Thanks for the fish

I bought some rolos on the off chance that we might get a trick-or-treater for halloween (didn’t happen). Ok, actually I bought them because I was strolling the halloween candy aisles at Target and it was after work and I had pms and I wanted CHOCOLATE. Love those rolos. And I’m sure everyone is impressed that there are still some left on November 8. huh? Am I right?

Red wine has become a bit of a luxury for me, with all my frugality lately. After pinching pennies for a month, I dropped $168 on getting my hair done (doesn’t look all that different either) and then I skipped the gym, filled the car up with gas ($2.49 a gallon!) and then like the classy chick that I am, I picked up a bottle of Ravenswood Merlot…at the gas station.

I also bought a bottle of Smirnoff at the grocery store today. I just can’t live without my vodka. And J needed his Krill oil capsules ($30!!) so it was an expensive week. But overall, I’m spending less and totally seeing a difference.

Our hardwood pellets have arrived and we have no stove to burn them in. We also bought a big building for outside. It’s 16 feet by 8 feet, so pretty large. The plan is to put the kayaks in there, the pellets (maybe), all our gardening stuff. It was a bit of an investement ($2300) but it was made locally and sold locally and is a lot more reasonably priced than the stuff at the home depot. It will be nice to have a building, then we can clear out the basement and start focusing on finishing up a room. The plan is to get a room finished, unearth some furniture that’s been under plastic for 4 years, put the pellet stove in there, cut a vent in the ceiling/floor and organize the rest of the basement too. Good winter project, no?

Tonight’s netflix is Dr. Zhivago. I love this movie for many reasons. 1) my russian obsession 2) i love the music 3) the main character has my name 4) i’m a hopeless romantic. I have to share all these movies with J from my youth. Pollyanna, Sound of Music, Airplane, Dr. Zhivago…then tehre’s the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. He doesn’t appreciate it at all, but it’s part of who I am. Yes, Dr. Z is 3 hours long and depresssing as all get out, but shit.. what else do we have to do on a Saturday night?

We just had haddock sandwiches (haddock was $3 per pound off at hannaford) with sweet potato fries and green giant asparagus. I do try to eat seasonally. It just seems like the thing to do. I’ve been eating a lot of bread and cheese and meat and squash. But damn, lemme tell you, when my body got a hold of that asparagus, there was some hallelujahing going on…big time. My body was like Vitamin B! Green Vegetables! party time! It’s pretty obvious when your body is missing something. It’s unnatural, but oh well.

We’ve been watching the Power of Myth with Joseph Campbell and Bill Moyers. Damn if he isn’t the most brilliant mother effer on the face of the earth (dead now) I’ll be goddamned. Brilliant!

asphixiation watching “the notebook” and sobbing so damn hard. Holy god. I was coughing and wheezing and moaning, it wasnt’ pretty. Then J tried to intervene and see if I was ok, and I’m one of those people that really don’t like to get interupted during movies (I get very into them) and told him to “get the hell off me!” Now my face is puffy and I’m still on the verge of a breakdown. Whaaaa!

Anyway….breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out… Ok, so the sun was out today! We thought about going kayaking but I looked around the garden and decided it was a little too early in the season to officially give up on it yet. So I systematically started at one end of the house and worked my way over, weeding and tidying up as best I could. I took the window boxes down and ripped out the pathetic dead flowers that have been hanging over them for 3 weeks. I guess tomorrow I should go buy some late season annuals, though it doesn’t really seem worth the trouble.

Then I finished the cheesey self help book I was reading, did 5 minutes of meditating, worked on memorizing the first 2 pages of Cider House Rules, and made dinner. Feeling discontent but trying to talk myself into being happy. The Notebook didn’t help. But damn Ryan Gosling is one hot mutha. (tiger growl… don’t know how you would spell that. : ) )

an arc. The rain is incessant, and it’s not just regular rain. This is pouring, torrential, tropical, tornadic rain that hasn’t stopped for about a week. After half a bottle of red wine, I passed out at 9 and then woke up 2 am in a slight panic attack. Then laid there and listened to the rain, and the thunder, and watched the lightening. Finally went down and pooped around online, then more laying in bed till the sun came up, at which time I went to sleep. Why can I never fall back asleep till the sun comes up? I’m deliriously tired now and intelligently finishing off the red wine so I can relive the whole experience tonight! Yeah… some evolutionary genes I just did not get.

We had a mini-department outing this afternoon and went to see Mamma Mia! I’d actually seen the show years ago when I lived in DC and it was cute, though I actually think I like the movie better. It was really good. There’s some slight tension on the department. I hate to say it, but I’ve sort of been ganging up on a coworker with another coworker. I don’t approve of my own behavior. But I have to admit that for once it’s nice to be on the giving end rather than the receiving end of a big ol’ snubfest. But I know how karma works so I need to cut it out. Plus, it’s just mean.

Man, oh man… what can I say. Maybe I’m just tired but I’m starting to think that I need a major change in my life. I love my life. I’m happier than ever, but I just have nowhere left to grow. Am I supposed to be doing this and only this for the rest of my life? That thought scares the shit out of me. I just dont’ think I can do it. I think I may need to go out and buy a fire engine red mini cooper. I’m too young and childless to be driving around in a station wagon. Why yes, I AM having a mid-life crisis.

Yes… we just got back from seeing Kung Fu Panda (J’s idea) and I am inspired. Follow your destiny, panda!

I was on a big kick last year about synchronicity, and coincidence, and destiny, etc. etc. etc. I guess I’m getting back on that kick. Have you heard of this The Secret thing? It seems a little strange, but the premise is that through the Law of Attraction, you bring into your life whatever you are thinking of. So, think positive things, get positive things. I didn’t read it, I just watched the synopsis on YouTube. Well, it may be a bunch of hooey, but certainly positive thinking can’t be too harmful. So combined with the Kung Fu Panda message, I have decided that it’s time I put some long held wishes into action. Time to get focused on my yet-to-be-written book once again. And yet, the plot still eludes me. So I’ve decided that even if I don’t write every day, I will at least dedicate some space in my rambling for some book brainstomring. It may not make any sense to you, but bear with me.

So, first, I need to think of a reason for writing this book… a message that I want to send out. First, let’s explore the themes in Kung Fu Panda, as well as the story arc. : ) The movie starts with a panda having a dream about being a kung fu fighter. He wakes up and is disappointed to find out that he is still at home, working in his father’s restaurant. His father wants him to take his place, but the panda wants to be a kung fu figher. Conflict!

Then, it’s announced that they are searching for the dragon warrior, the one who will protect the village from the villain (forgot his name). There are 5 warriors who are shoe-ins and they are the pandas heroes. He goes to watch and by a freak accident gets chosen himself as the dragon warrior. End of Act 1.

He is fat and out of shape and no one has faith in him, but he doesn’t quit because even if it’s unlikely, he’s happier to be bad at kung fu rather than good at making noodles. The 5 warriors and their master try to get rid of him and eventually nearly succeed. The master finally realizes it is the panda’s destiny and decides to help him, using his unique strengths to train him (food as a reward). The villain escapes and the panda runs away, convinced he has no special power to stop him. Then, with the help of his father, he realizes that there is no special ingredient to the noodles or to life. But by believing something is special, it makes it special. He goes back to defeat the viallin - end of act 2.

He defeats the villiain, who is still searching for something outside of himself, while the panda is confident in himself. That’s the power that wins.

So the themes are: be yourself, follow your destiny, you can be anything you want, but you can’t control things outside of yourself. And live in the present.

Good themes. I like them! I am particularly drawn to the idea of following your desinty and how life gives you what you need if you ask for it. How to turn that into a plot, I don’t know yet. But I’ll keep thinking about it.

Having an O’Doul’s tonight. I’ve rather gotten to like them. Also had a salad for dinner. I’m on a roll!

Rilke fellow? He has some good quotes. I love quotes. Came across this one today by him:

“I hold this to be the highest task for a bond between two people: that each protects the solitude of the other”

Amen, brother. He’s one of those guys that I’ve heard his name around but never really got to know. I guess he is a poet. : ) I see a borders trip in my future.

My solitary weekend was absolutely lovely. But maybe that’s an oversimplification. I can say there was a lot of sleeping involved.. .slept till noon today! : ) Then I read some writing books, and set up a little writing nook upstairs (because solitude is necessary for a writer) and did a little bit of writing. It was nice.

Last night I finished watching “the mists of avalon” - good… and I watched “the jane austen book club” - liked that one a lot. IT seems to go counter to most of my beliefs, but for a “love is the answer” kind of movie, I really liked it. See, I have at least one romantic bone in my body. Tonight we watched Atonement. I couldn’t remember the book, but I knew it didn’t end good. INteresting themes… I think the major one being the healing power of writing..of course maybe I just saw that because I was reading about that today.

An interesting thing about writing books (I’m reading Writing Alone and with Others,by Pat Schneider, and also The Artist’s Way). They cover a lot of ground about your inner critics and going to your past and healing the wounds - the people who made you believe that you couldn’t write or couldnt’ create… etc. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a youngest child, and didn’t have a lot of pressure to succeed in life… or what, but I don’t really feel this so much. I’m hard on myself and stuff, but deep down I believe I do have it in me to write… and I feel absolutely no guilt about doing it. Unless it’s so hidden that I really do. I don’t know… maybe somewhere in between. It is hard to write when I’m not alone. As soon as I heard J’s car in teh driveway I put my pen and paper away - but of course I just wanted to say hello and welcome him home.

Well, guess that’s all I got. My eye is still bothering me so I have to take out my contacts and then I’ll probably just go to bed, cause god knows I haven’t gotten enough sleep this weekend!

for a pair of pants that looks good on my weird ass body. I’ve already tried on every pair of pants in the women’s department at Macy’s. Then I hit the eddie bauer outlet and the gap, now I’m just online shopping. Ordered 3 pairs from Eddie Bauer. I really like the look of straight legged pants, you know the kind that is made for women with no shape… Fortunately it finally dawned on me that I have shape, and a whole helluva lot of it. I’ve noticed a lot of retailers are marketing things toward “curvy” women, which is good. Now I’m not going to make any blanket statements over what is good or bad for a woman to look like.. because I have and do know women who would like more curves. Let’s face it, we can’t have it all. I’ve got boobs and an hourglass figure, but I also have cellulite and a saggy butt. So be it. Even with 10 or so extra pounds, I get away with skirts and high heels pretty well, but when it comes to pants, I just look like a frump with a saggy ass.

But I got my first shipment of pants from my online binge. This one from Eddie Bauer. They are work pants, a little frumpy, but they are soooo comfy, that I’m keeping one pair and sending back 2 pairs. My next shipment is coming from Banana republic, but I have a feeling they’re not going to fit. Just as well as I could use the $250 credit on my credit card bill. Where can I try next? If I can find a pair of pants that really looked good on me, I’d pay a lot of money. But I can’t think of anywhere else to try.

The weight loss war began today. We’ve decided on 8 pounds. I did pretty good today. But now there is some red wine and yogurt covered pretzels involved… I have a total chick weekend planned. Exciting! I’ve got Jane Austen Book Club and Atonement lined up for my DVD viewing pleasure… along with the remainder of the Mists of Avalon. Other than that, I have no plans except sleeping in.

Some snow has melted, revealing parts of the garden I haven’t seen since late fall (did I say taht last night?). The two crocuses that I can see have some pale yellow buds on them. There were 2 deer out there this morning, which means it must be time to spray some Liquid Fence on my bushes. Last spring they devoured my puff ball bush and some junipers before I realized what was happening. Puff ball got butchered by the snow, but I have high hopes for her. I think it is a type of chaemocyparis (however you spell that). so cute! I never even cut back my perennials in teh fall because we had such an early snowfall and it never went away. It would be nice if it were warm and sunny this weekend, but it still feels like winter here, as depressing as that is.

I’m throwing a bridal shower for my friend at work and have to plan it. It’s stressful. I don’t like doing things like that. Too much pressure. Basically I don’t like doing anything where other people are involved. Still no cute guys at work. Where did they go? It’s depressing when no cute guy smiles at you in the course of an entire day. Or week. Maybe I can get my husband to smile at me. Hey! Hey you! Over here! YOoooooo hooooo! He’s playing with his new macro lens for his camera. My eyes hurt. Actually they have hurt for 2 months now. Ramble ramble ramble. Time for a movie… tonight is “no country for old men.”

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I got em! Ugh… I’m obsessed with my appearance lately and let me tell you, it’s a waste of damn time because I am a hideous creature. So I’ve concluded it’s a combination of winter uglies (we all get them… pasty white, dry skin, red eyes, big, spreading ass, dry frizzy hair… yeah, that’s me) and pms (so maybe I’m being a little hard on myself). had a very bad hair day. Got home, took another shower and just started over - just to prove that if I spent long enough on my hair and makeup, I could look at least ok. Which I think I’ve done, though it is still just ok. I think I need to chop my hair off essentially.

Went to a place called Mardens because I heard they got a shipment of banana republic clothes in. It’s like a warehouse where they buy overstock things and stuff from places that get hit by hurricanes, etc. First time in there… kinda scary. But I bought a few summer shirts to get a jump on things. Because we’re already up to 30 degrees! Swimsuit season is right around the corner!

So here I sit with my cape cod cocktail. I broke my last martini glass, so now I just call them cape cods instead. Just vodka and cranberry juice, which is what my “martini” essentially was. I’ve paired it down and simplified it over the years. At one point it was actually a martini. : )

I’ve been smoking and drinking and eating crappy and getting no exercise and suffering from mucho stress at work so - surprise! - I feel like shit. No mas. Tomorrow I am getting on a walking plan that I found in prevention magazine. It says I can lose 30 pounds in 6 weeks. ha, right. But I can shoot for 10 pounds. And I’m going to eat better, drink water, drink less alcohol, and stop smoking. again.

Ok, I sound like a teenager. Surely I can find something insightful and intelligent to talk about… hmm… Well, this is a stretch, but what the hell. We rented the movie Beowolf the other night…computer animation, sexy men, violence, gore… it was ok. But it made me think of this movie I saw years and years ago… I think I was in college and still lived at home. Or else I lived by myself. I know I saw it on Bravo at 4 in the morning and ended up balling my damn eyes out at the end. It was called Rocket Gibraltar. Hard to explain… but I got it from netflix to see if I actually really love this moive. I have realized over the years that my judgement at 4 am is not always the best.

So I may watch that tonight, do my weight lifting, force a veggie down my throat (first one today!), and get to bed early. Yes folks… the life of a 33 year married woman really IS this exciting. I’m not just making it up for effect. : )

Other than that, I hate my job and I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.

before I’m off to make some chocolate chip cookies. If I’m starting weight watchers on tuesday, then I guess I better enjoy this stuff while I can. I’m actually making them for my friend A at work who bought me and our other coworker starbucks gift cards and I didn’t get him anything. I dont’ really like giving things to people at work, because then it creates an expectation and everyone already has too many people to buy for. My boss also bought me a bunch of stuff, but I feel weird about making him cookies. I made J go up and borrow eggs from his mother so now he expects a pay back too. : )

Had a nice weekend despite fire-breathing pms. Went to the gym friday night and then to a greek place in portland that had live music and a live belly dancer! fun! I’m not sure J was crazy about it, but I liked it and it made me feel adventurous. Now I have to decide where we’re going next Friday. Yesterday we went to see I am Legend, which was pretty good. Still have Brokeback Mountain from netflix but haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. I also made my January purchase - a new pair of running shoes: $35 at TJ Maxx. We went for a long walk today, taking advantage of the sunny and fairly warm day - tomorrow’s supposed to be another snow storm. I guess I broke the shoes in by the size of the blisters on my feet.

Today have just been watching football and walkign around with my fluffy red blanket wrapped around me. Taking it easy. Wrote 600 words in my book for the first time in 5 days. But it’s coming along and I’m delving a bit into research now, which is kind of cool. Learning about Turkey and their customs (and where it is on the f-ing map). : ) Looked at a book at borders last night called “a short history of myth” which had an interesting insight. I’ve vowed not to buy any more books this year, so I just read an entire chapter in the store. Next time maybe I’ll move on to chapter 2. The interesting point was this: the first major deity was a goddess, one that eventually evolved into the greek goddess of the hunt, artemis. It seems sort of coutnerintutive that a culture that relied on men exclusively to provide food (since women were not hunters) would create a female goddess to worship. But when you think about how fragile society and survival were back then - procreation was, obviously totally critical. So the men were essentially going out and risking their lives simply because women’s lives were too important to risk as they were the ones who gave birth.

J turned me on to a great new singer today - Kate Nash. Very cheeky and a great beat. She has a song called “dickhead.” J knew I’d like it because he thinks I like any music with lots of expletives sung by women. Which is essentially true, but just by coincidence. I’m working on my song tonight. I have the words and the notes and the timing - now the hard part is making it fit into measures. It’s neat actually writing it all down though. I totally recommend it! And if I can do it, anyone can. : ) Great therapy. And just good clean fun.

2 day hangover to make you feel old. I don’t feel like throwing up today, but my skin still hurts. That’s ok, though because I’m totally confident that one day I will learn to not treat my body like this. Another snow storm so I “worked from home” today, which mostly invovled going through my old cooking light magazines and ripping out the good recipes. I’m trying to downsize in the office and realized I never looked through them, so maybe if I organize them it will inspire me to try some new things. Though mostly I just ripped out the desserts, as everything else seems to be pasta and shrimp.

Joined Swaptree.com today. It’s a site where you can post stuff you have, like books and cds and then post a list of things you want. Then if someone has what you want, and you have what they want, then you can just ship the stuff to each other. I posted some books and it looks like someone wants “the interpreter of maladies” which I have for “The adventures of huck finn” which I want. So I proposed a trade.

J downloaded a book called “getting unstuck” or something….it’s about buddhism and meditation. I know I’ve said this forever but I really do want to start meditating. regularly. The premise of the book seems to be that you have to sort of go through pain and then once you conquer it, you’re golden. So this pain - let’s call it existential pain - you know that general restlessness, boredeom, angst that sort of underlies all of our lives - we try to get rid of it through booze and food and shopping and drugs and sex - but supposedly if you can conquer that through mindfullness, then that’s preferable. To some extent I buy into that and have been reading stuff like this for years, but I can’t seem to quite get over the hedge and actually do something about it. And I do love booze so. And food. And sex. And shopping. It’s a tough call.

Tonight on netflix I have Capote. I’ve never read anything by him, and don’t know much about him, but I’m always interested in writers lives. Tomorrow I’ll guess I”ll start a diet. Isn’t that a requirement for january 1st?

Have had no diet coke or alcohol today… so needless to say I’m not feeling like myself. I did have 2 diet ice teas though. Boy am I tired. Had my recital tonight and it was fine. It’s cute to watch the kids. They all have their little personalities…some are super confident and others are shy, and some are just damn talented. Especially those ones that wear the coffee filters on their heads. I’m glad to be done with that song and start on something new.

The other day me and J were doing the tango in the dining room and I had asked J to dip me and he almost dropped me on my head. I’m a horrible dancer. I’m not sure about J but I suspect he isn’t too bad. Today my friend at work was talking about taking lessons for her wedding and asked if we wanted to do it with her. To my surprise, J said yes. That’s on my list of things to try, so what the hey. I would like to try some sexy latin dances. I have no rhythm but I sure can shake my hips, so I might as well make use of that skill. Fun! (I sort of forced that explanation mark.. I really don’t have enough energy to be using one, but “fun” without it seemed kind of lame).

What else? Saw the movie “Ray”last night. It was interesting but for some reason I find these biographies a bit disturbing. In the balance of light and dark, fiction seems to have more light. Fiction follows the curve… beginning starts good, then the middle gets a bit hairy, the beginning of the end is the bottom, then it all gets worked out. The real stories seem to be shitty shitty shitty shitty shitty good great shitty. And all the men cheap on the women and treat ‘em like crap. No wonder I read so much fiction. Gives me a reprise from reality. Actually in Hero with 1000 Faces Campbell talks about this and how its’ not naive to like fiction but the happy ending is a mythic expression of our better selves or some shit like that. : ) I’m intrigued by that idea, because I don’t like the idea of just denying reality… like sitting in front of the boob toob blocking out the pain of existence. What the hell am I rambling about?

Thanksgiving dinner is planned - chicken, whipped sweet potatoes, pumpkin lasagna (sister is vegetarian), cranberry upside down cake, something green, and whatever free pie I get at work tomorrow (if it lasts that long).

1 minute till bedtime! 5-4-3-2-…….1! Good night!