Thanks for the fish

is one of the smartest people I know. Served in military intelligence (which he said was an oxymoron) for 30 years, member of mensa… etc, etc. So, it’s logical that I turn to his natural cures for the common cold, namely…wine. Not quite as good as nyquil though since it doesn’t last as long, but a few glasses should get me through the afternoon… picked up a nice nice nice bottle of Bogle old vine zinfandel.. loverly!

Went to the doctor (nurse practicioner actually) and it appears likely that I’ll live to see another day. I do have to get a mammogram (yuk) and an ultrasound, just to be sure. The fun never ends. I mean, I can accept death and all that jazz, but does the human body really have to like this? So vulnerable and shit. Can’t we just sign a contract and say “yeah, i’ll live for 73 years, but I don’t want anything unpleasant!!!!” This cold is killing me too. I’ve been completely overwhelmed and on the verge of tears for 3 days. I like to think I have resilience, but…well… not so much.

I’m holding a grudge against virginia since in my mind that’s where I picked up the cold (and the lump). I hate travelling. I hate it I hate it I hate it. And to think I was considering a job wehre I’d travel once a month. yuk!!! I don’t want to go to california. I don’t want to go anywhere. Ever. Again. It’s gross and disgusting, demoralizing, traumatic. I HATE IT!

I’m just pissed off for some reason, at everyone and everything. I want to curl up in a ball, put a blanket over my head and stay there for a month! 

Alright, enough of that. The fear of imminent death must have something good going for it… must work on my book! Must leave my brilliance to posterity! Life is rough, man. Everyone I know is going through an existential crisis, including me. It’s no wonder wine was invented so long ago. How else would we get by? wine and sex. and narcissicm. Good book title??  How’s thtat for drunken sick rambling?

a cleaning lady. Yay! Not that it’s going to affect me too much, since I don’t really clean anyway. But it will be nice to have a clean house. And certain people can stop nagging. J said something about hiding my you-know-what… like I care that the cleaning lady knows I do that. puleaze.

Anyhoo… I get all introspective and stuff during the day as I’m locked in dark dank cube land and I get all these crazy ideas… then I come out into the sun (err..clouds..) and cheer up. Then I have a few cosmos and cheer up even more. Right now, I’m at about 49% on the cheer-o-meter.

But back earlier when I was at about 15%, this is what I was thinking. I can’t guarantee that any of it will make any sense.

Have you ever seen the movie Memento? It’s about a guy who has no short term memory and can’t make new memories. But he can remember what happened up to a certain point, which is when his wife was murdered. So he tattoos himself with clues about who killed her and every day has to sort through the clues again sometimes not understanding his clues from the day before. Then at the end, he figures it out, but realizing that then he’ll have nothing to live for (since his quest is complete), he writes a false clue to himself. The next day he wakes up, forgets he’s solved it and the quest continues.

Sometimes I think I do that too. I create things that aren’t there…things that could go away if I’d let them (and should!!) but then I miss them and I feel an emptiness. So I nurse them and bring them back and then they make me miserable! But what’s the alternative? Peace and contentment? Blech!! At least it’s something real I’m feeling when I’m miserable. Of course it sucks at the time, but there’s a certain relish in it. I guess when you feel that bad you have to believe that if you got what you wanted, that you’re miserable that you don’t have, then it would have to be the opposite of misery, which is bliss. See the logic?

I’m actually not miserable at this particular moment. But I’m considering making myself so. It will take some effort though, so now I’m in the watchful waiting phase to see if something just naturally occurs to bring it on. Wouldn’t want to overdo it. Or I guess I could just do something productive like write a fucking novel!

Speaking of which… some notes about the archetypal journey.. http://www.mcli.dist.maricopa.edu/smc/journey/  Guess I should pick up this book by joseph cambell.. I was way into him in college.

And was researching stuff for work (really!) and came across some jazz quotes.

“Sustained intensity equals ecstasy.” Wynton Marsalis
I think I know what he’s talking about… I think he’s talking about flow. I’ve gotten this when I meditate, when for a split second, you’re there, and it is ecstasy, and then you have the thought “this is ecstasy” and then poof, it’s gone. I’ve also gotten this playing the piano. When I was practicing arpeggios just going as fast as I could and then I’d hit a few perfect runs… it was beyond thought, it was just happening. I guess you could get that feeling playing ping pong too. Or video games.

“Writing is like jazz. It can be learned, but it can’t be taught.”
Paul Desmond

“I believe in things that are developed through hard work. I always like people who have developed long and hard, especially through introspection and a lot of dedication. I think what they arrive at is usually a much deeper and more beautiful thing than the person who seems to have that ability and fluidity from the beginning. I say this because it’s a good message to give to young talents who feel as I used to.”

Bill Evans

I’m sleepy. Here’s a random picture from my collection (I won’t even look when choosing it).

 What’s that? Oh, that’s a big field by my house. Pretty sky.

well now i’m on my 2nd glass of wine and schnockered again and am getting chatty but j is watching some boring tutorial and is ignoring me, so I’ll get back on here. A few thoughts:

1. wine is good. whoever invented it is a genius

2. i am never ever ever evereverever having children. my sister has gone insane. all she does is talk about poop and throw up and how worried she is and how guilty she feels blah blah blah. she was boring before but now she’s super duper boring. and more annoying. The parents out there will love me for saying this (i know from personal experience how parents love how I compare my pets to their children)… I used to have ferrets and ferrets are the most adorable, sweet, lovable things in the whole wide world, but they are also very short lived and prone to cancer and insulinoma.. you name it. I had ferrets from the time I moved out of my parents house (day 1!) and about 3 years ago. My first ferret was Cleo and she was lovely. She loved leather and would go through my purse and find my wallet and run off with it. It was so cute. Anyway, partly because of my own stupidity (guilt guilt guilt) she didn’t live very long. : ( It was awful. Anyway, then Tony got sick. Then I got Izzy and she was ok. Then Tony died and that was awful. Then I got Zoe, and she died of Lymphoma, that was awful. And finally Izzy died of adrenal cancer. I put them all down, except Cleo, who died in surgery. Anyway, I loved those little guys more than life itself, but I did nothing but worry about them from the day I got them. Constantly… I worried about if they were happy. I worried about if they were safe. I worried about if they were healthy. I worried about if they were bored. In a way, it was hell. This is how I imagine parenthood to be. I loved them more than anything (and am a bit tempted to adopt another), but I feel so free and liberated right now. Cats are total cake compared to ferrets… especially with the litter robot. So, as far as I’m concerned, I’ve already had kids and outlived them. And I have absolutely no desire to go through that again. And for the people who say “who will take care of you when you’re older” I’ll tell you. All the money I save from NOT having kids will pay for a lovely nursing home for me, so don’t worry about that. Suckers!!! 

3.  Anyway… I actually do like children. Next subject… because I can’t let go. Based on information gathered from the web, I take it that someone I used to work for is not doing very well. And I have mixed feelings about it. One is a bitter sort of something. The other is that, people who take all they can out of life, well maybe they should. Because you never know what’s going to happen. Does he have regrets? I don’t know. I would guess not, but who knows what impending death will do to your psyche. I feel bad because I don’t wish that on anyone. I sound cold and I’m not trying to, because I have compassion. It just makes me think that some people who seem to have everything don’t, and there’s no point walking around with a big scowl on your face (as I am want to do) because I’m living a great life and should be appreciating everything (which I actually am.. I just get grumpy sometimes). 

4. I think someone skimped when they produced that bottle of wine, because I only got 4 glasses out of it. I’m totally trashed. What to do till bedtime? Ok, good night. I think I’ll take a nap until it’s time for bed. bonk. 

I have a friend from high school who I lost touch with for along time but now we’re emailing back and forth. She’s kind of interesting. She travels a lot with her husband. She’s half Japanese and he’s European. There’s something kind of strange about her. I do sort of like her though. She’s like how I think of “typical” Japanese people. Very competitive and concerned with outward appearances. Yet, she has a way of being very honest in a way that most people aren’t. And we talk about things that wouldn’t normally come up in conversation. She’s almost like a little kid in some ways, yet very experienced in other ways. I guess she was always sort of like that… very very naïve. Yet well heeled… I feel like all of our emails are “Have you been to Paris ? “ No, never Paris, though I love London . “Oh I was in St. Petersburg recently and then went scuba diving in Tortuga .” It’s kind of exhausting. Especially for a country bumpkin like me. : ) I don’t know why I even bother playing the game really. I should just tell her, “Look, I’m just a hick!”

It seems like some people get completely lost in their own little lives… kids and jobs and the 20 mile radius around “home.” And others are off everywhere and seem completely unfocused. I guess it’s human nature to think that you have it all figured out and all of your friends are completely hopeless! Though it’s also eye opening to realize that they’re thinking the same exact thing about you. But that’s why we’re living the lives we’re living,… because we’re doing what has meaning for ourselves. I guess for me, I just want to pursue my own interests in my own little quiet way. I don’t really have grand plans. I’d like to publish a book. I’d like to be a great piano player and a songwriter. Mostly though I just want to express what’s inside and get as much joy out of life as I can. Laugh, have fun, be calm, be insightful and learn as much as I can… not just from the external world, but about my own psyche too. Meet interesting people, have some experiences. I don’t think there’s a big secret to it all. I’m not driven. Of course I do get a lot more laid back in the summer…. Goals?? What are those?? I just want to dig in the dirt and play with the pretty flowers.