice. (and she doesnt’ have a penis). Oh, and she’s not super model attractive either. And kind of old and wrinkly. Just thought you should know.

Anyhoo, so I got a few things crossed off my garden list. 5 things to be precise. Here are some pictures.

There we go… basically I got all the clover out of this area, which was intermingled with all the periwinkle and then I mulched the hell out of it. I have no doubt the clover will come back, but what can I do? mulch, mulch, and mulch some more. There’s my non-flowering flowering dogwood. Had it 3 years… 4 years? and the damn thing has never bloomed. Oh well. Would like to buy a buckeye.

Started on my book. whoo hoo! Was supposed to write 11 pages, but only got one done. But I’ve started and that’s all that matters. I’ve been working on my piano song, but I don’t feel like I’m making a helluva lot of progress. It sounds rough. So basically, today was super lovely, but made my head hurt. Everything makes my head hurt lately. But maybe that’s a good sign…maybe that means synapses are forming or something. : )

Went up to J & Js to see J’s crazy aunt and uncle from baltimore. Still crazy. : ) and I got a super duper out of the deal. Now I’m making a frozen pizza. I’ve been eating a bunch of crap lately. Oh well… Back to work tomorrow. : ( 2 day weekends really aren’t enough. But I’m determined to be productive and fabulous at work from now on.

One more picture from teh garden:

Wild iris along my driveway. I think this is what they call “blue flag” but I’m not 100% sure. But I know I didn’t plant it. My other irises are flowering too. gorgeous! I love irises.

I brought blank index cards to work to write down scenes for my book in case I had a brainstorm. Well, often during the day I write little notes to myself and decided to write a response to someone, who I’ve never really told them like it is before. You know how those self help books tell you to write a letter and throw it away. I thought, what the hell…it’s cheaper than a therapist. Then I looked at what I wrote and thought it would be too much of a shame for it never to see the light of day (yeah, it was that good)… then it occurred to me to use it in my book. Voila. Then it led to me figuring out some other details of my plot and before I knew it, all my index cards were filled out. See how that all works out?  My raifish, emotionally unavailable character is really starting to fill out too. You’ll love him, you’ll hate him, you’ll root for the other guy. I’m having way too much fun.

 

 

 

Through my reading, I’m starting to realize that there are some major masterpieces that I’ve never read before. I think it’s time. So here goes (not all of them are masterpieces, just other stuff I want to read):

 

 

 

Jane Fallon – Getting rid of matthew

 

Maltese Falcon – Dashiell Hammet

 

One Flew Over the Cuckoos nest

 

The Adventure of Huckleberry Finn

 

Machiavelli – the prince

 

The 48 laws of power – Robert greene

 

Rant – I forget his name… Chuck something.. he wrote Fight Club (this is really more violent than I usually like, but I’m kind of intrigued)

 

The Lucifer Effect (not sure about this one, but worth looking into though I think I may disagree with the major premise).

 

Wild Trees (about these people who climbed to the top of the redwood trees.)

 

How to say it at work (self help for people like me)

 

People skills (ditto)

 

Power of Myth (have this – just need to read it)

 

The Goddess Path

 

Hero with 1000 faces (have this too…one day I’ll read it)

 

 

 

What I really want to do is read Pride and Prejudice for the 50^th time. Never gets old. Sigh…I guess I could just watch the movie again. That would be quicker, but not nearly as satisfying.

 

 

 

Cranked up my light therapy to 100% intensity this morning. Seemed to work. I’ve also lost 5 pounds.

 

 

 

Where should I go for my next vacation? Scotland ? Greece ? Cypress ? Amsterdam ? Rotterdam ? You-don’t-really-give-a-damn?

 

 

 

Mailing my sister The Alchemist and the Regina Spektor cd. She never reads the books I send her, but I persist anyway. I just want her to be as happy and well adjusted as me, that’s all. Oh, I think I’m going to take French classes.

 

 

 

ha! understatement. But for once I’m going to resist the urge to talk about my feelings, overanalyze everything and act like I’m the first person that ever suffered. Suck it up! Sometimes you stick your neck out and a bird poops on it. Happens to the best of us, right? Fine. I think from now on in my life I need a little more action, a little less thought.

 

 

In witchcraft there are two rules. 1) you’re not allowed to do anything that would cause harm to someone else. So, for example, you couldn’t do magic to get yourself your boss’s job if that meant your boss would be thrown out on the street. 2) You’re not allowed to do anything to a specific person. You have to hope for something general. For example, you can’t try to make a certain person love you, because then you’d be controlling another person. But you can do magic to attract someone like that certain person. I think that’s a good rule of thumb in life. That one person. That one job. That one piano recital… whatever… you can’t rely on that. It’s just too small to fill up a whole person with eternal happiness. But you can work toward getting things in general. Interesting people, a job you love, a hobby you enjoy and excel at. That’s the positive way of looking at it.

 

 

I’m going to focus on my book with single-minded determination. That’s what a man would do. Yeah, I know I went on a rant about how women were so much better than men. But when it comes to not dwelling on things and focusing on work in times of crises, men definitely have the upper hand. I’m like a man in other ways – I don’t do the dishes, I don’t like to be nagged, I’m kind of tall and broad shouldered… I think it could work. But first, I’ll tell you about the nightmares I had last night:

 

 

I had one of my existential nightmares. The weird thing about them is that I’m awake, or at least half awake, when I have them. It was like I had had a prophecy about it, because when it happened I thought to myself “oh here it is” like I had expected it sooner. My eyes were open and I was looking around my bedroom and I didn’t know where I was. Usually this freaks me out, but because I had been expecting it, I went with the flow more than usual. I was convinced I was at Yosemite and it was the usual caught between worlds/states that I usually get. Like I wasn’t alive but I wasn’t dead yet either, but learning that everything I’d ever known was a total lie. Usually at that point I’m on the verge of a panic attack, but I rode it out and eventually realized that I was looking at my own room. Though now that I think about it, it looked a lot brighter than it should have for the middle of the night, so maybe I really was asleep (or else kidnapped by aliens).

 

 

Then I had a very vivid dream that J was having an affair. We were in the Neon, which coincidentally we bought from our philandering ex-brother in law. We walked by this pretty girl who had really cool hair… brown with blonde streaky highlights. They looked at each other weird, which I noticed, and then he walked by her. We walked into my college bookstore and I got pissed and started walking out to the car. There were 5 people in the car, looking around for “evidence” and I took this as confirmation that they were having an affair. Next thing I know, me and J are at my sister’s house (but it wasn’t really her house… it was an older house, or more casual house, with a  basement) where we were watching the superbowl. I told my sister to come upstairs, and then led her out to the porch and I told her that J was having an affair. Then my other sister came in and I told her too. The first sister said I shouldn’t be telling everyone. I didn’t know what to do.

 

 

The other night I wrote an entire poem in my dream (did I already mention that?). It was crazy… but once my conscious mind tried to take a peek, my subconscious shut it out. Very very rude. All I wanted to do was read the poem. I wasn’t going to critique it.

 

 

 

 

Yay! I keep forgetting. Just got back from Borders… stocked up books for tomorrow…books that are going to help me write The Great American Novel. Got Joseph Campbell’s Hero with 1000 faces. Plus the Power of Myth. Couldn’t decided between Pathways to Bliss or Myths to Live By, then decided on Power instead. It’ll be a good starting place. From the Power of Myth:

“If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are - if you are following your bliss,  you are enjoying that refreshment, that life witin you, all the time.” 

Sweet! 

I’m beat. The pollen is really bothering me… feel like I have a massive hangover all the time. Having one cosmo tonight just because I’m really on edge for some reason. Got an email from my old boss in VA. She asked if I wanted to apply for a telecommuting position they have open. I asked her how much it would pay but I haven’t heard back. I have a feeling it would pay DC prices here in ME. I don’t know though… I finally found a full time writing gig…finally found people I actually like working with. There would be a lot of pros, but I’m just not sure I want to work from home. Kinda boring. I’d have more free time to work on my book, but I find that when I have too much time, I just piss more of it all away. Sometimes you have to keep time a commodity.

Thought I saw someone who looked familiar at borders. But it probably wasn’t him. He did look at me kind of funny though. Oh! Also went to the Lobster shack and had crabmeat rolls by the ocean. Beautiful! Next time I have to remember to bring my own wine (and a tablecoth)… and a heavier sweater!