Thanks for the fish

day than a summer day today. It’s cold and dreary, overcast and intermittently rainy. We were out late last night “gallactic bowling” with some friends. It was sort of fun, but I drank too much beer, ate too much bowling alley food, and well, I can’t deny it… bowling kicked my ass. I started off strong with a spare, then as I got tireder and tireder (I know that’s not a word) I got worse and worse and got many many gutter balls. But oh well, better than sitting home on my birthday. : )

So we got home around 1 in the morning and you know I normally go to bed at 9, so yeah, that was way past my bedtime. Oh, and J took me out to a nice dinner too. I had hanger steak and garlic “smashed” potatoes and a cosmo. Anyway, so I slept till 11, got up, ate breakfast and then we tried to do some zen-ifying of the office. We had these magazines on a bookshelf in teh office, some that we’ve been toting around since 1998! So I went through them ruthlessly and tossed 99% of them. It’s silly the things you keep. Then, with all that extra space, we decided to go to borders. To help with my book research, I bought a bunch of books about pirates. : ) Call it synchronicity, but everywhere I went there was pirate stuff everywhere. Or else we can just assume that pirates are very popular and I’ve just never noticed it before. You decide. Then, I got to chatting with the cashier at borders and she assured me that there is buried treasure off the coast of Cliff Island in Casco Bay, left by Captain Kidd. Yes, you’re wondering where all this pirate stuff came from out of the blue. You’ll see when my novel comes out, which coincidentally I have to start actually writing tomorrow! Exciting.

So no garden tasks accomplished today because of the poopy weather. I have officially crossed off zero of 26 items on my list. But I have high hopes to get at least 2 done tomorrow, in between novel writing, and piano practicing. I’ve also vowed to keep the kitchen, living room and bedroom clean. J has been cleaning constnatly and I frankly can’t handle the guilt. He wont’ stop! Damn him! NOOO! Sigh… the things I have to put up wtih from that man. It’s almost too much for me.

I’ve dropped the Enya song from teh recital program. My teacher thought I shoudl concentrate on teh other one (ouch). But she gave me some good tips and a plan of attack, so I feel good about it.

What else? Made squash soup, bought some sexy peek toe black Tahari heels from TJ Maxx ($29!), watched Deja Vu (quite good actually), snuggled with the kitties, and let J have the last bit of wine that I didn’t drink on Thursday night. Decided again that I should quit drinking and instead of beating msyelf up about it, I’m just going to decide to keep deciding that I should stop drinking and maybe one day, I will actually do it! Habits are hard, man. But I quit smoking, so I rock. I also bought a book by the Dalai Lama called “how to see yourself as you really are.” So that will be my bedtime reading tonight. Well, it’s almsot 9, so I think I’ll go up and get ready for bed, bring up some magazines ,and  some books and just relax and try to heal from all that bowling!

Oh, and my mother in law bought me a $50 gift certificate to the local greenhouse! We haven’t gotten the veggies planted yet. In fact, haven’t even rototilled the poop in yet, but maybe manana. So I will probably buy the veggies with the certificate. Need to figure out what to plant first though. We will do much better this year!

Had sort of a crappy day at work. It wasn’t so bad, but I got that feeling a few times…you know that high blood pressure feeling where you want to rip somebody’s head off? Ever get that? But I took a deep breath, resorted to short sentences and turning my head, and then just blocked people out. I don’t even have pms, which leads me to believe that people are just irritating. But what can you do? I’m in a bit of a spot because I’ve told people over and over again how NOT to irritate me but they don’t seem to be paying attention, so that’s it. I just can’t let it bother me. Part of what bothers me is that I think maybe I’m not that good at my job. I know I’m good at parts of it, but I’m not great at everything (who is, right?) so that bothers me too. But all I can do is to do the best I can do and let the rest roll off my back.

But I’m not at work anymore so fuck that. I wanted to talk about girlfriends I love love love. I mentioned my friend J last night. I haven’t seen her or even talked to her since Xmas. She has 2 young kids so is obviously pretty busy. I kept thinking about her lately but never called. Then I went down to VA a few weeks ago and didn’t see her just because I didn’t have time. But she called last night and we always have a good time talking. I feel like I have aquaintainces but no real friends, but when I talk to her I do legitimately feel like she is a friend. We laugh a lot and tell the truth and just kind of enjoy our conversations. We talk about football and kids and husbands and times gone by when we were young and all the people we used to know. I also tried to talk her into coming to visit me. Her husband travels all the time so I think it would be nice for her. I haven’t told J yet because I’m not sure he’d be too thrilled to have 2 young kids stay with us…

Then my sister-in-law J is also in town and she’s really funny. She can get on my nerves but when she decides to be nice, I liker her a lot. Her and her boyfriend came over last night and we talked a lot, so I got lots of talking in (for me). Tonight I’m supposed to go up and get my birthday present from her since she’s staying at my mother in law’s house. There is some family drama going on. Her brother (and J’s) got divorced and nobody really knows the story (I assume his wife found a better gig) but now my mother in law, who was always hard on the wife, is her best friend. And my 17 year old niece is dating a 19 year old navy guy and going off to college in OK (where he is based) and everyone seems ok with that. I mean, I was young once and all and we’ll do what we want to do… but I just feel like my dad would’ve given me a much harder time. But then i think maybe it’s just one of those things where people (me) are threatened by a new person coming into the group (the boyfriend) but that’s silly because I never even hang out with the family.

In that vein though, some people are very territorial. I guess I am too. Is it female thing? My friend D is like that. She doesn’t want to give up control, or information.. she’s reluctantly accepted me and A into the group but there’s another girl (who I admit can be a bit annoying) who she just wont’ allow in. I feel bad because god knows I’ve been that girl. But I have a bad bad habit in my life of acting just like other annoying girls when I have friends, and then cursing them when I’m the one on the outs. It’s a conundrum. But I was pissed off at everyone today so I can’t say I was part of any group dynamic at all. Sometimes I’m ok with that.

Well, I’ve pigged out on crackers full of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oil and tons of calories. WE were going to go to the gym but I left my workout clothes at work. I remembered as soon as I walked out, but since I left without saying goodbye to anyone (rather rudely) I didn’t want to go back. Then I didn’t even go for a walk when I got home. Oh well.

I’ve been fantasizing about my garden at night instead of about cute boys, so you know summer has finally reached Maine. I still notice the cute boys and they seem cuter than ever, but I can’t be bothered with that. Not when there is weeding and mulching and planting to plan.

I finally remembered my dream from teh other night. i went to a movie theater - I think with my coworker A. It was in Maryland at a place called White Flint Mall, which is a real place, but not really the place in my dreams. We walk in and it turns otu that they have to bus us to antoher theater. I sort of lose interest in being with A and just get on the bus by myself wondering where we are going. It seems a little effed up. Then I realize they are just taking us across the parking lot to another part of the mall, which is newer with tons of restaurants and every imaginable thing. Then I’m in my old car - my old green hyundai accent that I called “the green bullet” loved that car. Then since I’m in my car, I don’t want to go to the movie anymore. Then (graphic details coming up - fair warning!) I got really horny and decide to masterbate in my car. tee hee.

On that note, I’m off to get my birthday present, stomach cramps and all.

icky, but that’s not what I will write about. Saturday was my little town’s plant sale to raise funds for their little library (everything I guess is little in this town). I love this plant sale because it’s the kind where people dig stuff out of their garden to donate, so you get perennials they’ve divided and other random things like weeds and wildflowers, which are my personal favorite. It opened at 9 and we got there at 9:05 and had to park a ways up the street. The place was absolutely mobbed. It’s in this big building which I guess is the town hall and they have tables set on all sides, plus long ones in the middle. There was sort of a line, a slow moving line that sometimes never moved, but not enough room to get around people. I went a little nuts, in more ways than one. What did I buy? hmm..

(that paragraph was getting long). I bought a purple coneflower. I tried one of those the first year I lived here and it died the first winter, but they always make me think of my mom and the garden she had at our house in Virginia…hostas and purple coneflowers. I bought a peony - also something I tried my first year and didn’t winter over. I bought some trilliums (another thing my mom loves). 2 lilacs, which we haven’t planted yet. I try not to buy things in 2s but that’s all I had money left for. I bought a golden spurge or something - sounds weedy, huh? An oriental poppy! (tried those before too). A pulmonary (lungwort?) which I’ve wanted for a while for my shade garden. A michelmas daisy, just because I love daisies so..though I guess it is technically an aster, and I think I have them growing wild in my driveway. Some johnny jump ups (haven’t planted yet) which I love love love love. Sooooo sweet. They are the definition of sweet. They make me happy. I hope I don’t kill them.

I’m probably forgetting something. But it was fun, anyway. Oh, and my writing class last night… I just can’t say enough about that group. It was so what I needed. My self esteem is still not great, but that helped a lot. Just to have people listen to what I write and say nice things… it’s a good thing. And they are all so talented. I’m pretty shy in the group, but I’m starting to warm up to them. I wrote a story about a skunk and a train that I’ll have to post on my other blog. I have to smile just thinking about it (the group). We’re meeting every 2 weeks now.

Work sucks because all my friends are at conferences or off somewhere and I’ve had no one to talk to so the day goes by super slowly. I also read that nicotine withdrawal actually causes a warp in your time perception so time goes by more slowly (really!) I know you don’t believe me.

I have a freelance project to write copy for a brochure for a cleaning company. Riveting. : ) I can’t seem to focus on anything though (I’m also blaming withdrawal for this). I worked on my Man from Snowy River song for a long time tonight and have the first 2 pages memorized. 1 more to go. I was looking at the sheet that my teacher gave me and apparently I’m supposed to have my songs “completely polished and memorized 2 lesson before the recital”. That would be in 2 days and I’m nowhere close, but I think since I’m a big girl I can convince her not to cut me from the program. I hope. : (

My sister, her husband and their little boy - my little nephew - are coming for July 4th. That gives me some motivation to get my clover ridden “garden” in shape before then. We also need to start thinking about the veggie garden. My father in law had a bigger spot tilled up and we’ll be shoveling loads of horse manure on it this weekend. Good stuff! OUr garden sucks when we put no poop on it. I’d love to get some poop for my flowers too, but it’s hard on the ol’ back to shovel that shit, so I guess I’ll stick to bags of mulch for now. My soil seems ok… it’s pretty sandy but stuff seems to grow well enough (especially the clover).

Well, this is a long post. I have a haircut on Saturday just to get it cleaned up. I haven’t been since Feb 3 so that’s a long time. It’s looking a little scraggly and very long. I can’t decide what to do about a new car. I’m spending about $400 a month in gas and I just don’t have the funds… I’ve been carpooling quite a bit with J and I could drive his ‘95 civic, but it’s so damn loud and slow. I want a prius but nobody has them in stock. At this point I think the technology will only improve, inventory will only go up and prices will only go down…. so I guess that means I wait another year, buy some earplugs and suck it up with the civic and carpooling.

Ok, one more thing. My cat freaked out again last night. It was a full moon. We sprayed phermones everywhere and locked the good cat in our bedroom. Come morning he seemed ok. Poor guy… is prozac the answer my dearie? He’s sitting on top of my desk right now. : )

Monday night.

1) Man, am I tired. My flight from VA got in at midnight, so I was home by 1 am and in bed. I am so glad to be home. PLease just remind me (again) that there is no place like home. So comfy and lovely, with good company and a warm bed, and boy do I love where I live. You couldn’t pay me to move (well, maybe you could… but that will be a later random thought).

My trip was nice, but it was cold and rainy in Virginia. I was really tired the whole time, perhaps because I was hanging out with a 1 year old boy for most of the time. My nephew is wicked cute! He really is. He toddles around and points at things and says “da!” to everything. My sister is concerned he’s slow, but I think he’s just being smart. As soon as he starts talking they’ll be able to reason with him (and who the hell wants that?). Went to a place called Aladdin for a falafel wrap with my friend A and she broke teh news that she is pregnant. So that means I am virtually the only one left from my long term friends who hasn’t had a baby. She said she could have waited another 10 years, since she really likes her life, but you know…that whole biological clock BS. I guess you have to shit or get off the pot eventually. I got off the pot!

I didn’t mean to but I went on about my conspiracy theories and came off like a crackpot. It really wasn’t intentionally but you know, the red wine was a-flowin’. Then I called my sister and her husband sell outs for being rich bastards and not buying a hybrid car (they bought a ford escape - non hybrid). whoopsie. I know… I’m obnoxious! It’s not like I don’t know it. Oh well… they are family, so theoretically they have to forgive me.

My sister also called me a pessimist since I’m very unhappy with the state of the world. I’m especially pissed off about health care. If I didn’t love Maine so much, I would seriously think about moving to England where I could at least get free health care. It’s total BS and you know it. I pay for health insurance and NOTHING IS EVER COVERED! But, as I said to J tonight, there’s no point getting upset about health insurance or the phone company because they’re both going to f*ck you over and there’s nothing you can do about it. And the high blood pressure that you get from being pissed off just makes you sicker and then you end up paying more. Now tell me that’s not a conspiracy. Or at least a whopping big paradox..

Conspiracy theory: Women are kept in their place by thinking about men and their appearance constantly (the two are really tied together.) I know I talk about this a lot, but when a man looks ugly (and they DO have bad days too) I seriously doubt that they let it ruin their day. All the time we spend (not to mention the money) on our appearances. Having said that… my pores are huge. I just bought some Neutrogena Pore refining toner and cream. I’ll let you know how it works.

Another random thought: I think I’ve figured out the purpose of marriage. It’s because it’s too distracting being single….always looking around, etc. IT allows you to think about other things, and not only that but then people don’t ask you about your love life (because you obviously don’t have one once you get married). When you’re single, people constantly ask about your love life. How annoying. And then you have to be defensive about not really caring about it, when nobody believes that. Of course, I haven’t been single for 10 years, but I sort of remember what it’s like. So there’s another blessing for being married. If there was a bit of sex involved, it wouldn’t be so bad.

Yes, and it goes downhill from there.. now I’m going to talk about my new diet, and then I might talk about shoes! So at this conference I went to, they said that you could figure out your ideal weight by taking the number of inches above five feet that you are (8 for me) times 5 (40) plus 100 = 140. That’s 15 pounds less than I am right now, but oh… you know… everyone tells me I’m big boned and they compliment me (i think) by saying “you don’t look like you weigh that much!” Whatever. And I say to myself… you’re healthy, you look good, why worry. But I would imagine, it’s better not to have rolls of fat… just a theory. Anyway, I just feel like doing it, so now I’m cutting calories to 1500 and have vowed to exercise most days.

The same talk at the conference said that sleep was mucho importante, as is being happy. And they even mentioned Martin Seligman and his whole Positive Psychology thing. Then, coincidentally (synchronicitally) my sister gave me back my Authentic Happiness book this trip, so now I’m rereading it. I poopooed all that for a while when I was in my Jungian phase, but I’m back in a practical phase and I wanna be happy goddamnit!

So you didn’t belive me when I said i had 101 random thoughts… Oh! I finished Wicked. I think I might be dense because I never understand books or movies… I enjoy them, I enjoy the writing (or the acting) but I don’t really know what it was about. Somethinga bout the nature of evil and the environment shaping what you become and it all depends on the point of view….?? I dunno, but I liked it nonetheless.

still need to plant my callas…finger slowly healing (103 random thoughts)

today. Oh well. They won yesterday too, but I did go two days without a single cocktail. : ) I am having one tonight though. Can’t win ‘em all. I still like my system and have faith in it, and plan to one day market it (just kidding).

Anyway, so I went to my last writing group last night and it was so great. And all night I kept hoping that someone would bring up the idea of us continuing to meet and finally someone did! Yeah, god forbid I speak up.. timid lil me. So I’m ecstatic. I don’t know why it’s so important to me, but the writing group has just gotten me so much closer to where I want to be. First of all, it forces me to write. Before we just wrote in class and that’s good too. But for the final class we had to write something before hand and I guess I realized that I really need a deadline in order to make something happen. I’m not sure how often we will meet - weekly, biweekly, or monthly, but I’m super excited.

I feel very blessed in my life right now and again thank the lord that I moved to maine because none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t. The problem with living somewhere where there are millions and millions of people is that you get lost in the crowd. Yes, there is a lot going on, but I never felt like I belonged to any of it. I tried a few things. Went to a few churches in search of god/dess, did a few other random things, but nothing ever stuck. Here, I’ve just found such a good niche and I feel like I belong… like at the music store I take lessons at, and my group, and at work, and even in the neighborhood (since they are all related to me and have to talk to me).  It’s just very cool being a child of nomads to feel at home somewhere and yet have the independence to feel that I could go anywhere too. But why would I want to?

I’ve been doing kind of a shoddy job at work lately. I turned in a project that really sucked and got called on it. I’ve had a lot going on but I still have plenty of time during the day to get my job done and do it right. So that sort of sucks, but all I can do is start over and do better. My boss wasn’t too hard on me. He said I should take it as a complement that he hardly ever had to say anything to me about the quality of my work. I’m not too sensitive about it but I feel bad. My friend D is on her wedding/honeymoon cruise so I’m a little bored without her. My friend A is still there but he can get on my nerves wicked bad sometimes. He overthinks everything and he can be a real Eeyore. And he’s a perfectionist control freak. But I love him (as only a straight married girl can love her gay guy friend).

I have piano tomorrow and my songs aren’t coming along, probably because I haven’t practiced them at all. I have a recital June 9 and I have to have them memorized. This is year 2 for me on this. The problem is that I just dont’ like the songs she picked and I’m still mad at her for the way the whole thing went down. She irks me sometimes… I don’t know why. I guess it’s pride or something that I pick up in her and it rubs me the wrong way.. or some really big need for people to say that she plays well… it’s sort of sad actually, but I’ve never been one to play into people’s hands. That’s mean I guess… if she needs approval that much, I should just give it to her. Anyway, whatever. Maybe it’s my own issue with not wanting to see people’s weaknesses or something.. I’m sure I could psychoanalyze but it’s strawberry shortcake time!

Boston in the morning for a girl’s weekend… should be fun. We have a matinee show of Menopause… whatever that is. : ) and lunch and tootling, and then dinner and then salsa dancing lessons! I’ll have to get pretty drunk to try that, but I guess that’s ok. I’m going with my friend D, and her “crazy aunts” and some other friends of hers that I haven’t met. And 2 other girls from work are going for part of it. I threw a shower for her at work today and I’m so glad it’s over. It turned out really good though and I think she was happy about it. Not that I did it all single-handedly.. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that. Anyway, it was fun, but the whole thing was stressing me out.

2 cocktails a night has become the norm. As has not exercising. Must get back on track… on Monday! Have a ton of work to do and got absolutely nothing done all day. BUt my hair looked good and I even let it go curly, so all is good with the world. And I lost 2 pounds this morning, though after the potluck lunch we had (lasagna, chicken chili, spanikopita, cocktail meatballs, etc.) lost my train of thought…

So I was just talking to J about people at work, and it’s such a weird regional maine thing that there is a certain body type that is very typical of maine women… big boobs, no hips, no butt, skinny legs. J’s mother has that body type and it’s just one that I’ve never really seen anywhere else before. Not that I’ve never seen a woman like that before, but never in such mass quantities. I think it’s a scottish thing. Wait - let me google something… yes! It’s a scottish thing. ha ha.. anyhoo… I must pack, wrap presents for yet another shower, maybe make some cranberry apple chutney, maybe watch that queen elizabeth movie about the golden age… etc. etc. : ) Happy weekend!

You have to pronounce it like the Frence do… Kebec! Not Kwebec. Ahh… land of much snow, many hills, and broken diets! Love it! I’ve spent the last 2 days eating fabulous food, drinking red wine, and walking up and down more snowy hills than my poor legs can stand. I’m literally limping! But it’s all good… and we almost missed the big snow storm on the way home. It’s out there now though, howling away, throwing more snwo on top of the gazillion inches we already have. another storm on Wedesday now, they say. I just can’t take it much longer.

Ok, now I’m going to recount all my meals for the last few days. I must do it so I know where to go next time I go to Quebec City.

First, our friends F & A picked us up at 9. 10 minutes later I was hungry and by the time we got to Jackman, Maine, I was about ready to eat my cheap paperback so we stopped in at the 4 seasons restaurant, voted best restaurant in maine in 2006! really?! Wow, in a little outpost like Jackman. Surprising. BUt hey, I got a nice BLT on wonderbread and we were on our way once again. The border crossing is always interesting and F gets nervous under pressure. But we made it through nonetheless, giggling the whole way (not generally recommended). It snowed the whole way too.

We checked into our hotel which was ultra cool, ultra modern hotel that I was quite impressed by. Then we went out in our boots and 50 layers of clothes looking for dinner. Found an irish pub (i know, ha ha.. very french, right?) They didn’t serve food but the waitress/barmaid was so sweet that we stayed for a few drinks. She recommended a place next door for dinner called the Hobbit. Of course she said that in french so I thought she was talking about an obituary. Finally she spelled it and we were like “oooh… the HOBBit.” God bless the people of Quebec for putting up with our english speaking/non french speaking crap. They were very sweet and very accommodating. LIke Paris but without the attitude, I suppose. Not that I”ve ever been. And I guess we got a bit of an attitude, but not a whole lot.

Anyway, dinner was absolutely amazing. I got the special of farfalle a la strogranoff, 1/4 liter (about a glass and a half) of the house red, and tiramisu for dessert. Incredible. Then we wandered around the winter carnival… ice sculptures and ice palaces and music and booze. Then we got tired and headed back…long walk

Next day we had pizza, which was also really good. Can’t remember the name of it but on the main drag in old quebec. Something about the cheese they serve up there… so fresh and good. Then another amazing dinner at a place called Versa. Kind of a schwanky place and we felt  a little underdressed in our jeans and boots, but we got over it. I ordered chicken, which came on a bed of giant french fries. yum! and raspberries cosmos. Breakfast this morning of french toast and apples at a place called le postino. also fabulous. God I love that town. Yes, pretty much all we did was eat. : ) We also did some snow rafting, drank some caribou, and walked around a LOT!

Quebec City is on a hill above the St. Lawrence river, which is huge there. There was ice floating down the river and we watched a barge with a bunch of multi-colored shipping containers float by, slicing the ice as it went. I love watching rivers, especially in busy places. I could watch the mississippi in New Orleans for days on end. I just look at the ship and it reminds me of what you think of as the olden days. These guys from half way across the world who are living on the ships for months at a time, gettin’ stuff around the world. Those are the true adventurers. I’m a bit jealous of them.

Well, I guess that’s it. If you ever have a chance to go to quebec city, go! Just for the food, it’s worth it. : ) back to weight watchers tomorrow.

holidays still. I guess it still is. It’s going to be one hard thing to get used to going to work 5 days a week again, but not until the week after next, and hopefully I’ll have a new job by then. No news on the job front, but I still have high hopes. Or hopes anyway. Ambiguous hopes, but they’ve solidified into expectations, so now I’m vested. PLus the roads have been so horrendous with this crappy weather that I’m really damn tired of driving 80 miles a day fearing for my life the whole way.

Got home and J had unhooked my monitor so couldnt’ poop around my computer all night like I usually do, so I popped in  a dvd - Something’s  Gotta Give. I just love that movie. There are so many great things about it that I could just watch it over and over again. I’ve probably already written all this before and fairly recently at that. But I love that Diane Keaton’s character is a writer. And I love the fact that Keanu’s character falls in love with her and says “I’ve never had this reaction to a woman before. And when something happens to you that’s never happened before, you have to at least find out what it is.” And I love that her character and Jack Nicholoson’s character say the same thing too. They’ve all protected themselves from getting hurt their whole lives but they finally open up and get hurt. And then she tells her daughter that it’s all worth it in the end. I know it’s cheesy for me to be rambling on and on about a love story, but to me, that one is real. Except maybe the happy ending. Not to be negative. I also love how she is so honest about her feelings even though she comes off like a psycho. I wish I was that brave and not always thinking about that everytime I express an emotion men think I’m crazy (which is true - not that I’m crazy but that’s what men think). And I love that she just doesn’t care, and then she writes about it and she gets through it and moves on. And even though she never really gets over him, she still moves on. And I think it’s true. It hurts like f-ing hell, but it’s worth through, because if nothing else it’s good material for your writing. : )

J’s watching The Cosmos - a dvd set I got him for xmas. It’s hosted by Carl Sagan, who I hear died quite a while ago. I had heard his name before but never really knew who he was. He’s totally adorable. So excited about the universe, and it’s from the 70s so he’s wearing these cute little pant suits. Now J’s giving me facts about the solar system. Venus is the same size as the earth. Jupiter is so big you could fit 100 earths in it. Nerds are so adorable! I had an eye appointment and my eye doctor is another adorable nerd. He’s a fresh faced farm boy from Indiana and we always have great conversations. I told him about Quebecois sugar pie and he told me that in Indiana they have sugar cream pie, which I’ve never heard of but sounds tasty.
 
I got a $25 borders gift card so I bought Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut Jr. I put this on my list because it was recommended by someone - but I had my reservations. I’ve never read anything by him before and for some reason I thought it was going to be some hideous, dense, complicated crap like Thomas Pynchon or something. But it’s not! It’s awesome. It’s funny and quirky and smart and wonderful. I absolutely love it! I also bought Man without a country, which I started reading at the store and love that too. What a great discvoery.

Well, tomororw is Saturday. I’m excited to sleep in. Yes, excited. I’m still tired from the road trip. My parents are here and may stay tomorrow night but we’re gonig over to F&A’s house to watch the Skins game. F is a cowboys fan and the redskins will get into the playoffs if they win. : ) Conflict! Just add booze and I see a fun night ahead of me. We haven’t seen them in a while, and if I”m going to be working from home I need to start nurturing some local frienships. Besides I want to ask A if she wants to start a writing group with me. Yes, this has the makings of many propositions I make when I’m drunk which never materialize. Like our plans to go the quebec winter carnival. (which may have happened if J had got off his ass and mailed his damn passport application). oh well. ; ) whatever. Havent’ written in weeks. Thinking about buying a new laptop. Maybe a pretty red one. ooh lookit the purdy colors!! gimme!

it’s 4:39 and pitch dark outside. sigh… It’s been raining and storming for 2 days and nights. And I don’t feel well. I had a flu shot on tuesday and now I feel like I’m getting the flu. hmm… for some odd reason I thought the flu shot was supposed to NOT give you the flu. I guess I’m confused.

I’ve been a total bitch all week. I just can’t control it. I’ve snapped at my coworkers. People I normally like are driving me up the freaking wall with their denseness. aRRRGGHH. My parents left this morning. It was getting a little ugly. I had a little too much to drink (my mom loves that!) and went on and on about how they weren’t serious about getting a house up here. They love it when J gives them a hard time, but god forbid I say anything. ACtually you’d think I didn’t even exist. ahh family. Next week is my sister. She’s fun though. We’ll have a good time. And I only have to work 3 days.

The thing that annoys me about my coworkers is that they are such rule followers. I like thinking of new ideas and trying to be logical about thinigs. I swear the only thing that comes out of their mouth is “I think what K (our boss) wanted was this… ” We have brains kids. And we’re allowed to use them! Yes! It’s true. Frustrating. Work is suddenly just the most frustrating thing in the world, and I can’t imagine that it suddenly became that way. I’ve just suddenly noticed. But then I found out the range for the other job, and the low point is not much higher than I’m making and I know they are going to low ball me. I fully intend to negotiate (as I have my doubts anyway so who cares if I don’t get it). The perfect bargainign position.

I have to go to a baby shower tomorrow… about 2 hours away from my house. : ( I like the girl, I do. But I’d really rather not do this. But I guess that’s what friends do… suffer for each other. Plus I doubt I’ll know anyone else there. Oh well…whatever.. suck it up!

Piano recital on monday and I’m not prepared and don’t really care. Did I really used to get stressed about these things?

Ok… I found out where my fear of life comes from. My mother. When I lived in DC and was learning how to drive, I developed this fear of the beltway, which is the highway that circles DC. It is kind of scary. People drive like idiots and way too fast, in whatever lane they want to (actually I didn’t even realize there were actual rules about lanes until I moved to Maine - seriously). But eventually I realized that my mother put that fear into me. She’s scared of everything. And yet she loves taking the greyhound bus by herself all over the country. Complicated woman. Very very very complicated! (read: “crazy”) .

OH well… I haven’t written in my book in 3 days so i better put some words in.

Ok… now I know all I talk about here is synchronicity, synchronicity, synchronicity (say that 7 times fast), but this one is just plain weird. My trusty dusty book does tell me, though, that the more you pay attention, the more synchonous things will happen. Case in point…

I have a friend at work who I have this weird psychic connection with. I can read her mind. I’ve talked about that before here, I think. Just for background… we had both talked about going on this music cruise that has patty griffin (who I love) and John Hiatt (who she loves). So, as we were talking about this I went on and on about how much I loved Patty and how I was going to stalk her on the cruise. My friend didn’t know who Patty was though and had never heard her songs.

Last week, I got a comment on this blog (hi mary!) about Patty and how our fellow blogger, Mary, had used Patty’s song “Heavenly Day” at her son’s wedding for a mother/son song. Now, Patty griffin is not exactly mainstream, so the fact that a fellow Patty fan would stumble across this blog is weird in itself. Now, this morning, my friend came in to work and said she heard the coolest song on the radio and she had never heard it before but as she was listening to it thought that it sounded like something I would like, and she was convinced it was patty griffin. She said the name of the song was Heavenly Day! Weird. Then, she said she was thinking about using it as her wedding song (she’s getting married next June)… weird… 2 weddings…same song. Then, I told her that Patty wrote that song about her dog. My friend almost started crying, because (I had forgot abou this when I told her) but she has been really depressed about a dog that she loved and lost about a year ago, but had been thinking about the dog a lot and had been thinking about a way of including his picture or something in her wedding… see how it all comes together??

Anyway, I think that’s pretty synchronous. I think all this stuff is trying to tell me something about my life too. I think what it is trying to tell me is that I need to focus on more feminine influences in my life. I have spent way too much of life looking to men to teach me something insightful. And you know what? All they’ve taught me is that I don’t really need them. No offense to J, who I truly love. But seriously, I rely on men for my self esteem and excitement, and I think they have something to give me, and I’m just not sure anymore. I think maybe it’s time I focused on some female frienships and see what I learn from them.

Speaking of men, though. Saturday is the 10th anniversary of my very first contact with J. : ) And in another month will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I got him a Dwight Shrute (from the Office) bobblehead doll. We’ll be in California on vacation on our actual anniverary, so hopefully he will do something nice (I’ve been heavily hinting). Last year, he got me the most fabulous Diane Von Furstenberg sexy red dress for a present. I actually tried it on yesterday morning just for kicks. It’s, by far, the best thing I own. I’ve only worn it twice but I’m brining it to California with me and am damn well going to find an excuse to wear it!

What else? My sister’s coming tomorrow and I’m excited. Oh, and I got the program from this earth friendly summit I’m going to present at. It looks awesome! I’m really excited to be a part of it, despite the fact that I’m the aboslute worst public speaker in the history of the world! I don’t care… I am conquering fear and am going to live my life from now on.  Yeah, I’m a little pumped up. : )

Oh.. I was going to wrap this up, but I just have to say, despite my failure in the kitchen the other night, I made a fabulous dinner tonight of kielbasa, fresh potatoes, and onions. Oh…my…god. Yum!