Thanks for the fish

in Maine and spring in Maine:

Winter - have shitty day at work, come home, get drunk, go to bed.

Spring - have shitty day at work, have glass of wine, do million things that need to be done that you actually enjoy, go for walk, go to bed forgetting why day at work was so shitty.

It’s 6:39 pm. I’ve had a giant delicious salad, a few glasses of wine, and a filet of haddock for dinner. The sun will not go down for 1 more hour so I have 20 minutes to get the window screens out of the shed and bring them inside, water my raised bed, window boxes, and seedlings in the basement, get my tennies on and go for a half hour walk. Then, put the screens in, write the “working outline” for Act 1 of my novel, and do some writing. I should practice piano for my June recital but I already accept the fact that that will not happen.

Things are popping in the garden. I have daffodils everywhere. Weeds are coming up…lots of things are coming up! I’ve nixed my patio and the herb garden for this year (my two big projects). I want to finish edging all my beds with inlaid bricks. I want to rip out my whipped on rhodos and my dying holly. I want my front beds to start looking good. So  yet again, I abandon the patio and decide to go for the “maintenance” route one more year. I know eventually my garden will look fabulous and take care of itself. It’s just not quite there yet.. But damn it makes me happy anyway.

Work fucking blows and that’s all I’ll say about that.

17 minutes left to finish my glass of wine and do items listed above. Chug, chug, chug!

Loompa…and feel like I’m going to puke. I went for my walk/run and this time it really did nearly kill me. My face is beyond red… it is orange. But I did  it! I haven’t progressed onto the next week…I’m stuck doing 90 seconds of jogging, 90 walking, 3 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking, repeat. The worst part is that the last 3 minute run is up a big hill and by that point I can barely breathe or move my legs. Oh well… I also did my weights today and some kayaking (more on that shortly).

NOw I have a glass of 3 blind moose Riesling in front of me that I think I may be too nauseous/dehydrated to drink…but Ill try anyway. Since the sun is still shining (!) I wanted to get out and do some “quiet water” kayaking, even though I had a million other things to do. I picked a place pretty close to here… a pond. J didn’t have much interest in it because he doesn’t like doing anything that involves water and doesn’t involve risking our lives. So he’s an ocean guy… I, on the other hand, like peaceful, serene, non-life-threatening trips. It was lovely. Some of the trees are already turning colors..the red maples. yeah, it seems early, but they were sure pretty. It was very peacefl and we saw a bit of wildlife. A heron and a kingfisher, and an osprey. And some water lilies. It was much easier to prepare for this trip too because we didn’t need to bring as much stuff or wear our spray skirts or any of that crap. And no rinsing off afterward because it was fresh water. fun!

Before we took off for the pond I stopped at best buy and bought a pocket size digital camera. It seems a bit excessive and I guess i didn’t really need it (why do I feel so guilty about this?) but I have wanted one for a long time. J has a big clunky SLR digital. I have a big clunky SLR non-digital. I wanted one I could just slip in my purse so I don’t have to make a big production out of taking a picture. Plus, I wanted to start documenting our kayaking adventures on a blog. So now I’m charging the battery and even plan on reading the instructions and learning whaty all the buttons mean (my least favorite thing in the world to do). It’s a Sony Cybershot. They didn’t have it in any pretty colors in stock, so it’s just silver. But it seems nice… small, portable. It was $179, then $29 for teh memory car, and $30 for a carrying case. J owed me about $240 and that’s what it cost so he just put it on his credit card. how perfect!

I found a short story competition to enter. The deadline is December 1 so I have some time. Maybe between now and then my slackass writing group will decide to meet so I can get some feedback. I don’t have a subject yet..though I thought maybe I’d do a mystery/horror…like an Edgar Allen Poe type thing…? Who knows. : )

I paid off my credit card bill for the umpteenth time today. Maybe this time I’ll make it stick! I suppose I shouldn’t buy a mini cooper… but I want to. I’m completely out of debt… I do still need something a bit more fuel efficient..and I sort of want something cute and cool… but I hate to have a car loan again. It seems kind of silly.

Tonight I need to do some canning or freezing or something with all my tomatoes. Then I have some work I really need to do… Never got around to painting the bathroom… dinner… reading… piano… I bought a book of easy country songs, like Hank Williams “your cheatin heart” to work on. They’re very easy, but I told my teacher I needed something to build up my confidence. So it’s good.

a bogle cab sab for dinner…dinner of champions, but lovely nonetheless, especially after I went for my run! Yes, the streak continues. Still at 90/90, 3 minutes/3 minutes X 2. I picked J up from training in SoPo and then got stuck in traffic, decided to just home and run instead of go in Portland…then I had to stop at the store for cat food (and wine) and it started raining so we went to the other gym closer by our house. It felt good to run. I’ve been uber stressed…too much work and other crap upsetting me. Smoking like a chimney (and loving it).

I bought this proactiv zit cream stuff, which seems odd since I’m 34 but I’m tired of my skin looking like crap, and I have to say, it seems to work. My skin looks good. And now that my hair is a nice color again, I think I’m finally crawling out of my ugly phase. Thank god for that. Though, of course that doesn’t mean that I can’t still have a crisis a day related to getting older. Hope this phase passes!

I started How to Be Good, by Nick Hornby last night and so far love love love it! It’s so funny and boy do I like that british humor. See, that’s the kind of book I could totally write (if I had a plot and more talent). But speaking of books and plots.. I was driving home and told J I needed a damn plot, and he came up with some good stuff… I realize I need something more than a stupid sappy love story/existential novel crap… so I’m thinking big here. I’ve written some notes and am going to start tonight. I need this. I need a book. I need to do something goddamn impressive. And that’s the end of teh story.

What else? Men suck. I hate them. They can kiss my ass. That goes for both straight and gay men. I remain totally brilliant at work, yet rather unproductive. I spend most of my time going out for smokes, going out for lunch, going to the bathroom (even though I don’t really have to go that bad). I just cant’ seem to stay at my desk for more than 20 minutes at a time. But as long as I keep producing work, I guess no one can say anything…? Who knows.

Yeah…ok, so let’s work on that book, eh?

Driving home, I noticed that wonderful thing… that glorious sign of summer…that harbinger of all things sweet and juicy was out… the “Strawberries U-Pick” sign!! Painted in red on a white background in stenciled letters and an arrow pointing toward the river. Yay! Seems a little early and I was hoping they woudl be picking while my sister is here, but whatever. We’ll probably get out there this Saturday adn sometime next week because I WON’T BE WORKING… bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ah ha. Anyhoo, I also picked the first lettuce from the garden tonight to have on a delicious black bean burger wrap with avocado and cheese. yum.

Well, I’m halfway through my no-drinking month. I’m doing ok. I would like to say that today was a turning point, but I still thought a glass of red wine would be really nice for this yucky rainy day. It’s really amazing how every day I can find a different reason to want a drink. But I’m pretty proud of myself. It’s certainly a test of will, and saying “no” to myself is very hard for me. I would’ve thought that I would’ve lost weight though, and also I thought I would feel oodles better. But tonight I did some weight lifting and some stretching and maybe that helped with stress a bit. I couldnt’ honestly tell you what I’m so stressed about or why I feel so tense and irritable all the time, but I’m starting to think it’s just my personality. : )

Went for a brief walk at lunch time and it was 99.9 % humidity, so I had what basically amounts to an afro when I got back to the office. But I read in prevention magazine that 17 minutes of walking a day is enough to significantly reduce your risk of heart disease. So at teh very least, you’d think I could do 17 minutes a day, right? I think the key with me is to just get in the habit of doing somethign and then I can pump it up later.

Last night I took my aggression out in the kitchen and cooked like mad. I made homemade crab cakes, pasta and bean salad, and oatmeal cookies. Crab cakes are gone, cookies are gone… lots and lots o’ salad left. Guess I’ll be bringing that to lunch for the next month.

Oh! I also went to lumosity.com last night to see if quitting drinking has made me any smarter… the short answer is “no.” doh! why am I torturing myself again?

Stella d’oro daylillies are bloomign and my roses are going crazy, but it’s rainy and I’m never home so I feel like I’m neglecting them. I shoudl get out and prune the roses but every year I have to look up how to do it and I haven’t done that yet. hmm… I think I’ll make myself a hot chocolate and then curl up with “the botany of desire.” I still think that is the absolutey best title a book could ever have. I’ve been carpooling with J and he listens to books on tape. Today we listened to one called “the jesus dynasty.” It’s kind of interesting. I’m not sure why J is all of a sudden fascinated by religion. He has his nose in a book constantly. I guess it’s better than having his nose somewhere else, so I guess I’ll shut up now.

for the soul. So is red wine, baby. Can I get a whoo whoo!? I know… such a white girl. Yeah, you can’t keep me down. Break my heart, steal my money, whatever.. just leave me my wine and music. J’s not home, which is good as I’m sporadically yelling obscenities at the wall. The cats look concerned. I”m going to get started on my book momentarily, but I’m downloading some really cool things:

 1) Regina Spektor… awesome!!! Sort of a perkier Patty G. And she’s russian, and I’ve got a soft spot for those commie bastards. They’re just brooding. They could be honorary members of my family. My family claims to be german, but I gotta think there’s some ruskie blood in there somewhere. 

2) I’m gonna check this guy out… Sufjan Stevens. I’ll let you know. He’s supposed to be the new generations bob dylan. We’ll see about that. Nobody can top bob. He’s just so damn cool.

Man. I subscribe to Smithsonian magazine. Every now and then I actually get around to reading it. And it’s so good! This month is called “37 under 36: America’s young innovators.” Oh boy do I feel like a freaking loser. sigh… Man, I gotta do somethign with my life. Oh yeah… actions dear. Ok, I gotta go do something now.  

I posted last night but I internet died so I lost the whole thing. Oh well.. luckily it was a pretty uninspired post anyway. I got my Apollo golite light therapy tonight and not a day too soon because I am one grumpy lady. I feel exhausted and oversensitive and overstimulated. The trip to the grocery store about set my over the edge with crying babies, etc. either this is wave 2 of pms, seasonal grumpiness, or there really is somethign to my hair color theory.

Oh well… I’m having a lovely glass of Yorumba (or something) Shiraz… nice.. Went a little crazy at the store. When I was kid there used to be these commercials that had a little cartoon lady going down the grocery aisles throwing everything in the cart as in the background a voice sang “don’t shop when you’re hungry, no, no, no!” Yeah… good advice, but advice I did not heed. $150 later, I have fully stocked cupboards. Yes, 2 people really do need 3 boxes of cereal, a box of granola bars, 3 cliff bars, 2 boxes of oatmeal, and a pack of english muffins for one week. Guess we’ll be having a lot of 2nd breakfasts… and 3rd breakfasts… and breakfasts for dinner…

God, I just have no energy. Well, I’m starting my light therapy on Saturday. You can take a test on their website to see if your circadian rhythms are off cycle blah blah balh. Mine is moderately delayed. So Saturday I need to turn the light on for 30 minutes at 8 am, then Sunday for 30 minutes at 7 am, then Monday I get to my regular wake up time of 6 am and leave it on for 15 minutes and do that for teh rest of the winter. I’ve looked into this several years in a row, and I have really high hopes for it. I’ll let you know if it works. I actually overslept yesterday for the first time in probably a year.  I know bitch moan bitch moan. This is dull and depressing. Don’t worry, I’ll be back to my normal self in May. : )

Oh well. At least football is on tonight. I need New Orleans to lose tongiht to stay in my Survivor pool. Go Indy! 

I’ve been a bit of a blob lately, but tonight I got back out for some exercise. Increased my run/walk time to 25 minutes and increased my running distance to 4 laps. It feels so good. And I did my weight lifting. I’m on week 9 and trying hard to keep it a habit. And to round out my perfect evening, I stuck to one glass of wine despite the fact that there’s still half a bottle left. I may yet set a record for the longest a bottle of wine has ever lasted in my refrigerator. I’ve probably said this a milllion times over the last few weeks, but the less I drink, the less I realize I feel a helluva lot better when I don’t. J is very impressed with my moderation (something I’m not really known for).

My house is still infested with mites or something. I think I got them out of the bedroom, but I’m pretty sure I can feel them crawling on me right now… arrgghh.. it’s enough to make me insane. BTW, have you heard of this Morgelons disease? ee-uw. : ( Those poor people…it sounds like a horror movie… creeping crawly feeling all the time, open sores, and then fibers (like thread) come out of their skin. Some people in the medical community refuse to admit it’s a real disease despite the fact that thousands of people have it (mostly in Texas, Florida, and California. 

Anyhoo… I have a weed that it’s my weed garden that I was hoping was the purple loosetrife I planted last year. For weeks now all the purple loosestrife in the state has been blooming…but, I think mine just started! Thistle is blooming too. Weed shmeed, it’s pretty! I’ll take a picture this weekend. I keep meaning to look into these stock photo sites online where you can post your photos and collect commission on them. Not sure if anyone wants pretty pictures of weeds, but you never can tell. People have paid good money for stranger things. 

I feel a little ill. : (~ Maybe indian food, red wine, running, and weight lifting don’t all go together so well.

Work is busy. Writing like a fiend 8 hours a day trying to keep up. It’s fun though. Sales letters are my favorite. : ) The fun part will be when these start mailing and people start calling in with their orders (I hope). It would be nice to see that something I did had a real positive impact…not just on the bottom line, but on people’s health too. I’m lucky that I get to write for a company that offers a good product, has a lot of integrity, and actually cares about their customers.

Fleabombing the office next. Shock and awe continues! Watch out fleas…er..mites..whatever.

My sister is coming the weekend after next. I’m excited. The whole family together gets ugly, but individually they’re all good. She’s probably the coolest one, but can get a touch moody sometimes. My plan to combat that is to 1) not be irritating (wha?… me?) and 2) keep her really busy! So far I have planned: a trip to an island to find sea glass, a party on sebago lake, a kayaking trip, a trip to the eagle’s nest, dinner at the indian restaurant… well, she’s only here for 2 days. : ) Maybe she’ll love it and decide to move here.  

Today was on and off cloudy. Chilly when the sun went in. I just can’t get motivated to get out there unless it’s sunny. Went to Target and bought some ankle weights and bought some beer for the slugs (Gearys). Something is destroying my lupine. I think there’s some sort of fungus on my columbine too, so I sprayed that with fungicide, along with the holly and phlox, which need regular treatments. It seems like I have a lot more pest problems this year.

Also moved the big bee balm into the weed garden. It was blocking the sun to the mountain laurels. I planted the Herb Robert geranium where the bee balm was. I’m still not happy with that bed though. There’s something wrong with the symmetry or something. I think I’ll buy another mountain laurel (to make 3), then move the dying arborvitae, move the gigantic lillies, and put a bit evergreen on the corner. Which would sort of make it match the other side, but instead of rhodos, i’ll have mountain laurels. Everything needs pruning. It’s all out of control. The garden is in general looking really good though. It’s really cool to watch it all come together. Like an awkward teenager becoming a beautiful woman.

Also moved the pink thing (Pinks?) to the front of the weed garden and did some weeding. 

There’s a new wine/beer store in town. Stopped at that to see what they had. Nice selection of wines. Very nice selection for rieslings. We got a german one for tonight but werent’ crazy about it. Also bought some Optimator. Yum! Saving that for tomorrow. They had a wine tasting so I tried a white one that the guy described as a spanish pinot grigio. Very fruity. Kind of good. And a blend of shiraz, cabernet, which was good too.

Need to find sizes for passport photos. J needs one since his is expiring. I need one because when I go to Virginia next weekend (next weekend? No, the weekend after), U’s going to take me to the british embassy so I can finally get my british passport. Guess I should call me friend J. I think we’re in a fight, but i”m not sure why, so I’ve been doing this “Well I’m not calling  her!” bullshit. Well, maybe tomorrow. It’s a shame to throw away the friendship at this point, even if we have nothing in common anymore.

Working on Mozart’s Air, which I hate. You are my sunshine, which I love. Frankie and Johnny, which I’m ambivalent about. Can’t seem to graduate from any songs! It’s not like I’m not practicing. Think I’ll work on my Practica Musica tonight.

My dad wants me to check out a place in Manchester. It looks like a hole to me, which means they’ll love it. : ) You wouldn’t want anything “ostentacious” after all.. like something with a roof not caving in.  Guess I’ll check it out tomorrow. It’s a log cabin.

Tried listening to hero with 1000 faces, but I’m really better at reading then listening. I’m a visual person. Besides the cd was skipping. Thought of a good idea for a book… maybe a workbook. Psychic development for the new millenium. What’s the next stage in my life and how do I get there. I’d like to create a moral-free book where people can figure out what they want, without judgement, and how to grow personally for their own fullfillment. There are too many moral around. I”m so over them.

There’s a guy, who is a friend of J’s who I think J thinks I like or something. Somethign happened one night when I had too much to drink. Nothing major, I hugged him, or put my head on his shoulder or something. Now I think it’s this unspoken issue and I feel bad about it, especially since there’s nothing there. I tried to get it out in the open. Today, the guy called and J told me. And I was like ‘Oh, my boyfriend. Did he ask for me?” ha ha. I know J doesn’t trust me, and that bothers me. But I guess it lends an air of mystery. I’d hate for anyone to figure me out. And I’d hate to figure anyone else out. That would sort of take the fun out of it. 

Anyway, now it’s a beautiful night. What shall I do?