Thanks for the fish

Just got the call that Eddie the Grouse is dead. : ( Apparently he flew into my in-laws window and broke his neck. At least that’s the news from the mother-in-law. We hadn’t seen him around much lately. This year he was hanging out with my father in law who fed him birdseed and befriended him. Oh well, it’s sad. I feel bad that he never seemed to find a mate or anything. He just hang around here for a few years. I know I hated the bird at one time, but we had made our peace. A few times this year he’d meet me in the mornings and chase my car up the driveway. I wonder how long they’re natural lifespan is. I can’t help but partially blame my in-laws for feeding him and befriending him, but I know there is no point in blame at this point. It is what it is. And so it goes.

The approaching winter is having a profound affect on my energy level. I used my grow light this morning for 15 minutes at 70% intensity. Maybe it worked a little. I was feeling a little manic this morning and was a little ornery with a coworker. I was just giving him a hard time, but then I felt bad. Anyway, now I’m exhausted and ready for bed, which is about par for the course lately. Yesterday I went to the gym and did some jogging and felt way better. Exercise definitely helps. The problem is that I’m so damn tired and listless that it’s a miracle that I get to the gym at all. I guess I just have to remember the good feeling it gives me and let that motivate me.

Dietarily I’ve also noticed some changes. I’m mainly living on bread, cheese, and wine, which could explain my bathroom habits lately, or lack thereof. I suppose this is typical of the season though.What else could our ancestors do but eat things they stored…starchy things. fermented things.

Ok, so I’ve been a little infuriated lately with all this “spread the wealth” socialist crap. For one thing, I personally don’t think socialism is a 4 letter word. Second of all, when you make 45K a year, I’m all for spreading the wealth. Spread it my way, brother! I can’t help but lose all respect for my peers who are republicans. It’s just so infuriating. I’m paying nearly a third of my income on taxes under the bush adminsitration for wars and cronies and making sure the fat cats are taken care. If this damn idiots would realize that the republicans aren’t out to protect them…. ARGH. I got in a fight with my piano teacher tonight over this. And things are getting heated at work. I used to have good natured arguments with a young (cute) guy I work with and he stills sends me these inflammatory emails, but I can’t even be good natured about it anymore. I really hope to God that Obama wins. Now, I’m not like some people and I don’t think Obama is the savior. I don’t even know if so-called “socialist” ideas are the right answer. But I do know this… whoever we elect, the government is going to spend a shitload of money on something and taxes (for me anyway) are most likely going to stay the same. Do I want to potentially help people less fortunate than me, or do I want rich people to get richer and more poor orphans in Iraq to suffer? (sorry I just had to put a shamelss emotional plee in there.. it seemed like the politically correct thing to do.)

Rant over. I need to write my novel so I quit working. That’s my goal for this weekend. I have tomorrow off! Good move, me! 3 day weekends rock.

since I hate to complain about my health here (do I?) I probably won’t have much to talk about. I’m feeling rough and I’m a horrible sick person. I’m self-diagnosing and self-treating so hopefully I’m doing it correctly and will be back to feeling good by the end of the long weekend. In the meantime, I guess it’s not so bad being laid-up. I just finished an excellent book called “excellent women” by Barbara Pym. My mom found it somewhere and loved it, then my dad read it and loved it. Then I read and loved it. It’s the first book I’ve read all summer that I’ve really loved. I wonder how that happens.It was just a very comfortable book…like an old friend. How’s that for a cliche.

Sooo… what do we think about this VP pick? Oh aren’t the democrats mad?! I sort of snicker smugly to myself because as much as I will never vote for John McCain and as much as it pains me to see a bright woman who doesn’t support women’s reproductive rights, I still love to see a woman (who is not a wife) be standing up there with him. I have to admit that Hillary losing was a blow to me. I would love to see a black man be president and I’d love to see a woman be president, and I never thought I would see it in my lifetime (guess I still might not, but worst case scenario I will at least see a woman vp), but it seems a shame that one had to knock the other out. I guses I’m a little depressed about it when I think about it, but in my current state (sitting here in my bathrobe and feeling absolutely pathetic) I’m pretty much depressed about everything. Not in the mental health definition of the word…just feeling a little bit like things could have worked out a bit better. But didnt’.

I don’t think I slept at all last night. But to make myself feel a little better, I did stick to my plan today of having: no more than 4 cigarettes, no more than 1 diet coke, and no more 1 alcoholic beverage. In fact, I had no alcoholic beverage, mostly because I had nothing at home except the bourbon, and that really calls for a desperate situation more desperate than the current one. I tried to get the hubby to go out to the local gas station quicky mart for red wine and ben & jerry’s, and for a minute I thought he would actually do it (that shows how pathetic I really must seem). And I think he even really would have done it if I had pressed him to.

I brought work home to do this weekend. I’ve actually reached the point of feeling stressed out just thinking about work. Usually I can leave it at work. So I won’t think about it right now. Good plan, and good night.

*Important news bulletin*
Hillary wears pant suits! And sometimes they are yellow! Don’t you know that yellow pant suits can seriously impede the successful running of a country! Oh, and she’s a bitch too, with a shrill voice. (and she doesnt’ have a penis). Oh, and she’s not super model attractive either. And kind of old and wrinkly. Just thought you should know.

Anyhoo, so I got a few things crossed off my garden list. 5 things to be precise. Here are some pictures.

There we go… basically I got all the clover out of this area, which was intermingled with all the periwinkle and then I mulched the hell out of it. I have no doubt the clover will come back, but what can I do? mulch, mulch, and mulch some more. There’s my non-flowering flowering dogwood. Had it 3 years… 4 years? and the damn thing has never bloomed. Oh well. Would like to buy a buckeye.

Started on my book. whoo hoo! Was supposed to write 11 pages, but only got one done. But I’ve started and that’s all that matters. I’ve been working on my piano song, but I don’t feel like I’m making a helluva lot of progress. It sounds rough. So basically, today was super lovely, but made my head hurt. Everything makes my head hurt lately. But maybe that’s a good sign…maybe that means synapses are forming or something. : )

Went up to J & Js to see J’s crazy aunt and uncle from baltimore. Still crazy. : ) and I got a super duper out of the deal. Now I’m making a frozen pizza. I’ve been eating a bunch of crap lately. Oh well… Back to work tomorrow. : ( 2 day weekends really aren’t enough. But I’m determined to be productive and fabulous at work from now on.

One more picture from teh garden:

Wild iris along my driveway. I think this is what they call “blue flag” but I’m not 100% sure. But I know I didn’t plant it. My other irises are flowering too. gorgeous! I love irises.

What’s a girl to do?

Stressful day. Still mulling over a career change. It’s a really hard decision. I think I’ve decided “no” though. It seems silly to turn down a 10K raise and lots and lots of bennies, but my heart is telling me what to do. It’s not like I’m just resisting change. When it comes to jobs, I’m usually all for change (even when there are serious incentives to stay). Change is good. But I feel like even with a big pay raise and working with people I know and love… I feel like it would be a step backward. I finally got a 100% writing job, which has been my goal forever and ever amen. I can’t let money make all my decisions for me. Plus, I live in Maine… I need to start cutting the cord and start making contacts here. I don’t live in VA anymore. Deal! Whoa…did I just make a decision?? Am I being dumb?

Running around like a chicken with my head cut off today, getting my UK passport stuff together. $200! What a racket. Must be ready for the worst for the 2008 elections though… already scoping out a cute little cottage in the Cotswolds… I’ll call it “Happy Hollow.”

Met my friend and old coworker for lunch today. All I can say is… glad it ain’t me!

That Al Gore… what a man of integrity! I hate the media! I hate politicians! I have a shitload of things to be doing tonight!

I may be away for a few days… don’t take it personally. I’ll be busy changing diapers and trying not to be offended by rude remarks from various family members. And trying not to melt in excessively hot and humid and inhumane temperature.