Thanks for the fish

in Maine and spring in Maine:

Winter - have shitty day at work, come home, get drunk, go to bed.

Spring - have shitty day at work, have glass of wine, do million things that need to be done that you actually enjoy, go for walk, go to bed forgetting why day at work was so shitty.

It’s 6:39 pm. I’ve had a giant delicious salad, a few glasses of wine, and a filet of haddock for dinner. The sun will not go down for 1 more hour so I have 20 minutes to get the window screens out of the shed and bring them inside, water my raised bed, window boxes, and seedlings in the basement, get my tennies on and go for a half hour walk. Then, put the screens in, write the “working outline” for Act 1 of my novel, and do some writing. I should practice piano for my June recital but I already accept the fact that that will not happen.

Things are popping in the garden. I have daffodils everywhere. Weeds are coming up…lots of things are coming up! I’ve nixed my patio and the herb garden for this year (my two big projects). I want to finish edging all my beds with inlaid bricks. I want to rip out my whipped on rhodos and my dying holly. I want my front beds to start looking good. So  yet again, I abandon the patio and decide to go for the “maintenance” route one more year. I know eventually my garden will look fabulous and take care of itself. It’s just not quite there yet.. But damn it makes me happy anyway.

Work fucking blows and that’s all I’ll say about that.

17 minutes left to finish my glass of wine and do items listed above. Chug, chug, chug!

With steamed potatoes (hmm… carbs) and of course, a glass of wine. Went out with some friends last night for good food and company. Of course the night ended by playing video games. : ) These are mostly J’s friends and we see them about once a quarter. I think we need to make a more concerted effort to get out more..with other people. We seem a little sick of just each other lately. Grumpiness abounds.

He’s off on his run now..in the rain. He’s hard core. I have eaten about a gazillion calories in carbs today. Back on the wagon tomorrow. I don’t even want to go to ww anymore because every week it’s a gain or a very small loss and I can’t take the look the leader gives me. She’s not very encouraging when you’re not doing good. I need a pep talk or something.

Looked out the window about a half hour ago and there were dozens upon dozens of these little grayish birds in the yard, pecking away at the ground, scrounging scraps from under the empty birdfeeder (guilt!) and just looking very merry. We looked in our bird book and identified them as a junco. We surmised that they are on their way north to Canada and stopped in for suppah. They were fun to watch.

We set up a growing station downstairs for my herb seeds. Now I just need to buy those flats to plant them in. I suppose I could just do them in pots, now that I think of it. Hmm. I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve tried things from seed indoors a few times, never with great results. It’s hard to remember to water them all the time. We did rig up a light with a timer though, so at least I won’t have to worry about that. I looked over my seeds, and some they say to start indoors, like mint, thyme, and wormwood. I would rather just throw them in the ground outside. Rosemary seems especially difficult to get going, but god, I love Rosemary. I’m already starting to feel a little manic about the thought of gardening. I can’t wait!!

I’m still trying to clear the freezer out of the stuff I froze last summer. I found a bag of tomato sauce I made and am having that with penne tonight. If my memory serves me right, it was just tomatoes, but man, what flavor! I say this every year, but THIS IS GOING TO BE THE YEAR I can a ton of stuff. No excuses. I wont’ be happy until my entire kitchen, basement, bathroom, spare bedroom are stacked to the rafters with cans. If only I didn’t have to work full time, I could devote myself to the really important things in life, like food preservation.

What else? I bought Microsoft Office Home and Student for the laptop I haven’t bought yet. My editing isn’t going quite as well as the writing, but I’m tryign to cut myself a little slack, while not cutting myself too much slack. It’s a precarious balance. I tend to do better with things that are black and white. But this is art, right. You can’t be too rigid. I’m still trying to figure out my plot and structure and that involves doing some reading about how a plot and structure should work. I have a lot of good ideas, but I don’t want to implement them until I know that I have a solid foundation. I’m getting nervous though about spring coming… I have a lot of plans and things to do, and I’m already having a hard time fitting it in. I would like to just do it in the morning, but that doesn’t seem to work out so well.

But… when I get my laptop and get my “writing room” all set up, I might be able to drag myself out of bed. That room has a south facing window that looks across our pond and it’s just such a nice view, and such a nice room really. I actually like it better than our master bedroom. It has a lower ceiling (as opposed to our cavernous cathedral ceiling in the mb) and it’s decorated with beautiful pictures that didn’t fit in anywhere else in the house. My favorite being Botticelli’s Primavera. I know…it’s super romantic and maybe even tacky and childish, I dunno..but I love it. I saw it in person in Italy and just stared at it for 10 minutes. I love it! I feel like Venus is giving me inspiration. She’s my muse.

And since this post already makes me sound cookoo, I might as well note that I just watched another 911 conspiracy theory movie called “In Plane Sight.” Very interesting and with a lot of information I hadn’t heard before. Stuff about the pentagon, and the planes, and video coverage that showed some interesting things, that I won’t get into here. But if you’re interested, check it out on netflix. You may not buy into any of it, but where’s the harm in seeing what the other side is saying, right?

Whew! I am one tired lady. I’m going to bed early tonight. I wish I didn’t have to go to work, but my life is in my control. If I keep working hard, I can be a successful writer and then I can kiss the 9 to 5 life goodbye. Mwah!

worthwhile to blog about tonight? I do not know. Ok, so rambling it is.

Went to my eye doctor and he said it wasn’t as bad as last year. I need to put these patanol drops in my eyes twice a day and within a month I should (key word) be able to wear cotnacts again, at least a few times a week. I’ll take it at this point. My doctor’s really nice and sweet but every time I go there I wait an hour and that just drives me nuts. My only consolation was that I was not at work. Then I went to Rite Aid to pick up my meds and that took about 40 minutes.sigh…

I’m overwhelmed at work and moody. On top of the quitting smoking, this weight watchers thing makes me super grumpy. I can not be hungry gracefully, and hungry I am. Buuuttt… I already lost 2 pounds! In a day! If I could just keep up that pace, I’ be at my goal weight within weeks. sweet! But if I could get philosolphical about it all (what? me?), it’s an interesting experience being hungry all the time. It puts it all in perspective. I don’t have the energy to try to be someone I’m not. And I don’t really care. Even the cute boys don’t phase me when I’m starving. I say “oh look…cute boy.” and then I have to shut down to conserve energy. No more fantasies for me, unless they involve a boston creme pie and a giant vat of mashed potatoes. too bad I don’t have the food network anymore. I could totally go for that right now.

But really, I’ve realized how little food the human body really needs. In fact, I still have 4 points left, even after dinner and a cocktail. Plus, I plan to exercise. I think it will be good, though I feel like I’m neglecting my writing. As you cna see from this, I just haven’t been in the mood. So my plan is to read a lot and read some writing books too. You can always learn something new. I wrote one kind of good thing at work today. Otherwise I’m kind of stuck. Overwhelmed. It’s like my whole body and mind has just slowed down. I feel mono-like tired again today. Oh well… complain complain.

I’m off to play piano, do some jumping jacks, and finally finish up “a short history of myth,” which isn’t as good as I was expecting. But the good news is I can then start my next book, which I think will be a Kurt Vonnegut.

So Thursday morning it started sleeting. I carpooled with J, taking my subaru all tricked out with snow tires. My office is about 40 miles south of where we live, and he’s about 17 minutes even further south. That means I had to drop him off, then turn around and come back north on icy roads. Then I had a dentist appointment (no cavities, not much plaque but receding gums as always (have I already written about this?) so I had to drive back down south, then back to work, then back to pick up J and then home. It has been snowing/sleeting/freezing rain all day so the traffic was horrendous and it took us forever to get home. My piano lesson was canceled and I planned to work from home on Friday.

Friday morning, I’m afraid it’s not bad enough to work from home and consider going into the office anyway. J is watching the tv and can’t really figure out how bad the roads are. Our local school district hasn’t cancelled school. With my previous boss, he was fine with us working from hom. My new boss seemed a little skeptical, but grudgingly agreed, but I felt guilty. Then, before I had a shower, the power went off. Fine by me, that just meant I could stay home guilt free, take a vacation day, and sleep. That got old fast. No power, no heat, no water, no INTERNET, no phone (cuz it goes through the internet/cable), no shower, no taking a doo doo when I needed to. Well, ok, I got one flush and it was wasted on the smallest turd in history. Even my cell phone doesn’t really work from our house in the woods.

Around 1, I’m freaking out about all the food in our freezer. We’ve been on a sale spending spree. Every time anything is on sale I buy it. So we have about $200 worth of pork chops, chicken breasts, cheddar brats (yum), not to mention our harvest of corn, blueberries, etc. from the garden. We decide to drive all the way to Augusta to go to the gym. We have “black card” membership to Planet Fitness so we can go to any of their locations. The Brunswick one had power going on and off (we called from the mother in law’s house). Augusta had lost power but it was back on. So we drive up there, work out, have showers, come home and the power is on. Thank the lordess. We’re not even big consumers of electricity, but let’s face it, modern life was built around it. You can’t do shit (literally) without it. We have a well that is hooked to an electric water pump. Our furnace is electric. We have a propane fireplace but the fan is electric. For all my “I’m a pioneer!” boasting, we were woefully unprepared. No food that didn’t require cooking, no water, no way to heat the home. We were fucked.

Anyway, the power came back on but we were without cable and thus internet and phone until about an hour ago. I did a lot of reading. I finished my Anderson Cooper book and then read “Nickel and Dimed”. I guess I’m on a nonfiction kick. Most of all, I missed blogging. My sister and I have a reading blog and I haven’t been able to check it or update it, and that’s been killing me.

What else? Had our office Xmas party last night. It was a little boring, and I got a little jealous, but mostly I looked pretty fabulous, drank a lot of beer, but did not get embarrassingly drunk, J won a gift basket (I never win anything) and I talked to my new boss a little. Fairly uneventful. Not sure I’ll bother next year. Tried to get J on the dance floor. The only dance I remember from our lessons in the mambo, but he wouldn’t go for it. Oh well.

I’m not even dreading work tomorrow because I’m sick of sitting in the house doing nothing. It’s nice to be connected to the world again.

Ok, so it’s been a shitty week, I’ll admit it. I’ve dreaded work like I used to dread going to school when I was in junior high. It has pretty much blown all week. But… it’s Friday and I just have to say, I freaking love my new boss. He’s the bomb.

First of all, he’s a writer (like me, yay!) so he gets me. Second, he’s funny, he’s laid back, he uses foul language, he’s a wannabe hippie, he doesn’t watch tv, he drinks unpasteurized milk, he has chickens…in other words, he is my male twin. I love him. Not like “i’m in love with him,” but like “he’s just like me and that’s wicked cool.”

I had a very honest, direct one-on-one with him today and I just told him flat out where I’m frustrated and who is getting on my nerves. There are two distinct camps in my department. There’s me and my friend D, who are very black & white, task oriented, deadline driven people. Then there are the two flakes, who may be very pleasant people but make our lives miserable. I can’t help but think that my new boss is in our camp. Thank god. The “P” word was brought up (process), which I am a BIG fan of, and I think that will solve a lot of our department problems. Oh, he also said I was a good writer. Comgin from my boss and a fellow writer, that more than made up for the demoralizing events of the past week. What can I say? I’m freaking easy!

I spent $50 at Whole Foods today. Back to my old ways. I bought a bottle of organic red wine for tonight. Then I bought a pair of $30 leather footies for my friend’s new baby. Some corn chowder and an avocado sandwich for lunch… guess that was it. They had some great hand made soaps too. And nice scarves… I alsmost went a little bonkers on my Xmas shopping. I need to buy stamps tomorrow and finish my Xmas cards. Oh… I’ve decided to become an Atheist. Do you think it’s still ok to celebrate Xmas? I hope so.I do like it… the tree, the decorations, the gift giving. I don’t even mind that whole Jesus fairy tale, as long as you dont’ take it too literally. We all need our myths after all.

Ok… I wasn’t going to go into this becasue I know peopel are offended by it, but eff it. So I wasn’t raised religious AT ALL. My mother was raised somewhat Catholic (her mother was half Irish and Catholic). My mom went to Catholic girl’s school. My dad’s family I think was Lutheran. I went to Sunday School a few times as a child and church a few times with friends, but my family never, ever went to church together. My mother sometmies would go to an Episcopalian service when i was growing up. Anyway, by osmosis growing up in modern american society, I picked up some stuff. Sex is bad, your bodily urges are evil, if you dont’ believe in god/jesus you will get struck by lightning and go to hell, etc. etc. All this, being a feminist and not being raised religious! It was just recently that I’ve really let go of it all.. J’s been on a learning kick about religion and it’s all very scholarly and has put it into perspective. I totally believe in the Great Mystery. Why are we here where did we come from what’s it all about? Yeah.. I get that. But I’m done with this sexist masochistic religion called Christianity. I’m done. And let me tell you.. finally letting go has made me less afraid of life,less afraid of death, and just generally more accepting of other people. Weird! I hope that doesn’t offend anyone. I respect people’s faith, but I cant’ help believe that religion causes more harm than good.

Making applesuace and thinking about making bread and maybe burger rolls. I’m feeling very domestic, but am basically too tired to act on it. I’ll be in bed before 9.

I’d have a ranch. In fact, I might have an entire wild horse colony. Oh hello! Would you like to join my pity party? Everyone’s invited. There will be no food, no drinks (except for the one I’m drinking right now) and no dancing, but instead you get to listen (read) me complain for potentially hours on end.

I can do nothing right at work. I clearly suck at my job and nobody has any faith in anythign I do (assuming they actually no who I am and what I do, which is terribly unlikely). I’m also mean, a drunk, and have no social skills. Well, at least I’m a well rounded failure… every facet of my life is perfectly with balanced with equal failure. Is this productive?, you ask. No, probably not. So let’s think of a few things that went right today:

There was rum in the liquor cabinet when I got home
There was cheese in the fridge when I got home, bread in the bread box, and a panini maker more than capable of making a perfect grilled cheese
My husband actually sympathized with my plight on the drive home and simply said “yeah, that sucks” rather than trying to explain how I was misinterpreting the whole work scenario
I have a friend who tries (vainly) to make me feel better about same sucky scenario
I got a new phone from Virginmobile.com and they have the Dr. Zhivago theme as a ringtone
I went to the gym and ran for 30 minutes (though not all in a row)
My cats are safe and at home
I’ve already got 5 Christmas cards written
I’ve got most of my “shopping” done
I still feel damn good about submitting my short story to a writing contest
My bed warmer is really really great

See, all is not lost. Ego isn’t everything. And nobody forced me to take a job where I would get it crushed on a daily basis.

Just got the call that Eddie the Grouse is dead. : ( Apparently he flew into my in-laws window and broke his neck. At least that’s the news from the mother-in-law. We hadn’t seen him around much lately. This year he was hanging out with my father in law who fed him birdseed and befriended him. Oh well, it’s sad. I feel bad that he never seemed to find a mate or anything. He just hang around here for a few years. I know I hated the bird at one time, but we had made our peace. A few times this year he’d meet me in the mornings and chase my car up the driveway. I wonder how long they’re natural lifespan is. I can’t help but partially blame my in-laws for feeding him and befriending him, but I know there is no point in blame at this point. It is what it is. And so it goes.

The approaching winter is having a profound affect on my energy level. I used my grow light this morning for 15 minutes at 70% intensity. Maybe it worked a little. I was feeling a little manic this morning and was a little ornery with a coworker. I was just giving him a hard time, but then I felt bad. Anyway, now I’m exhausted and ready for bed, which is about par for the course lately. Yesterday I went to the gym and did some jogging and felt way better. Exercise definitely helps. The problem is that I’m so damn tired and listless that it’s a miracle that I get to the gym at all. I guess I just have to remember the good feeling it gives me and let that motivate me.

Dietarily I’ve also noticed some changes. I’m mainly living on bread, cheese, and wine, which could explain my bathroom habits lately, or lack thereof. I suppose this is typical of the season though.What else could our ancestors do but eat things they stored…starchy things. fermented things.

Ok, so I’ve been a little infuriated lately with all this “spread the wealth” socialist crap. For one thing, I personally don’t think socialism is a 4 letter word. Second of all, when you make 45K a year, I’m all for spreading the wealth. Spread it my way, brother! I can’t help but lose all respect for my peers who are republicans. It’s just so infuriating. I’m paying nearly a third of my income on taxes under the bush adminsitration for wars and cronies and making sure the fat cats are taken care. If this damn idiots would realize that the republicans aren’t out to protect them…. ARGH. I got in a fight with my piano teacher tonight over this. And things are getting heated at work. I used to have good natured arguments with a young (cute) guy I work with and he stills sends me these inflammatory emails, but I can’t even be good natured about it anymore. I really hope to God that Obama wins. Now, I’m not like some people and I don’t think Obama is the savior. I don’t even know if so-called “socialist” ideas are the right answer. But I do know this… whoever we elect, the government is going to spend a shitload of money on something and taxes (for me anyway) are most likely going to stay the same. Do I want to potentially help people less fortunate than me, or do I want rich people to get richer and more poor orphans in Iraq to suffer? (sorry I just had to put a shamelss emotional plee in there.. it seemed like the politically correct thing to do.)

Rant over. I need to write my novel so I quit working. That’s my goal for this weekend. I have tomorrow off! Good move, me! 3 day weekends rock.

day off. Of course, I just checked my work email and that basically erased all the good that came of today!! sigh… no… I won’t let it upset me. I have decided that I don’t get paid nearly enough to get stressed out at work, so I won’t worry about it (or respond to any emails) until 8 am tomorrow morning.

The whole point of me taking a long weekend (plus Friday off this weekend..so another long weekend!) was to get some gardening done. As of 10 am this morning, I had done absolutely zero gardening. BUT… I’ve more than made up for it today (with J’s help). We got 2 and a half yards of bulk mulch from the local nursery…had to borrow J’s dad’s truck. Usually, we get the bags of mulch, but they were all out so that’s why we got bulk. It was way easier though. No ripping apart bags and lugging them everywhere and then having to throw them out. I got pretty much everything I wanted to mulched..let’s see… 6 beds in all, plus the raspberries and blueberries that I planted last week. Boy am I tired now though.

I’m celebrating my successes by drinking a drink I just invented. I think I’ll call it a Berry Fashionable Cocktail. Sort of a cross between a cosmo and an old fashioned. : ) Actually quite good!

My hands are caked in dirt… oh sorry, I drifted off into a mental scenario about work. tee hee. ARGH. Mental control here is key. I will not let work upset me. I will not let work upset me. I will enjoy the rest of my night, reading, and drinking, and writing, and playing the piano. hmm… what should I have for dinner?

is not a sight I see very often. My cats, for some odd reason, seem to keep their lunch intact most of the time. Or else they are puking somewhere out of sight (fine by me). But I’ve been hearing one of them hacking lately and then the other one barfed up a bunch of green slime tonight that looked eerily like a plant. I don’t feed them plants, so I started trying to figure out what plant they were eating and then I remembered! I dug up all my calla lillies last weekend and left them laying down in the basement to dry. Luckily the cat puked it up or I would’ve probably forgotten about them till Spring. So, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do tonight, I went down and trimmed all the leaves off and got them packed in peat moss. They looked a little weird, which makes me think I probably did something wrong, but oh well. Poor kitties.

I’m off to Virginia tomorrow for a bachelorette weekend. I’ve been sick and now I’m on anti-biotics, which always make me nauseous, and I’m burnt out and behind at work, so this is the part where I would normally say “I’d rather just stay home and rest.” But I called in sick yesterday and slept all day, so I’m actually looking forward to the trip. Mostly I’m looking forward to the football game I’m going to! My team is doing awesome and I can’t wait to see them live.

Work is getting tense. Everyone is stressed out and people are starting to fight. I see divisions forming, and I am perhaps on the losing side. The fact is, though, that I’m a loyal friend if nothign else, and if that means everyone else not liking me, so be it. Though I’d rather it not come to that. I think I will try to mend some fences next week, but for now, I won’t think about work. Actually I will probably end up doing work tomorrow morning and going into the office on the Monday holiday. I make myself sound like a martyr, but I rarely work more than 45 hours a week, if that. But all in all, it’s not that bad. I like being busy and I’m starting to feel like I have a good handle on stuff. The good thing about my boss leaving is that now I have more ownership of stuff, and as a control freak, I like that.

I’m a Doctor Zhivago mood lately, what with the weather getting cold and me getting gloomy. : ) Actually I’m not really gloomy, but there’s always somethign a little dark that comes over me once the days get darker. I’m not opposed to a little melancholy. After all, it gives me a chance to delve into some darker piano pieces. Last night, I was goign through some old piano books and I have a snippet from Lara’s theme (Somehwere My Love) that I like to play when I’m in a mood. I looked online for a longer version and then ended up not buying one. But at my lesson tonight, my teacher asked what I wanted to do for my next recital, so I told her I wanted to do Somewhere My Love. We found a really nice version online and then downloaded then and there. They could even choose the key. We got it in G and I played it and I love it! At the end, it switches to E (I think…4 flats) and I love it even more. I’m looking forward to playing that so many times that it drives J crazy.

Well, the election is starting to get ugly, no? I was thinking about when Clinton was first elected. I had just turned 18, so it was my first election. I hadn’t been a huge Clinton fan and had wanted Jerry Brown to win the primaries. But after my whole adolescence and childhood seeing Republicans in office, I was freaking ecstatic. I lived in northern virginia, so we went into DC for the inaugural parade… I bought a button… hmm… yes, I would like to relive that feeling. Go Obama! Ok, that’s officially the first time I’ve said that. I’ve been holding a grudge because of Hillary but I officially let it go now. I hope to god(des) McCain doesn’t win.

I’m on a 10 day course of antibiotics and have to take them every 6 hours. I hate to do this to my body. But I also hope that this will finally make me feel better. I’m sick of this crap!!

At work today, we’re making a funny video for a coworker who is leaving. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen myself on video, but it was a strange experience. I look and sound totally different than I thought I did. I also flip my hair a lot and make a lot of funny faces. But I was also kind of cute. : ) In the book I was reading “Eat, Pray, Love” the author has an eccentric friend who says about herself something like “I may not be the type to look good in everything, but sometimes I just can’t help but love myself.” That made me laugh. I feel like I’m so hard on myself most of the time, but every now and then I see myself like a little sister and just say to myself “Oh honey, it’s ok. You’re alright!” I know.. koo koo.

Well,that’s it. Time to pack. Camera, football gear, book, underwear, makeup, drink for the plane I will not check bags, I will not pay for a drink or snack, the airlines can kiss my damn ass. I hate em! But it’s better than driving for 12 hours.

here, Clem. I feel like lately all I do is work. And J works twice as much as we do. He works at least 65-70 hours per week. We don’t make huge salaries that justify this, and it’s starting to seem less like an anomaly and more like the norm. I don’t mind working hard, and I don’t mind being busy when I am at work. But what is starting to bother me is the expectation that this is just the way it is. And now I have a cold, and am still having other health problems, and I really feel like all of this is brought on by work stress.

Isn’t there a better way? In France, aren’t they working 35 hour work weeks, eating good food and drinking nice wine, having great social lives and just being oodles happier? Don’t get me wrong… I love America. I think we have access to a great way of life. But corporate america owns us. And we accept that as the status quo. I’m just getting tired of it.

So my doctor called today and thinks she finally figured out what is wrong with me. Meanwhile, I’ve been treating myself with natural remedies for the wrong thing. Now she wants to give me more antibiotics to kill more things in my body, so more things can grow out of balance. I tend to believe that antibiotics were how I got into this mess in the first place. It’s beyond frustrating and I’m close to being at the end of my rope. I also hate being sick and this little cold could very well kick my ass. However, if I were to look for the silver lining, at least I have a good reason to take Nyquil tonight. I love Nyquil. It’s the only time I actually sleep, but I am very careful to only take it when I get sick. Though I do usually give myself one grace night after I’m pretty much better. : )

I made some applesauce last night with the apples we picked a few weeks ago. It was really good. It takes like apple pie without the crust. I made a triple recipe, which made 3 jars. I didn’t bother pressure canning them, because I knew I would eat them soon enough. This week I plan on donig more and actually getting them canned properly. I may add a little less sugar to the next batch though.

What else? I want to say something positive before I sign off… Well, our ballroom dancing lessons are going well. We absolutely suck at the merengue, but it’s super fun. We giggle the whole time and I’m sure get on everyone else’s nerves. But my feeling is that it’s better to get on people’s nerves for being too happy rather than too angry.

It’s starting to get cold so I have the propane fireplace on, which doesn’t do me much good when I’m not in the living room. So, I’m going to read “French Women Don’t Get Fat” (since obviously American women do, especially as winter starts setting in) and trying to figure out how to write something for work that doesn’t totally SUCK. Then, I’m going to take my Nyquil and go to bed earlier than is seemly.