Thanks for the fish

Just as we were getting used to coming and going from the front door again, I noticed that there was a penthouse suite added to the existing, now empty robin’s nest. Yes, the kids grew up and left mama and daddy with empty nest syndrome. So I guess they decided to try again. I made a point to be around in the garden and to linger by the front door, watering my new fuschia plant, trying to discourage a robin retirement community on my front stoop. To no avail. Today, there is a little blue egg in the nest. sigh… : ) Ok, I’m kind of pleased actually. More grandrobins! See? Who said I didn’t have a maternal instinct?

Boy am I grumpy. Acid reflux, PMS, lack of sleep but mostly just irritating people. I think I may have to take a day off tomorrow just as a mental health day. I hate to burn a day of vacation, but it’s for everyone’s good. But I’m at home now, with my chocolate chips and my Heiney, making a (hopefully) fabulous meal of Indian chicken and vegetables. The chicken’s been in the freezer for 6 months so hopefully it won’t be freezer burned. I’m telling you…without work my life would be 100% perfect. Seriously.

Trying to decide on vacation. I want to go to Spain/Morocco and J is still sort of set on  Greece. I’m actually ok with that too. Could also do Germany/Switzerland or Prague/Budapest. Would love to do Turkey as well but the tour company we’ve decided on doesn’t have one of the appropriate length. I’ve been socking away money so we should be able to do this thing next spring. I have an uncomfortable amount of savings right now and I am torn between spending recklessly or opening a Roth IRA. I suppose I”ll do the IRA since I’m BORING. : ) But maybe I’ll go buy some sexy panties too, who knows?

It rained today, thank god. It’s been wicked dry and I’m sick of going out and watering the plants! My corn hasn’t come up yet…too cold and too dry I think. Last year the conditions must’ve been perfect. We got tons of corn, no problem, no hassle, no work. Not sure if that’s normal or not. Probably not. I’m up to my ears in lettuce, but it’s all good. Summer is just so damn great. I love it. : )

1. Pumpkin spice lattes from starbucks
2. Hot chocolate (with or without enhancements of the alcoholic kind)
3. Red wine
4. An excuse to look like a badass in my leather jacket
5. An excuse to wear leather boots
6. Brisk air that makes me think that anything in the world is possible
7. Beautiful fall colors along the highway on the way to work
8. Squash soup
9. An excuse to pile on the blankets at night, which somehow just makes me sleep better
10. An excuse to turn on the fireplace and take naps on the couch.

Tonight was my anniversary and J sent me a dozen long stem red roses. Normally he sends me daisies or something, but I think he felt bad since I reminded him that he got me NOTHING last year and I got him a $250 gps system. : ) Then he took me out to the local brew pub (aren’t I high maintenance) for dinner. I had fettucini alfredo with chicken and broccoli. I read that you should get 3 servings a week of cruciferous vegetables in, so I figured what better way than covered with butter and cream and pasta. And a few glasses of pinot noir. Then we went grocery shopping and I stocked up on fall necessities like Wolfgang Puck Vegetable Broth (necessary for that squash soup), and 4 quarts of canned whole tomatoes (for lentil soup), a bag of tomatoes (for both) and 3 giant garlics. I’ve been trying some natural remedies for my ongoing “female problems.” Dr. Weil says to swallow a clove of raw garlic a day… so I did! I also bought some stuff at the hippie fair that has garlic and some other stuff in it. I thought I was feeling better for a few days but now I feel like I have a urinary tract infection. Isn’t it funny (not funny ha ha) how sometimes we go through these stages of being totally f-ed up an unhealthy, and then you’ll heal and forget all about it. I hope to get to that point again soon.

Work kind of sucks. Oh… moment of synchronicity or something yesterday. I was looking at condos in Portland yesterday. I have a longing to have a place in the city (and keep my place in the country) and so was just looking around on realtor.com. I found a gorgeous 1 bedroom in an awesome location (right by our favorite japanese restaurant) for $187K or something like that, which seems cheap to me (yet also totally unrealistic given our current situation). but I wanted it so bad so I even started a document with a list “what I want” and “how I’m going to get it.” How can I make another $800-$1200 more a month to pay this mortgage? No clue. Then… I had my first French class and I was walking out with the instructor and I happened to mention to her that I was a writer. She happened to mention that she had a few magazines that she runs and was looking for writers. The whole thing was just so easy and effortless. Well, I checked out her magazines and they aren’t the kind of thing that I’m going to get rich on, but I thought… ok, I sent a question out to the unvierse and maybe it didn’t put me on the entrance ramp to the highway of my dreams, but maybe it showed me a sign “highway 2 miles ahead.” You know? I can write, I have plenty of time, why not start submitting to magazines? Can I make $1200 a month? Don’t know. Will it be a lot of effort? For sure. But how much do I want it? I 100% believe that if you want something badly enough (barring love from someone who doesn’t love you) you can get it.

I think that garlic gave me a wicked bad headache. Yikes, it’s late and my boss wants everyone there by 8:30… why? Announcement regarding new boss??

So I did my finances this month, as I do every month, and decided that 1) I can’t afford to buy a mini, in fact I can barely afford to pay my bills and 2) This month I have to be extra extra careful not to spend money because for some reason I seem to have even less money than usual. Good plan! Let’s go shopping!

Well I need more Simply Periwinkle semi-gloss to finish my downstairs bathroom. Can’t argue with that as I already have the first coat on and not enough left to finish it. And well, I did a shitty job of cleaning off teh roller and the paintbrush, and the plastic tray thing, so better replace that too. And since I’m already at Lowe’s, let’s look at the plants! Ooh! The pansies are in…in fun fall colors! Well, it’s not like I can really let the window boxes sit empty all fall. I have soooo many visitors at my cottage in teh woods and I would not want to disappoint them. J wanders off and yells “L! Hey, raspberries!” Me/sucker: “Really! Let’s get 3 each!” J: where will we put them. L: Oh we’ll find somewhere, won’t they be yummy!

Ok, Honda Civic is full to capacity. Let’s go to Borders, because we do have coupons. Me: I’m hungry. Won’t it be fun and kind of European to have a Capuccino and a sugary snack in the middle of the afternoon? J: You buyin? Me: Sure! I got a Rice Crispy treat and a capuccino and was a little disappointed in both. To make me feel better, I bought 3 books. Eat, Pray, Live by Elizabeth Gilbert. She is going to be speaking in Portland and it’s “on my list” to see an author speak, so I want to do this, and thought I should read her book first. Then, bought a Paulo Coelho called “Veronika Decides to Die” sounds fun, huh? I know a lot of people think he is fluffy, but I don’t care. His books are meaningful to me and plus, they’re really quick reads. And then I bought the only other Barbara Pym novel they had at Borders called “An Unsuitable Attachment” just because I liked “Excellent Women” so much. My summer reading challenge with my sister is wrapping up… 3 weeks to go and I’ve only read 7 books. These 3 could wrap it all up in a nice little bow.

Then I hit the grocery store for the 3rd time this week to get ground beef and an onion for some lasagna (have to use up all the tomato sauce I made from our tomatoes). And some Smirnoff. That, by the way, is a sign of hard times in the E-W household (yes, we are hyphenated. I’m an E, he’s a W…so we’re not technically hyphenated, but I like to call us the E-Ws mostly because it irritates my in-laws (which is also hyphenated).

By the way, I had an entire bottle of white wine last night and feel absolutely fine today. Which makes me realize, red wine is the devil (but awfully yummy).

I’m working on a landscape plan for my parents. I’m thinking yews, daffodils, lilacs, etc. etc.

go by too fast. I feel like I had a long list of things to do and haven’t really done any of them. J is on a clean kick and has been nagging me constantly about the house, so I had to do some cleaning yesterday. I don’t mind it, but I can’t stand the nagging. I feel like he follows me around and if I drop a crumb on the floor, I get an earful. ARRGHH! We’re bickering a lot.

Did some caulking yesterday. I thought I liked it but it got old fast. Oh boy.. my morning pages were just like this this morning, full of negativity! I can’t help it. I can’t get out of this funk. I’m unhappy about everything and can think of nothing positive to say. But that’s not entirely true. I’ve been practicing some new songs on the piano - the Harry Potter theme and Walking in Memphis. They’re both hard, but I just need to accept the fact that to be good at a song at the level I’m at, it will take practice. J was playing some movie songs - he has some sort of music service - and they all sounded so beautiful and I wanted them all. One of my favorite movies ever is The Piano with Holly Hunter (and this was even before I played the piano) and it has such beautiful music in it. So I downloaded some of that and took one look at it and realized it was way beyond me. OH well. : ) Would also like to the get the Cider House Rules soundtrack as that is really lovely too.

Paid some bills…depressing! I did a huge freelance project and I don’t even know where the money went. Need to save some money for two trips this month - going to Boston for a bachelorette party, and then going to VA to see my sisters. Have some extra money coming in - a bonus coming up at work plus the $600 rebate check from Dubwa. But those are mostly going to go toward my kayak. I really flip flop between wanting to just buy what I want (I’m in the prime of my life. Enjoy it!) and being more frugal. Did I already say that I wanted to buy a sexy red mini? I really do need to buy a car that is more economical on the gas mileage.

Thought of two new dumb things that I’m afriad of: 1) getting my car inspected at a new place and 2) getting a manicure. Two more things to conquer (baby steps). My nails are a mess.

Well, I need to do my weight lifiting, then either go outside and freeze or go downstairs to the treadmill and inhale fiberglass insulation for my walk. Making Mexican Meatloaf for dinner… happy easter!

by oh so many things today. Mainly work. I love the people I work with but there is absolutely no collaboration, communication, or coordination. We all just do our own things, very well, separately, which becomes extremely frustrating. The morale is sinking and just like in my family, I’m caught in the middle with everyone complaining to me and me yelling at everyone (hot headed redhead that I am). I’ve blown up more times in the last 2 weeks than in the previous year, mostly at people I really like and respect (but drive me nuts). The problem with working with creative people is that there are way too many egos and nobody will budge. I don’t know why I let it bother me though since I’m (unfortunately) peripherally invovled in just about everything. It’s so frustrating because I feel like things shoudl be done collaboratively and I would like to think about things strategically but instead everyone just wants to tell me exactly what to do and make me string 3 or 4 words together cohesively. I like to think I could contribute more but (hey what’s that I hear? ego! ego!). So I judge myself as much as anyone.

I’ve exercised for about 4 or 5 days straight and I am losing weight. I’m eating ok, trying to fit in lots of fruits and veggies but doing much better on the weekends than the weekdays. Today I hit starbucks and got a capuccino and those lovely lovely chocolate covered graham crackers. Heaven on earth. Finishing off my south african shiraz tonight. It’s ok, but I still like my Ravenswood the best and the Bogle petite syrah is #2. Funny how #2 will never sound so good… with those potty connotations. Funny how nobody thinks of #1 that way.

I thought my car was on the fritz but I guess it is ok. Neverless I’ve decided to buy a mini. I’m pretty much at the point in my life where I’ve decided that I’m going to be a selfish bitch the rest of my life and only think about myself..so I might as well get started! I took money out of my “emergency savings” to pay off my subaru, so I need to get that back up, but come August, I’m adding a sexy red mini to my car collection (gotta keep the subaru though for winter driving, hauling mulch, and transporting kayaks). After my freelance check clears, I get my bonus at work, adn get my govt. rebate check, I’ll have enough saved for my kayak and all the gear, plus a littel bit for a downpayment on a mini. I’ll buy a used one of course. And then I’m going to AFrica…. : ) I also need to plan a trip to VA to see my sisters, my nephew, etc. and maybe get my hair done. Can’t plead poverty as an excuse as I’ve already told them about Africa, kayaks, and minis.

Going to CA for a conference in early May. The plane ride will be a bit of a bitch, but I sort of like traveling alone. I say that until a week before when I won’t want to go. : ) But my boss told me to go, so go I will. And with my new “no fear” attitude, I’m determined to go, be brave, and even get out in the California sun and do something! Maybe I will do one of my “artist dates” there. Speaking of which, I need to cathc up to where J is in “the artists’ way” so I guess I will do that. I’ve been doing my morning pages. Usually halfway through, I remember a dream. Last night I dreamt that my ex boyfriend from high school sent me imprints of his feet and x-rays. ????? ha ha. analyze that one. The night before I dreamt about a piece of periwinkle colored glass or crystal. No cigarrettes today (didnt’ have my car where I keep my stash) but lots and lots of caffeine, so I suppose I won’t sleep at all tonight. And as Lucinda says:

Sometimes I don’t know right from wrong
I find it easy to fall
It’s hard when I been up all night long
That’s when I want you most of all

 night night

I honestly don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel depressed and hopeless and all that crap. And I’m dying for a cigarette. It must be time to play bad habit whack a mole again. I’ve been doing really good on the drinking (other than this weekend). I didn’t have a drink last night and I ran and felt great and just kept thinking how great I’d feel running the next day without having had a drink for 2 days. But for some reason when I cut back on drinking, I really want a cigarette. You know what I should do? Spend my $10K on freaking therapy instead of going to Africa . Honestly. I feel like I have all these unresolved issues that I just can’t get over no matter what. Half the time I’m ecstatically happy with my life and just can’t believe how well everything has turned out, and the other half of the time I’m just…not. I can rationalize everything I feel and try to talk myself into believing I have everything worked out, but then the same insistent thoughts (obsessions?) keep popping up. It’s annoying and I know I should just distract myself. On the other hand… sometimes I feel all better and then I’m afraid that I won’t be able to be creative if I’m not in that tortured emotional state. So then I wonder if I’m intentionally sabotaging my emotional health in order to have material for my book. Same old negative cycles…

 

 

I read this book called Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman at the beginning of the year, and it really helped me. It teaches you real practical ways of working positivity into your life. So every night I’ve been writing 5 things I’m grateful for, and it really helps. But I’ve been slacking off a bit. I think I need to get back into that, get back into my book research. Maybe I’m just overreacting. And I don’t even have PMS. I was pretty proud of myself for not buying ciggies at lunch time. I bought chocolate and diet coke instead.

 

 

On another note. Now I’m rethinking the $10K and wondering if I should invest it. I know… that was exactly what I wasn’t going to do. I find that the more money I have, the more frugal I get. It’s the Scrooge complex. I mean, I could put it in the bank and make $500 in interest on it next year and buy myself a kayak. : ) Well, we’ll see. I’ll put it in the bank for now and see what happens. I don’t envy rich people. Having money is too much responsibility. Luckily for me, I’ve always been cursed with money and am pretty convinced that I will never have that problem in my life!