Thanks for the fish

Ok, so I finally got home from spending exactly (doing calulations) 48 hours nonstop with 4 of my coworkers and one friend-of-a-coworker. It was a little hairy, but I learned many things about myself and the universe, including:

Whitewater rafting is actually quite fun, though 4 hours would be better than 8
I can tough it out better than I thought, but I’d still rather have a hot bath and my own bed
It’s never too late to have that girls-at-summercamp experience I never had (and never particularly wanted)
I’m really not a people person, and I’m ok with that. Loners are good people too.
I have finally learned how to quit and not drink myself into a stupor (even if it makes me look like a party pooper).

Soo… having said all that, I actually had a pretty good time. The rafting was really cool. We went down 2 class 5 rapids (I think that’s as high as it goes). One guy in our boat fell out and it got kind of scary. Luckily that was early on so it taught me the valuable lesson: Hold on tight and never ever let go. It was gorgeous scenery and a perfect day. We paddled right by Mount Katahdin, which is the end of the Appalachian trail, and the highest mountain in Maine. Got some sun and some decent food and exercise and some laughs. Stayed in this canvas tent-like structure. Got eaten alive by bugs.

The people I went with are people I work with but am not particularly close to. Somehow I ended up on the fringes of their clique. They’re nice and I like them all, but at this point I’ve hung out with them a fair amount at various birthday parties, bachelorette parties, company functions, etc. but it’s just never really clicked. The night I got trashed at the company dinner, I think I sort of bonded with them (but then didn’t remember any of it). And the fact of the matter is that I’m 34 and don’t really want to act drunk and obnoxious in public anymore. And even more, I don’t want a 3 day hangover. But there was one girl who I sort of bonded with. The ironic thing is that she is the one least like me. Maybe I just like people who are different from me. The person who I am closest too in the group is A, the gay guy, who I work very closely with at work. At one point I considered him a pretty good (work) friend, but he is young and a little bitchy and sometimes he irritates the crap out of me. He can be very superficial and very judgemental and the friend (girl) he brought was sort of similar. And well… let’s face it… I’m 10 years older than them, so maybe it’s not surprising that I felt a wee bit like the odd girl out. Some of the girls are in their late 20s. Anyway, in a nutshell, theyr’e nice people but I totally saw waaaayyyy too much of them this weekend.

So that’s that. I’m glad I did it but have no need to do that again. I always regret agreeing to these things, but it’s good to go out of your comfort zone sometimes. Besides, I get to cross out anohter thing on my 101 things to do list (sleep outside) and it also made me appreciate coming home to the one person I can seem to stand for more than a whole day. Not to mention my hairdryer and a hot bath. And my kitties.

Work tomorrow. Just shoot me. I’m swamped and over my head and besides I saw my coworkers all weekend. : ( My bee balm is blooming. My sister has pulled ahead in our book reading competition. She’s read 2, I’ve read one. I think I can finish “Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair” tonight even though it wasn’t officially on my list.

Oh, had a bit of a roadbump in smoking cessation. Hope to get back on track soon.

what is going on? I’m going to California tomorrow. I already feel so run down and am not particularly looking forward to the long plane ride. I’m trying to think if I’ve ever gone on such a long trip alone… like alone alone. I’ve been to plenty of conferences in CA, but usually there is at least one coworker with me. This will be totally solo. I tend to think it’s sort of fun traveling alone, because you don’t rely anyone else and then you realize that you really are pretty self-sufficient. It’s good for the ol’ self esteem. Of course I would never admit to anyone that I’m nervous because I’m a badass… and I can’t say I really am too nervous. Just a little. : )

Had an altercation in the grocery store parking lot. Apparently I dinged a door in this lady’s fancy new red pickup and she got all bent out of shape. That one took counting to 10. I have a temper and boy did she activate it. So I said a few things, but mostly I just shut myself up and then drove away once she had her required insurance information. BITCH!!! grrr… I handled it ok. Yes, I audible said “fucking bitch” as I drove away, but well.. what do you want from me?? She was a bitch!

Anyhoo… it’s raining raining raining like it’s noah’s ark. All night… boy does that sound help me sleep. All day… boy did I want a nap! still… boy do I want to go to bed! I have to get up at 3 am to be ready by 4 am to get to the airport by 5 am to catch a plane by 6 am, to connect in NY at 7:30 am to get to CA at 11:30 am to be in lovely downtown Irvine by 12:30 or so. Actually I have no idea if Irvine is lovely or not, but I’m at the Hyatt, so things are looking up! I don’t think I’ve ever stayed at a Hyatt before. : ) Hopefully they are as nice as I’m imagining.

I’m actually sort of psyched about the conference. It’s about health literacy. So it’s about talkign to people who don’t necessarily have high educations about their health in a way they understand and can relate to. Something a lot of people I work with don’t quite understand. As a copywriter, it makes total sense to me, and I hope to get some solid factoids about health outcomes using these methods so I can say “See!” and hopefully get some good tips too. Because I suppose it is possible that I don’t know everything.

I’m pretty much packed. Brought mostly work clothes because I don’t really belive in wearing jeans to conferences. I know everyone does it, and you’re not at work, but you never know who you might meet. It’s always best to look professional. Bringing some books to read. Wicked - which my coworker/friend A gave me and says is awesome. Artful prose…artful sentences?? something like that that A & D brought me from a conference they went to. Looks like a good writing book that I will never read in my leisure time but could probably be useful in my job.. and in my fiction writing.  And a Carl Hiassen one that I picked up from the lending library at work. I should have plenty of time for reading.

I feel like rambling along about silly stupid topics, but for once I’m going to refrain. : ) I need to practice piano since I’ll be away till Sat. but will probably go lay on the couch and take a snoozaroli. Over and otu till saturday unless I stumble on internet access somewhere.

today. Oh well. They won yesterday too, but I did go two days without a single cocktail. : ) I am having one tonight though. Can’t win ‘em all. I still like my system and have faith in it, and plan to one day market it (just kidding).

Anyway, so I went to my last writing group last night and it was so great. And all night I kept hoping that someone would bring up the idea of us continuing to meet and finally someone did! Yeah, god forbid I speak up.. timid lil me. So I’m ecstatic. I don’t know why it’s so important to me, but the writing group has just gotten me so much closer to where I want to be. First of all, it forces me to write. Before we just wrote in class and that’s good too. But for the final class we had to write something before hand and I guess I realized that I really need a deadline in order to make something happen. I’m not sure how often we will meet - weekly, biweekly, or monthly, but I’m super excited.

I feel very blessed in my life right now and again thank the lord that I moved to maine because none of this would’ve happened if I hadn’t. The problem with living somewhere where there are millions and millions of people is that you get lost in the crowd. Yes, there is a lot going on, but I never felt like I belonged to any of it. I tried a few things. Went to a few churches in search of god/dess, did a few other random things, but nothing ever stuck. Here, I’ve just found such a good niche and I feel like I belong… like at the music store I take lessons at, and my group, and at work, and even in the neighborhood (since they are all related to me and have to talk to me).  It’s just very cool being a child of nomads to feel at home somewhere and yet have the independence to feel that I could go anywhere too. But why would I want to?

I’ve been doing kind of a shoddy job at work lately. I turned in a project that really sucked and got called on it. I’ve had a lot going on but I still have plenty of time during the day to get my job done and do it right. So that sort of sucks, but all I can do is start over and do better. My boss wasn’t too hard on me. He said I should take it as a complement that he hardly ever had to say anything to me about the quality of my work. I’m not too sensitive about it but I feel bad. My friend D is on her wedding/honeymoon cruise so I’m a little bored without her. My friend A is still there but he can get on my nerves wicked bad sometimes. He overthinks everything and he can be a real Eeyore. And he’s a perfectionist control freak. But I love him (as only a straight married girl can love her gay guy friend).

I have piano tomorrow and my songs aren’t coming along, probably because I haven’t practiced them at all. I have a recital June 9 and I have to have them memorized. This is year 2 for me on this. The problem is that I just dont’ like the songs she picked and I’m still mad at her for the way the whole thing went down. She irks me sometimes… I don’t know why. I guess it’s pride or something that I pick up in her and it rubs me the wrong way.. or some really big need for people to say that she plays well… it’s sort of sad actually, but I’ve never been one to play into people’s hands. That’s mean I guess… if she needs approval that much, I should just give it to her. Anyway, whatever. Maybe it’s my own issue with not wanting to see people’s weaknesses or something.. I’m sure I could psychoanalyze but it’s strawberry shortcake time!

Heard a funny song today but Loudon Wainwright III called President’s day. The lyrics about how he is sad it’s president’s day because the president sucks. : ) He is Martha Wainwright’s father, who I love, love, love and who is coming out with a new album very very soon. Got some cds in the mail saturday from a friend. Mildred Bailey, who is an old jazz singer and some other stuff. Haven’t really had a chance to listen to it yet, but maybe tomorrow in the car…

Today was rainy and foggy and an utterly perfect day to sleep in and be ecstatic about it! Awww… sweet sweet slumber. J had to work. I spent a good part of the day wrapping up my freelance project - done now and I’ve already sent the invoice in. Yay! Then cleaned the bathrooms, tried to fix a leaky faucet, and looked for things to decorate the bedroom with. The current plan is to take an antique quilt from J’s grandmother or great grandmother? and hang it up behind the bed… then color coordinate around that. I think that will look nice. The house in general is altogether much more feng shui than before and I’m loving it.

Was thinking today about what draws me to certain people… you know the type you think about even though you don’t know why. I have friends who I think are funny and who I care about, but the people who I really get into are the ones who turn me onto something new and cool. Someone I can talk about books and music and stuff with. I have my family, and J is great for turning me on to stuff I would never stumble on on my own, but in terms of friends, not so much. That’s why when someone comes along who argues with me about what I belive in, and who is willing to suggest things I might like.. that really turns me on.. you know, in a platonic kind of way (usually). : ) Yeah, that’s what it is.

Well, back to work tomorrow. drag drag drag. Worked on my book for the first time in a week. It’s getting to a pretty juicy part. I reformatted it so it more closely fits an actual printed page, so now I’m on page 63!! hey hey hey! Not too shabby. It’s fun and I have no idea how it ends!

I read this quote recently “Nerds are people who aren’t afraid to be passionate about something.” I think people and their little quirks are great. The wierder the quirk, the better. Those little things that make you smile involuntarily when you think of certain people. Like the fact that they listen to kooky music, or are madly into video games, or they vaccuum out the door so their carpet doesn’t mat down. Think of all the people you know and what makes them unique. Let’s see…

My oldest sister… plans everything.

My middle sister…puts butter on vegan pumpkin waffles

My husband… used to vaccuum me out the door (before we moved in together and assimilated as one, slightly messy person).

My mother in law… buys gray everything…including a specially ordered toilet and bathtub (car, house, etc.)

My father in law… buys grey goose to display on his bar and then uses Smirnoff to make the drinks

My mother… gets vertigo when she realizes she has a grandson

My father….has over 300 unusable outboard motors

Me… what do people say about me? I wonder.

Anyway… I can appreciate people. They make me laugh and keep me interested. Why would anyone put any effort into trying to be normal anyway?

Next subject…synchronicity. Had a weird experience a week or so ago. Was reading Jung and about symbols of the self. Had a dream about my saphire and diamond ring. The next night I turned the page in my book and it said that dreaming about saphire and diamonds were symbols of the “self.” Weird. Jung analyzed himself by his doodles. He doodled mandalas. I was doodling today and my favorite doodle is a spiral, starting at the middle and working outwards. I was thinking consciously about the doodle and wondering what it meant. And then I thought “What would I call this, a spiral? Maybe a “nautilus.” At the EXACT same moment…exact… my coworker was talking to someone about work and said the word “nautilus.” Totally unrelated…totally out of the blue. How weird is that?

Dreams

Oh, speaking of which…dreams. Dreamt I was married to Troy Aikman. He was in the military and we were stationed at Yokota. He had a constant toothache which made his temper flare up. He was depressed because his friend Cap got transferred. We had really loud sex in our room in the barracks. Then he left. He thought I would stay in the room but I went off base to check things out. I hadn’t been out before and felt kind of out of my element. There was a building with a bunch of military men in. One of them was yelling at the others that they shouldn’t be in there. Then I could see (as if I was inside) the commander talking to my husband… talking about his toothache and the fact that he couldn’t control his temper. He was going to be honorably discharged. Then the commander told me and I started crying.

Our bird friend is attacking J. I think she’s lonely. : ( Was eating healthy till the oreo blizzard and cosmo. Got $15 for my boots.