Thanks for the fish

about my health problems? really? Sweet because I’m just DYING to talk about them and for some odd reason no one else wants to hear about them.

But first, I guess I must talk about the election. yay!! Let’s just say I’m really happy. Ok, fairly ecstatic. Rather hopeful. Somewhat teary eyed (still). But mostly the whole thing seems totally surreal to me. How could the american people vote for Bush twice and then suddenly do something so wickedly smart? I don’t get it, but I’m thrilled beyond belief. I was also very glad to see my former home state of Virginia finally grant a democart a win (something that never once happened while I lived there). Also, please note that my current home state of Maine voted democrat by a wide margin. Go Maine! I will also say that I didn’t vote along the party lines entirely last night. I voted for Senator Susan Collins, who I think is a fabulous woman, a great leader, and oddly enough, a republican. And one last thing, I think John McCain showed his true colors during his concession speech and frankly, I don’t think Republicans deserve him. I think he was forced to run a dirtier election than he wanted to and I think that really he’s a good man. But I’m glad he lost.

Anyhoo, I’m making homemade vegetable stock tonight. I bought the veggies over the weekend (celery, fennel, carrots, fresh thyme (that smells soooo good), fresh parsley, peppercorns (guess that’s not a vegetable) so I had to use them or lose them. I’m so tired tonight though from staying up last night, so I’m not enjoying the delicious smells as much as I could be.

Ok, now to the fun stuff! Yeah, so my health problems are soooo horrible. ohmigod. But… I’m starting to think they are all caused by too much sugar. I always have a theory. I’ve been waking up at night with these weird feelings…sort of alert, like when you think of something really really important that you forgot to do (like you left your kid at the grocery store or something) and I sit up in bed, except that there is no mental thought attached. J thinks its a panic attack. I think maybe it’s too much sugar, which could be causing my other chronic problems too. Anyway, we upgraded netflix to 3 at a time so now we have to watch a Joseph Campbell thing that I put on the list!

here, Clem. I feel like lately all I do is work. And J works twice as much as we do. He works at least 65-70 hours per week. We don’t make huge salaries that justify this, and it’s starting to seem less like an anomaly and more like the norm. I don’t mind working hard, and I don’t mind being busy when I am at work. But what is starting to bother me is the expectation that this is just the way it is. And now I have a cold, and am still having other health problems, and I really feel like all of this is brought on by work stress.

Isn’t there a better way? In France, aren’t they working 35 hour work weeks, eating good food and drinking nice wine, having great social lives and just being oodles happier? Don’t get me wrong… I love America. I think we have access to a great way of life. But corporate america owns us. And we accept that as the status quo. I’m just getting tired of it.

So my doctor called today and thinks she finally figured out what is wrong with me. Meanwhile, I’ve been treating myself with natural remedies for the wrong thing. Now she wants to give me more antibiotics to kill more things in my body, so more things can grow out of balance. I tend to believe that antibiotics were how I got into this mess in the first place. It’s beyond frustrating and I’m close to being at the end of my rope. I also hate being sick and this little cold could very well kick my ass. However, if I were to look for the silver lining, at least I have a good reason to take Nyquil tonight. I love Nyquil. It’s the only time I actually sleep, but I am very careful to only take it when I get sick. Though I do usually give myself one grace night after I’m pretty much better. : )

I made some applesauce last night with the apples we picked a few weeks ago. It was really good. It takes like apple pie without the crust. I made a triple recipe, which made 3 jars. I didn’t bother pressure canning them, because I knew I would eat them soon enough. This week I plan on donig more and actually getting them canned properly. I may add a little less sugar to the next batch though.

What else? I want to say something positive before I sign off… Well, our ballroom dancing lessons are going well. We absolutely suck at the merengue, but it’s super fun. We giggle the whole time and I’m sure get on everyone else’s nerves. But my feeling is that it’s better to get on people’s nerves for being too happy rather than too angry.

It’s starting to get cold so I have the propane fireplace on, which doesn’t do me much good when I’m not in the living room. So, I’m going to read “French Women Don’t Get Fat” (since obviously American women do, especially as winter starts setting in) and trying to figure out how to write something for work that doesn’t totally SUCK. Then, I’m going to take my Nyquil and go to bed earlier than is seemly.

that it looks like I’m spending an inordinate amount of time blogging lately, and this would be true, but my theory is that blogging is writing, so at least I’m getting some writing practice in, right? My other blog is a challenge because people I know might acutally read it, and therefore I feel like I have to make it look like my life is interesting and that I have no problems. Which of course is total bullshit. But in the grand scheme of things, life is good. Let’s see if I can think of 5 good things:

1) Went shooting this morning with my piano teacher. It was fun, but even cooler than shooting guns was having someone to do it with. I’m not a social butterfly. I have work friends and email friends and the occasional friend here and there to see when I’m visiting a certain place. But doing stuff on the weekends with someone other than my husband or my in-laws, or work people (in a group) is highly unusual. So that was cool.

2) Ballroom dancing. We had our first lesson this afternoon and whoo-ee it was FUN! J is generally pretty quiet and stoic, but in the right setting he really can loosen up and we had a boatload of fun. Besides, I think I wasn’t half bad. Unfortunately we have to miss next week so I hope we don’t get lost and behind.

3) Gorgeous fall days like today with fields of wildflowers in bloom and small town festivals (even if I don’t go to them) and just generally loving where I am right now.

4) Gaziliioons of green tomatoes to cook with. Green tomatoes? yeah… I was afraid of a frost and basically wanted to get the garden dismantled so I picked them all. I do love a challenge in the kitchen. I’m making Fried Green Tomatoes Parmesan…basically eggplant parmesan but with friend green tomoates. It’ll be ready in 10 minutes so I’ll let you know!

5) My health. Ok, I’m still suffering from some unknown uncomfortable condition in my private parts, but I have faith that it’s nothing serious, or at least nothing that will kill me. I’ll eventually figure it out, and probably the worst thing that can happen is that I’ll become infrertile. And let’s face it, I probably wasn’t having kids anyway. Though I do have the occasional panic attack at 3 am when I’m convinced I have ovarian cancer. Guess I’ll call my doctor AGAIN on Monday and try to get in.

since I hate to complain about my health here (do I?) I probably won’t have much to talk about. I’m feeling rough and I’m a horrible sick person. I’m self-diagnosing and self-treating so hopefully I’m doing it correctly and will be back to feeling good by the end of the long weekend. In the meantime, I guess it’s not so bad being laid-up. I just finished an excellent book called “excellent women” by Barbara Pym. My mom found it somewhere and loved it, then my dad read it and loved it. Then I read and loved it. It’s the first book I’ve read all summer that I’ve really loved. I wonder how that happens.It was just a very comfortable book…like an old friend. How’s that for a cliche.

Sooo… what do we think about this VP pick? Oh aren’t the democrats mad?! I sort of snicker smugly to myself because as much as I will never vote for John McCain and as much as it pains me to see a bright woman who doesn’t support women’s reproductive rights, I still love to see a woman (who is not a wife) be standing up there with him. I have to admit that Hillary losing was a blow to me. I would love to see a black man be president and I’d love to see a woman be president, and I never thought I would see it in my lifetime (guess I still might not, but worst case scenario I will at least see a woman vp), but it seems a shame that one had to knock the other out. I guses I’m a little depressed about it when I think about it, but in my current state (sitting here in my bathrobe and feeling absolutely pathetic) I’m pretty much depressed about everything. Not in the mental health definition of the word…just feeling a little bit like things could have worked out a bit better. But didnt’.

I don’t think I slept at all last night. But to make myself feel a little better, I did stick to my plan today of having: no more than 4 cigarettes, no more than 1 diet coke, and no more 1 alcoholic beverage. In fact, I had no alcoholic beverage, mostly because I had nothing at home except the bourbon, and that really calls for a desperate situation more desperate than the current one. I tried to get the hubby to go out to the local gas station quicky mart for red wine and ben & jerry’s, and for a minute I thought he would actually do it (that shows how pathetic I really must seem). And I think he even really would have done it if I had pressed him to.

I brought work home to do this weekend. I’ve actually reached the point of feeling stressed out just thinking about work. Usually I can leave it at work. So I won’t think about it right now. Good plan, and good night.

at the hands of ginger pear mojitos and maple sugar liqueur. There were bacon cheeseburgers involved too. And whoopie pies. It hurts a little now (my tummy). I’m watching my brand new team, the red sox, on TV for the first time. I’m not a complete baseball virgin as my sisters went through a baseball phase when I was in high school, so I do actually understand the game. I just need to figure out the players and stuff. My sister in law and I were both were our Red Sox shirts. I liked hers better. They just tied the game up. OH whoops, no they didn’t. Nevermind. It would help if I actually watched it.

Saw a bird mite when i was at my mother in law’s house but I didnt’ tell her because I thought it would be rude.

Well, I’m reading this book called Everyman, by Philip Roth and it’s an utterly depressing book about a guy who dies at teh begining and then it goes through his whole life detailing all of his medical complaints. And since I started reading it, everything has started hurting and now I’m convinced I have breast cancer and I am dying. IN addition, I’m in a total funk, totally depressed, and have started (again) wanting everything I don’t have, and not wanting anything I do have (yes, I’m talking mostly about people). Thinking about peopel (person)  I haven’t thought about in a long time, and iwth some new ones (one) too. I have psychological problems.

Well, I have to watch the game and look for bird mites.

Yes… we just got back from seeing Kung Fu Panda (J’s idea) and I am inspired. Follow your destiny, panda!

I was on a big kick last year about synchronicity, and coincidence, and destiny, etc. etc. etc. I guess I’m getting back on that kick. Have you heard of this The Secret thing? It seems a little strange, but the premise is that through the Law of Attraction, you bring into your life whatever you are thinking of. So, think positive things, get positive things. I didn’t read it, I just watched the synopsis on YouTube. Well, it may be a bunch of hooey, but certainly positive thinking can’t be too harmful. So combined with the Kung Fu Panda message, I have decided that it’s time I put some long held wishes into action. Time to get focused on my yet-to-be-written book once again. And yet, the plot still eludes me. So I’ve decided that even if I don’t write every day, I will at least dedicate some space in my rambling for some book brainstomring. It may not make any sense to you, but bear with me.

So, first, I need to think of a reason for writing this book… a message that I want to send out. First, let’s explore the themes in Kung Fu Panda, as well as the story arc. : ) The movie starts with a panda having a dream about being a kung fu fighter. He wakes up and is disappointed to find out that he is still at home, working in his father’s restaurant. His father wants him to take his place, but the panda wants to be a kung fu figher. Conflict!

Then, it’s announced that they are searching for the dragon warrior, the one who will protect the village from the villain (forgot his name). There are 5 warriors who are shoe-ins and they are the pandas heroes. He goes to watch and by a freak accident gets chosen himself as the dragon warrior. End of Act 1.

He is fat and out of shape and no one has faith in him, but he doesn’t quit because even if it’s unlikely, he’s happier to be bad at kung fu rather than good at making noodles. The 5 warriors and their master try to get rid of him and eventually nearly succeed. The master finally realizes it is the panda’s destiny and decides to help him, using his unique strengths to train him (food as a reward). The villain escapes and the panda runs away, convinced he has no special power to stop him. Then, with the help of his father, he realizes that there is no special ingredient to the noodles or to life. But by believing something is special, it makes it special. He goes back to defeat the viallin - end of act 2.

He defeats the villiain, who is still searching for something outside of himself, while the panda is confident in himself. That’s the power that wins.

So the themes are: be yourself, follow your destiny, you can be anything you want, but you can’t control things outside of yourself. And live in the present.

Good themes. I like them! I am particularly drawn to the idea of following your desinty and how life gives you what you need if you ask for it. How to turn that into a plot, I don’t know yet. But I’ll keep thinking about it.

Having an O’Doul’s tonight. I’ve rather gotten to like them. Also had a salad for dinner. I’m on a roll!

Driving home, I noticed that wonderful thing… that glorious sign of summer…that harbinger of all things sweet and juicy was out… the “Strawberries U-Pick” sign!! Painted in red on a white background in stenciled letters and an arrow pointing toward the river. Yay! Seems a little early and I was hoping they woudl be picking while my sister is here, but whatever. We’ll probably get out there this Saturday adn sometime next week because I WON’T BE WORKING… bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha. Anyhoo, I also picked the first lettuce from the garden tonight to have on a delicious black bean burger wrap with avocado and cheese. yum.

Well, I’m halfway through my no-drinking month. I’m doing ok. I would like to say that today was a turning point, but I still thought a glass of red wine would be really nice for this yucky rainy day. It’s really amazing how every day I can find a different reason to want a drink. But I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s certainly a test of will, and saying “no” to myself is very hard for me. I would’ve thought that I would’ve lost weight though, and also I thought I would feel oodles better. But tonight I did some weight lifting and some stretching and maybe that helped with stress a bit. I couldnt’ honestly tell you what I’m so stressed about or why I feel so tense and irritable all the time, but I’m starting to think it’s just my personality. : )

Went for a brief walk at lunch time and it was 99.9 % humidity, so I had what basically amounts to an afro when I got back to the office. But I read in prevention magazine that 17 minutes of walking a day is enough to significantly reduce your risk of heart disease. So at teh very least, you’d think I could do 17 minutes a day, right? I think the key with me is to just get in the habit of doing somethign and then I can pump it up later.

Last night I took my aggression out in the kitchen and cooked like mad. I made homemade crab cakes, pasta and bean salad, and oatmeal cookies. Crab cakes are gone, cookies are gone… lots and lots o’ salad left. Guess I’ll be bringing that to lunch for the next month.

Oh! I also went to lumosity.com last night to see if quitting drinking has made me any smarter… the short answer is “no.” doh! why am I torturing myself again?

Stella d’oro daylillies are bloomign and my roses are going crazy, but it’s rainy and I’m never home so I feel like I’m neglecting them. I shoudl get out and prune the roses but every year I have to look up how to do it and I haven’t done that yet. hmm… I think I’ll make myself a hot chocolate and then curl up with “the botany of desire.” I still think that is the absolutey best title a book could ever have. I’ve been carpooling with J and he listens to books on tape. Today we listened to one called “the jesus dynasty.” It’s kind of interesting. I’m not sure why J is all of a sudden fascinated by religion. He has his nose in a book constantly. I guess it’s better than having his nose somewhere else, so I guess I’ll shut up now.

If it was a good idea to give up drinking and smoking at the same time. I was sitting at my desk today and I realized I could feel my pulse in my neck tick tocking away and it seemed a bit fast. Now I’m a pretty mellow person and I usually have a very low pulse, low blood pressure, etc. So I took my pulse and it was 80, which seems really high for me. Then I noticed that I felt a bit light headed. Then add to that the fact that I’ve had major intestinal issues for the last two days, and wait, I’m getting a headache! And a sore throat. And my muscles hurt (ok, that’s from kayaking). So I guess any of these could be caused by diet coke, or else they could be withdrawal symptoms of either nicotine or alcohol. I don’t care though, I’m persevering.
Oh, I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I got a standing work station installed at work. I work in a cubicle and before I just had the standard set up, but at my company they offer standing stations where you can stand as well as sit. It’s pretty cool. The desk is really high and there is a stool so you can sit too. I think it’s actually more comfortable for sitting than my other one because I’m tall and it was hard to fit my legs under the desk otherwise. The problem is that I don’t really stand very often. I clocked it today and it was about 30 minutes for the whole day. But it’s nice to have the option. And if I hadn’t been so lightheaded, I would’ve tried it for longer. My goal is to get to at least 10 minutes of standing every hour. Really, they recommend you stand half the time. I find I can be pretty productive when I stand.
I actually got invited to a white water rafting trip by one of the coworkers I really made an ass in front of last week. I’m shocked anyone is still talking to me, much less asking me to do stuff. But that’s cool. I hope to be able to redeem myself. First, I need to get my self esteem out of the gutter. I just walk the hallways in shame and try not to make eye contact with anyone. I don’t think that’s helping anything.
Off to my writing group. Maybe they can help me write my “book in a month”!

that is not a song. I was just reading my own blog for kicks… gosh I’m funny. I do like how blog.com rearranged the tags so the things I tag often are big. It shows at a glance what I like to talk about: books, food, garden, dreams, music, nature, piano, travel, vacation, work, and writing. That about sums it up, huh? I need to start tagging better. Shocked “martinis” didnt’ make the cut. : )

Anyhoo… we were going to go for a walk around Back Cove but the parking was horrible. Eventually I got fed up with the fact that I was driving around looking for parking so I could go for a damn walk. The ironies of city life. So I was pulling out to drive home and just go for a walk in the country and drove right by our gym, so what the hell. I’m paying $20 a month (I know.. cheap, right??) so we just went there. I did the stair climber. It’s like actual stairs, not the kind where you just step step step. I like it because it’s pretty low impact and you don’t huff and puff, but you sure sweat like crazy. God was I red and wet by the end. But I felt good.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday. Apparently my Giant Papilar Conjunctivitis (I don’t know how to spell that) is 60% better. So hopefully two more weeks in these coke bottles and I can go back to contacts. I just feel ugly and homely with glasses. I like wearing them sometimes but everyday is too much. My designer, high-def glasses are still not in, so it’s the same boring pair every day. My eyes are really the only good feature on my face, so it’s a shame to hide them (she says modestly). I’ve been eating less.. substituting ice cream for lunch on many days of the week. I guess I just need less food in the summer. The weather has been gorgeous. Bought a new pair of shoes today because my sandals broke at work.

Oh… I just have to share a few funny stories. Ok, we all know I’m boy/man crazy. I love men, and when I’m near a cute one, I turn into a complete clutz. At work, I always seem to lose my shoe when a cute guy is around (am I wearing shoes that are too big??). So while I was in California (forgive me if I’ve already told this story), I was at the hotel killing time before I had to go to the airport since I thought (rightly so) that the hotel woudl be more comfortable.. so I got a Heineken and a slice of pizza at the little cafe and this adorable young guy was flirting with me (ok some might say he was just friendly but I got all flustered) so I grab my beer and my pizza and sit down at a table and promptly spill my beer all over the table. doh! So suave. So cool I am a maneater. I do this shit all the time. Will I ever grow out of it?

Well, time for a shower. Then I need to start getting ready for my next trip. Taking Friday off and heading to Virginia for teh weekend. Will see my sisters, my nephew, my sister’s new condo, my friend A… My poor sister U, she just put her cat to sleep maybe 3 weeks ago, then this weekend they had to put their golden retriever down. : ( How sad. It sucks… She’s under a lot of stress and has a baby and a job and a husband who doesn’t seem to do too much.

One more story and I’m going. My mother called last night and I wasn’t really in the mood to talk. Now I love my mom but she’s very anti-kid and she’s said things to me like “The third child was a mistake” (I’m the third child by the way) and “If I could’ve put my kids back (in the womb?) I would have.” Ok, mom, I get the point. And those are direct quotes. I mean, whatever, I don’t care, but it does seem a bit hurtful but I just let it go. So she says to me last night “Just because I say those things doesn’t mean I didn’t love you” blah balh balh… somehow apologizing for it just made me more pissed off. But now I feel bad and mother’s day is coming up and I need to get her something. And NO I don’t blame my parents for all or any of my problems… just telling a story. : )

at last. Boy is traveling hell. Yesterday I checked out of my hotel at noon and then, well, I didn’t have another moment alone..um…since! I took the red eye home, which meant waiting around all day after the conference to go to the airport, then waiting for the plane (with many crying kids), flying 6 hours to NY, waiting 3 hours for a layover, ok by now I really SMELL, then an hour home to Portland, an hour home to B-ham, and then a hot shower and goodbye smell. But I’m home, I got about a half hour sleep last night, and now I’m staying up by drinking wine. Seems counterintuitive but it seems to be working.

Well, first, the conference was awesome. I’m inspired. I have found my life’s purpose. Save lives by writing to people in a way they understand. It’s a fucking tragedy what people suffer needlessly because they don’t understand their health information. So… first, I’m on a crusade at work Second… I’ve often thought of voluntenteering, but as I’m essentially a totally selfish person, I never really get around to it. But one place I’ve bookmarked online is this literacy program where they train you to be a literacy tutor. Now this fits in perfectly for me… I love to read, I love to write, I want to help. I look at this webiste probably once every 3 months and nevery do anything about it. But I really am starting to think that this is my calling. I’ve always been drawn to non-profit work… helping people.. but of course I want to be brilliant and rich too, so it’s a big conundrum. But yeah, I think I will go ahead and do that, especially since my writing group.. I’m not sure how well that’s going to work out, unfortuantely. I do really belive that life leads you where you need to go… where you are in need. of course I still think I have a best selling novel in me, but maybe I can save a few lives too.

Anyhoo… yeah travelling sucks, and I am horrible at social interaction. Two conclusions from th week. But I want to talk about movies. We rented “Fracture” tonight. First, Ryan Gosling is a cutie petootie. Yum. I’m really into this nice compact little guys lately. yummy yummy. And oh that arrogant attitude! That’s new for me, but .. umm.. Ok, so not just because I suddently have a huge crush on this guy,, but he did a really phenomenal job acting (ok, at least very very good) and there were lots of good actors/actresses in this film, but the screenwritnig is the usual pile of john grisham garbage. Ok, not even as good as john grisham. You know what I mean.. that formulaic bullshit that requires some blonde piece of ass in the plot whether it’s relevant or not. Rosamund Pike was horrible in it… totally unconvincing blonde piece of ass with an awful american accent. But mostly it was bad writing. Why do good actors like anthony hopikins have to be subjected to this? We can do better.. hell I could do better!

I’m reading Wicked… which is a story about how the wicked witch of the west in the wizard of oz (wow… lots of W’s ….ok side note I’ve had a half hour of sleep in the last 48 hours so if this doesn’t make sense, keep that in mind). And I think I said before that that was cheating, but this guy… wow… his use of description is amazing. His imaginiation… I’m blown away… the character development I’m not sure about. All the female characters (except the wicked witch) are pretty much the same) but his description of scenery, magical places is insane. I know.. .always a critic, right? My biggest fault as a writer, other than not being able to think of a plot, is that I’m not great at descriptions. I think I’m pretty good at character development, ok at dialogue, but if I had to describe why i felt elation at the sight of a majestic beech tree.. I dont’ know what I’d say… “um, the leaves are green… yadda yadda yadda yadday. ” so this guy blows me away, but don’t they all? They discourage me. : ) But I love to read them. I do recommend the book.. it’s long, and even after hours and hours of endless waiting in airports, I still haven’t finished it.

Next topic, health. So the conference I went to was about health. Did you knwo that 66% of american people are obese. Now, I used to think I was a big fat cow. My doctor assures me I am ok. They say you shoudl be a bmi of under 25. I’m a 24 or 25, so I’m at the high end, and that’s pretty apparent. But let me tell you… spend a few hours at an airport and you’ll feel like a goddamn supermodel. People are fat! Lots of them! Kids even… I mean, it makes me feel better about myself and all, but it’s not a good thing. NOt good at all. Okey dokey, I’m rambling. la la la.