Thanks for the fish

running. I know I shouldn’t. even worse, I shouldn’t have talked J out of it. But I’m in that pms-y achy thing right now… I guess I could’ve given it a try but don’ tfeel like it would have been very successful. So we’ll try again tomorrow. Piano was canceled too (! After all that practicing of Your Cheatin’ Heart), so I just went grocery shopping and then home. Now I’m drinking some nice red wine and kicking back. My whole body just kind of hurts. And I’m having hot flashes. And cold flashes.And random body pains.

But now that I decided not to run, I do feel oodles better. A littlel more energetic, a little happier. : ) My plan of attack for tonight, etc.: Work on my short story, which will win an award, and I’ll base my novel on, sell it for lots of money, and buy my mini. Success is simply a plan that you follow through on. And that is my plan.

Ok… (stalling time lapse)… guess I will go do it now. : )

vay… So I’m trying to practice “the secret” which is basically just positive thinking, but I’m not doing very good. I did ok all day… mostly just tried not to think negative thoughts, and tried even harder not to actually say anything negative. That meant I didn’t talk a lot. And still a few negative things popped out.

Then, after work, instead of going to the gym like I wanted to, we embarked on the Saga of the Pellet Stove. Like everyone else in this god forsaken state, we are in full tilt panic mode re: how we are going to survive the winter without freezing our effing asses off. Here’s the simple equation: $5 a gallon oil + 1000plus gallons needed for the winter = $5000, which in turn = L & J being stone cold broke and living on the streets. We have an oil furnace/water heater and a propane fireplace in teh living room. Folks - here are 2 tips if you’re building a house in new england and just happen to be as stupid as me. 1) Build a 2 flue chimney. 2) Don’t heat your damn house with oil.

So, we talked to a very tired and exhausted pellet stove salesman, who is selling more pellet stoves than he can stock. He gave us some useful information - namely that it is most likely a viable option for us….if we can actually find pellets to buy, and if he can keep enough of them in stock (there is currently a 12 week waiting list. Ok, let me remind you - it’s effing JULY. I feel like I’m a pioneer woman living on the frontier. This is america! Should I really have to deal with this crap. What is my government doing about this. Oh yes, I finally got my stimulus check in the mail. Thanks Dubwa. I will stimulate the economy to buying pellets IF I can get them so I don’t get fucked up the ass by oil companies this year. And I am one fo the lucky ones because hopefully I will actually be able to afford it. It’s just damn depressing. Nobody cares. Whaa!

Ok, so obviously my positivity experiment was dangerous and unsuccessful. Bottle it up all day and this is what happens. But this was my controlled venting session and now I will resume positivity. Thanks for listening.

I am offically addicted to both O’Doul’s and sobriety. Yes, those are pigs you see flying by. Hi piggie!

brat. That is my new goal. I know some brats personally, and it’s not an attractive trait. And yet, as a youngest child, I’ve got a biiiiiggg dose of brat in me too. So, I’ve been making an effort to not let that side of me come out. In the past, I’ve rationalized it by saying that i’m a “hotheaded redhead” and that my temper was an endearing quality… but yeah… not so much.

Rainy day today, so my plants are still not planted. Yesterday was absolutely gorgeous.. .perfect! We went kayaking literally all day. I slept in, then we got out there by noon. Put in at a new place that’s closer to the bay. Then just tootled around for awhile and then headed for the little island (rock) that we went to last time. It was one of those things where we kept paddling and paddling and paddling (for 2 hours) and the island just didn’t seem to be getting any closer. Then we got to it and I realized that wasn’t the right island at all. Of course J was like “yeah, I know, it’s that island over there” and pointed to an island even FURTHER away. So we kept paddling and finally got there. Thank god nobody was already on it or my inner brat would’ve really come out. Then we spent 2 and a half hours laying on rocks in the sun, reading, writing my book in my head, and looking for sea glass. Then we paddled back and since it was low tide, we had to crawl out in the mud and lug the boats back up the slope.

I love kayaking.. .it’s so meditative. It’s tiring, for sure, but when J’s way ahead of me and I’m just paddling away or drifting and looking at the sun reflecting on the water…it’s just so relaxing. I’d liek to get a smaller digital camera so I can take some pictures out there. Oh, and there were lots of birds…eagles, osprey, seagulls (everyone acts like they dont’ count..they’re like the weeds of the sky.. but I think they’re lovely).

Today I dug out some paint that my sister gave me about 15 years ago. There were some oil paints and oil pastels. I also dug out a book I have about painting, since I don’t know how. But I’m feeling the painterly urge. So I painted a picture of my cat G, our fluffly little black guy… it looks like a kindergartener did it. : ) But whatever.. I’d like to sign up for a painting class but cant’ find one near me. So I’ll keep fiddling around.

What else? Drinking: It’s been 8 days dry and I keep waiting for the day when I don’t think to myself “boy a cocktail (glass of wine, beer, etc.) woudl be nice right now.” So I’m glad I made my goal 30 days, so I can see if that makes a difference. I mean, it’s not like I’m going into DTs or anything or feeling massive urges.. I just sort of feel like it would make my day slightly better.

Working on my book a bit. Downloaded a demo of Final Draft - a software program mostly for screenwriting, but you cna use it for other things too. I don’t really see much of use, but i’m playing around with it. Also got some index cards out to see if I can make a story last all the way through to the end… I’m great at beginnings, but get a bit lost from there…

Work absolutely sucks in every way. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it! Does that sound bratty? I don’t wanna go…I don’t WANNA!

my head hurts from way too much exertion. I’ve almost memorized the whole Jessica’s theme song. It’s a tough one and I’m about 3 measures away. I still have to look at the music sometimes to peak, but I’m very very close. It feels good becuase it’s been a real challenge and I’m almost there! I’m not even going to worry about the Enya song for now because that’s easy by comparison and if I have to I could even drop that one. But I don’t think I’ll have to. I’ve got a long weekend and another 2 weeks after that so I think I’m golden.

My sister helped me come up with a great idea for a book. It needs a little fleshing out but it has the potential to be really funny. And hey, if I’m only spending a month on it, I can take the risk. No pressure, right? The plan is to start June 1 and obviously be done by June 30 with the first draft. I see it as something sort of Carl Hiaasen-ish. Funny, irreverent, a bit kitchy, but with a little bit of a message (yet to be determined).

Had a cocktail tonight but J had a Woodchuck cider and it’s Friday night, so I thought it would be ok. Need to get back into the swing of things eventually anyway. Wedding reception tomorrow and I’ll have to drink something. My new rule is 2 drinks when I go out, 1 at home but not every night. It hasn’t been too hard cutting back so far and I’m kicking ass on the no smoking. Don’t even miss it.

I have been very very tired though. But I picked J up from work and we went to the gym and did the elliptical machine. I felt no worse afterward, maybe even a little better. I’ve been eating a lot though. I’m very hungry and quite a bit bored. Very unmotivated. I literally did absolutely no work at work today. None. How I could be there for 8 hours and no do anything is pretty amazing, yet true.

I’m wearing my contacts again. My optomotrist says I’m all healed up but have to stay on the Patanol indefinitely, which seems weird. I’m happy to not look like ugly betty anymore, but my eyes are still bothering me a bit, though I suppose seasonal allergies could be playing a role too. Everything looks really pretty but I feel like it’s all happening so fast and I’ve been so busy that I’ve barely been able to enjoy the spring. It’s been raining off and on for the last few days,w hich is good becasue we need some rain. Hopefully tomorrow will be nice so I can start pulling up some major clover.

Well, I guess that’s all. I feel pretty positive right now. Self esteem is slowly returning. feel good about my book and my piano recital and I’m really looking forward to a long weekend. I hope with some rest, etc. I can go back to work on Tuesday refreshed and ready to get some stuff accomplished and crossed off my list, while being brilliant too.

My parents got me a $50 gift card from Target for my birthday. My oldest sister got me a $50 banana republic gift card that I’ve already spent about $35 or so on. I think I might buy some exercise equipment at Target. I bought these Reebok adjustable dumbells that go up to 12.5 pounds. For my back exercises I think I need a bit heavier though, so I think I’ll see if they have heavier ones. J is pushing for that too so he can use them also. : ) I would buy some exercise dvds but our room is just not set up right to exercise so that always deters me. I have to move too many chairs and stuff and it seems like too much trouble most of the time. But this week I went for a 1 mile walk at lunch, so I got 3 days in and hope to keep improving. I can’t say I feel any better yet, but I think eventually my lungs will recover, my liver will rejoice, and my muscles will do something else that starts with r and has 2 or 3 syllables… re… re… i dunno.

So the only present I await is from my sister S. And maybe the people at work will get me something…who knows. Birthdays are fun, but I seem to never have any presents left for my actual birthday. Soon the birthday season will be over.. just one more - Father’s day and I can relax again until October (mom’s birthday).

with no drinking, 6 days without smoking. Tonight I’m just plain bored and I realize that I need to find something to fill the time when I’m not drunk. Mostly I’ve been doing that by sleeping and eating, but I realize that’s probably not a good long term solution. I don’t feel like doing anything productive though. So, the things I should do that I don’t feel like doing:

Go out in the rain and yank up some clover
Get some exercise
Practice piano
Write something brilliant
Read a book
Clean something
Find something to wear to wedding reception on saturday
Find something to wear to work tomorrow

Yeah, still none of that sounds very appealing. I guess I will go do the last 2 items and then find a book to read and hopefully by then it will be 9 and I can go to bed. J is singing the praises of Lindsay Lohan right now. : ) He’s so funny.

If it was a good idea to give up drinking and smoking at the same time. I was sitting at my desk today and I realized I could feel my pulse in my neck tick tocking away and it seemed a bit fast. Now I’m a pretty mellow person and I usually have a very low pulse, low blood pressure, etc. So I took my pulse and it was 80, which seems really high for me. Then I noticed that I felt a bit light headed. Then add to that the fact that I’ve had major intestinal issues for the last two days, and wait, I’m getting a headache! And a sore throat. And my muscles hurt (ok, that’s from kayaking). So I guess any of these could be caused by diet coke, or else they could be withdrawal symptoms of either nicotine or alcohol. I don’t care though, I’m persevering.
Oh, I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I got a standing work station installed at work. I work in a cubicle and before I just had the standard set up, but at my company they offer standing stations where you can stand as well as sit. It’s pretty cool. The desk is really high and there is a stool so you can sit too. I think it’s actually more comfortable for sitting than my other one because I’m tall and it was hard to fit my legs under the desk otherwise. The problem is that I don’t really stand very often. I clocked it today and it was about 30 minutes for the whole day. But it’s nice to have the option. And if I hadn’t been so lightheaded, I would’ve tried it for longer. My goal is to get to at least 10 minutes of standing every hour. Really, they recommend you stand half the time. I find I can be pretty productive when I stand.
I actually got invited to a white water rafting trip by one of the coworkers I really made an ass in front of last week. I’m shocked anyone is still talking to me, much less asking me to do stuff. But that’s cool. I hope to be able to redeem myself. First, I need to get my self esteem out of the gutter. I just walk the hallways in shame and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I don’t think that’s helping anything.
Off to my writing group. Maybe they can help me write my “book in a month”!

in our kayaks. Let me tell you, kayaking is not for the faint of heart. I’m bushed! First, those things are heavy and you have to load them onto the car, take them down, get all your gear ready, then go out. It was really fun, but it got really windy and wavy and I was a little scared. Then I got really tired and grumpy. J is out cleaning everything off now, bless his heart.

Well, Thursday night I had a company dinner..whole company…about 400 people, so I thought it would be a fantastic idea to get shitfaced in front of everyone and act really obnoxious. : ( So I’ve been dwelling on that since and blushing about 5 times a day in shame. sigh… well, I obviously regret it and wish it hadn’t happened, but what can I do now? Nothing. Hold my head high, lay low, and hopefully people will forget. If not, I guess I could find a new job, but I can’t keep finding new jobs because I get drunk and embarrass myself. Will this be the time I learn my lesson? Perhaps. Damn damn dman dman damn. My self esteem is suffering and I’ve realized that I’m ungrateful and a total brat.

So, having figured these things out, what shall I do? I don’t know. But I bought a book at Borders yesterday called “Write a book in a month” or something like that. Yes, I said I would stop buying these dumb writing books, but this one looked pretty good and I need some motivation. Hey, if I have to quit my job (or get fired for that matter), that could be a great opportunity to write my book. So I will work on that tonight, but first a shower, than I need to work on my recital songs since the recital is 2 weeks away and I don’t even have the damn songs memorized yet. I think I have my writing group tomorrow too…

 This pretty much sums it up:

It’s good to go out and do things because it really makes me appreciate being married – so I don’t have to hang out with girls very often! God, if that’s what it’s like to be single, let me never wish that on myself again. Not that it was all bad. There were fun moments. I got pretty sh*tfaced and am fairly certain I had fun, though I can’t say I entirely remember it. Most of the night I spent stumbling around the Boston streets trying to find somewhere to buy cigarettes. But there was some good food, good wine, good mojitos, good martinis, and a salsa dancing lesson. Then I even tried it out (dancing, that is) with some random Latin guy. I gave up halfway through the song though. I suck! Ha ha.
The weekend was actually a total nightmare, starting with me locking my keys in the car in Portland on Saturday morning. Then a lot of awkward silences with people I don’t know. Lots of mommy conversations about kids, along with the crap about weight, neither of which I really could contribute to, so I didn’t even try. I really hate women sometimes. Not to mention that I blew hundreds of dollars. Grrr… The worst part is that this was just weekend 1 of a very busy spring and I’m exhausted already.