Thanks for the fish

oh how I’ve missed you! I’m in a pms-y, depressed, wanton mood tonight and am therefore burying my sorrows in red wine. However, I would like to say something worthwhile here since I feel like I don’t do that very often. Unfortunately I don’t know what that would be. So in leui of that, I will complain about my coworker, A.

A is a very nice guy, who is much younger than me and perhaps I’m at a point in my life where I’ve lost touch with the younger generation. He drives me absolutely insane. We both work for the same boss whose definition of “management” is indeed very loose. In other words, we’re on our own. So there is a project that no one is in charge of (like many other projects in our department), and A somehow became the defacto leader. I know I should cut him some slack since he’s only 26, but come ON. So he calls a meeting today, books the meeting room wrong so we’re all wandering around aimlessly (there was also free ice cream involved so that distracted everyone even more), we finally get in a room and he has no agenda. So we sit there and stare at each other (4 of us). Finally I take over teh meeting (for the 2nd time in a week with him) just so something gets done. Instead of actually talking about work that we have control over, he likes to think of how we can do something better than other departments and how we can “guide” those other departments into doing what we want. Dude… not gonna happen. I have nearly screamed at him a dozen times in the last 2 weeks: JUST DO IT! Do your damn job. Not mine (has been a problem in the past), not anyone else’s. Just yours. And stop asking qusetions you meddling youngster! ARGGHHH.

Other than that, there are way too many cute guys in my workplace that make me wish I was young, good looking, and single. (biting my fist). SIGH! Why do I have to be old and married? WHY ME???

Ok, pity party is over. What now? hmm… I really think I have a gene that predisposes me to want men more than your average bear. Do you think that’s possible? I think this a subject worthy of exploring. Perhaps with a tight bodied Italian. Anyhoo… time for piano practice! And writing! And red wine drinking (3/4 of a bottle to go!) My sinuses hurt already.

at the hands of ginger pear mojitos and maple sugar liqueur. There were bacon cheeseburgers involved too. And whoopie pies. It hurts a little now (my tummy). I’m watching my brand new team, the red sox, on TV for the first time. I’m not a complete baseball virgin as my sisters went through a baseball phase when I was in high school, so I do actually understand the game. I just need to figure out the players and stuff. My sister in law and I were both were our Red Sox shirts. I liked hers better. They just tied the game up. OH whoops, no they didn’t. Nevermind. It would help if I actually watched it.

Saw a bird mite when i was at my mother in law’s house but I didnt’ tell her because I thought it would be rude.

Well, I’m reading this book called Everyman, by Philip Roth and it’s an utterly depressing book about a guy who dies at teh begining and then it goes through his whole life detailing all of his medical complaints. And since I started reading it, everything has started hurting and now I’m convinced I have breast cancer and I am dying. IN addition, I’m in a total funk, totally depressed, and have started (again) wanting everything I don’t have, and not wanting anything I do have (yes, I’m talking mostly about people). Thinking about peopel (person)  I haven’t thought about in a long time, and iwth some new ones (one) too. I have psychological problems.

Well, I have to watch the game and look for bird mites.

Had sort of a crappy day at work. It wasn’t so bad, but I got that feeling a few times…you know that high blood pressure feeling where you want to rip somebody’s head off? Ever get that? But I took a deep breath, resorted to short sentences and turning my head, and then just blocked people out. I don’t even have pms, which leads me to believe that people are just irritating. But what can you do? I’m in a bit of a spot because I’ve told people over and over again how NOT to irritate me but they don’t seem to be paying attention, so that’s it. I just can’t let it bother me. Part of what bothers me is that I think maybe I’m not that good at my job. I know I’m good at parts of it, but I’m not great at everything (who is, right?) so that bothers me too. But all I can do is to do the best I can do and let the rest roll off my back.

But I’m not at work anymore so fuck that. I wanted to talk about girlfriends I love love love. I mentioned my friend J last night. I haven’t seen her or even talked to her since Xmas. She has 2 young kids so is obviously pretty busy. I kept thinking about her lately but never called. Then I went down to VA a few weeks ago and didn’t see her just because I didn’t have time. But she called last night and we always have a good time talking. I feel like I have aquaintainces but no real friends, but when I talk to her I do legitimately feel like she is a friend. We laugh a lot and tell the truth and just kind of enjoy our conversations. We talk about football and kids and husbands and times gone by when we were young and all the people we used to know. I also tried to talk her into coming to visit me. Her husband travels all the time so I think it would be nice for her. I haven’t told J yet because I’m not sure he’d be too thrilled to have 2 young kids stay with us…

Then my sister-in-law J is also in town and she’s really funny. She can get on my nerves but when she decides to be nice, I liker her a lot. Her and her boyfriend came over last night and we talked a lot, so I got lots of talking in (for me). Tonight I’m supposed to go up and get my birthday present from her since she’s staying at my mother in law’s house. There is some family drama going on. Her brother (and J’s) got divorced and nobody really knows the story (I assume his wife found a better gig) but now my mother in law, who was always hard on the wife, is her best friend. And my 17 year old niece is dating a 19 year old navy guy and going off to college in OK (where he is based) and everyone seems ok with that. I mean, I was young once and all and we’ll do what we want to do… but I just feel like my dad would’ve given me a much harder time. But then i think maybe it’s just one of those things where people (me) are threatened by a new person coming into the group (the boyfriend) but that’s silly because I never even hang out with the family.

In that vein though, some people are very territorial. I guess I am too. Is it female thing? My friend D is like that. She doesn’t want to give up control, or information.. she’s reluctantly accepted me and A into the group but there’s another girl (who I admit can be a bit annoying) who she just wont’ allow in. I feel bad because god knows I’ve been that girl. But I have a bad bad habit in my life of acting just like other annoying girls when I have friends, and then cursing them when I’m the one on the outs. It’s a conundrum. But I was pissed off at everyone today so I can’t say I was part of any group dynamic at all. Sometimes I’m ok with that.

Well, I’ve pigged out on crackers full of high fructose corn syrup and partially hydrogenated oil and tons of calories. WE were going to go to the gym but I left my workout clothes at work. I remembered as soon as I walked out, but since I left without saying goodbye to anyone (rather rudely) I didn’t want to go back. Then I didn’t even go for a walk when I got home. Oh well.

I’ve been fantasizing about my garden at night instead of about cute boys, so you know summer has finally reached Maine. I still notice the cute boys and they seem cuter than ever, but I can’t be bothered with that. Not when there is weeding and mulching and planting to plan.

I finally remembered my dream from teh other night. i went to a movie theater - I think with my coworker A. It was in Maryland at a place called White Flint Mall, which is a real place, but not really the place in my dreams. We walk in and it turns otu that they have to bus us to antoher theater. I sort of lose interest in being with A and just get on the bus by myself wondering where we are going. It seems a little effed up. Then I realize they are just taking us across the parking lot to another part of the mall, which is newer with tons of restaurants and every imaginable thing. Then I’m in my old car - my old green hyundai accent that I called “the green bullet” loved that car. Then since I’m in my car, I don’t want to go to the movie anymore. Then (graphic details coming up - fair warning!) I got really horny and decide to masterbate in my car. tee hee.

On that note, I’m off to get my birthday present, stomach cramps and all.

for a pair of pants that looks good on my weird ass body. I’ve already tried on every pair of pants in the women’s department at Macy’s. Then I hit the eddie bauer outlet and the gap, now I’m just online shopping. Ordered 3 pairs from Eddie Bauer. I really like the look of straight legged pants, you know the kind that is made for women with no shape… Fortunately it finally dawned on me that I have shape, and a whole helluva lot of it. I’ve noticed a lot of retailers are marketing things toward “curvy” women, which is good. Now I’m not going to make any blanket statements over what is good or bad for a woman to look like.. because I have and do know women who would like more curves. Let’s face it, we can’t have it all. I’ve got boobs and an hourglass figure, but I also have cellulite and a saggy butt. So be it. Even with 10 or so extra pounds, I get away with skirts and high heels pretty well, but when it comes to pants, I just look like a frump with a saggy ass.

But I got my first shipment of pants from my online binge. This one from Eddie Bauer. They are work pants, a little frumpy, but they are soooo comfy, that I’m keeping one pair and sending back 2 pairs. My next shipment is coming from Banana republic, but I have a feeling they’re not going to fit. Just as well as I could use the $250 credit on my credit card bill. Where can I try next? If I can find a pair of pants that really looked good on me, I’d pay a lot of money. But I can’t think of anywhere else to try.

The weight loss war began today. We’ve decided on 8 pounds. I did pretty good today. But now there is some red wine and yogurt covered pretzels involved… I have a total chick weekend planned. Exciting! I’ve got Jane Austen Book Club and Atonement lined up for my DVD viewing pleasure… along with the remainder of the Mists of Avalon. Other than that, I have no plans except sleeping in.

Some snow has melted, revealing parts of the garden I haven’t seen since late fall (did I say taht last night?). The two crocuses that I can see have some pale yellow buds on them. There were 2 deer out there this morning, which means it must be time to spray some Liquid Fence on my bushes. Last spring they devoured my puff ball bush and some junipers before I realized what was happening. Puff ball got butchered by the snow, but I have high hopes for her. I think it is a type of chaemocyparis (however you spell that). so cute! I never even cut back my perennials in teh fall because we had such an early snowfall and it never went away. It would be nice if it were warm and sunny this weekend, but it still feels like winter here, as depressing as that is.

I’m throwing a bridal shower for my friend at work and have to plan it. It’s stressful. I don’t like doing things like that. Too much pressure. Basically I don’t like doing anything where other people are involved. Still no cute guys at work. Where did they go? It’s depressing when no cute guy smiles at you in the course of an entire day. Or week. Maybe I can get my husband to smile at me. Hey! Hey you! Over here! YOoooooo hooooo! He’s playing with his new macro lens for his camera. My eyes hurt. Actually they have hurt for 2 months now. Ramble ramble ramble. Time for a movie… tonight is “no country for old men.”

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so emotionally unavailable? Why? I mean, it’s not like I want to sit around and talk about my emotions all the fucking time or anything, but god…they are such conflict avoiders. People just can’t communicate. I used to think it was me, but it’s not. I mean, it’s me too. But then I try to be honest and open and people hate it!! I think I have a book called “Emotional Intelligence” around here somewhere and I’m going to read it because I honestly don’t know if I’m the weird, if everyone else is maladjusted or what. Anyway. Whatever. I feel pretty good today. I wrote a song. For me, that’s probably the best way to go. I see why Patty and Lucinda became songwriters. Because no men would listen to them. My song is called “Shooting stars in a dark field.” I have the lyrics, but I dont’ have the melody and stuff. I’ll work on that tongiht. It’s Friday!! Getting my hair cut tomorrow…badly needed. It’s a big frizz ball. And taking the cats to the vet.

I ordered 2 dresses from nordstrom.com for my work holiday party.

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2943519/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=3

http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/2952494/0~2376776~2374327~2374331~6001765~6001766?mediumthumbnail=Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6001766&P=19

Love em! Buying dresses makes me happy. Jesus I’m tired.

Ok… now I know all I talk about here is synchronicity, synchronicity, synchronicity (say that 7 times fast), but this one is just plain weird. My trusty dusty book does tell me, though, that the more you pay attention, the more synchonous things will happen. Case in point…

I have a friend at work who I have this weird psychic connection with. I can read her mind. I’ve talked about that before here, I think. Just for background… we had both talked about going on this music cruise that has patty griffin (who I love) and John Hiatt (who she loves). So, as we were talking about this I went on and on about how much I loved Patty and how I was going to stalk her on the cruise. My friend didn’t know who Patty was though and had never heard her songs.

Last week, I got a comment on this blog (hi mary!) about Patty and how our fellow blogger, Mary, had used Patty’s song “Heavenly Day” at her son’s wedding for a mother/son song. Now, Patty griffin is not exactly mainstream, so the fact that a fellow Patty fan would stumble across this blog is weird in itself. Now, this morning, my friend came in to work and said she heard the coolest song on the radio and she had never heard it before but as she was listening to it thought that it sounded like something I would like, and she was convinced it was patty griffin. She said the name of the song was Heavenly Day! Weird. Then, she said she was thinking about using it as her wedding song (she’s getting married next June)… weird… 2 weddings…same song. Then, I told her that Patty wrote that song about her dog. My friend almost started crying, because (I had forgot abou this when I told her) but she has been really depressed about a dog that she loved and lost about a year ago, but had been thinking about the dog a lot and had been thinking about a way of including his picture or something in her wedding… see how it all comes together??

Anyway, I think that’s pretty synchronous. I think all this stuff is trying to tell me something about my life too. I think what it is trying to tell me is that I need to focus on more feminine influences in my life. I have spent way too much of life looking to men to teach me something insightful. And you know what? All they’ve taught me is that I don’t really need them. No offense to J, who I truly love. But seriously, I rely on men for my self esteem and excitement, and I think they have something to give me, and I’m just not sure anymore. I think maybe it’s time I focused on some female frienships and see what I learn from them.

Speaking of men, though. Saturday is the 10th anniversary of my very first contact with J. : ) And in another month will be our 3rd wedding anniversary. I got him a Dwight Shrute (from the Office) bobblehead doll. We’ll be in California on vacation on our actual anniverary, so hopefully he will do something nice (I’ve been heavily hinting). Last year, he got me the most fabulous Diane Von Furstenberg sexy red dress for a present. I actually tried it on yesterday morning just for kicks. It’s, by far, the best thing I own. I’ve only worn it twice but I’m brining it to California with me and am damn well going to find an excuse to wear it!

What else? My sister’s coming tomorrow and I’m excited. Oh, and I got the program from this earth friendly summit I’m going to present at. It looks awesome! I’m really excited to be a part of it, despite the fact that I’m the aboslute worst public speaker in the history of the world! I don’t care… I am conquering fear and am going to live my life from now on.  Yeah, I’m a little pumped up. : )

Oh.. I was going to wrap this up, but I just have to say, despite my failure in the kitchen the other night, I made a fabulous dinner tonight of kielbasa, fresh potatoes, and onions. Oh…my…god. Yum!