Thanks for the fish

but my house in summer makes it all ok.

Let’s start with hormonal. Despite my declaration that I wouldnt’ care about anything anymore or be upset by anything (or perhaps in spite of it), I’m weepier than ever. It’s ridiculous! I don’t even have pms. I want nothing more than to be a calm, cool, and collected chick. To just accept the ways of the universe and move on with life. But now that I’ve made that my goal, everything makes me cry! I wept the other night for a really stupid reason (embarassing!). Then I saw a duck crossing the highway with her chicks and nearly sobbed again. There’s roadkill everywhere. My cat might be sick (making a strange “meow”?) and I just can’t seem to handle it. Despite being for the most part happy and manic, I have these periodic moments of extreme sadness and dread. Nightmares too. And a bit of hypochondria. Probably just my usual craziness. : )

And now for stressed out. It’s stupid to be stressed out when I really don’t have much to do at work. But the things I do have to do are overwhelming me. My boss is essentially…mmm….what’s another word for useless? He basically whines that his staff members are not entertaining him enough. “I’m bored!” whaa!. You’re a manager dude. Manage something and shut the eff up. Trying to be compassionate and failing miserably.

And now for happiness. Picked up my first batch of CSA vegetables. Can you say FUN? Love it! We drove down the road to the farm - less than 1/2 mile - talked to friendly farmer Ben, measured out tons of produce that is already paid for, so felt like it was free (that was really fun). We got radishes, arugula, meslcun mix, lettuce, spinach, green onions, 2 mint leaves, 2 seed potatoes…. guess that’s it. : ) Happy girl! Love food!

I’m trying to get drunk off the remainder of 3 bottles of wine, but need to stay sober enough to some planting and watering. I bought some herbs - an oregano, some basil, and a rosemary. I also ordered 2 more raised bed kits. My original plan was to do a pretty herb garden, but then I got overwhelmed and cancelled that plan. My new plan is to do utilitarian herbs in a raised bed. Good enough for this year. That way I can grow tons of basil and freeze pints upon pints of pesto for the winter.

Book is going good. Still “worried” about a layoff so trying to get this thing written so I can start the long process of getting rejected by publishers. Fun!!

Well, gardening calls.

struck! Call it summer mania but I’m on an intellectual roll lately. My revamped book is flowing like lava and I’ve got ideas up the yazoo. Each night I sit at my laptop and look out over the pond, wine glass in hand, and write 600 or more effortless words in what will become The Next Great American Novel, or at least A Published Decently Written Novel that Promises to Be Mildly Entertaining. Good fun.

In addition, I’ve started a new blog. No, no, no, dont’ feel obligated to read it. It’s too much! No really! Well, since you are pathetically begging, I’ll think about it. I actually owe it to my sister for encouraging me. This was the idea for my next book, but we decided (collectively) that I should start it as a blog. That way I can get a following and make it easier to sell the compiled posts as a book. We’re geniuses, pretty much.

Being at work all day puts a bit of a damper on all my plans but I’m taking it as best I can and at least using it as a proving ground for new hair styles. Today I tried curly. Maybe a cold rainy day wasn’t the best choice for that. Slightly afrocious was the result, but it was worth a try. When I become a rich and famous author/blogger, I will need to have a good hair style, so now’s the time to experiment.

I’m cancelling all my extracurricular activities for the summer. No more yoga. Taking a break from piano. I need to concentrate on pursuits that will make me both happy and financially independent. Life is kind of fun when you decide to take the bull by the horns. As far as I’m concerned, the universe is here to serve me. And I mean that in the least ego-centric way possible.

Oh! I signed up for these notes from the Universe. It’s called tuts adventure club or something like that. The universe sends me these awesome emails Monday-Friday. Today’s said something like “As much as you want to be angry at someone, you can’t help but think how much you love them.” That was actually quite appropriate because despite my superpositivity lately, I’ve been a little miffed at a certain sister who bought me (no, I should say “got me” since I think it was a regfit) cellulite cream for my upcoming birthday. I’m not exactly pissed about it… but it does sort of make me think she’s a bitch. Overreacting?

But the universe is right. Of course I love her. Dearly.

And speaking of ego, I’ve really tried lately to let it go. It’s for the best. Last night, my coworker/friend and my boss/friend? were walking out together and they saw J’s car and him waiting for me, and I was walking toward them but they didn’t see me. I see my boss say something to my friend and then she saw me and did this very obvious “Oh here’s L!”…translation: shut up moron, she’s right there so stop talking about her. It took a minute for me to catch on, so that was good since I’m very bad at hiding my feelings. I don’t know what they were talking about, but just the thought that they were gossipping about me kind of brought me down. I suppose they could  be planning a giant surprise birthday party for me…. buuuuttt I think they were probably talking about J’s car. I hate to think they are that petty, and yet I sort of know that they are. But why get upset, right? This is sort of my mantra lately. Everyone else is so busy getting upset over all the trivial things that I do. And that everyone else does. It seems to me that the world needs someone who doesn’t. Enter me.

And with that, I’m off to pick fresh spinach out of the garden. J shoveled shit on the garden when I was out of town and even got the rust out of my trailer hitch. What a guy what a guy. And I’m gonna get upset over cellulite cream??? HA! (I’m really not upset.)

in Maine and spring in Maine:

Winter - have shitty day at work, come home, get drunk, go to bed.

Spring - have shitty day at work, have glass of wine, do million things that need to be done that you actually enjoy, go for walk, go to bed forgetting why day at work was so shitty.

It’s 6:39 pm. I’ve had a giant delicious salad, a few glasses of wine, and a filet of haddock for dinner. The sun will not go down for 1 more hour so I have 20 minutes to get the window screens out of the shed and bring them inside, water my raised bed, window boxes, and seedlings in the basement, get my tennies on and go for a half hour walk. Then, put the screens in, write the “working outline” for Act 1 of my novel, and do some writing. I should practice piano for my June recital but I already accept the fact that that will not happen.

Things are popping in the garden. I have daffodils everywhere. Weeds are coming up…lots of things are coming up! I’ve nixed my patio and the herb garden for this year (my two big projects). I want to finish edging all my beds with inlaid bricks. I want to rip out my whipped on rhodos and my dying holly. I want my front beds to start looking good. So  yet again, I abandon the patio and decide to go for the “maintenance” route one more year. I know eventually my garden will look fabulous and take care of itself. It’s just not quite there yet.. But damn it makes me happy anyway.

Work fucking blows and that’s all I’ll say about that.

17 minutes left to finish my glass of wine and do items listed above. Chug, chug, chug!

Left work at 4:15 because my boss wasn’t there and I got there at 7:30. My friend D isn’t at work so I was left with two rather annoying, unintelligent coworkers. I know I should be compassionate, but hell, sometimes stupid people piss me off. Or just get on my nerves.

It’s times like this that I realize that most people are good hearted people becuase they don’t want to hear me talk about how the rest of the world are idiots. I’ll assume my dear readers are just as good hearted so I won’t go into my normal diatribe about how two of my coworkers are the dumbest people I have ever wroked with. Lucky you!

So I got home and tackled day 1 of editing my novel! It was fun. Way funner than I thought. I like it! The possibilities are just limitless. I’ve got my characters and a general plot, but now I can think about making them richer and deeper. It’s a little sad, but I’m actually starting to like the fictional world I’ve created way more than the actual life I’m living. And I’m starting to like my heroine more than me. Do you think this is a problem? I say no, because all I’m doing is writing down the fictional better world that has been in my head all along. Which is perhaps one reason why I’ve never been particularly pleased with the real world. But shit, if it’s my “bliss” who can judge me. So maybe I was just meant to be a fiction writer. If I accept that the real world will never live up, then where’s the harm?

I made some lentil soup for lunch tomorrow. For dinner I had 2 martinis, a bag of popcorn, and a carton of yogurt with walnuts. I have my weigh in tomorrow and dont’ have particularly high hopes. Oh well.. and I have been smoking, and even drinking diet coke. So what habit am I working on now, you ask? Um…um… there must be one I’m tackling. I haven’t smoked pot in 10 years. Does that count? A habit conquered is a habit conquered.

I talked to my sister today and realized that I don’t talk to her much anymore. She was mad because me and my parents were speculating about how much money she and her husband made and my dad was stupid enough to tell her that. He also got the figures slightly wrong. I guess being over 70 will do that to you. They make more money than god so I don’t know why she has such a complex. But apparently she still wants to be known as “the poor one” despite the fact that they paid nearly a million dollars for their house (ok, more like $650K or so). hmm…. whatever.

My other sister worries me. She seems rather unstable. So strange for my family…

And me, I’m unhappy and discontent as usual and am waiting for life to do something drastic to me because I don’t have the guts to do it myself.

the first draft of my novel!!!! Holy Fucking Shit!!!! That was fun… ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha…. and now I figured out what to do next…manana. Tonight, I’m going to have a celebratory hot bath and go dream about how awesome I am.

I’m feeling a little stressed out, mostly about writing. I set this goal that I would write for an hour a day for the whole month of March. Now I have 9 days left and I’m afraid I’m going to finish my book before then! Logic would say, “no big deal, just start editing for an hour a day.” But my 2,000 daily word count is something I know I can’t cheat on. It’s black and white, so I know I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing. How will editing work? What if I sit there for an hour and don’t get anything done? Does that count? Will I still get my reward (new laptop)? Even though I could’ve ended the book last night, I started a whole new subplot just so I could keep going. At this point, I’m going to end up with War and Peace.

I guess I really underestimated how much I could write in a month! I guess my plan of action is to wrap up this last subplot and end it. It needs to come to an end. I know there will be massive rewriting, reworking to be done and it will probably end up nothing close to where it is now. And that’s ok. It’s part of the process. I keep telling myself to trust the process. I’m just scared that once I move into phase 2, I’m going to lose my momentum and I really, really, really don’t want that to happen.

But I’m also excited. I will reach my goal and go out and reward myself with a laptop. Then, I’m going to set up shop in my writing room where I can shut the door and the blasted noise of the vacuum cleaner (why do I feel like I have to say ‘of course I’m not complaining’ every time I complain about the vacuum?) Of course, that also scares me because I will be changing the location of my writing. I know it shouldn’t be as superstitious as all this, and I’m trying to stop myself from thinking that way. I always freak out when I want something this badly because it just doesn’t happen very often. I want a lot of things, but I only want a very few things so much that I’m consciously afraid I’ll lose them.

I also want more time to devote to writing. Well, not to the writing itself but for reading about writing. I need to refresh my memory about plot points and themes and character development. Now that I have something to work with, all the books I have will be a lot more useful to me. I was reading this stuff before, but with nothing to apply the concepts too, it was kind of pointless. But now I just don’t have time. Things have already fallen out of my routine because of my hour a day. I don’t practice piano much, I do almost no cleaning around the house, I haven’t done laundry all month (of course I’m not complaining, she says guiltily), I forgot to scoop the litter box this week, I’ve done hardly any reading, and have also not called my mom or sister back yet.

On the other hand, I’ve had time to go out to eat several times, drink copious amounts of red wine, and get plenty of sleep, so maybe this is just an interesting lesson on my priorities.

I’m remotivated on the weight front simply because I want to go on a shopping spree but have told myself I can’t until I get down to 145. I’m 6-9 pounds away from that now (depending on the scale, time of day, and what I ate the night before). The plan is to be at goal weight by April 8, which is the end of session 1 of weight watchers and two days before I go to New Orleans. It would be awesome to buy a new outfit for my trip, be able to enjoy the culinary delights of the Big Easy and then get back on track in time for session 2. My new plan of attack is the eat the same thing (basically) every day. Oatmeal and half a banana for breakfast. A veggie sandwich for lunch. A yogurt for a snack. Sandwich, soup or some other light thing (6 points) for dinner. And a martini. I’ll let you know how ti works and then I’ll call it “L’s sandwich and martini diet.”

shitty days.

Days where you roll back every healthy habit you’ve adopted. You’ll have 5 cigarettes, you’ll have a diet coke, you’ll eat pumpkin raisin bread continuously through the whole day, you’ll skip yoga, you’ll get annoyed at coworkers and even be a little mean to them, you won’t even have the decency to feel guilty about that. You’ll hate yourself and call yourself a fat useless twat and then you’ll curse the stupid undercover police pulling people over on the highway, even though they didn’t pull you specfiically over.

And then you’ll admit that that is EXACTLY the kind of day you just had. And THEN you’ll stop talking about yoruself in the second person because it’s kind of annoying and will sit your martini, eat your beans, do your one hour of writing that night even if it’s the only damn productive thing you did all day!

I’m all funked out lately. I don’t know if I wrote about this last night or not, but writing is sort of having this profound effect on my psyche that is not always positive. I imagine this is what people in psychoanalysis feel like. I dredge up all this stuff and my psyche doesn’t know what to do with it. So I have nightmares. J interprets my nightmares to mean that “I’m afraid of the world.” Um, no. I don’t think that’s it, but thanks for the vote of confidence dear. I had a nightmare that someone was breaking into an apartment where a girl and guy were (maybe I was the girl, but it didn’t look like me). She was sleeping on the couch, and the intruders were going to take away somethign much more valuable than money or even life… what it was I’m not sure… maybe sight? consciousness? perception? I can’t think of the word I’m lookign for…you know, what the brain does…con… shit. comprehension?

J saw some robins on the way home. That’s the first sign of spring. I’ve already welcomed spring. As far as I”m concerned, it’s here. I don’t care how cold it is or what birds are chirping. I’m over and done with winter. IT’s a thing of the past and I don’t intend to think about it anymore.

I also had a dream I was taking the metro (subway) but I decided to go to the one at the mall becuase it was less intimidating. I think maybe it was supposed to be Pentagon City mall in VA. That has a metro stop. It wasn’t exactly right though. I’ve had a similar dream before, with trains, etc. and me traveling alone.

 

Well, first of all, I’ve had a rather lovely day, as happens from time to time. I slept in, after having many vivid dreams, as is usual lately. Then I went for an hour long walk, which was probably 4 miles or so. Me and J went together. Lately we do a lot of things together but the last few days he’s been leaving me out of things, and I’ve reacted kind of badly. I mean, honestly, I don’t care if I do everythign alone, but I guess it’s just hurt my feelings. But we went for a walk together and damn, we’re in shape!

Then we visited the in-laws who just got back from a Caribbean cruise. They’re totally into spending their children’s inheritances. They travel a LOT now and I’m happy for them. They should. They deserve it. I asked a lot of questions about cruises because I’m thinking about taking one myself. I’ve never been on a cruise and have listed the pros and cons several times:

Pros
1. You don’t have to pack/unpack a million times, yet you get to go to different places
2. You don’t have that annoying transfer time/hassle from one location to antoher
3. There’s lots of free, cheesy things to do, which I actually kind of dig… the chance to try rock climbing, etc. in a non intimidating environment
4. Free food - takes a lot of the guesswork out of budgeting food

Cons
1. When we were in St. Thomas we came across many many cruise ship patrons and the thought of being stuck on a ship with thousands and thousands of them is rather frightening
2. Bed bugs and norovirus, which are two things I dont’ waste my time worrying about, but I guess I should add them to the list anyway, no?
3. Seasickness?
4. You’re stuck to a set itinerary.

And so you see, they come out even, which always seems to happen with these damn pros and cons. What’s the freaking point anyway? Sigh.. But hey, it’s worth trying once or twice. We’ve decided on twice:

1. We clearly need a short break in late January/mid February to stop ourselves from slitting our wrists in winter despair. So… maybe a short 3 or 4 day caribbean cruise. Probabaly not enough time to go anywhere cool, but enough time to get some Vitamin D and do some rock climbing and maybe go to a new country or so.

2. Mediterranean cruise. The signs have pointed to Greece and possibly Turkey for our next vacation. You know me, I watch for the signs that the universe is trying to show me. Greece it is. We may do some goddess searching, and god searching too. Ruin searching, island searching, beauty searching…whatever. I’d love to go to Istanbul and see the Hagia Sofia for myself. For an atheist I sure have a weird thing about churches. It’s engrained in me. The god/dess gene. It is what it is. I accept it.

And speaking of cruising, I continue to cruise through on my novel. 36, 189 words. I’ll wait for your applause. …….. Thank you. I’m rocking my own world on a daily basis. I’m reading Julia Cameron’s “The Right to Write,” which is just confirming that I am doing absolutely everything right. I’ve also been crankin’ on the piano.. playing some ragtime despite my white girl lack of rhythm. Having fun, loving life, enjoying the sun and the 50 degree temps. Shit… I have absolutely nothing to complain about. But tomorrow is Monday, so I may think of something then, but for now, I am absolutely content with my life.

There isn’t time for everything. Something must be sacrificed. For me, that’s piano. I don’t practice nearly as much as I did, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s ok. I wasn’t going to become a piano virtuoso anyway.

I’ve given up bad habits for a month at a time before (remember last June and my no drinking quest?), but I’ve never vowed to do something that I love, but put off, for a month. It’s a different experience, though still a little bit hard. But hard in a different psychological way. The rewards are bigger.

I’ve said this before, but I am absolutely amazed at one I can do in an hour a day. Actually I’ve revised my goal to 2000 words per day, which is about what I was doing in an hour. The word goal makes it a little more flexible. If I have to get up to make dinner or do something else, I just come right back and finish up. Sometimes it takes me 2 hours; sometimes it takes me 50 minutes.

I also think the daily practice is helpful in so many ways. It helps to keep the momentum going. I don’t forget where I am in my story, and I can feel the process more fully. But most of all, I’m developing a habit, and that was my goal.

Rewards help. I told myself I’d buy myself a new laptop if I get through the end of March writing an hour a day. I’m allowed to take it out of savings and that’s a big deal.

I’m really starting to appreciate the process of working on a big project. I read a very good blog entry on copyblogger about “gaining confidence” in your writing. It was about accepting the fact that writing is a process. You’re probably not going to write a brilliant first draft, and that’s ok. You just have to have confidence that you can get to the end stage. But to get to the end stage, you have to make it through the first stage, which is the first draft. I think I’ve done a stellar job at writing 25,000 words of crap so far. And that is ok! I need to get to the end of my story to see where it’s going. Then in the second draft, I may change the whole thing. The point is that this part is a necessary stage along the way. You can run till you can crawl.

I also appreciate what it’s taken me to even get this far. In weight watchers we talk a lot about process too. Some people go to meetings for years before they actually do what they need to do to lose weight. Others lose weight and gain it back and have to start all over. Accomplishing anything takes work, but if you keep thinking about, keep working on it, even if the steps are small, you’ll eventually get it done. I read posts from years ago where I was working on some book I never finished. I don’t see that as a failure. I see that as another small step on my journey. When has anything ever been quick and easy in life? Never!

Why? Well, there are many reasons (I used “many” because J thinks “a lot” isn’t acceptable. I disagree, but I’m also very persuadable, so I’ll give “many” a try, just this once.)

First - I lost weight at WW, even though I have been very remiss in counting my points, have drunk oodles of wine, and have lapsed on my exercise program (I’m down to about 3 days a week, which is probably more realistic). I now only have 6.6 pounds left to get to my goal and 5 weeks left of this session of ww. that’s only 1.3 pounds a week. And given the fact that I’m losing without even trying, now that I’m back on track and putting in the effort, that shoudl be a piece of… er… a..you know, easy. I’ve lost 6.8 pounds total, but I dont’ really feel any thinner. I’ll feel better when I officially get under 150. 1.7 pounds to go.

Second  - I’m on day 7 of writing for an hour a day (I started 2 days early). It does take sacrifice. In fact, it pretty much eliminates anything else from happening during the evening. I mean, there’s only so much time after work. After I grab dinner, it’s 7:30. I write till 8:30, and shit, I go to bed around 9 (though lately it’s turned into more like 10). J seems a little miffed. Sometimes he talks to me and I have to remind him that I have to write uninterrupted. Then he wants to watch a movie. Overall, he’s been supportive though. I give him kudos.

Third - What was third? hmm….. I can’t remember, though I’m pretty sure there was a third thing. Oh! I bought some cool new piano books tonight. Some Jazz and one called “Simple Gifts” which is one I know and love. It’s an appalachian melody. : ) Well, on that note, I’m pretty tired and want to try out some tunes before I go to bed, so I guess that is all for now.