Thanks for the fish

worthwhile to blog about tonight? I do not know. Ok, so rambling it is.

Went to my eye doctor and he said it wasn’t as bad as last year. I need to put these patanol drops in my eyes twice a day and within a month I should (key word) be able to wear cotnacts again, at least a few times a week. I’ll take it at this point. My doctor’s really nice and sweet but every time I go there I wait an hour and that just drives me nuts. My only consolation was that I was not at work. Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up my meds and that took about 40 minutes.sigh…

I’m overwhelmed at work and moody. On top of the quitting smoking, this weight watchers thing makes me super grumpy. I can not be hungry gracefully, and hungry I am. Buuuttt… I already lost 2 pounds! In a day! If I could just keep up that pace, I’ be at my goal weight within weeks. sweet! But if I could get philosolphical about it all (what? me?), it’s an interesting experience being hungry all the time. It puts it all in perspective. I don’t have the energy to try to be someone I’m not. And I don’t really care. Even the cute boys don’t phase me when I’m starving. I say “oh look…cute boy.” and then I have to shut down to conserve energy. No more fantasies for me, unless they involve a boston creme pie and a giant vat of mashed potatoes. too bad I don’t have the food network anymore. I could totally go for that right now.

But really, I’ve realized how little food the human body really needs. In fact, I still have 4 points left, even after dinner and a cocktail. Plus, I plan to exercise. I think it will be good, though I feel like I’m neglecting my writing. As you cna see from this, I just haven’t been in the mood. So my plan is to read a lot and read some writing books too. You can always learn something new. I wrote one kind of good thing at work today. Otherwise I’m kind of stuck. Overwhelmed. It’s like my whole body and mind has just slowed down. I feel mono-like tired again today. Oh well… complain complain.

I’m off to play piano, do some jumping jacks, and finally finish up “a short history of myth,” which isn’t as good as I was expecting. But the good news is I can then start my next book, which I think will be a Kurt Vonnegut.

It’s cooooolllllld out there! I know it’s mid November, but this seems excessive. I got my parka out, along with my hat and gloves.According to my LL Bean weather station, it is currently 23.2 degrees outside. Nothing much going on here, so I’ll just recap my day:

Thursday night I got about an hour of sleep, so I had some catching up to do. So last night I got my bed preheating early and got in before 9. Then I slept gloriously until after 10 am this morning. I heard J get up at 6:30 and promptly fell back asleep, practically guilt free (but not entirely). One thing I’ve realized about msyelf lately is that I really don’t like conflict and I have an enormous amount of guilt. I’m working on that.

Then I had breakfast (an apple) followed immediately be lunch (it was 11 by then), which was leftover squash soup with a piece of bacon. I noticed a few of the small buttercup squashes were starting to rot. : ( Bummer… I hate to see good food go to waste. Especially good food that i put my blood, sweat, and tears into. Well, it least my sweat anyway.

Then we went to Sears to get some snow tires for the Scoobaru. Never had them before, but I’ve been sockign money into savings since I’ve gone all frugal.I got the Micheline X-Ice, which consumer report says are the best and evey guy at Sears has apparently bought for their wife (did they all get teh same script?) and their wives say the car drives like a tank. Sounds good. I haven’t had any big problems with the scooby…it’s spun out on me a few times, but it’s all wheel drive and has handled fairly well. Most of the problem for me is visibility and not knowing where the damn road is when it’s covered in snow. But I thought… why not invest a littel in my safety and peace of mind this winter? We’re carpooling a lot anyway so I can make J drive…and then we’ll both be safe. He’s been sweeter lately and a little more chivalrous, which is weird. He went into Sears adn took care of everything even though it’s my car. That’s very unusual, but I hate doing car stuff, so I really appreciated that.

Then we went to TJ Maxx just to look around. I just got paid yesterday and have $158 to last me for the next 2 weeks. It’s my own fault though because I put $715 in savings and then I bought a Diane Von Furstenberg dress for my Xmas party. It’s blue and a wrap dress and J says it’s very “70s.” I think he meant that as a bad thing, but I think it’s awesome. Here’s a link. And it was on sale. And I paid off all my credit card bills and darnit, if a girl can’t buy a sexy damn dress eveyr now and then, then this life is just not worth living! (too dramatic? I was channeling Scarlet O’Hara there)… http://www.dvf.com/dvf/browse/productDetailWithPicker.jsp?productId=D7098001G8&categoryId=cat60004 (in the blue trellis pattern)
Ooh la la, right?

Anyway, so I looked around TJ Maxx and realized why I don’t go window shopping more often…because then I realize all the things I could use. They have really nice stuff there and please dont’ judge me for saying so. It’s true! Stuff from all over the world, like for instance, German nutcrackers. nice! I could totally use one of those Adn then I looked for appropriate presents for my 2 year old nephew. I don’t know what the hell kids like, but I had fun looking. And then I remembered that I wanted to buy him a Redskins outfit. I also looked for things for my in-laws. But I’ve gotten my own family free books from bookmooch.com and some photographs, so I don’t want to spend more on the in-laws. Then we looked at bath and body works and I put on some lotion called “sensual” something to see if it turned J on. He did unzip my pants as we were making dinner, but still no action. : (

Anyway… then we went to Borders, where I ran into A, who is the girlfriend of F, who is one of J’s good friends. For a short time, I used to go to the gym wiht her and I like her. She invited us out/over tonight but F is working late, so now we are trying to stay up long enough to have a social life. Shouldn’t be so hard when you sleep till 10, but hey, I need a lot of sleep. I didn’t buy anything at Borders (of course, because I have a will of steel), but J bought Joseph Campbell’s “Primitive Mythology” that I already have, but whatever. I try to encourage him to like all the things that I love, and he’s come around to many of them…buddhism and Joseph Campbell being the major ones. In fact, he professes on a daily basis “Joseph campbell is a genius!” and I jsut say “yes, I know.”

Then…the gym. I’ve worked out 3 times this week, but twice on teh stair machine for 30 minutes. Hadn’t gotten a good run in so I thought I was due. It sucked though and was super boring. I did 20 minutes of very slow jogging, watching every second pass by, then walked a bit and managed to eak out 7 more minutes of jogging. Finally threw in the towell. I’ve lost no weight (in fact, I think I’ve gained some) since this “hard core” (accroding to my standards) exercising began, but what I’m really concerned about is setting a pattern for teh future. Getting in the habit of working out. And for the most part I like it. We went in Brunswick today and that’s a smaller gym. In Portland, there’s much better people watching so the time goes by faster.

Then we went grocery shopping, made dinner, took care of the in-laws cat and now I”m trying to warm up by drinking my Constant Comment. I turned the thermostat up to 65 which is super hot for us, but it’s so cold out there… I need to splurge. We have enough food in our freezer to last a nuclear holocaust, providing the power doesn’t go out.

a day off in the middle of the week…especially a day by myself. Something about the weekends are too hectic. I know I have a lot to do, I know J has a list. I feel overwhelmed, then I feel guilty, then I rebel and nap all weekend, because damint, that’s what you’re supposed to do on the weekends! And then I let j do all the work around the house, then I complain that he doesn’t know how to relax (because I feel guilty). Wouldn’t the psyche be such a nicer place without guilt?

Anyway, so it’s Veterans’ Day and I got the day off from work and J didn’t. My plan, of course, was to sleep in late, get up, have breakfast, take a nap, tootle around, eat, take another nap…you get my drift. Yes, I am in fact the laziest person on the face of the earth. But unfortunately, home depot was set to deliver 4 tons of wood pellets sometime “in the morning.” So as I lay in bed around 6 am, I keep going over and over in my mind how fast I can jump out of bed, throw on some jeans, put on a bra and shirt, brush my teeth, put on shoes and socks once the doorbell rings. I have this thing where I hate to keep people waiting.So eventually I decided to just get out of bed and get halfway dressed, then go back to bed. But once I was up, I just got up… at 7 am. On a day off!

Then somehow I decided to organize the coat closet. I hung a hook (yay me!), though I did take me longer than it probably should have to figure out how to get a drill bit in a drill. But I eventually did, and hung up all my grocery bags on the hook. Then I organized all of our hats, scarves, and gloves neatly on the shelf. Then the shoes and the rest of the winter wear. : ) I keep walking over to the closet and admiring my work. I actually like organizing, it’s just one of those thigns that always gets pushed to the bottom of my priority list. I also have a hard time keeping up with my organizational systems after I set them up, so it sometimes seems like a pointless task. But it has to be done every now and then.

So then the pellet guy arrives. Super nice guy. J told me to tell him to stack them in the driveway, so let me do the math for you. 30 feet from that spot to the door to the basement, plus going down the stairs (or since we’re buying a building to put out back, the same 30 feet to the building X 200 forty pound bags of pellets = one bejesus of a backache for me and hubbie. But the house (and garden…and leech field…and trees) is configured in such a way to make it really hard to get a vehicle over to the spot in question by the back stairs. But mr. super nice guy walks over with me and asks me if I mind if he runs over my compost pile with his forklift (didn’t even realize he had a forklift till he said something). I said no and he stacked 4 pallets of pellets (sounds like a nursery rhyme doesn’t it) very neatly right by the back door. He got a good tip.

Very pleased with myself after the pellet incident, I continued organizing. I got my gym bag all together with a separate set of toiletries, makeup, etc. so I can start having a shower at the gym and saving on water/heat at the house. Found my flannel sheets and got those on the bed (thank god…it’s been hell getting into a cold bed lately). Then I ripped about 50 cds onto my computer so I can get rid of all the cds. And I practiced piano.

I also walked around my garden and really enjoyed it. It’s getting pretty chilly out there, but I love this time of year because the garden suddenly seems manageable. I just give up on it in the summer because it gets all overgrown and out of control and it just seems like I’ll never be able to tame it. But now everything’s dead. : ) Thank god for winter! Now I can actually envision some projects and see what I have to do. I want to build some brick edging between my garden and the “lawn” (mowed down weeds) so the weeds don’t creep into my periwinkle. I also want to plant some more patches of periwinkle so eventually J can stop mowing down weeds. There’s one big field where our leech field is, which will probably always be mowed weeds, but at least he can doing the sides and back. I’ve got this weird thing against mowing. I feel like it’s somethings no one should have to do. It just seems so pointless.

Anyway, I think I will actually take a well deserved nap now adn then I’m going to meet J at the gym. We’re exercising fools. He is actually jogging for 30 minutes straight. He’s fit and skinny, but he could never run before and didn’t think he could. Now he’s doing it, and I’m not too far behind him. I did 20 minutes of very slow jogging last time. It’s hard for me, but I like the challenge of it…even if the progress is deathly slow.

to be fat. For once, I was hell bent on getting to the gym and working up a good sweat. Normally I’ll look for pretty much any excuse not to go to the gym. J didn’t want to go, which would have been a great out normally, but I persisted. So we pull up and there’s a sign on the door saying the power was out due to thunderstorms. doh. But we did go for a walk/jog when we got home. The jog was more to get home before the thunderstorm, but hey, whatever works. I’m trying to tackle exercise as my next step to absolute human virtuousness and perfection (I’m tellin’ ya, I’m gonna run out of things soon, I’m so close!). On my 101 list, I have “work out 3 times a week for a month” so that’s the goal I’m working on, though I’d ideally like to be more active every single day.

Today, though, my main reason for wanting a vigorous workout was to burn off caffeine. I’m pretty wired. On a usual day I have as many 20 oz. diet cokes from the vending machine as I can afford on that particular day (using only $1 bills and coins) and now I’ve added an afternoon trip to dunkin donuts with my friend D for an iced coffe. I have to say, I feel pretty fabulous, so I’m starting to think that coffee is the answer. aaahhh-ahhh. I can’t blink though. bing!

Need to look up some wildflowers…hold on… hmm, maybe a twinflower? Something pretty and pink is flowering on the driveway…and something yellow that looks aster-ish…let’s see… maybe golden ragwort? My black eyed susan is blooming and the yarrow. Last weekend I rearranged the shade garden, dug everything up and replanted it all. Hopefully they’ll all adjust, the poor little darlings. Next is the bed directly beneath my office window. Overgrown lillies and irises, mountain laurels growing hte wrong way, holly that won’t behave. They’re all getting a good pruning (my rhodos too) and a lot of the stuff is going to find a new home. My callas are up too! They’re gorgeous and would make a superfantastic watercolor painting… I may venture out from cat paintings yet! (sorry boys). I know it seems so cliche to paint pictures of flowers, but gosh, who can resist?

Anyway… I’m working from home tomorrow.. and could not be happier about it. Sleeping in, don’t have to worry about taming my unruly hair, don’t have to worry about attempting (and not accomplishing) to find something that looks decent on me. I’m convinced I just have a weird body. I think I need to start dressing like Katherine Hepburn. If I could find the right style for my body, I’d just stick with it forever. But what I’m wearing now just isnt’ working.

J’s still on his religion kick. Do you want to know anything about Jesus? If so, just ask because I am officially an expert. Purely by osmosis. Of course, I don’t think most christians would agree with my answers, since we’re mostly listening to things based on history and archeology, not theology. It’s sort of surprising how many contradictory things there are in the bible. And the fact that that doesnt’ seem to bother anyone. I mean, I dont’ care one way or another about it and wouldnt’ try to argue with anyone’s faith, but from a purely practical point of view, I find it interesting that the religion has survived, thrived even, for this long based on a pretty flimsy story. I should probably shut up now, right? Yeah, ok.

Onto a safer topic…politics…ha ha! Just kidding. How about sports? I’ve decided to become a red sox fan since I got a free red sox T-shirt (that I’m wearing right now). And I can’t wait till football season. That’s all I got on sports.

Oh, I’ve also decided to become a bookworm (to compete with J…everything’s a competition) and read 10 books this summer. so I’ve got to finish the one I’m reading and move on. Speaking of competitions, we have our department summer outing coming up. They haven’t decided what to do yet, but they mentioned an archery class and a skeet shooting class, both of which I am very very keen on. I did skeet shooting one summer when I was 18 in Minnesota. It was at a picnic or something and all the boys/men went one way and all the girls/women stayed to tend the food. Me and my sisters looked at each other and said “fuck that” and followed the boys. The boys were going skeet shooting. I’d never fired a gun before so that was fun. In the time since, I’ve become very anti-gun, but lately I’ve become a little mroe gun friendly. (did I already write about this… maybe I did). Anyway, long story short, I want a gun so I can protect myself but J is opposed. Soo… skeet shooting would be a good way to get acclimated again. Though archery would be awfully fun too. The other option was bowling. : (

I think I may have thought slightly less about having a drink tonight…? maybe.

Driving home, I noticed that wonderful thing… that glorious sign of summer…that harbinger of all things sweet and juicy was out… the “Strawberries U-Pick” sign!! Painted in red on a white background in stenciled letters and an arrow pointing toward the river. Yay! Seems a little early and I was hoping they woudl be picking while my sister is here, but whatever. We’ll probably get out there this Saturday adn sometime next week because I WON’T BE WORKING… bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha. Anyhoo, I also picked the first lettuce from the garden tonight to have on a delicious black bean burger wrap with avocado and cheese. yum.

Well, I’m halfway through my no-drinking month. I’m doing ok. I would like to say that today was a turning point, but I still thought a glass of red wine would be really nice for this yucky rainy day. It’s really amazing how every day I can find a different reason to want a drink. But I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s certainly a test of will, and saying “no” to myself is very hard for me. I would’ve thought that I would’ve lost weight though, and also I thought I would feel oodles better. But tonight I did some weight lifting and some stretching and maybe that helped with stress a bit. I couldnt’ honestly tell you what I’m so stressed about or why I feel so tense and irritable all the time, but I’m starting to think it’s just my personality. : )

Went for a brief walk at lunch time and it was 99.9 % humidity, so I had what basically amounts to an afro when I got back to the office. But I read in prevention magazine that 17 minutes of walking a day is enough to significantly reduce your risk of heart disease. So at teh very least, you’d think I could do 17 minutes a day, right? I think the key with me is to just get in the habit of doing somethign and then I can pump it up later.

Last night I took my aggression out in the kitchen and cooked like mad. I made homemade crab cakes, pasta and bean salad, and oatmeal cookies. Crab cakes are gone, cookies are gone… lots and lots o’ salad left. Guess I’ll be bringing that to lunch for the next month.

Oh! I also went to lumosity.com last night to see if quitting drinking has made me any smarter… the short answer is “no.” doh! why am I torturing myself again?

Stella d’oro daylillies are bloomign and my roses are going crazy, but it’s rainy and I’m never home so I feel like I’m neglecting them. I shoudl get out and prune the roses but every year I have to look up how to do it and I haven’t done that yet. hmm… I think I’ll make myself a hot chocolate and then curl up with “the botany of desire.” I still think that is the absolutey best title a book could ever have. I’ve been carpooling with J and he listens to books on tape. Today we listened to one called “the jesus dynasty.” It’s kind of interesting. I’m not sure why J is all of a sudden fascinated by religion. He has his nose in a book constantly. I guess it’s better than having his nose somewhere else, so I guess I’ll shut up now.

my head hurts from way too much exertion. I’ve almost memorized the whole Jessica’s theme song. It’s a tough one and I’m about 3 measures away. I still have to look at the music sometimes to peak, but I’m very very close. It feels good becuase it’s been a real challenge and I’m almost there! I’m not even going to worry about the Enya song for now because that’s easy by comparison and if I have to I could even drop that one. But I don’t think I’ll have to. I’ve got a long weekend and another 2 weeks after that so I think I’m golden.

My sister helped me come up with a great idea for a book. It needs a little fleshing out but it has the potential to be really funny. And hey, if I’m only spending a month on it, I can take the risk. No pressure, right? The plan is to start June 1 and obviously be done by June 30 with the first draft. I see it as something sort of Carl Hiaasen-ish. Funny, irreverent, a bit kitchy, but with a little bit of a message (yet to be determined).

Had a cocktail tonight but J had a Woodchuck cider and it’s Friday night, so I thought it would be ok. Need to get back into the swing of things eventually anyway. Wedding reception tomorrow and I’ll have to drink something. My new rule is 2 drinks when I go out, 1 at home but not every night. It hasn’t been too hard cutting back so far and I’m kicking ass on the no smoking. Don’t even miss it.

I have been very very tired though. But I picked J up from work and we went to the gym and did the elliptical machine. I felt no worse afterward, maybe even a little better. I’ve been eating a lot though. I’m very hungry and quite a bit bored. Very unmotivated. I literally did absolutely no work at work today. None. How I could be there for 8 hours and no do anything is pretty amazing, yet true.

I’m wearing my contacts again. My optomotrist says I’m all healed up but have to stay on the Patanol indefinitely, which seems weird. I’m happy to not look like ugly betty anymore, but my eyes are still bothering me a bit, though I suppose seasonal allergies could be playing a role too. Everything looks really pretty but I feel like it’s all happening so fast and I’ve been so busy that I’ve barely been able to enjoy the spring. It’s been raining off and on for the last few days,w hich is good becasue we need some rain. Hopefully tomorrow will be nice so I can start pulling up some major clover.

Well, I guess that’s all. I feel pretty positive right now. Self esteem is slowly returning. feel good about my book and my piano recital and I’m really looking forward to a long weekend. I hope with some rest, etc. I can go back to work on Tuesday refreshed and ready to get some stuff accomplished and crossed off my list, while being brilliant too.

My parents got me a $50 gift card from Target for my birthday. My oldest sister got me a $50 banana republic gift card that I’ve already spent about $35 or so on. I think I might buy some exercise equipment at Target. I bought these Reebok adjustable dumbells that go up to 12.5 pounds. For my back exercises I think I need a bit heavier though, so I think I’ll see if they have heavier ones. J is pushing for that too so he can use them also. : ) I would buy some exercise dvds but our room is just not set up right to exercise so that always deters me. I have to move too many chairs and stuff and it seems like too much trouble most of the time. But this week I went for a 1 mile walk at lunch, so I got 3 days in and hope to keep improving. I can’t say I feel any better yet, but I think eventually my lungs will recover, my liver will rejoice, and my muscles will do something else that starts with r and has 2 or 3 syllables… re… re… i dunno.

So the only present I await is from my sister S. And maybe the people at work will get me something…who knows. Birthdays are fun, but I seem to never have any presents left for my actual birthday. Soon the birthday season will be over.. just one more - Father’s day and I can relax again until October (mom’s birthday).

the night off from exercise. Not like I do anything vigorous normally but I’ve been walking every day. J is doing Tae Bo and smack talking me… talking about how he’s going to win the weight loss war and earn $100. I’m on martini #2… I just want to relax tonight. maybe practice piano… maybe do some writing (yeah right… ha! I just wrote “yeah write). maybe that’s a sign.

I guess I really have nothing to write about… I’m whiny and immature and irritable and depressed. No, not really. Ok… god, I really have nothing! This tae bo crap is really annoying. I’m going up to my writing room to get drunk and write. Adios!

double income,  no kids, that is. Tonight I picked J up (actually he met me at my work and left his car there) then we went to the local audubon headquarters, where they have some trails and stuff, to go for a walk. Then we drove around Falmouth (sort of a ritzish place where people are rude and snobby) and found a little deli to have dinner at. The people were super nice, which is unusual in snobville and I had a salami sandwich and a perrier. They also sold wine there and italian ingredients and stuff. So as we left, J said it cost 20 something dollars!! For 2 freaking sandwiches, a bag of chips and 2 bottled drinks… !! We’re in MAINE. ?? But J is in a big buddhist phase so he said “well whatever, we don’t have kids” then I remembered there was an acronym for that… double income no kids.. dinks!

I feel like people at work must think I’m loaded because all of a sudden I’m spending money like water. Got a $1500 bonus today so my kayak fund is complete! I’m thinking about this one. http://www.llbean.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/CategoryDisplay?storeId=1&catalogId=1&langId=-1&categoryId=49698&sc1=Search&feat=sr Hello, you sexy thang!

And yes, I’m still buying a mini. Change my mind on the color daily but I’m back on a blue kick… with white racing stripes? ahhhh… : ) And then there’s Africa, which I still have not booked. Me and J are getting along better but I have to admit that I checked out the Portland apartment listings just to see if I could afford rent. Is that bad? But I know I couldn’t handle that kind of stress. Breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you’re married, have a house, 2 cats, and no particularly good reason to do it. Then I think to myself, if I wasn’t married what would I be doing right now? PRobably eating dinner by myself, surfing the net, being depresed, getting drunk alone and hating myself. So….

Yeah. Pretty much the same thing as I’m doing now, but with less money and no one to talk to! Isn’t it funny how the older you get it seems the less your friends count. I have friends but  I would have absolutely no one to hang out with if I was single. I suppose I would just move back down south (though I would deny that) so at least I could go to my sisters houses for dinner sometimes.

But… I have decided to live each day, day by day, and whatever happens happens. Is that the most redundant sentence ever? Things work themselves out. You know… I feel bad complaining because I’m ecstatically happy a lot. And I think about couples who are miserable together who stay for whatever stupid reason… and people who have multiple scelerosis, etc. etc. and well.. you know where I’m going with this. I guess maybe we all just always feel like we could be happier. Except some days I really don’t feel like that. Some days I’m as happy as I can be.

So fuck it. I’ve been watching Mists of Avalon, which one of my coworkers loaned me after I told her that I really got into things like Renaissance Festivals (remind me not to tell anyone that I like Star Trek). It’s good… very scandalous.. incest and sex and really sexy long haired medieval men. Speaking of sexy men… I haven’t seen many lately. It’s like they all disappeared from work. Makes life a little more boring but luckily I’ve been super busy anyway. Oh.. smoking. So the quitting smoking effort hasn’t been going great. Why did I start again? But I’ve only been having maybe 4 a day… one or two on teh way to work. one or two at luncthime. one or two on teh way home. That’s not too bad.

Getting good use out of my martini glasses. Still bored as hell at night. Need to find something to do. Might even investigate this thing called “TV” (out of pure desperation).

such passion for bathroom etiquette! I love it. Finally, I’ve created controversy. I stand by my rules, barring emergencies (which do happen).

Went to the gym, did the upright bike and some weights. Had zero cigarettes today, 3 giant chocolate chip cookies, and only 1 diet coke. Cosmo #1 in progress. I say this not because I feel guilty, I’m just giving you the tally. I’m still in no guilt mode.

I have been uberly productive lately. I wonder if it’s the mind training I’ve been doing? I wrote another etheree and I think it’s absolutely perfect. But then I’m a naricissist. Judge for yourself.

 

I just love that little triangle thing! Cute! I started a song last night called “Fight or flight” about my tendency (inherited from both parents) of running away from problems - totally valid response by the way. I have the chorus and the bridge written but not the verses. And I got my book rethought out and now it’s really good. I don’t think I can plan it all out because I think of way better stuff as I’m writing. But I’ve got some good ideas - better than before. I will start tonight. No. I will start now!

I hate work, but the thing is, I do really enjoy the social aspect of it. The stupid xmas parties and the apple bobbing. IT’s better than sitting at  home and waxing my bikini area out of boredom. Seriously. I invented another recipe last night. Macaroni, kale, vegetables, and spagehtti sauce casserole topepd with cheese! Not bad. Antoher example of my overactive mind. Bing! Bing! Bing! Maybe I should exercise more often.

tonight. It’s only $20 a month and looks pretty nice. Ran into one of my coworkers there, so maybe I can talk her into being my motivator to get my ass there. I have a long history of joining gyms and not really going to them. But I have high hopes this time. I’m also in the zone… the starvation mode that is. It’s all good. I feel a little bit like passing out, but whatever. I still save enough calories for one glass of red wine though. so if I start rambling nonsensical garbage, cut me a little slack. 

That’s funny… I thought this whole “blackwater” scandal was just a word they made up so it would be like “whitewater.”  Apparently it’s actually the name of a company. I think I need to start paying attention more. I have XM radio and they have all kinds of informative and interesting programs on, which I should really be listening to on the long commute to work. But instead I listen the same Patty G. (kiss in time, today), Lucinda, and Ryan Adams cds over and over. With a little Dido thrown in for an international flair. Her new album is supposed to come out in January. Can’t wait!

I’m getting extremely nervous about this conference I’m supposed to be presenting at. I have no idea what I”m supposed to be talking about, for how long, what format… you name it. And I’ve never done antyhign like that before. It’s hard enough for me to spend 30 seconds recapping my monthly duties at our marketing meetings. Why, oh why did I agree to this? Oh yeah, because I’m trying to overcome my fears. Very valiant in concept. Very frightening (stupid?) in reality. I’m actually considering joining one of those toast masters group. I’ve got to get over this stupid social anxiety shit. I’m too smart to come off as an airhead. A timid airhead.

I started writing down scenes for my book on index cards last night. : ) Exciting! I’ve never gotten this far before. I really can’t say enough how helpful that book I read was. I understand plot structure and the character arc and all that jazz, and it’s really goign to make my book better, adn I think it will make me more confident once I start writing it. Hopefully this time it won’t be a rambling mess! But, hey, it’s all a learning process.

Ok, I have to go off about Clarence f-ing Thomas. grrrr.. If I saw his sorry ass on the street, I’d kick it (his ass). Obviously he really did harrass Anita Hill or he woudl shut the f up about it. We all know you’re lying. Christ, like all women have had shit like that happen to them? Sorry, I’m a little grumpy in my starved state, but it makes me mad waht men think they can get away with. LIke they have a god given right to intimidate us because we’re women. I’m doing a lot of research on goddess-based religions that were prominent for the 5,000 years before the indoeuropeans conquered western europe. All experts seem to agree that it was a much better and peaceful religion when women were in charge. If women were in charge we wouldn’t have global warming right now. But we’d be jsut as successful.

I finished my trashy novel and it actually had a very valuable lesson in it about the destruction of the everglades. I love trashy novels with a conscious. Skinny Dip. I recommend! Ok, gonna go pass out now. See ya.