Thanks for the fish

I feel different today…not sure why. Maybe it’s the weather. It’s sort of cool and overcast and makes me feel like I’m in a different place. And it’s the end of an era at work. The cute guy era. They are all leaving tomorrow. It’s actually probably a good thing…less distractions…easier for me to be the superstar! I really want to start kicking ass at work. But instead, today I went to get my hair highlighted, which took several hours. I like it though! One day perhaps I’ll make actual work a priority over my hair. But not today obviously.

I’m bowing out of my recital. I’m just not ready. I don’t know if it’s my fault, or my teacher’s, but lately it’s just not working out. I’m not going to put myself through the unnecessary stress of that. I wonder how all my fall classes will affect my committment to piano. I just don’t feel like I’m learning anything anymore. I get bored easily..i need constant progress, people. And all I’ve gotten lately is disappointment. What I do want to do though, is finish my Uncle Bill’s songs. I have some lyrics he wrote and I want to put them to music. But it’s not easy!

Work is overwhelming…too much to do, and I’m afraid it’s all crap at this point. I just don’t have the time to make things as good as I want them. Had one of those ego-killing moments today but took it in stride. What else can you do, right?

I need some new music! I think it’s time I tootled around on itunes and see what new is out there.

J is in a killing mood. At the wedding reception he killed a wasp. I couldn’t believe it. I mean, whatever, but it doesn’t seem to fit in with his so-called buddhist tendencies. Then he killed a bee tonight. He was convinced it was a killer bee, and hell, maybe it was. It really was chasing him very aggressively. Oh! we had a bat out on the screened in porch last night. I think maybe he’s been there a while because I heard something the other night…which freaks me out because I leave that door open to the house and let the cats run out there. But I guess bats sleep during the day so he never came out. Sure as hell don’t want a bat in my house. Though, I have to say, I am partial to rodents, and that includes bats. I think they’re awful cute. : ) (but they still scare me)

I’ve been a little stressed out lately. Part of it is work. Part is these medical problems…they’re minor but I get all worked up about them, like I’m going to have them the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m normally so panic-sensitive. But I swear I nearly had a panic attack the other day. I”m starting to think that after a decade of holding out and sucking up, this may be the year I actually get some meds from the doctor. Yeah, I’m talking about prozac. Wonder if it works…

Awww…..

I don’t think my garden has ever looked better! Of course, it’s only June and the weeds coudl still take over, but everything looks lush and full. The things I planted the first year in the house (3 years ago…4 years ago?) are finally looking awesome and even things I planted last year look great. The climbing hydrangea has doubled in size. The first picture above is of an iris that is almost black it’s such a dark purple. I have 3 or 4 of them and I’ve never seen them before! I’m guessing they’ve just never bloomed before. I have a ton of them, so it’s possible I never noticed.

One of my cranesbill’s reseeded itself in the bed by my office window and one of them seems to have turned from purple to white…? Very odd.

I haven’t gotten much exercise today so I made J go out for a walk with me tonight. There was a severe thunderstorm watch and we watched the storm roll in as we walked. It’s nice to walk beofre  a thunderstorm, when it’s calm and dark, but a comforting kind of dark. The storm never did hit us but it did get really cool (thank god) and windy. A lady in a minivan stopped us looking for her dog. : ( We didn’t see him but I’ve been keeping an eye out for him all night. Nothing sucks worse than losing your pet.

My recital was last night but 2 songs before I was up, the fire alarm went off. We evacuated, the fire dept. finally showed up, we waited outside for 45 minutes and finally my teacher sent us all home… oh well. I was disappointed, but I never liked that damn song anyway. She said she would reschedule, but I’m done. Time to move on. Someone at the recital played a song from Phantom of the Opera that I think I’ll download the sheet music to now… so pretty.

Finally crossed one thing off my 101 list… went to a new car place. It was just Sears at the mall, but for some reason, car stuff always intimidates me. I just needed an inspection and it’s dumb to get intimdated, especially since everyone has to get one done… but it’s just one of those things. But it was easy and I squeezed a trip to Banana Republic in too and spent the rest of the gift card my sister got me for my birthday. Bought a black t-shirt.

Still suffering from sunburn. I even got burnt on the top of my head….that’s a new one. Hurt like hell blow drying my hair this morning. My shoulders are charred too. Ouchy.

My coworker went to a conference and went to a session called “can’t we all get along” where they analyze your personality and show you how to get along with people. She was classified as “dominant” so now we call her “meanie.” So she analyzed us and she pegged me as an “S” for “steadiness”. J would get a kick out of that. But she said I was reliable, predictable, loyal, dependable, consistent… so I’ve dubbed myself “the rock.” ha! I’m actually kind of flattered by it, even though those aren’t the adjectives I would necessarily choose for myself. But for work, that’s not so bad. Oh, and a good listener. : )

back! Peeping down at the pond… soon it will be deafening. Yes, another sign of spring. The crocuses are out and pretty in their purple and yellow in the front garden. Went out last night and raked the boulder bed of all the oak leaves that fell last fall. Weeds are coming up already! Luckily I have about 15 bags of mulch I never laid last fall so one of these nights I’ll go out and put that down. My plan this spring is to mulch, mulch, mulch before the weeds can catch up. Not much blooming… the forsythia isn’t even out yet. But the daffodils have poked up and hopefully soon they’ll be blooming. I still need to cut back my perennials from last fall… the snow fell so early and never melted so I never really had a chance.

Went to my primary care doctor today about my eye (finally). She said it might be allergies and prescribed some drops. i don’t think it’s allergies, so I’ll call my eye doctor tomorrow. I guess I should’ve just done that originally but I never know which doctor to call. I think it’s probably just dry eyes or something but it’s gettting very painful and has been like this for 2 months.

What else? 5 ciggies, 2 diet cokes, 1 cocktail today… could be worse…? Also went for 2 walks and ate ok. We got this ready to cook meal from hannaford. Italian chicken with green beans, gnocchi and pesto. Everything’s already cut and packaged up and then you just follow the directions. $20 for 4 servings, but super easy and really tasty. Compared to a restaurant meal that’s cheap. I begged him to pick one up because I was craving home cooked food and didn’t feeel like cooking.

Picked up my music last night and have been practicing. I have Only Time by Enya. It’s not super easy, but not too hard either. The other one, Jessica’s theme from the man from snowy river, I’m not sure I like it. It sounds like that theme from that tv show “the greatest american hero” which just brings back awkward memories for me. I have Ashokan Farewell as my backup… I can play that one already but it’s hard enough that it would be challening to memorize… Oh, I don’t know!

Work sucks.

It’s been sort of a funky weekend. This will probably just be a bunch of random, unconnected thoughts..
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Well I got new martini glasses… that was the high point. I was going to take a picture but the camera battery is charging, so never mind. I think the blog needs a few pictures to spruce it up though. Kind of dreary, as is the weather and lots of other things.

I bought a book on Thursday at this cute bookstore in Falmouth that I go to every now and then. It’s a fairly small place, compared to somewhere like Borders, but they have such a great selection. IN fact, sometimes I think smaller is better because then you find things you weren’t looking for… a great place for browsing. I bought a book called “Notes from a minor scale: a memoir of music, love, and healing.” It’s about a concert pianist who has MS and cancer. It’s lovely so far and I’m about halfway through. At first, the narrator annoyed me because she uses big words (as a copywriter, I’m professionally obligated to hate that!) and talks just like my friend L - who also happens to be half japanese and quite the piano player - like the author… hmm. She sounds quite pretentious and arrogant and overly confident, but she’s won me over. Let me quote a few of my favorite passages:

“I don’t wnat to hide behind my love for you, an yet, being in your presence makes me content. Contentment breeds mediocrity, I know that - but does that mean to be great forces one into an eternal state of discontentment? What a trade off!”

“Why was everything so gray? I needed things to be either black or white, hot or cold. “Because you are lukewarm, I will spew you from my mouth.” What did that mean? Perhaps it meant that to live as you truly are - no matter how contrary - is less sinful than living a lie.”

Yesterday we went to borders and I felt compelled to buy something, just because I’m in a mood to spend money. Everywhere I go, I feel compelled to buy something. There goes my non-consumerist phase… there goes my money… I was reading a blog by a british woman who reads too much and then I was reading something about Walt Whitman and I’ve been thinking about the poet Anne Sexton lately (in regards to my feeling that I need to stop being a prude and just be the woman that I am) so I took it all as a sign that I need to read some poetry! So I bought Anne Sexton’s complete poems. I have a biography of her already and a book of her letters and one book of her poems (love poems) but that was all - so waht the hell. She was one of the “confessional poets” of the 60s/70s..she was also known as the “housewife poet” and she killed herself in the year I was born - 1974. Tall, glamorous, tortured, and she just didn’t give a crap. She had issues and she let the world know all of them, something for which she was criticized for. I admire people who can let it all hang out. I do that intermittently and usually regret it, because really I wish I could be composed and let people just wonder about me. But anyway…

J and me are in a fight. He’s in a jealous phase and that’s the one thing I cannot stand. I hate it! I want to run away from home. We’ve made it 10 years till he flips out and I haven’t even done anything wrong. He yelled at me last night and I cried. It’s silly because we never fight but I can’t handle the conflict. So I didn’t talk to him all day. Mature, right? We’re on speaking terms now but it’s still touch and go. The thing is… well I don’t know what the thing is. I just don’t like feeling like I have to act a certain way for someone. There are some things I will concede, but some things I will never concede. BUt most men are much worse and I’ve dated some very jealous guys. I’d just rather be alone and feel what I feel and be left alone. What I’m trying to say is that I have a right to be who I am and talk to who I want and I thought we were so much better than all those conventional couples who get jealous and tell each other what to do! But I guess we’re not. And that’s what makes me sad.

Well, I guess that’s all. I’d like to complain about my hair, and my weight, and my clothes, etc. etc. but I have piano songs to work on. I’m making progress on “The heart asks pleasure first” It still sounds nothing like a song, but I can get through 2 pages and about 1/10 the speed it’s supposed to be at. I’m glad to go to work tomorrow because I’ve been bored.

8:25 and ready for bed. I’ve been getting so bored at night lately. I’m sure I have plenty of things I could be doing but I just surf the internet and look for people to snoop on. Found someone tonight. Strange how people are hardly ever what you expect. Men are so weird. But I guess not really. I guess I am the same as they are. Yes… I am.

Bought a bottle of Tanqueray vodka. It’s one of the few top shelf ones I didn’t try as I was going through my experimental phase a while back. It’s good. The key to a good vodka is that it really tastes like nothing. But when you breathe out after drinking it, you should be able to light a fire if there’s a spark. So this one would fit the bill. BUt really.. it is good. I’m going to put it second after grey goose. It’s not as smooth as the goose, but pretty damn good.

I gave up diet coke so I’m really tired all the time. I did have some tea and the vending machine guy did give me a free brisk ice tea… but after a few days of eating not much sugar and no sodas, it kind of made me feel weird. I have a senstive somatic system, whatever that means.

Yeah… people baffle me. I think I like the mystery of people. I’ve always liked to admire people from afar, and then I think I want to get to knwo them, but I really don’t. I really just want them to be how I imagine them. But it’s not reality. I’ve been getting to know mroe people at work and it’s kind of cool. People are interesting..usually the ones you don’t expect.  Boy could this be more vague? ha ha. Usually it’s the women I end up finding fascinating. I don’t know if it’s just that I can’t get to know men because there’s always that weird thing between men and women… is that why I can’t break free and get to know them… or are they just so different that I can’t even fathom it. I can’t really think of one guy off the top of my head who I think is an amazing, fascinating person… I mean, I don’t even know anything about my own damn husband. I don’t know what he thinks about. They seem so… so… ??? blank.

If I found a guy I could talk about something important with… if I found ANYONE I could talk about anything important with… but then I have nothing important to talk about!! whew… ok, focus. This is why I’m vulnerable to that artsy, musician type.

Anyway, my adorable 17 year old cashire was at the grocery store tonight… but stuck in teh express lane! So sad. He’s my mini ryan adams. So cute with his dyed black shaggy hair. : ) J makes fun of me and my crush. Last weekend we went to the store and I didn’t see him and went to another lane and J was like “What you didn’t go to yoru guy?” It reminds me something I read in Man without a country where Kurt vonnegut is in love with teh girl at the postal counter and his wife knows it. We all have our crushes. Some people just repress them. You know.. for all my faults and all my issues, I think I’m at least honest with myself. I know who I like and I know what I want. And I’m going to say what I’m going to say, even if it’s too much information.

Ok, pet peeve: When I’m saying something or I’ve said something and someone says “I dont’ even want to know” like it’s going to burn their souls out if they hear what I have to say. and the “too much information” comment bothers me too. That’s why I love love love the 2 people I work with. Because it’s never too much information. It’s really a conversational free for all with us three and I love it. Even if nobody else appreciates it.

Work… I’m very busy and I like that. Some things are going well. I seem to be included in more things. But there’s weird power plays going on and I don’t know who to trust. I don’t know what people’s motives are. It’s bothersome. But I’m finding it fun to start infiltrating other departments. Its like Survivor. And I’m making allies. or alliances.. whatever the hell it is. Jesus.. the things we do to get through the day. : )

Ramble ramble ramble. Still working on the same 2 piano songs. They are over my ehad. Even my teacher said “you’re floating over your head.” yeah… been listening to The Piano soundtrack constantly. I love it… it’s almost emotionally neutral. Sometimes I don’t like it when music pushes my buttons too much. The main song from it is called “The heart asks pleasure first” (which by the way I love that title) and it’s so passionate yet so… neutral. It goes one way and then it goes another and then it just seems to say “it is what it is.” : ) god it’s gorgeous.

sad, hopeful, sadhopeful, it is what it is!

go by too fast. I feel like I had a long list of things to do and haven’t really done any of them. J is on a clean kick and has been nagging me constantly about the house, so I had to do some cleaning yesterday. I don’t mind it, but I can’t stand the nagging. I feel like he follows me around and if I drop a crumb on the floor, I get an earful. ARRGHH! We’re bickering a lot.

Did some caulking yesterday. I thought I liked it but it got old fast. Oh boy.. my morning pages were just like this this morning, full of negativity! I can’t help it. I can’t get out of this funk. I’m unhappy about everything and can think of nothing positive to say. But that’s not entirely true. I’ve been practicing some new songs on the piano - the Harry Potter theme and Walking in Memphis. They’re both hard, but I just need to accept the fact that to be good at a song at the level I’m at, it will take practice. J was playing some movie songs - he has some sort of music service - and they all sounded so beautiful and I wanted them all. One of my favorite movies ever is The Piano with Holly Hunter (and this was even before I played the piano) and it has such beautiful music in it. So I downloaded some of that and took one look at it and realized it was way beyond me. OH well. : ) Would also like to the get the Cider House Rules soundtrack as that is really lovely too.

Paid some bills…depressing! I did a huge freelance project and I don’t even know where the money went. Need to save some money for two trips this month - going to Boston for a bachelorette party, and then going to VA to see my sisters. Have some extra money coming in - a bonus coming up at work plus the $600 rebate check from Dubwa. But those are mostly going to go toward my kayak. I really flip flop between wanting to just buy what I want (I’m in the prime of my life. Enjoy it!) and being more frugal. Did I already say that I wanted to buy a sexy red mini? I really do need to buy a car that is more economical on the gas mileage.

Thought of two new dumb things that I’m afriad of: 1) getting my car inspected at a new place and 2) getting a manicure. Two more things to conquer (baby steps). My nails are a mess.

Well, I need to do my weight lifiting, then either go outside and freeze or go downstairs to the treadmill and inhale fiberglass insulation for my walk. Making Mexican Meatloaf for dinner… happy easter!

before I’m off to make some chocolate chip cookies. If I’m starting weight watchers on tuesday, then I guess I better enjoy this stuff while I can. I’m actually making them for my friend A at work who bought me and our other coworker starbucks gift cards and I didn’t get him anything. I dont’ really like giving things to people at work, because then it creates an expectation and everyone already has too many people to buy for. My boss also bought me a bunch of stuff, but I feel weird about making him cookies. I made J go up and borrow eggs from his mother so now he expects a pay back too. : )

Had a nice weekend despite fire-breathing pms. Went to the gym friday night and then to a greek place in portland that had live music and a live belly dancer! fun! I’m not sure J was crazy about it, but I liked it and it made me feel adventurous. Now I have to decide where we’re going next Friday. Yesterday we went to see I am Legend, which was pretty good. Still have Brokeback Mountain from netflix but haven’t gotten around to watching it yet. I also made my January purchase - a new pair of running shoes: $35 at TJ Maxx. We went for a long walk today, taking advantage of the sunny and fairly warm day - tomorrow’s supposed to be another snow storm. I guess I broke the shoes in by the size of the blisters on my feet.

Today have just been watching football and walkign around with my fluffy red blanket wrapped around me. Taking it easy. Wrote 600 words in my book for the first time in 5 days. But it’s coming along and I’m delving a bit into research now, which is kind of cool. Learning about Turkey and their customs (and where it is on the f-ing map). : ) Looked at a book at borders last night called “a short history of myth” which had an interesting insight. I’ve vowed not to buy any more books this year, so I just read an entire chapter in the store. Next time maybe I’ll move on to chapter 2. The interesting point was this: the first major deity was a goddess, one that eventually evolved into the greek goddess of the hunt, artemis. It seems sort of coutnerintutive that a culture that relied on men exclusively to provide food (since women were not hunters) would create a female goddess to worship. But when you think about how fragile society and survival were back then - procreation was, obviously totally critical. So the men were essentially going out and risking their lives simply because women’s lives were too important to risk as they were the ones who gave birth.

J turned me on to a great new singer today - Kate Nash. Very cheeky and a great beat. She has a song called “dickhead.” J knew I’d like it because he thinks I like any music with lots of expletives sung by women. Which is essentially true, but just by coincidence. I’m working on my song tonight. I have the words and the notes and the timing - now the hard part is making it fit into measures. It’s neat actually writing it all down though. I totally recommend it! And if I can do it, anyone can. : ) Great therapy. And just good clean fun.

out there. I ran out to start my car this morning without a jacket. It wheezed and coughed and finally started up. Looked at the thermometer in my car and it was a whole 0 degree! ( I just typed “zegree” and it took me about 10 seconds to figure out what was wrong with it… hmm). Right now it is 8 degrees. We were supposed to see the oz tonight but he had the flu so it was cancelled..which we didn’t realize till we tried to park. Oh well. Luckily J has been practicing his zen (which for me is absolutely heavenly) so he took it pretty well, but was disappointed. I’m practicing my zen too and even though I was quite an ozzy fan when I was in 8th grade and it would be kind of cool to see him (he’s a living legend, no?) my ears are sort of thanking me right now.

The last 2 days I’ve been practicing these buddha type things and man has my outlook improved. It’s made lilfe so much more pleasant that I can hardly believe it. A few things happened at work that would’ve normally sent me over the edge, but I just let them go. I just shut my eyes and breathed and thought about things and thought about people’s intentions and then kind of got over myself. It was good. ANd I narrated myself all the way to work in an attempt to stay present…”red honda passing me on my right…ford escape trying to merge… oops bad merge, my fault!… giant indian on the route 1… 65 miles per hour sign… patty griffin on the radio… ” That kind of pooped my out though so I had to give in and daydream a bit at work. But I felt a lot of love for my fellow humans today, and you know that that can be rare for me. But hey, were all just trying to get by… trying to be happy. Kindness is a good thing.

Went to borders (somebody stop me) and bought some calendars for 50% off…  “pigs: pretty in pink” so CUTE! January has a close up of a pig smelling a rose and says “stop and smell the roses.” oh god, so it’s damn cute I could die. And I got an audubon engagement calendar, which I bought so I could keep better track of my finances. I keep overdrawing my account and it’s because the way my paycheck gets paid - biweekly so it’s always on a different date. It’s much better to get paid on the 15th and 1st so you can at least plan for it. So I guess I just have to map it all out manually. Gots to do something. Paid off my subaru using my savings! Of course now I have hardly any emergency savings. Oh well. My sis sent me “The heroines journey” which I won in a bet. I bet her my parents wouldn’t buy a house in maine, and so far they haven’t (though still threatenign). Looks like she got it on swaptree that crafty snake! ha ha. Oh well.

Meteor shower tonight. I’m obsessed with shooting stars but can never drag myself out of bed at ungodly hours. This one is supposed to peak at 4 am, and of course it has to be the coldest damn day of the year. Maybe I will do it! maybe i wont’. Tomorrow I get to go to a half day conference about marketing a medical practice and then work from home the rest of the day. NOtice how I didn’t put “work from home” in quotes like usual. That’s because I actually do have to work (eyes rolling). lame! rude! but it’s all good.

9 pm and I still have 600 words to write. off I go…

such passion for bathroom etiquette! I love it. Finally, I’ve created controversy. I stand by my rules, barring emergencies (which do happen).

Went to the gym, did the upright bike and some weights. Had zero cigarettes today, 3 giant chocolate chip cookies, and only 1 diet coke. Cosmo #1 in progress. I say this not because I feel guilty, I’m just giving you the tally. I’m still in no guilt mode.

I have been uberly productive lately. I wonder if it’s the mind training I’ve been doing? I wrote another etheree and I think it’s absolutely perfect. But then I’m a naricissist. Judge for yourself.

 

I just love that little triangle thing! Cute! I started a song last night called “Fight or flight” about my tendency (inherited from both parents) of running away from problems - totally valid response by the way. I have the chorus and the bridge written but not the verses. And I got my book rethought out and now it’s really good. I don’t think I can plan it all out because I think of way better stuff as I’m writing. But I’ve got some good ideas - better than before. I will start tonight. No. I will start now!

I hate work, but the thing is, I do really enjoy the social aspect of it. The stupid xmas parties and the apple bobbing. IT’s better than sitting at  home and waxing my bikini area out of boredom. Seriously. I invented another recipe last night. Macaroni, kale, vegetables, and spagehtti sauce casserole topepd with cheese! Not bad. Antoher example of my overactive mind. Bing! Bing! Bing! Maybe I should exercise more often.

I’m in love with Regina Spektor.

 

“Fidelity”

(Shake it up)

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

And suppose I never met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose we never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course its gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better
Better better better

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting by heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All this music
And it breaks my heart
It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind all of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music

Breaks my
Heart
Breaks my heart