Days where you roll back every healthy habit you’ve adopted. You’ll have 5 cigarettes, you’ll have a diet coke, you’ll eat pumpkin raisin bread continuously through the whole day, you’ll skip yoga, you’ll get annoyed at coworkers and even be a little mean to them, you won’t even have the decency to feel guilty about that. You’ll hate yourself and call yourself a fat useless twat and then you’ll curse the stupid undercover police pulling people over on the highway, even though they didn’t pull you specfiically over.
And then you’ll admit that that is EXACTLY the kind of day you just had. And THEN you’ll stop talking about yoruself in the second person because it’s kind of annoying and will sit your martini, eat your beans, do your one hour of writing that night even if it’s the only damn productive thing you did all day!
I’m all funked out lately. I don’t know if I wrote about this last night or not, but writing is sort of having this profound effect on my psyche that is not always positive. I imagine this is what people in psychoanalysis feel like. I dredge up all this stuff and my psyche doesn’t know what to do with it. So I have nightmares. J interprets my nightmares to mean that “I’m afraid of the world.” Um, no. I don’t think that’s it, but thanks for the vote of confidence dear. I had a nightmare that someone was breaking into an apartment where a girl and guy were (maybe I was the girl, but it didn’t look like me). She was sleeping on the couch, and the intruders were going to take away somethign much more valuable than money or even life… what it was I’m not sure… maybe sight? consciousness? perception? I can’t think of the word I’m lookign for…you know, what the brain does…con… shit. comprehension?
J saw some robins on the way home. That’s the first sign of spring. I’ve already welcomed spring. As far as I”m concerned, it’s here. I don’t care how cold it is or what birds are chirping. I’m over and done with winter. IT’s a thing of the past and I don’t intend to think about it anymore.
I also had a dream I was taking the metro (subway) but I decided to go to the one at the mall becuase it was less intimidating. I think maybe it was supposed to be Pentagon City mall in VA. That has a metro stop. It wasn’t exactly right though. I’ve had a similar dream before, with trains, etc. and me traveling alone.
I was at my parents in law’s house and my mother in law said “we just bought this new northstar something or other” and I was like “is that a boat, or a boat accessory? It was a big white box, like a big cooler but sturdier and in the top was a hole with chain coming out of it. I couldn’t resist, so I pulled all the chain out of the hole. Then I had to put it all back and that was kind of a bitch.
Then I went inside to take a shower and I think J’s grandmother was there (who passed away last year) and on the door to the bathroom was an old antique blanket with holes in it. I shut the door on the blanket and took a shower.
Oh! And there was another part where I was in a car with my coworkers and I was driving and an old lady was crossing the road. She was very short and wearing fur. I stopped to let her cross and everyone said “oh, aren’t you nice?!” And then a car came up behind me and tried to run the little old lady over. And I called them an asshole.
in a regina spektor song that goes something like “I’ve spending time in late night establishments, telling strangers personal things.” I feel like perhaps I’ve been oversharing with certain people in my life lately. But… today was better. I felt pretty and confident. Heads were turned, the word “lovely” was even used…! So I feel like I’m back in the game a bit. And I ran…despite the fact that I ate a bunch of crap, drank way too many diet coke, and smoked way too many cigarettes.
I’ve been obsessing about being “old” lately. Which is ridiculous. I mean, it’s all relative. I guess there is a point in a women’s life though… in her mid 30s perhaps, where changes do happen. Changes we may not like. But the fact of the matter is… I was never a supermodel, so why should I be dwelling on this so much? But I might as well learn to deal with it as every day I’m getting older and older. 20 years from now, I’ll look back on today and think how young and wrinkle free I was. Bascially, it’s all about confidence. I love what’s her name… she’s in Mamma Mia as the sexy older lady. Yeah, I want to be her.
Today I also felt like even though I have no idea what the future has in store for me, or what I have in store for the future.. .at least I feel like I have it all under control. It will work out. Life has a way of giving you what you need…sometimes it feels deathly slow though. But the weather was nice, so that helped too. Tomorrow we have a departmental outing… sailing and some other stuff. Should be fun. For once, I work at a place where I don’t totally dread these damn outings. When you don’t like the people you work with, they can very awkward. Work has been stressful lately. But just because of work…not because of the people.
Going to visit my parents this weekend…hope to cheer them up a bit and help them out. Oh! I had another very strange dream last night…vivid…trippy. it had a bowling alley, me without a shirt on, lots of stairs, and a giant mechanical arm. And i totally overslept.
have been looking to the universe for signs lately.
J bought some krill oil capsules, which are like fish oil capsules, but better. I guess krill are some type of antarctic shrimp…high in Omega 3, dha, etc, etc. I take fish oil sometimes and it makes me dream like crazy. Well, krill oil seems to have the same effect. This is by far the weirdest dream I have had in a long time.
Me, my mom, my dad, and this girl from work, A (not sure how she ended up in my dream, though now that I think about it, she’s been in several dreams I’ve had…weird, let’s analyze that later) and maybe my sisters had gone on a trip of some sort and came back (perhaps from a train trip) and we went to find our car in a city-like place to go home. It wasn’t a super busy city, but just a street where there were some business buildings, parking meters, etc. We walk up to the car and notice that all of our purses are sitting on the roof of the car. Duh! How idiotic! WE left our purses on top of the car all day. (eyes rolling). Then I pull out my wallet and everything is there and I say to my dad “See, this is the great thing about living in Maine. Nobody even stole anything!” My dad walks into a building. Just then, a truck or armored car like vehicle pulls up and a scraggly middled-aged white lady winds down the window and says to me (I’m on the curb side of the car, so she has to say this over the car) “I don’t want to have to shoot you so give me the diamonds. Then I rememeber that there is a bag of uncut diamonds like in a ziplock type bag on top of the car too…a hole big honking bag of them. My first reaction is fuck it, I’m not going to die for diamonds, so I pick the bag up and am about the toss it to her and then I look at my mom and say “Is dad going to kill me if I do this?” and she shrugs as if to say “yes” without actually saying yes. I hold on to the bag, stalling, and I want my dad to come out to tell me what to do. Then I start thinking about it and decide I don’t want him to come out becuase I don’t want him to get shot. Meanwhile, I keep stalling and she waits patiently.
Then, a cop of some sort is standing beside me, but she doesnt’ see him. He has a giant metal arm that he is maneuvering over the armored vehicle, cutting a hole in the top of it. I keep stalling, hoping she odesn’t notice. At this point, I don’t think I can give up the diamonds. I’m sort of frozen. He keeps cutting and then lowers a claw like thing into the vehicle and it wraps around her hand where she’s holding the gun. Then it wraps around her neck and starts strangling her. I’m saved.
Weird, huh? The funny thing was that I felt like I hadn’t even gotten to sleep. I went to bed at 10 and then looked at the clock at 12 and thought, jeez, I’m never going to get to sleep. And then I realized that I had had that dream. Or else I had the dream later and just revised history. Who knows. Anyway, just took today’s dose of krill oil so I can’t wait to see what dreams I have tonight! Assuming I sleep, which is still a problem.
Tonight was jogging night. We’re doing 90 seconds jogging, 2 minutes walking. I’m in rough shape. We do this for 20 minutes and I’m a wheezing mess by the end (actually from the beginning). I know if I stopped smoking I could do better, but I’m not willing to give that up. Besides I only smoke about 5 a day. 8 at the most. That’s not very much, but definitely enough to feel it in my lungs.
Twas a beautiful day. Blue skies, hot, not too humid. Threat of the daily thundershower but none materialized. Our veggie garden is kicking ass. WE have corn!! I’ve never grown corn before so this is super exciting… purple silky fibers are starting to appear. Wow. And the tomatoes have lots of green tomatoes on the vines, and Oh!!! the squash!! I love squash like a baby loves her mama and there are oodles and oodles of squash on the vines. It took forever to flower, but when it did, it flowered like crazy. By the way, squash flowers are very very pretty. As are eggplant flowers. We have a fence, but I’m scared the deer will jump over it. The squash vines (actually everything in teh garden) have gotten HUGE this year. I think it’s all the cow manure we put on. Some of teh squash vines have escaped the fence and I’m afriad the deer will get a taste for it and then be motivated to jump inside. Oh well… I guess worrying about it won’t do any good.
At one point today I had this bad feeling. The feeling you get when you have a weird encounter with someone and feel guilty, or awkward, or ashamed, or bad about yourself. So I went to review the situation in my head so I could make snese of it, and I couldn’t even figure out what the situation was. In other words, I felt bad for no reason. How stupid! And yet knowing nothing happened didn’t help. I could not talk myself into feeling better. It was strange. So then I thought maybe it was something I ate. ? I don’t know.. maybe I’m just kooky.
Having a martini and enjoying the night. There’s really no point worrying about decisions you may never have to make. Tomorrow may come and I will have to make decisions I didn’t see coming, and other options will never materialize, nulling those decisions entirely. I guess I’ll see what life has to offer me (while doing what I can to make sure I get what I want as best I can.)
I am totally swamped at work. Have juicy meaty projects that I’m totally overwhelmed with, but I have decided that I want to win an award. J says that’s a bad goal because I have no control over it. But screw it. I wanna award! So that is my goal.
Still loving A Wild Sheep Chase. Read it! He is wonderful! Next on my list is “When god was a woman” by Merlin Stone. : ) Yes… feeling a touch manic.
I’m feelin’ it. Along with some other negative emotions. I so want to be the person in the crowd who is never bothered by anything. You know the one… you forget their birthday and they don’t seem to notice. A month later you realize it and they shrug and say “no worries” and they really don’t look worried about. If I could buy that, along with a helping of self control, I’d pay big bucks for it. There’s a market for it! I have at least downgraded from all out angry outbursts to silent seething disgust, which I do think is progress. On an upnote, I have a new crush and he can do no wrong becuase he’s dreamy. : ) AND he talked to me today. He said “oh, looks like rain,” to which I replied “grunt” and shuffled off for a walk in the impending rain.
Same old stuff going on, so not much point detailing all over again. Time for ONE (single) glass of wine and then down to bidness. Though a nap would really be ideal. Oh! Had a horrible nightmare last night:
Woke up in the morning…over slept, it was 10 am on a work day. I’m in the house I kinda sorta “grew up” in in Virginia. It’s the house I always dream about. Shuffle downstairs and notice the door is not quite closed. I must have stumbled in drunk teh night before and not shut it all the way (so I thought). I’m home alone so then I start freaking out..maybe there’s an intruder in there? So I go back upstairs and grab my cell phone, go to my bedroom and lock the door. Hear the door slam and peek out through closed blinds. A black (ish) guy and white woman walk out, just strolling out, laughing and talking shit about me. I’m scared and change my underwear (?) into something sexier…lacy purple things… then i decide I should call my boss to tell him I’m going to be late. There was also a part where I was somewhere else and smoking a cigarette because I forgot that I had quit. Halfway through it I remembered and was like “shit! oh well…” oh and I was meeting with a group and we were supposed to be creating a book…like literally. and someone had put together a beautiful beaded cover.
So, I can explain this one. The night before I thought I heard a woman screaming (sigh… it must be a bird down at the pond, right? Just agree wtih me, right of course it is dear, there’s no one being raped and murdered in your woods by rednecks, that’s totally ridiculous). And then I wondered if I had locked the back door. I use it when I’m out gardening and it goes down to the basement, so sometimes I forget to lock it (not that that’s a big deal). Then I start to worry and realize that I don’t even have a phone upstairs so if someone runs in with a gun, we’re screwed. So obviously my dream was telling me, lock the damn door and get a phoen for the bedroom.
Then the second part, well obviously I really want a smoke. Then something about my writing group.
Had sort of a crappy day at work. It wasn’t so bad, but I got that feeling a few times…you know that high blood pressure feeling where you want to rip somebody’s head off? Ever get that? But I took a deep breath, resorted to short sentences and turning my head, and then just blocked people out. I don’t even have pms, which leads me to believe that people are just irritating. But what can you do? I’m in a bit of a spot because I’ve told people over and over again how NOT to irritate me but they don’t seem to be paying attention, so that’s it. I just can’t let it bother me. Part of what bothers me is that I think maybe I’m not that good at my job. I know I’m good at parts of it, but I’m not great at everything (who is, right?) so that bothers me too. But all I can do is to do the best I can do and let the rest roll off my back.
But I’m not at work anymore so fuck that. I wanted to talk about girlfriends I love love love. I mentioned my friend J last night. I haven’t seen her or even talked to her since Xmas. She has 2 young kids so is obviously pretty busy. I kept thinking about her lately but never called. Then I went down to VA a few weeks ago and didn’t see her just because I didn’t have time. But she called last night and we always have a good time talking. I feel like I have aquaintainces but no real friends, but when I talk to her I do legitimately feel like she is a friend. We laugh a lot and tell the truth and just kind of enjoy our conversations. We talk about football and kids and husbands and times gone by when we were young and all the people we used to know. I also tried to talk her into coming to visit me. Her husband travels all the time so I think it would be nice for her. I haven’t told J yet because I’m not sure he’d be too thrilled to have 2 young kids stay with us…
Then my sister-in-law J is also in town and she’s really funny. She can get on my nerves but when she decides to be nice, I liker her a lot. Her and her boyfriend came over last night and we talked a lot, so I got lots of talking in (for me). Tonight I’m supposed to go up and get my birthday present from her since she’s staying at my mother in law’s house. There is some family drama going on. Her brother (and J’s) got divorced and nobody really knows the story (I assume his wife found a better gig) but now my mother in law, who was always hard on the wife, is her best friend. And my 17 year old niece is dating a 19 year old navy guy and going off to college in OK (where he is based) and everyone seems ok with that. I mean, I was young once and all and we’ll do what we want to do… but I just feel like my dad would’ve given me a much harder time. But then i think maybe it’s just one of those things where people (me) are threatened by a new person coming into the group (the boyfriend) but that’s silly because I never even hang out with the family.
In that vein though, some people are very territorial. I guess I am too. Is it female thing? My friend D is like that. She doesn’t want to give up control, or information.. she’s reluctantly accepted me and A into the group but there’s another girl (who I admit can be a bit annoying) who she just wont’ allow in. I feel bad because god knows I’ve been that girl. But I have a bad bad habit in my life of acting just like other annoying girls when I have friends, and then cursing them when I’m the one on the outs. It’s a conundrum. But I was pissed off at everyone today so I can’t say I was part of any group dynamic at all. Sometimes I’m ok with that.
Well, I’ve pigged out on crackers full of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oil and tons of calories. WE were going to go to the gym but I left my workout clothes at work. I remembered as soon as I walked out, but since I left without saying goodbye to anyone (rather rudely) I didn’t want to go back. Then I didn’t even go for a walk when I got home. Oh well.
I’ve been fantasizing about my garden at night instead of about cute boys, so you know summer has finally reached Maine. I still notice the cute boys and they seem cuter than ever, but I can’t be bothered with that. Not when there is weeding and mulching and planting to plan.
I finally remembered my dream from teh other night. i went to a movie theater - I think with my coworker A. It was in Maryland at a place called White Flint Mall, which is a real place, but not really the place in my dreams. We walk in and it turns otu that they have to bus us to antoher theater. I sort of lose interest in being with A and just get on the bus by myself wondering where we are going. It seems a little effed up. Then I realize they are just taking us across the parking lot to another part of the mall, which is newer with tons of restaurants and every imaginable thing. Then I’m in my old car - my old green hyundai accent that I called “the green bullet” loved that car. Then since I’m in my car, I don’t want to go to the movie anymore. Then (graphic details coming up - fair warning!) I got really horny and decide to masterbate in my car. tee hee.
On that note, I’m off to get my birthday present, stomach cramps and all.
OH, forget to mention that I had a dream about my eagle last night.
I was outside and looked up at the sky and said/thought “It’s my eagle” and it flew right at me and at first I was scared but I stood my ground and it flew right overhead and she was beautiful! But smaller than I thought she would be.
by oh so many things today. Mainly work. I love the people I work with but there is absolutely no collaboration, communication, or coordination. We all just do our own things, very well, separately, which becomes extremely frustrating. The morale is sinking and just like in my family, I’m caught in the middle with everyone complaining to me and me yelling at everyone (hot headed redhead that I am). I’ve blown up more times in the last 2 weeks than in the previous year, mostly at people I really like and respect (but drive me nuts). The problem with working with creative people is that there are way too many egos and nobody will budge. I don’t know why I let it bother me though since I’m (unfortunately) peripherally invovled in just about everything. It’s so frustrating because I feel like things shoudl be done collaboratively and I would like to think about things strategically but instead everyone just wants to tell me exactly what to do and make me string 3 or 4 words together cohesively. I like to think I could contribute more but (hey what’s that I hear? ego! ego!). So I judge myself as much as anyone.
I’ve exercised for about 4 or 5 days straight and I am losing weight. I’m eating ok, trying to fit in lots of fruits and veggies but doing much better on the weekends than the weekdays. Today I hit starbucks and got a capuccino and those lovely lovely chocolate covered graham crackers. Heaven on earth. Finishing off my south african shiraz tonight. It’s ok, but I still like my Ravenswood the best and the Bogle petite syrah is #2. Funny how #2 will never sound so good… with those potty connotations. Funny how nobody thinks of #1 that way.
I thought my car was on the fritz but I guess it is ok. Neverless I’ve decided to buy a mini. I’m pretty much at the point in my life where I’ve decided that I’m going to be a selfish bitch the rest of my life and only think about myself..so I might as well get started! I took money out of my “emergency savings” to pay off my subaru, so I need to get that back up, but come August, I’m adding a sexy red mini to my car collection (gotta keep the subaru though for winter driving, hauling mulch, and transporting kayaks). After my freelance check clears, I get my bonus at work, adn get my govt. rebate check, I’ll have enough saved for my kayak and all the gear, plus a littel bit for a downpayment on a mini. I’ll buy a used one of course. And then I’m going to AFrica…. : ) I also need to plan a trip to VA to see my sisters, my nephew, etc. and maybe get my hair done. Can’t plead poverty as an excuse as I’ve already told them about Africa, kayaks, and minis.
Going to CA for a conference in early May. The plane ride will be a bit of a bitch, but I sort of like traveling alone. I say that until a week before when I won’t want to go. : ) But my boss told me to go, so go I will. And with my new “no fear” attitude, I’m determined to go, be brave, and even get out in the California sun and do something! Maybe I will do one of my “artist dates” there. Speaking of which, I need to cathc up to where J is in “the artists’ way” so I guess I will do that. I’ve been doing my morning pages. Usually halfway through, I remember a dream. Last night I dreamt that my ex boyfriend from high school sent me imprints of his feet and x-rays. ????? ha ha. analyze that one. The night before I dreamt about a piece of periwinkle colored glass or crystal. No cigarrettes today (didnt’ have my car where I keep my stash) but lots and lots of caffeine, so I suppose I won’t sleep at all tonight. And as Lucinda says:
Sometimes I don’t know right from wrong
I find it easy to fall
It’s hard when I been up all night long
That’s when I want you most of all
Down in the winter doldrums. I’m just tired of winter. It’s boring! I want to be outside gardening and kayaking or just sitting on the porch reading a book. I’m tired of being cold and I’m tired of seeing snow. And it’s only January 21. I refuse to look for the light at the end of the tunnel until May 1, which leaves…. 14 or so weeks. Well, I guess that’s not that bad. Next year, remind me to plan for a vacation somewhere warm right about this time.
Well, I still need to catch up on my reading and get a good chunk of writing under my belt before the weather changes, so I just need to take advantage of it. It’s just that I get holed up in the house and get restless and moody and then don’t feel like doing anything at all.
Writing this book has been an interesting experiment though. I still have absolutely no idea what I’m doing or where I’m going with it, but that’s ok. When I write things at work, I put anything at all on paper – just get my ideas out. Then I shift stuff around willy nilly and rewrite it until it sounds good. I rarely make an outline at all. So, it makes sense that I would use the same style on a longer fiction piece. Of course it seems more overwhelming that way, but this is my first effort so I really have no choice but to grope along until it works. The way I see it happening is just writing the plot down as I think of it. Too much comes to me as I’m writing that an outline just doesn’t work. Then at some point, either at the end, or sooner, I’ll print it out and decide what needs to be added (a lot), what needs to be taken out, and what needs to get better. It’s a big project, and sometimes I wonder why I bother, but it’s something I want to do, so I guess that’s reason enough, huh?
I updated my work portfolio and realized I’ve done some really cool things in the last year. I’m glad I’m staying here as it gives me more time under my belt doing what I’m doing, which I may not do forever. Work can be frustrating as hell sometimes, but essentially it’s a good job. Without female hormones coursing through my body, I bet it wouldn’t be bad at all. : )
Feeling sort of weird and morbid, which is how I remember feeling 2 years ago at this time of year. Weepy for no reason and restless and just thinking morbid thoughts. Having tons of dreams and apparently making a lot of noises in my sleep. I have been taking some supplements lately so I wonder if that’s part of the problem. Found some 5-htp in my cupboard which is supposed to make you happy but I thought I’d lay off of that and see if it helped. I’m also taking rhodiola (supposed to be good for lots of things) and coq10 (ditto) and vitamin d. Guess I’ll rotate them around until the nightmares stop. Last night I was in Alcatraz and my dog was about to die from being scared of another dog. And I was screaming and screaming but I couldn’t scream loud enough to make anyone hear me. Also had a dream that I was on a seedy street in Las Vegas , and one where I was acting in a sitcom and really liked it.
Ordered the book for my writing course. I’m excited about it but a little wary. I hope I like the people. I would love to find a group of people I like who I could write with and share my stuff with. It’s so hard to share personal things that I write. I wrote a song and my piano teacher wants to hear the words, which I will let her, but it’s going to be embarrassing as hell as it’s about my first boyfriend. I’ve worked on the chords a bit and I really like it. It’s probably a bit juvenile and simple but I don’t care. I wrote it from the heart. I used to be totally amazed at how anyone could write a song and now I’ve gone and done it. : ) It’s a good feeling.
Busy as hell at work. Have 5 articles to write today in 3.5 hours. Guess I better get to work.
Last night I dreamt that me and J were squatting at the house of a guy I used to work with. Then it occurred to me that they might come home early and I freaked out and told J that we had to get out of there. We had shit everywhere…piles and piles of shit that we threw into giant trashbags, like clothes and stuff. The place was a total disaster. Then I think I saw them (him and his wife) pulling into the driveway and I realized that I had used his laptop and I wanted to clear the history but J said we didn’t have time and slammed it closed. I was freaked out that he’d know it was me, but in the end I let it go.
The sort of weird thing (or else I’m just totally reading too much into things) is that another person I know, who I’ve had some weird things happen with lately - I just found out this morning that they were house sitting. Yeah, I guess I’m reaching on that one.
Twas J’s birthday, which meant 2 hours of all in-laws, all the time. But it was a good excuse to eat cheese and crackers, drink cocktails, and eat ice cream cake. So it wasn’t all bad. December seems to be going by at a snail’s pace, which seems weird. But in a week and a half we’ll be making the 600 mile trek down to virginia. The first time we’ve driven down there since we moved. I guess it will kind of suck. But I don’t feel like flying.
Me and my friend at work ordered the New York City Ballet workout DVD. It came with 2 so we each took one home, though I don’t think I’ll do it tonight. I had such a productive night last night, which fate has deemed not to repeat. Damn this boring. Sorry folks, I got nothing! I could tell you what I had for lunch?
