Thanks for the fish

I’m feeling a little stressed out, mostly about writing. I set this goal that I would write for an hour a day for the whole month of March. Now I have 9 days left and I’m afraid I’m going to finish my book before then! Logic would say, “no big deal, just start editing for an hour a day.” But my 2,000 daily word count is something I know I can’t cheat on. It’s black and white, so I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. How will editing work? What if I sit there for an hour and don’t get anything done? Does that count? Will I still get my reward (new laptop)? Even though I could’ve ended the book last night, I started a whole new subplot just so I could keep going. At this point, I’m going to end up with War and Peace.

I guess I really underestimated how much I could write in a month! I guess my plan of action is to wrap up this last subplot and end it. It needs to come to an end. I know there will be massive rewriting, reworking to be done and it will probably end up nothing close to where it is now. And that’s ok. It’s part of the process. I keep telling myself to trust the process. I’m just scared that once I move into phase 2, I’m going to lose my momentum and I really, really, really don’t want that to happen.

But I’m also excited. I will reach my goal and go out and reward myself with a laptop. Then, I’m going to set up shop in my writing room where I can shut the door and the blasted noise of the vacuum cleaner (why do I feel like I have to say ‘of course I’m not complaining’ every time I complain about the vacuum?) Of course, that also scares me because I will be changing the location of my writing. I know it shouldn’t be as superstitious as all this, and I’m trying to stop myself from thinking that way. I always freak out when I want something this badly because it just doesn’t happen very often. I want a lot of things, but I only want a very few things so much that I’m consciously afraid I’ll lose them.

I also want more time to devote to writing. Well, not to the writing itself but for reading about writing. I need to refresh my memory about plot points and themes and character development. Now that I have something to work with, all the books I have will be a lot more useful to me. I was reading this stuff before, but with nothing to apply the concepts too, it was kind of pointless. But now I just don’t have time. Things have already fallen out of my routine because of my hour a day. I don’t practice piano much, I do almost no cleaning around the house, I haven’t done laundry all month (of course I’m not complaining, she says guiltily), I forgot to scoop the litter box this week, I’ve done hardly any reading, and have also not called my mom or sister back yet.

On the other hand, I’ve had time to go out to eat several times, drink copious amounts of red wine, and get plenty of sleep, so maybe this is just an interesting lesson on my priorities.

I’m remotivated on the weight front simply because I want to go on a shopping spree but have told myself I can’t until I get down to 145. I’m 6-9 pounds away from that now (depending on the scale, time of day, and what I ate the night before). The plan is to be at goal weight by April 8, which is the end of session 1 of weight watchers and two days before I go to New Orleans. It would be awesome to buy a new outfit for my trip, be able to enjoy the culinary delights of the Big Easy and then get back on track in time for session 2. My new plan of attack is the eat the same thing (basically) every day. Oatmeal and half a banana for breakfast. A veggie sandwich for lunch. A yogurt for a snack. Sandwich, soup or some other light thing (6 points) for dinner. And a martini. I’ll let you know how ti works and then I’ll call it “L’s sandwich and martini diet.”

Why? Well, there are many reasons (I used “many” because J thinks “a lot” isn’t acceptable. I disagree, but I’m also very persuadable, so I’ll give “many” a try, just this once.)

First - I lost weight at WW, even though I have been very remiss in counting my points, have drunk oodles of wine, and have lapsed on my exercise program (I’m down to about 3 days a week, which is probably more realistic). I now only have 6.6 pounds left to get to my goal and 5 weeks left of this session of ww. that’s only 1.3 pounds a week. And given the fact that I’m losing without even trying, now that I’m back on track and putting in the effort, that shoudl be a piece of… er… a..you know, easy. I’ve lost 6.8 pounds total, but I dont’ really feel any thinner. I’ll feel better when I officially get under 150. 1.7 pounds to go.

Second  - I’m on day 7 of writing for an hour a day (I started 2 days early). It does take sacrifice. In fact, it pretty much eliminates anything else from happening during the evening. I mean, there’s only so much time after work. After I grab dinner, it’s 7:30. I write till 8:30, and shit, I go to bed around 9 (though lately it’s turned into more like 10). J seems a little miffed. Sometimes he talks to me and I have to remind him that I have to write uninterrupted. Then he wants to watch a movie. Overall, he’s been supportive though. I give him kudos.

Third - What was third? hmm….. I can’t remember, though I’m pretty sure there was a third thing. Oh! I bought some cool new piano books tonight. Some Jazz and one called “Simple Gifts” which is one I know and love. It’s an appalachian melody. : ) Well, on that note, I’m pretty tired and want to try out some tunes before I go to bed, so I guess that is all for now.

What is there to say? I went to the gym - check! uh… went to work - check! That’s about all I did. I think I should probably stop smoking again. I always pick it back up for the wrong reasons and now I just feel icky all the time. coughy and smelly and now I’m really addicted again. It takes me a while, but now I’m getting that agitated feeling every 2 hours. Time to torture myself and quit again. Why do I do this?

My final writing class is next Tuesday adn I’ve had a month to write something for an anthology and have nothing. I have one little poem that I’ve already “published” here but I feel like I need something more substantial, but I’ve written nothing. Well, the weekend J was out of town I wrote some stuff, but nothing worth making more of. Ugh. Now I’m working all day Saturday but maybe Sunday I can throw somethign together. Or skip the damn thing entirely. I liked going to that… Now I feel like I need osmething else to occupy my time. I actually watched TV on Monday night. I’m not oppossed to tv watching, I just don’t do much of it myself. But I haven’t felt like doing anything else. I have a pile of books to read, piano to practice, songs to learn, but I just sit here and surf the net and drink martinis and then wait till 9 (sometimes) to go to bed.

Have an appointment with my eye doctor tomorrow. I’m so tired of this. I can’t wear my contacts and just feel gross when I wear my glasses. I know eventually I won’t be able to wear contacts at all. So… while I’m there tomorrow I think I”ll get a new pair of glasses… something a little sexier. If they make such a thing.

J is kicking my ass at our weight loss war. I’ve lost 1 pound, he’s lost 4. That rhymes. : ) Maybe the beginning of a poem for my writing group. Well, one more martini. I had 6 ciggies, 2 or 3? diet cokes. It’s like bridget jones diary.

 This pretty much sums it up:

It’s good to go out and do things because it really makes me appreciate being married – so I don’t have to hang out with girls very often! God, if that’s what it’s like to be single, let me never wish that on myself again. Not that it was all bad. There were fun moments. I got pretty sh*tfaced and am fairly certain I had fun, though I can’t say I entirely remember it. Most of the night I spent stumbling around the Boston streets trying to find somewhere to buy cigarettes. But there was some good food, good wine, good mojitos, good martinis, and a salsa dancing lesson. Then I even tried it out (dancing, that is) with some random Latin guy. I gave up halfway through the song though. I suck! Ha ha.
The weekend was actually a total nightmare, starting with me locking my keys in the car in Portland on Saturday morning. Then a lot of awkward silences with people I don’t know. Lots of mommy conversations about kids, along with the crap about weight, neither of which I really could contribute to, so I didn’t even try. I really hate women sometimes. Not to mention that I blew hundreds of dollars. Grrr… The worst part is that this was just weekend 1 of a very busy spring and I’m exhausted already.

Since January 1, I’ve lost about 8 pounds and am happy about it… but I’m still at least 5 pounds above the heaviest that I really want to be. In other words, I don’t want to weigh more than 150 - even at night when I have pms and have just drinken a gallon of water. But the motivation is lacking a bit, as is evidenced by the fact that I had an oreo frosty for dinner - with a martini for a chaser.

So… J said today he wanted to lose 5 pounds so let the weight loss war begin! Wer’e still working out the rules but I’d like to be at least 5 pounds lighter by the time I go to dc May 9. Got on the treadmill tonight and did some interval walking (i know, hard core, right? watch out granny). I want the prize if I win to be a massage at a spa. I’m going to kick his ass. Though it does seem that men can lose weight really easily.

I was pissed off and irritated all day. I ate horribly, smoked and had 2 diet cokes. Still no cute IT guy at work and my mini Ryan Adams wasn’t even at the grocery store. It seems every time my friend D is not there, I have a shitty day. It’s not like I don’t have anyone else to talk to, but somehow she diffuses my bad moods. But essentially work is going really well. I’m busy as shit, though I really need to start getting some stuff done. I may even work the weekend - which could work since J is out of town in Boston. Then next week, I’m in Boston for a bachelorette weekend.

Picked out 2 recital songs that I’m not crazy about, but I wont’ even get into that. Sometimes I’m not in the mood for my piano teacher and I coudl really just whopp her upside the head. Tonight was like that, so whatever. One song is “Only Time” by Enya, which is actually a song I really like. The other is called “Jessica’s theme” from The Man from Snowy River, whatever that is. It sounded pretty. This is for the big recital so I have to memorize them both, but not till June.

I think J and me are finally back to normal. That was really weird. We go through phases and all but that was the worst one in a while. He’s really sort of a master at letting things blow over. That’s not an art everyone has.

the snow is melting. purring cat on my lap…

till sunset (according to weather.com). Do you think that’s enough time to digest my butternut squash lasagna, pound a martini (too heavy on the triple sec. boo hoo) and get out there and jog. Oh damn. I didn’t take into account the fact that I’d be out there jogging for 30 minutes. Oh well. I’ll jog in dark. No big thing. I mean there might be a big thing. Like a buck. Or a doe. A coyote. A bear? Moose? Oh well… it’s the price I pay for fitness. Blondie was out there tonight. It’s funny about living up here in this small town that it’s almost embarrassing to look at blondie. It feels almost sinful to check out the cute blonde running down main st. It seems indecent. When I first moved up here I was all out into the appearances.. makeup, high heels, fashionable clothes that could be found at marshalls and TJ Maxx.. with an occasional Nordstrom splurge. I still wear makeup (i’m in the minority) and I still wear high heels to work, but yeah… I’ve definitely gotten more into the casual thing. I shop at eddie bauer. and beans. It’s funny… is that what they talk about when they talk about the “spirit of a place” ? Funny how the surrounding society can affect you down to the way you dress. Can you imagine living in LA? Or south beach? That would suck!

Anyhoo… had an interesting dream last night. I dreamt about a very sexy man that I used to work with. I was with my current work colleagues and I ran into him somewhere outside, like a picnic or something. His hair, instead of being gray and normal looking, was sort of blondish red and poofy.. almost like an Elvis kind of swoopy thing. He asked if I liked it and my first reaction was to be honest and say no, but then it occurred to me that I should be nicer, so I said something that I meant sincerely, but it came off sounding a little rude, like “as long as you’re happy with it, that’s all that matters.” And he had gained some weight and had a big pot belly and he just wasn’t attractive at all. But I still liked him because I knew that he was a really interesting person and smart, but I sort of felt bad for him and was kind of embarrassed.

I will try to interpret… Well, I had a lunch planned today with an excoworker from that job. This was one of those jobs that was really cool, but really sucked at the same time. So it’s been sort of hard to let go of. Maybe this was my subconscious’ way of saying… it wasn’t that great… it was kind of cool… but it’s time to move on.  That’s my take on it anyway.  Let it go… Today was a really fun day at work though. I laughed and joked around all day long. I was friendly to people and they were friendly back. Even pervert was nice to me, and I was feelin’ the love for him too. He ain’t so bad!

Yikes.. looks like rain. I swear every time I try to go jogging it starts raining. Like magic. Oh! Little nifty pagan tidbit. Friday we have a marketing meeting and we’re having a bobbing for apples competition (don’t ask), so of course I volunteered because I have a latent competitive gene (though I never win at anything). So I looked it up and that game comes from a pagan ritual having to do with samhain (pronounced sow-en). Something about an apple goddess. : )

2 days till vacation!!! I’m so in vacation mode. Happy girl is here! Grumpy girl is gone! And I”ve lost 4 pounds and maintained it for 4 weeks. Yay! I’m sure all those hills in San Francisco will negate any affects of super duper awesome food. yummy yummy. Alright… yes, I’m stalling. going for a jog now. 22 minutes of daylight left. I cranked my light therapy up to 60% this morning to combat grumpy moods. Seems to have helped.  

a facelift. What do you think? It was kind of hard to read with the reversed out type. And I added a new header image… my favorite tree. In fact if I were a state (which soon I may be big enough to classify as one) my state tree would be the majestic beech. My state flower would be… the common oxeye daisy. My state motto would be… Live and Let Live (of course)… State song? That would depend on my mood.

Anyhoo… was a cold crappy day and I went jogging anyway! Go me! I think it’s actually becoming a real life habit. I need to do something more though because I have a serious beer belly. It jiggles. It’s gross. I totally understand where the term “spare tire” came from. ewww. My plan of attack: 1) Cut out the beer… and the vodka… and the wine… I had the worst hangover this weekend. I cannot keep treating my body like this. It deserves better. It’s served me well for this long. Poor thing. And 2) Cut out the diet coke. Seems counterintuitive but I have a theory about diet coke. For one, that shit just cant’ be good for you. Second, I think it stresses me out, and stress causing the release of cortisol, which ends up storing fat on your belly. I read that somewhere. I just will not allow that anymore. I totally embrace jiggly fat on my hips, but the belly fat has got to go!

I had a conference today and got home early which was nice. J called at 6 and said he may not be home from work till the morning. That’s hard core. It’s kind of nice having the house to myself. I always end up doing different things when he’s not here. I don’t know why. It’s not like he stops me from doing anything. At the conference today they had some sessions on brainstorming and stuff and they said that just leaving the office and going to starbucks or whatever can get the creative juices flowing just from the change of scenery. I think it’s the same concept here.. just having the place to myself is kind of a change of scenery.

Speaking of scenery, the leaves are changing color already here, which seems really early. I got married on Sept. 25 and hardly any leaves had changed at the time. I don’t know what it means. I always mean to look it up, but I don’t. The sumacs are turning red and the sugar maples and turning. They’re so pretty.

Still using the light. J calls it my grow light. : ) Hopefully I’ll grow a good mood. Actually I’m feeling ok. I tend to get a little withdrawn and contemplative at this time of year, and I still feel that a bit… you know, just less talkative.. less manic.. but I don’t exactly feel sad. Thinking of starting a meditation practice. Was going to tonight but I get sort of weird and freaked out when I’m alone and I didn’t want to close my eyes for a long period of time. (eyes rolling). Dumb, I know… but I can really psych myself out when I want to. Well, time to get some stuff crossed off my list. JOgging always makes me hyper productive.  

a big mama. Yep, I hit that big bad number on the scale this morning. You know…the one that makes you go aaaahhhhhhhhhh…ck. Oh well… I won’t go on and on about it, even though I want to. It was the impetus I needed, so here I go. Back on points and exercising. I went for 2 walks today, 1 for 45 minutes and 1 for 30. Niether of them too vigorous. Tomorrow, back to running. I’m just too damn tired today.

I could be imagining things, but I think the bird mites are back. I couldnt’ sleep at all last night because I was itching. I did venture out to the porch the other day for the first time…could they really still be hanging out there? Or am I just going insane? Hard to tell…

My parents have come and gone. They’re pretty painless house guests. But I’ve sort of gotten to the point where I really just don’t want people in my house. I think I’m becoming a recluse, one day at a time. First I hate house guests, next I’ll be ordering groceries for delivery online. But, my new philosophy in life is that everything painful is good for you. The more uncomfortable it makes me, the more I’m going to do it! It’s like a game. Oh, and of course I love my parents. 

I got this cool catalog in the mail yesterday called Title nine. It’s workout gear, but cute stuff. I feel very athletic lately, which is a new feeling for me. I used to workout with my sister when I lived in Virginia, but I was never very into it. With the kayaking though, I feel like I could totally get into it. Now I have to cross train all winter. : ) I figure it will cost me about $2000 to outfitted with a sea kayak and most of the gear I need. I’m diggin’ it! Hopefully I won’t die. 

Have been neglecting piano (will be another painful lesson tomorrow) and my book/research/reading stuff. I feel like I”m about to reach that exhaustion point.  Shit, is it only 8? I may have to go to bed. I was going to bitch about this guy at work, but I really don’t have the energy. Suffice it to say he’s really annoying and his gross sexually explicit conversations with his wife on teh phone are totally uncalled for. I’m not a prude, I just don’t need to know about his sex life. grrrr… ooh! My boss is sending me to a copywriting seminar. Hopefully that’s not a sign that he thinks I’m a shitty copywriter. I’d rather take it that he cares about my professional development. I think it’s in Boston. That should be fun.

I thought I had something exciting to write about.. but maybe that was just a daydream… hard to tell in my current state. Yeah… daydream… it was a good one. I need to write this stuff down. Oh, J is going out of town for a few days. Sounds like a good excuse to sleep till noon on Saturday. : ) sweet, sweet slumber. How I miss you. Please visit me tonight. Or I will die. I have to change the catbox. 

 

I’m absolutely exhausted. Every muscle in my body hurts and I can barely keep my eyes open. Yawn! My parents are coming tomorrow, though probably only staying a night, so it shouldn’t be too bad. I almost called in sick today just because I feel like I need a day to myself. But, unfortunately at my job, sick days are the same as vacation days and there aren’t very many of them… so I decided to suffer.

Oh, funny story from kayaking. Well, not exactly funny, but sort of. There was a girl there from New York.. skinny, pretty, didn’t look too bad in a wetsuit (which is more than I can say for myself.. NOT flattering I’m sure). Anyway, she totally had a thing for J. I tried not to show it, but she was really pissing me off. It seemed like every time I looked around, she was all scoonched up next to his kayak talking to him. Ok… I know I don’t own him or anything, but it seemed a little excessive to me. And you could tell he was just eating it up too. He made a comment to me at lunch time about how he knew who the person in the group was that I didn’t like (because there always seems to be one person who drives me crazy no matter where I go). So I played dumb because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I was jealous. Oh well.. in the end, she didn’t end up being that bad. Sometimes I think girls do things like that just to piss off other girls.

On another note. I have this “friend’ who I’ve written about before, L, who I knew in high school. She’s kind of an interesting person but very competitive. She’s super skinny and flaunts it and she’s one of those people who just doesn’t understand why some people are overweight (“Why don’t they just eat less?”). Now, my doctor insists I’m the perfect weight, but I’ve gained 10 pounds since I stopped smoking last December and I could definitely use at least a 10 pound weight loss. L just moved to Berkeley, which is apparently near San Francisco (who knew?) and asked if we wanted to see her while we were on vacation. I haven’t seen this girl in… holy shit… 17 years! And I haven’t even really been in touch with her except in the last year. I think it would be neat to see her, and I think, in general, it’s good to make contact with other members of the human race (when they’re not getting on my nerves). But, on the other hand, I don’t really want to feel bad about myself, especially at the beginning of a vacation. That sounds really insecure. It’s not that I’m threatened by every skinny girl in the world (though this post would make it seem that way), I guess I do have some body image problems. Living in Maine is great because most of the time I don’t really worry about it. But then when I leave town I realize what a blob I’ve become. Ugh…

Speaking of which, there’s this girl (woman) we see jogging in around town. We call her blondie. You can’t help but notice her because, in our little town, you just don’t see much of interest. Then all of a sudden there was this tanned woman with long, curly blonde hair jogging on the side of the main road every day. I get home and compare notes with J, who usually gets home before me. “Blondie had a friend today!” “Blondie looked like she was hurtin’” “Blondie was going fast tonight” “I saw Blondie way down by the highway tonight.” Yeah…we have riveting lives. We even saw her at the recycling barn last weekend (still wearing her workout clothes)…”It’s Blondie!” Anyway, it’s been interesting to notice how she’s gotten thinner and thinner. Which makes me realize that all it takes is dedication. She’s out there every night, man. And it’s really paid off for her. Go Blondie! Now why is it so damn hard for me? Maybe I should get out there and do my driveway run even in my currently hurtin’ state. I guess I couldn’t really feel any worse, so why not?

There we go. Three stories about girls I’m jealous of.