Thanks for the fish

running. I know I shouldn’t. even worse, I shouldn’t have talked J out of it. But I’m in that pms-y achy thing right now… I guess I could’ve given it a try but don’ tfeel like it would have been very successful. So we’ll try again tomorrow. Piano was canceled too (! After all that practicing of Your Cheatin’ Heart), so I just went grocery shopping and then home. Now I’m drinking some nice red wine and kicking back. My whole body just kind of hurts. And I’m having hot flashes. And cold flashes.And random body pains.

But now that I decided not to run, I do feel oodles better. A littlel more energetic, a little happier. : ) My plan of attack for tonight, etc.: Work on my short story, which will win an award, and I’ll base my novel on, sell it for lots of money, and buy my mini. Success is simply a plan that you follow through on. And that is my plan.

Ok… (stalling time lapse)… guess I will go do it now. : )

Yes I AM good at those clever blog titles, aren’t I? I guess that’s why they pay me the big bucks to be a copywriter. hmm.. But let’s not talk about work. What then?

Running… Ok, that’s an exageration…let’s call it wogging… it looks sort of like jogging, but is no faster than walking. But I have moved up on my progress… Now I am wogging for 5 minutes at a time! exciting! Painful! But it did not kill me…so good news. I also did not have a single cigarette today.

The reason I had zero ciggies today… well, I’m freaking otu a little about my health. I’m having some health problems, that I’m sure are minor and will most likely go away on their own, and have absolutely nothing to do wtih my lungs or smoking, but you know.. .once that “fear of mortality” mentality takes hold, all logic is useless. Though I suppose sucking 250 known harmful chemicals into my lungs every 2 hours is probably not totally logical either. I will miss it though. If I can control my stress level at work, I can be successful at this. In the meantime, I know the good product development folks at proctor and gamble can surely invent a non-cancer causing cigarette. I mean, how hard is this? You can invent 200 different types of toothpaste, but not this? IT’s very annoying… I think they’re just unfocused.

I’ve found a writing contest to apply to. Wait, did I already talk about this last night? If so, I’m sorry…The deadline is Dec. 1 and the word limit is 1500. The subject I have decided on: Cheating! Not as in marital/sexual cheating (I don’t think).. .just cheating as a general strategy to get ahead. what do you think? 

I think things are looking up. I get sucked into weird things sometimes but once they are out of sight, they are miraculously out of mind. Yay, me! Than god I’m such a simpleton. But I’m still trying to find ways to add some meaning to my life. I think the busier I am, the more people I meet, the better. Maybe it’s just distraction… or maybe it’s putting myself out there in order to expose myself to all that life has to offer (i know.. blah blah blah)… But several people I know have had weird synchronicitous stuff happen to them lately. Where was I going with this? I don’t know… 

I really want to buy a mini! And on that note, I’m going to have a shower, get ready for bed, and hopefully fall into a deep and dream filled sleep.

Oh, I finished “how to be good” by Nick Hornby.  A little depressing given my current life situation but funny as hell at some points too. Now back to “when god was a woma.”  

Loompa…and feel like I’m going to puke. I went for my walk/run and this time it really did nearly kill me. My face is beyond red… it is orange. But I did  it! I haven’t progressed onto the next week…I’m stuck doing 90 seconds of jogging, 90 walking, 3 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking, repeat. The worst part is that the last 3 minute run is up a big hill and by that point I can barely breathe or move my legs. Oh well… I also did my weights today and some kayaking (more on that shortly).

NOw I have a glass of 3 blind moose Riesling in front of me that I think I may be too nauseous/dehydrated to drink…but Ill try anyway. Since the sun is still shining (!) I wanted to get out and do some “quiet water” kayaking, even though I had a million other things to do. I picked a place pretty close to here… a pond. J didn’t have much interest in it because he doesn’t like doing anything that involves water and doesn’t involve risking our lives. So he’s an ocean guy… I, on the other hand, like peaceful, serene, non-life-threatening trips. It was lovely. Some of the trees are already turning colors..the red maples. yeah, it seems early, but they were sure pretty. It was very peacefl and we saw a bit of wildlife. A heron and a kingfisher, and an osprey. And some water lilies. It was much easier to prepare for this trip too because we didn’t need to bring as much stuff or wear our spray skirts or any of that crap. And no rinsing off afterward because it was fresh water. fun!

Before we took off for the pond I stopped at best buy and bought a pocket size digital camera. It seems a bit excessive and I guess i didn’t really need it (why do I feel so guilty about this?) but I have wanted one for a long time. J has a big clunky SLR digital. I have a big clunky SLR non-digital. I wanted one I could just slip in my purse so I don’t have to make a big production out of taking a picture. Plus, I wanted to start documenting our kayaking adventures on a blog. So now I’m charging the battery and even plan on reading the instructions and learning whaty all the buttons mean (my least favorite thing in the world to do). It’s a Sony Cybershot. They didn’t have it in any pretty colors in stock, so it’s just silver. But it seems nice… small, portable. It was $179, then $29 for teh memory car, and $30 for a carrying case. J owed me about $240 and that’s what it cost so he just put it on his credit card. how perfect!

I found a short story competition to enter. The deadline is December 1 so I have some time. Maybe between now and then my slackass writing group will decide to meet so I can get some feedback. I don’t have a subject yet..though I thought maybe I’d do a mystery/horror…like an Edgar Allen Poe type thing…? Who knows. : )

I paid off my credit card bill for the umpteenth time today. Maybe this time I’ll make it stick! I suppose I shouldn’t buy a mini cooper… but I want to. I’m completely out of debt… I do still need something a bit more fuel efficient..and I sort of want something cute and cool… but I hate to have a car loan again. It seems kind of silly.

Tonight I need to do some canning or freezing or something with all my tomatoes. Then I have some work I really need to do… Never got around to painting the bathroom… dinner… reading… piano… I bought a book of easy country songs, like Hank Williams “your cheatin heart” to work on. They’re very easy, but I told my teacher I needed something to build up my confidence. So it’s good.

a bogle cab sab for dinner…dinner of champions, but lovely nonetheless, especially after I went for my run! Yes, the streak continues. Still at 90/90, 3 minutes/3 minutes X 2. I picked J up from training in SoPo and then got stuck in traffic, decided to just home and run instead of go in Portland…then I had to stop at the store for cat food (and wine) and it started raining so we went to the other gym closer by our house. It felt good to run. I’ve been uber stressed…too much work and other crap upsetting me. Smoking like a chimney (and loving it).

I bought this proactiv zit cream stuff, which seems odd since I’m 34 but I’m tired of my skin looking like crap, and I have to say, it seems to work. My skin looks good. And now that my hair is a nice color again, I think I’m finally crawling out of my ugly phase. Thank god for that. Though, of course that doesn’t mean that I can’t still have a crisis a day related to getting older. Hope this phase passes!

I started How to Be Good, by Nick Hornby last night and so far love love love it! It’s so funny and boy do I like that british humor. See, that’s the kind of book I could totally write (if I had a plot and more talent). But speaking of books and plots.. I was driving home and told J I needed a damn plot, and he came up with some good stuff… I realize I need something more than a stupid sappy love story/existential novel crap… so I’m thinking big here. I’ve written some notes and am going to start tonight. I need this. I need a book. I need to do something goddamn impressive. And that’s the end of teh story.

What else? Men suck. I hate them. They can kiss my ass. That goes for both straight and gay men. I remain totally brilliant at work, yet rather unproductive. I spend most of my time going out for smokes, going out for lunch, going to the bathroom (even though I don’t really have to go that bad). I just cant’ seem to stay at my desk for more than 20 minutes at a time. But as long as I keep producing work, I guess no one can say anything…? Who knows.

Yeah…ok, so let’s work on that book, eh?

Ok, it’s that time of the year… summer is fading (at least I feel like it is), days are getting shorter and I’m getting into my obsessive compulsive planning phase again. Goals goals goals! No more sitting around moping! In order to stay out of funky thoughts and depressive moods, I’m just going to keep really busy. And do stuff that scares me (that’s extra good because then you waste a lot of time before hand being scared).

 

 

I actually have lots of things that scare me coming up.

 

 

1)       Next week I get to tip my kayak over on purpose! And I’m paying good money to do it too. : ) ACK! Yeah, that really scares me. I’m almost hyperventilating thinking about it.

 

2)       I’m participating in a conference and have no idea what I’m supposed to be talking about. And public speaking probably scares me more than almost anything else on earth (including drowning). That should take care of a few sleepless night s where I might be tempted to think about other things.

 

 

Next on my list:

 

 

1)       I’m going to sign up for a writing workshop. That scares me almost as much as public speaking. I guess I don’t really feel like a “real writer” since I haven’t had any fiction published. And nothing really complete ever written. Hmm… But I am trying, so what the hell. I don’t know what I’ll get out of it, but if nothing else, maybe I’ll meet some new people who like writing too. Or else I’ll hate it and just cross it off my list and know I’m not missing out on anything. : )

 

2)       I’d like to sign up for a swimming class. I’ve always loved swimming and this is one of those things (like the piano) that has been on my list for the last 10 years and I’ve just never gotten around to doing it. I guess I keep waiting till I lose those 10 pounds so I don’t have to be self conscious walking around in a bathing suit. Now that’s a dumb reason not to try something!

 

 

Maybe I’ll even try a lobster! Eeuuww yuk.  And maybe one day I’ll learn to dance (very scary!).

 

 

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match! Hmm… my friend D at work said to me today, “I wish you weren’t married or I’d set you up with my brother.” Aww… how sweet. She said “yeah, you’d be perfect for each other. You’re really into your cats, and your smart, and he likes red hair.” Ha! So I started thinking…hmm.. my sister is single. So she lives in a different state, big deal. She was just saying the other night how she wished she could meet someone. I need to get her back up here for another visit. If only we’d planned it better, we could’ve had them meet. What’s that? Anti-synchronicity?

 

 

Lately I’ve been totally amazed by what women I know are doing. Living their dreams, conquering fears…it’s awesome. I got an invitation on linkedin to connect with this girl I worked with years ago. We weren’t particularly close, but I thought she was cool and smart. We just never hung out. Now, she does children’s art. Like murals, furniture, T-shirts, etc. and they are so cool! I’m going to order a shirt from my nephew and probably something for my friend J who is pregnant. Sounds like she still has a full time gig too, but I love that she’s using her talent and passion.

 

 

Then I ran across the website of a more recent former colleague. Again, this was a girl who I never really hung out with, but I always admired her because she’s obviously very smart and very talented. She had anorexia and had been hospitalized for it toward the end of my stay at my last job. Now she’s started a clothing company that sells T-shirts that say things like “count kisses, not calories.” “Recovering perfectionist” And my favorite one “mudflap refugee” which has a picture of those sexy ladies on the mudflaps of trucks.  You go, girl! Now I just need to write that damn novel so I can be part of the awesome woman club.

 

 

Something funny I keep forgetting to write about. On the blog.com stats that occasionally work, but don’t lately, I can see what search items people used to come to my blog. Some recent ones:

 

 

06/Aug/2007	after drinking peeing blood (page 1)
2)	05/Aug/2007	i need somewhere to fish (page 1)
3)	04/Aug/2007	sobriety is boring (page 22)
4)	03/Aug/2007	nighty night bugs (page 1)
5)	01/Aug/2007	joseph campbell (page 4)

 

 

Ha! My favorite one is “Sobriety is Boring” page 22 of google results!! Wow… I guess sobriety really IS boring if you get to page 22 of google. My god. That’s just… patient. Unfortunately my stats don’t work at all anymore. Now I can’t obsess about that.

 

 

Running update: Already have my 2 days in and it’s only Wednesday. I’m up to 6 laps of running. I think soon I may make it out of the driveway!! Exciting!!

 

 

Well, off to piano and I didn’t practice at all this week. That should be fun. Tomorrow I have a work party that I’m actually looking forward to. I just need to try not to get too drunk… but hey, sobriety is boring, so that’s out of the question too. Wouldn’t want to end up searching to page 22 of google or anything (not that I’ve never done it)…