worthwhile to blog about tonight? I do not know. Ok, so rambling it is.
Went to my eye doctor and he said it wasn’t as bad as last year. I need to put these patanol drops in my eyes twice a day and within a month I should (key word) be able to wear cotnacts again, at least a few times a week. I’ll take it at this point. My doctor’s really nice and sweet but every time I go there I wait an hour and that just drives me nuts. My only consolation was that I was not at work. Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up my meds and that took about 40 minutes.sigh…
I’m overwhelmed at work and moody. On top of the quitting smoking, this weight watchers thing makes me super grumpy. I can not be hungry gracefully, and hungry I am. Buuuttt… I already lost 2 pounds! In a day! If I could just keep up that pace, I’ be at my goal weight within weeks. sweet! But if I could get philosolphical about it all (what? me?), it’s an interesting experience being hungry all the time. It puts it all in perspective. I don’t have the energy to try to be someone I’m not. And I don’t really care. Even the cute boys don’t phase me when I’m starving. I say “oh look…cute boy.” and then I have to shut down to conserve energy. No more fantasies for me, unless they involve a boston creme pie and a giant vat of mashed potatoes. too bad I don’t have the food network anymore. I could totally go for that right now.
But really, I’ve realized how little food the human body really needs. In fact, I still have 4 points left, even after dinner and a cocktail. Plus, I plan to exercise. I think it will be good, though I feel like I’m neglecting my writing. As you cna see from this, I just haven’t been in the mood. So my plan is to read a lot and read some writing books too. You can always learn something new. I wrote one kind of good thing at work today. Otherwise I’m kind of stuck. Overwhelmed. It’s like my whole body and mind has just slowed down. I feel mono-like tired again today. Oh well… complain complain.
I’m off to play piano, do some jumping jacks, and finally finish up “a short history of myth,” which isn’t as good as I was expecting. But the good news is I can then start my next book, which I think will be a Kurt Vonnegut.
hmm hmm…boy is it good to be home, eating cheese curls for breakfast! Life is good.
We got back on Friday evening in good time. It was a quick trip, and was pretty nice, but I think in everyone’s mind it was sort of something to be gotten through rather than something to enjoy. So we all survived and I have a sneaking suspicion that this will be the last family Christmas for us. And that is ok. I love my family but all of us together at once isn’t necessarily the best idea. My sister has a 2 year old and another on the way, so she is busy and preoccupied and stressed out. And the rest of us are just kind of moody. But my English cousin and his girlfriend spent Christmas day with us and they were very interesting to talk to. And surprisingly the ride down and back with my parents was actually quite pleasant. Having said all that, I’m staying home next Christmas!
I’ve gained a little bit of weight. I really want to lose some, but obviously the taste of cheese curls won over teh possibility of being svelte by spring. I really need to get some self control. I did go to the gym yesterday though and in the new year, I really do plan to make some healthy changes. I haven’t had a cigarette in quite some time. I’m pretty serious about giving up diet coke. And I’m just going to stop buying crap like Ritz crackers and cheese curls that I will mindlessly eat entire boxes of in one sitting. I think I’ll start thinking of some new years resolutions too.
Back to work tomorrow. I feel like i”m in a pretty good place mentally. I guess time away does do you some good. It’s warm here today and I expect much of the snow to go away.My parents got me a bird feeder for Xmas and we filled it with premium seed (not the black oil sunflower like usual) and the birds are not diggin’ it. I suppose they are up at my in-laws getting the good stuff.
I’ve been reading a book called “The World Without Us,” that J got me for xmas. I’ve wanted it for a while but my new frugalilty has stopped me from buying it. It’s really interesting. It tells the story of what might happen if humans were to disappear tomorrow. how long would are houses last? What animals would trhive without us and which ones would go extict (rats, cockroaches, dogs). Interestingly, they said cats would probably survive. That made me smile.
Well…time for a shower and then I’m going to sit by the fire and read my book.
homemade cheese… has resulted in yet another failure. Why is this not working? Is the milk I’m buying really ultrapasteurized, when it says “pasteurized?” Am I doing something else wrong? Usually at the point where the curd doesn’t get solid, I dump it in the sink and curse at it. This time, I’m dedicated to salvaging something…anything… so I got the muslin out and poured the half formed curd into it. Now it’s hanging from a know on my ktichen cabinet and I’m eating this shit no matter what!
This has been a productive weekend, for sure, but now I’m tired and can’t believe that it’s Sunday night. I have absolutely no desire..not the littlest inkling.. to go to work tomorrow. I spent most of the weekend concocting a wardrobe scheme so I wouldn’t have to think about what to wear every day, then ironing everything and organizing it all. I’m pretty happy with it, but since my latest attempt at quitting smoking I’ve gained a few more pounds, which means nothing looks good on me anyway. I should have run today but J has been workign 24/7 and it was raining, and to go running alone in the rain was really too much for me.
We went apple picking on Saturday so now have 40 pounds of apples that I now have to do something with. : ) Why do I do this to myself? I guess because I know that soon enough there will be no fresh food to be had so I might as well make the most of it. We actually went picking in the rain, and we were by no means the only ones. I also organized the gardening bench in the basement, did all the laundry and oh many other things. My parents came to visit today and my dad finished fixing my downstairs bathroom lights and mirror…now I just have to sand it down, repaint a few patches, and clean up! It looks great. And my mom helped me sew some sweaters and tried to fix my sewing machine, but no luck. It’s really nice having them so close.
I can’t bear to watch the redskins game. For once it’s on TV but I just can’t handle the stress. So I sit here with my old fashioned cocktail looking at the list of things that I did NOT do this weekend and realizing that weekends are way too damn short and there is way too much to do. And writing always gets pushed to the very bottom of my list. Yes, trying to make cheese comes above what I claim is my lifelong duty. OH well….
Heating option update. I sat down Saturday to figure out what to do about heating this winter. It’s not as dire as I thought. Last year we went through approx. 500 gallons of heating oil and spent about $1500. This year, using the same amount, we’ll spent about $1750, if the price stays what it is now. Last year, we were cold though. We kept the thermostat to 60 during the day and 65 for the evening, back down to 60 or so for the night. We supplemented with a propane fireplace in the living room, a space heater in the office, and lots and lots o blankets.
This year, we’ve decided to get a small wood pellet stove for the office. Hopefully the heat will work its way upstairs to the bedroom. The stove will be about $1200, the pellets $1000, but I think the pellets will last more than one winter. WE really may not save any money by going this route, but I’ll feel better knowing that we’re not 100% relying on heating oil. If another hurricane hits Texas and oil doubles, then at least we have options. So I feel good about that. Now we just need to buy one, figure out how to install it, and get Home Depot to deliver the pellets we ordered 2 months ago.
Well… summer is officially over and my summer reading challenge is still going on. I have half a book left, but I”m pleased to report that I have read 9.5 books this summer! I think that’s pretty impressive. Well, it’s only 6:42 but it’s dark and I feel like the night is over. I should do my weight lifting, some writing, maybe make and can some applesauce. But I think I’ll try to tackle book #10 and stay awake till J gets home…if he ever gets home.
So I did my finances this month, as I do every month, and decided that 1) I can’t afford to buy a mini, in fact I can barely afford to pay my bills and 2) This month I have to be extra extra careful not to spend money because for some reason I seem to have even less money than usual. Good plan! Let’s go shopping!
Well I need more Simply Periwinkle semi-gloss to finish my downstairs bathroom. Can’t argue with that as I already have the first coat on and not enough left to finish it. And well, I did a shitty job of cleaning off teh roller and the paintbrush, and the plastic tray thing, so better replace that too. And since I’m already at Lowe’s, let’s look at the plants! Ooh! The pansies are in…in fun fall colors! Well, it’s not like I can really let the window boxes sit empty all fall. I have soooo many visitors at my cottage in teh woods and I would not want to disappoint them. J wanders off and yells “L! Hey, raspberries!” Me/sucker: “Really! Let’s get 3 each!” J: where will we put them. L: Oh we’ll find somewhere, won’t they be yummy!
Ok, Honda Civic is full to capacity. Let’s go to Borders, because we do have coupons. Me: I’m hungry. Won’t it be fun and kind of European to have a Capuccino and a sugary snack in the middle of the afternoon? J: You buyin? Me: Sure! I got a Rice Crispy treat and a capuccino and was a little disappointed in both. To make me feel better, I bought 3 books. Eat, Pray, Live by Elizabeth Gilbert. She is going to be speaking in Portland and it’s “on my list” to see an author speak, so I want to do this, and thought I should read her book first. Then, bought a Paulo Coelho called “Veronika Decides to Die” sounds fun, huh? I know a lot of people think he is fluffy, but I don’t care. His books are meaningful to me and plus, they’re really quick reads. And then I bought the only other Barbara Pym novel they had at Borders called “An Unsuitable Attachment” just because I liked “Excellent Women” so much. My summer reading challenge with my sister is wrapping up… 3 weeks to go and I’ve only read 7 books. These 3 could wrap it all up in a nice little bow.
Then I hit the grocery store for the 3rd time this week to get ground beef and an onion for some lasagna (have to use up all the tomato sauce I made from our tomatoes). And some Smirnoff. That, by the way, is a sign of hard times in the E-W household (yes, we are hyphenated. I’m an E, he’s a W…so we’re not technically hyphenated, but I like to call us the E-Ws mostly because it irritates my in-laws (which is also hyphenated).
By the way, I had an entire bottle of white wine last night and feel absolutely fine today. Which makes me realize, red wine is the devil (but awfully yummy).
I’m working on a landscape plan for my parents. I’m thinking yews, daffodils, lilacs, etc. etc.
since I hate to complain about my health here (do I?) I probably won’t have much to talk about. I’m feeling rough and I’m a horrible sick person. I’m self-diagnosing and self-treating so hopefully I’m doing it correctly and will be back to feeling good by the end of the long weekend. In the meantime, I guess it’s not so bad being laid-up. I just finished an excellent book called “excellent women” by Barbara Pym. My mom found it somewhere and loved it, then my dad read it and loved it. Then I read and loved it. It’s the first book I’ve read all summer that I’ve really loved. I wonder how that happens.It was just a very comfortable book…like an old friend. How’s that for a cliche.
Sooo… what do we think about this VP pick? Oh aren’t the democrats mad?! I sort of snicker smugly to myself because as much as I will never vote for John McCain and as much as it pains me to see a bright woman who doesn’t support women’s reproductive rights, I still love to see a woman (who is not a wife) be standing up there with him. I have to admit that Hillary losing was a blow to me. I would love to see a black man be president and I’d love to see a woman be president, and I never thought I would see it in my lifetime (guess I still might not, but worst case scenario I will at least see a woman vp), but it seems a shame that one had to knock the other out. I guses I’m a little depressed about it when I think about it, but in my current state (sitting here in my bathrobe and feeling absolutely pathetic) I’m pretty much depressed about everything. Not in the mental health definition of the word…just feeling a little bit like things could have worked out a bit better. But didnt’.
I don’t think I slept at all last night. But to make myself feel a little better, I did stick to my plan today of having: no more than 4 cigarettes, no more than 1 diet coke, and no more 1 alcoholic beverage. In fact, I had no alcoholic beverage, mostly because I had nothing at home except the bourbon, and that really calls for a desperate situation more desperate than the current one. I tried to get the hubby to go out to the local gas station quicky mart for red wine and ben & jerry’s, and for a minute I thought he would actually do it (that shows how pathetic I really must seem). And I think he even really would have done it if I had pressed him to.
I brought work home to do this weekend. I’ve actually reached the point of feeling stressed out just thinking about work. Usually I can leave it at work. So I won’t think about it right now. Good plan, and good night.
Yes I AM good at those clever blog titles, aren’t I? I guess that’s why they pay me the big bucks to be a copywriter. hmm.. But let’s not talk about work. What then?
Running… Ok, that’s an exageration…let’s call it wogging… it looks sort of like jogging, but is no faster than walking. But I have moved up on my progress… Now I am wogging for 5 minutes at a time! exciting! Painful! But it did not kill me…so good news. I also did not have a single cigarette today.
The reason I had zero ciggies today… well, I’m freaking otu a little about my health. I’m having some health problems, that I’m sure are minor and will most likely go away on their own, and have absolutely nothing to do wtih my lungs or smoking, but you know.. .once that “fear of mortality” mentality takes hold, all logic is useless. Though I suppose sucking 250 known harmful chemicals into my lungs every 2 hours is probably not totally logical either. I will miss it though. If I can control my stress level at work, I can be successful at this. In the meantime, I know the good product development folks at proctor and gamble can surely invent a non-cancer causing cigarette. I mean, how hard is this? You can invent 200 different types of toothpaste, but not this? IT’s very annoying… I think they’re just unfocused.
I’ve found a writing contest to apply to. Wait, did I already talk about this last night? If so, I’m sorry…The deadline is Dec. 1 and the word limit is 1500. The subject I have decided on: Cheating! Not as in marital/sexual cheating (I don’t think).. .just cheating as a general strategy to get ahead. what do you think?
I think things are looking up. I get sucked into weird things sometimes but once they are out of sight, they are miraculously out of mind. Yay, me! Than god I’m such a simpleton. But I’m still trying to find ways to add some meaning to my life. I think the busier I am, the more people I meet, the better. Maybe it’s just distraction… or maybe it’s putting myself out there in order to expose myself to all that life has to offer (i know.. blah blah blah)… But several people I know have had weird synchronicitous stuff happen to them lately. Where was I going with this? I don’t know…
I really want to buy a mini! And on that note, I’m going to have a shower, get ready for bed, and hopefully fall into a deep and dream filled sleep.
Oh, I finished “how to be good” by Nick Hornby. A little depressing given my current life situation but funny as hell at some points too. Now back to “when god was a woma.”
goals, and nearly all of them accomplished. Let’s see if I can get this to work:
hmm.. .sort of. That’s what happens when I leave work at 2! I had to go to the doctor for a UTI and I have to say, I’m not a good sick person. I know people get these all the time, but whaaa… I don’t feel good! Ok, got that out of the way. I’m working from home tomorrow, so that means I can sleep in and just take care of myself. I have a ton of work to do.
First real bounty from the garden:
Yum. Those are my mamma mia tomatoes…supposed to make great tomato paste. I just looked up how to do that and you basically just boil it down till it gets so thick it’s pasty. Sounds simple enough. The recipe calls for 2 dozen so maybe I’ll wait a few days and see if I can get enough to ripen up. Otherwise I guess I’ll just get started with these. Not sure if I will can them or freeze them. It will be good to know that if we go broke this winter, we can at least have pasta and tomato paste. The corn is looking good too.. about 2 ears per plant…have no idea if that is normal or not as it’s the first time I’ve ever grown corn. The squash is looking awesome…we must have 20 of them out there.
I meditated for 14 minutes tonight. Practiced piano. Finished my book. I don’t really understand what it was about, but I liked it nonetheless. A touch bizarre. Now I think I’ll read “When god was a woman” by Merlin Stone. NOthing like a little feminism to spice things up.
I hate my hair. I’m a hideous troll. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I just can’t seem to reconcile how I think I look (attractive, gorgeous, sexy, young) with how I actually look (old, crazy, fat, and definitely unsexy). But I suppose I will eventually get used to it. Or else I’ll jsut stop looking in the mirror. And I know how annoying it is to hear someone complain about their appearance, adn I try not to do it, but it’s just upsetting. I look like bozo the clown.
Anyhoo… I guess that’s it. I think it’s my infected body that’s making me feel so crappy inside and out. At any rate, I’m looking forward to a day by myself tomorrow.
of running at a time. It’s still nearly killing me, but I can’t but feel that I’m making progress. Now I’m having a cosmo.
Today was nice… one of those sundays that seem to last forever and can hold a million lifetimes of whatever I want to do. For instance… my mom stayed over last night so we had tea together this morning (plus I slept in). Then she left and I decided to continue on the bathroom project that I started several weeks ago. Just took a picture.. maybe I’ll remember to add it later. I only have one coat of primer on so far and it’s always surprising to me how little that first coat of primer does. In other words, it looks like total shit. But still… progress… I don’t require much. It was painted a dark green so it’s going to take a few coats of primer and a few coats of lovely periwinkle paint before it looks good. Luckily I have beadboard on the bottom half of the walll, so the surface area is pretty small. Then I just need my dad to help me with the lights, hang the mirror and I’m done.
Then I worked on Cider House Rules for a while. It’s a 5 page song and my teacher told me to not try and memorize the final 2 pages. pshaw! Whatever! I can totally do it. I’m working on page 3 right and that’s the hardest page, so once I get done with that it will be cake. The recital is on the 15th…so plenty of time.
Continuing to read, and continuing to love A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murikami. I lived in japan when i was in elementary school and then again for 2 years when I was in high school. That’s a long time ago now but it’s a time I remember fairly well. This book is about Japan so it’s fun to read as I can related a teeny bit to it. I love the way he writes. I always like those sort of bumbling self effacing narrators with personality..and the story is sort of hard to grasp, and I like that too. I think that’s one thing I don’t do well - mystery. Being a copywriter, I’ve spent my whole career trying to write things that are totally clear and don’t need any interpretation at all. Perhaps I need to get over that with fiction writing.
Another thing I’ve noticed about my writing is that the hardest part for me is finding a good idea. IN my writing group (when they decide to meet which is pretty infrequently) we have a writing prompt and then just write. I always find something to write about with the prompt. But without a prompt, I’m hopeless! But I’ve read things about different authors and they always ask them “where do you get your ideas” and they always say…everywhere! the newspaper, tv, friends, whatever. Sooooo… I think what I’ll do is write some short stories for a while and try to hone the craft of coming up with ideas. I’ll look through magazines and write a story about something I read, etc. I’m going to start tonight. As soon as I write this, finish my cosmo, make dinner, eat dinner, etc. etc. etc. But really, I will.
Dyed my hair “really red.” No, that’s not the name on the box (that would be Light Auburn). I came downstairs and sat at my computer. J was at his computer right next to me. 5 minutes later, he finally looked at me and just sort of stared. I smiled. He said “That’s really red.” I said “do you like it.” He said “That’s really red.” So heretofore, light auburn will be known as “Really Red.” I, for ONE, like it. Love it. It’s holy sexy, if you ask me.
Well, I suppose that’s all I did today. I bought an ashtray for my car at VIP yesterday. I guess that says something about my committment to stop smoking at this particular juncture. Eventually the running and the smoking are going to butt heads. Ha ha.. get it? butt heads. i kill me.
Well, guess that’s all. Did I mention I’m signing up for french classes. So in anticipation of that. arriverci! Oops, I think that is Italian. uh…. oh! Au Revoir! Oh! One more thing… it never stops raining here. Ever.
J bought some krill oil capsules, which are like fish oil capsules, but better. I guess krill are some type of antarctic shrimp…high in Omega 3, dha, etc, etc. I take fish oil sometimes and it makes me dream like crazy. Well, krill oil seems to have the same effect. This is by far the weirdest dream I have had in a long time.
Me, my mom, my dad, and this girl from work, A (not sure how she ended up in my dream, though now that I think about it, she’s been in several dreams I’ve had…weird, let’s analyze that later) and maybe my sisters had gone on a trip of some sort and came back (perhaps from a train trip) and we went to find our car in a city-like place to go home. It wasn’t a super busy city, but just a street where there were some business buildings, parking meters, etc. We walk up to the car and notice that all of our purses are sitting on the roof of the car. Duh! How idiotic! WE left our purses on top of the car all day. (eyes rolling). Then I pull out my wallet and everything is there and I say to my dad “See, this is the great thing about living in Maine. Nobody even stole anything!” My dad walks into a building. Just then, a truck or armored car like vehicle pulls up and a scraggly middled-aged white lady winds down the window and says to me (I’m on the curb side of the car, so she has to say this over the car) “I don’t want to have to shoot you so give me the diamonds. Then I rememeber that there is a bag of uncut diamonds like in a ziplock type bag on top of the car too…a hole big honking bag of them. My first reaction is fuck it, I’m not going to die for diamonds, so I pick the bag up and am about the toss it to her and then I look at my mom and say “Is dad going to kill me if I do this?” and she shrugs as if to say “yes” without actually saying yes. I hold on to the bag, stalling, and I want my dad to come out to tell me what to do. Then I start thinking about it and decide I don’t want him to come out becuase I don’t want him to get shot. Meanwhile, I keep stalling and she waits patiently.
Then, a cop of some sort is standing beside me, but she doesnt’ see him. He has a giant metal arm that he is maneuvering over the armored vehicle, cutting a hole in the top of it. I keep stalling, hoping she odesn’t notice. At this point, I don’t think I can give up the diamonds. I’m sort of frozen. He keeps cutting and then lowers a claw like thing into the vehicle and it wraps around her hand where she’s holding the gun. Then it wraps around her neck and starts strangling her. I’m saved.
Weird, huh? The funny thing was that I felt like I hadn’t even gotten to sleep. I went to bed at 10 and then looked at the clock at 12 and thought, jeez, I’m never going to get to sleep. And then I realized that I had had that dream. Or else I had the dream later and just revised history. Who knows. Anyway, just took today’s dose of krill oil so I can’t wait to see what dreams I have tonight! Assuming I sleep, which is still a problem.
Tonight was jogging night. We’re doing 90 seconds jogging, 2 minutes walking. I’m in rough shape. We do this for 20 minutes and I’m a wheezing mess by the end (actually from the beginning). I know if I stopped smoking I could do better, but I’m not willing to give that up. Besides I only smoke about 5 a day. 8 at the most. That’s not very much, but definitely enough to feel it in my lungs.
Twas a beautiful day. Blue skies, hot, not too humid. Threat of the daily thundershower but none materialized. Our veggie garden is kicking ass. WE have corn!! I’ve never grown corn before so this is super exciting… purple silky fibers are starting to appear. Wow. And the tomatoes have lots of green tomatoes on the vines, and Oh!!! the squash!! I love squash like a baby loves her mama and there are oodles and oodles of squash on the vines. It took forever to flower, but when it did, it flowered like crazy. By the way, squash flowers are very very pretty. As are eggplant flowers. We have a fence, but I’m scared the deer will jump over it. The squash vines (actually everything in teh garden) have gotten HUGE this year. I think it’s all the cow manure we put on. Some of teh squash vines have escaped the fence and I’m afriad the deer will get a taste for it and then be motivated to jump inside. Oh well… I guess worrying about it won’t do any good.
At one point today I had this bad feeling. The feeling you get when you have a weird encounter with someone and feel guilty, or awkward, or ashamed, or bad about yourself. So I went to review the situation in my head so I could make snese of it, and I couldn’t even figure out what the situation was. In other words, I felt bad for no reason. How stupid! And yet knowing nothing happened didn’t help. I could not talk myself into feeling better. It was strange. So then I thought maybe it was something I ate. ? I don’t know.. maybe I’m just kooky.
Having a martini and enjoying the night. There’s really no point worrying about decisions you may never have to make. Tomorrow may come and I will have to make decisions I didn’t see coming, and other options will never materialize, nulling those decisions entirely. I guess I’ll see what life has to offer me (while doing what I can to make sure I get what I want as best I can.)
I am totally swamped at work. Have juicy meaty projects that I’m totally overwhelmed with, but I have decided that I want to win an award. J says that’s a bad goal because I have no control over it. But screw it. I wanna award! So that is my goal.
Still loving A Wild Sheep Chase. Read it! He is wonderful! Next on my list is “When god was a woman” by Merlin Stone. : ) Yes… feeling a touch manic.
does self esteem not be an issue? I don’t get it… I’m 34 and feel like I’m junior high half the time. All around me are confident, socially adept people who seem totally comfortable in their own skin. And then there’s me.
Ok, funny story. As I’m still recovering from a weekend with people much younger and much more fun, I have this experience this morning. Everyone in the company has to sign up for this HR bullshit where we learn our “brand promise” and how to make our customers the happiest people in the world. Ok, I’m a writer. I sit in my cube and type on my keyboard, and then I email what I write to someone else. That’s the extent of my contact with “the customer.” Nonetheless, I must attend one of these workshops. I go. There are assigned seats. They purposely put you next to people you don’t know. One of them is some bitch from HR. the other is some random guy. Every other table has 5 or 6 people..w.e have 3. That is… drumroll please…until our effing COO walks in and plonks down at my table. Great. I’m awkward around absolutely everyone. But people in power really really really make me nervous. Actually he’s not just at my talbe, but actually right next to me. Great.
Also, let me say that it was 8:30 on a Monday morning after one of the most tiring weekends of my life. But I know what kind of guy he is (powerful and knows it, cocky, arrogant and will make you pay for it if you don’t kiss his ass…sure you know the type) so I suck it up and actually smile at him. He smiles back and sits down. Then there’s some fluffy HR crap. Then we get to an ice breaker. And it involves role playing! Yay! My favorite. We have to introduce each other adn pretend we have a certain personality trait that’s written on our name tag. Goody. Mine says “energetic and enthusiastic” which by the way is the exact opposite of my actual personaltiy. I gave it my best shot. Then we had to guess what everyone was supposed to be. HR bitch looks confused and gueses that I was trying to be “shy and withdrawn” at which point I say “NO you fucking bitch, that’s my REAL personality” ha ha. Just kidding. I didn’t say the “no you fucking bitch” part. Then we get to hear how energetic and enthusiastic people make people feel warm and fuzzy and how we should all (me especially I’m sure) bury those parts of our personalities (like shyness and withdrawness) so as not to make our customers feel bad. Great start to my morning. To recap: I’m a horrible person with a shitty personality and I should just suddenly learn to get a new personality or perhaps find a job where I don’t have to pain people by actually interacting with them.
Then I have to look at pictures of my ugly self from the horrendous rafting trip, which though I enjoyed it a fair amoutn at the time, I have now created into a horrible experience in my mind. And I absolutely totally hate my hair. I’m a hideous creature. Oh, and I have so much work to do at work I feel like slitting my wrists. Wait, there was something else I was going to whine about but J started talking and I forgot it. Damn!
But thank god for small miracles - I had my writing group tonight. I still feel like the odd person out in that group (it’s inevitable) but i still love it and they always have lots of nice things to say about my writing, even if it isn’t very good. But they do always mention how I write about teh same young professional disgruntled girl. This time she had a horrible phobia of clowns.
Anyhoo…it’s possible I have pms. It’s also possible I am at a weird age in life somewhere between being young and being not so young. My new goal is to start hanging out with people my age or older than me, because it’s doing me no good to go younger. No more younger friends. No more younger crushes (especially of the 18 year old grocery store cashier variety). From now on, I will only lust after male coworkers who are over 40. Then I’ll feel young and sexy because after all, its’ all relative. Our VP of IT is pretty cute, ironically enough.
Yeah, so I bought 3 hair style magazines and I’m determined to chop this hideous crap off my head and get something easier, neater, and more professional and stop pretending that I am in a renaissance painting by Botticelli. Because I’m not.
Books: I got “French Women don’t get fat” and a vegetarian cookbook from bookmooch. Trying to finish Everyman so I can stop having existential nightmares (had one druing the rafting/camping trip and woke up screaming in the middle of the night). Well… so I’m going through a negative phase. Could it be because the days are getting shorter? Or is July too soon to start getting SAD? I think I need therapy.
