Thanks for the fish

my massage. We’re in San Antonio and having a pretty good time. I have to admit my marriage has been on the rocks a bit. I’ve been thinking about divorce a lot. Like seriously. I’ve been thinking about my freedom and the fact that me and J aren’t even nice to each other. Even wtih the occasional sex, it’s still pretty sad. I spent some time with my friend A and her husband yesterday, and J. And throughout the day, I just kept imagining having to say to A soon that I was divorced. And my state of mind turned from “I wish I could get rid of him” to “holy crap, he’s going to get rid of me” and that knd of changes everything.

It’s certainly happened before. And then there goes the self esteem. So I thought it was time for a talk, which consisted of 20 seconds of “what’s wrong, do you want a divorce?” and then he started being a bit nicer. We have double beds so we’re sleeping separetly so that in itself is a bit weird (but also in a way, nice). Today was better and we pooped around, got spa treatments, laid by the pool. It’s a little chilly here, but obviously a LOT warmer and snow free. I hear in Maine we got a snow storm. Shocker. Well, I have to go back for my massage now on full stomach and a few glasses of red wine. I’m lookng forward to it. G’night.

be on vacation! We are leaving early tomorrow (6 am or so) to drive to Boston, to fly to St. Louis, to connect and land in San Antonio, Texas. To give you the full background, I lived in San Antonio when I was a wee tot. Born in Alaska, we moved to San Antonio, I *think* when I was but a few months old, and then lived there till I was about 5. But that is probably wrong, because it doesn’t make sense that I would have lived anywhere for that long when I was growing up.

Anyway, obviously I remember nothing about it. My first memories are of California… a wildfire burning in the distance…bugs bunny cartoons… an Alice in Wonderland towel that I used for naptime at Washington Elementary School in Santa Barbara, California. The toilet overflowing at same kindergarten. Was I the one that made it overflow? I dunno. But I know I sure as hell never fell asleep at naptime, and that made me damn nervous. (I’m such a rule follower..I thought I was breaking the rule by not falling asleep!)

I went back to San Antonio in 1998, soon after I started dating J. He was consulting in Dallas and instead of flying back to DC, his company allowed him to fly someone (even new girlfriends who may have no future) out to him, instead of him flying home). We had been dating, oh, a few months? We met in December and I think this was March or so. Two days before I was set to fly out, he got pulled off the project and was sent home. What did I do? I went to effing Texas anyway! My friend A (I have a lot of “friend As) lived in Austin, so she picked me up at the airport, we went to Waco to see some friends of hers, stayed the night. At the time she was dating a bisexual guy named I have no idea what. I didn’t like him all that much. I was afraid he would leave my friend for a guy and it just seemed like if you went both ways, you’re bound to go back to the gay side. I don’t know why I think that. But first, we stayed at a hotel outside of Dallas, in Irving or somewhere. $33 a night and I was 23 and thought it was the best freaking hotel for $33 a night I’d ever stayed in. It was called “the atrium” and indeed it was. All rooms looked out onto a club… not so quiet. But it was “a suite” and I was still pretty psyched. The boyfriend thought I was overly impressed, as I suppose I was.

Then we went to Austin. I remember we went to a Georgia O’Keefe exhibit at the Austin Museum of Art. We had gelato too (before I tasted the real thing in Italy). Then San Antonio. Her parents had just bought a place there. No, they were about to. I was actually staying at her parents place and her mother, who is an Argentina born ethnic Italian (I think) made the best effing gnocchi this girl has ever had. Holy yum. I love her mother. Her fater is ethnically Japanese (and I met her in Japan, ironically), but born in Argentina, raised in American, and through the Air Force ended up in Japan. Anyway, she showed me around San Antonio, we tried to find the house I lived in as a kid (I took a picture…), then we saw the Alamo, the Riverwalk, and the Mexican Marketplace.

I always have a great time with A She is intelligent, unselfconscious, and she just says what she’s feeling. It’s that latin influence and damn I wish I had it. I went to Lollapalooza (I just remembered this) in West Virginia with her. I drove my 1966 Corvair from northern virginia to Morgantown? WV and my car died as soon as we got there. We got someone? to push it into a parking spot and went and enjoyed the show. I remember jumping up and down to the Beastie Boys (and trust me,, I’m not the jump up and down type). I don’t know who else played, but I ran into a guy I worked with named Eddie Perez and it was just bizarre because we were in another state with thousands of strangers. I have a hard time recognizeing people out of context.

So, yes, we’ve gone down memory lane here. And now back to reality. Tomorrow we’re going on vacation, meeting up with A and her non-bi-sexual husband on Sunday and hopefully enjoying fabulous Mexican food and margaritas, etc. etc. So why did we choose Texas? We have a rule: wherever we go on vacation, one of us cannot have been there before. I’ve been there, J hasn’t. Personally, I wanted to go to Cancun, but I felt like I monopolized our vacation plans (ironic considering last night’s post about how he’s totally bossy), so I let him decide. And I’m ok with it.Because also in last night’s post, you see that I cannot make a fucking decision to save my life.

So I picked a new wine up at Hannaford tonight. I lvoe the Bogle Petite Syrah, so I’m trying the Bogle Old Vine Zinfandel (love zinfandel). It’s good, but I like the petite syrah better. Anyway, bon voyage.

I have other things I could write about… horrible public speaking incidents, fights with coworkers who I really love but get on my nerves, etc. etc. But I won’t . : ) Maybe I will blog from the road. I am really really really really looking forward to this. Hope it delivers (no pressure). 

is not a sight I see very often. My cats, for some odd reason, seem to keep their lunch intact most of the time. Or else they are puking somewhere out of sight (fine by me). But I’ve been hearing one of them hacking lately and then the other one barfed up a bunch of green slime tonight that looked eerily like a plant. I don’t feed them plants, so I started trying to figure out what plant they were eating and then I remembered! I dug up all my calla lillies last weekend and left them laying down in the basement to dry. Luckily the cat puked it up or I would’ve probably forgotten about them till Spring. So, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do tonight, I went down and trimmed all the leaves off and got them packed in peat moss. They looked a little weird, which makes me think I probably did something wrong, but oh well. Poor kitties.

I’m off to Virginia tomorrow for a bachelorette weekend. I’ve been sick and now I’m on anti-biotics, which always make me nauseous, and I’m burnt out and behind at work, so this is the part where I would normally say “I’d rather just stay home and rest.” But I called in sick yesterday and slept all day, so I’m actually looking forward to the trip. Mostly I’m looking forward to the football game I’m going to! My team is doing awesome and I can’t wait to see them live.

Work is getting tense. Everyone is stressed out and people are starting to fight. I see divisions forming, and I am perhaps on the losing side. The fact is, though, that I’m a loyal friend if nothign else, and if that means everyone else not liking me, so be it. Though I’d rather it not come to that. I think I will try to mend some fences next week, but for now, I won’t think about work. Actually I will probably end up doing work tomorrow morning and going into the office on the Monday holiday. I make myself sound like a martyr, but I rarely work more than 45 hours a week, if that. But all in all, it’s not that bad. I like being busy and I’m starting to feel like I have a good handle on stuff. The good thing about my boss leaving is that now I have more ownership of stuff, and as a control freak, I like that.

I’m a Doctor Zhivago mood lately, what with the weather getting cold and me getting gloomy. : ) Actually I’m not really gloomy, but there’s always somethign a little dark that comes over me once the days get darker. I’m not opposed to a little melancholy. After all, it gives me a chance to delve into some darker piano pieces. Last night, I was goign through some old piano books and I have a snippet from Lara’s theme (Somehwere My Love) that I like to play when I’m in a mood. I looked online for a longer version and then ended up not buying one. But at my lesson tonight, my teacher asked what I wanted to do for my next recital, so I told her I wanted to do Somewhere My Love. We found a really nice version online and then downloaded then and there. They could even choose the key. We got it in G and I played it and I love it! At the end, it switches to E (I think…4 flats) and I love it even more. I’m looking forward to playing that so many times that it drives J crazy.

Well, the election is starting to get ugly, no? I was thinking about when Clinton was first elected. I had just turned 18, so it was my first election. I hadn’t been a huge Clinton fan and had wanted Jerry Brown to win the primaries. But after my whole adolescence and childhood seeing Republicans in office, I was freaking ecstatic. I lived in northern virginia, so we went into DC for the inaugural parade… I bought a button… hmm… yes, I would like to relive that feeling. Go Obama! Ok, that’s officially the first time I’ve said that. I’ve been holding a grudge because of Hillary but I officially let it go now. I hope to god(des) McCain doesn’t win.

I’m on a 10 day course of antibiotics and have to take them every 6 hours. I hate to do this to my body. But I also hope that this will finally make me feel better. I’m sick of this crap!!

At work today, we’re making a funny video for a coworker who is leaving. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen myself on video, but it was a strange experience. I look and sound totally different than I thought I did. I also flip my hair a lot and make a lot of funny faces. But I was also kind of cute. : ) In the book I was reading “Eat, Pray, Love” the author has an eccentric friend who says about herself something like “I may not be the type to look good in everything, but sometimes I just can’t help but love myself.” That made me laugh. I feel like I’m so hard on myself most of the time, but every now and then I see myself like a little sister and just say to myself “Oh honey, it’s ok. You’re alright!” I know.. koo koo.

Well,that’s it. Time to pack. Camera, football gear, book, underwear, makeup, drink for the plane I will not check bags, I will not pay for a drink or snack, the airlines can kiss my damn ass. I hate em! But it’s better than driving for 12 hours.

So I’ve been reading some self help books lately and they have me convinced that I can do whatever I put my mind to! The problem is.. what do I want? I don’t know. As a woman, I have the never ending quest for beauty and perfection, but that one is getting a little old. Sure, I can always strive to be healthier and happier and have better hair and better clothes. But what do I really want to accomplish? When you’re in school, your goal is to graduate, get a good job. Then you keep trying for better jobs and better salaries. And then you reach your 30s… I have the job I want. I’m most likely not going to get paid better if I go to a different company (if I could even find a similar job at a different company). I’ve traveled fairly extensively… would like to travel more, but there isn’t really anywhere I’m dying to go. Even Africa is sort of losing its appeal. I’ve done some daring things, gotten over some fears. I’m by no means perfect, but it seems that I just don’t have any huge things I want to accomplish.

And then it occurred to me… oh yeah.. I was going to write a book! I think I’ve written this same exact post about a dozen times. How could I have this life long goal that I keep forgetting about. Did I smoke too much pot as a youth? Is the memory going already? And then I really start to overanalyze things and think, if I did write a book, then I’d have absolutely nothing to strive for. Then it would all be pointless. Should I just start picking goals randomly. Shouldn’t I be more ambitious and want to be president or something? But anyway. Ok, repetitious pep talk coming up.

I am going to write a book, starting tonight. I have an idea, which I won’t share, because all writers know that to share it is to lose it. I think I’ve chosen something that fits my personality, is something I think about a lot, and can be really funny. I won’t worry about whether it will sell or any of that stuff. I am just going to write it. Every day until it is done.

So, yes, I do believe that anyone can do pretty much what they set their mind to. The trick is to just keep doing it every day. That’s why I did yoga last night, and I’m running tonight, even though I have a stomach ache and my lungs are burning already.

Anyway, speaking of traveling, I also decided that I need to plan a vacation. For me, planning it is just as much fun as actually doing it (some times even more so). And the further ahead you plan it, the more time you can spend looking forward to it! Anticipation is just one of my favorite things. I don’t want to spend a ton of money, and I don’t want to go far, far away, but I want to go somewhere I’ve never been before. I think I’ll plan it for January/February because it’s never too early to plan a winter vacation. My first thought was Bermuda, but I think maybe it’s not super warm there in winter. Plus it’s very expensive. But it sounds impressive. My second thought was Grand Cayman. I have heard nothing but good things about this island. I think it’s expensive too, but frankly, I’m willing to splurge on a really great hotel, but not willing to spend a lot on airfare. After all, flying is a total nightmare so why do I want to splurge on that? I need to talk to J and see what he thinks. I’ve also always wanted to go to Jamaica, though maybe I’ve outgrown that and just haven’t realized it yet

winds to a close. I could totally use another week though. It’s been nice to stay home and sleep in my own bed each night, and I feel pretty relaxed and stuff, but I guess there is something to be said for leaving home for a vacation. But we didn’t spend too much moneyand we had a good time, so I’ll call it a success. : )

My sister, her husband, and my 17 month old nephew were here for the last few days - so needless to say, I’m exhausted. My nephew is really cute, and for the most part sweet, but boy is it tiring being around a toddler. You have to chase them around constantly to make sure they don’t kill themselves. He’s an active, squirmy little guy too who seemed to need constant entertainment or he started fussing. I suppose that’s normal. : ) He liked playing the piano though (I think he has some talent), 

Oh boy, ok so my mom just called and she fell down the stairs in their new house… these aren’t small stairs either and there was no rail up since it’s basically under construction. Apparently she’s black & blue and broke her clavicle. : ( And she’s 60 something years old. This is so mom though… my dad finds her at the bottom of the stairs in a heap and tries to get her up and she says “I’m just going to lay her for a minute. Why don’t you go make me a cup of tea?” tee hee… But she says she is ok…going to see an orthopedic surgeon about her broken bone tomorrow. Oy veh.

We went up to visit them and see their new house 2 days ago with my sister. It’s in the mountains of Western Maine with a view to die for. The house itself is gorgeous except for the fact that the guys whol ived there before still haven’t cleaned out all of their crap. And the majority of the drywall, floors, and ceilings are not in. It’s a lot of work but they do like a challenge. And it has oodles of potential. And best for me, it’s only an hour or two away and very close to some great ski resorts! (not that I ski). Also close to some big lakes where I can go kayaking.

Other than that, we’ve just been trying to keep our guests entertained. I did give up my 30 day sobriety challenge 2 days early, but not out of weakness (seriously). I honestly felt like after 28 days I had proved my point. Had white wine Friday night and felt fine. It wasn’t as great as I remembered. Red wine last night and felt like utter shit all night and still a bit this morning. Soooo over red wine. I think I’ve learned that I can live without it now. But we’ll see.

Back to work tomorrow and none too happy about it. I need to see how much vacation I have left and plan some mroe long weekends during the summer.

for breakfast (and no, that is not a euphemism for sex). I’m talking about the chocolately cakey filled with crisco-ey sweet gummy yummness. oohh my tummy hurts.

Vacation is already halfway over and I’m freaking beat! We’ve been doing one day of horrendously tiring errands followed by one day of horrendously tiring fun stuff, which equals one horrendously tired me! But I’m loving it and obviously it’s heads and tails above being at the W word. I’ll give you the blow by blow:

Well, first, I’m obviously the most beautiful woman in the world, a la Helen of Troy, because I had a lovely Trojan Horse (actually 3 of them) delivered personally to my computer. The help desk (J) is not very happy andis convinced I’ve been doing something evil over there (I haven’t!). He’s a computer guy but absolutely hates helping the lemmings (me) with their stuff. So it’s out of commish and I’m using his. He got about up 4:50 this morning (because he does not know how to do this whole “vacation” thing and now I think he’s picking more strawberries).

Yesterday we met up with J’s sister, J, and her boyfriend K up in Bremen, which is a cute little town on Muscongus Bay. They have a camp that they stay at up there that’s a hop, skip, and jump away from a put it on the bay. It is so freaking gorgeous up there!! Oh my loving god. Lobster buoys everywhere… I want to think of a metaphor to describe them but I can’t. Every lobseterman has a different colored buoy to show where their traps are laid and they’re just so gosh darn pretty. Purple with florescent green stripes, Red with blue, blue with red, purple with yellow, etc. etc. etc. hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of them, all over the bay. Less fun were the lobster boats pulling up the traps because they don’t care much about running over kayakers. I mean, hell, they’re just doing there job on a Tuesday morning and we’re out pooping around. So we had to keep our eyes open but it was fun anyway. Then we stopped for lunch on Crow Island. We had brought some italians with us (the sandwich, not the ethnic group) and sat on some rocks in the sun. Then a big group of campers showed up so we left. Then, more tootling around and then J wanted to circle Hog Island and head back. Well little did we know that hog island is the longest goddamn island in the world. In fact, it may be longer than the British Isles, I’ll have to check. Going against the tide, against the wind. Saw lots of jellyfish (global warming!). The only thing that kept me going was the promise that “once we get on the other side of the isalnd, the wind will be at our backs and ti will blow us right back to shore). uh huh. so we get to the other side and there are at least 4 foot waves (ahh crap!). Poor J & K were in river kayaks with no spray skirts. IT’s lucky they didn’t die. But we made it around the island, and then it was low tide and we got stuck in mud for half an hour. I got out to push and my shoes got sucked into this quicksand type mud. Finally got them out, after falling onto my face, then got a nice exfoliating scrub on my feet with the combination of mud, mussel shells, and jellyfish that I was stepping on. Finally got back… and you know I’m a mainer now because it was actually wicked FUN! There was a time in my life when it wouldn’t have been.

Then J & K made us burgers and whoopie pies and even though I totally deserved a beer more than any other time in my life, I’m still going strong with the 30 day challenge! I freaking rock my world, I really do. Such self control has never been seen. 4 more days!

What else? Sunday we went to Boston with absolutely no plan (did I already write about thsi?). took the bus down and just tootled about all day. Went the public garden and boston common. Looked at the gorgeous Beech trees (I would kill to have one of those in my yard.) The most beautiful thing in the world. Rode the swan boats on a whim…one of those tourist things that me and J never ever do because we are wayyyyy too cool for that. But, when in Rome. Did a little window shopping, had a crab cake at McCormick and Schmicks and back on the bus. I wore my pedometer and we went nearly 20,000 steps! ON the bus back, they played the movie Enchanted, which I thought was enchanting.

The other days we just did errands. I ripped apart the downstairs bathroom and realized I don’t know how to put it back together. Luckily, as of yesterday my dad officially lives in Maine so he said he’d help me. I also decided to paint it and got the paint - Simple Periwinkle. : ) My favorite color. J’s home, must look busy!

Well, Christmas is over. I thought it went absolutely perfectly. We drove down, which took about 10 hours and it was fine. We stayed at a hotel in Old Town Alexandria, which is a fun place. Had dinner with my family Saturday night. Spent all Sunday visiting my friends and eating and touring grocery stores (J works for a grocery store and likes to check out the competition – which oddly enough I find fun too. I always say I could live in either a Whole Foods store or a Borders and be perfectly happy… now if they could just combine the two). Monday we went to the zoo and I saw the black footed ferret. She was so cute. Then we went to lunch and then met my parents at the National Gallery of Art (we lost the rest of the family since they couldn’t find parking – which ended up probably for the best). Saw the JMW Turner exhibit, which was neat,, and the Edward Hopper exhibit, which was phenomenal. Loved it! Saw Nighthawks and Chop Suey and they were just so cool. Then we had dinner at my sister’s apartment. Then Christmas day and dinner and the ride home and no fights, no meltdowns, family dynamics totally under control! It was perfect.

 

And so it’s time to set some new goals for the year. My 2007 goals went pretty well.

 

1. I’m going to continue on my quest of conquering fears and not letting the fact that I’m intimidated stop me from doing anything. For example, at my hotel I was intimidated by the waffle maker and so just had stale pancakes. Regret! I will NOT do that anymore.
   
2. I want to continue being honest, kind, and sincere in my personal interactions. It’s hard (impossible?) to do all three at once, but it’s worth a shot!
   
3. I won’t let negativity affect me or people in general to affect my mood.
   
4. I will stop dwelling on the past, stopping dreaming about the future, and live in the present
   
5. I will catch up on my reading.  Think I can do one book every 2 weeks? I just bought 3 new ones last night and got several from xmas too.
   
6. I will work diligently on my book. Goal: 600 words per day.
   
7. I will have an awesome vacation in Maine , learning how to use the kayak I’m going to buy and exploring!
   
8. I will consume less plastic.
   
9. I will learn how to give awesome massages.
   
10. I will continue to be smoke-free, I will drink moderately, I will exercise regularly and I will eat oodles and oodles of fruits and veggies.
    
11. I will become a world-class pioneer woman and have stacks upon stacks of canned, dried,  and frozen food – just because I want to!
    
12. I will forward my career by joining a writing group, making important connections, and trying my hand at freelance magazine writing.
    
13. I will become great a long, hard piano piece. And I’ll also write songs and poems.
    
14. I might learn French!
    
15. I will build a patio in my back yard.
    
16. I will study the stars!
    
17. And I might even go to Ireland . Or maybe Prague . Perhaps Vienna .
    

 

Yowza! That sounds fun!

so hard to get motivated to do anything lately! “Worked from home” because of the snow storm. It’s much nicer to be home and have nothing to do rather than be at work. Yesterday I got so desperate that I actually found a website that would pop up a random website for you because I was pretty convinced I had actually reached the end of the world wide web. I thought maybe I’d find an omen to point me in the right direction. But mostly I just got german sites that I couldn’t understand. Oh well! I did do a little bit of work today in between laundry and dishes and cooking and piano and taking funny pictures of the cats, such as:

hee hee! Then I crashed out on the couch with my little T-bone steak (see catnip stoned cat above). Happy hour was pretty funny last night. I got a little tipsy (my boss is a pusher) and divulged all the secrets of the women’s restroom. Did I already tell all this? Wait, I have to check. Ok, no I didn’t. Anyhoo… J let me open 2 presents so far and they are both books about kayaking (which are as much for him as they are for me, but hey, that’s ok. ; ) ) I only got him one present - it’s DVD box set called Cosmos - something about space by Carl Sagan. I dunno… I just picked from the lists this year. Today was great though… got to do stuff I needed to do before the trip. Hopefully the weather will hold out. This winter has been utterly ridiculous so far. Snow every other day. I walked out to the compost pile and almost disappeared in the snow. Would be perfect for snowshoeing though! If only I had time. I think I also threw out my back (probably that damn New York city ballet workout… plie.. releve…plie..releve… ).

hmm… Well, I’m looking forward to the trip. Should be fun. I wish things would get resolved on the job front, but I guegss I just have to accept that some people are slower than death. I overdrew my checking account for the 3rd time this month. I don’t know what the deal is. I mean I’ve never balanced my checkbook before.. why should it come back to bite me now? I think it’s the price of gas. I need to get more organized. I need to pay my bills. I need a job that pays more money! C’mon people!

I have to give a presentation at a meeting tomorrow. I should prepare, but I don’t really care anymore. Well, I’ll go over it a few times. OH my god, I’m tehcnically still on the clock! I wonder if my apple tart is done…

for tomorrow. J planned it all out. I think i finally made him feel bad about the no anniversary present thing. We’re going apple picking in the morning, then to the Ansel Adam’s exhibit, then to portland for lunch at the lighthouse (where we got married…awww), then shopping (he said he’d buy me an outfit), to the gym, and then a movie.

Went to the gym for the first time tonight. I like it! It reminds of the gym I went to in virginia (golds), except no classes. I did the elliptical machine and tried out a few of the weight machines. Sometimes I feel like guys purposely try to intimidate girls in teh weight room. But I wasn’t having any of it.

Sam sent me Animal, Vegetable, Mineral by Barbara Kingsolver…which I almost bought myself a few weeks ago. I can’t wait to read it. Add that to my reading list (I think I’ll bump it to the top). Got more scenes worked out for my book and even answered “the big question.” Need to work out the nitty gritty details, but I think I’m pretty damn close to getting started to write. Have a 3 day weekend (yay!) so Sunday and Monday is book time.

I want to plan my next vacation. I was thinking about a walking tour in ireland. They have one from goahead tours. But I should save for my kayak first. Well, I have to check on my in-laws cat. He’s been very lonely while they’ve been in Scotland.