Thanks for the fish

struck! Call it summer mania but I’m on an intellectual roll lately. My revamped book is flowing like lava and I’ve got ideas up the yazoo. Each night I sit at my laptop and look out over the pond, wine glass in hand, and write 600 or more effortless words in what will become The Next Great American Novel, or at least A Published Decently Written Novel that Promises to Be Mildly Entertaining. Good fun.

In addition, I’ve started a new blog. No, no, no, dont’ feel obligated to read it. It’s too much! No really! Well, since you are pathetically begging, I’ll think about it. I actually owe it to my sister for encouraging me. This was the idea for my next book, but we decided (collectively) that I should start it as a blog. That way I can get a following and make it easier to sell the compiled posts as a book. We’re geniuses, pretty much.

Being at work all day puts a bit of a damper on all my plans but I’m taking it as best I can and at least using it as a proving ground for new hair styles. Today I tried curly. Maybe a cold rainy day wasn’t the best choice for that. Slightly afrocious was the result, but it was worth a try. When I become a rich and famous author/blogger, I will need to have a good hair style, so now’s the time to experiment.

I’m cancelling all my extracurricular activities for the summer. No more yoga. Taking a break from piano. I need to concentrate on pursuits that will make me both happy and financially independent. Life is kind of fun when you decide to take the bull by the horns. As far as I’m concerned, the universe is here to serve me. And I mean that in the least ego-centric way possible.

Oh! I signed up for these notes from the Universe. It’s called tuts adventure club or something like that. The universe sends me these awesome emails Monday-Friday. Today’s said something like “As much as you want to be angry at someone, you can’t help but think how much you love them.” That was actually quite appropriate because despite my superpositivity lately, I’ve been a little miffed at a certain sister who bought me (no, I should say “got me” since I think it was a regfit) cellulite cream for my upcoming birthday. I’m not exactly pissed about it… but it does sort of make me think she’s a bitch. Overreacting?

But the universe is right. Of course I love her. Dearly.

And speaking of ego, I’ve really tried lately to let it go. It’s for the best. Last night, my coworker/friend and my boss/friend? were walking out together and they saw J’s car and him waiting for me, and I was walking toward them but they didn’t see me. I see my boss say something to my friend and then she saw me and did this very obvious “Oh here’s L!”…translation: shut up moron, she’s right there so stop talking about her. It took a minute for me to catch on, so that was good since I’m very bad at hiding my feelings. I don’t know what they were talking about, but just the thought that they were gossipping about me kind of brought me down. I suppose they could  be planning a giant surprise birthday party for me…. buuuuttt I think they were probably talking about J’s car. I hate to think they are that petty, and yet I sort of know that they are. But why get upset, right? This is sort of my mantra lately. Everyone else is so busy getting upset over all the trivial things that I do. And that everyone else does. It seems to me that the world needs someone who doesn’t. Enter me.

And with that, I’m off to pick fresh spinach out of the garden. J shoveled shit on the garden when I was out of town and even got the rust out of my trailer hitch. What a guy what a guy. And I’m gonna get upset over cellulite cream??? HA! (I’m really not upset.)

I feel different today…not sure why. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s sort of cool and overcast and makes me feel like I’m in a different place. And it’s the end of an era at work. The cute guy era. They are all leaving tomorrow. It’s actually probably a good thing…less distractions…easier for me to be the superstar! I really want to start kicking ass at work. But instead, today I went to get my hair highlighted, which took several hours. I like it though! One day perhaps I’ll make actual work a priority over my hair. But not today obviously.

I’m bowing out of my recital. I’m just not ready. I don’t know if it’s my fault, or my teacher’s, but lately it’s just not working out. I’m not going to put myself through the unnecessary stress of that. I wonder how all my fall classes will affect my committment to piano. I just don’t feel like I’m learning anything anymore. I get bored easily..i need constant progress, people. And all I’ve gotten lately is disappointment. What I do want to do though, is finish my Uncle Bill’s songs. I have some lyrics he wrote and I want to put them to music. But it’s not easy!

Work is overwhelming…too much to do, and I’m afraid it’s all crap at this point. I just don’t have the time to make things as good as I want them. Had one of those ego-killing moments today but took it in stride. What else can you do, right?

I need some new music! I think it’s time I tootled around on itunes and see what new is out there.

J is in a killing mood. At the wedding reception he killed a wasp. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, whatever, but it doesn’t seem to fit in with his so-called buddhist tendencies. Then he killed a bee tonight. He was convinced it was a killer bee, and hell, maybe it was. It really was chasing him very aggressively. Oh! we had a bat out on the screened in porch last night. I think maybe he’s been there a while because I heard something the other night…which freaks me out because I leave that door open to the house and let the cats run out there. But I guess bats sleep during the day so he never came out. Sure as hell don’t want a bat in my house. Though, I have to say, I am partial to rodents, and that includes bats. I think they’re awful cute. : ) (but they still scare me)

I’ve been a little stressed out lately. Part of it is work. Part is these medical problems…they’re minor but I get all worked up about them, like I’m going to have them the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m normally so panic-sensitive. But I swear I nearly had a panic attack the other day. I”m starting to think that after a decade of holding out and sucking up, this may be the year I actually get some meds from the doctor. Yeah, I’m talking about prozac. Wonder if it works…

of running at a time. It’s still nearly killing me, but I can’t but feel that I’m making progress. Now I’m having a cosmo.

Today was nice… one of those sundays that seem to last forever and can hold a million lifetimes of whatever I want to do. For instance… my mom stayed over last night so we had tea together this morning (plus I slept in). Then she left and I decided to continue on the bathroom project that I started several weeks ago. Just took a picture.. maybe I’ll remember to add it later. I only have one coat of primer on so far and it’s always surprising to me how little that first coat of primer does. In other words, it looks like total shit. But still… progress… I don’t require much. It was painted a dark green so it’s going to take a few coats of primer and a few coats of lovely periwinkle paint before it looks good. Luckily I have beadboard on the bottom half of the walll, so the surface area is pretty small. Then I just need my dad to help me with the lights, hang the mirror and I’m done.

Then I worked on Cider House Rules for a while. It’s a 5 page song and my teacher told me to not try and memorize the final 2 pages. pshaw! Whatever! I can totally do it. I’m working on page 3 right and that’s the hardest page, so once I get done with that it will be cake. The recital is on the 15th…so plenty of time.

Continuing to read, and continuing to love A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murikami. I lived in japan when i was in elementary school and then again for 2 years when I was in high school. That’s a long time ago now but it’s a time I remember fairly well. This book is about Japan so it’s fun to read as I can related a teeny bit to it. I love the way he writes. I always like those sort of bumbling self effacing narrators with personality..and the story is sort of hard to grasp, and I like that too. I think that’s one thing I don’t do well - mystery. Being a copywriter, I’ve spent my whole career trying to write things that are totally clear and don’t need any interpretation at all. Perhaps I need to get over that with fiction writing.

Another thing I’ve noticed about my writing is that the hardest part for me is finding a good idea. IN my writing group (when they decide to meet which is pretty infrequently) we have a writing prompt and then just write. I always find something to write about with the prompt. But without a prompt, I’m hopeless! But I’ve read things about different authors and they always ask them “where do you get your ideas” and they always say…everywhere! the newspaper, tv, friends, whatever. Sooooo… I think what I’ll do is write some short stories for a while and try to hone the craft of coming up with ideas. I’ll look through magazines and write a story about something I read, etc. I’m going to start tonight. As soon as I write this, finish my cosmo, make dinner, eat dinner, etc. etc. etc. But really, I will.

Dyed my hair “really red.” No, that’s not the name on the box (that would be Light Auburn). I came downstairs and sat at my computer. J was at his computer right next to me. 5 minutes later, he finally looked at me and just sort of stared. I smiled. He said “That’s really red.” I said “do you like it.” He said “That’s really red.” So heretofore, light auburn will be known as “Really Red.” I, for ONE, like it. Love it.  It’s holy sexy, if you ask me.

Well, I suppose that’s all I did today. I bought an ashtray for my car at VIP yesterday. I guess that says something about my committment to stop smoking at this particular juncture. Eventually the running and the smoking are going to butt heads. Ha ha.. get it? butt heads. i kill me.

Well, guess that’s all. Did I mention I’m signing up for french classes. So in anticipation of that. arriverci! Oops, I think that is Italian. uh…. oh! Au Revoir! Oh! One more thing… it never stops raining here. Ever.

So as tired as I was from the week, I had to get up at my usual time today (6 am) because I had an 8 am haircut (don’t ask me why I did that because I don’t know). Got there and realized they had booked me with the wrong girl. Apparently there are 2 “Mandy”s there. Or Amandas, or Mandas, or some variant on the name Amanda that I haven’t figured out. Anyway, I got it cut anyway with manda/mandy/amanda #2. I showed her the picture (see yesterday’s post) and she went to town. She cut it short. Very short. Shorter than my hair has ever been since I was 5. Now I’m not the kind of person to freak out over my hair, and I always think it’s silly when people freak out over hair cuts. So I got in my car and pep talked my way all the way home “It looks good. It’s all about attitude. You can pull this hair cut off. Don’t let anyone know you don’t like it. Pretend you love it. You do love it.” Then I walked in the door and J yelled down “How do you like it” and then I broke down and it went something like this “whhhaaaaa i hate it ohmygod it’s so short i look like a boy it’s never bee this short what am i going to do” and then I curled up in a ball on my bed.

Then i decided that if I was going to have short hair, I needed to lose weight so I communed with my haircut on a very hot, solo 2 mile walk down the road and back. Then we went to recycling, the farmers market (potatoes, cukes, cheesy garlic sausage, onions, carrots) and then went for the pick-your-own raspberries and blueberries. Man.. .now I understand why those things are so expensive… not easy to pick and it takes forever to fill a pint container. Then I had a shower and did my hair and my psychology immune system kicked in (yay!) and now I’m convinced that I love my hair and I look spunky and sophisticated! Go me. My parents came down and took us to dinner. My mom’s arm is in a sling though she apparently hasnt’ been wearing it. She’s the type of person who can’t ever be stopped from doing what she wants. God bless her.

Anyway, tomorrow I’m sleeping in and catching up on some reading and just generally relaxing. Even though I had a long deep lovely nap this afternoon, I’m bushed and think I’ll hit the hay.

icky, but that’s not what I will write about. Saturday was my little town’s plant sale to raise funds for their little library (everything I guess is little in this town). I love this plant sale because it’s the kind where people dig stuff out of their garden to donate, so you get perennials they’ve divided and other random things like weeds and wildflowers, which are my personal favorite. It opened at 9 and we got there at 9:05 and had to park a ways up the street. The place was absolutely mobbed. It’s in this big building which I guess is the town hall and they have tables set on all sides, plus long ones in the middle. There was sort of a line, a slow moving line that sometimes never moved, but not enough room to get around people. I went a little nuts, in more ways than one. What did I buy? hmm..

(that paragraph was getting long). I bought a purple coneflower. I tried one of those the first year I lived here and it died the first winter, but they always make me think of my mom and the garden she had at our house in Virginia…hostas and purple coneflowers. I bought a peony - also something I tried my first year and didn’t winter over. I bought some trilliums (another thing my mom loves). 2 lilacs, which we haven’t planted yet. I try not to buy things in 2s but that’s all I had money left for. I bought a golden spurge or something - sounds weedy, huh? An oriental poppy! (tried those before too). A pulmonary (lungwort?) which I’ve wanted for a while for my shade garden. A michelmas daisy, just because I love daisies so..though I guess it is technically an aster, and I think I have them growing wild in my driveway. Some johnny jump ups (haven’t planted yet) which I love love love love. Sooooo sweet. They are the definition of sweet. They make me happy. I hope I don’t kill them.

I’m probably forgetting something. But it was fun, anyway. Oh, and my writing class last night… I just can’t say enough about that group. It was so what I needed. My self esteem is still not great, but that helped a lot. Just to have people listen to what I write and say nice things… it’s a good thing. And they are all so talented. I’m pretty shy in the group, but I’m starting to warm up to them. I wrote a story about a skunk and a train that I’ll have to post on my other blog. I have to smile just thinking about it (the group). We’re meeting every 2 weeks now.

Work sucks because all my friends are at conferences or off somewhere and I’ve had no one to talk to so the day goes by super slowly. I also read that nicotine withdrawal actually causes a warp in your time perception so time goes by more slowly (really!) I know you don’t believe me.

I have a freelance project to write copy for a brochure for a cleaning company. Riveting. : ) I can’t seem to focus on anything though (I’m also blaming withdrawal for this). I worked on my Man from Snowy River song for a long time tonight and have the first 2 pages memorized. 1 more to go. I was looking at the sheet that my teacher gave me and apparently I’m supposed to have my songs “completely polished and memorized 2 lesson before the recital”. That would be in 2 days and I’m nowhere close, but I think since I’m a big girl I can convince her not to cut me from the program. I hope. : (

My sister, her husband and their little boy - my little nephew - are coming for July 4th. That gives me some motivation to get my clover ridden “garden” in shape before then. We also need to start thinking about the veggie garden. My father in law had a bigger spot tilled up and we’ll be shoveling loads of horse manure on it this weekend. Good stuff! OUr garden sucks when we put no poop on it. I’d love to get some poop for my flowers too, but it’s hard on the ol’ back to shovel that shit, so I guess I’ll stick to bags of mulch for now. My soil seems ok… it’s pretty sandy but stuff seems to grow well enough (especially the clover).

Well, this is a long post. I have a haircut on Saturday just to get it cleaned up. I haven’t been since Feb 3 so that’s a long time. It’s looking a little scraggly and very long. I can’t decide what to do about a new car. I’m spending about $400 a month in gas and I just don’t have the funds… I’ve been carpooling quite a bit with J and I could drive his ‘95 civic, but it’s so damn loud and slow. I want a prius but nobody has them in stock. At this point I think the technology will only improve, inventory will only go up and prices will only go down…. so I guess that means I wait another year, buy some earplugs and suck it up with the civic and carpooling.

Ok, one more thing. My cat freaked out again last night. It was a full moon. We sprayed phermones everywhere and locked the good cat in our bedroom. Come morning he seemed ok. Poor guy… is prozac the answer my dearie? He’s sitting on top of my desk right now. : )

So much for fall. I may have packed up most of my summer clothes, but thank god we left the air conditioners in. It’s in the 90s today and pretty much unbearable… so I thought I’d come into the office… the bastion of air conditioning where J and the black cat have been holed up all day. I’ve been practicing piano as the sweat is dripping off my body as my other cat (he doesn’t like the a/c listened to me). I’m getting a little frustrated with my teacher. Last week I practiced a ton and I thought she was going to be really happy with my progress but instead she gave me a lecture about expression. I can totally appreciate what she was saying, but… well, come on. It’s not like I’m the next . I’d be happy to work on one song for a month and make it perfect, but instead she gives me 3 or 4 a week so I spend the whole week getting to the point where it actually sounds like a song. But whatever, it’s still fun. : ) I’m realizing I really like Beethoven. I’m working on his “Three Country Dances.” Last weekend I was trying to book fun things for each winter month and saw that there is going to be a Beethoven piano concerto in Portland with some young mid 20s guy who is supposed to be very good. It’s not till february though. I’m also working on “this masquerade”… a jazz number. the last song in my jazz book. Too bad because that was a fun book. I used to think Jazz was hard, but once you get the hang of it, it’s fun. And it’s a nice break from brain crushing classical music. You’d think that at the advent of a new instrument like the piano that they would have started out with some easier music. It’s really amazing how those guys created all this elaborate music. It boggles the mind how smart some people are.

I rented Amadeus from netflix because I’d wanted to see it since it came out in like 1985. But it was a 2 dvd set (have I told this story?) and I put the wrong one in first. Of course I didn’t understand what was going on, but you know how some movies are. Then I didn’t have the heart and go back and watch the first half, so I sent it back. But it gave me a bit of an idea of his genius (but unfortunately not mine…doh!)

Got my haircut. My hair dresser is a hoot. She cracks me up. she’s just so down to earth and funny. Though I think we basically just have the same conversation over and over, which you can do when you only see someone once every few months. I just got a trim and had her cut the front shorter. Then driving home someone on the highway honked at me and gave me the finger even though I did nothing wrong. So I gave them the finger back and tailgated them till they exited. : ) No, not really. I just stayed behind them. I wanted them to see me in their mirror so they could think about what they had done. Honestly people… we live in Maine. Re-lax mon.

Oh! Tried my light therapy this morning. I slept awfully last night. I feel pretty good today (took a nap though) so we’ll see. Yesterday I woke up exhausted and all day felt like I was in a total fog. Then last night I started wondering if there was something more serious causing my extreme exhaustion. Then I started thinking about my poor cats becoming orphans… well, you see how the night went. Thank god for morning. : )

Last night we went to borders and I found a great resource book to write my book… it’s called “the language of the goddess” by Marija Gimbutas. Awesome! I had a dozen mind blowing ideas for my book. But now it’s hard to pick one. Just like my life… so many options that I hate to actually commit to any one of them. I had started thinking it would be a pretty realistic, sort of da vinci code-esque kind of thing. Now I’m thinking about adding some kind of supernatural elements to it. I mean, what’s the fun of fiction if you stick to the world of reality? I dunno. Then we went to check out a gym to join. I think we will. I need something to keep me active in the winter and it’s hard here. I’ve been more active than ever lately and haven’t lost a goddamn pound. I joined a group called peertrainer.com. It’s an online community where people are supposed to inspire you to lose weight.

Putting the finishing touches on my California itinerary. I’m thinking Golden Gate park, Chinatown, SFMOMA (if I can talk J into it), Alcatraz, and ghost tour, and that will probably be all we have time for in SF. I’m excited! Ready to get out of town.

Goig out tonight. More beer and nachos.. so why do you think I’m gaining weight? 

 

 

Just got back from the half day kayaking trip. LOVED IT! It helped that it is the perfect day today… about 75 and breezy. We went out to casco bay and flub dubbed around some islands. It’s so gorgeous and peaceful and I love being on the water (when it’s calm, ha ha). J liked it too. We’re already planning our purchases. : ) I’d love to get a light kayak that I could easily plop on top of the scoobaru and just go somewhere close by. What a great way to spend a beautiful saturday in Maine. Yay!

The concert was interesting. The first 4 or 5 songs were really good. I can appreciate good musicianship even if I don’t particularly like the band. But then it got wicked boring. Had one Guiness. Sobriety continues! Well, you know… moderation or whatever you call it when you don’t get schnockered every night. hee hee.

I’m pooped! Too much sun. Now I am making attempt #2 at becoming a brunette, since the last one didn’t hold. This time I’m just doing it myself. I’m trying L’oreal couleur experte mutli-tonal in Caramel Glaze. For those who can’t figure that out… medium brown dye with harmonizing highlights. 6 minutes till rinse off!

Got a ferret catalog in the mail. They’re so cute!! But so much work. : ( And heartbreak. I sure do miss having those little fellers though.

Not much on the agenda for today… a see a nap in my future (late night last night, early morning tonight), some reading, should do some work in the garden… yeah… so, a nap. Hope you’re enjoying this beautiful beautiful day as much as I am. : )  

It’s what’s for dinner. That and a nice cup of hot cocoa for a cold maine summer. I hope it was as dreary and cold everywhere else as it was here. grrr… 

Anyhoo, I sense my posts are getting negative. Must start practicing my positive thinking again. Manana. Slept for crap last night. But have had a good day today just chillin’. Reading my book. I realized the book I’m reading is by an author I read about  in down east a while ago. I like her writing. It’s kind of depressing because now I feel like my book is total shit. I need a story, man. A real story, not just the fluff I have going on now. Well, I’ll think of something. As much of an imagination as I have, I just don’t really have that talent for the angles… and as suspicious and untrusting a mind as I have, I dont’ have a talent for underhanded plots. Everything seems obvious to me and I can’t think of anything subtle. I need more stuff like that too. 

Rented the good shepherd, which was ok. And Pan’s Labyrinth, whch I liked. 

Anyway, on to important subjects, like my hair. I got it cut (even though I finally got it to a nice long stage that I was happy with), and dyed it brown. She left some red highlights on the top layer and it’s actually kind of cool. I think I’ll have to start wearing red lipstick again though, just to battle the frump factor.

Bought a crimson king norway spruce for the front yard and got it planted yesterday. It looks awesome. And some slug traps to put beer in. They definitely like the beer but I didn’t have anything deep to put it in, so I’m basically just hosting a slug happy hour every day. Haven’t got those in yet. The clover is back in all the places I spent entire weekends removing it from. But I just can’t get out in this weather. Planted a bunch of stuff in the weed garden.

I’ve been doing my weight lifting religiously. Have also programmed cardio into my palm, so right now I have 3 overdo exclamation marks telling me I’m 3 days behind. I’ll just do 4 cardio workouts tomorrow. : ) I don’t feel like getting all sweaty. I don’t feel like moving at all, actually. I feel like laying back on my chair and reading more of my book. I haven’t been this into a book in a long time. I feel sort of gloomy and giddy at the same time. Summer mania combined with dreary weather blues I guess. Sleepy.

 

eek! I hope I like it. Oh well, what the hell. I’m a year older, I’ve made important decisions about my life, I’m ready for a change!

Dreary weather. My stomach has been hurting for days on end. I’m fat. Food tastes like crap, so hopefully that will help me stop eating so much of it. Had a dream I was smoking a cigarette. yummy yummy yummy. : ( Didn’t have a drink last night. Yay! Thought it was the cheap smirnoff that I’ve been drinking that was hurting my stomach, but apparently not.

Went to the new best buy in the neighborhood last night. It’s small, but not very crowded. Usually those places make me want to scream. Never buy stuff there, but managed to find a few things to continue my shopping binge. Bought a $20 boom box so I could do my guided meditations upstairs, and a case and arm band for my ipod nano so I can wear it when I work out.

Came home last night and there’s this disgusting crap all over the lawn. It looks like vomit. There’s a big pile of yellow stuff and then a bunch of piles of red stuff. ??? gross. J thought it was deer vomit from the stuff we put on the shrubs, but that stuff was supposed to be non toxic and I wouldn’t think deer vomit would be red..?

Buttercups are blooming. Turtles are everywhere.

Thinking I want to put hostas on either side of the walkway. I think that will look nice. Well, I’m off to a multi-hour ordeal at the salon. Adios.